It Is Official, Mitt Romney Is Christopher Walken From ‘The Wedding Crashers’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Mitt and Dack RomneyGood morning, Washington Post! What do you have for us this morning? Oh, three Internet pages on Mitt Romney’s family outings to Lake Winnipesaukee? (As Ann Romney noted, while calling Moochelle NoOBaMa an uppity bitch, they “have [their] own places” for summering.) And your reporter cannot even contain his terrible reporterly rage? Cool, let us read you.

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — This weekend, Mitt Romney is starting his annual summer vacation on his lakefront compound here — a week of fun and family, though not entirely carefree.

The Romneys, 30 in all these days, spend their time away from the stresses of everyday life — like, say, wrapping up the Republican nomination for president — by following a highly orchestrated, highly competitive regimen of sports and games known as the “Romney Olympics.”

The Romney Olympics have long included a mini-triathlon of biking, swimming and running that pits Mitt and his five sons and their wives against one another. But after Mitt once nearly finished last, behind a daughter-in-law who had given birth to her second child a couple of months earlier, the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot.

Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest, who can throw a football the farthest and who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes — not exactly the kind of events they’ll be giving out gold medals for in London this month.

Those sound like awesome Olympics. Later in the piece, there is a nice bit about “Papa” building a stage for the grandkids’ talent show, and making S’mores with them, so that is very nice.

Romney’s 13-acre estate features a six-bedroom house, a horse stable with guest apartments above it, a $630,000 boat house, tennis and volleyball courts and a shoreline stretching 768 feet, more than double the length of a football field, according to public property records.

But where will the 30 members of the Romney clan sleep?

It’s a property big enough to fit everyone, although the five sons have been e-mailing to negotiate sleeping arrangements. Some grandchildren will be relegated to couches and air mattresses.

They can’t even sleep 30 without couches and air mattresses? We hope all you Class Terrorists are sorry for accusing the Romneys of having gotten rich off of outsourced and offshored jobs. Clearly, they are making do like the rest of us. [WaPo]

 
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{ 197 comments }

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

Quick call Immigration! There's 30 illegal Messicans hiding out in New Hampshire.

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

The Romney Olympics have long included a mini-triathlon of biking, swimming and running

What? It doesn't include pillaging, raping and outsourcing?

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

And horse dancing?

GhostBuggy July 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? NOTE TO GUBMINT INTERNET MONITOR: This is a movie reference.

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 11:54 am

I think that's after the raping.

memzilla July 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

I have never wished harder for a plague of red ants and African termites to descend on a particular location in the US.

Pragmatist2 July 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

It's like Hunger Games, without the Hunger!

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

Do they feed the staff?

Biff July 2, 2012 at 11:47 am

To each other, yes.

An_Outhouse July 2, 2012 at 3:16 pm

They turn them into butter and having your face shoved into it/them is one of the events. Mitt always wins that one.

ChernobylSoup July 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

Mitt: You must purify yourself in the waters of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Appollonia: Go'way, creep.

edgydrifter July 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

Even without seeing the competition, I'd bet $10K Mitt wins gold in the "looking uncomfortable around the peasants" event every year.

nounverb911 July 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

"who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes"
Are the fingers still attached?

Sassomatic July 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

But don't you guys understand? Mitt Romney's plan is to have EVERYONE live like this. If you will only let him cut all taxes on the rich, soon everyone will have horse stables and a boathouse worth the lifetime income of a Wal-Mart worker.

KotBR July 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

Couches and air mattresses? Couldn't they just fire the maid and the gardener and use the servants quarters? I assumed that was just part of the Romney Olympics.

Dashboard Buddha July 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

Oh sure…the Romney's could have used the servant's quarters, but they'd never get the smell off of their clothes.

GunToting[Redacted] July 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Who would peel their grapes if the Help was let go?

SexySmurf July 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest

I thought Mormons weren't allowed to do that.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

The rich Reptiloids from another galaxy are not like you and I.
~

eggsacklywright July 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

OMG, what if they're Thetans and therefore secret Scientolololgisters? Mormonics = Scientologers. Yipes.

ratcityrebel July 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

You know, this man might actually be the most insufferable dick that has ever been a major party presidential nominee. Every report about him seems to magnify the fact that he's a total prick and a weirdo.

Dumbedup July 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

he doesn't even deny it, it's like he's proud to be a giant douchebag.

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

And yet the more these reports come out, the more they like him, for they dream of one day also becoming rich, weird pricks, and the Head Prick shall make that happen. Somehow.

kissawookiee July 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

They were going to add an event for who can cut the most hair off a closeted gay kid before he starts to cry, but that conflicted with the who can make the closeted gay kid cry the fastest competition.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

This is my favorite comment of the week.

ManchuCandidate July 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

Romney Festivus!

Feats of Strength
Airing of Grievances

Doktor Zoom July 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

He will restore dignity to the White House.

By being white.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

If you use the word summer as a verb, you have too much money.

James Michael Curley July 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

And if you use the word fall as a verb you are old and clumsy.

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"Winter" also. This may be the most apropos comment I have seen in a long, long time.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I don't know what that word means but thanks anyway!

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm

That's all right, I'm fairly sure I don't know what it means either.

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

I am still amazed at that "we have our own places for summering" quote from Ann Romney. Not only does it once again show how completely our of touch they are with the lives of normal, non-rich Americans, it's rather odd that she thinks it's somehow superior to return to the same place for vacation – or ah, "summering" – instead of visiting new, different places. The miserable, stuck up, snobby, nasty asshole.

MrFizzy July 2, 2012 at 11:39 am

Totally agree – I hope BO's campaign people plaster that shit all over every form of media from now until November. On some level I don't think Romney really wants to win the presidency. That would mean WAY to much work for the effete prick. I wish he and his nozzle of a wife would stay in Massachusetts or wherever the fuck that picture was taken. I nearly barfed when I saw that in the Post.

UnholyMoses July 2, 2012 at 11:47 am

Well, those Different Places are full of Different People.

The Romney's stay somewhere where the houses are all beige and the people white.

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

And the trees are all the right height.

Terry July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

"we have our own places for summering"

I summer in the exact same place I winter, except in years in which I'm lucky enough to be able to afford a few days in a hotel at the beach.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 11:56 am

Well, if you haven't been there before, how can you be sure it isn't infested with poors?

MissTaken July 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I too have a place for 'summering'. It's called the office building where my job is located, you insufferable dingle-berries. To get there I take a train 45 minutes each way on seats that smell like a wet dog's breath. I like to call it the 'BART Olympics'.

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You get to have fun in such contests as, "mad dash for the seat that just opened up", usually won by some big man who is willing to shove aside small women to get that seat.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Your prize is that you don't get shot by a random cop who only intended to completely unnecessarily tase you, or so he says.

MissTaken July 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Funny story! A couple of years ago my friend and I went to go watch the Blue Angels on Marina Green and we met a cute guy who volunteered to take our picture. As we chatted he mentioned that he was a BART cop. I immediately threw my hands up and sorta-not-really joked, "Please don't shoot me in the back!". He was not amused.

mayor_quimby July 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

You HAVE to swing at a slowball over the plate like that, good eye, slugger!

HogeyeGrex July 2, 2012 at 2:37 pm

At least they've gotten rid of much of the incredibly foul carpeting. Whoever had the idea of using porous surfaces for public transit needs to be flung into a hog farm waste lagoon.

janicket July 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

That's probably where they got the idea for the carpeting in the first place.

Goonemeritus July 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

By following a highly orchestrated, highly competitive regimen of sports and games known as the “Romney Olympics.”

Do you think if the American public built them an exact replica of Thunderdome they would take the hint?

SayItWithWookies July 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Except in this case, it's "Two Romneys enter, four Romneys leave."

noodlesalad July 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

His grandkids are lucky he's just changing the rules of Romneylimpics. If it was up to Mittens, he'd just outsource them all for some Indian grandkids. He could get more of them at the same cost, and they'd probably do better in math than his own brood.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Of course, if they did better than him, then he'd have to change the competition to involve something that only he can do. Like being unbearably awkward at all times.

noodlesalad July 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Stilted laughter! Uncoordinated arm movements! Standing next to a minority and/or poor person for more than 10 seconds!

Spurning Beer July 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

I thought that the term "Olympics" was a highly protected brand, with only the Special Olympics getting a pass. Mitt must know someone in the IOC.

Has he gotten polo included as an Olympic sport for this summer? He does love sport, and it would be a terrible shame for him to be restricted to enjoying dressage.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm

He ran the Winter Olympics, remember? (Unless that's the joke, in which case, heh.)

GunToting[Redacted] July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Unfortunately, the horses could never work out the ice skates.

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Actually, that's a great point. The USOC just recently came down hard on Ravelry (a knitting website) for their competition called the Ravelympics, and they were forced to change the name. But you got enough money to bribe donate to the IOC and suddenly there's no problem, I guess.

MrFizzy July 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

If there was nothing but Romneys there would be approximately 10 trillion white people on earth in a decade or so. Bastards can breed.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

Duh, Mormon.

Schmannnity July 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Romney Special Olympics.

prommie July 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Where did I leave the keys to the Firebird of Death? I got a box of RPGs somewhere around here. . . .

Doktor Zoom July 2, 2012 at 11:39 am

Cool, I bet Mitt loves Role Playing Games.

FakaktaSouth July 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

You already bitched out on that one. I took them keys and started way south of anywhere you know about.

and it's a god damned Camaro now

prommie July 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

It wouldn't happen to be a . . . . .Bichin Camaro?

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

"Last of the V8s" libel!

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

What you gotta do is infiltrate the staff at the Romney Summer Home, and then start pickin' 'em off one by one, like the Cajuns did in "Southern Comfort."

With votes!! In November!!

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Are Dressage and horse-fucking events?

YasserArraFeck July 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Fucking a horse during dressage would be more than an event in my eyes – it'd be a fucking miracle.

Not_So_Much July 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

I don't see anything about a car elevator for all those people and their vehicles. What a fucking dump.

BarackMyWorld July 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

He's just the son of a poor Mexican immigrant CEO/Nixon cabinet secretary.

Doktor Zoom July 2, 2012 at 11:39 am

One of my great disappointments when I moved to Idaho was finding out that, contrary to myth, not everyone here lives in a "compound." I've always wanted a compound. Instead, I have to settle for an Edifice Complex.

proudgrampa July 2, 2012 at 11:56 am

Well played, Sir!

LastGasp July 2, 2012 at 11:39 am

… the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot.
This underscores one of the unwritten rules for the upper class in America: If you lose, rewrite the rules so that next time, you have a better shot at winning.

Terry July 2, 2012 at 11:56 am

Well, he did come in last place behind a woman who'd recently given birth. His only choices were to change the rules or accept his abject loser-dom.

CrunchyKnee July 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

Just like the Romneys, I'm "summering" in a van down by the river. USA USA USA!

Blueb4sunrise July 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

You have an actual river?
Luxury!!!!!!!!
It might rain here in The Reconquista in a few days. We'll sit on the curb and watch the streets flood.

Tundra Grifter July 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"Into the Wild."

UW8316154 July 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

That sounds like a nice family vacation brought to you by The Citadel.

arihaya July 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

Mitt Romney, job creators. For baby sitters, maids, dish washers, janitors, butler, diaper cleaners and horse dung sweepers.

Ben Cisco July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

For the life of him, he cannot comprehend why us mere peasants won't accept our station in life.

Jus_Wonderin July 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

Fuck, his boathouse is worth four of my house(s). At least mine is paid for.

Billmatic July 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

So I crept into the compound
with a sponge and a rusty spanner
Mitt said, "I know you, you cannot sing."
I said, "That's nothing you should see me hammer."

HogeyeGrex July 2, 2012 at 2:50 pm
BarackMyWorld July 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

30 people? Let's see…Mitt and Ann, five son, five wives…that leaves 18 grandkids between 5 couples, which averages out to 3.6 kids per couple. Someone's been slacking off in the baby making department.

Butch_Wagstaff July 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

The family pic in the article confused me at first. I thought "How many wives does Romney have?"

Aridzona July 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

And the gold medal for Flip-Flopping goes to . . .

UW8316154 July 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

Dontcha just hope that a few of the kids are smoking a j behind the boathouse, while a couple of distant cousins are making out in the woods?

Or am I just projecting?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ July 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

We're at fault? Well maybe the Romneys could put some of their Chinee labor to work and make more air mattresses. It ain't like these people don't get laid.

chascates July 2, 2012 at 11:44 am

…spend their time away from the stresses of everyday life… Any family who has a 'compound' doesn't suffer from any stresses of everyday life.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Unless their "compound" is a couple of blocks from the Pakistani Military Training School.

arihaya July 2, 2012 at 11:44 am

So many cousins !! What is this? Summer vacation or incest party?

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

So THAT'S how he makes all his money these days.

FlownOver July 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Hey, Mitt – can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis? A country's gotta have its standards.

proudgrampa July 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

Can you hammer a six-inch spike THROUGH your penis, onto a board?

Fixed.

AutomaticPilot July 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

His Jesus Jammies might be too constrictive.

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

So. Does this Olympics receive millions in Federal bailouts like the Utah Olympics? Oh, right, of course. The tax code. I forgot.

neiltheblaze July 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

This year, I'm summering in my apartment!

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

Hey, right now I'm summering at my parents' house! Though we just called it dog- and cat-sitting while they're on vacation.

viennawoods13 July 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'm going to Porta Backyarda and Verandah Beach!

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I have a hammock in my backyard. I'm practically the 1%!

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

No doubt you have a refrigerator too, you wealthy SOB.

BoatOfVelociraptors July 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Tree Slavery! Next you'll be stringing up a tire.

BigSkullF*ckingDog July 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

It's on a stand cause the trees in my yard are not the right height!

emmelemm July 2, 2012 at 9:22 pm

You have a yard?

fartknocker July 2, 2012 at 11:47 am

What, no game of "pin the pink slip on the American Worker." I thought they have a campfire, have all the kids make smores and based on the worker's age, the children can fire the old ones.

Biff July 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

Oh for fuck's Pete's sake!

SoBeach July 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

Come on. They're just like everyone else. Everyone else they know.

JustPixelz July 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

He changed the events so he could win. But why didn't he just require a player ID. Or maybe allow unlimited donations bribes to the judges. He's obviously not a true Repubican.

JustPixelz July 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

Hey MItt! Here's an event you can try. Give all 30 family members cancer or heart disease or AIDs. Then hide 25 health insurance policies around the compound. Whoever finds a policy gets to live.

Blueb4sunrise July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

This is brilliant.

Nothingisamiss July 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

They get to live, but then the bills for what the insurance company doesn't want to pay shows up. At Christmas 12 of the 25 family members get sent to debtor's prison.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

When our extended family (really, just a few cousins) used to get together for various Thanksgivings, the parents used to force us into family tournaments that involved volleyball (parents ALWAYS cheated), charades (more cheating) and a variety of card games. Now that we are ALL adults, we just drink ourselves into a stupor. Way better.

fartknocker July 2, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Agree. A the last family event, we shot guns, turn it into a big play day for the kids and the dogs, smoke some meat, and drank refreshing alcoholic beverages. It's a helluva lot more fun than a sack race.

UnholyMoses July 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

A person making minimum wage would have to work 43 years to GROSS enough income — not take home pay, but pre-tax income — to afford the Romney's boathouse.

Not the real house where the people actually stay a few weeks a year.

The boathouse.

What a majorly, historically fucked up nation we have when the boats of the wealthy get better accommodations than a vast majority of the people.

Just … fuck.

butlerdi July 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Just shut the fuck up and eat your cake.

Serfs Up
–Sparticus

AfredENewman July 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

you would really blow a gasket if you saw how those dressage horses are waited on, with spas, swimming pools, alternative health care and horsy psychologists…

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Pre-groceries, too, I'm guessing. Not all "disposable" income is "discretionary", and the less of the former you have, the smaller the proportion the latter makes.

Dumbedup July 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

you should self report to Allen West that you may have socialistic tendencies and a problem with a man enjoying the life he has earned by the sweat of his brow! Or someones brow, but his stuff!!

UnholyMoses July 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I wish I would have that much money thanks the sweat of my dad's brow … and the brow's of all the people who actually worked at the companies I bought and then sold (sweat that's now being made by seven-year-old Chinese kids, and at a tenth of the price!) … and the sweat I work up after opening all of those envelopes containing my millions of dollars in "consulting" fees I get without ever consulting …

**sigh**

But I had a working-class dad.

Oh, and a soul.

AbandonHope July 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

That damned soul ALWAYS gets in the way of avarice… so annoying!

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

Also, too: The Romneys could not possibly be any whiter if they tried.

Ben Cisco July 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

White to the point of translucence.
Sherwin-Williams uses them as a reference for mixing paint.

Blueb4sunrise July 2, 2012 at 11:54 am

Where's the Pinatas, Bitches?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

I hope the millions dying of heat exhaustion due to the 100+ degree days with no AC can appreciate how nice it would be to be in the 1%.

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Something to aspire to.

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Or expire to- or at least perspire to…

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

They have some vague comprehension of that.

What they need to understand is that they will never, ever be in the 1%. Ever. And they should vote on that understanding.

UnholyMoses July 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

But they will instead vote based on spite in an attempt to make sure not a single penny goes to help Those Not Like Them. Because those people are unworthy, lazy shiftabouts who deserve to be poor.

Trust me — I don't understand it, either.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I'm sure that tl;dr first post this morning explains it, but, well, tl;dr.

Butch_Wagstaff July 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm

A few hours ago I was reading about the neighborhoods in DC that haven't had any power in four days. Guess who mostly lives in those neighborhoods?

actor212 July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest, who can throw a football the farthest and who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes — not exactly the kind of events they’ll be giving out gold medals for in London this month.

Not even the "special" Olympics?

Antispandex July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

"The Romney's would like to set the example for the rest of America, who will also be living 30 to a home, under Mitt's economic policies". That's, I believe, the setup here. Call all of your relatives and tell them it's 1930 again!.

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I don't have to all them. They're in the basement now.

mavenmaven July 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

"they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest"
oh, so their summer home has internet porn.

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

Bishop Willard and his brood, escaping the everyday stresses of seeing their dying countrymen.

fuflans July 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

yeah, but christopher walken scares the bejesus out of me.

mitt romney merely annoys the hell out of me.

James Michael Curley July 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

He (Christopher Walken) was at a table in Joe Allen's once twenty years ago. He hacks when he laughs, 'hack, hack, hack.' The whole place got quite. Soup chilled on the waiter's trays. Thirty years ago and the only think I knew him from was Annie Hall and Deer Hunter.

viennawoods13 July 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

But dayum that man can dance.

James Michael Curley July 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Needs more cowbell.

Biff July 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

NOlympics!

Back to "summering" on the fucking outskirts of Death Valley…

fuflans July 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

balls of fury

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Jesus, it's the Mormon Highland Games!

proudgrampa July 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

And at cocktail hour (or whatever passes for cocktail hour in this weird family), they stand around and wonder how the poor people are doing today.

Jesus H. Christ.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I believe it's mocktail hour. Or maybe just milk hour.

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Even when life DOESN'T hand them lemons they make lemonade.

Estproph July 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I am fundamentally opposed to anyone who uses the word "summer" as a verb.

YasserArraFeck July 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Whatever about the other events, Mittens is a shoo-in for the Endurance Fence-Sitting medal

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

"…But after Mitt once nearly finished last, behind a daughter-in-law who had given birth to her second child a couple of months earlier, the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot."

Why didn't he just can her? I thought Mitt liked firing bitches that provide services to his family.

Also, did he finish last or "nearly" finish last? The SOB even flip-flops in family anecdotes.

Beowoof July 2, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Really, Wedding Crashers, no way, Mitt is Christopher Walken in True Romance.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Or maybe Christopher Walken in View To A Kill. Can't wait for the ending.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm

You know who else had a compound?

Biff July 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Me.

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Osama?

not that Radio July 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

The Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Company?

SorosBot July 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Hydrogen and Oxygen?

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

David Koresh?

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Doesn't sound as fun as the Kennedy Olympics: a long weekend of touch football, drug abuse, skirt-chasing and beach-rape.

Too soon?

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Beach rape is a much more complicated event that you might think… due to sand.

mayor_quimby July 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm

A joke about football on skis would have been too soon, this one is right on time.

calliecallie July 2, 2012 at 12:16 pm

To be fair, doesn't this sound a little like the Kennedy clan? Touch football on the lawn and all that.

Hammiepants July 2, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I guess it's too much to hope that a Jason-like mass murderer still haunts the woods at Camp Whitey McWhitester?

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Well, you gotta have some sympathy for the Rmoney kids then. Sounds like they are stuck with being around the elders all the time.

Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I suspect you have had a much more well-rounded life experience education than any of the Rmoneys.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I suspect JvG's had a much more well-round life experience education than all of the Rmoneys put together.

Sassomatic July 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So I had to come to this post to complain about how the most recent one a) contains what appears to be journalism with no dick jokes at all and b) has the comments turned off. What tyranny is this? OCCUPY WONKETTE.

not that Radio July 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Geminisunmars July 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm

They need to add an event to their games: who can erase the etch-a-sketch the fastest. Might as well start them practicing early in their lives.

Chow Yun Flat July 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest

Which actually means which male Romney can keep his member in a semi-engorged condition the longest before it becomes flaccid.

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

"hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes"

It's actually "hammer the most wives in 30 minutes", but WaPo was asked to play down the Mormon angle.

johnnyzhivago July 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

The milk and ice-tea bills alone for a Romney family get together must be astronomical.

anniegetyerfun July 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Who won the Awkward Facial Expression contest? I'm dying to know!

SayItWithWookies July 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

For $630,000 I certainly hope Mitt's boathouse has an elevator.

vtxmcrider July 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Mitt is planning to have locks installed on the lake.

GhostBuggy July 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO from the Romneys' Laff-O-Lympics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqObJtGrKaA

b[redact]opple July 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Not to change the subject, but has anyone mentioned the news of how Romney used to own an aborted-fetus-disposal company, and lied about when he left Bain Capital? It is in Mother Jones, today!

Ducksworthy July 2, 2012 at 1:24 pm

To be fair, those aborted Fetuses(feti?) were recycled into hair gel so its not as bad as it sounds.

Boojum July 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

OK, with apologies to people with Asperger's Syndrome , it appears you are going to have to accept Mitt into your ranks.

"The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture."

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Mitt also happens to have Assburger's Syndrome: Making obnoxious statements to others in social and professional situations, as if a fresh turd is top sirloin.

viennawoods13 July 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Yeah, but I thought that most Aspergers have way above-average intelligence.

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Nope, that's a myth which started to spread with Rain Man. From wikipedia: "Although most students with AS/HFA have average mathematical ability and test slightly worse in mathematics than in general intelligence, some are gifted in mathematics and AS has not prevented some adults from major accomplishments such as winning the Nobel Prize."

Diagnosis with AS is precluded if there's significant delay in cognitive development, so you have to be at least in the normal range of intelligence to be diagnosed. The tendency towards obsessive focus can help those with AS obtain a level of proficiency in a narrow area that others of the same intelligence but with broader interests (and more easily distracted) would not.

Nostrildamus July 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Too bad there are no Olympic events in entitlement, soporificity and whiteness. Willard would medal for sure.

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

30-way tie?

Chet Kincaid July 2, 2012 at 2:41 pm

But dressage is, in fact, in the Olympics!

rickmaci July 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

For decades, Romoney has been grooming himself and then his family so they could present themselves to the public with this facade as the Republican version of the Kennedy family. Mittenz, needs to get over himself already. Anyway, IMHO, it wasn't the touch football games at Hyannis Port that made the Kennedys so fascinating to the public. It was the other stuff, the racy, glamorous and sometimes seedy other stuff that made them seem so human and flawed like the rest of us. That was the part that drew us to the Kennedy boys. Romoney doesn't get it: a copy of the original is just that, a fake.

HogeyeGrex July 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Yup. Just like Dubya's transparently cynical brush clearing exercises to make him look Reaganesque.

With the Kennedys, there were actual people involved. Actually interesting people. Who had positions on things and took stands on meaningful issues. Rmoney, otoh, is the contentless Kardashian of politics.

BlueStateLibel July 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

They missed the other sports event Mitt added to the festivities – Who-Can-Hand-Out-Pink-Slips-the-Fastest. Mitt takes the Gold Medal for it every year.

LOL, that he got his ass whipped by woman. Next, in November, he'll find out what it's like to get his ass whipped by a black man.

Wadisay July 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

"Summering" with the Romneys…and there isn't even beer to relieve the tedium.

scvirginia July 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

S'okay- there's no coffee to keep you awa-ZZZZZZZZZZZ

mayor_quimby July 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I would totally 'summer' with the R-moneys if I could attend all these private family meetings on their futures. Oh, and if I was ALWAYS rip-shit drunk with a camera running in the room. I'd be the voice of the people – like "Tagg, you do know your name makes people want to shit in your gas tank just on GP, right?"
Or I get to run a whole week, like Wife Swap – "Looks like tonight's game night activity is Drunken Uno, watch out for those Draw Four cards, you bunch of lightweights will never have a chance"

vodkamuppet July 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

" who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes"

I had to read that 5 times to make sure I read it right.

Come here a minute July 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm

…a horse stable with guest apartments above it…

Uhh…thanks Mitt but I'll just sleep in the boathouse.

vtxmcrider July 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

A Romney son is quoted in a NYT article about "summering" in Wolfeboro, NH:

“We hope we can stay as low-profile as possible,” Josh Romney said. “And in reality, we hope America doesn’t discover how cool this place is, because we love having it to ourselves.”

The arrogant little prick thinks the place belongs to his family, even though there have been native residents living there long before this clan even knew Wolfeboro existed. Truly a family of several pricks and one cunt.

Tundra Grifter July 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

The (r)Money Olympics reminds me of the Upperclass Twit of the Year competition – jump over a matchbox, slam a cardoor at 2pm and wake up the neighbors, stuff like that.

Guppy July 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Clearly Mitt needs more broccoli in his diet.

Arugula and push-ups probably wouldn't hurt, either.

swordfis July 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I foresee a time when no true American will be able to say the name, "Mitt Romney" without snickering.

ttommyunger July 2, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Accounts like this make me glad no one in my family ever had money….Summer with that crew? I'd rather be in Hell with a broken back.

fctimes July 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

I must challenge the fallacious assertion of your headline. I think the article makes quite clear that Romney is actually Eugene Levy from "Cheaper by the Dozen 2."

sullivanst July 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Hope it's well stocked, even revolutionaries can be patient.

HogeyeGrex July 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

It's only sized for fifteen. Fucking the other half out of their lives and abandoning them to the fates is the highlight of the Romney Olympics. It's the event that Mitt's best at.

doloras July 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

We are officially back in the 20s, when factory owners kept worker uniforms in their closet in case the revolution broke out and they had to sneak out undetected.

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