SURE WHY NOT  1:24 pm July 2, 2012

Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

by Jim Newell

Yes, Abraham Lincoln, exactlyThe FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

But yeah, here’s how the FBI is describing this bum who hasn’t shaven in a couple of months:

The FBI Bank Robbery Task Force needs your help identifying a bank robber dubbed the “Abe Lincoln Bandit.” The man, sporting a long, Abraham Lincoln-like beard, robbed the Wells Fargo Bank located at 11102 Scarsdale in Houston, Texas, earlier today (June 30, 2012). [...]

The Abe Lincoln Bandit was described as a white male, 5’9” to 5’11” tall, 180-210 pounds, with dark brown hair and a dark brown, long, Abraham Lincoln-like beard. He wore a dark cap and a dark shirt with white stripes.

You can get five large for sending tips to the FBI. But then you will have sold out Abraham Lincoln. Would that make you feel good? Would it, hmmm?

[FBI]

 
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{ 115 comments }

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

He seems more like the ghost of Schlubby Breitbart.

bumfug July 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I was thinking Maynard G. Krebs.

MaxUdargo July 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Jesus, people. It's clearly Stephen Hawking in an obvious fake beard.

FlownOver July 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

If so, vampire banks beware!

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Wouldn't those be (wait for it…) blood banks?

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

TWO MINUTES! You beat me to it by two damn minutes!

I hate people who wake up early.

Estproph July 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I don't think that was actually Abraham Lincoln. Different hat.

Come here a minute July 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Yeah, Lincoln's a Yankee fan of course.

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

SLIDERS LIBEL!!!!!

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Lincoln was a Kromagg?

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Since Lincoln was from Illinois and did not come from a rich background, he would have been a White Sox fan.

weejee July 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Slow newz day?

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Anderson Cooper finally came out of the closet everyone knew he was hiding in.

weejee July 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Now there's an item that has a wider stance.

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Your turn, Tom Cruise.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Isn't the divorce a tacit admission? SHE filed.

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm

A-tiskit a-Tacit, a green and yellow chair on which to jump up and down.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Ya know? To whom, exactly, was this a secret?

Butch_Wagstaff July 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I told the hubs that it'd be nice if some well-known person came out & it was an actual surprise to everybody.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Wouldn't it, though? I long to be shocked, truly I do.

MumbletyRadio July 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Slow newz day?

Slow Booze Day. For some of us returning to work; Monday, etc.
I can't tell if it's a contact high hangover from reading about the Seattle meetup's roaring good time, or the post-hurricane, no; tornado; no, derecho headache that's messing with me more than the usual work-week bleahs.

wondering where i am July 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Isn't derecho something they yell at you when you ask for directions in Tijuana? Since when is it a "weather event."?

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

NY Mets Libel!

ManchuCandidate July 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

They are my favorite squadron!

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Look, with the Madoff payout still to be determined, can you blame the Wilpons for trying to top off the coffers? Beats trading Santana.

Goonemeritus July 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I would drop a dime on the real Lincoln for 5 large.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

You SO would not. Go see The Skin I Live In instead, and let Pedro Almodovar turn your brain inside out for a day or more, you'll be glad you did.

Goonemeritus July 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I will, I even have Netflix so there is that to look forward to.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm

It is one bizarre movie, Goon, and I'd love to hear what you and Mrs. Goon think. Seriously.

Goonemeritus July 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Well Mrs. Goon is spending the week on a meditation retreat in Rhinebeck, so it will be a week of no compromise TV viewing and a much more meat centric diet.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I never felt like punching Abe square in the face. This guy, though….

vulpes82 July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

*gasp* Abraham Lincoln didn't slay vampires; he IS a vampire! It's like everything I ever knew about history was WRONG!

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I'm starting to wonder if it's the weed or I've entered a slipstream in time and manoeuvred into a slightly different universe.

SexySmurf July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

How do you know it isn't the ghost of Patrick Swayze in a Ghost of Abe Lincoln mask?

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Shouldn't he be disguised as Jefferson Davis instead?

Callyson July 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

General Sherman or GTFO.

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Based on the "ironic" hipster beard and sloppy dressing, they should be looking through men drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon in Houston's dive bars.

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

They'll never find him!

Chill_Bill July 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Houston hipsters may be unoriginal, idiotic and years behind those in Williamsburg, but trust me, this guy is no hipster.

Lascauxcaveman July 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Yeah, the ironic Mets cap would get him laughed out of any decent hipster bar in Wburg. If you're going to rock a baseball cap at all, its gotta be from a highschool team, or oddly-named AA team, at most.

Best to avoid potential missteps and just go with the rasta-colored skullcap or a hand-knit toque with the dangly yarn strings hanging down. Stick with the classics.

Halloween Jack July 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

He was robbing banks before it was cool.

Joshua Norton July 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

the ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

Nah. Just complete lack of personal hygene.

edgydrifter July 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm

This is his viral video application for a job with JP Morgan.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Seems like he might be qualified.

bringmeanaxe July 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I dunno, he looks more like an Amish than Abe Lincoln.

Sassomatic July 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Striped sweaters are the new hoodie. Be warned.

Nostrildamus July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Man Hunt! This should prick up the ears of the GOP leadership.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Well, it'll certainly up their pricks, anyway.

Schmannnity July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Worst The Town remake ever.

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

ABEICA ABEICA ABEICA!

-John Stanley "Sonny" Wojtowicz-

Wilcoxyz July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I have a mortgage with the dipshits at Wells-Fargo? Can we give him a medal?

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

You poor thing. I suggest we all form a network to shelter and aid him (for a percentage of the take, of course). Wells Fargo has ripped SO many people off, I'm sure we'll have no lack of volunteers. Let's US rob THEM for a change!

UW8316154 July 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

OT – Anderson Cooper is gay. Finally.

Callyson July 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I read a cartoon once that depicted The Creator saying "You know, I'm God, and even I don't know if Anderson Cooper is gay or straight." Thanks for clearing that up, Anderson…

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I can tell you right now that it was absolutely no fucking secret to the gay community. That boy was born gayer than a lark.

Callyson July 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I don't know how many drugs Honest Abe is on, but from the looks of that photo, AOTK…

SayItWithWookies July 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

He stole from Wells Fargo? Well, I'll get right on it. Just as soon as I — um — finish this piece of celery that I'm gnawing on to keep the hunger away. Now what the hell did I do with my shoes? Oh yeah — I ate them. Okay, it might be a while.

OldWhiteLies July 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Don't forget to dust your linen closet, re-line your pantry shelves, get all those small spoons out from under the tablespoons in the flatware thingy, wind up that hose in the back, straighten the toilet rug in the guest bath, organize the old paint cans in the garage, vacuum out all those dust bunnies in the laundry room, and reorganize the medicine cabinet in the master bath. That all should give you plenty of time to figure out your strategy for … wait, what was it you were gonna do?

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Why do I suddenly feel guilty?

samsuncle July 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

If you see this guy do not try to apprehend him yourself because anybody that wears a sweater in Houston in June is one bad hombre.

HistoriCat July 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Maybe not , did he walk in wearing the sweater? He may just be used to the way many offices in Houston are kept at a crisp 60 degree temperature during the summer. In that case, maybe he put it on when he got into the bank.

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Well, like Lincoln this guy knows that horizontal stripes make you look shorter.

StanleyPain2 July 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It would HAVE to be the ghost of Abe Lincoln because only someone living in the 1860s would think that less than $100 is a lot of money to rob from a bank.

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Why is that camera placed at that angle? It's like boob cam.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Gee, I wonder why that would be? (scratches head unconvincingly).

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

FUCKING AMISH!

ManchuCandidate July 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Let my Lincolns go!

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Did he take all the bills, or just the fives?

OldWhiteLies July 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Thank you for my first embarrass-myself-cackling-out-loud-at-unseemly-length experience of the morning!

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I'm very happy I was able to oblige you, kind sir.

Slim_Pickins July 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

At 5'10" he's no Abe Lincoln.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Abraham Lincoln was a good ol' man
He hopped out the window with my dough in his hand

OneDollarJuana July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Ask those guys in the background if they feel more free. If so, that's Lincoln.

Joshua Norton July 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

President Lincoln was shot because he wore a stovepipe hat.

RedneckMuslin July 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Yes, John Wilkes Booth was mad because he couldn't see the play. Then it escalated from there.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I've often longed to shoot the wearers of egregiously offensive headgear myself.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

When Amish go bad, tonight on FOX News!

RedneckMuslin July 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Gruber needed the money for a barn raisin'

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The note he passed the teller….was it signed by Epstein's Mom?

fartknocker July 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

He doesn't look anything like the guy on my $5 bills.

Not_So_Much July 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Even without being all robber-ish-y, that expression clearly says "I'm a whiny douche".

mavenmaven July 2, 2012 at 2:01 pm

inevitable, a hipster bank robber.

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Next he'll be escaping on a fixie bike.

ph7 July 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Let's hope he's sentenced to a Portland penitentiary.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I guess vampire hunting doesn't pay the bills.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

You're Australian, silly. That's a woman.

valthemus July 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Looks more like the Ghost of Grunge Bands Past.

GorzoTheMighty July 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Commandate Castro is indeed looking a bit old.

Joshua Norton July 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Rumspringa gone bad.

BlueStateLibel July 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Well that's a switch – people robbing banks instead of the other way around!

WhatTheHeck July 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Benjamins trump Lincoln any and every day.

RomanSolo3000 July 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Dad?

Toomush_Infer July 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Um, nope – Zombie. Hunters take note….not a vampire, sorry….

tbogg July 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm

David Schwimmer has really let himself go. Sad.

Tundra Grifter July 2, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Looks to me like he's sitting in a wheelchair.

And that flatbrim cap look is pretty much the worst ever – except he's not wearing it backwards, which would be the worst look ever.

elburritodeluxe July 2, 2012 at 3:09 pm

You could raise a lot of barns with that kind of money…

elburritodeluxe July 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Hey, douchebag, do you think you could maybe put down your cellphone for one fucking second while you rob a fucking bank!

ph7 July 2, 2012 at 3:19 pm

At least Abe wasn't jabbering into his bluetooth earpiece.

savethispatient July 2, 2012 at 3:24 pm

It seems… unwise… for Abe Lincoln to live in Texas. He's still a big hero there, right?

Isyaignert July 2, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Haha! Now that's funny!!

proudgrampa July 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

Guppy July 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

On the one hand, having a neckbeard usually means you're a computer nerd. On the other, such a nerd would probably be able to take a lot more of the bank's money with a high-frequency trading algorithm than going low-tech like this.

owhatever July 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The Dude abides.

larrykat July 2, 2012 at 4:55 pm

With that beard it looks like a rumspringa gone bad. Either that or Vulcan Amok-Time.

TribecaMike July 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

James O'Keefe gets more brazen by the hour.

Troglodeity July 2, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Man, Chevy Chase has finally hit rock bottom.

Isyaignert July 2, 2012 at 7:43 pm

The beard with no moustache look creeps me out.

ttommyunger July 2, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Abe Linclon or Black Beard? We report, you zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

hippie13 July 3, 2012 at 7:16 am

Thats James OKeefe undercover! Or if Lincoln, its only because zombie killin ain't cheap!

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Yes, a remarkably short-lived ecstasy. I've been in serially monogamous relationships that have lasted longer.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Lucky Mrs. Goon! She'll come back all happy and refreshed and forgiving till she sees the news. I could use a break from Republipiggery for a week. Well, if you ever get around to seeing that movie, do let me know what you (singly or jointly) think!

HistoriCat July 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

When do your memoirs come out? I want to reserve a copy.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Believe it or don't, I'm actually a very shy and reclusive person. I'll let you know when it comes out, but I won't tell you what it is. If you can figure out my identity from that, more power to you.

HistoriCat July 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

A shy and reclusive tease!

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Hey, no fair. (Pulls sheets over head)

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