E Plebnista!One of the nicer Independence Day traditions in this country is the swearing-in of new citizens by the President of the USA. Jaded though we may be in this modern age of instant worldwide communications, 24-hour news cycles, and flying robotic kittycat death drones, we nevertheless actually get a little misty-eyed at the idea that, on the holiday celebrating the nation’s founding, the actual freakin’ PRESIDENT welcomes a bunch of new citizens to enjoy the full rights and responsibilities of being Americans. It’s really kind of awesome.

Ah, but not so fast, you sentimental goons! What if that POTUS is himself maybe an illegal alien (we’re not saying he is, but the question has been raised by some) who thinks that maybe it would be a good idea to not deport every last foreign-born child ever? Then we are talking about an entirely different kettle of Indonesian flying fish! And even worse, what if that POTUS uses the occasion of that citizenship ceremony to suggest that American immigration policy might possibly be changed? Well, then, friends and neighbors, what you have is an unprecedented politicization of a sacred national day! Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro, that Platonic Ideal of a bloviating wingnut, is terribly sad for America, because “Even on July 4, President Obama can’t stop campaigning.” Inconceivable! How could a President even think of the election on the 4th of July in an election year?

On the 236th anniversary of America’s declaration of independence from Great Britain, President Obama has decided to celebrate in a rather unusual way: by politicizing immigration. President Obama trotted out his teleprompter for a naturalization ceremony for military members – a beautiful event. Except that Obama couldn’t keep his yap shut about the DREAM Act:

“We’re still perfecting our union, still extending the promise of America. That’s why, as another step forward, we’re lifting the shadow of deportation from serving — from deserving young people who were brought to this country as children. It’s why we still need a DREAM Act — to keep talented young people who want to contribute to our society and serve our country. It’s why we need — why America’s success demands — comprehensive immigration reform.”

Or, we could just allow America to celebrate these immigrants who wanted to serve their country in the most courageous possible way, rather than turning their citizenship ceremony into a political talking point.

Mr. Shapiro is clearly moved to despair, for no other President has ever campaigned on the 4th of July. For instance, in 2006, George W. Bush would certainly never have lowered himself to flog political talking points at a naturalization ceremony:

I believe this country can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time. We’re going to enforce our laws, but we’ll also honor our proud immigrant heritage. I support a comprehensive immigration reform… We must resolve the status of millions of illegal immigrants who are here already. We shouldn’t be granting people automatic citizenship, nor is it possible to kick people out of the country. There’s got to be a rational way, and I proposed a way forward…

Congress is now considering legislation on immigration reform; that legislation must be comprehensive. All elements of the problem must be addressed together, or none of them will be solved at all.

This sort of thing was getting to be familiar territory for GWB on July 4th; back in 2002, he also politicized immigration by signing an executive order granting a shortcut to citizenship for immigrants serving in the military.

Similarly, Saint Ronald Reagan never besmirched our national holiday by mentioning politics. He did it on July third, 1987 instead!

Our administration has argued in the courts that if the Government takes private property through regulation, the “just compensation” clause of the Constitution requires that the owner must be duly paid… Property rights are central to liberty and should never be trampled upon…

The centerpiece of the Economic Bill of Rights, the policy initiative we launch today, is a long-overdue constitutional amendment to require the Federal Government to do what every family in America must do, and that is live within its means and balance its budget. I will again ask Congress to submit a balanced budget amendment to the States.

See? Not political at all. Also, Saint Reagan would certainly never have proposed the sort of America-destroying policies that Obama has, like when Reagan said, in the 1984 debates,

“I believe in the idea of amnesty for those who have put down roots and who have lived here, even though some time back they may have entered illegally.”

Oh, and we all know how America was utterly destroyed after the 1986 passage of the Simpson-Mazzoli Immigration Reform and Control Act, except for the part where America is still not destroyed and the people granted amnesty in 1986 became homeowners, small-business entrepreneurs, college graduates, and taxpayers.

Tragic, really.

Extra Special Social Science Bonus Feature for Nerds: A 2011 Harvard Kennedy School paper, “Shaping the Nation: The Effect of Fourth of July on Political Preferences and Behavior in the United States.” Haven’t read beyond the abstract, but it sure looks thinky!

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  • Remember back when America was great? When exactly was that date again?

    • MrFizzy

      Early 1940s.

    • thatsitfortheother1


    • Pragmatist2

      August 9, 1974 – the day Nixon resigned.

    • When did the South secede, again?

      • thatsitfortheother1

        November, 2008?

        • I meant the first time.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Me too. Second time was 21 January 2009.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Every day up until October 12, 1492.

      • Oblios_Cap

        The Day the Music Died?

        • Smothered with a blanket coated with smallpox.

    • August 13th, 1957 (void if Black, Jewish, Latino, Female,Gay or Asian) for one….

    • An_Outhouse

      January 20, 2009

    • BerkeleyBear

      Before that fuckface Columbus "found" Hispaniola and started calling everyone Indians, maybe?

  • ChernobylSoup

    But if all the third worlders move here, who's going to make our fireworks?

    • Nothingisamiss

      Soon we can all be third worlders! Freedom!

      • Oblios_Cap

        I think that we already are.

    • Oh come on! People with meth labs already have most of the equipment AND have experience blowing up their trailers!

    • No prob finding fireworks wage slaves in the Right to Work states. No health care coverage expenses, and newly missing teeth go unnoticed. The only effort required is to redesignate products, like from "Chrysanthemum Glory Fountain" to "Burning Cross Yee-Haw."

      • BerkeleyBear

        I'm really starting to fear a return to the "freedom of contract" era – where the Supreme Court could argue, with a straight face, that it was a worker's own damn fault for having to take a job where there was a good chance something heavy would fall on their skulls.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Shapiro's next article notes that Obama uses too much toilet paper when he takes a crap. "Obama is more interested in wiping up his own excess messes than wiping out the debt."

  • AlterNewt

    What has gotten into the heads of these huddled masses to make them think that they would be welcome here?

    • I know! You'd think there was a big statue welcoming them or something.

      • Oblios_Cap

        And maybe a poem.

  • So it's not politicizing immigration to, say, pass laws that basically put brown skinned people into the position of carrying a fucking ID everywhere, but it's politicizing immigration to, um, mention that a different law allows people a leg up in getting citizenship, at a traditional ceremony where immigration is front and center?

    Isn't this the opposite of th War On Christmas, where it's not politicizing Christmas to talk about Christmas as frequently as Christmasy possible during the Christmasy Christmas season? Christmas?

    • Biff

      A squirmish, as it were.

  • fartknocker

    Meh. Brietbart may be dead but his minions are alive and well at their computer keyboards. According to ABC, it sounds like the President and First Lady were entertaining U.S. troops and their families. These goat fucks attempt to polarize the wingnuts because they had a BBQ meal, face painting for the kids, and an outdoor concert with a C&W singer.

    GWB2 would have been in Crawford cutting brush.

    • The brush would have been painted red, white, and blue.

      But nooooooooooooooooooooo, Obama has to celebrate his with PAISLEY!

    • BerkeleyBear

      New citizens from the military – you know, the uber patriots that even Mitt says should get "green cards" and maybe a shot at citizenship for risking their lives.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Please, immigrants, reconsider that trip to Amercia – the only jobs here are for operating Mitt's car elevator and oiling his robot joints.

    • My balls need washing, too.

      • MrFizzy

        I saw that on Yahoo.

  • Baconzgood

    Leave it up to Obama to politicize somthing as apolitical thing like the signing of the declaration of independence

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Soon he'll be politicizing the whole friggin election…

      • Bastard. He''ll politicize the campaign won't he, the little shit?

        • thatsitfortheother1

          You ain't politicized nuthin till you've politicized politics.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            So meta.

          • Well, what's a meta for if not for posting here.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            That was like, completely homo.

  • Simpson-Mazzoli Immigration Reform and Control Act

    Also, margarine. Too.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Hydrogenated corn oil libel!

  • MrFizzy

    The nation will be perfected only when we are all wearing sheets and pointy hats, driving a convoy of '82 Cutlasses to the Dairy Queen.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      So, minus the Cutlasses, we're basically there?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Minus the cutlasses, you're walking.

        • If you drive an 82 Cutlass, you're walking already.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            True that. I was amazed at getting 300k and ten years out of my Sentra.

    • Quayle2012_KNOT

      A '72 would be sweet!

  • Estproph

    "Or, we could just allow America to celebrate these immigrants who wanted to serve their country in the most courageous possible way, rather than turning their citizenship ceremony into a political talking point. "

    This coming from a bunch who take every single opportunity they possibly can to attack Obama, including exchanges like "Good Morning? What's good about it when Obama is president?!" and "Yeah, sure, the weather is nice – if you're OBAMA and get to spend the day in an air-conditioned airplane flying around on MY dime!"

    • MrFizzy

      Courtesy of karl rove and fox, the whole conservative element in this country now seems to think that this kind of behavior is perfectly acceptable, i.e. constantly fabricating nonsense with the sole purpose of damaging someone else (calumny, it's called I believe). It's shameful, but unfortunately people like rove seem to think that because they're in the political realm, rules of ethics and decency have no meaning. Sounds a little like wall street, eh?

  • fawkedifiknow

    As we all remember from our third-rate public school educations, Independence Day commemorates the first block-buster summer clearance sales at the local furniture warehouse outlet stores, not a bunch of politicians signing some musty old parchmenty thingy declaring some obscure claims to "universal rights, etc." No sir, nothing political about that.

  • SoBeach

    Any one of us could have cranked out that Shapiro piece in 5 minutes yesterday, between our 8th and 9th beer, and no one would know the difference. The outrage is that predictable and asinine.

    • They're ain't enough beer in the world to make me that stoopit.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Try Eastern European Pivo. It's somewhat fortified. About 12% vitamin A.

        • It gots 'lectrolytes?

          • thatsitfortheother1


      • SoBeach

        You wouldn't have to believe it, just chug down the right wing verbal brew, wait half an hour, unzip, and let fly on the fans.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Throw in some 4-acetoxy-dipt and I'm sure you could manage.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I believe you have captured the essence of my own writing process.

  • comrad_darkness

    Oh God, I think I just had a Trekigasm.

    • Ee'd plebnista norkohn forkohn perfectunun, baby!

    • FraAnima

      Best episode EVAH!

    • Guppy

      I'm just happy I'm not the only one that recognized it…

    • I'm so mad at myself for instantly recognizing that.
      Damn you, Mr. Fatale!

      (Now all we need is Spock and the Horta. "The pain, the pain!")

      • Doktor Zoom


        (Even better? There's a ST-themed punk band by that name…)

    • superdave

      I kinda thought that what it was, but I wasn't sure. And I didn't want to expose my lame geek-cred by asking.

  • EIther Obamer is the most political preznit ever or US Amercia's contarded racists are a bunch of rageoholic assholes whose every shit is an angry, aneurysm inducing one.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      I'm hoping for #2. The aneurysm-inducing variety.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Or, we could just allow America to celebrate these immigrants who wanted to serve their country in the most courageous possible way, rather than turning their citizenship ceremony into a political talking point.

    Because nothing destroys democracy like discussing politics. Commie bastards!

  • Goonemeritus

    In a few months when Mitt loses epically to Obama and Congress swings Democratic we will look back on this and laugh. When that day comes I look forward to an extended period of un-sportsman like gloating.

    • An_Outhouse

      Last week was a nice warm up.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      You are far more optimistic than I am. Oh, I'm pretty confident that O will win and all, but based on the ramping up of bat-shittery, I plan on being in the crawl-space under my house with a shotgun and a crate of whisky.

    • I'm a bit more worried than you are. Infinity money coupled with an unrestrained willingness to lie is a powerful mojo.

    • Jadetiger79

      From your keyboard to FSMs ears. Please let this be the case.

  • arihaya

    This immigration thingy reminds me to Malcolm X.

    We didn't land on Plymouth Rock – that rock landed on us.

  • Not_So_Much

    I assume this Shapiro is the same fucking asshole fuckwad that was lighting off illegal firework ordinance in my neighborhood until two this a.m.? For 'Murka and crying eagle jeebus?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I guess all the usual fireworks clowns in my neighborhood had to work this morning, because they were done with that shit by about 10 or 1015 last night.

  • chascates

    At least he didn't defile our Nation's birthday by playing golf.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, those guys really fucking hate Obama.

  • mavenmaven

    History, shmistory, the black man doesn't know his place.

  • An_Outhouse

    I remember when July 4th celebrated Independence Day. Now its all 'remember the troops', 'protect my freedumz', and 'suck on this big missile, you raghead', etc. This is what happens when you spent the bicentennial year celebration on Prince Edward's Island in Canuckistan.

  • didgen

    What will it take for that ni….ce man in the White House to realize that his job on the Fourth of July is to shut up and hand out matches and mint juleps to his betters. Bless their little hearts.

  • sullivanst

    Because what could possibly be less political than the Declaration of Independence?

  • a_pink_poodle

    Hey you used my Saint Reagan reference wooo! At least I think it's my reference unless it's like that time in middle school when I thought that I invented sarcasm.

  • OzoneTom

    Why was he making this speech in France?

  • poorgradstudent

    When will NOBAMMERS stop politicizing the office of President?

  • tessiee

    "What if that POTUS is himself maybe an illegal alien"

    What a stupid Independence Day hypothesis. President Obama is NOT an illegal alien, DUH! He is OBVIOUSLY Will Smith. You can tell by looking at the ears.

  • tessiee

    “Even on July 4, President Obama can’t stop campaigning.”

    Sometimes I wonder why I still bother with Facebook. My friends and family are OK, but the trolls find their way into everything. I'm reading an article about how President Obama is not taking a vacation this summer…
    NOT taking a vacation…
    Not taking 200 vacation days a year like Dumbass.
    Not taking any vacation at all.
    The first or second comment was something to the effect of, "I'll bet the wingnuts find someway to rag on this, too."
    About two comments later, some no-life-having jerkass commented, "Funny how he skips vacation in an election year."
    So, if the President takes a vacation day, ever, he's a lazy bum wasting our tax dollars instead of doing his job; and if he doesn't take a vacation day, ever, it's a cynical ploy to grab votes.

    • poorgradstudent

      I still remember some conservative on the Interwebs defending Bush's vacation record, making the (admittedly somewhat valid) point that in an era of digital communication it didn't matter that much if the President was physically in the White House or not.

      Of course now that we've got a Democrat in the White House this no longer applies apparently.

  • SmutBoffin

    Hey, Doc Z, the nerd link at the bottom is bad. Fix plz.

    (I was only going to read the abstract, honest! And maybe the conclusions. Anyway.)

  • Also, too, being black on the fourth of July, is really over-the-top race-baiting.

  • ghblowhard

    Remember when dubya was on vacation but he cut it short to fly up to DC to save Terri Schiavo? Now THAT's how preznits should handle vacations during election years!–become a super hero!

  • Your think link is on the blink, Dok.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Fixed! (A whole day later)

  • i spent a goodly portion of the day listening to bob diamond getting grilled by MPs.

    that was celebratory in a way.

  • ttommyunger

    Nobammer is SOOOOO uppitty!

  • jtgillick

    excuse me – what you are referring to in your secondparagraph is, in correct Icthyology terms, the infamous "FREEDOM-EATING Indonesion-MARXIST flying KENYAFISH fish."

    Please pay more attention next time, fact-checkers.

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