TRAITOR  12:35 pm July 2, 2012

Famous 13-Year-Old Conservative Hero Now 17, Not Conservative

by Jim Newell

We all remember where we were on Feburary 27, 2009 when 13-year-old Jonathan Krohn addressed the throngs of CPACers, spitting the hot fires of oppression and demanding the instant restoration of the Old Guard. Where were you? Your Wonkette, for one, was typing a blog post about his CPAC speech. It was clear that young Jonathan would have a lifetime supply of wingnut welfare cash to support him and his eventual horribly dysfunctional conservative family. By 2011, he’d already released a book — a “remarkably earnest and impeccably reasoned primer” on “Conservative philosophy’s basic tenets” that somehow managed to exceed two pages in length. What a future! But now, as Politico reports, Jonathan Krohn is a much wiser man of 17 years and basically despises conservatism.

Krohn now wonders, like the rest of us, why a bunch of adults were cheering for the ideas of a 13-year-old kid who obviously didn’t know what he was doing:

Now 17, Krohn — who went on to write a book, “Defining Conservatism,” that was blurbed by the likes of Newt Gingrich and Bill Bennett — still watches that speech from time to time, but it mostly makes him cringe because, well, he’s not a conservative anymore.

“I think it was naive,” Krohn now says of the speech. “It’s a 13-year-old kid saying stuff that he had heard for a long time.… I live in Georgia. We’re inundated with conservative talk in Georgia.… The speech was something that a 13-year-old does. You haven’t formed all your opinions. You’re really defeating yourself if you think you have all of your ideas in your head when you were 12 or 13. It’s impossible. You haven’t done enough.”

Just look at what this dirty commie likes now: President Obama, his AbortionCare law, the New Yorker… and oh god, where is he going to college? NOOOOOOOO! Bill Bennett’s gonna keel over when he gets wind of this:

Gay marriage? In favor. Obamacare? “It’s a good idea.” Who would he vote for (if he could) in November? “Probably Barack Obama.” His favorite TV shows? “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report.” His favorite magazine? The New Yorker. And, perhaps telling of all, Krohn is enrolling this fall at a college not exactly known for its conservatism: New York University.

In the words of Loser Pennsylvania Jesus : What a snob.

[Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 223 comments }

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Gawd, he hasn't even gone to college yet. Just the applications process turned him away from his conservative beliefs. Call Santorum.

Lascauxcaveman July 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Kids don't even need college to wise up these days. There's the internet, The Daily Show, and for a lucky few who mange to stumble across it, teh Wonkettes, all of whom are methodically working to skewer your hypocrites and butcher your sacred cows.

I'm really not worried about today's youth. They'll get it right eventually.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

So, we just have to wait for the rest of the Conservatives to grow up?

boobookitteh July 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Don't hold your breath.

WunkRocker July 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Stephen Hawking says we only have like 5 billion years until the sun goes O'reilly. so that won't work.

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Isn't the Limbaugh Phase before the O'Reilly?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The star snorts Oxycontin and sleeps with Dominican boys before doing it live?

My understanding of astrophysics is that if a star is massive enough, it will go O'Reilly and then go Christie and devour everything around it, becoming a massive black hole.

starfanglednut July 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Limbaugh goes straight to black hole. Hems already dense enough to bend light.

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Ah, you are right. I was thinking he was the gas giant part of the end, but you are correct!!!

Callyson July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I think most of them suffer from arrested development, unfortunately…

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

They've made a huge mistake?

noodlesalad July 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Clearly another example of why America should be able to execute children. Amiright, GOP, or amiright?

flamingpdog July 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

No snark, I feel for the kid. At 13, I was a Bill Buckley conservative. Then I got real.

One_Man_Band July 2, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Yeah, I listened to Rush when I was 13, now I'm a big commie.

I think there is something about the certainty of conservative b.s. that appeals to minds that are not yet fully formed. Hopefully, once you no longer have the mind of a 13-year old, the appeal is lost.

noodlesalad July 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

See also: Ayn Rand. Unfortunately, some people who are over 20 still like that crap.

Sassomatic July 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Ich. Ayn Rand. I was in an honors English class as a sophomore in high school. Instead of having us read actual literature the teacher had us spend the year making our way through Atlas Shrugged. I was ambivalent about Objectivism when I was 14. At 15 it hit me what a load of selfish bullshit the whole thing was.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

LaVeyan Satanism is the same philosophy enshrined as religion. There's a reason all the crystal freaks down at the hookah bar really hate the Satanists.

neiltheblaze July 2, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I once had a roommate who told me she'd read "Atlas" when she was 13 – but in her case, Rand acted like a parasitic, brain-eating worm.

HoytClagwell July 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I was a Robert Heinlein libertarian until I was in my mid-20s. Somehow I overcame that and grew a heart.

GunToting[Redacted] July 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Yeah, that's about when I realized that my belief system was shit.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Amazing, innit? When you're young and fulla beans, and you know you'll never die or age or be weak or need anything. Four years later you're looking at needing to get a job and move out of home, and suddenly your whole perspective changes.

ChuckieJesus July 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Most Heinleinian Libertarians I knew in my mid-twenties were trust fund kids who were "into polyamory". To their credit, they threw pretty epic parties, and didn't mind sparking one with a brown, dirty socialist girl. In retrospect, I imagine it was an attempt to get into my pants.

HoytClagwell July 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

That wasn't me. I just had the typical twenty-something's myopic vision of society, wherein all hardship, crime and poverty could be eliminated if everyone paid cash and packed heat. (I didn't get into polyamory until much later, wink wink.)

But in mitigation, I can honestly state that I have never voted for a Republican.

WABishop July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Hello, my name is Bill. (Hi, Bill.) When I was 16, Ronald Reagan announced the release of the American hostages in Iran. I cheered the news, in public….

*hangs his head, unable to go on, weeping*

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

(Pats his back) It'll be OK, Bill. We ALL went through it.

Well, except for Boojum, but we still like him anyway.

redarmyzombie July 3, 2012 at 5:12 am

When I was 13, I was a communist.

I'm not a communist anymore, but I like to say I am anyway, just so I can see the heads explode off of conservatives.

Boojum July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

At 13, I was a New Deal Democrat.

I am still that child.

Callyson July 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I was too–my grandmother made sure of that. God rest her soul…

…and Christ, I hope she is not looking down from heaven to see what a mess we've made of politics. I miss her but I am glad she did not live to see W come to power…

Serolf_Divad July 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Yep, me too. My mother still teases me about my 7th grade summer journal (which she keeps secreted away with my report cards and kindergarten crayon drawings), and all the right-wing foaming at the mouth it contains.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I think when I was 13, I was going around lecturing my classmates on how they should Remain Pure Until Marriage and The Beatles was the work of Satan to ensnare young minds in lust (which was a very very bad thing that I personally knew zilch about). Six years later I was all bogarting the reefer and hooked on Frank Zappa and Bob Marley. Sigh.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"Bogart The Reefer" — that was Blue Oyster Cult?

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

*Some*body's in fine form already this morning.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

When I was about 15 I got into a huge fight with one of my extended friends because I didn't approve of his drug use.

Cut to today and I'm helping my roommate put together his new shroom incubator.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Yeah, my sister derives a great deal of enjoyment from reminding me of my anti-drug tirades in my yoof.

I think kids at that age are so freaked by what's going on in their bodies and heads that they cling to anything that looks like it provides certain answers. You know. Like RWNJ ideology.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm

What's an "extended friend"?

Gunner Asch July 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Somebody you would like to leave if he hangs around more than 4 hours

starfanglednut July 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Frank Zappa is the gateway drug to rational thinking.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

He'll certainly give your teenaged ass a hearty kick in the right direction.

LionHeartSoyDog July 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

When i was 13, i was a Young Republican (because of family), and even shook Dick Nixon's hand when he was running for Gov. of Cali. (Click with Dick!). He had very bad breath.
Eventually, common sense, Beatlemania, marijuana, psychedelia, the Sacred Beauty of Women, the VietNam war and the Anti-Fascist Coalition brought many changes.

MaxUdargo July 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I remember being so happy the night Ronald Reagan was elected. I was practically bouncing off the walls. I would have been 13 then.

Less than a year later, when I heard that John Hinckley had shot him, I remember thinking "I hope that guy was a good shot."

I just realized, either way I was a awful person at that age.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Most of us are, you know. Our adolescent brains haven't matured sufficiently to understand things like consequences, and the painful fact that the world does not, our beliefs to the contrary, revolve around us.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 3, 2012 at 1:09 am

Hah! Well my parents were hippies so I detested Reagan as a child even if I vaguely knew who he was. My right wing sin is much greater and deeper because I damn near became a Republican at age 20…and nearly voted for Dubs my first election. By 2005 I had done a lot of reading in college and on my own (it helps to be bedridden for six months recuperating from an injury…) and was as libtarded as the libtardest of libtards. I never did vote GOP and supported Clark then Kerry in 2004 so maybe I wasn't as bad as some of ya'll…but those simplistic explanations and their media domination in places like Utah can have a horribly corrosive effect on intelligence.

MittBorg July 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You give me hope, Young Willardbot.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 July 3, 2012 at 1:03 am

Ugh this pains me but here goes: I didn't vote in 2000 because I actually liked Dubya and didn't want to vote Republican. I also initially supported the Iraq War basically because I thought it was right to support soldiers going into the line of fire. See back then I was kinda…conservative. I supported Clinton as a teen and voted D my first election but I wasn't very supportive of Gore; basically I thought he sucked. No excuses, I lived in Utah which makes Texas look progressively political and well…I didn't know much about politics and issues is where I went wrong. When I moved to Oregon in 2006 while recovering from an injury and attending a U I took a crash course in political reading to establish an ideology and voila! I came out socialist. Personally, I think the defining problem in this country is people are either not able to because of responsibilities or are too intellectually lazy to establish an ideology of their own so these simplistic, fast food explanations make sense. That is until you examine the underlying logic of them and see how ugly they are at their core….but yeah, I was once stupid too (bows head…)

MittBorg July 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

(Hugs Willardbot) As you can see, we all have our tales of shame. It'll be OK. You recovered.

Negropolis July 3, 2012 at 2:39 am

I guess this is a pretty major difference in culture. As a city blah, I've always been Democratic. Though that doesn't always equate to liberalism in our culture, in my case it did. My dad is practically an atheist with a lot of strong opinions on the environment and science and such, my mom agnostic at best, so there was never any church for me. I was taught to question prevailing opinion on things. I think the only real difference between me now and how I was raised is that I'm probably a whole lot more conventional than my parents who were really unstructured in how they lived, so that was kind of my rebellion.

flamingpdog July 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

My story is actually more complicated than I was a Bill Buckley conservative at 13 – in a sixth grade mock election, I voted for Lyndon Johnson over Barry Goldwater. Without boring you with all the sordid details, turning into a Bill Buckley conservative actually was partly a result of my living my junior high years, as a white boy, in a large-majority (93-95 %) blah community in Wash D. C. After three years of high school in a 98 percent white high community in the nearby suburbs, I got past the negative feelings.

ChuckieJesus July 4, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Wow, we actually sound a lot alike, except my mom was Irish Catholic and my dad was Southern Baptist.

Sassomatic July 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

There needs to be an investigation a to how this kid's brain was allowed to mature past 13. Did his parents fail to feed him enough corn syrup?

WhatTheHolyHeck July 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Corn sugar. Get with the times. Jesus, what is this, 2011?

mavenmaven July 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

High school education is simply an incubator for left wing socialism, and should be banned.
If he was working 18 hour days in a sweatshop like in the good old days, he'd still be on the right path and the job creators would be richer for it.

lisawines July 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

He coulda been Newt's janitor.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

ON THE MOOOOOOOOOON

doloras July 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm

No, if he was working 18 hour days in a sweatshop, he'd now be a violent anarcho-communist agitator and bomb-thrower. So maybe they have a point.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Oh, noes, they got to him, too! The same ones who are blackmailing Justice Roberts!

bumfug July 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

The spastic little bastard's meds musta got him thinkin' all crazy!

Beowoof July 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

It's all an act, he is still conservative, however, he is smart enough to know a conservative guy gets no girls in the liberal northeast.

MissTaken July 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Puberty has a liberal bias.

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

As soon as he got interested in girls, he gave up his boy toys.

Take that as you will.

elviouslyqueer July 2, 2012 at 12:58 pm

*ahem*

Gay marriage? In favor.

I'm thinking Krohn found hisself a nice boy with whom he wants to settle down.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Be nice now.

All the young'ns are pro-gay marriage today. They know it doesn't mean anything about which way their dicks point.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

It gasts my flabber. The straightest of the straight little punks in the neighbourhood is all, "Oh, man, gay marriage is so like DONE already, only the Olds think it's icky."

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Wow. So the kid gets that conservativism is for immature adolescents who believe in stick figure drawings instead of fully-fleshed paintings?

Sign this kid up!

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

He fed it to the dog.

weejee July 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Call ASPCA & Humane Society stat!

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

This is why all children need to be sent to religious brainwashing centers instead of public schools that dare teach the heresy known as critical thinking!

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Then when they rebel, they'll go even further to the left & begin founding hippie communes with their trust fund monies…

One_Man_Band July 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Texas is way ahead of the curve on that:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/06

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Uh, yeah, what do you think I was referring to?

MosesInvests July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

You have been charged with two counts of heresy: heresy of thought, heresy of word and heresy of…three! Three counts of heresy!

starfanglednut July 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Nobody expects critical thinking!

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Y U MADRASSAH, BRO?

rickmaci July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

At thirteen, I was a conservative and then I realized that Darth Goldwater was prepared to blow up the universe.

Pragmatist2 July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

One year at NYU and he likely will reveal he is a lesbian.

DemmeFatale July 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

In the old days, Eddie Izzard used to say he was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I'm fairly sure that's true for all straight men. Well, 99% of them, anyway.

DemmeFatale July 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm

But Eddie said it wearing make-up, (especially lipstick), women's clothes and heels.
He was (is?) fearless!!

doloras July 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I am a man trapped in another man's body. Should I have used more lube?

mookwrthwilson July 2, 2012 at 4:27 pm

That's called being fat…join the club.

rmjagg July 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm

if you ever want to get unstuck , lube is a must have , but why get unstuck ?

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Why do you think it took so long for me to graduate? I had to make sure I loved women like a little closet lesbian.

Blueb4sunrise July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

ONE OF US!!
ONE OF US!!
ONE OF US!!
ONE OF US!!

Good job young man.

GortRay July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Gabba Gabba Hey!

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Gooble Gobble Gooble Gobble

starfanglednut July 2, 2012 at 4:55 pm

We accept ya
we accept ya

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Wow…"it does get better!"

PeaceWithHonor July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

He should stop taking those epilepsy meds.

edgydrifter July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

The last words of every conservative who ever went liberal: "but then I stopped and thought about it."

Veritas78 July 2, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Or, "but then I got high."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeYsTmIzjkw

Enjoy!

Estproph July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Good for him. I remember when I was 13 I was immature too, and thought stupid crap that would have fit into a CPAC conference pretty well. As a matter of fact, every 13 year old I can think of was the same way. Goes with the age I guess. The real problem is the number of jagovs that never progress past that age.

Arken July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Guess this is why they wanted to get rid of the Department of Education.

gullywompr July 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Now we just need the rest of the conservatives to grow the fuck up.

SexySmurf July 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I call bullshit. If he was really a liberal his favorite magazine would be High Times.

lisawines July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Or all of 'em, Katie.

starfanglednut July 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Does that evn still exist? Holy crap.

MittBorg July 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Who do you think rates our fine weed?

Shypixel July 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

…and next year he'll be a hipster, disconnected from politics. And the year after he will be something else…

lisawines July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

And depending on what he majors in at school, he could become a Wall Street raider and write a book about how naive he was to be a liberal at 17.

Chow Yun Flat July 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

He saw Ann Coulter naked and renounced Satan and all his works right-wing ideology.

MrFizzy July 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And gouged his eyes out with an oyster fork.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Oyster fork! The sight of that skank in the raw would have me sucking my eyeballs out from the inside.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 2:04 pm

A Blue Oyster Fork?

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Ow! No fair, man, you're playing at Level 9, and I just woke up!

rmjagg July 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm

she doesn't ever wear clothes , those are her skin/scales

Billmatic July 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

It's unfortunate that the rest of conservative america is still stuck at age 13 forever, because as per their philosophy: I'm white and it's awesome, why change anything?

jaytingle July 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Sooner or later a kid wants to get laid.

Boojum July 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

The kid's reading Kripke, on his own, in high school. He is never getting laid.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Until college. Then that kid is gonna clean up like a motherfuck.

WhatTheHeck July 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Thankfully, he got only the reeducation he could afford.

banana_bread July 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

When I was little, I was conservative too. Then I grew up and figured out critical thinking skills and compassion. Clearly I am a liberal monster.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

at just 13 years old, he delivered an impromptu rallying cry for conservatism that became a viral hit and had some pegging him as a future star of the Republican Party.

This is what kills me. Republicans are so hard-up for a star that they were willing to hang their hopes on a child whose voice was just beginning to crack.

neiltheblaze July 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Just look at Marco Rubio.

Schmannnity July 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hey buddy, you can't talk about Chuck Norris like that.

SayItWithWookies July 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Wow — first Prussian Blue turn into liberal potheads and now this — soon conservatism's failure will be evident even to adults. Of course they deny harder since they've got a lifetime stake in its failed ideas, so we might have to wait for their generation to die out. But at least it's a ray of hope.

Boojum July 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Oh, thank Buddha about Prussian Blue. Such cute little girls should not be haters.

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Apparently, one of them developed cancer, which is a horrible thing to happen to a young child. It's horrible for *anyone,* of course, but cancer is, generally speaking, a disease of old age. The older you are, the higher your chances of getting it, and it's very rare in young people. To find yourself facing a death sentence at the start of your life is probably enough to make anyone reconsider. Anyway, she started smoking pot to cope with the pain, and is now a registered MM user, and of course, her twin is also smoking pot, which is good, if it can help reverse the conditioning these poor kids have had shoved down their throats since day one.

Mittens Howell, III July 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Conservatives have their guts all twisted up in knots and are shitting themselves over this betrayal. Sounds like a bad case of Krohn's disease.

WhatTheHolyHeck July 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

::golfclap::

Schmannnity July 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

C'mon. Tells us where Breitbart touched you at the CPAC.

Generation[redacted] July 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"You’re really defeating yourself if you think you have all of your ideas in your head when you were 12 or 13."

This is not good news for Grover Norquist.

calliecallie July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Grover Norquist is not good news for the rest of us.

widestanceromance July 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm

If the stuff I thought up when I was 12 and in the bathtub* became policy, mens' pants would have been outlawed a long time ago.

*the rest of the household: "Are you done, yet?"
Me: "No, I'm going for a third time."

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

At thirteen I would have made Grecian nudity mandatory.

widestanceromance July 2, 2012 at 2:26 pm

We were already dreaming of the day when we would be shoving and ramming things down throats.

gingerland62 July 3, 2012 at 1:54 am

I'm a sucker for Norquist jokes, the more insulting the better.

Goonemeritus July 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

That is Every Art Director's Office Since 1989.

HateMachine July 2, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I always liked CS Lewis' finish on that one (at least, I think it was Lewis):
"…including the fear of being thought childish."

DemmeFatale July 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I must find a recent photo.
I still feel the urge to slap the living shit out of this kid!

Mittens Howell, III July 2, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Welcome to the Dark Side, little one.

Lascauxcaveman July 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

We Have teh buttsecks Cookies!

MissTaken July 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I feel bad for this kid having his childhood silliness videotaped for all eternity. When I was 13 I recorded myself singing along to Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now". I discovered that tape while in college and nearly fell out of my chair from humiliation. Thank goodness I was the only one who ever heard that tape.

Poor kid!

Generation[redacted] July 2, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Before passing judgment, I need to see a YouTube link plz

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

It's going to be a big problem for today's teens when they get older; we just made embarrassing videotapes that no one saw except friends and family, and could easily throw out once we were old enough to see how bad it was. These days, the teens put their horrible videos up on YouTube where the entire world can see them, and they will never go away as long as the internet lasts, so the videos can haunt them long into adulthood.

James Michael Curley July 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

You were lucky. If you had covered Tommy James version from 1967 you would have to explain to everyone what a Shondell is.

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"Shondell"

Can't you hear the ocean if you hold one to you ear?

Lascauxcaveman July 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

My first exposure to that song is the version recorded by The Rubinoos. Try explaining that.

(It rocks, though. One of my all-time bubblegum faves.)

ChessieNefercat July 2, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Thank you, I couldn't remember if it was Tommy James and the Shondells or The Turtles.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Oh, I didn't realize that you were me.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I'm imagining huge bangs with your hair in a scrunchie on one side of your head and an acid washed denim ensemble. HAWT!

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

High-top Reeboks and scrunched socks, also too.

ChessieNefercat July 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

And the boatneck top slipping off one shoulder.

And the acid washed denim? Remember, jeans = pleated, skirt = ruffled.

MissTaken July 2, 2012 at 3:30 pm

No fucking joke, that was totally me! And yes, with PINK high-top Reeboks and scrunchy socks.

Generation[redacted] July 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

How many Swatches were you wearing?

MissTaken July 2, 2012 at 3:48 pm

One, but with the ever important Swatch Guard. I even had Guess overalls. I was da shit!

prommie July 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I like the "crickets" part.

ManchuCandidate July 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

He grew up unlike most of his former comrades doomed to forever be Geppetto's little wooden boy…

An_Outhouse July 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Hey Jonathan Krohn, you know who else has escaped? Katie Holmes and Anderson Cooper. Maybe we can hook you up. Pick one.

Wadisay July 2, 2012 at 12:58 pm

If you left a macaw in a room with Fox News and talk radio on all day, it could address CPAC in 2015.

ManchuCandidate July 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Worked for Mittens.

carlgt1 July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Polly definitely wanna KKKracker….

comptoneffect July 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Sure but the bird is less likely go all liberal when it turns 17.

ChessieNefercat July 2, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"If you left a macaw in a room with Fox News and talk radio on all day, it could address CPAC in 2015."
————————————————
I thought that happened this year. Oh, wait, that was Sarah Palin? Well, she looked and sounded like a macaw. Oops.

prommie July 2, 2012 at 1:02 pm

When I was 13, I wanted to remain sexually pure and only ever have sex with the girl I would marry and stay married to for the rest of my life. It wasn't a religious or ethical thing, it was purely a romantic thing, I was such a little bitch. But by the time I was 17, I was as over that idiotic idea as this boy appears to be over his conservative idiocy. No, maybe I was more over it. I was very very over it. Really really over it.

vodkamuppet July 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

When I was 13, I was trying to figure out how to get laid. When I was 17, I was trying to figure out how to get laid a lot more. Now I'm 32 and I'm still trying to figure out how to get laid more.

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I'm 53. I just love me some napz.

prommie July 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I'm 50, I love my naps too, but, still have to put the getting laid way above napping.

Iggy Pop was recently quoted for something he said about getting old:

"I would characterize it sort of like a powerful interest group within a political party at this point. It used to be the entire political party."
—Iggy Pop explains his current relationship with his penis.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

At 34, I would like to get laid more, but naps are usually quick to follow any laying that DOES occur.

prommie July 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Well, "lower your standards" always works.

vodkamuppet July 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I've already lowered my standards, now I just need women to start lowering their standards too.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I remember receiving a gag card years ago from a friend:

(Outside cover)
Happy Valentines Day!

(Inside cover)
I settled for You!

redarmyzombie July 3, 2012 at 5:36 am

"Lowered Expectaaatiooons…"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gt4StirOzc

rmjagg July 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm

McDonald's is expanding it's fast food / junk food menu to include blowjobs while u wait …

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Funny how discovering women can change a young man's mind.

OneDollarJuana July 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Apparently this kid got a girlfriend, and she schooled him. Right-wing hate is no way to get nookie.

Generation[redacted] July 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm

He probably learned that the first time he explained the conservative policy on abortion.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

At 13, girls have cooties.

At 17, girls have boobies.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

This kid figured out what his dick is for and decided he wanted to get laid sometime this decade. And I am cool with that.

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Tired of the GOP groping him.

carlgt1 July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

first the evil Chicago political machine threatened Chief Justice Roberts, now this kid….

vulpes82 July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I think someone got laid at 16.

Tyrannically_Joe July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

See, shit like this is exactly why the Texas GOP wants to outlaw critical thinking.

KotBR July 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Well, from 13 to 17 I made basically the same transition regarding my feelings on MC Hammer-so I get where the kid is coming from.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

When I was thirteen I had glasses, braces, the WORLD'S WORST PERM and was a socially awkward moron. Luckily I no longer have those first three things.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I saw a very lovely young woman yesterday who had braces – a mouthful of the clunky metal kind like you and I enjoyed during puberty. I was shocked that, in this day and age, orthodontists haven't come up with an affordable option that doesn't involve setting off the metal detectors at the airport.

ETA: Yes, there's Invisalign, but I don't think it's as cheap as the full metal mouth jacket.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Have you never seen the invisalign commercial with the twin girls, one with braces the other with invisalign? The invisalign one is all gloaty and smug to her poor brace-faced twin. Every time I see that commercial I want to slap that little bitch right in the face.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I haven't, but it sounds absolutely terrible. Most commercials featuring twins are terrible, though.

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Any commercial involving twins is gearing up for disaster.

See: Doublemint, et al.

Lascauxcaveman July 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Those doublemint commercials were OK. They just needed to be pornier, is all.

Baconzgood July 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

You’re really defeating yourself if you think you have all of your ideas in your head when you were 12 or 13.

-Grifter Palin-

FlownOver July 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Marjoe Gortner coulda told him this is how it goes. All the grownups wet themselves over your precocity at first, then you get a clue.

Awful People July 2, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I can't wait for the follow-up on the author of Heaven is for Real.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Ha! That would be so short and sweet.

"Uh, I was wrong. My bad."

Negropolis July 3, 2012 at 2:47 am

Now that was so grade A child abuse if you ask me, parading him out for the camera like that with visions of heaven that can be found in any Sunday sermon and children's bible.

owhatever July 2, 2012 at 1:24 pm

He has been given a speaking slot at the Dem Convention.

neiltheblaze July 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I see. He grew up. Good for him!

vag July 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Pussy change a man's brain. He'll swing back to the right once he can only orgasm to the sound of crying, tho. That's life, tho.

StanleyPain2 July 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Yet another piece of evidence that abandoning American Conservatism is simply a matter of growing the fuck up.

prommie July 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

More like sobering up.

a_pink_poodle July 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

He hasn't taken enough of his epilepsy medicine. Or too much. I forget how it is. The point is he hasn't taken the exact right amount.

AncienReggie July 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Little Grover Norquist was 10 when he dreamed up his tax pledge. And like Peter Pan, he never grew up.

Schmegeg July 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

And at 21? A seminary, perhaps?

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

ttommyunger musta took that boy out behind the woodshed.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Krohn also hates Prog now, and is way into The Ramones.

Nostrildamus July 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Conservatism embraces fear of change and so is appealing to kids raised in affluence because they know how vulnerable they are to change in the status quo. I started that way too.

Eve8Apples July 2, 2012 at 2:04 pm

He was the class of 2012 valedictorian at the Librule, soshule, NOBAMA!!!!111 re-edumacation camp.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Well, well! There's a whole lot of former obnoxious little Alex Keatons on this board, isn't there?

Negropolis July 3, 2012 at 2:49 am

I know, right? I was kind of surprised. It's like your're born a conservative in Real America, and then a plurality of them don't become a liberal until later in life.

krazyvladimir July 2, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Sean Hannity is weeping

Weenus299 July 2, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I did that shit. I was a southern kid all gizzed up about Ronald Reagan back in 1980, when I was nine. It took me about 6 1/2 years to realize that the old man was full of shit, Oliver North was a lying scumbag, and lots of other dinkus stuff I should've realized by age 12.

DahBoner July 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Conservatives need to open a new mall chain called Forever 13, dedicated to dressing every Conservative in fashions suitable for their 13 year old minds…

usuhname July 2, 2012 at 2:57 pm

"You know? I learnt something today"
Someone urgently aught to ruffle that kids hair.

StealthMuslin July 2, 2012 at 3:07 pm

There's a certain type of person who cheers 13 year-old political firebrands, swoons to child preachers and drags their kids to child beauty pageants. That type of person is not liberal. Good for this kid for making it over the wall.

savethispatient July 2, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Of course this was covered by Wonkette at the time… and we still have the old comments:

iwillsavethispatient February 27, 2009 at 7:13 pm:
Reminds me of William Hague at the Tory Party Conference in the 80s.

Which means, he’ll grow up, grow bald, and become a failing GOP party leader.

Seems like I may have been wrong. How is his hairline?

shortsandpants July 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm

17 is to old for a most GOP politicians, anyway.

proudgrampa July 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Oh my goodness. There IS hope for humanity!

Guppy July 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Seventeen year-old looks back on thirteen year-old self as immature. Stop the presses!

If he thinks it's bad now, wait until he hits 25 or so…

DinDCW4 July 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Sandusky's BIG Concern about all this Shit:

But…

Does he have hair on his cookie?

Naked_Bunny July 2, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Yeah, libertarianism sounded great to me when I was 12. Then I got a job and had to start paying bills.

Warpde July 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Yeah, right.
Con at 13.
Lib at 17.
Koch addict at 20.
Prostituting himself out for Kock at….er…20? 21? given the Rovian factor.
Full blown Con, again, at 22.
No, not that type of Con.
The Pink jumpsuit kind Sheriff Jose likes.
Rehab at 24 and finally….God forbid…..Tbagging for a rush at 27.

Politics are the drug my friends. Destroyer of lives.
They must be stopped.

ttommyunger July 2, 2012 at 7:56 pm

At 13 I was trying to find places to jerk off three or four times a day. At seventeen, there was no marked improvement. In fact, at 71 the only difference in my life is the decreased frequency. I only do the Wonkette thing to give my arm a rest.

Sassomatic July 2, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I was a communist when I was 6. Just didn't realize it until I discovered drugs.

Negropolis July 3, 2012 at 2:28 am

It’s a 13-year-old kid saying stuff that he had heard for a long time.… I live in Georgia.

This is the entire thread in a nut shell. I do feel sorry for him. Every one his age feels as if they know everything at that age. I look back on my middle school and early high school days in embarrassment. I was a nice person, and not conservative in my early politics at all, but I knew everything about my future and what I believed…and didn't know much of anything, at all.

redarmyzombie July 3, 2012 at 5:38 am

HA! Suck it, Texas!

lulzmonger July 3, 2012 at 11:34 am

"I didn't abandon conservatism, conservatism abandoned me … the minute I stopped being viable fap-bait for GOP pedos."

labman57 July 3, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Beck and Limbaugh will no doubt proclaim that his new points of view are the result of brainwashing and indoctrination by America-hating left-wing teachers while in high school.

PubOption July 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

If you listen to what he said in the video, and assume he meant it, his positions haven't changed that much. He appears to have to worked out that, particularly in Republican phraseology, the meaning is at variance with the words.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Awesome that you pointed that out!

Fare la Volpe July 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

They make that.

It's called porn.

Lascauxcaveman July 2, 2012 at 2:41 pm

See? The invisible hand of the market etc etc. And many much more plainly visible body parts, as well.

starfanglednut July 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I know! Isn't it great?

MittBorg July 2, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Oh, hell to the yeah! I remember the daily fistfights as I ran the gauntlet of all the little shits in the neighbourhood screaming abuse. It's a welcome change indeed.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: