veepstakes

Sure, Yeah, Michele Bachmann Will Be Romney’s Vice President, Why Not

Could it be true, Wonkers? A Christmas Miracle in July? Could Michele Bachmann end up being His Lord High Hairgel Mitt Romney’s pick for vice president?

Yeah, probably not, because our Mittens is many (many) things, but a stone cold idiot is not one of them? It’s cute though that he probably asked her for her tax returns and stuff, you know, made her feel special, greased her a little, it’s better to have a Michele Bachmann inside the tent shining her crazy eyes out than the terrifying opposite.

But let’s say some witchy cabal of Wonkerati managed to hex Ol’ Willard into choosing Ms. B. (And let us say for the sake of this exercise, that the Rom-mann dream team then won the election.) What would Vice President Bachmann’s portfolio be?

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[RawStory]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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159 comments

  1. nounverb911

    Can we get 1L and the robot matching "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts to wear on their campaign?

  2. deleted5554996

    "I'm looking forward for the country to turn around and the economy to improve."

    And yet, she's done nothing to help this process.

      1. Barb

        Terry, do you get the sense that the "party of NO" is going to try to flip back to YES as the election draws closer?

        1. Terry

          I do.

          They're scrambling to make it seem like they have seeekrit plans in their back pockets that will solve all problems but mean old muslin socialist NObama hasn't let them put those plans into effect.

          1. Barb

            Terry, why does everyone keep mentioning Obama's college transcripts? I just read some blurb about this and I am confused as to what the conspiracy theorists are looking for here. Do you know?

          2. Fare la Volpe

            They're trying to prove he applied to college as foreign student.

            Besides, everyone knows black people never go to school! This is the smoking gun they're looking for.

          3. Terry

            My impression, and anyone feel free to jump in here, is that it's a two part conspiracy.

            1. He supposedly was a bad student, but then managed to get into Columbia and Harvard. Obviously, the super seeekrit cabal was pulling strings to get him positioned for the Presidency and thus the muslin socialist etc takeover.

            2. He's just not as smart as the Liberals want to make him out to be. If they can show he got a C in calculus in sophomore year, that will show the Liberals how very, very wrong they are.

            Sometimes, you see the tin foil hat brigade looking for gaps in his timeline, as well. If some time isn't accounted for in college, he must have snuck away for indoctrination and the like.

            Not saying it makes sense, but how often do conspiracy theory folks do?

          4. chicken_thief

            "super seeekrit cabal" = Bill Ayers and the certainly resurgent Weather Underground, along with George Soros, from what I can recall from conversations with my Teabagger friends when they bother with specifics at all. Usually they just go with "you know" and all their like minded friends nod.

          5. Devilette

            Birthers think he applied as a foreign student, so they want all the college paperwork.

          6. Tundra Grifter

            There's a right wing nut on Amazon who keeps bringing up that urban legend about Mr. Obama attending Occidential College.

            Turns out it was an April Fool's prank.

    1. SenileAgitation

      That would involve showing up and voting and things that distract from going around making crazy talk.

    2. widestanceromance

      Her use of the word, 'forward' is reason enough to disqualify her, because you know who else uses 'forward' in their campaign?

    3. YasserArraFeck

      Marcus will already turn around at the drop of a hat – only ~300 million to go

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I'm fairly sure that Marcus showed her the finer nuances of pearl necklaces.

        1. widestanceromance

          I'm thinking massive wretching, gagging spitter, with so much disdain, if the recipient did not regret the experience enough beforehand, they just might never, ever want another bj for the rest of their lives.

    2. SexySmurf

      Please, it's too early to talk about Michele getting a pearl necklace. If it was 11 o'clock at night, it would still be too early to talk about it.

  3. randcoolcatdaddy

    "It’s cute though that he probably asked her for her tax returns and stuff, you know, made her feel special, greased her a little …."

    Eghads … please stop with the metaphors right there….

  4. Tyrannically_Joe

    Yeah, probably not, because our Mittens is many (many) things, but a stone cold idiot is not one of them?

    Umm, Becca? 2008 and John McCain are holding for a conference call, line 2?

  5. Billmatic

    Sorry lady, Dwight Howard has a better chance of being traded to the Romney Campaign for two Romneys to be named later.

  6. kissawookiee

    Would we or would we not be allowed to comment on the new Department of Slut Vaccines Causing Mental Retardation?

  7. Tyrannically_Joe

    Well, I'll say this: Bachmann is womanish, which is all Republicans think they need to win the war thereupon. And she's certainly not as boring as Mitt. The only problem is that they both have the same, glassy, lifeless eyes, which reminds you of upon which side of the Uncanny Valley they both presently reside.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Well, if being womanish is all that's required, they should just pick Palin again. The results probably won't be much worse this time around, if they do.

      1. tessiee

        That fits right in with their usual tactic of doing FAIL over and over again (see also Corporations, deregulation of; and Rich, tax cuts for).

    1. Isyaignert

      Good morning wejee!

      Frankly, I would love to see Rmoney and Bachmann on sodium pentathol (truth serum) whilst being grilled by Rachel Maddow – now that would be both educational and entertaining.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    “One thing I know about Mitt Romney, he’s made excellent decisions in the past when it comes to running organizations and I have no doubt, whoever it is, that he chooses, to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moments notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House,” she told CNN’s Piers Morgan.

    What is "a 55-gallon drum of high octane bullshit," Alex?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      [currently thinking about how to outsource the position of vice president to subcontractors in China.]

  9. UW8316154

    Marcus is prolly drooling at the opportunity to get together with Anderson Cooper to pray away some ghey.

    1. HarryButtle

      C'mon…Just look at Anderson. Anderson fucks GQ models. Anderson wouldn't fuck Marcus with Michele's dick.

  10. Baconzgood

    OH GOD PLEEEEEEAAAAAASE HAVE HIM PICK HER! I'LL NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING TO SNARK AGAIN!

  11. bureaucrap

    As with John McCain before him, Romney will be looking for someone who has even less charisma than himself (McCain obviously made the wrong choice in 2008). Michele Bachmann is all about attention-whoredom, so she is NOT in the running. My bet: Mitch "Turtle" McConnell.

  12. UW8316154

    Yes, of course, because her own failed presidential campaign shows just how much America is clamoring for her leadership.

  13. spends2much

    Marcus could at least help Ann Romneybot buy fewer clothes emblazoned with giant birds biting at her nips…

    Can't you just see the two of them, arm in arm, Ann in a Nancy Reaganesque red suit, and Marcus in something pale blue, to show off his mane, waving at the crowds? I'm swooning!

  14. Guppy

    witchy cabal of Wonkerati

    There are no witches on Wonkett; we all masturbate too much to be witches.

  15. Goonemeritus

    This would be a real game changer for Mitt. His campaign would go from playing the equivalent of Bridge to playing something closer Russian Roulette.

  16. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm torn. I would really like to snark on her until November as well as watch the trainwreck that will make Palin look halfway normal. But on the other hand, I don't think I can look at those crazy eyes for that long. I can actually see the cartoon spirals going round and round in her eyeballs, trying to hypnotize me into believing her insanity.

    1. GeneralLerong

      You're right! Bachmann is Hypno Toad! Why didn't I see it sooner?

      Ohhhhhh…..zzzzzzzz…all hail Hypno toad…..

    2. Isyaignert

      Good morning BSFD!

      Bachmann's eyes remind me of those X-ray specs you could buy on the back of an Archie comic book back in the '60s.

    1. tessiee

      She has to keep chasing Chris Christie away, because he thinks they're candy beads.

  17. prommie

    This makes me feel all just like black doom is upon us. When the obviously insane are elevated to reponsible positions and their rantings taken seriously, this is very sad-making. I don't want this. Darryl Issa, too, a murdering con-man arsonist, and that fucking walking prick with the narcissistic personality disorder, Paul Ryan. We're so fucked.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? This is the greatest fucking thing ever. I mean COME ON this IS supposed to be a representative government – what else could you expect from the party that has summarily convinced their electorate that health care is bad for them? I would love nothing more than to have this bitch up Mitt's ass all fall. He would be so fucked, it would make John McCain look wise in his decision – it would be so beautiful. I am ready to just go full moron outloud, W really wore me down for more than I ever knew I could handle.

      1. prommie

        It would be great, it would be funny, but its still depressing. I wish I didn't have to take comfort in the absurdity of my government.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Look, it ain't OUR fault that the US population has reached such epic proportions that there are in fact enough fucking idiot lunatics around to have their own political party. I say, just be grateful we can identify them, keep them all in one group and hopefully, eventually, well, I don't know – they'll all shoot each other, have no health care, eat poisoned food and water and evolve right on out. Don't tell ME I can't dream big. This can't all be for nothing.

          1. tessiee

            "hopefully, eventually, well, I don't know – they'll all shoot each other, have no health care, eat poisoned food and water and evolve right on out."

            Given the sibling incest, fast food, and many loaded guns that they all keep on hand, it's almost an inevitability that they're eliminated from the gene pool. That'll teach 'em not to believe in Darwin!

    2. weejee

      I'm hoping the Intertubes, which can allow an almost self-referential sense of broad support, will amp up their craziness and the Rethugs will become 21st Century No Nothings in 22nd Century history books (or whatever they'll be then).

      1. Isyaignert

        I'm rooting for the 'cons to go the way of the Whigs.

        BTW – I forgot to ask the Wonketeers at Saturday's event if everyone knows about Seattle's progressive talk radio station AM1090? It is excellent, intelligent, sanity-saving programming that's actually based on FACTS and not made-up bullchit.

        1. emmelemm

          Is that even possible? :)

          By the way, did you explain your username at the meet-up, and I missed it? Just wondering.

          1. Isyaignert

            Hi!

            I did not get the chance to explain my username, since we had to leave early to go to a party in West Seattle; that would have been a fun thing to learn about everyone.

            Decades ago a friend's boyfriend's mom (who was quite ignorant) used to actually say to them, "Is ya ignert?" To me, it's akin to the 'baggers screaming "Get your gummint hands off of my Medicare."

            Isyaignert is just that sentence run together and it seemed to go with the avatar of the "Get a brain morans" dude like liver and onions.

          2. emmelemm

            Cool. That actually makes sense.

            You probably missed my explanation of my username too – it's kind of a "phonetic" spelling of my initials (MLM) to emm el emm. When you mush them together, they're hard to parse out, but if you know what they are, it makes sense!

            Sort of like Isyaignert.

          3. Isyaignert

            Back to the 'cons going the way of the Whigs – I believe they were headed that direction after GeeDumb's Reign of Terror. Unfortunately, a small group of people who were actively protesting the bailout of Wall St. banks were co-opted by the Koch brothers and their Armey of Dicks, led by Dick Armey and turned them into the 'baggers whose new mission was to hate on the blah guy in the whi hou. They were herded onto busses, given a baloney sandwich and then fed a bunch of bullchit to get them riled up on the way to protest gummint control of Medicare or whatever the fuk their lame@ss signs said. Fortunately, most of these loony rubes are old and nature will deal with them soon enough.

    3. oldedinvn

      Not me. I escaped.
      There seems to be a stupid virus in the states that is out of control.
      We will know that it is finally under control when Wonkette has 5 million subscrberers
      and 20 million views per article.
      Ain't movin back soon.

    4. larrykat

      Ahhh calm down and watch the cool summer TV shows. A couple hours of "American Ninja Warrior" ought to make you feel better about the country.

    5. Negropolis

      They tried this with a former half-term Alaska governor back in 2008. They tried it with a Delaware witch. They tried it with a crazy-ass Buffalo businessman. America is pretty fucking crazy. However, we are not Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann crazy, at least not at the presidential level, and at least not yet, anyway.

  18. SoBeach

    I almost feel bad for Mittens. He can't use a pair of hooters to trump the blah thing any more, thanks to Palin. He'll have to go with a hispanic instead. Rubio, if Rubio agrees.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        She's too old, though. I vote for Salma Hayek instead. Oh, wait? She's not insane and hateful? Probably not Republican material then.

        1. emmelemm

          She is however [married to] an insanely, insanely rich guy. So she'd fit right in with the Mittens crowd.

          However, anyone that makes a movie about a Mexican communist, while wearing a faux uni-brow, is cool in my book.

    1. chicken_thief

      Rubio would outshine Mittens so it's a no go. Plus Marco is all like "let's have a plan for amnesty for illegals" and shit.

  19. not that Radio

    I don't imagine that Mormons and Dominionists would get along very well. Conflicting goals.

    1. emmelemm

      Really? Dominionists want to take over the Earth, Mormons all have their own planets waiting for them. Seems fair to me.

  20. MumbletyRadio

    Bachmann…. Romney's pick for vice president… Yeah, probably not

    I wonder if there's a team of drone hackers over at University of Texas who'd be willing to aid the cause.

  21. mavenmaven

    Hehe, I can see it now, he announces Bachmann and Palin comes running on stage, throws her on the ground and starts pummeling her yelling ME ME ME.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      RIP, Andy. You were a good old fashioned New Deal liberal. Time to put A Face in the Crowd back in the Netflix queue. If Tim Robbins kicks off, I'll add Bob Roberts as the second feature.

        1. scvirginia

          I was looking for that online, but couldn't locate it. Maybe it will show back up now…

    2. tessiee

      Instead of singing "amazing grace", the church choir will sadly whistle the "Mayberry, RFD" theme in half-time.

  22. elburritodeluxe

    I think she would head the new Romney Department of Unicorns!

    Just kidding, God, please don't let me wake up in a world where Michele Bachmann has a position in a Romney cabinet!

  23. Jeri 2.0

    Just thank the deity of your choice that Condimental Rice doesn't seem interested in being number two (she knows it would get her strapped to the top of the bus). She has all the qualifications he needs – she's blah, has those squicky ladyparts, and can say shit like, ""There's no doubt we have benefited really now from 10 years of relative consistency when it comes to the war on terror. President Bush left a lot of tools to President Obama. A military and intelligence integration that has worked exceedingly well as we were able to bring even [Osama] Bin Laden to justice," off the top of her pointy little head. The assholes would win in a landslide.

    1. Isyaignert

      Kindasleezy Rice is the creepiest, most Cruella de Ville-looking person I've ever seen, except for Cruella de Boneyfinger in AZ.

      1. emmelemm

        I really, really hate to use this word, especially since I am not, myself, black, but she always struck me as particularly Uncle (Auntie) Tom like.

        However, I've seen her a couple of times on talk shows, and she seems pretty smart. Which kind of makes it all worse.

        1. tessiee

          They should have a Sunday morning talk show with Condasleezy, Herman Cain, Michael Steele, Alan Keyes, Allen West, and Clarence Thomas. They could call it, "Uncle Tom's Cabinet".

        2. Negropolis

          She's a bit more complicated than that. At least early on, she was generally kind in critiquing then Senator Obama. And, she came out in support of Affirmative Action while still in the Bush administration, which is an issue that even divides a lot of Democrats while being despised by almost all conservatives. At least when it came to social issues that affected the community, she either stood up for them or got out the way. So, I'm not sure if labeling her an Uncle Tom is accurate.

          However, on issues of foreign policy and national security, she was about the most contemptible person in that entire administration.

  24. fartknocker

    She'll make Ted Nugent Secretary of Defense – she's one scary bitch. I'm not a big fan of graduates from Oral Roberts University in any leadership role in the U.S. government.

  25. larrykat

    I'm still salivating over the "greased her a little" line…. greased Michele Bachmann… mmmmmm.

  26. AlaskaGrrl

    Well, since Ms b is a horses ass, and Mittens lovely untouchable wife has horses, perhaps a position in the stables?

  27. VA_Dreaming

    Republicans do like to have a ditsy women on the ticket to prove they aren't sexist and explain why they are at the same time. Palin fit that bill quite well, and Bachmann would as well. And like Dan Quayle she would serve as insurance to Romney – no one would dare to assassinate him with Bachmann as his replacement.

  28. proudgrampa

    I am definitely emigrating if that crazy bitch becomes one heartbeat away from the presidency.

    Holy Crap. Where's my martini?

    1. oldedinvn

      I'll rent you a room real cheap. Booze & living is cheap here. No repugs wanted.

  29. emmelemm

    I reeeallllly miss Sara Benincasa. That is all.

    (Think of the endless Michele videos if she was VP pick!!!)

  30. tessiee

    “One thing I know about Mitt Romney, he’s made excellent decisions in the past when it comes to running organizations and I have no doubt, whoever it is, that he chooses, to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moments notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House,”

    Wait — so is Mitt going to sell Michele or Marcus to China?

  31. glamourdammerung

    I really think Simple Sarah blew it for any Republican "ladies" in the near future.

  32. Preacher_Griz

    Part of me wants to see that HAWT!! chinagirl Michelle Malkin — but the other part of me wants to see the HAWT!!! Conservative Christian Michelle Bachman.

    Either one is totally spankableHAWT!!!

  33. poorgradstudent

    Better the arch-moron we know than a brand new arch-moron found from the middle of nowhere like Sarah Palin.

  34. Kgprophet

    Romney/Bachmann a Dream Ticket!! 3x more wacky than McCain/Palin! Comedy Gold my friend.

  35. Negropolis

    Yeah, probably not, because our Mittens is many (many) things, but a stone cold idiot is not one of them?

    The question mark is what makes a comment like this. This is beautiful, like a flying unicorn following a pot of gold across a vivid rainbow ridden by a perfectly tanned Leprechaun.

Comments are closed.