do not marry the ambitious

Ann Romney To Obama: Please Don’t Kill Mitt With A Missile If I’m Nearby

Magic shirt-eagle will capture Obama death missle in its clawsAnn Romney is no dummy, you guys! She knows all about how much Obama loves killing all of his enemies with missiles from flying death robots. And who is the Obama Administration’s most hated enemy? Well, it’s probably whoever the CIA has picked out of a hat as “al Qaeda #2″ is this week, but after that, it’s Mitt Romney all the way. Probably one of those EPA drones is coming for Willard any day now, and so Ann Romney has a message for the drone-meisters: “Not when I’m next to him you better not.” Can Ann stop missiles with her mind, or is she just hoping not to go out Afghan-wedding style?

Your Comics Curmudgeon would rather eat razor blades than watch video of husband-wife political candidate interviews for network morning news shows, so we’re just going with the transcript on this one, but apparently there’s a secret Obama Administration memo about murdering Mitt Romney?

In August, some Democratic strategists let leak to the press that Obama’s top aides were looking at a massive character takedown of Romney in light of a deterring economy; “kill Romney” was a phrase used by one. “That was their memo that came out from their campaign,” Ann Romney said. “And it’s like, ‘not when I’m next to him you better not.”

What other superpowers does Ann Romney have, in addition to missile deflection? Well, there’s also her ability to find her husband “approachable.”

Ann Romney said it’s all part of a plan to portray her husband “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.” Pressed by Crawford on what qualities in her husband she sees most misrepresented, she said, that “he’s not as approachable as I am or something like that. That’s like, really kind of funny to me because it’s all – it’s all backwards.”

“That’ll change,” Mitt Romney assured her. “That’ll come with time.”

Is there not something terribly creepy about that last bit of Mitt reassurance? “Some day, in time, America will come to love me,” says Mitt, the way a not unkindly king in days of old would assure a beautiful foreign princess that eventually she will find her arranged marriage to his lout of a son and heir bearable.

Anyway, the only reason that Ann is allowing Mitt to run at all is because he gave her his personal promise that he would fix the economy for everyone:

“It was that question on the economy,” her son, Josh, said. “She asked him, ‘Will you turn the economy around?’ And he said, ‘yes.'”

But even if he doesn’t, things will work out OK for her because a trust she controls owns a mysterious Bermuda corporation that earned $1.9 million dollars recently, so don’t worry about her too much. [CBS/AP/AP]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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  1. hollywooddood

    It's just to rev up the bagger base. They love words like that.

    Words have consequences, you stupid bitch.

  2. ChernobylSoup

    Maybe that's what that bird on her shirt is for, to scare away the drones. I can't think of any other reason to wear that Holocaust of fashion.

    1. chicken_thief

      Bird?! I thought it was a fish. But then, I also thought at first that she had a nipple bared.

    2. GeneralLerong

      Via secret signals known only to them, fashion designers call shit like this "Sly Revenge."

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Predator drones cannot detect a non-organic/synthetic target, so Mitt is probably safe from Hellfire attack.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      This is incorrect. The hellfire missile system is laser and / or radar guided.

  4. Goonemeritus

    Ann Romney said it’s all part of a plan to portray her husband “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.”

    The real Mitt is there such a thing when software can be changed to upgrade him for any new task. One could almost call Mitt a Universal Tool.

  5. Arken

    How dare the Democrats use violent rhetoric in a political campaign!

    Don't they know that's the GOP's job?

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.”

    They used to say the same thing about Andy Kaufman.

  7. OneYieldRegular

    "Creepy? Me? Really now. Once you get to know me I'm sure you won't find me creepy. That'll come with time. So, like I've been asking you since last spring, that day I first saw you through your bedroom window and knew you were the girl for me, can I give you a massage, please? You really do look sorta tense."

  8. elburritodeluxe

    It's just not fair, you guys. Republicans have been super truthful about Obama and here he is saying mean and untrue things about Mitt Romney!

  9. Terry

    "Not while I'm next to him"

    That can be taken two ways: 1. "You BEST not even be thinking about going after my man. I'll mess you up, beeeotch." or 2. "You BEST not get blood and guts on my hideously overpriced and just plain hideous bird shirt! Blow him up when he's across the room."

    1. BerkeleyBear

      And no. 1 is pretty damn funny – like vapid shrill blond scares anyone anymore. Well, other than Mitt.

  10. Goonemeritus

    I get really nervous when a Wall Street type uses the term “Fix”, over the last few decades it has become as clear as an azure sky that the financial system is just that, fixed.

  11. nirrti_rachelle

    She's sure one to talk about Obama's "killer drones". Is she sure her husband isn't an undercover drone sent by Repubs to destroy us all? Of course that would've meant Repubs would've had to become self-aware like Skynet.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    Ann Romney said it’s all part of a plan to portray her husband “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.” Pressed by Crawford on what qualities in her husband she sees most misrepresented, she said, that “he’s not as approachable as I am or something like that. That’s like, really kind of funny to me because it’s all – it’s all backwards.”

    “That’ll change,” Mitt Romney assured her. “That’ll come with time.”

    I'm too busy to wait.

  13. widestanceromance

    I heard there was going to be a sequel to 'Blade Runner,' but I had no idea Obama had been cast in the starring role.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    “And it’s like, ‘not when I’m next to him you better not.”

    Right on, Valley Girl! Make sure that your vile offspring and their spawn are with him, too, when it happens!

  15. SoBeach

    I can never figure out which wingnut reality I'm supposed to believe. Is the Kenyan Muslim supposed to be this evil genius who is going to kill anyone who gets in the way of his master plan to turn the US nazi/commie/sharia? Or is he an incompetent, ignorant community organizer who doesn't even know how many states there are?

    Ann says evil, murderous tyrant. This week.

    Throw me a bone here, nutters. Pick ONE reason I'm supposed to be flying the flag upside down and lighting my hair on fire and stick with it. It's too exhausting for me otherwise.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      I lit a cigarette on a parking meter and walked on down the road. It was a normal day.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      She's all about the dressage. Probably a bit less interested in the shltage.

  16. prommie

    Just how fucking inbred ARE these mormons? Its a blond Marie Osmond, holy fuck, they all have the same teeth and cheeks and look of total vapid smug self-satisfaction. My theory is that the the whole purpose of this polygamy cult was so sex pervert dudes could marry multitudes of teenaged wives. It stands to reason they would be seeking nice-looking victims, and it also stands to reason no woman was gonna fall for this bullshit unless she was dumber than a box of hammers. Cults prey on the stupid, look at that poor retarded boy, Tom Cruise and this scientology thing. And so to this day, Utah teems with brainless blonde barbies.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Someone better tell Travolta and Cruise that the Scientology only likes gays for the blackmail opportunities.

      I'll bet they already know that.

  17. randcoolcatdaddy

    Hmph … she's just let it slip out of the bag that Mitt is really just an illegal Messican.

  18. Guppy

    Doesn't she realize that murder drones are an important part of presidential powers in our post-9/11 world?!

    Why does Ann Romney hate George W. Bush?

  19. smashedinhat

    Ever been in a situation where the ATM swallows your debit card and the service guy behind the impenetrable wall cuts it half before you can petition on your knees to retrieve it?

    The media should do this to the Mittens assault on the intelligence of multi-celled lifeforms.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Or that nose. She wasn't , it has been altered , expensively, over the years with a definite "freshen-up" at some point during this campaign.

  20. friendlyskies

    This is the problem with educating people according to what they can afford. We educate all the Ann Romneys and Paris Hiltons and Kim Kardashians, and end up with a bunch of idiot housewives with advanced degrees in dressage or whatever. Meanwhile, the smart, poor kids are stuck washing their cars and fixing their hair while these bimbos blather nonsense for the camera. Sheesh.

  21. sullivanst

    Hmm, interesting that the Romney family still owns Sankaty. Sankaty is part of the Bain empire, and indeed one of the Bain components that owned chunks of Stericycle that the Romney campaign is claiming that Mitt had absolutely nothing to do with because he had absolutely nothing to do with Bain after February '99 even though he was signing SEC filings in November '99 saying he had sole control.

  22. arihaya

    I'm sure Ann Romney got a rock-solid prenup where she will get half of the Carribean with all of the slush funds deposited therein, in case an "accident" happened to Mittens.

  23. PubOption

    "Don't kill Mitt while he is any of our compounds. It will be too much work to clean up the mess."

  24. FajitaFriday

    Christ he's been married to a drone for how many years and it hasn't killed him yet.

  25. mavenmaven

    I just hope the killer drones have video capacity, so we can see what antimissile apps Romney's creators armed him with. I would guess something laser based, but it would be the coolest youtube video EVER.

  26. poorgradstudent

    If Mitt means he'll try to pay us all off like usurper Bush the Second did that one time then I'm game, but only if he uses his own money.

  27. Monsieur_Grumpe

    “That’ll change,” Mitt Romney assured her. “That’ll come with time.”

    Thanks to modern mood altering drugs no doubt.

  28. glamourdammerung

    Mitt can not stand up to frequent crier Rush Limbaugh. Hell, Mitt can not even stand up to Donald Trump. Why in the world would anyone feel threatened by this cretin?

  29. glamourdammerung

    Also, this is hilarious coming from the wife of the guy that had to run a ton of negative ads because he could not beat Gingrich or Santorum.

  30. rickmaci

    I repeat, if we can't use the g**damn drones to take out a zealot religious extremist intent on destroying the principles of our democracy, then what the hell good are they, anyway?

  31. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "The Bermuda company had almost no assets, according to Romney's 2010 tax returns."

    Yet it "earned" $1,900,000. In Bermuda.
    I too have almost no assets, but evidently I'm doing it wrong.

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