Courtesy of David Graham at the Atlantic, here is video of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg just barely making his way through a speech on the occasion of the annual 4th of July Coney Island hot dog eating contest. The lame puns, strung together like so many old-timey frankfurters in a Marmaduke cartoon, leave him barely able to choke out the words, and he ends by asking what many politicians have longed to say, but lacked the courage to actually come right out and utter:
“Who wrote this shit?”
We have to agree with Graham on this:
One thing that’s hard to dislike about Bloomberg is that he’s often so plainspoken. It’s not unusual that a politician would deliver such an aside; it is unusual that he would make sure everyone could hear him (hot mic mishaps are, of course, a different ballgame). That’s also one trait that explains why hizzoner will never be president.
But as Joe Biden has demonstrated, this is no particular impediment to being Veep.
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What a wiener…
Let me get this straight: So this guy wants to make it illegal to buy a big cup of Pepsi, but he's out promoting an event where people eat ridiculous amounts of hot dogs.
When you think about it, it's not really comforting to believe that you're not crazy, everybody else is crazy. I don't know which is true, and I don't know which is worse.
I like it when politicians swear openly.
Yeah. I can think of a couple of times where Barry should have said that.
This makes that fascist freedom-hating fuck a little less despicable in my mind.
Just a smidge.
It somehow humanizes them.
I hate it when rich bitch businesspeople get sworn into office.
This is a big fucking deal.
Sent a tingle up my leg.
that will never stop being an A+ response to any and all awesome things.
HOT DIGGITY DOG!
I'm holding you personally responsible for returning that 1:04 you took from my life.
Get in line.
As the father of a toddler, I know this song by heart. I also have my own Hot Dog dance. It's sort of like horse-dancing, really.
My daughter is 5 now, and hasn't watched it since we dumped DirecTV a year ago, but this inanity has been seared into my brain.
AND NOW IT'S SEARED INTO ALL OF YOUR BRAINS TOO! BWAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA!! Pdog trained me well. I managed to escape THIS time!
They Might Be Giants should be punished for making that song.
Now, the Higgleytown Heroes theme song, on the other hand …
I learned this when we were living in Chile. Instead of They Might be Giants, there's a group of what sound like juevones muy borrachos slurring 'que bien' instead of 'hot dog'.
Color me green for your having lived in Chile. One of my dreams is to see Los Tres live. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6aSjrT1tAs
Not even TMBG can overcome the horror of a GCI Mickey Mouse. I hope that paid some bills for John & John
HOMER:And I won’t rest until I’ve gotten a hot dog.
MARGE: Homer, this is a cemetery.
HOT DOG GUY: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
HOMER: Woo hoo!
MARGE: What do you do, follow my husband around?
HOT DOG GUY: Lady, he’s putting my kids through college.
You all realize of course that HOT DIGGITY DOG! has 143,589,985 more hits FAT PIGGITY HOG, right?
HOT DOG!
Buy that man a jumbo soda!
WHAT NEXT MAN AND ANIMAL MARRIAGE?
Is there no end to the sausage making in politics?
Amazingly enough, this is not the most idiotic thing uttered by Bloomberg this year.
Holy shit! These are puns of extraordinary complexity.
I can’t wait for him to lay some Limericks on us next.
There once was a lady from the bog
Who liked to roger with a hot dog
She said to her hon
as she lathered her buns
(edited to correct gender)
Oh dear, this is the worst
there's room in here for a pack of bratwurst
(yeah, meter, so sue me.)
Now where's that Baconz
With his hog?
Baconz rides a Harley?
I give up.
A crafty young lad from Red Run
put his Weenus inside of a Bun
When his Boardwalk Lass found
and devoured it down
She exclaimed "I wish I could stop at just one!"
Doesn't Bloomberg own Limerick?
Yes and the IRA are not amused
A wee bit o' trivia — In 1904, some Limerick priest started a boycott of Jewish businesses in that town, because of which a number of Jewish families moved to Dublin, Cork and the USA. Cork had no problem with Jews, and some Jewish families moved there, including that of Gerald Goldberg, who became Cork's first Jewish Lord Mayor.
What that has to do with the IRA is beyond me, but I suspect Shane MacGowan would win the Coney Island Hot Dog Contest in a New York minute if Guinness and Jameson chasers were allowed.
I suspect Shane MacGowan would win the Coney Island Hot Dog Contest in a New York minute if Guinness and Jameson chasers were allowed.
Then he'd drop a button in the plate and spew up in the church.
"That’s also one trait that explains why hizzoner will never be president."
That, and the fact that he's an obnoxious entitled plutocrat who shows contempt for all of us who didn't manage to inherit millions.
I see what you did there.
Still better than the rest of that ilk.
Fuck you Bloomy. If you paid me more than two cents a word, I'd give your better shit to read. As it is, I was hungover, my dog barfed on my best loafers and my wifey is holding out.
You should be glad I didn't rip out a page of "Golden Apples" and shove it in front of your mug.
I'd substitute this Lament instead. For Symbolic continuity. And hilarity.
I had NEVER heard that.
Really!? You need to check out the rest of the album then.
Meh, it's no "The Transformed Man."
Hey Mike. Writing is 99% perspiration and one percent crony, trustfund turd wordsmith hack you hired to please a mega-donor.
Ah, good point. The Joe Bob Briggs character in Casino wrote that shit.
Jesus fucking Christ. He's at a god damn fucking wiener eating contest and shit. All those little god damn bastard kids and thier bitch mothers are fucking there. It fucking pisses me off when cock suckers like this fuck swear in front of cunts like that. I should write a letter to this ass wipe.
Won't.Anyone.Think.Of.The.Children???
I didn't realize you were from Jersey…
Thanks to Bloomie's friends, in a few years Coney Island will be completely plowed under for luxury apartment complexes.
Yes, Bloomberg is all outspoken.
So long as white people aren't offended.
This post is hard to masticate to.
Dunk it in some water first. Goes down easier that way.
Chew WIN!
DING!
dong?
dell!
We have a wiener!
(Get it? A wiener! Ha-ha, I am channeling Bloomberg's speechwriter now! I studied humour at the Sor-BUN!!!)
Love me some wiener jokes. Those South of the Border billboards on I-95 were too much of a formative influence growing up… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_of_the_Border_…
Oh Noo! It's a Hot Dog speech malfunction Red Alert! QUICK, SEND IN THE WEENIEMOBILE
The American version of Dr. Who's Tardis.
With more Phallic Symbolism.
see also
(I usually hate YouTube comments, but the top comment on this one — "I'd like a wiener rammed into my backdoor" — is truly a thing of beauty.
That's…just…outstanding. Thank you! I am in awe.
I never read the comments, either. I should start!
EDIT: So…is this where the term "Meat Garage" came from?
No. Do not read YouTube comments. You will lose your will to live.
*punches Disconnect button*
Whew! Thanks, Doc! That was a close one.
Indeed. "Who wrote this shit". Indeed.
The wurst writing ever.
Hold the relish?
They'll never cut the– oh, goddamn…
Kinda hot dogging it with those puns?
Well played weejee. Your pun brat tears of joy to my eyes.
True. I never sausage bad writing in my life.
Speaking of puns, how's Vlad the Impala?
Indeed. If it has risen like a phoenix did it become a Chevy Two?
Needz moar fart jokes.
Needz sideboob too.
Eating "contests" are an abomination.
Eating contests are abdominal.
It is disgusting.
Seven starving families could eat for a week from the food that is wasted at this one event.
Truly shameful.
Yeah, but hot dogs for a week? Why not just have state-funded nitrate injections?
True, indeed, Cthu.
The money spent could be used for non-toxic food.
Barfing contests are worse.
That's it! Obama must apologize!
Two with sauerkraut and mustard and a Pepsi – no Coke.
Hey, but keep that drink to 16 oz, mister!
Billionaires don't eat Nathan's weiners when they can get away with the real thing… http://midclass.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/real-…
D'awwwwwwwwwwww
Arg, that makes me like the guy!
The puns spewing from Bloomberg REALLY took a comical spin when he started threatening the lives of his speech writers with a cold, blank stare. Those in the audience recalled the carnage akin to a Nathan's factory, where swine is shredded and mashed into meaty cylinders fit for the eternal rapture of hope's loss. The horrors of this day would long live infamous to the shocked morality of the on-lookers, who merely hung their heads in disbelief as New York's mayor violated their very innocence, shunning the moral fabric of the social contract in order to mass produce his freshly patented form of terror. Mercy was a forgotten standard of this day. Mercy had been replaced with cunning vengeance— with Bloomberg presiding merrily over the doom and sorrow of his forgotten subjects, gnashing on their suffering and parading his triumph with disturbed jubilee throughout the homeland.
As long as he didn't let anyone buy an ice-cold, carbonated bucket of corn-death,
Now has come the winter of their discontent.
But the king of Queens, sensing this, arose and spake: You do this thing for a sausage? It’s just a fucking sausage.
That ain't kosher.
Not halal neither.
They answer to a higher authority.
Or do they?
From Bloomberg's lips and assholes to God's ear.
Bloomie is 22 billion times richer than God.
Posted at 4:20 PM?
Someone's got a case of the munchies…
Probably the same people who made that shit.
That's not a big fucking deal.
Hope they are cooked real well because I read today that wimminz don't dig jackrabbity wieners.
It's missing a little something – "Who wrote this shit, bro?" – there, now that's better.
Hot dog puns. His mother must be so proud.
You know, Mike, that was my reaction to most of your speeches about the Occupy folks. Only in that case, you were discussing something much more important than a weiner-eating contest.
no post about Ted "It's Better if the South won the Civil War" Nugent ?
No kidding- that there's Wonkette comedy gold, amirite?
The sad news was that Bloomberg, Hebrew franks are not as Kossher as you think!Just another lie! Mel Gibbson is doing the freak right now.
Mayor, that's the same thing I say when I read Mittens policy statements.
Suddenly, Bloomberg's speech reminded me of this blooper.
I really need to ask Rebecca what's the dealio with the asterisks there in the headline. If the fucking Atlantic Monthly can say "shit" in a headline, why the fuck can't we?
There were no asterisks in the copy I posted! Haven't you ever heard of the 1st amemment, Wonket???????
I'm a fuckin' artist! I'm sensitive as shit!
i throw up before i go on stage!
i could make a guitar speak!
if i could be a fisherman, i would,
but i can't because i'm a fucking genius! *
ALSO!!! Obligatory Onion linky.
National Lampoon's Radio Dinner?
"And George, with 'is Fookin' Hare Krishna…."
'Om a Fookin' ARTIST!
"Yoko! Yoko!"
EDIT: Magical Misery Tour!! Ha!
Submitted without comment:
V Chip
“Who wrote this shit?”
Funny. That's what a lot of people think when they read about Bloomberg's proposed legislation to ban big sodas.
As long as it's not the reaction to my posts, I am very happy, thank you.
No, our reaction to your post was "Who wrote this s***?"
[We keed, because we love.]
Just what I'd expect from a bunch of g***-f***ing s*** p********* like the a**-m******s at W*******
" One thing that’s hard to dislike about Bloomberg is that he’s often so plainspoken. "
Didn't they used to say the same thing about a former President / Governor of Texas? That didn't work out so well.
Why did I think you were about to say former President/ Governor of Georgia?
Another classic is "Because he's rich he doesn't owe anyone any favors." As if anyone gets rich by not owing favors.
Well. being plainspoken when you're smart is refreshing.
Being plainspoken when you're dumb is excruciating.
That's it.
Being plainspoken is admirable since it tends to mean one is confident and hopefully funny (so they get away with the plainspokenness). Bush was a spoiled little rich boy who was never told no, and therefore said whatever he wanted without thinking because he never had, or wanted, to. Think, I mean.
I love when the posts have a thread – male strippers, hot dog puns – next we'll get a story about someone choking on a garden hose just to flip out the Freudians in the audience.
Sometimes a garden hose is just a garden hose.
You know who else was a sauer Kraut?
Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.?
Sorry, I thought you said "sour Kenyan."
These guys?
A-Poppa-Oom-pah-pah, Poppa-Oom-Pah-Pah!
Funniest sound I ever heard. You know, I can't understand a single word.
Angela Merkel?
Let’s lighten up on what is the most endangered of endangered species the semi reasonable Republican office holder. Sure many when they are out of office admit the party has become weapons grade cretinous, only Mike does it when he is still mayor.
Better would have been "What cunt wrote this shit?"
Hot dogs are pink slime forced through a tube into a casing. Have a nice day.
Then boiled in dirty water, put on a squishy bun, and slathered with mustard and kraut*.
Which makes them deilcious.
*neon green relish, in heathen lands.
There are no winners in a hot dog eating contest.
After the event, the mayor banned hot dogs and cursing in public.
He is not plain spoken. Shit has become acceptable. Fuck, too.
That's probably the first TRUTH Bloomy has told in years! Break out the champagne!
Shatner's a Demigod of the Media. That's an unfair comparison.
I can't get behind that!
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