it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

And this tweet was liked by ... the Syrian National Council? Sure, why notOh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November.

Here is Donald Trump’s important interview with Greta van Susteren’s immobile, unblinking face:

For anyone for whom the prospect of hearing Donald-Greta chatter is too awful to bear, the short version is that Trump knows through his inside sources that Nobama is going to start a war with Iran right before the election, which he will then win in a landslide, because history has shown that Americans rally behind the guy who just started a war in the Middle East for no good reason. (The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.) Trump emphasizes that he loves war a lot and that America would totally win the U.S.-Iran Nobama War of 2012-2019, but that we “hold all the cards” in negotiations with them and that we should get “100%” of what we ask for in those negotiations, so war would be a bad idea. “If you send in the right person to negotiate we’ll win much more than we ever could win through war,” he says, in what has to be the most disgusting pile of hippie puke ever spewed forth on any Rupert Murdoch-owned network.

But wait, could Donald Trump have … a hidden agenda? Notice his emphasis on the “right person” negotiating with those Persian crum-bums. Later, he repeats that “the right person should negotiate a phenomenal deal.” I mean, yes, assuming sanity prevails and President Romney doesn’t inherit a terrible war in January 2013, who should be there to negotiate … a truly phenomenal deal with the Iranians?

DOES THIS FACE SCARE YOU AYATOLLAH ASSHOLA

As the interview develops, Trump emphasizes that if our negotiators knew what they were doing, we would have demanded half of Libya’s oil in return for the assistance we gave to the rebels, rather than just doing it because we “hated dictators” or whatever. So, yes, Donald Trump is campaigning openly to be Secretary of State, and will preside over a brave new era of diplomacy in which we will openly demand the right to nations’ natural resources if they know what’s good for them. Don’t worry, though, the walled and heavily guarded oil extraction compounds we build in conquered territory will be tremendous compounds, very quality.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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98 comments

  1. OldWhiteLies

    But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows …

    OK. That's it for me. Will the last one out please get teh lights and lock up on your way out? Drinkage, and soon, is what's required at this point.

    1. Antispandex

      You don't become a self made millionaire with your daddy's money, and take advantage of bankruptcy laws that you think shouldn't be used by others, by accident you know.

    2. sullivanst

      Well, not me, I'm out too. Run, don't walk, to the liquor cabinet.

      Now I have the most obnoxious song from John Mayer's shitty newist album stuck in my head that my step-daughter is obsessed with: "Whiskey whiskey whiskey"

  2. Antispandex

    "…important interview with Greta van Susteren…."

    Now THAT'S an oxymoron….or ironic. I can never keep that straight, but it's one or the other. Or both.

    1. HarryButtle

      Rain on your wedding day…black fly in your chardonnay…no smoking sign on your cigarette break…10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife…

      Nope. "Interview with Greta Van Susteren" is evidently not ironic according to Professor Morrissette. Of course, that could be because it's a bitch to rhyme "van Susteren."

  3. nounverb911

    "Trump is campaigning openly to be Secretary"
    He can borrow one of Lindsey Graham's dresses for the interview.

  4. TribecaMike

    In Farsi, "phenomenal" means "we shall execute the demonic rich in their penthouses."

  5. emmelemm

    The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.

    Buck up, little camper.

  6. badseeds

    Man, I bet you can really bang out the twitters when your fingers are as short as vulgar Donald's are.

  7. OkieDokieDog

    Damn you NBC, for giving this bloviating ignoramus a crappy assed reality show.

  8. ChernobylSoup

    We should send him to Iran to sort out their finances. They'd be bankrupt in no time. Call it the Trumpnet virus.

  9. JustPixelz

    Trump was kind enough to give us a preview of his Middle East negotiating technique:

    Look at what's going on with your gasoline prices. They're going to go to $5, $6, $7 and we don't have anybody in Washington that calls OPEC and says, "Fellas, it's time. It's over. You're not going to do it anymore."

    … I'm going to look 'em in the eye and say, "Fellas, you've had your fun. Your fun is over.

    Or…

    Stephanopoulos: It would take hundreds of thousands of troops to secure the oil fields.

    Trump: Excuse me. No, it wouldn’t at all.

    Stephanopoulos: So, we steal an oil field?

    Trump: Excuse me. You’re not stealing. Excuse me. You’re not stealing anything. You’re taking– we’re reimbursing ourselves– at least, at a minimum, and I say more.

    1. spends2much

      Are you shitting me? This is a real exchange? I must have blocked it out in order not to jump off a bridge in despair for human intelligence.

    2. Veritas78

      Apparently, Trump did look them in the eye and tell them their fun was over. Proof: gas prices are now at $3.30. The man's a genius, and quite the negotiator!

      Secretary of State is a consolation prize, though. Maybe we can nominate him for President by acclaim. Romney should step aside for a real businessman, leader, and job creator.

    3. Negropolis

      Stephanopoulos: It would take hundreds of thousands of troops to secure the oil fields.

      Trump: Excuse me. No, it wouldn’t at all.

      Stephanopoulos: So, we steal an oil field?

      Trump: Excuse me. You’re not stealing. Excuse me. You’re not stealing anything. You’re taking– we’re reimbursing ourselves– at least, at a minimum, and I say more.

      This is Trump in his entirety. There is nothing beyond this. Reimburse ourselves, indeed.

  10. MittBorg

    Is there anyone (other than a few fringie delusional nutbags) who takes teh Donald seriously and doesn't just think everything that comes out of his piehole is a desperate attempt at reaping publicity? Anyone?

  11. TribecaMike

    "We do not negotiate with terrorists, unless there's a possibility of a sweet real estate development deal." — Ronald Reagan, June 18, 1985

    1. anniegetyerfun

      He's got a face made for radio. And a voice made for silent movies. There's really no good medium for him.

  12. weejee

    Does teh Donald think Barry should be moar like Saint Ronnie and invade something closer like Granada? How about Staten Island?

  13. prommie

    Vile, insufferable, preening, ignorant, vulgar blowhard is a vile, insufferable, preening, ignorant, vulgar blowhard.

  14. Baconzgood

    "Only Republicans can bomb the shit out of brown people muther fucker."

    -Donald Trump-

  15. Fairtackle

    “If you send in the right person to negotiate we’ll win much more than we ever could win through war,"

    and would this "right person" just happen to be a reality TV star, hmmmm?

    I think he is referring to Tila Tequila.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I have more faith in Tila's negotiating tactic's than Donald's. Although I imagine there'd be ample dick-sucking in either scenario.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    @BarackObama? Oh my god – a Twitter attack on Iran. Won't someone think of the children?

    1. Antispandex

      Teh Donald should go to Iran on September 1st and offer himself as one of those human shields.

  17. Doktor Zoom

    For some reason, this 1980 cartoon came to mind. Jeff MacNelly was pretty good before he started doing "Shoe."

    (Hey, Josh, remember "Cartoon Violence?")

    1. flamingpdog

      Yet somehow I seem to remember something about the Ayatollyaso cutting a deal with Ronnie Raygun's bush-puppy to hang onto the hostages until after the election.

      And hey, great line from "Shoe": "I'm not getting older, I'm getting bitter."

    2. not that Radio

      If Josh refuses to reanimate (je je) Cartoon Violence, then you're just going to have to expand your empire here.

  18. prommie

    One would ordinarily have to go to a bowling alley to find an opinion so ignorant, racist, xenophobic, bellicose, and stupid.

  19. MissTaken

    Other things The Donald predicted:

    1. Beta's dominance over VHS
    2. Dewey defeats Truman
    3. Katie and Tom's 50th Wedding Anniversary
    4. Adam Sandler Oscar win for Jack And Jill

    1. Barb

      Lol @ Katie and Tom's 50th anniversary. All they needed was a Slim Jim rack and a Slurpee machine to make that a complete marriage of convenience.

  20. ChernobylSoup

    I thought discovery of the Higgs boson would prove that a Donald Trump could not exist in an orderly universe. Back to the drawing board, eggheads.

    1. MissTaken

      I comfort myself knowing that right now in some parallel universe there's a homeless bald man named Donald Trump who shouts about 'birth certificates' on the street corner while people flying by on their jetpacks just point and laugh.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Just to test his theory, Trump should stroll his yuge ass into Baghdad and negotiate with the Iraqis for their oil. I'm sure it would be an incredible deal. World class.

  22. fartknocker

    He should commission someone from Deviant Art to make his own national JPEG. I'm envisioning him searching for the President's birth certificate with a large monocle, while shooting foreign made weapon at real estate regulators, while riding breast enhanced tiger named Puma.

  23. anniegetyerfun

    Yes, because murdering more dark-haired foreign people is sure to rally Obama's liberal communist base.

  24. BarackMyWorld

    This is good news for John McCain, whose foreign policy ideas sound perfectly sane and reasonable when compared to Donald Trump (but hardly anyone else).

  25. anniegetyerfun

    To be perfectly fair, I think it might against Iranian law to build non-garish condos.

  26. coolhandnuke

    My grandpaps told me to never trust anyone who eats pizza with a fork or combs his hair with a shop-vac.

  27. fawkedifiknow

    And here I thought he was just an orange-wig stand. The Donald has Nixonian foreign policy moxie.

  28. flamingpdog

    "Trump: The Art of the Deal", by Donald Trump with Tony Schwartz

    And all you libtards gripe about how the Donald doesn't know any blacks.

  29. TribecaMike

    Isn't something supposed to actually happen before one can crow about having prophesied it?

    (And with that huge waste of brain, I've earned the first beer of the day.)

  30. Woodshedding

    Oh, he's going to be SO BUMMED when someone (who watches the 2% of TV programming that's actually valuable) tells him that this was already done, and they called it Arrested Development.

  31. ASHLEIGH_Joe

    So, after three years of constantly demanding that we bomb Iran, the claim now is suddenly that if Obama bombs Iran, it's proof that he's Morally Weak?

  32. rocktonsam

    to Donnie's credit, he is the only douche bag in Merika not running for any political office

    and the biggest douche bag also

  33. Guppy

    Trump knows through his inside sources

    Are these the same "inside sources" that found "very interesting things" while cruising Honolulu bars for Japanese tourists?

  34. flamingpdog

    that we should get “100%” of what we ask for in those negotiations = RethugliKlan definition of "compromise".

  35. ttommyunger

    Trump and VanShitstorm at the same time pegged the needle on my teevee's ugly meter. Still trying to get it to reset….

  36. Negropolis

    Trump is offensive to all of my senses, even my sixth one. But, he's wealthy, so that makes him better than most of us.

    I tell you, if I had the chance to disabuse America of one of the lies it holds dear it would be the lie that being wealthy is in and of itself a virtue.

  37. gurukalehuru

    Except for the fact that Trump said it, which makes it automatically mockable and ridiculous, I agree with the underlying sentiment. One good negotiator is more valuable than an army, and a small sliver of a fragment of a part of the cost.
    Which is why I am very glad that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State.

  38. Jus_Wonderin

    I think it is fair to say that if Donald just kept the dick in his mouth, we'd not have to hear this shit.

Comments are closed.