Job skillsAll dapper old New York Senator Marty Golden wanted to do was help dames get jobs by teaching them how to walk up and down stairs in an elegant manner, because apparently New York Senator Marty Golden is a real swingin’ daddy and knows what’s missing in female job applicants these days. Like, sure you have an advanced degree, li’l missy, but can you stand and sit like a model? But wouldn’t you know it, then a bunch of dumb women’s libbers started in with their moaning and their bra-burning about “this is 2012” and “maybe we could have equal pay laws instead of ‘etiquette’ classes” and also “go screw!”

Other goals of the “Polished Professional” summer series were to teach women “posture, deportment and the feminine presence,” as well as how to “correctly introduce self and others to: religious leaders, politicians, military and other socially prominent officials.” […]

A spokesman for Golden told City & State the goal of the event was to help young women land a job.

But were the ladies grateful? PROBABLY NOT.

“The actual issues women face aren’t addressed by special classes on ‘the art of feminine presence’ and how to ‘walk up and down a stair elegantly,’” [Feministe’s Jill] Filipovic said via email. “Our political leaders should be focusing on necessary policy changes to make sure that all women are paid fairly and are able to succeed professionally, regardless of their ability to walk with a book on their head. A 1950s-style etiquette class focusing on feminine charms rather than actual business acumen is insulting, regressive and wasteful.”

Well of course a feminist would say that. But what about a normal woman, like maybe the kind who would marry Rush Limbaugh? Sorry, we don’t know any of those.

And now poor old Sen. Marty Golden has had to cancel his class on feminine etiquette and deportment and posture, because chicks ruin everything.


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  • nounverb911

    The woman with the glass on her head looks just like my grandmother!

    • The really talented ones learned how to spit into it without taking the glass off

  • Pragmatist2

    He didn't mean any harm. He thought this would be a good way to meet chicks.

  • mrpuma2u

    Other goals of the “Polished Professional” summer series were to teach women “posture, deportment and the feminine presence,” = low cut blouse to show off the girls and mash men's lust buttons for professional gain

    • tessiee

      "low cut blouse to show off the girls"

      ( Y )

    • Puffperney

      How lewd!

      • mrpuma2u

        I resemble that remark…

  • OzoneTom

    There are probably some transgender folks who would have loved to attend.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I immediately thought you could work up a hell of a drag review from the applicant pool (and the old coot running it would probably never notice).

  • YasserArraFeck

    That's awesome – carrying my beer on their heads leaves two hands free to make my sammitch!!

    • karlamarx

      still laughing!!

  • OkieDokieDog

    Oh darn it. I'm sure there were many young ladies eager to have Mr. Senator Goldybooboobear teach them how to attach stockings to a garter belt.

    • sullivanst

      "Here honey, let me help you with that"


      • ChessieNefercat

        And how to swish that cute l'il bottom just so, juuust enough to almost!, but not quiiite, dodge Senator Goldypants pudgy, wiggling, pinching, poking fingers. Ya know ya like it, toots. Come on and sit on my lap and "take some dictation" if ya know what I mean and I'll bet you do!

        Hellllo 1960! The good old days!

  • ProgressiveInga

    Dammit, I was looking forward to being in a class with a bunch of ladies learning to look like ladies so I could meet my own personal Joan from Mad Men. Do I get a refund?

  • Estproph

    I've heard Golden's "Get in the kitchen and make me a sammich before I teach you a lesson" class is not that well-attended.

  • metamarcisf

    You know what I'd do if I had a million dollars? Two chicks at the same time.

    • In Bay Ridge? That would get you a whole lot more than two chicks at once.

      • proudgrampa

        Heck, yeah. That would be a freakin' bacchanal!

        • "Dad, I need five dollars for a guinea pig for school."

          "Son, here's ten, go get a good Irish girl."

          • LOL!!1!

            That sounds like the sort of joke you'd hear from a state senator who teaches women how not to be shrill feminists.

          • Say, now that you mention it, I WAS in Bay Ridge at a cop bar back in the 80s when I first heard it…some guy…thought he was Jewish with his last name but turned out he was a Mick…Cohan? Goldan?

            Can't remember….

    • Pragmatist2

      You can get a much better price on Craig's List.

      • tessiee

        *Sideshow Bob shudder*

    • tessiee

      Wait, isn't this a movie quote?

      Something like:
      First guy: You know what I'd do if I had a million dollars? Two chicks at the same time.
      Second guy: That wouldn't cost a million dollars.
      First guy: The kind of chicks that would have a threesome with me would.

      I think it might be from "Idiocracy", but I'm also not about to google "two chicks at the same time".

      • SoBeach

        Office Space.

        • karlamarx

          one of my favorites! (and you're right.)

      • metamarcisf

        There's nothing wrong with googling two chicks at the same time. Just be careful.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Try googling, in all innocence, the Bond Ultimate Sweater Machine. The google interpreted that as my looking for Bondage Ultimate Sweater Machine. And might I add, there are some scary machines out there.

        All I wanted was to knit some socks and mittens.

        • karlamarx

          still laughing. again!

    • Puffperney

      I did that once. It felt like being the third wheel on a bicycle.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Say what you will, but we'd all like Sarah Palin a little bit more if she had had a little "finishing school" experience, amiright?

    • Guppy

      Only if it's the kind of "finishing school experience" they show on pay-per-view.

    • Biff

      Just like Ann Rmoney, right?

    • mrpuma2u

      I refudiate that finishing school could help the Wasilla grifter act with any more dignitude.

      • She might learn that tasteful people (even from the Great White North) name their daughters Ashleigh Banfield.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If you mean she got thoroughly sanded down and three coats of lacquer, yes.

  • docteur_giraud

    Golden must think there's too much slouching among the young gals in the NYS Legislature's intern corral. (Albany is an awful, awful place.)

    • In my entire life the worst hotel I ever stayed in was a Ramada Inn in Albany. It made the Knight's Inn in Newburgh look like a Ritz Carleton.

  • Baconzgood

    What no Making Sandwiches 101?


    • Didn't you read the syllabus? It was right there in the "Gimme A Beer" major

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The dealbreaker was the seminar and demonstration on the proper use of feminine hygiene spray.

    • 61Below

      The Lysol(TM) product placement wasn't lucrative enough.

  • Goonemeritus

    As a guy I can still remember all the finishing school classes I had to take when I moved into senior management in my first fortune 500 corporation. Why to this day I can still put a tray of coffee down on a conference table and manage to show the proper amount of cleavage while doing it.

    • proudgrampa

      We called it "Charm School."

  • flamingpdog

    Whatever happened to the phrase, "Silence is Golden"?

  • Baconzgood

    Jeeze. Broads will rag on anything.

  • LesBontemps

    A spokesman for Golden told City & State the goal of the event was to help young women land a job.

    Herman Cain was going to be the guest speaker.

    • rhubarbpie2

      Land a man, not a job. Golden's not a congressman, actually — instead he's one of two remaining Republican state senators and thus has made sure to protect GOP values for us city folk, like disappearing from the floor of the senate during a vote to require micro-stamping of bullets.

  • I'm kinda surprised by this, until I recall his district abuts Anthony Weiner's old stomping grounds.

  • edgydrifter

    The forty-five minute presentation was just clips of Joan from Mad Men walking, smoking, and leaning against doorways, with subliminal "OBEY" frames spliced in every few seconds.


      • tessiee

        Just for shits and giggles, here's the famous fight scene:

        If you watch the very beginning closely, there's a heartrending moment where Roddy puts the glasses on to check and make sure that his trusted friend is really one of the good guys.

  • Do they get put in time out if they say the word "vagina"?

  • FraAnima

    I nominate Lorena Bobbit to teach the nice old congressman a lesson of her own.

  • BarackMyWorld

    But what about a normal woman, like maybe the kind who would marry Rush Limbaugh?

    Marrying Rush requires its own separate skill-set (i.e. being able to distract yourself with his net worth when he's boning you and/or voicing any opinion about women).

    • And subtle mastery of pre-nuptials agreements.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The "male deportment" class, however, with subjects such as "Armpit Fartnoise Making," "Injury-Free Smashing of Beer Cans Against the Forehead," and "Lighting Farts Without Setting Your BVDs on Fire" was very well attended and quite popular.

    • I really learned something in the "Shoe Mirrors" class.

    • Limeylizzie

      OK true story, I was in a Broadway show several years ago and was sharing a dressing-room with a fabulously funny woman, we both had to wear lingerie , hers included black stockings, we had a long time during Act 3 when we were not on stage, so were able to get into mischief. She was telling me that she used to light her farts and I didn't believe her, so she asked me to get a lighter and she would prove it, so I did and she did and a huge blue flame shot out of her arse and down her stockings,where it remained trapped, I was beyond hysterical as I tried to put it out by slapping her bottom. Another cast member heard us and reported us to the Stage Manager who reported us to the union and we were written up for causing damage to costumes!

      • She needed to take the stockings off, obviously

        • Limeylizzie

          She couldn't as they were actually tights and were under her corset/basque thingy .

      • tessiee

        At long last, we have a meme for Lighting your Farts FAIL.

    • BlueStateLibel

      I hear the male senior management class focused on Art of the Combover, Making Lame Jokes and Cultivating Bad Breath.

    • tessiee

      Since the good Senator is from New York, he can be the chairman of the Tri-State Studies faculty: Hair Gel, Axe Body Spray, and that thing they do when they think they're hot stuff, groping their crotch and yelling, "Fah-hawkin' AY!!"

  • the class was only open to women who weren't currently menstruating. Those women are to be jailed on the outskirts of the village until said time had passed

    • tessiee

      Of course, in addition to the menstrual hut for the women who *are* menstruating, the women who *aren't* currently menstruating *also* have to be locked up in jail for suspected feticide (if they're not pregnant) or locked up at home (if they are pregnant).

      Really not a good business plan, on second thought.

  • Schmannnity

    At the top of the stairs is a glass ceiling.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Whining editorial about NY's paternalistic, fake and condescending attitudes about women from Campbell Brown in 3….2….

    No Bias, No Bull!

  • WhatTheHeck

    The summer series included a class on how to go barefoot in the kitchen while staying in a constant state of pregnancy.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Feminine Deportment"?

    Republican immigration policy is getting worse and worse…

    • rickmaci

      I am sure Marty Goldenrod and his fellow Repubies with like to see some self deportment from the feminists.

  • SorosBot

    "how to “correctly introduce self and others to: religious leaders"

    That would be, "go fuck yourself, you child-raping shithole".

  • SayItWithWookies

    I don't understand Ms. Filipovic's objection — how can women have equal pay with men when men don't get Mrs. degrees? It makes no sense.

  • In my opinion, I think that a pretty girl is like a melody.

    • Thank Heaven, for zee little ones.

    • tessiee

      Cutest comment ever!

  • Another lost gig for Marcus Bachmann.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Do Eastern European women go to the Feminine Deportment when they need a coat, Tex?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Only after they pass a DNA test.

    • prommie

      I beg depotment?

  • Woodshedding

    Wait, why does he want to deport women? And where did he get a working time machine, especially on a Congressman's salary? I'm confused.

    • He's hoping women will self-deport from wanting equal pay for equal work.

  • Billmatic

    I bet he was hoping that the popular interest in the AMC television series "Mad Men" was a return to the good old days.

  • supergringa

    I have an MS in chemistry and I would totally take this class! But that could just be due to years of making science contributing to my awkwardness when I have to talk to people not wearing lab coats.

  • neiltheblaze

    By telling this guy to go screw, you're putting women in danger.

  • MiniMencken

    I'm seeing a reality teevee series in the making, "Fifty Shades of Golden." Who's in?

  • sullivanst

    Of course it goes without mentioning, Golden is a Republican. (+Conservative+"Independent" – NY party lines are silly)

  • Sorry Senator, you were saying? Just let me adjust my pillbox hat, I never know when I'm gonna need that aspirin to pop between my legs just from all the ogling and wolf-whistling reaped from my etiquette-enhanced struttin' and sashayin'~!

    • sullivanst

      ♪♫ You know it balances on your head
      Just like a mattress balances
      On a bottle of wine ♪♫

  • Dildeaux

    Cancelled summer series harshes my fapp.

  • Rethugs re-start their efforts to put the civil rights genie back in the lamp in 3, 2, 1…

  • Biff

    Balancing the books is a valuable skill for on the job, as well as managing the household budget.

  • MissTaken

    Will there also be a class to teach men how to wear deodorant and brush their teeth so they don't stink like a rotten bag of salted dicks?

    • SorosBot

      That class should be mandatory before attending Star Trek and comic book conventions.

  • Needz moar curtsying.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Cripe! Teach women to walk properly, sit up straight, and speak niceny-nice to politicians and priests and the next thing you know those upstart blacks will want to vote and eat at Woolworth lunch counters and sit in the front of the bus. This will be the downfall of civilization as we know it. I'm voting for George Wallace, you bet.

  • Guppy

    Perhaps if they could learn how to mix a proper vodka martini after work, they could catch a man and not need to worry about a job to begin with!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Well, stick a fish fork (third in towards the plate from the right, used for elegantly separating the fish meat from the bones) in me and call me done!

  • didgen

    Just back from 2 weeks with the Grandspawn, a 5 and 3 year old set of boys. I want to know what finishing school little boys go to that focuses on their penises, farts and belches. I was informed that the 5 year old doesn't like to watch America's next top model because " it makes his penis stand up." I will look at this as a step in the correct cultural direction, but I thought puberty started later. The night time refrain of penis penis butt butt butt fart still rings in my ears.

    • tessiee

      "I was informed that the 5 year old doesn't like to watch America's next top model because " it makes his penis stand up." "


      Isn't 5 awfully young for that?

      • Advn2rgirl

        Nope, they're programmed for that, as far as I can tell, from the womb. Back in 2000, when Jennifer Lopez was on the Grammy award show, my cousin Nick was three and very resistant to going to bed on time. His mom wanted to see the show that night and figured, "Let him run around; he'll go to sleep eventually." So Nick is running back and forth in that overtired toddler way (like a speed freak with ADD) until J. Lo comes out in that plunging green Versace dress. Nicky stops and just STARES at the tv and says, "Mama, she's PRETTTTTY!''

  • SorosBot

    Those dames have got some nice gams on them.

    • TribecaMike

      They don't make calves like they used to. Or do they?

  • I decided to look at the article before snarking because there is an actual "soft-job-skills" gap especially for youth who've never been employed. Then I looked and saw that the class was led by a "certified protocol consultant."

    Certified protocol consultant sounds like a great job for out of work local television personalities hit hard by the internets. Aren't they people too?

    • SorosBot

      Wait, was it held by C-3PO?

    • tessiee

      "there is an actual "soft-job-skills" gap especially for youth who've never been employed"

      Marge Simpson: You need a good, up-to-date resume. And try not to call your interviewer a punk, or a skank.
      Roadrash [taking notes]: Ohhhh! DON'T call them skanks!

    • proudgrampa

      Where in hell do you get a "protocol consultant" certification?

      I'm sure there's something you can google, I'm just too lazy to do it.

  • Biff

    This reminds me, my satellite teevee provider DISH Network just killed off the AMC channel offerings, so I now must quit them in protest. As soon as my contract expires, unless I can win on a technicality such as they breached the contract with me when they cancelled AMC…

  • Help me Senator, I don't know what to do.. I was going to dial up the local department store for their ladies' fashion but there are apparently no more department stores. So I called a popular retailer in the area and when I asked what sizes their girdles come in the lady on the other line laughed and– and asked me whose idea this was and I said Oh that nice man Marty Golden recommends it — and she said "tell him the only brand still sold here is 'I Can't Believe It's A State Senator!'"

  • glamourdammerung

    This "war on caterpillars" sure seems to involve a lot of offensiveness towards women.

  • tessiee

    "But what about a normal woman, like maybe the kind who would marry Rush Limbaugh?"

    And by "normal woman", we mean "10 year old boy".

  • tessiee

    I knew this reminded me of something:

    "Bitches move their bodies freely rather than restrain, refine and confine their motions in the proper feminine manner. They clomp up stairs, stride when they walk and don't worry about where they put their legs when they sit." — The BITCH Manifesto

    The whole manifesto is here:

  • Doktor Zoom

    Professor "Enry 'Iggins is not going to take this lying down.

    E was gonna teach 'em to walk an' to talk loik a regular laidy, 'e was!

    • sullivanst

      Scuse me Mistah, I was wondrin, where does the raiyn in Spaiyn mostly fall?

      (BTW, you were doing so well until you left the 'u' in reglah)

    • Angry_Marmot

      Been ladling gin down 'er throat 'til she come to so sudden, she fair bit the bowl off the spoon.

  • tessiee

    You can hardly blame Senator Goldilocks. The wimmenfolk on his staff were always going around menstruating on everything.

  • gogogodzilla

    "Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie."

  • TribecaMike

    So that's where lipstick lesbians come from.

  • tessiee

    Meh, if they weren't taking the class they'd probably just go out and get abortions anyway.

  • Redhead

    Well who let them out of the kitchen in the first place? This is what happens when you buy them birth control and shoes.

  • friendlyskies

    I just googled Marty Golden to judge his gait, posture, and elocution on youtube, and they are far, far less than elegant and graceful. I wish I could find more film of his stride, but here he is waddling, windmilling, and waving one pudgy little arm around to accentuate his point:

  • RuPaul already got this covered with a teevee show. I seen it: them ladies are classy n'shit.
    Just wheel the big teevee on the cart into they classroom. BOOM.

  • As a lady of refinement, I would welcome classes that would help mold more young women into the feminine ideal that Republican men find so appealing. Instead of all these lumbering, bellowing, flannel-wearing, softball-playing, cursing, feminist, snobby-elitist gals who know they're as good as any man, we need more self-effacing, delicate, soft-spoken, stylish, ladylike, role modes like The Palins™, Ann Skeletor Coulter, and Michelle Malkin. I bet they wouldn't be too proud to fetch Rush Limbaugh's coffee with just the right amount of Oxycontin in it if he barked an order at them.

  • tessiee

    Miss Manners said we should kick Senator Golden in the balls.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Sad thing is, there was a time during my adolescence when my mom would have loved for me to take a class like this. Instead I took "pickin up chicks 101" and she has long since given up on me.

    • tessiee

      Haw, my openly gay former boss said she used to tell her parents she was going to the library, but then meet up with girls. So I said *I* used to tell my parents *I* was going to the library, but then meet up with boys. I guess everybody's in the closet, would be my take-away, here.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Because everyone remembers how wonderful it was for women during the "Mad Men" era…

  • hippie13

    Ah yes, Talkin to your betters 101 a classic of the genre, I love how there are lessons in walking up stairs-how dumb are thr GOP women that they need help with this?

  • rickmaci

    Jeebuz. Better all around if he would offer a class to fellow male Repubies in how to act like a man or for overcoming the need to be a bully.

  • Antispandex

    “Polished Professional” summer series were to teach women “posture, deportment and the feminine presence,”

    Code words for blow jobs.

  • thefrontpage

    Hey, moron idiot Marty Golden—please check your calendar. This is 2012. Moronic and idiotic and insulting and barbaric and stupid "etiquette" "classes" for anyone–male or female–were never appropriate–never. That means they weren't appropriate 50 years ago, they weren't appropriate in the 1930s or 1940s, they weren't appropriate 100 years ago, and they were never appropriate. But for a "politician" to even suggest such stupid things in 2012 is almost beyond belief. We need to stop electing such morons to political office.

  • I knew when I was clumsily descending those stairs that my chance at making partner were shot to Hell.

  • ttommyunger

    This is a travesty! Hell, the lessons on "Sleeping on the wet spot, swallowing vs. spitting, and overcoming the gag reflex" alone were worth the price of admission.

  • TribecaMike

    Sadly, the fact that Golden has cancelled this seminar means that America is now facing a shortage of trained automatons. And my carpet could used a good vacuuming.

  • schvitzatura

    Marty Golden is a retired New York City Police Officer who received numerous awards during his ten years with the Police Department. Marty was forced to retire in 1983, after suffering a serious injury while making a narcotics arrest.

    Frank Serpico libel!

    • BklynE

      It is widely-circulated gossip in these parts (yes…I am oh-so-fortunate to have Marty as my Senator) that he shot himself in the leg during the arrest. Yet, during election cycles, he regularly runs half-marathons and 5Ks. It is also generally accepted that he likes to take in a pub or two…or three or four…or five or six…every so often (i.e., seven days a week).

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