jack the ripper and me

Florida Congressman Allen West Pens Platonic Ideal Of Newspaper Letter-To-Editor

I see red peopleFlorida Congressman, professional Commie-spotter, and dude who tortured a dude and is-not-sorry-about-it-no-sir Allen West will be the first to tell you (and tell you, and tell you again) that he does not do NUANCE, on a battlefield NUANCE will get an IED up your ASS. So what is the best venue for expression for a man who cannot speak or think in any way that is not rigid, ideological, robotic, and totally blasting past any inconvenient truths?

A newspaper letter to the editor, of course! The time-honored route for all old cranks to marshal their thoughts into a streamlined 4,000 words written in their crabbed handwriting on both sides of the page in a six-point font. The favored medium of paranoid schizophrenics, bald racists, and people mewling on about kids these days. The perfect home for the threats and confessions of the Unabomer, the Zodiac Killer, Jack the Ripper, and Florida Rep. Allen West.

First Mssr West insults his hosts.

Given that the Palm Beach Post has refused to publish several of my recent opeds, I was somewhat surprised to be offered a chance to respond to their recent editorial echoing my primary opponent’s calls for a debate.

Then he insults his opponent.

Instead of demanding a debate, my primary opponent would be better served by studying up on the issues and getting in touch with people he wants to represent.

Then he explains why he is too good to debate his opponent.

If voters are to gain anything from debates, both candidates must be willing and most importantly, capable of putting forth substantive proposals and honestly and truthfully answering questions. Unfortunately for voters, Bob Crowder has shown no ability to do either.

As such, I refuse to waste the voters’ time by dignifying Crowder’s cynical political maneuvering.

Then he insults his hosts again.

On the subject of intelligent discourse, I would also like to address my decision to decline the recent invitation to meet with the Palm Beach Post editorial board. I declined the invitation because I do not answer to self-appointed elitists so blinded by ideology they are incapable of an intellectually honest discussion.

Then he pulls a Palin and says any questions he does not like or does not know the answer to are “gotcha” questions, as is quoting his words.

Furthermore, I am not going to provide an opportunity to play “gotcha” games where they misconstrue my words to advance their own political agenda.

Here is the grandiose part, where he gets grandiose!

Let me be clear. I am not a career politician. I did not learn to communicate in a city council chamber, or on the floor of the state house, or with the help of political consultants or masters of “spin.”

And here is the part where he talks about “nuance,” AGAIN.

I learned to communicate on the battlefield, where “nuance” is not at all useful and can be dangerous, if not fatal. I learned that honor, integrity and character are the most important qualities any man can possess, and I believe a man must stand for something, or he will fall for anything.

And, here’s the last graf, where he insults his opponent (again) and his hosts (again).

The people of South Florida elected me to represent them on Capitol Hill to put in place the right fiscal and regulatory polices to increase jobs and boost the economy. I will not waste my time and theirs with career politicians who seek office only to feed their egos. Or with panels of self-appointed elites who pontificate about what they believe is best for their readers and the millions of individuals who make our nation so great — yet about whom they truly know so little.

Ask any newspaper editor: Allen West is a true Jedi of the form. [PalmBeachPost]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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133 comments

    1. weejee

      Barb a big hug for you, Mina, and your whole family. I missed your Sunday post while helping move #4 son & his family. Fortunately Mrs. weejee is a speed reader and she brought me up to speed last night. Also a big hug for the baby donor and her family.

      1. Barb

        Morning and hugs back. The hospital will move Mina next week and Christine will get to hold her for the first time, yay!
        She's getting bigger already; http://yfrog.com/nqowj

        Did you help to move your son locally or to another town?

          1. MosesInvests

            Holiday plans? Not sure-might do a cookout with the kids, although it's difficult when you have a 7-year-old vegetarian to contend with. Gonna find a place to watch fireworks tomorrow night. You?

          2. natoslug

            Go with meatloaf, loaded with veggies. The vegetarian can complain while picking out the pieces of meat, and the rest can complain while picking out the pieces of veggies. Yes, I successfully made EVERYONE at the table unhappy last night. And that was before I started blaming the cat for my gas.

          3. tessiee

            "The vegetarian can complain while picking out the pieces of meat, and the rest can complain while picking out the pieces of veggies."

            An everything pizza does that, too.

          4. natoslug

            As a complete bastard, I prefer the meatloaf approach. Pizza makes it too easy to separate out the undesirables. Unless, of course, you're discussing pizza smoothies.

        1. weejee

          Depends on your definition of locally ;=)

          Ryan works with me, and our office is in the heart of Seattle. He's moved to what is really an exurb Snoqualmie home of a beautiful falls. They could get more bang for their buck out there in the toolie berries. His wife teaches in a town that's not too far in from there. I like my two block commute, and would not their 60 mile round trip for him to work and for her chemo every two weeks. That said, I'm and olde an they're not.

          1. weejee

            Here in just a few weeks she comes-up to a year on chemo. Absent major treatment breakthrough, she'll likely be on for the rest of her life. That said, in her last CAT scan her tumors are less than half the size they were a year ago and she taught the whole school term. Her fellow teachers, and this includes those throughout the school district, have donated her sick/personal leave days, so when she misses Thursday & Friday every two weeks it has been covered. Like your donor's family, beyond those we snark about, there are some truly amazing and loving people out there.

        2. nounverb911

          Barb, I'm in shock. I didn't even turn on my computer Sunday. Mina's gorgeous, hope everything goes well for her and your family.

        3. Callyson

          Hi Barb, thanks for the update. Glad to hear the good news.

          Also, that photo…AWWWWWWWWWWWWW…

  1. SorosBot

    "The favored medium of paranoid schizophrenics, bald racists, and people mewling on about kids these days"

    Now, now; most of them have apparently had their kids teach them to get onto the internet (that they probably still refer to as the AOL), though they haven't gone far, since they now are the vast majority of people in the newspaper comment sections.

  2. veritass

    My favorite Conservative Thing is when you pretend that you love and respect all of your super valuable constituents, except for the other ones.

  3. SorosBot

    Wait, if his opponent is incapable of "putting forth substantive proposals and honestly and truthfully answering questions," shouldn't West want to debate, to prove he is the idiot that he claims?

    1. VA_Dreaming

      But West is incapable of "putting forth substantive proposals and honestly and truthfully answering questions," and a debate would just highlight that fact.

  4. Limeylizzie

    My late father, a strange and very witty person albeit somewhat of a racist, used to pen letters to the Times on a weekly basis for years ,concerning the influx of Jamaicans and others of a darker hue than he, and only got one published and it dealt with how to fix hundred year-old sash windows by using a wooden clothes peg.

    1. Terry

      I bet you that someone on the editorial board of the paper had been trying to figure out how to fix an old window in his or her house. Very practical solution.

  5. bureaucrap

    "You're trying to trick me into sabotaging myself by allowing me to open my mouth. Well, I'm not that dumb!"

    1. tessiee

      Hawkeye Pierce: We were trying to make you look foolish, Frank.
      Frank Burns [indignantly]: Well, I don't need your help!

  6. MumbletyRadio

    Why doesn't he ditch Platonic and go full Newtonian, and intone that nothing he's been quoted as saying was meant to be misquoted, and if you're quoting him verbatim it's a lie.

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    Opponent? Too dumb. Newpaper? Too smart. Hand puppet? Just right, Mr. Goldilocks. And don't forget you can't spell Goldilocks without GLOCK. I have one hand in my sock puppet, one hand on my Glock, and one hand on my meat puppet, just in case.

    1. Boojum

      So, is the meat puppet sharing with the sock puppet? Because I could totally understand that.

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      I for one was disappointed that Mr. West chose to endorse Glock, an Austrian company. You'd think he could be internally consistent to recommend a Ruger or Smith & Wesson.

  8. Serolf_Divad

    Shorter version: I will not dignifiy to conform to your pontificatiousness and bespoke supercillious scurrilosity by actually debating my opponent face to face.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    I wrote a letter to the editor once about 20 years ago, when I was 19. Actually, it was to the music reviewer about the Allman Bros show he panned where in he incorrectly identified the song Jessica as Elizabeth Reed. I corrected him mightily and he even did a mea culpa in his next bullshit article. I still feel strongly that that letter was so, so much more important than anything Allen West has to say. It's such a shame he is a Congress-"person."

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Allen West's letter reminds me of every single Tyler Perry/Madea screenplay ever written. Only with slightly more humor and slightly less bad drag.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Fuck. Don't give Tyler Perry anymore Tyler Perry's ideas for Tyler Perry's next Tyler Perry's movie starring Tyler Perry.

  11. mrpuma2u

    I don't get it. If Generalissimo West is so superior, he should just be able to sit in the debate, not answer a single question, and just exude moral and spiritual superiority that will be clearly evident to the voters. Well the voters that are not "self-appointed elitists so blinded by ideology they are incapable of an intellectually honest discussion" or also incapable of seeing how superior-er Allan West is than they are.

  12. Dashboard Buddha

    "I believe a man must stand for something, or he will fall for anything."

    This is a very popular belief…especially among wingnuts. But, I have to ask…what if the something a man would stand for is the anything that duped the fool?

    Personally, I don't stand for much. Taking a "stand" requires belief and too often there are just not enough supporting facts.

    1. Boojum

      Well, see, that's the problem. You require facts on which to base your belief. They go to belief first and then make up the facts.

  13. Dashboard Buddha

    Looking at stuff like this makes me wonder. If I had never heard of West before reading his work, it would take me 1/10th of 1 second to realized the dude is a crank and thus not worthy of my vote. Are the people in his district so stupid they can't see this?

      1. shelwood46

        Ha! One of the first articles on that link is Allen West claiming that President Obama wants to enslave the American people.

  14. Not_So_Much

    See, morans? You can't debate with him because he's so good at it that he won't even engage in debate with you. Game. Set. Pistol fired by your ear.

    1. janicket

      And no paragraphs, just one furious block of type spattered with random punctuation consisting primarily of exclamation marks.

  15. Goonemeritus

    To use the Congressman’s own no nuance parlance I believe he is too much a
    Big Girls Blouse to debate his opponent.

  16. janicket

    Dear Mr. Romney,

    Your choice of running mate will be crucial in your campaign — nay, your crusade — to take back America from the commie socialist liberal traitor currently in unlawful occupation of the White House. Please choose that great American patriot Allen West (proud heir to the righteous fire of that great American heroine Sarah Palin) to help you save us all. Every thinking American will thank you.

    Yours truly,
    Hopeful

  17. MumbletyRadio

    Lt.-Col.-Congressman Hem-n'-haw: I don't know who should be more humiliated before the Post's readers: yourself or whichever secretary flunkie took this dicktation for you, fuckwad.

  18. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Dear Mr. President,

    There are too many states today. Please eliminate 3. I am not a crackpot.

    1. Negropolis

      We can eliminate all of the states with a "North" or a "West" in front of their names. Consolidation is the name of the game. Why the hell do we need two Carolinas, anyway?

  19. Guppy

    I do not answer to self-appointed elitists so blinded by ideology they are incapable of an intellectually honest discussion.

    This is why his conversations with himself always degenerate into hair-pulling screaming matches.

  20. bflrtsplk

    Uh, “Congressman“ West, camouflage, outflanking an enemy, cracking codes, you know those silly things, might count as “nuance“ on the “battlefield,“ don`t ya think?

  21. PeaceWithHonor

    Perhaps this eloquence would be better served on a street corner screaming at the tourists.

  22. randcoolcatdaddy

    "The people of South Florida elected me to represent them on Capitol Hill to put in place the right fiscal and regulatory polices to increase jobs and boost the economy. I will not waste my time and theirs with career politicians who seek office only to feed their egos."

    And, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work. There are vaginas to regulate, shovels of cash to throw to Wall Street, millions of poor left to throw on the street and gays to bash. I have better things to do for my constituents than put up with your petty politics!

  23. valthemus

    "I refuse to waste the voters’ time by dignifying Crowder’s cynical political maneuvering."

    Allen West Translate-O-Mat: "No debates, I'm a sound-bite guy. When I speak for too long, I come across as a crazy, clueless asshole."

  24. fawkedifiknow

    Romney/West 2012. Please! It would be the perfect sequel to McCain/Palin, and just as cynical. A rich white guy with gaping inadequacies in major voting blocs seeking to shore up by selecting a right wing fruitcake who panders to all the morons in the Republican base. But, is so unqualified that Obama will have a milk run to a second term.

    Barrack is lucky that way.

    1. Billmatic

      Who are we kidding it was written in pencil on elementary lined paper with smudges of drool and boogers all over it.

  25. Tundra Grifter

    Personally, I'm looking forward to the Presidential debates.

    Mr. Obama can sit them out. (r)Money is going to be busy debating himself, since he's taken both sides on almost every issue.

  26. hagajim

    I find it kind of ironic how right now it seems that the GOP is in love with complete assholes. Between this twit and Governor fatboy sammich in New Jersey the GOP seems to stand for Great Obstinate Pricks…or some such drivel.

  27. Tyrannically_Joe

    Wow, between Scott Brown, and this…

    I guess it's to be expected, and is pretty much the inevitable apotheosis of the Fox News/rightblogger parallel factual universe. If your entire ideology is built on a set of unchallenged premises that are peculiar to the far-right, then you sort of want to avoid debates like the plague, lest your claims challenged and fail to hold up to the scrutiny of daylight.

    tl;dr Republicans lie all the time and all their beliefs are predicated on lies, so they're afraid that debates might reveal those lies as lies.

  28. Callyson

    I learned to communicate on the battlefield

    Is *that* the new euphemism for torture now? Well, listening to this guy is pretty close to torture…

  29. VA_Dreaming

    I would say that Allen West didn't learn much about the military during his dishonorable service either. Subtle and creative plans often win battles where the other side has numerical or tactical advantages. The shining example of that is Robert E. Lee. Without his plans and skills as a general the confederate states would have fallen much faster. I would say that Mr. West is a great example of what happens when a politician spends his time listening to, and copying Rush Limbaugh instead of trying to be an intelligent, informed adult.

  30. anniegetyerfun

    He learned to communicate on the battlefield? Did he enlist at age 12? I'm not saying that I refined my communication skills at an incredibly young age, but I'm pretty sure I learned to express myself more or less adequately by the time I could drive.

  31. glamourdammerung

    Shorter version: "I am too much of a coward to debate my opponent, yet too stupid to keep my mouth shut. Hope you all do not notice, because it is really obvious."

  32. Chet Kincaid

    Alertly deleted by West's Executive Assistant: "Also, the battlefield is a place where the mental and physical qualities of Man must never be inhibited by the indiscipline and insouciance of any pants-wearing females. Washington D.C. is deep behind enemy lines; confused and distracting women like the goldilocked, doe-eyed Debbie Wasserman-Schultz do a grave disservice to the Honor, Decency and Integrity of our system by placing themselves in my line of sight during my duties."

  33. Doktor Zoom

    Wow. That had everything but the classic letter-to-the-editor closing, the single-sentence paragraph saying "Think about it."

  34. Negropolis

    This man is so self-loathing, and with such an inferiority complex it's not even funny. Really, it's not funny. His writings drip with the bitterness of a man who was told as a child that he was stupid or less than. The overcompensation and inappropriate seriousness; it burns.

    It's actually kind of sad and depressing. There was still a point in his life when he could have thrown off his deep-seated insecurities and lived an honest life. That point has been left in his history. He's turned himself into a cartoon character, and he's never coming back, more machine than man and certainly more sinning than sinned against.

    But, hell, I guess if you know that you're going to be unceremoniously driven out of Congress you might as well go out swinging wildly like Andy Dick fighting Mike Tyson or something.

  35. ttommyunger

    At first I thought West's rantings were just occasional spurts of bad judgement or advice. It's clear now that this is the real West and it's getting worse, not better. Sadly, it's only a matter of time before he is apprehended at three in the morning, naked in a public fountain, barking at the moon.

Comments are closed.