Could it be true, Wonkers? A Christmas Miracle in July? Could Michele Bachmann end up being His Lord High Hairgel Mitt Romney’s pick for vice president?

Yeah, probably not, because our Mittens is many (many) things, but a stone cold idiot is not one of them? It’s cute though that he probably asked her for her tax returns and stuff, you know, made her feel special, greased her a little, it’s better to have a Michele Bachmann inside the tent shining her crazy eyes out than the terrifying opposite.

But let’s say some witchy cabal of Wonkerati managed to hex Ol’ Willard into choosing Ms. B. (And let us say for the sake of this exercise, that the Rom-mann dream team then won the election.) What would Vice President Bachmann’s portfolio be?

* Head new Task Force on Curing teh Ghey.

* Organize Department of Home Schooling.

* Start up the New Inquisition.


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  • nounverb911

    Can we get 1L and the robot matching "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts to wear on their campaign?

    • I see an Obama stealth campaign ad called "Dumberer and Dumberest"

  • Marcus daydreams about someday becoming the First ViceDudette.

    • Boojum

      Emphasis on "vice".

  • deleted5554996

    "I'm looking forward for the country to turn around and the economy to improve."

    And yet, she's done nothing to help this process.

    • Terry

      In fact, she has very likely impeded it.

      • Barb

        Terry, do you get the sense that the "party of NO" is going to try to flip back to YES as the election draws closer?

        • Terry

          I do.

          They're scrambling to make it seem like they have seeekrit plans in their back pockets that will solve all problems but mean old muslin socialist NObama hasn't let them put those plans into effect.

          • Barb

            Terry, why does everyone keep mentioning Obama's college transcripts? I just read some blurb about this and I am confused as to what the conspiracy theorists are looking for here. Do you know?

          • Fare la Volpe

            They're trying to prove he applied to college as foreign student.

            Besides, everyone knows black people never go to school! This is the smoking gun they're looking for.

          • Terry

            My impression, and anyone feel free to jump in here, is that it's a two part conspiracy.

            1. He supposedly was a bad student, but then managed to get into Columbia and Harvard. Obviously, the super seeekrit cabal was pulling strings to get him positioned for the Presidency and thus the muslin socialist etc takeover.

            2. He's just not as smart as the Liberals want to make him out to be. If they can show he got a C in calculus in sophomore year, that will show the Liberals how very, very wrong they are.

            Sometimes, you see the tin foil hat brigade looking for gaps in his timeline, as well. If some time isn't accounted for in college, he must have snuck away for indoctrination and the like.

            Not saying it makes sense, but how often do conspiracy theory folks do?

          • chicken_thief

            "super seeekrit cabal" = Bill Ayers and the certainly resurgent Weather Underground, along with George Soros, from what I can recall from conversations with my Teabagger friends when they bother with specifics at all. Usually they just go with "you know" and all their like minded friends nod.

          • Devilette

            Birthers think he applied as a foreign student, so they want all the college paperwork.

          • Terry

            How could I forget that one! Good catch.

          • Tundra Grifter

            There's a right wing nut on Amazon who keeps bringing up that urban legend about Mr. Obama attending Occidential College.

            Turns out it was an April Fool's prank.

          • Barb

            Excellent answer, Terry. Thanks for enlightening me.

    • nounverb911

      That would require her to, you know, work.

    • SenileAgitation

      That would involve showing up and voting and things that distract from going around making crazy talk.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        This lunatic not showing up, and not voting, can only help Obama.

    • widestanceromance

      Her use of the word, 'forward' is reason enough to disqualify her, because you know who else uses 'forward' in their campaign?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Heh …. I love the spin it puts on the wingnuts' "take America back" slogan.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Marcus will already turn around at the drop of a hat – only ~300 million to go

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Here she is, showing Marcus how to wear a pearl necklace.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I'm fairly sure that Marcus showed her the finer nuances of pearl necklaces.

      • Marcus looks more like a swallower.

        • widestanceromance

          I'm thinking massive wretching, gagging spitter, with so much disdain, if the recipient did not regret the experience enough beforehand, they just might never, ever want another bj for the rest of their lives.

    • SexySmurf

      Please, it's too early to talk about Michele getting a pearl necklace. If it was 11 o'clock at night, it would still be too early to talk about it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Most importantly, it has to be within clutching distance.

    • DahBoner

      That's Ben Wa anal beads, not pearls…

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "It’s cute though that he probably asked her for her tax returns and stuff, you know, made her feel special, greased her a little …."

    Eghads … please stop with the metaphors right there….

  • Yeah, probably not, because our Mittens is many (many) things, but a stone cold idiot is not one of them?

    Umm, Becca? 2008 and John McCain are holding for a conference call, line 2?

  • Oh Mittens, you should listen to a man who may or may not have committed light treason, George Bluth.


  • Billmatic

    Sorry lady, Dwight Howard has a better chance of being traded to the Romney Campaign for two Romneys to be named later.

  • She'll have to inject Mitt with an HPV Vaccine first.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    I thought Veep was fiction.

  • kissawookiee

    Would we or would we not be allowed to comment on the new Department of Slut Vaccines Causing Mental Retardation?

  • Well, I'll say this: Bachmann is womanish, which is all Republicans think they need to win the war thereupon. And she's certainly not as boring as Mitt. The only problem is that they both have the same, glassy, lifeless eyes, which reminds you of upon which side of the Uncanny Valley they both presently reside.

    • Also a move to stake out the totally psychotic vote.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, if being womanish is all that's required, they should just pick Palin again. The results probably won't be much worse this time around, if they do.

      • tessiee

        That fits right in with their usual tactic of doing FAIL over and over again (see also Corporations, deregulation of; and Rich, tax cuts for).

  • She knows a lot of secret stuff about Pakistan and I think this would be a good thing to help Mitt Romney attack them.

  • UW8316154

    ….Organize Department of Home Scholing.


  • Too early in the year for magic mushrooms, did Mitt'z campaign Doktor feed him some bad meth?

    • smashedinhat


    • Isyaignert

      Good morning wejee!

      Frankly, I would love to see Rmoney and Bachmann on sodium pentathol (truth serum) whilst being grilled by Rachel Maddow – now that would be both educational and entertaining.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “One thing I know about Mitt Romney, he’s made excellent decisions in the past when it comes to running organizations and I have no doubt, whoever it is, that he chooses, to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moments notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House,” she told CNN’s Piers Morgan.

    What is "a 55-gallon drum of high octane bullshit," Alex?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      [currently thinking about how to outsource the position of vice president to subcontractors in China.]

  • UW8316154

    Marcus is prolly drooling at the opportunity to get together with Anderson Cooper to pray away some ghey.

    • HarryButtle

      C'mon…Just look at Anderson. Anderson fucks GQ models. Anderson wouldn't fuck Marcus with Michele's dick.

  • Baconzgood


  • bureaucrap

    As with John McCain before him, Romney will be looking for someone who has even less charisma than himself (McCain obviously made the wrong choice in 2008). Michele Bachmann is all about attention-whoredom, so she is NOT in the running. My bet: Mitch "Turtle" McConnell.

    • chicken_thief

      That's why I'm going with Portman or T-P….zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • SorosBot

    Like Mittens would dirty his hands with girl cooties.

  • Marcus will make a perfect Second Lady…

    • chicken_thief

      And the WH will certainly need a lady's touch after the blah's move out.

  • UW8316154

    Yes, of course, because her own failed presidential campaign shows just how much America is clamoring for her leadership.

  • spends2much

    Marcus could at least help Ann Romneybot buy fewer clothes emblazoned with giant birds biting at her nips…

    Can't you just see the two of them, arm in arm, Ann in a Nancy Reaganesque red suit, and Marcus in something pale blue, to show off his mane, waving at the crowds? I'm swooning!

  • Guppy

    witchy cabal of Wonkerati

    There are no witches on Wonkett; we all masturbate too much to be witches.

    • SorosBot

      Witches & masturbation remind me of the good old days of laughing at Christine O'D.

    • My magic wand is well-polished, Editrix!

  • Goonemeritus

    This would be a real game changer for Mitt. His campaign would go from playing the equivalent of Bridge to playing something closer Russian Roulette.

    • SoBeach

      Big win.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Mitt/Dwyer '12

    • oldedinvn

      With a semi-automatic.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm torn. I would really like to snark on her until November as well as watch the trainwreck that will make Palin look halfway normal. But on the other hand, I don't think I can look at those crazy eyes for that long. I can actually see the cartoon spirals going round and round in her eyeballs, trying to hypnotize me into believing her insanity.

    • GeneralLerong

      You're right! Bachmann is Hypno Toad! Why didn't I see it sooner?

      Ohhhhhh…..zzzzzzzz…all hail Hypno toad…..

      • tessiee

        Cocoa Puffs bird libel!

    • Isyaignert

      Good morning BSFD!

      Bachmann's eyes remind me of those X-ray specs you could buy on the back of an Archie comic book back in the '60s.

  • Baconzgood

    Love that QVC/Home Shopping Network necklace she's got there.

    • widestanceromance

      Betty Trubble is her stage name.

    • tessiee

      She has to keep chasing Chris Christie away, because he thinks they're candy beads.

  • prommie

    This makes me feel all just like black doom is upon us. When the obviously insane are elevated to reponsible positions and their rantings taken seriously, this is very sad-making. I don't want this. Darryl Issa, too, a murdering con-man arsonist, and that fucking walking prick with the narcissistic personality disorder, Paul Ryan. We're so fucked.

    • FakaktaSouth

      WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? This is the greatest fucking thing ever. I mean COME ON this IS supposed to be a representative government – what else could you expect from the party that has summarily convinced their electorate that health care is bad for them? I would love nothing more than to have this bitch up Mitt's ass all fall. He would be so fucked, it would make John McCain look wise in his decision – it would be so beautiful. I am ready to just go full moron outloud, W really wore me down for more than I ever knew I could handle.

      • prommie

        It would be great, it would be funny, but its still depressing. I wish I didn't have to take comfort in the absurdity of my government.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Look, it ain't OUR fault that the US population has reached such epic proportions that there are in fact enough fucking idiot lunatics around to have their own political party. I say, just be grateful we can identify them, keep them all in one group and hopefully, eventually, well, I don't know – they'll all shoot each other, have no health care, eat poisoned food and water and evolve right on out. Don't tell ME I can't dream big. This can't all be for nothing.

          • tessiee

            "hopefully, eventually, well, I don't know – they'll all shoot each other, have no health care, eat poisoned food and water and evolve right on out."

            Given the sibling incest, fast food, and many loaded guns that they all keep on hand, it's almost an inevitability that they're eliminated from the gene pool. That'll teach 'em not to believe in Darwin!

    • I'm hoping the Intertubes, which can allow an almost self-referential sense of broad support, will amp up their craziness and the Rethugs will become 21st Century No Nothings in 22nd Century history books (or whatever they'll be then).

      • Isyaignert

        I'm rooting for the 'cons to go the way of the Whigs.

        BTW – I forgot to ask the Wonketeers at Saturday's event if everyone knows about Seattle's progressive talk radio station AM1090? It is excellent, intelligent, sanity-saving programming that's actually based on FACTS and not made-up bullchit.

        • emmelemm

          Is that even possible? :)

          By the way, did you explain your username at the meet-up, and I missed it? Just wondering.

          • Isyaignert


            I did not get the chance to explain my username, since we had to leave early to go to a party in West Seattle; that would have been a fun thing to learn about everyone.

            Decades ago a friend's boyfriend's mom (who was quite ignorant) used to actually say to them, "Is ya ignert?" To me, it's akin to the 'baggers screaming "Get your gummint hands off of my Medicare."

            Isyaignert is just that sentence run together and it seemed to go with the avatar of the "Get a brain morans" dude like liver and onions.

          • emmelemm

            Cool. That actually makes sense.

            You probably missed my explanation of my username too – it's kind of a "phonetic" spelling of my initials (MLM) to emm el emm. When you mush them together, they're hard to parse out, but if you know what they are, it makes sense!

            Sort of like Isyaignert.

          • Isyaignert

            Back to the 'cons going the way of the Whigs – I believe they were headed that direction after GeeDumb's Reign of Terror. Unfortunately, a small group of people who were actively protesting the bailout of Wall St. banks were co-opted by the Koch brothers and their Armey of Dicks, led by Dick Armey and turned them into the 'baggers whose new mission was to hate on the blah guy in the whi hou. They were herded onto busses, given a baloney sandwich and then fed a bunch of bullchit to get them riled up on the way to protest gummint control of Medicare or whatever the fuk their lame@ss signs said. Fortunately, most of these loony rubes are old and nature will deal with them soon enough.

    • oldedinvn

      Not me. I escaped.
      There seems to be a stupid virus in the states that is out of control.
      We will know that it is finally under control when Wonkette has 5 million subscrberers
      and 20 million views per article.
      Ain't movin back soon.

    • larrykat

      Ahhh calm down and watch the cool summer TV shows. A couple hours of "American Ninja Warrior" ought to make you feel better about the country.

      • tessiee

        "American Ninja Warrior"

        Is that the show with Kathy Griffin and David Caruso?

    • Negropolis

      They tried this with a former half-term Alaska governor back in 2008. They tried it with a Delaware witch. They tried it with a crazy-ass Buffalo businessman. America is pretty fucking crazy. However, we are not Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann crazy, at least not at the presidential level, and at least not yet, anyway.

  • Arken

    Romney/Bachmann 2012 – Both Jesuses Want Us to Win!

  • elburritodeluxe

    Everybody knows that Jesus will be Mitt Romney's Vice President.

    • AlaskaGrrl

      But will it be the "right" Jesus?

  • Sassomatic

    Well, she's ALREADY worth a bucket of warm piss, so that qualifies her.

  • SoBeach

    I almost feel bad for Mittens. He can't use a pair of hooters to trump the blah thing any more, thanks to Palin. He'll have to go with a hispanic instead. Rubio, if Rubio agrees.

    • Who probably has nice hooters.

    • Schmannnity

      This is why Charo would be perfect.

      • Well, she speaks as clearly as oneL

      • Lascauxcaveman

        She's too old, though. I vote for Salma Hayek instead. Oh, wait? She's not insane and hateful? Probably not Republican material then.

        • emmelemm

          She is however [married to] an insanely, insanely rich guy. So she'd fit right in with the Mittens crowd.

          However, anyone that makes a movie about a Mexican communist, while wearing a faux uni-brow, is cool in my book.

    • chicken_thief

      Rubio would outshine Mittens so it's a no go. Plus Marco is all like "let's have a plan for amnesty for illegals" and shit.

    • MosesInvests

      But I thought Mittens was a Messican anchor babby?

  • What would Vice President Bachmann’s portfolio be?

    In charge of Idiocracy.

    Perhaps that should be spelled "Idiocrazy"…

  • not that Radio

    I don't imagine that Mormons and Dominionists would get along very well. Conflicting goals.

    • emmelemm

      Really? Dominionists want to take over the Earth, Mormons all have their own planets waiting for them. Seems fair to me.

      • not that Radio

        Great. Consider her vetted, then.

        • emmelemm


  • Bachmann…. Romney's pick for vice president… Yeah, probably not

    I wonder if there's a team of drone hackers over at University of Texas who'd be willing to aid the cause.

  • oldedinvn

    Screw you wonker for giving me almost my first wet dream in 25 years .

  • BZ1

    Please, please, please, make this be true!!

  • docterry6973

    God does not hate Mitt Romney that much, though perhaps He should.

  • mavenmaven

    Hehe, I can see it now, he announces Bachmann and Palin comes running on stage, throws her on the ground and starts pummeling her yelling ME ME ME.

    • tessiee

      For the awesomeness of your comment, I must kiss you on the lips.

  • scvirginia

    OT: Did y'all see that Andy Griffith died?

    • Generation[redacted]


    • Isyaignert

      That is so sad. I was a member of "The Andy Griffith Show Rerun Watchers Club" for a couple of years. It's a real thing – Good times!!

    • Nostrildamus

      Finally, Barney Fife will have his day!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      RIP, Andy. You were a good old fashioned New Deal liberal. Time to put A Face in the Crowd back in the Netflix queue. If Tim Robbins kicks off, I'll add Bob Roberts as the second feature.

      • finallyhappy

        yes, he and Opie/ron did a youtube commercial for Obama in 2008

        • scvirginia

          I was looking for that online, but couldn't locate it. Maybe it will show back up now…

    • tessiee

      Instead of singing "amazing grace", the church choir will sadly whistle the "Mayberry, RFD" theme in half-time.

  • Department of Homeland Stupidity?

  • elburritodeluxe

    I think she would head the new Romney Department of Unicorns!

    Just kidding, God, please don't let me wake up in a world where Michele Bachmann has a position in a Romney cabinet!

    • chicken_thief

      A position that garnered her a second pearl necklace.

    • I am sure that Ms. Bachmann only has one position, the missionary.

    • tessiee

      Or where there is such a thing as a Romney cabinet.

  • Estproph

    Romney/Bachmann 2012 – Because we keep missing the Apocalypse, damn it!

  • Just thank the deity of your choice that Condimental Rice doesn't seem interested in being number two (she knows it would get her strapped to the top of the bus). She has all the qualifications he needs – she's blah, has those squicky ladyparts, and can say shit like, ""There's no doubt we have benefited really now from 10 years of relative consistency when it comes to the war on terror. President Bush left a lot of tools to President Obama. A military and intelligence integration that has worked exceedingly well as we were able to bring even [Osama] Bin Laden to justice," off the top of her pointy little head. The assholes would win in a landslide.

    • Isyaignert

      Kindasleezy Rice is the creepiest, most Cruella de Ville-looking person I've ever seen, except for Cruella de Boneyfinger in AZ.

      • emmelemm

        I really, really hate to use this word, especially since I am not, myself, black, but she always struck me as particularly Uncle (Auntie) Tom like.

        However, I've seen her a couple of times on talk shows, and she seems pretty smart. Which kind of makes it all worse.

        • tessiee

          They should have a Sunday morning talk show with Condasleezy, Herman Cain, Michael Steele, Alan Keyes, Allen West, and Clarence Thomas. They could call it, "Uncle Tom's Cabinet".

          • emmelemm

            That's… pretty good.

        • Negropolis

          She's a bit more complicated than that. At least early on, she was generally kind in critiquing then Senator Obama. And, she came out in support of Affirmative Action while still in the Bush administration, which is an issue that even divides a lot of Democrats while being despised by almost all conservatives. At least when it came to social issues that affected the community, she either stood up for them or got out the way. So, I'm not sure if labeling her an Uncle Tom is accurate.

          However, on issues of foreign policy and national security, she was about the most contemptible person in that entire administration.

          • emmelemm

            Actually good information. Thanks!

  • Ryy

    Please God, please.

  • fartknocker

    She'll make Ted Nugent Secretary of Defense – she's one scary bitch. I'm not a big fan of graduates from Oral Roberts University in any leadership role in the U.S. government.

    • oldedinvn

      Heh, heh you said oral.

    • tessiee

      "graduates from Oral Roberts University"

      I thought that was Marcus.

    • tessiee

      Oral Roberts has a brother, you know…

  • larrykat

    I'm still salivating over the "greased her a little" line…. greased Michele Bachmann… mmmmmm.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Great, Dan Quayle plus crazy. Assassination insurance to the max!

  • MozakiBlocks

    Well Mittens gonna go out, go out in a blaze of glory.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Well, since Ms b is a horses ass, and Mittens lovely untouchable wife has horses, perhaps a position in the stables?

  • Republicans do like to have a ditsy women on the ticket to prove they aren't sexist and explain why they are at the same time. Palin fit that bill quite well, and Bachmann would as well. And like Dan Quayle she would serve as insurance to Romney – no one would dare to assassinate him with Bachmann as his replacement.

  • proudgrampa

    I am definitely emigrating if that crazy bitch becomes one heartbeat away from the presidency.

    Holy Crap. Where's my martini?

    • oldedinvn

      I'll rent you a room real cheap. Booze & living is cheap here. No repugs wanted.

      • proudgrampa

        OOOH. Sounds good! Seriously. You are in Ha Noi? What's it like?

  • Troglodeity

    That massive pearl necklace is WAY overcompensating.

  • If Ms. Bachmann truly wants to help the country to turn around and progress she can do her part by resigning!

  • emmelemm

    I reeeallllly miss Sara Benincasa. That is all.

    (Think of the endless Michele videos if she was VP pick!!!)

  • tessiee

    “One thing I know about Mitt Romney, he’s made excellent decisions in the past when it comes to running organizations and I have no doubt, whoever it is, that he chooses, to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moments notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House,”

    Wait — so is Mitt going to sell Michele or Marcus to China?

  • Most interesting thing from Bachmann's tax returns: Marcus writing off $4,000 of Astroglide as a business expense.

  • rickmaci

    Oh pleeeeez God, if only that could be true. From your keyboard to God's iPad?

  • glamourdammerung

    I really think Simple Sarah blew it for any Republican "ladies" in the near future.

  • sayprettyplease

    Mittens and Michelle sitting in a tree K I S S I N G

  • Part of me wants to see that HAWT!! chinagirl Michelle Malkin — but the other part of me wants to see the HAWT!!! Conservative Christian Michelle Bachman.

    Either one is totally spankableHAWT!!!

  • poorgradstudent

    Better the arch-moron we know than a brand new arch-moron found from the middle of nowhere like Sarah Palin.

    • emmelemm


  • Kgprophet

    Romney/Bachmann a Dream Ticket!! 3x more wacky than McCain/Palin! Comedy Gold my friend.

  • Cato56

    Her husband could vet all the GOP legislators' male pages.

  • Negropolis

    Yeah, probably not, because our Mittens is many (many) things, but a stone cold idiot is not one of them?

    The question mark is what makes a comment like this. This is beautiful, like a flying unicorn following a pot of gold across a vivid rainbow ridden by a perfectly tanned Leprechaun.

  • Negropolis

    Secretary of Duh Fence?

    Ministry of Madness?

  • sayprettyplease


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