The FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the ghost of Abraham Lincoln?
But yeah, here’s how the FBI is describing this bum who hasn’t shaven in a couple of months:
The FBI Bank Robbery Task Force needs your help identifying a bank robber dubbed the “Abe Lincoln Bandit.” The man, sporting a long, Abraham Lincoln-like beard, robbed the Wells Fargo Bank located at 11102 Scarsdale in Houston, Texas, earlier today (June 30, 2012). [...]
The Abe Lincoln Bandit was described as a white male, 5’9” to 5’11” tall, 180-210 pounds, with dark brown hair and a dark brown, long, Abraham Lincoln-like beard. He wore a dark cap and a dark shirt with white stripes.
You can get five large for sending tips to the FBI. But then you will have sold out Abraham Lincoln. Would that make you feel good? Would it, hmmm?
[FBI]
{ 115 comments }
He seems more like the ghost of Schlubby Breitbart.
I was thinking Maynard G. Krebs.
Jesus, people. It's clearly Stephen Hawking in an obvious fake beard.
If so, vampire banks beware!
Wouldn't those be (wait for it…) blood banks?
TWO MINUTES! You beat me to it by two damn minutes!
I hate people who wake up early.
I don't think that was actually Abraham Lincoln. Different hat.
Yeah, Lincoln's a Yankee fan of course.
SLIDERS LIBEL!!!!!
Lincoln was a Kromagg?
Since Lincoln was from Illinois and did not come from a rich background, he would have been a White Sox fan.
Slow newz day?
Anderson Cooper finally came out of the closet everyone knew he was hiding in.
Now there's an item that has a wider stance.
Your turn, Tom Cruise.
Isn't the divorce a tacit admission? SHE filed.
A-tiskit a-Tacit, a green and yellow chair on which to jump up and down.
Ya know? To whom, exactly, was this a secret?
I told the hubs that it'd be nice if some well-known person came out & it was an actual surprise to everybody.
Wouldn't it, though? I long to be shocked, truly I do.
Slow newz day?
Slow Booze Day. For some of us returning to work; Monday, etc.
I can't tell if it's a contact
highhangover from reading about the Seattle meetup's roaring good time, or the post-hurricane, no; tornado; no,derecho headache that's messing with me more than the usual work-week bleahs.Isn't derecho something they yell at you when you ask for directions in Tijuana? Since when is it a "weather event."?
NY Mets Libel!
They are my favorite squadron!
Look, with the Madoff payout still to be determined, can you blame the Wilpons for trying to top off the coffers? Beats trading Santana.
I would drop a dime on the real Lincoln for 5 large.
You SO would not. Go see The Skin I Live In instead, and let Pedro Almodovar turn your brain inside out for a day or more, you'll be glad you did.
I will, I even have Netflix so there is that to look forward to.
It is one bizarre movie, Goon, and I'd love to hear what you and Mrs. Goon think. Seriously.
Well Mrs. Goon is spending the week on a meditation retreat in Rhinebeck, so it will be a week of no compromise TV viewing and a much more meat centric diet.
I never felt like punching Abe square in the face. This guy, though….
*gasp* Abraham Lincoln didn't slay vampires; he IS a vampire! It's like everything I ever knew about history was WRONG!
I'm starting to wonder if it's the weed or I've entered a slipstream in time and manoeuvred into a slightly different universe.
How do you know it isn't the ghost of Patrick Swayze in a Ghost of Abe Lincoln mask?
Shouldn't he be disguised as Jefferson Davis instead?
General Sherman or GTFO.
Based on the "ironic" hipster beard and sloppy dressing, they should be looking through men drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon in Houston's dive bars.
They'll never find him!
Houston hipsters may be unoriginal, idiotic and years behind those in Williamsburg, but trust me, this guy is no hipster.
Yeah, the ironic Mets cap would get him laughed out of any decent hipster bar in Wburg. If you're going to rock a baseball cap at all, its gotta be from a highschool team, or oddly-named AA team, at most.
Best to avoid potential missteps and just go with the rasta-colored skullcap or a hand-knit toque with the dangly yarn strings hanging down. Stick with the classics.
He was robbing banks before it was cool.
the ghost of Abraham Lincoln?
Nah. Just complete lack of personal hygene.
This is his viral video application for a job with JP Morgan.
Seems like he might be qualified.
I dunno, he looks more like an Amish than Abe Lincoln.
Striped sweaters are the new hoodie. Be warned.
Man Hunt! This should prick up the ears of the GOP leadership.
Well, it'll certainly up their pricks, anyway.
Worst The Town remake ever.
ABEICA ABEICA ABEICA!
-John Stanley "Sonny" Wojtowicz-
I have a mortgage with the dipshits at Wells-Fargo? Can we give him a medal?
You poor thing. I suggest we all form a network to shelter and aid him (for a percentage of the take, of course). Wells Fargo has ripped SO many people off, I'm sure we'll have no lack of volunteers. Let's US rob THEM for a change!
OT – Anderson Cooper is gay. Finally.
I read a cartoon once that depicted The Creator saying "You know, I'm God, and even I don't know if Anderson Cooper is gay or straight." Thanks for clearing that up, Anderson…
I can tell you right now that it was absolutely no fucking secret to the gay community. That boy was born gayer than a lark.
I don't know how many drugs Honest Abe is on, but from the looks of that photo, AOTK…
He stole from Wells Fargo? Well, I'll get right on it. Just as soon as I — um — finish this piece of celery that I'm gnawing on to keep the hunger away. Now what the hell did I do with my shoes? Oh yeah — I ate them. Okay, it might be a while.
Don't forget to dust your linen closet, re-line your pantry shelves, get all those small spoons out from under the tablespoons in the flatware thingy, wind up that hose in the back, straighten the toilet rug in the guest bath, organize the old paint cans in the garage, vacuum out all those dust bunnies in the laundry room, and reorganize the medicine cabinet in the master bath. That all should give you plenty of time to figure out your strategy for … wait, what was it you were gonna do?
Why do I suddenly feel guilty?
If you see this guy do not try to apprehend him yourself because anybody that wears a sweater in Houston in June is one bad hombre.
Maybe not , did he walk in wearing the sweater? He may just be used to the way many offices in Houston are kept at a crisp 60 degree temperature during the summer. In that case, maybe he put it on when he got into the bank.
Well, like Lincoln this guy knows that horizontal stripes make you look shorter.
It would HAVE to be the ghost of Abe Lincoln because only someone living in the 1860s would think that less than $100 is a lot of money to rob from a bank.
Why is that camera placed at that angle? It's like boob cam.
Gee, I wonder why that would be? (scratches head unconvincingly).
FUCKING AMISH!
Let my Lincolns go!
Did he take all the bills, or just the fives?
Thank you for my first embarrass-myself-cackling-out-loud-at-unseemly-length experience of the morning!
I'm very happy I was able to oblige you, kind sir.
At 5'10" he's no Abe Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln was a good ol' man
He hopped out the window with my dough in his hand
Ask those guys in the background if they feel more free. If so, that's Lincoln.
President Lincoln was shot because he wore a stovepipe hat.
Yes, John Wilkes Booth was mad because he couldn't see the play. Then it escalated from there.
I've often longed to shoot the wearers of egregiously offensive headgear myself.
When Amish go bad, tonight on FOX News!
Gruber needed the money for a barn raisin'
The note he passed the teller….was it signed by Epstein's Mom?
He doesn't look anything like the guy on my $5 bills.
Even without being all robber-ish-y, that expression clearly says "I'm a whiny douche".
inevitable, a hipster bank robber.
Next he'll be escaping on a fixie bike.
Let's hope he's sentenced to a Portland penitentiary.
I guess vampire hunting doesn't pay the bills.
You're Australian, silly. That's a woman.
Looks more like the Ghost of Grunge Bands Past.
Commandate Castro is indeed looking a bit old.
Rumspringa gone bad.
Well that's a switch – people robbing banks instead of the other way around!
Benjamins trump Lincoln any and every day.
Dad?
Um, nope – Zombie. Hunters take note….not a vampire, sorry….
David Schwimmer has really let himself go. Sad.
Looks to me like he's sitting in a wheelchair.
And that flatbrim cap look is pretty much the worst ever – except he's not wearing it backwards, which would be the worst look ever.
You could raise a lot of barns with that kind of money…
Hey, douchebag, do you think you could maybe put down your cellphone for one fucking second while you rob a fucking bank!
At least Abe wasn't jabbering into his bluetooth earpiece.
It seems… unwise… for Abe Lincoln to live in Texas. He's still a big hero there, right?
Haha! Now that's funny!!
Oh for fuck's sake.
On the one hand, having a neckbeard usually means you're a computer nerd. On the other, such a nerd would probably be able to take a lot more of the bank's money with a high-frequency trading algorithm than going low-tech like this.
The Dude abides.
With that beard it looks like a rumspringa gone bad. Either that or Vulcan Amok-Time.
James O'Keefe gets more brazen by the hour.
Man, Chevy Chase has finally hit rock bottom.
The beard with no moustache look creeps me out.
Abe Linclon or Black Beard? We report, you zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Thats James OKeefe undercover! Or if Lincoln, its only because zombie killin ain't cheap!
Yes, a remarkably short-lived ecstasy. I've been in serially monogamous relationships that have lasted longer.
Lucky Mrs. Goon! She'll come back all happy and refreshed and forgiving till she sees the news. I could use a break from Republipiggery for a week. Well, if you ever get around to seeing that movie, do let me know what you (singly or jointly) think!
When do your memoirs come out? I want to reserve a copy.
Believe it or don't, I'm actually a very shy and reclusive person. I'll let you know when it comes out, but I won't tell you what it is. If you can figure out my identity from that, more power to you.
A shy and reclusive tease!
Hey, no fair. (Pulls sheets over head)
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