DO NOT MARRY THE AMBITIOUS  9:54 am July 5, 2012

Ann Romney To Obama: Please Don’t Kill Mitt With A Missile If I’m Nearby

by Josh Fruhlinger

Magic shirt-eagle will capture Obama death missle in its clawsAnn Romney is no dummy, you guys! She knows all about how much Obama loves killing all of his enemies with missiles from flying death robots. And who is the Obama Administration’s most hated enemy? Well, it’s probably whoever the CIA has picked out of a hat as “al Qaeda #2″ is this week, but after that, it’s Mitt Romney all the way. Probably one of those EPA drones is coming for Willard any day now, and so Ann Romney has a message for the drone-meisters: “Not when I’m next to him you better not.” Can Ann stop missiles with her mind, or is she just hoping not to go out Afghan-wedding style?

Your Comics Curmudgeon would rather eat razor blades than watch video of husband-wife political candidate interviews for network morning news shows, so we’re just going with the transcript on this one, but apparently there’s a secret Obama Administration memo about murdering Mitt Romney?

In August, some Democratic strategists let leak to the press that Obama’s top aides were looking at a massive character takedown of Romney in light of a deterring economy; “kill Romney” was a phrase used by one. “That was their memo that came out from their campaign,” Ann Romney said. “And it’s like, ‘not when I’m next to him you better not.”

What other superpowers does Ann Romney have, in addition to missile deflection? Well, there’s also her ability to find her husband “approachable.”

Ann Romney said it’s all part of a plan to portray her husband “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.” Pressed by Crawford on what qualities in her husband she sees most misrepresented, she said, that “he’s not as approachable as I am or something like that. That’s like, really kind of funny to me because it’s all – it’s all backwards.”

“That’ll change,” Mitt Romney assured her. “That’ll come with time.”

Is there not something terribly creepy about that last bit of Mitt reassurance? “Some day, in time, America will come to love me,” says Mitt, the way a not unkindly king in days of old would assure a beautiful foreign princess that eventually she will find her arranged marriage to his lout of a son and heir bearable.

Anyway, the only reason that Ann is allowing Mitt to run at all is because he gave her his personal promise that he would fix the economy for everyone:

“It was that question on the economy,” her son, Josh, said. “She asked him, ‘Will you turn the economy around?’ And he said, ‘yes.’”

But even if he doesn’t, things will work out OK for her because a trust she controls owns a mysterious Bermuda corporation that earned $1.9 million dollars recently, so don’t worry about her too much. [CBS/AP/AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 84 comments }

hollywooddood July 5, 2012 at 9:57 am

It's just to rev up the bagger base. They love words like that.

Words have consequences, you stupid bitch.

thatsitfortheother1 July 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

Surveyor marks and all.

ChernobylSoup July 5, 2012 at 9:59 am

Maybe that's what that bird on her shirt is for, to scare away the drones. I can't think of any other reason to wear that Holocaust of fashion.

Maman July 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

You do not care for the $1,000 t-shirt? Wait 'til you see the crazy bird pants that went with that ensemble….

Nothingisamiss July 5, 2012 at 10:29 am

It's a 9/11 for my eyes!

chicken_thief July 5, 2012 at 10:35 am

Bird?! I thought it was a fish. But then, I also thought at first that she had a nipple bared.

nirrti_rachelle July 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

She should've gone for the face hugger alien one. More appropriate….

Biff July 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

I also thought it was a fish. Being allergic to fish, I didn't give it much thought.

Estproph July 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

The bad thing is, it's actually a fish.

actor212 July 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

Say, you must be one them "scientitians" I keep reading about…

ChernobylSoup July 5, 2012 at 10:52 am
Estproph July 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

I stand corrected. In that picture it looks just like a koi.

GeneralLerong July 5, 2012 at 11:05 am

Via secret signals known only to them, fashion designers call shit like this "Sly Revenge."

BaldarTFlagass July 5, 2012 at 10:00 am

Predator drones cannot detect a non-organic/synthetic target, so Mitt is probably safe from Hellfire attack.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

This is incorrect. The hellfire missile system is laser and / or radar guided.

Preacher_Griz July 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

If she was a Christian she would be SO HAWT!!!!

chicken_thief July 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

Needz moar librarian glasses. For the Wasilla-y intelligenty look.

Oblios_Cap July 5, 2012 at 12:35 pm

MORONI LIBEL!

Goonemeritus July 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

Ann Romney said it’s all part of a plan to portray her husband “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.”

The real Mitt is there such a thing when software can be changed to upgrade him for any new task. One could almost call Mitt a Universal Tool.

Arken July 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

How dare the Democrats use violent rhetoric in a political campaign!

Don't they know that's the GOP's job?

BaldarTFlagass July 5, 2012 at 10:02 am

“in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.”

They used to say the same thing about Andy Kaufman.

thatsitfortheother1 July 5, 2012 at 10:14 am

And Son of Sam…

Biff July 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

Beyond his role as Latka Gravas, I didn't get him at all.

OneYieldRegular July 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

"Creepy? Me? Really now. Once you get to know me I'm sure you won't find me creepy. That'll come with time. So, like I've been asking you since last spring, that day I first saw you through your bedroom window and knew you were the girl for me, can I give you a massage, please? You really do look sorta tense."

An_Outhouse July 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Its missing the uncomfortable, inappropriate laugh injected at random.

elburritodeluxe July 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

It's just not fair, you guys. Republicans have been super truthful about Obama and here he is saying mean and untrue things about Mitt Romney!

Terry July 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

"Not while I'm next to him"

That can be taken two ways: 1. "You BEST not even be thinking about going after my man. I'll mess you up, beeeotch." or 2. "You BEST not get blood and guts on my hideously overpriced and just plain hideous bird shirt! Blow him up when he's across the room."

BerkeleyBear July 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

And no. 1 is pretty damn funny – like vapid shrill blond scares anyone anymore. Well, other than Mitt.

FraAnima July 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

Surveyor mark libel!

Goonemeritus July 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

I get really nervous when a Wall Street type uses the term “Fix”, over the last few decades it has become as clear as an azure sky that the financial system is just that, fixed.

chascates July 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

In her favor she seems less drugged than Laura Bush.

Oblios_Cap July 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

slightly

thatsitfortheother1 July 5, 2012 at 10:16 am

W had connections.

Biff July 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Limbaugh is a close family friend.

Ben Cisco July 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

I'm beginning to think he may be the SANER of the two of them.

I'll be over in the corner cringing, thanks.

Nothingisamiss July 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

It's like being the smartest of the Palins.

Maman July 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

oh, he's a tool alright!

nirrti_rachelle July 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

She's sure one to talk about Obama's "killer drones". Is she sure her husband isn't an undercover drone sent by Repubs to destroy us all? Of course that would've meant Repubs would've had to become self-aware like Skynet.

EatsBabyDingos July 5, 2012 at 10:11 am

"Approachable..backwards": Mitt is Rick Perry?

metamarcisf July 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

Put a bird on it.

Oblios_Cap July 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

Ann Romney said it’s all part of a plan to portray her husband “in a light that is just completely wrong… they don’t get him at all.” Pressed by Crawford on what qualities in her husband she sees most misrepresented, she said, that “he’s not as approachable as I am or something like that. That’s like, really kind of funny to me because it’s all – it’s all backwards.”

“That’ll change,” Mitt Romney assured her. “That’ll come with time.”

I'm too busy to wait.

fawkedifiknow July 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

Cindy McCain had nothing on this pompous, entitled beyatch.

widestanceromance July 5, 2012 at 10:16 am

I heard there was going to be a sequel to 'Blade Runner,' but I had no idea Obama had been cast in the starring role.

Oblios_Cap July 5, 2012 at 10:17 am

“And it’s like, ‘not when I’m next to him you better not.”

Right on, Valley Girl! Make sure that your vile offspring and their spawn are with him, too, when it happens!

SoBeach July 5, 2012 at 10:17 am

I can never figure out which wingnut reality I'm supposed to believe. Is the Kenyan Muslim supposed to be this evil genius who is going to kill anyone who gets in the way of his master plan to turn the US nazi/commie/sharia? Or is he an incompetent, ignorant community organizer who doesn't even know how many states there are?

Ann says evil, murderous tyrant. This week.

Throw me a bone here, nutters. Pick ONE reason I'm supposed to be flying the flag upside down and lighting my hair on fire and stick with it. It's too exhausting for me otherwise.

actor212 July 5, 2012 at 10:21 am

Did she just accuse Obama of conspiracy to commit murder?

thatsitfortheother1 July 5, 2012 at 10:23 am

I lit a cigarette on a parking meter and walked on down the road. It was a normal day.

Oblios_Cap July 5, 2012 at 10:23 am

Doesn't Ann have better things to do? That horse ain't gonna dress itself.

thatsitfortheother1 July 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

She's all about the dressage. Probably a bit less interested in the shltage.

prommie July 5, 2012 at 10:23 am

Just how fucking inbred ARE these mormons? Its a blond Marie Osmond, holy fuck, they all have the same teeth and cheeks and look of total vapid smug self-satisfaction. My theory is that the the whole purpose of this polygamy cult was so sex pervert dudes could marry multitudes of teenaged wives. It stands to reason they would be seeking nice-looking victims, and it also stands to reason no woman was gonna fall for this bullshit unless she was dumber than a box of hammers. Cults prey on the stupid, look at that poor retarded boy, Tom Cruise and this scientology thing. And so to this day, Utah teems with brainless blonde barbies.

Oblios_Cap July 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

Someone better tell Travolta and Cruise that the Scientology only likes gays for the blackmail opportunities.

I'll bet they already know that.

Puffperney July 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Well said!

zwoits July 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

She converted to marry Mitt.

randcoolcatdaddy July 5, 2012 at 10:23 am

Hmph … she's just let it slip out of the bag that Mitt is really just an illegal Messican.

Guppy July 5, 2012 at 10:36 am

Doesn't she realize that murder drones are an important part of presidential powers in our post-9/11 world?!

Why does Ann Romney hate George W. Bush?

unclejeems July 5, 2012 at 10:36 am

What's to get?

smashedinhat July 5, 2012 at 10:38 am

Ever been in a situation where the ATM swallows your debit card and the service guy behind the impenetrable wall cuts it half before you can petition on your knees to retrieve it?

The media should do this to the Mittens assault on the intelligence of multi-celled lifeforms.

starfanglednut July 5, 2012 at 10:40 am

The lady doth protest too much. She'd just love to get hit by Obama's big, hard predator drone.

actor212 July 5, 2012 at 10:42 am

He has a king missile, no doubt

Buckminster July 5, 2012 at 10:45 am

She's looking for a "tucking"

Estproph July 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

There is no way she was born with that face.

Limeylizzie July 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

Or that nose. She wasn't , it has been altered , expensively, over the years with a definite "freshen-up" at some point during this campaign.

friendlyskies July 5, 2012 at 10:42 am

This is the problem with educating people according to what they can afford. We educate all the Ann Romneys and Paris Hiltons and Kim Kardashians, and end up with a bunch of idiot housewives with advanced degrees in dressage or whatever. Meanwhile, the smart, poor kids are stuck washing their cars and fixing their hair while these bimbos blather nonsense for the camera. Sheesh.

Buckminster July 5, 2012 at 10:45 am

That shirt gives me the heebie jeebies!

valthemus July 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

The woman is walking ipecac.

sullivanst July 5, 2012 at 10:49 am

Hmm, interesting that the Romney family still owns Sankaty. Sankaty is part of the Bain empire, and indeed one of the Bain components that owned chunks of Stericycle that the Romney campaign is claiming that Mitt had absolutely nothing to do with because he had absolutely nothing to do with Bain after February '99 even though he was signing SEC filings in November '99 saying he had sole control.

arihaya July 5, 2012 at 10:49 am

I'm sure Ann Romney got a rock-solid prenup where she will get half of the Carribean with all of the slush funds deposited therein, in case an "accident" happened to Mittens.

PubOption July 5, 2012 at 10:52 am

"Don't kill Mitt while he is any of our compounds. It will be too much work to clean up the mess."

FajitaFriday July 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

Christ he's been married to a drone for how many years and it hasn't killed him yet.

tweeksmom July 5, 2012 at 11:06 am

Have no fear, Annie! The Magic Underwear will protect Mitt!

mavenmaven July 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

I just hope the killer drones have video capacity, so we can see what antimissile apps Romney's creators armed him with. I would guess something laser based, but it would be the coolest youtube video EVER.

An_Outhouse July 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

You know who else got a country to love him, eventually?

poorgradstudent July 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

If Mitt means he'll try to pay us all off like usurper Bush the Second did that one time then I'm game, but only if he uses his own money.

BlueStateLibel July 5, 2012 at 11:39 am

Mitt will turn the economy around using the magic of his Magic Underwear!

Monsieur_Grumpe July 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

“That’ll change,” Mitt Romney assured her. “That’ll come with time.”

Thanks to modern mood altering drugs no doubt.

glamourdammerung July 5, 2012 at 11:58 am

Mitt can not stand up to frequent crier Rush Limbaugh. Hell, Mitt can not even stand up to Donald Trump. Why in the world would anyone feel threatened by this cretin?

glamourdammerung July 5, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Also, this is hilarious coming from the wife of the guy that had to run a ton of negative ads because he could not beat Gingrich or Santorum.

Puffperney July 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Right. Apparently no sense of the hypocritical or even the ironic.

SpeedoFart July 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

WTF is on her shirt?

I can't decide is it's an eagle or a trout.

TribecaMike July 5, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Either the all-knowing Masonic eye or the all-seeing Mormon nipple.

Comrade Wingtardd July 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

What the FUCK is on that dress? a long necked canary? some sort of fish?

rickmaci July 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I repeat, if we can't use the g**damn drones to take out a zealot religious extremist intent on destroying the principles of our democracy, then what the hell good are they, anyway?

ttommyunger July 5, 2012 at 8:49 pm

NEVER cracked a sweat during sex…..Mittens either, for that matter.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 5, 2012 at 10:33 pm

"The Bermuda company had almost no assets, according to Romney's 2010 tax returns."

Yet it "earned" $1,900,000. In Bermuda.
I too have almost no assets, but evidently I'm doing it wrong.

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