to mitt romney everything looks like a nail

It Is Official, Mitt Romney Is Christopher Walken From ‘The Wedding Crashers’

Mitt and Dack RomneyGood morning, Washington Post! What do you have for us this morning? Oh, three Internet pages on Mitt Romney’s family outings to Lake Winnipesaukee? (As Ann Romney noted, while calling Moochelle NoOBaMa an uppity bitch, they “have [their] own places” for summering.) And your reporter cannot even contain his terrible reporterly rage? Cool, let us read you.

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — This weekend, Mitt Romney is starting his annual summer vacation on his lakefront compound here — a week of fun and family, though not entirely carefree.

The Romneys, 30 in all these days, spend their time away from the stresses of everyday life — like, say, wrapping up the Republican nomination for president — by following a highly orchestrated, highly competitive regimen of sports and games known as the “Romney Olympics.”

The Romney Olympics have long included a mini-triathlon of biking, swimming and running that pits Mitt and his five sons and their wives against one another. But after Mitt once nearly finished last, behind a daughter-in-law who had given birth to her second child a couple of months earlier, the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot.

Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest, who can throw a football the farthest and who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes — not exactly the kind of events they’ll be giving out gold medals for in London this month.

Those sound like awesome Olympics. Later in the piece, there is a nice bit about “Papa” building a stage for the grandkids’ talent show, and making S’mores with them, so that is very nice.

Romney’s 13-acre estate features a six-bedroom house, a horse stable with guest apartments above it, a $630,000 boat house, tennis and volleyball courts and a shoreline stretching 768 feet, more than double the length of a football field, according to public property records.

But where will the 30 members of the Romney clan sleep?

It’s a property big enough to fit everyone, although the five sons have been e-mailing to negotiate sleeping arrangements. Some grandchildren will be relegated to couches and air mattresses.

They can’t even sleep 30 without couches and air mattresses? We hope all you Class Terrorists are sorry for accusing the Romneys of having gotten rich off of outsourced and offshored jobs. Clearly, they are making do like the rest of us. [WaPo]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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197 comments

  1. actor212

    The Romney Olympics have long included a mini-triathlon of biking, swimming and running

    What? It doesn't include pillaging, raping and outsourcing?

      1. GhostBuggy

        They Shoot Horses, Don't They? NOTE TO GUBMINT INTERNET MONITOR: This is a movie reference.

  2. memzilla

    I have never wished harder for a plague of red ants and African termites to descend on a particular location in the US.

      1. An_Outhouse

        They turn them into butter and having your face shoved into it/them is one of the events. Mitt always wins that one.

  3. ChernobylSoup

    Mitt: You must purify yourself in the waters of Lake Winnipesaukee.

    Appollonia: Go'way, creep.

  4. edgydrifter

    Even without seeing the competition, I'd bet $10K Mitt wins gold in the "looking uncomfortable around the peasants" event every year.

  5. nounverb911

    "who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes"
    Are the fingers still attached?

  6. Sassomatic

    But don't you guys understand? Mitt Romney's plan is to have EVERYONE live like this. If you will only let him cut all taxes on the rich, soon everyone will have horse stables and a boathouse worth the lifetime income of a Wal-Mart worker.

  7. KotBR

    Couches and air mattresses? Couldn't they just fire the maid and the gardener and use the servants quarters? I assumed that was just part of the Romney Olympics.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Oh sure…the Romney's could have used the servant's quarters, but they'd never get the smell off of their clothes.

  8. SexySmurf

    Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest

    I thought Mormons weren't allowed to do that.

    1. eggsacklywright

      OMG, what if they're Thetans and therefore secret Scientolololgisters? Mormonics = Scientologers. Yipes.

  9. ratcityrebel

    You know, this man might actually be the most insufferable dick that has ever been a major party presidential nominee. Every report about him seems to magnify the fact that he's a total prick and a weirdo.

    1. AbandonHope

      And yet the more these reports come out, the more they like him, for they dream of one day also becoming rich, weird pricks, and the Head Prick shall make that happen. Somehow.

  10. kissawookiee

    They were going to add an event for who can cut the most hair off a closeted gay kid before he starts to cry, but that conflicted with the who can make the closeted gay kid cry the fastest competition.

    1. AbandonHope

      "Winter" also. This may be the most apropos comment I have seen in a long, long time.

  11. SorosBot

    I am still amazed at that "we have our own places for summering" quote from Ann Romney. Not only does it once again show how completely our of touch they are with the lives of normal, non-rich Americans, it's rather odd that she thinks it's somehow superior to return to the same place for vacation – or ah, "summering" – instead of visiting new, different places. The miserable, stuck up, snobby, nasty asshole.

    1. MrFizzy

      Totally agree – I hope BO's campaign people plaster that shit all over every form of media from now until November. On some level I don't think Romney really wants to win the presidency. That would mean WAY to much work for the effete prick. I wish he and his nozzle of a wife would stay in Massachusetts or wherever the fuck that picture was taken. I nearly barfed when I saw that in the Post.

    2. UnholyMoses

      Well, those Different Places are full of Different People.

      The Romney's stay somewhere where the houses are all beige and the people white.

    3. Terry

      "we have our own places for summering"

      I summer in the exact same place I winter, except in years in which I'm lucky enough to be able to afford a few days in a hotel at the beach.

    4. sullivanst

      Well, if you haven't been there before, how can you be sure it isn't infested with poors?

    5. MissTaken

      I too have a place for 'summering'. It's called the office building where my job is located, you insufferable dingle-berries. To get there I take a train 45 minutes each way on seats that smell like a wet dog's breath. I like to call it the 'BART Olympics'.

      1. SorosBot

        You get to have fun in such contests as, "mad dash for the seat that just opened up", usually won by some big man who is willing to shove aside small women to get that seat.

      2. sullivanst

        Your prize is that you don't get shot by a random cop who only intended to completely unnecessarily tase you, or so he says.

        1. MissTaken

          Funny story! A couple of years ago my friend and I went to go watch the Blue Angels on Marina Green and we met a cute guy who volunteered to take our picture. As we chatted he mentioned that he was a BART cop. I immediately threw my hands up and sorta-not-really joked, "Please don't shoot me in the back!". He was not amused.

      3. HogeyeGrex

        At least they've gotten rid of much of the incredibly foul carpeting. Whoever had the idea of using porous surfaces for public transit needs to be flung into a hog farm waste lagoon.

  12. Goonemeritus

    By following a highly orchestrated, highly competitive regimen of sports and games known as the “Romney Olympics.”

    Do you think if the American public built them an exact replica of Thunderdome they would take the hint?

  13. noodlesalad

    His grandkids are lucky he's just changing the rules of Romneylimpics. If it was up to Mittens, he'd just outsource them all for some Indian grandkids. He could get more of them at the same cost, and they'd probably do better in math than his own brood.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Of course, if they did better than him, then he'd have to change the competition to involve something that only he can do. Like being unbearably awkward at all times.

      1. noodlesalad

        Stilted laughter! Uncoordinated arm movements! Standing next to a minority and/or poor person for more than 10 seconds!

  14. Spurning Beer

    I thought that the term "Olympics" was a highly protected brand, with only the Special Olympics getting a pass. Mitt must know someone in the IOC.

    Has he gotten polo included as an Olympic sport for this summer? He does love sport, and it would be a terrible shame for him to be restricted to enjoying dressage.

    1. AbandonHope

      Actually, that's a great point. The USOC just recently came down hard on Ravelry (a knitting website) for their competition called the Ravelympics, and they were forced to change the name. But you got enough money to bribe donate to the IOC and suddenly there's no problem, I guess.

  15. MrFizzy

    If there was nothing but Romneys there would be approximately 10 trillion white people on earth in a decade or so. Bastards can breed.

  16. prommie

    Where did I leave the keys to the Firebird of Death? I got a box of RPGs somewhere around here. . . .

    1. FakaktaSouth

      You already bitched out on that one. I took them keys and started way south of anywhere you know about.

      and it's a god damned Camaro now

    2. Chet Kincaid

      What you gotta do is infiltrate the staff at the Romney Summer Home, and then start pickin' 'em off one by one, like the Cajuns did in "Southern Comfort."

      With votes!! In November!!

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Fucking a horse during dressage would be more than an event in my eyes – it'd be a fucking miracle.

  17. Not_So_Much

    I don't see anything about a car elevator for all those people and their vehicles. What a fucking dump.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    One of my great disappointments when I moved to Idaho was finding out that, contrary to myth, not everyone here lives in a "compound." I've always wanted a compound. Instead, I have to settle for an Edifice Complex.

  19. LastGasp

    … the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot.
    This underscores one of the unwritten rules for the upper class in America: If you lose, rewrite the rules so that next time, you have a better shot at winning.

    1. Terry

      Well, he did come in last place behind a woman who'd recently given birth. His only choices were to change the rules or accept his abject loser-dom.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      You have an actual river?
      Luxury!!!!!!!!
      It might rain here in The Reconquista in a few days. We'll sit on the curb and watch the streets flood.

  20. arihaya

    Mitt Romney, job creators. For baby sitters, maids, dish washers, janitors, butler, diaper cleaners and horse dung sweepers.

  21. Billmatic

    So I crept into the compound
    with a sponge and a rusty spanner
    Mitt said, "I know you, you cannot sing."
    I said, "That's nothing you should see me hammer."

  22. BarackMyWorld

    30 people? Let's see…Mitt and Ann, five son, five wives…that leaves 18 grandkids between 5 couples, which averages out to 3.6 kids per couple. Someone's been slacking off in the baby making department.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      The family pic in the article confused me at first. I thought "How many wives does Romney have?"

  23. UW8316154

    Dontcha just hope that a few of the kids are smoking a j behind the boathouse, while a couple of distant cousins are making out in the woods?

    Or am I just projecting?

  24. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    We're at fault? Well maybe the Romneys could put some of their Chinee labor to work and make more air mattresses. It ain't like these people don't get laid.

  25. chascates

    …spend their time away from the stresses of everyday life… Any family who has a 'compound' doesn't suffer from any stresses of everyday life.

  26. Ducksworthy

    So. Does this Olympics receive millions in Federal bailouts like the Utah Olympics? Oh, right, of course. The tax code. I forgot.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, right now I'm summering at my parents' house! Though we just called it dog- and cat-sitting while they're on vacation.

  27. fartknocker

    What, no game of "pin the pink slip on the American Worker." I thought they have a campfire, have all the kids make smores and based on the worker's age, the children can fire the old ones.

  28. JustPixelz

    He changed the events so he could win. But why didn't he just require a player ID. Or maybe allow unlimited donations bribes to the judges. He's obviously not a true Repubican.

  29. JustPixelz

    Hey MItt! Here's an event you can try. Give all 30 family members cancer or heart disease or AIDs. Then hide 25 health insurance policies around the compound. Whoever finds a policy gets to live.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      They get to live, but then the bills for what the insurance company doesn't want to pay shows up. At Christmas 12 of the 25 family members get sent to debtor's prison.

  30. anniegetyerfun

    When our extended family (really, just a few cousins) used to get together for various Thanksgivings, the parents used to force us into family tournaments that involved volleyball (parents ALWAYS cheated), charades (more cheating) and a variety of card games. Now that we are ALL adults, we just drink ourselves into a stupor. Way better.

    1. fartknocker

      Agree. A the last family event, we shot guns, turn it into a big play day for the kids and the dogs, smoke some meat, and drank refreshing alcoholic beverages. It's a helluva lot more fun than a sack race.

  31. UnholyMoses

    A person making minimum wage would have to work 43 years to GROSS enough income — not take home pay, but pre-tax income — to afford the Romney's boathouse.

    Not the real house where the people actually stay a few weeks a year.

    The boathouse.

    What a majorly, historically fucked up nation we have when the boats of the wealthy get better accommodations than a vast majority of the people.

    Just … fuck.

    1. AfredENewman

      you would really blow a gasket if you saw how those dressage horses are waited on, with spas, swimming pools, alternative health care and horsy psychologists…

    2. sullivanst

      Pre-groceries, too, I'm guessing. Not all "disposable" income is "discretionary", and the less of the former you have, the smaller the proportion the latter makes.

    3. Dumbedup

      you should self report to Allen West that you may have socialistic tendencies and a problem with a man enjoying the life he has earned by the sweat of his brow! Or someones brow, but his stuff!!

      1. UnholyMoses

        I wish I would have that much money thanks the sweat of my dad's brow … and the brow's of all the people who actually worked at the companies I bought and then sold (sweat that's now being made by seven-year-old Chinese kids, and at a tenth of the price!) … and the sweat I work up after opening all of those envelopes containing my millions of dollars in "consulting" fees I get without ever consulting …

        **sigh**

        But I had a working-class dad.

        Oh, and a soul.

  32. Ducksworthy

    I hope the millions dying of heat exhaustion due to the 100+ degree days with no AC can appreciate how nice it would be to be in the 1%.

    1. sullivanst

      They have some vague comprehension of that.

      What they need to understand is that they will never, ever be in the 1%. Ever. And they should vote on that understanding.

      1. UnholyMoses

        But they will instead vote based on spite in an attempt to make sure not a single penny goes to help Those Not Like Them. Because those people are unworthy, lazy shiftabouts who deserve to be poor.

        Trust me — I don't understand it, either.

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      A few hours ago I was reading about the neighborhoods in DC that haven't had any power in four days. Guess who mostly lives in those neighborhoods?

  33. actor212

    Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest, who can throw a football the farthest and who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes — not exactly the kind of events they’ll be giving out gold medals for in London this month.

    Not even the "special" Olympics?

  34. Antispandex

    "The Romney's would like to set the example for the rest of America, who will also be living 30 to a home, under Mitt's economic policies". That's, I believe, the setup here. Call all of your relatives and tell them it's 1930 again!.

  35. mavenmaven

    "they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest"
    oh, so their summer home has internet porn.

  36. Ducksworthy

    Bishop Willard and his brood, escaping the everyday stresses of seeing their dying countrymen.

    1. James Michael Curley

      He (Christopher Walken) was at a table in Joe Allen's once twenty years ago. He hacks when he laughs, 'hack, hack, hack.' The whole place got quite. Soup chilled on the waiter's trays. Thirty years ago and the only think I knew him from was Annie Hall and Deer Hunter.

  37. proudgrampa

    And at cocktail hour (or whatever passes for cocktail hour in this weird family), they stand around and wonder how the poor people are doing today.

    Jesus H. Christ.

  38. YasserArraFeck

    Whatever about the other events, Mittens is a shoo-in for the Endurance Fence-Sitting medal

  39. Chet Kincaid

    "…But after Mitt once nearly finished last, behind a daughter-in-law who had given birth to her second child a couple of months earlier, the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot."

    Why didn't he just can her? I thought Mitt liked firing bitches that provide services to his family.

    Also, did he finish last or "nearly" finish last? The SOB even flip-flops in family anecdotes.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Beach rape is a much more complicated event that you might think… due to sand.

    2. mayor_quimby

      A joke about football on skis would have been too soon, this one is right on time.

  40. calliecallie

    To be fair, doesn't this sound a little like the Kennedy clan? Touch football on the lawn and all that.

  41. Geminisunmars

    Well, you gotta have some sympathy for the Rmoney kids then. Sounds like they are stuck with being around the elders all the time.

    1. Geminisunmars

      I suspect you have had a much more well-rounded life experience education than any of the Rmoneys.

      1. sullivanst

        I suspect JvG's had a much more well-round life experience education than all of the Rmoneys put together.

  42. Sassomatic

    So I had to come to this post to complain about how the most recent one a) contains what appears to be journalism with no dick jokes at all and b) has the comments turned off. What tyranny is this? OCCUPY WONKETTE.

  43. Geminisunmars

    They need to add an event to their games: who can erase the etch-a-sketch the fastest. Might as well start them practicing early in their lives.

  44. Chow Yun Flat

    Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest

    Which actually means which male Romney can keep his member in a semi-engorged condition the longest before it becomes flaccid.

  45. Chet Kincaid

    "hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes"

    It's actually "hammer the most wives in 30 minutes", but WaPo was asked to play down the Mormon angle.

  46. b[redact]opple

    Not to change the subject, but has anyone mentioned the news of how Romney used to own an aborted-fetus-disposal company, and lied about when he left Bain Capital? It is in Mother Jones, today!

    1. Ducksworthy

      To be fair, those aborted Fetuses(feti?) were recycled into hair gel so its not as bad as it sounds.

  47. Boojum

    OK, with apologies to people with Asperger's Syndrome , it appears you are going to have to accept Mitt into your ranks.

    "The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome. Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture."

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Mitt also happens to have Assburger's Syndrome: Making obnoxious statements to others in social and professional situations, as if a fresh turd is top sirloin.

    2. viennawoods13

      Yeah, but I thought that most Aspergers have way above-average intelligence.

      1. sullivanst

        Nope, that's a myth which started to spread with Rain Man. From wikipedia: "Although most students with AS/HFA have average mathematical ability and test slightly worse in mathematics than in general intelligence, some are gifted in mathematics and AS has not prevented some adults from major accomplishments such as winning the Nobel Prize."

        Diagnosis with AS is precluded if there's significant delay in cognitive development, so you have to be at least in the normal range of intelligence to be diagnosed. The tendency towards obsessive focus can help those with AS obtain a level of proficiency in a narrow area that others of the same intelligence but with broader interests (and more easily distracted) would not.

  48. Nostrildamus

    Too bad there are no Olympic events in entitlement, soporificity and whiteness. Willard would medal for sure.

  49. rickmaci

    For decades, Romoney has been grooming himself and then his family so they could present themselves to the public with this facade as the Republican version of the Kennedy family. Mittenz, needs to get over himself already. Anyway, IMHO, it wasn't the touch football games at Hyannis Port that made the Kennedys so fascinating to the public. It was the other stuff, the racy, glamorous and sometimes seedy other stuff that made them seem so human and flawed like the rest of us. That was the part that drew us to the Kennedy boys. Romoney doesn't get it: a copy of the original is just that, a fake.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Yup. Just like Dubya's transparently cynical brush clearing exercises to make him look Reaganesque.

      With the Kennedys, there were actual people involved. Actually interesting people. Who had positions on things and took stands on meaningful issues. Rmoney, otoh, is the contentless Kardashian of politics.

  50. BlueStateLibel

    They missed the other sports event Mitt added to the festivities – Who-Can-Hand-Out-Pink-Slips-the-Fastest. Mitt takes the Gold Medal for it every year.

    LOL, that he got his ass whipped by woman. Next, in November, he'll find out what it's like to get his ass whipped by a black man.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I would totally 'summer' with the R-moneys if I could attend all these private family meetings on their futures. Oh, and if I was ALWAYS rip-shit drunk with a camera running in the room. I'd be the voice of the people – like "Tagg, you do know your name makes people want to shit in your gas tank just on GP, right?"
      Or I get to run a whole week, like Wife Swap – "Looks like tonight's game night activity is Drunken Uno, watch out for those Draw Four cards, you bunch of lightweights will never have a chance"

  51. vodkamuppet

    " who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes"

    I had to read that 5 times to make sure I read it right.

  52. Come here a minute

    …a horse stable with guest apartments above it…

    Uhh…thanks Mitt but I'll just sleep in the boathouse.

  53. vtxmcrider

    A Romney son is quoted in a NYT article about "summering" in Wolfeboro, NH:

    “We hope we can stay as low-profile as possible,” Josh Romney said. “And in reality, we hope America doesn’t discover how cool this place is, because we love having it to ourselves.”

    The arrogant little prick thinks the place belongs to his family, even though there have been native residents living there long before this clan even knew Wolfeboro existed. Truly a family of several pricks and one cunt.

  54. Tundra Grifter

    The (r)Money Olympics reminds me of the Upperclass Twit of the Year competition – jump over a matchbox, slam a cardoor at 2pm and wake up the neighbors, stuff like that.

  55. Guppy

    Clearly Mitt needs more broccoli in his diet.

    Arugula and push-ups probably wouldn't hurt, either.

  56. ttommyunger

    Accounts like this make me glad no one in my family ever had money….Summer with that crew? I'd rather be in Hell with a broken back.

  57. fctimes

    I must challenge the fallacious assertion of your headline. I think the article makes quite clear that Romney is actually Eugene Levy from "Cheaper by the Dozen 2."

  58. HogeyeGrex

    It's only sized for fifteen. Fucking the other half out of their lives and abandoning them to the fates is the highlight of the Romney Olympics. It's the event that Mitt's best at.

  59. doloras

    We are officially back in the 20s, when factory owners kept worker uniforms in their closet in case the revolution broke out and they had to sneak out undetected.

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