sure why not

Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

Yes, Abraham Lincoln, exactlyThe FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

But yeah, here’s how the FBI is describing this bum who hasn’t shaven in a couple of months:

The FBI Bank Robbery Task Force needs your help identifying a bank robber dubbed the “Abe Lincoln Bandit.” The man, sporting a long, Abraham Lincoln-like beard, robbed the Wells Fargo Bank located at 11102 Scarsdale in Houston, Texas, earlier today (June 30, 2012). […]

The Abe Lincoln Bandit was described as a white male, 5’9” to 5’11” tall, 180-210 pounds, with dark brown hair and a dark brown, long, Abraham Lincoln-like beard. He wore a dark cap and a dark shirt with white stripes.

You can get five large for sending tips to the FBI. But then you will have sold out Abraham Lincoln. Would that make you feel good? Would it, hmmm?


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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      1. SorosBot

        Since Lincoln was from Illinois and did not come from a rich background, he would have been a White Sox fan.

    1. nounverb911

      Anderson Cooper finally came out of the closet everyone knew he was hiding in.

          1. MittBorg

            Believe it or don't, I'm actually a very shy and reclusive person. I'll let you know when it comes out, but I won't tell you what it is. If you can figure out my identity from that, more power to you.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I told the hubs that it'd be nice if some well-known person came out & it was an actual surprise to everybody.

    2. MumbletyRadio

      Slow newz day?

      Slow Booze Day. For some of us returning to work; Monday, etc.
      I can't tell if it's a contact high hangover from reading about the Seattle meetup's roaring good time, or the post-hurricane, no; tornado; no, derecho headache that's messing with me more than the usual work-week bleahs.

      1. wondering where i am

        Isn't derecho something they yell at you when you ask for directions in Tijuana? Since when is it a "weather event."?

    1. actor212

      Look, with the Madoff payout still to be determined, can you blame the Wilpons for trying to top off the coffers? Beats trading Santana.

          1. Goonemeritus

            Well Mrs. Goon is spending the week on a meditation retreat in Rhinebeck, so it will be a week of no compromise TV viewing and a much more meat centric diet.

          2. MittBorg

            Lucky Mrs. Goon! She'll come back all happy and refreshed and forgiving till she sees the news. I could use a break from Republipiggery for a week. Well, if you ever get around to seeing that movie, do let me know what you (singly or jointly) think!

  1. vulpes82

    *gasp* Abraham Lincoln didn't slay vampires; he IS a vampire! It's like everything I ever knew about history was WRONG!

    1. MittBorg

      I'm starting to wonder if it's the weed or I've entered a slipstream in time and manoeuvred into a slightly different universe.

  2. SexySmurf

    How do you know it isn't the ghost of Patrick Swayze in a Ghost of Abe Lincoln mask?

  3. SorosBot

    Based on the "ironic" hipster beard and sloppy dressing, they should be looking through men drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon in Houston's dive bars.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, the ironic Mets cap would get him laughed out of any decent hipster bar in Wburg. If you're going to rock a baseball cap at all, its gotta be from a highschool team, or oddly-named AA team, at most.

        Best to avoid potential missteps and just go with the rasta-colored skullcap or a hand-knit toque with the dangly yarn strings hanging down. Stick with the classics.

    1. MittBorg

      You poor thing. I suggest we all form a network to shelter and aid him (for a percentage of the take, of course). Wells Fargo has ripped SO many people off, I'm sure we'll have no lack of volunteers. Let's US rob THEM for a change!

    1. Callyson

      I read a cartoon once that depicted The Creator saying "You know, I'm God, and even I don't know if Anderson Cooper is gay or straight." Thanks for clearing that up, Anderson…

      1. MittBorg

        I can tell you right now that it was absolutely no fucking secret to the gay community. That boy was born gayer than a lark.

  4. Callyson

    I don't know how many drugs Honest Abe is on, but from the looks of that photo, AOTK…

  5. SayItWithWookies

    He stole from Wells Fargo? Well, I'll get right on it. Just as soon as I — um — finish this piece of celery that I'm gnawing on to keep the hunger away. Now what the hell did I do with my shoes? Oh yeah — I ate them. Okay, it might be a while.

    1. OldWhiteLies

      Don't forget to dust your linen closet, re-line your pantry shelves, get all those small spoons out from under the tablespoons in the flatware thingy, wind up that hose in the back, straighten the toilet rug in the guest bath, organize the old paint cans in the garage, vacuum out all those dust bunnies in the laundry room, and reorganize the medicine cabinet in the master bath. That all should give you plenty of time to figure out your strategy for … wait, what was it you were gonna do?

  6. samsuncle

    If you see this guy do not try to apprehend him yourself because anybody that wears a sweater in Houston in June is one bad hombre.

    1. HistoriCat

      Maybe not , did he walk in wearing the sweater? He may just be used to the way many offices in Houston are kept at a crisp 60 degree temperature during the summer. In that case, maybe he put it on when he got into the bank.

  7. Jus_Wonderin

    Well, like Lincoln this guy knows that horizontal stripes make you look shorter.

  8. StanleyPain2

    It would HAVE to be the ghost of Abe Lincoln because only someone living in the 1860s would think that less than $100 is a lot of money to rob from a bank.

    1. OldWhiteLies

      Thank you for my first embarrass-myself-cackling-out-loud-at-unseemly-length experience of the morning!

  9. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Abraham Lincoln was a good ol' man
    He hopped out the window with my dough in his hand

  10. OneDollarJuana

    Ask those guys in the background if they feel more free. If so, that's Lincoln.

    1. RedneckMuslin

      Yes, John Wilkes Booth was mad because he couldn't see the play. Then it escalated from there.

  11. Not_So_Much

    Even without being all robber-ish-y, that expression clearly says "I'm a whiny douche".

  12. BlueStateLibel

    Well that's a switch – people robbing banks instead of the other way around!

  13. Tundra Grifter

    Looks to me like he's sitting in a wheelchair.

    And that flatbrim cap look is pretty much the worst ever – except he's not wearing it backwards, which would be the worst look ever.

  14. elburritodeluxe

    Hey, douchebag, do you think you could maybe put down your cellphone for one fucking second while you rob a fucking bank!

  15. savethispatient

    It seems… unwise… for Abe Lincoln to live in Texas. He's still a big hero there, right?

  16. Guppy

    On the one hand, having a neckbeard usually means you're a computer nerd. On the other, such a nerd would probably be able to take a lot more of the bank's money with a high-frequency trading algorithm than going low-tech like this.

  17. larrykat

    With that beard it looks like a rumspringa gone bad. Either that or Vulcan Amok-Time.

  18. hippie13

    Thats James OKeefe undercover! Or if Lincoln, its only because zombie killin ain't cheap!

Comments are closed.