Mexico Elects Sarah Palin President

Pleez be our sexy prez!Assumed Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto is a snappy dresser. He’s 45 years old with a handsome baby face. He has a molded Pompadour. He poses for the cameras “like Brad Pitt and DiCaprio.” He’s been compared to John F. Kennedy. He’s a political movie star, married in a storybook top hats n’ tails wedding to a telenovela actress (who created her own reality show featuring her on the campaign trail, “thinking and feeling.”). And he has thousands of drooling, swarming, huaraches-in-the-air female followers “pressing against barricades, screaming “Enrique bonbon!” “Peña, you’re hot,” and “I want you on my mattress.” Well, based on preliminary election results (final count due today), it looks like they all voted for him too, which is as close as they will get to his perfect hair.

It’s all about the fantasy. And the fantasy is about to come true. Except when he goes off script, goes rogue, shall we say. Then everything falls apart. Does any of this sound familiar?

In a Palinesque encounter with some hard-nosed, “gotcha” media goons at a Guadalajara book fair, Peña Nieto made an appearance to promote a book he allegedly wrote, Mexico: The Great Hope, and answered questions at a press conference. He was asked by Spain’s El Mundo to name the three books that changed his life. He said, “All of them, Katie,” and continued to babble incoherently (while thoughtfully resting his finger on his nose) for almost four minutes. In desperation, he pulled the bible out of his hair. Of that esteemed book, he read “Parts of it, Katie. In my youth.” He then said, “I liked The Eagle’s Throne by Enrique Krauze” (which was written by Carlos Fuentes). In response, Carlos Fuentes said, “This man hasn’t read me, he has the right of not doing so. What he doesn’t have the right to do is to aspire to be president of Mexico based on ignorance.” Here is the infamous press conference, for your subtitled viewing pleasure.

As the perfect macho counterpart to Palin’s Mama Grizzly, Peña Nieto, when asked at another press conference if he knew the minimum wage or the price of a kilo of tortillas, made a wild (wrong) guess and when challenged declared, “I’m not the housewife.” He later said that his comments were taken out of context. He really meant to say that he is not the housewife in his house. Ohhhhh. That wasn’t good enough, so he apologized to housewives and tortilla tossers all across Camexilot.

In 2011, The Economist caught him in a full-on lie misstatement, when he claimed “that the murder rate in Mexico state had fallen by more than half during his six-year term. … This was particularly amazing given that the national murder rate more than doubled during the same period.”

We heard rumors that like Obama, Peña Nieto has to read from a teleprompter. Since this immediately means they’re both idiots, Peña Nieto would do well to take a tip from Sarah Palin and write his presidential acceptance speech on his hand.


About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines
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    1. NorthStarSpanx

      And probably thinks the country would be so awesome if only it weren't full of Mexicans.

      1. An Asexual Ungulate

        But then he'd just be left with the chupacabras, and they're just so damn lazy and shiftless… you can't trust them.

    2. flamingpdog

      I think you have Sarah confused with her running mate, John McCain, who though he would going to be the next incontinent President.

  1. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Wrong quote marks. Aligned quote marks (as in left and right) are not recognized by the browser. Copy and paste one of these "

    1. lisawines

      I have a problem with embedding videos where I paste the embed code on the html tab and save and it disappears. I just tried it again and now it's gone completely. Sorry. Still working on it. Thanks for the tip.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Well, there's the HTML markup, and whatever the scrubbing scripts pull out. Most likely, the object element got scrubbed, the one that hosted the video player element.

        Most websites frown upon random peeps dropping videos onto a page.

  2. weejee

    he claimed “that the murder rate in Mexico state had fallen by more than half during his six-year term. … This was particularly amazing given that the national murder rate more than doubled during the same period.”

    1/2 or 2/1?? The maths are hard and reciprocals harder still. One-half, two-fold, obliviously the murder rate changed and he was in office so huzzahs. Olé, too, also.

      1. decay500

        thanks. Looks like the prediction that Nieto will go after the Telecommunications cartels probably won't happen.. Shocker.

      2. richmx2

        Wrong answer, Johnnyzhivago. Slim backed Lopez Obrador. Peña Nieto's backers are the Azucarraga family, owners of Televisa. Also, the Obama Administration much preferred the pliable Peña Nieto to Lopez Obrador or the hapless Vasquez Mota.

  3. SexySmurf

    Old news, but since we're speaking of the Palin clan:

    “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp”…premiere drew a mere 726,000 viewers and didn’t even rank among the night’s top 100 cable programs in key demos.

    Thems some CNN numbers right there.

    1. Katydid

      Lifetime bumped the show to 11 PM for dance Mom repeats. $ister $arah to bash Lifetime in 3..2..

    2. MittBorg

      I'm shocked that three-quarters of a million people actually know who this slack slut is and are willing to tune in and watch her babble drooling inanities.

        1. MittBorg

          The only thing I know about Kardashians is that they are Armenian; their mother appears to have a thing for names beginning with "K"; there are four or more sisters; at least one of them has a big ass but can't dance worth shit; and one of them was married to someone for a whole couple weeks, or something. Beyond that, I know nothing whatsoever. Oh, wait, is their father or stepfather somehow involved with the trial of OJ Simpson? I think so maybe but don't care enough to check.

      1. flamingpdog

        Three quarters of a million of the oldz feel asleep in front of the TeeVee a half hour before Bristle came on the air.

    3. Guppy

      If they're CNN numbers, does that mean that Life's a Tripp was actually the most successful premiere ever?

      1. not that Radio

        MSNBC will respond with Life's a Hunt: The Huntsman Daughters, which will actually be wildly successful.

  4. Crank_Tango

    Yeah yeah yeah, I'll wait until I see the birf certificate thank you very much. No way in hell was that guy born in America, or even Hawaii.

  5. Biff

    Does he also pardon turkeys?Does he have a brood of challenged offspring? He bears watching, I think.

    1. zhenjiu

      Is he Papa Jaguar to Palin's Mama Grizz? Sounds like he needs a visit from El Super Barrio!

  6. mavenmaven

    He's the "return of the old guard", so we can expect the good old corruption back in its proper place.

  7. Warpde


    No not you Wonketts.
    Kay, my wife…
    Kay, where's my dinner?………
    Don't you nag me woman………
    We're talking about that Alaskan slut hound.
    yeah, yeah, yeah…..
    I hear ya…..
    but, but, but…..
    I know she's a ……
    Oh, you tell the Tbuggers that they will be on my………
    Damn you woman….get my dinner or I'm calling your mothe……..

    Shit, now I know how Todd feels……….

    1. Negropolis

      He probably can given Mexico's drug wars. Los Zetas are like a death panel and a half, let me tell you. You couldn't pay me to be a high-ranking politician in Mexico, these days. It's like Iraq, but with with tacos.

        1. Negropolis

          Yes, if you're so lucky as for them to be on your side. Otherwise, you can only hope that when they hang you from a freeway overpass, that you get to be hanged in your clothes.

          The Mexican gang situation is pretty complicated. What's not so complicated, though, is learning and observing the tactics that keep them as a criminal nuisance as opposed to a guerilla insurgency.

  8. NorthStarSpanx

    Is Fox News Latino going to offer El Presidente his own show while he's in office?

  9. Extemporanus

    Mlle Lisa neglected to mention that Enrique is related to fellow Mexican Mitt on his madres' sides.

    1. lisawines

      Dayam! I didn't find that in allll my research. Better go to teh goggle and type in pena nieto mitt romney and see what happens (other than discussions of their hairs).

  10. MittBorg

    Looks like there's a bad epidemic of idiocy in Mexico. Let's hope it doesn't spread. The South American countries have finally shaken off centuries of RW dictatorship. It's time for the zapatistas to come out and take the country.

    1. scvirginia

      I don't want to make you sad, but those damned RWer's are still at it in South America: Don't know if the new guy is a dictator, but he's got the right name for a strongman…

    1. Gurkman

      Mexico may be a 85% percent Catholic, but most people are only culturally so, and even if they are religious, they pray to indigenous saints rather than doing stuff that Catholic's are supposed to do. That's why Latino neighborhoods are full of black magic shops but all the Catholic parishes there are shutting down.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      No — the rule is that Protestants ignore the Bible, whereas Catholics ignore the Pope.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Oh, so you're going to just leave The Great Cornholio out of the equation, eh?

  11. chascates

    And how will this affect the price of marijuana in the U.S.? And will Gabriel Garcia Marquez write a novel about him?

        1. James Michael Curley

          I thought Agamemnon was killed by his wife Chlamydia, or Clytemnestra. or Cyclemenstration or whatever.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            They were both murdered while in the bathtub. Also, Marat's secretary was named Agamemnon — and Agamemnon's secretary was named Marat. Spooky, huh?

          2. James Michael Curley

            · Well there is the Lincoln/Kennedy – Kennedy/Lincoln and both shot in the back of the head spook fest also, too.

  12. Gurkman

    What's the difference between a brainless prettyboy priísta and a pitbull?

    Pitbull can get a U.S. visa because he's Cuban.

  13. cheetojeebus

    Previously unknown William Burroughs novel from his days south of the border?

  14. Goonemeritus

    It takes a lot more than being a poorly read ill-informed liar trading on his looks to be in Sarah class. Call me when he quits half term to cash in on his infamy and then spends three years intently making the Country lose IQ points.

  15. BarackMyWorld

    Doesn't posting articles about foreign countries on July 4th disrespect the troops?

    This according to the Rules of Calvinball Real America. Wonkette is so disgraceful.

    1. chascates

      Obama spent part of the day at an immigration ceremony. WITH PEOPLE THAT WEREN'T AMERICANS UNTIL HE SHOWED UP!

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Why didn't he just save some time and give them all fake birth certificates? That's how HE became a "citizen"!

      2. James Michael Curley

        Another July dafort goes by and many of my tea bagger neighbors wax horribly conflicted over their immigration views and Neil Diamond's "America".

    2. Negropolis

      This whole blog can be shipped to Afghanistan because of that. Only Wonketters will have lost any.

    3. lisawines

      This communist expat writer was unaware that it was July 4th and thus put shame upon the high standards of Wonketteland. It's now July 5th and I woke up with a vague feeling of existential guilt. Of course, I wake up every morning like that.

    1. chascates

      If it's like mine it quickly lost self-awareness and just became another appendage. And at age 58 it drips a little now.

  16. barto

    "El vacío demográfico facilita que un político carente de inteligencia e iniciativa se desempeñe sin muchas complicaciones."

    That's just good stuff right there! Loosely translated "The demographic emptiness (of Alaska) enables a politician laking intelligence and initiative to redeem thenselves without many compications."

  17. Beowoof

    Hey what's up with the Mexican News, today is the day we are supposed to Drink Budwiser (owned by Imbev) eat hot dogs made with pork from Argentina and cooked all up on a gas grill made in China and fueled with propane from Qatar. Murica, Murica, Murica. Were number one, ( in diabeetus)./

  18. fuflans

    he may be stupid, but he's wayyy prettier than anything that came out of alaska.

    sorry, shallow i know, but it had to be said.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    This isn't fair — we're getting Mexico's cheap labor and we don't want it, and yet we've got so much ignorance and violence that we're giving it away for free. America's squandering a beautiful market opportunity here, folks.

    1. not that Radio

      Don't worry; it will all even out. Under the Romney Economy, they'll be getting our cheap labor.

  20. Barb

    Crap, it is 11:20 P.M. at my house and I almost forgot to wish Sarah Palin a Happy Fourth of YouLie.

  21. Negropolis

    Within the semi-reoformed structure of Mexican politics, the new PRI is a better alternative than PAN. Sorry. It's truly the lesser of two evils. I realize the liberal concern-trolling on this sounds good out of context, but within the context of still broken Mexican politics, Josefina Vázquez Mota was the Sarah Palin of Mexico. If Obrador didn't come across so fucking crazy all the damned time, we might have something to actually cheer about.

  22. DerrickWildcat

    I used to have a job where I dealt with a lot of people that only spoke Spanish. So I figured if I only watched Univision for a month or so, I would learn Spanish. This did not work. The shows were unwatchable. I couldn't take it. I couldn't even understand what was going on, but it didn't matter. They were terrible! I remember one show was like all of the America's Funniest videos shows. It consisted mainly of Dogs shitting and humping legs, and people falling down while playing soccer. So either there wasn't a lot of video recorders at the time in Mexico so they just showed anything sent in by anyone or Mexicans generally find Dogs shitting and humping legs, and falling down while playing soccer immensely entertaining.

    1. James Michael Curley

      You missed the shows about old fat people dressed up like children and a Cantinflas movie every three hours.

    2. lisawines

      It was probably free programming. In France, on New Years eve, the only thing on television, other than surreal variety shows with middle-aged frumpy women as tight-wire performers and other people who lost their stage presence 50 years ago, were 1980s America's Funniest Videos – of people falling down and animals doing despicable things. I know this because two years in a row I was invited to somebody's house where we all sat around, in silence, watching these shows until midnight was rung in by the variety show host with a comb-over and his two sparkling evening-gown-clad co-hostesses long past their prime, singing Auld Lang Syne in French. Strangest experience I've ever had.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        America's Funniest Videos is big in Germany also, too (weekly).

        Should really be called Stupid Pet(ulent Republican) Tricks.

    1. flamingpdog

      I typed in "thingie over the n" into Google and got this (and about 969,999 other results. What did we ever do without teh Google?

    2. James Michael Curley

      You need an old IBM Selectric typewriter to put a tilde over a letter in English, also to fake your annual performance evaluation to cover going awol.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Really. I recently revisited that subject with a conservative colleague. I asked him how W managed to walk away from a pilot commitment without being FEB'd or Court Martialed.

        That was pretty much the end of the discussion

  23. James Michael Curley

    Another Republican privatization and market place solution of a governmental problem shows that the 'invisible hand' is reaching into your pocket and fisting you afterward.

    Rodney Hailey scams $9 million by selling Republican 'this will solve the pollution problem' fuel credits given to him by the EPA for his 'biomass fuel conversion' company, a collection of tanks and PVC piping stacked in a garage in rural Maryland.

  24. ttommyunger

    Let's just admit it, optics count way too much in politics today. Does anyone really think Barry would have gotten elected if he looked like Urkel?

    1. James Michael Curley

      If it was still 1996 or something. Then Urkel was 'da ????' (I forgot what the utes was usin back then.)

  25. Tundra Grifter

    Are those two young ladies wearing bumper stickers instead of cut-off t-shirts? That must hurt like heck when they are pealed off.

    Still, however, a novel idea.

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