idiotas

Mexico Elects Sarah Palin President

Pleez be our sexy prez!Assumed Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto is a snappy dresser. He’s 45 years old with a handsome baby face. He has a molded Pompadour. He poses for the cameras “like Brad Pitt and DiCaprio.” He’s been compared to John F. Kennedy. He’s a political movie star, married in a storybook top hats n’ tails wedding to a telenovela actress (who created her own reality show featuring her on the campaign trail, “thinking and feeling.”). And he has thousands of drooling, swarming, huaraches-in-the-air female followers “pressing against barricades, screaming “Enrique bonbon!” “Peña, you’re hot,” and “I want you on my mattress.” Well, based on preliminary election results (final count due today), it looks like they all voted for him too, which is as close as they will get to his perfect hair.

It’s all about the fantasy. And the fantasy is about to come true. Except when he goes off script, goes rogue, shall we say. Then everything falls apart. Does any of this sound familiar?

In a Palinesque encounter with some hard-nosed, “gotcha” media goons at a Guadalajara book fair, Peña Nieto made an appearance to promote a book he allegedly wrote, Mexico: The Great Hope, and answered questions at a press conference. He was asked by Spain’s El Mundo to name the three books that changed his life. He said, “All of them, Katie,” and continued to babble incoherently (while thoughtfully resting his finger on his nose) for almost four minutes. In desperation, he pulled the bible out of his hair. Of that esteemed book, he read “Parts of it, Katie. In my youth.” He then said, “I liked The Eagle’s Throne by Enrique Krauze” (which was written by Carlos Fuentes). In response, Carlos Fuentes said, “This man hasn’t read me, he has the right of not doing so. What he doesn’t have the right to do is to aspire to be president of Mexico based on ignorance.” Here is the infamous press conference, for your subtitled viewing pleasure.

As the perfect macho counterpart to Palin’s Mama Grizzly, Peña Nieto, when asked at another press conference if he knew the minimum wage or the price of a kilo of tortillas, made a wild (wrong) guess and when challenged declared, “I’m not the housewife.” He later said that his comments were taken out of context. He really meant to say that he is not the housewife in his house. Ohhhhh. That wasn’t good enough, so he apologized to housewives and tortilla tossers all across Camexilot.

In 2011, The Economist caught him in a full-on lie misstatement, when he claimed “that the murder rate in Mexico state had fallen by more than half during his six-year term. … This was particularly amazing given that the national murder rate more than doubled during the same period.”

We heard rumors that like Obama, Peña Nieto has to read from a teleprompter. Since this immediately means they’re both idiots, Peña Nieto would do well to take a tip from Sarah Palin and write his presidential acceptance speech on his hand.

[Youtube]

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines
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  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I am cool so long as he isn't owned by a narco-lord and has some people on staff with a clue.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      er, wait til my next article. :-)

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        Damn. I await with baited breath Lisa!

        • flamingpdog

          Ewwww, Maman! Either cut back on the worms, or use some Lavoris!

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        Please tell me it's not titled "Mexico Elects Joe Arpaio President".

        • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

          Yes!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If he's like Sarah Palin he probably thinks he's the president of a whole continent now.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      And probably thinks the country would be so awesome if only it weren't full of Mexicans.

      • An Asexual Ungulate

        But then he'd just be left with the chupacabras, and they're just so damn lazy and shiftless… you can't trust them.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

          Can he see Los Estados Unidos from his porch?

        • Negropolis

          Puerto Rico cryptid libel!

    • flamingpdog

      I think you have Sarah confused with her running mate, John McCain, who though he would going to be the next incontinent President.

    • bandidaglobal(timão)

      hello johnny

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Wrong quote marks. Aligned quote marks (as in left and right) are not recognized by the browser. Copy and paste one of these "

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      I have a problem with embedding videos where I paste the embed code on the html tab and save and it disappears. I just tried it again and now it's gone completely. Sorry. Still working on it. Thanks for the tip.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      OK, still couldn't embed so I linked to the youtube page instead. :-(

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Well, there's the HTML markup, and whatever the scrubbing scripts pull out. Most likely, the object element got scrubbed, the one that hosted the video player element.

        Most websites frown upon random peeps dropping videos onto a page.

        • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

          You nailed it. It was a permissions thing. :-)

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    he claimed “that the murder rate in Mexico state had fallen by more than half during his six-year term. … This was particularly amazing given that the national murder rate more than doubled during the same period.”

    1/2 or 2/1?? The maths are hard and reciprocals harder still. One-half, two-fold, obliviously the murder rate changed and he was in office so huzzahs. Olé, too, also.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Hey, he got the 2 and the one right! He's the president, not some kind of rocket scientist!

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Kinda like Saint Ronnie?

      • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

        He's not the housewife's calculator.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      4/3 of the people don't understand fractions.

    • http://myreadyroom.wordpress.com Ben Cisco

      25 or 6 to 4.

  • decay500

    Who are the KochBros of Mexico? Hard at work gettin election marketing biz done.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Just one brother: Carlos Slim Helu

      • decay500

        thanks. Looks like the prediction that Nieto will go after the Telecommunications cartels probably won't happen.. Shocker.

      • http://mexfiles.net richmx2

        Wrong answer, Johnnyzhivago. Slim backed Lopez Obrador. Peña Nieto's backers are the Azucarraga family, owners of Televisa. Also, the Obama Administration much preferred the pliable Peña Nieto to Lopez Obrador or the hapless Vasquez Mota.

    • Vecchiojohn

      Gustavo Fring?

  • SexySmurf

    Old news, but since we're speaking of the Palin clan:

    “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp”…premiere drew a mere 726,000 viewers and didn’t even rank among the night’s top 100 cable programs in key demos.

    Thems some CNN numbers right there.

    • Katydid

      Lifetime bumped the show to 11 PM for dance Mom repeats. $ister $arah to bash Lifetime in 3..2..

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm shocked that three-quarters of a million people actually know who this slack slut is and are willing to tune in and watch her babble drooling inanities.

      • Schmannnity

        Kardashians. Hello?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          The only thing I know about Kardashians is that they are Armenian; their mother appears to have a thing for names beginning with "K"; there are four or more sisters; at least one of them has a big ass but can't dance worth shit; and one of them was married to someone for a whole couple weeks, or something. Beyond that, I know nothing whatsoever. Oh, wait, is their father or stepfather somehow involved with the trial of OJ Simpson? I think so maybe but don't care enough to check.

          • Negropolis

            Kim Kardashian sex tape. Hello?

      • flamingpdog

        Three quarters of a million of the oldz feel asleep in front of the TeeVee a half hour before Bristle came on the air.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yeah, that's more likely than any other speculation.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      That makes me very happy, for some odd reason.

    • Guppy

      If they're CNN numbers, does that mean that Life's a Tripp was actually the most successful premiere ever?

      • not that Radio

        MSNBC will respond with Life's a Hunt: The Huntsman Daughters, which will actually be wildly successful.

  • Crank_Tango

    Yeah yeah yeah, I'll wait until I see the birf certificate thank you very much. No way in hell was that guy born in America, or even Hawaii.

  • Biff

    Does he also pardon turkeys?Does he have a brood of challenged offspring? He bears watching, I think.

    • zhenjiu

      Is he Papa Jaguar to Palin's Mama Grizz? Sounds like he needs a visit from El Super Barrio!

  • mavenmaven

    He's the "return of the old guard", so we can expect the good old corruption back in its proper place.

  • Warpde

    K'ay…K'ay…

    No not you Wonketts.
    Kay, my wife…
    Kay, where's my dinner?………
    Don't you nag me woman………
    We're talking about that Alaskan slut hound.
    yeah, yeah, yeah…..
    I hear ya…..
    but, but, but…..
    I know she's a ……
    WHAT!!!…
    Oh, you tell the Tbuggers that they will be on my………
    Damn you woman….get my dinner or I'm calling your mothe……..
    WHAT!!!!!!!

    Shit, now I know how Todd feels……….

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Good lord…it's like a fucking virus.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Well fuck him…I can see Taco Bell from my house.

    • coolhandnuke

      In ten years it will replace the Liberty Bell as our multi-national symbol.

    • zhenjiu

      Taco Bell…I think I wet 'em!!

  • Come here a minute

    President-elect Peña Nieto can see death panels from his house.

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      Then, using binoculars, he should be well able to read Alaskan newspapers and books. All of them.

    • Negropolis

      He probably can given Mexico's drug wars. Los Zetas are like a death panel and a half, let me tell you. You couldn't pay me to be a high-ranking politician in Mexico, these days. It's like Iraq, but with with tacos.

      • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

        Except when you have the Zetas doing your campaign ransom collecting and ballot box stuffing. Then you're set.

        • Negropolis

          Yes, if you're so lucky as for them to be on your side. Otherwise, you can only hope that when they hang you from a freeway overpass, that you get to be hanged in your clothes.

          The Mexican gang situation is pretty complicated. What's not so complicated, though, is learning and observing the tactics that keep them as a criminal nuisance as opposed to a guerilla insurgency.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Que linda!!!
    Mas fapisimo!!!!

    • glasspusher

      ¿Fapidimente?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Is Fox News Latino going to offer El Presidente his own show while he's in office?

  • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

    "I want you on my mattress."

    The come-on of the world's Fattest Generation.

    • horsedreamer_1

      MANUEL URIBE LIBEL!!!

  • Extemporanus

    Mlle Lisa neglected to mention that Enrique is related to fellow Mexican Mitt on his madres' sides.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      Dayam! I didn't find that in allll my research. Better go to teh goggle and type in pena nieto mitt romney and see what happens (other than discussions of their hairs).

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Looks like there's a bad epidemic of idiocy in Mexico. Let's hope it doesn't spread. The South American countries have finally shaken off centuries of RW dictatorship. It's time for the zapatistas to come out and take the country.

    • scvirginia

      I don't want to make you sad, but those damned RWer's are still at it in South America: http://bit.ly/OIruXY Don't know if the new guy is a dictator, but he's got the right name for a strongman…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Now I has a sad.

        • scvirginia

          I share your sad.

  • bumfug

    Right, but can he see Russia from his hacienda?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Well it's good to know America isn't the only country full of stupid voters.

  • http://methowtv.com/ Blueb4sunrise

    Does he have a special child?

    • http://mexfiles.net richmx2

      Do a couple illegitimate kids count? He has at least two.

  • horsedreamer_1

    "Todos esos, Cata. Cada una que mis asistentes me ponen en frente".

    • Vecchiojohn

      Talk American or go back to Russia, goddam it.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Due to Lisa and her rabid followers, Obrador has demanded a recount
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-18717146

  • scvirginia

    Is it kinda brave to refer to the Bible as a novel in Mexico?

    • Gurkman

      Mexico may be a 85% percent Catholic, but most people are only culturally so, and even if they are religious, they pray to indigenous saints rather than doing stuff that Catholic's are supposed to do. That's why Latino neighborhoods are full of black magic shops but all the Catholic parishes there are shutting down.

    • Guppy

      Only if it's a Protestant version.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No — the rule is that Protestants ignore the Bible, whereas Catholics ignore the Pope.

  • PuckStopsHere

    He got elected to a half term, right?

  • not that Radio

    Bumblebee Man/El Aso Wipo 2016!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Oh, so you're going to just leave The Great Cornholio out of the equation, eh?

  • chascates

    And how will this affect the price of marijuana in the U.S.? And will Gabriel Garcia Marquez write a novel about him?

    • Schmannnity

      45 comments before something relevant.

    • 12X34X

      Only if he, while reclining in his bath, suddenly ascends into heaven.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Like Marat and Agamemnon?

        • James Michael Curley

          I thought Agamemnon was killed by his wife Chlamydia, or Clytemnestra. or Cyclemenstration or whatever.

          • SayItWithWookies

            They were both murdered while in the bathtub. Also, Marat's secretary was named Agamemnon — and Agamemnon's secretary was named Marat. Spooky, huh?

          • James Michael Curley

            · Well there is the Lincoln/Kennedy – Kennedy/Lincoln and both shot in the back of the head spook fest also, too.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar sinister priests or bishops.

  • Gurkman

    What's the difference between a brainless prettyboy priísta and a pitbull?

    Pitbull can get a U.S. visa because he's Cuban.

    • Schmannnity

      Dry foot. Wetback.

    • Negropolis

      Oh, that is so dripping with WIN.

  • Schmannnity

    Does he have any fat single parent mom-daughters?

    • BearNoLike

      Does he shoot wildlife/emigres from a helicopter?

      • not that Radio

        Has he had breast augmentation surgery?

  • scvirginia

    Are Peña Nieto's followers called Peñistas?

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      Good one! But actually, they're called PRIistas.

      • scvirginia

        The groupies, too?

    • MosesInvests

      No, Pendejos.

  • cheetojeebus

    Previously unknown William Burroughs novel from his days south of the border?

    • SayItWithWookies

      It's number one with a bullet.

  • Goonemeritus

    It takes a lot more than being a poorly read ill-informed liar trading on his looks to be in Sarah class. Call me when he quits half term to cash in on his infamy and then spends three years intently making the Country lose IQ points.

    • glasspusher

      Wow, you should write dictionary entries for her. Well done, sir!

  • ProgressiveInga

    Si se puede, ese!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Doesn't posting articles about foreign countries on July 4th disrespect the troops?

    This according to the Rules of Calvinball Real America. Wonkette is so disgraceful.

    • chascates

      Obama spent part of the day at an immigration ceremony. WITH PEOPLE THAT WEREN'T AMERICANS UNTIL HE SHOWED UP!

      • BarackMyWorld

        Why didn't he just save some time and give them all fake birth certificates? That's how HE became a "citizen"!

      • James Michael Curley

        Another July dafort goes by and many of my tea bagger neighbors wax horribly conflicted over their immigration views and Neil Diamond's "America".

    • glasspusher

      Srs up fist fr Calvinball reference.

    • Negropolis

      This whole blog can be shipped to Afghanistan because of that. Only Wonketters will have lost any.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      This communist expat writer was unaware that it was July 4th and thus put shame upon the high standards of Wonketteland. It's now July 5th and I woke up with a vague feeling of existential guilt. Of course, I wake up every morning like that.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    It is said about the PRI that they ruled with a combination of fascism and incompetence. Seems like Peña Nieto fits right in.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Camexilot

    Lisa Wines, I am humbled to be in your digital presence.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    PeñisNet became self-aware at 8:11 p.m. on July 4, 2012.
    ~

    • chascates

      If it's like mine it quickly lost self-awareness and just became another appendage. And at age 58 it drips a little now.

  • TribecaMike

    This calls for some fireworks, Olympics-style… http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

  • barto

    "El vacío demográfico facilita que un político carente de inteligencia e iniciativa se desempeñe sin muchas complicaciones."

    That's just good stuff right there! Loosely translated "The demographic emptiness (of Alaska) enables a politician laking intelligence and initiative to redeem thenselves without many compications."

  • Beowoof

    Hey what's up with the Mexican News, today is the day we are supposed to Drink Budwiser (owned by Imbev) eat hot dogs made with pork from Argentina and cooked all up on a gas grill made in China and fueled with propane from Qatar. Murica, Murica, Murica. Were number one, ( in diabeetus)./

  • BearNoLike

    Cool when do we start outsourcing shit there again?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    he may be stupid, but he's wayyy prettier than anything that came out of alaska.

    sorry, shallow i know, but it had to be said.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This isn't fair — we're getting Mexico's cheap labor and we don't want it, and yet we've got so much ignorance and violence that we're giving it away for free. America's squandering a beautiful market opportunity here, folks.

    • not that Radio

      Don't worry; it will all even out. Under the Romney Economy, they'll be getting our cheap labor.

  • flamingpdog

    Mexico without corruption at the highest levels? That would be a novel idea.

  • flamingpdog

    What's Messican for I'd hit that.?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I believe that the only thing that might be a worse job than the President of Mexico is Al-Qaeda #2.

  • Barb

    Crap, it is 11:20 P.M. at my house and I almost forgot to wish Sarah Palin a Happy Fourth of YouLie.

  • ElPinche

    Ugh..I'm changing my name to "The…whatever pinche is in Englich"

  • Negropolis

    Within the semi-reoformed structure of Mexican politics, the new PRI is a better alternative than PAN. Sorry. It's truly the lesser of two evils. I realize the liberal concern-trolling on this sounds good out of context, but within the context of still broken Mexican politics, Josefina Vázquez Mota was the Sarah Palin of Mexico. If Obrador didn't come across so fucking crazy all the damned time, we might have something to actually cheer about.

  • rickmaci

    How do you say, "More side boob" in Spanish?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I used to have a job where I dealt with a lot of people that only spoke Spanish. So I figured if I only watched Univision for a month or so, I would learn Spanish. This did not work. The shows were unwatchable. I couldn't take it. I couldn't even understand what was going on, but it didn't matter. They were terrible! I remember one show was like all of the America's Funniest videos shows. It consisted mainly of Dogs shitting and humping legs, and people falling down while playing soccer. So either there wasn't a lot of video recorders at the time in Mexico so they just showed anything sent in by anyone or Mexicans generally find Dogs shitting and humping legs, and falling down while playing soccer immensely entertaining.

    • James Michael Curley

      You missed the shows about old fat people dressed up like children and a Cantinflas movie every three hours.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      It was probably free programming. In France, on New Years eve, the only thing on television, other than surreal variety shows with middle-aged frumpy women as tight-wire performers and other people who lost their stage presence 50 years ago, were 1980s America's Funniest Videos – of people falling down and animals doing despicable things. I know this because two years in a row I was invited to somebody's house where we all sat around, in silence, watching these shows until midnight was rung in by the variety show host with a comb-over and his two sparkling evening-gown-clad co-hostesses long past their prime, singing Auld Lang Syne in French. Strangest experience I've ever had.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        America's Funniest Videos is big in Germany also, too (weekly).

        Should really be called Stupid Pet(ulent Republican) Tricks.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Presidente Pinata. (with a thingie over the n, i don't know how to do that. I don't even know what that's called. What is that called?)

    • flamingpdog

      I typed in "thingie over the n" into Google and got this (and about 969,999 other results. What did we ever do without teh Google?

    • James Michael Curley

      You need an old IBM Selectric typewriter to put a tilde over a letter in English, also to fake your annual performance evaluation to cover going awol.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Really. I recently revisited that subject with a conservative colleague. I asked him how W managed to walk away from a pilot commitment without being FEB'd or Court Martialed.

        That was pretty much the end of the discussion

  • misanthrope

    I'd hit it, aye papi!

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    I never knew mexxican tramps could look SO HAWT!!!!

  • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Comrade Wingtardd

    And who said innovation was dead in Amurika?

  • DahBoner

    tortilla tossers all across Camexilot

    Aaaaaay!!!

  • James Michael Curley

    Another Republican privatization and market place solution of a governmental problem shows that the 'invisible hand' is reaching into your pocket and fisting you afterward. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/05/us/biofuel-frau

    Rodney Hailey scams $9 million by selling Republican 'this will solve the pollution problem' fuel credits given to him by the EPA for his 'biomass fuel conversion' company, a collection of tanks and PVC piping stacked in a garage in rural Maryland.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    montar me y gruñido

  • ttommyunger

    Let's just admit it, optics count way too much in politics today. Does anyone really think Barry would have gotten elected if he looked like Urkel?

    • James Michael Curley

      If it was still 1996 or something. Then Urkel was 'da ????' (I forgot what the utes was usin back then.)

  • freddymcmurray

    is this what's known as a palinsta? dios mio.

  • elburritodeluxe

    In this video he looks like the Mexican Alan Thicke!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Are those two young ladies wearing bumper stickers instead of cut-off t-shirts? That must hurt like heck when they are pealed off.

    Still, however, a novel idea.

  • bandidaglobal(timão)

    oi gente sou do brasil hello.

  • bandidaglobal(timão)

    todos positivados