Anger Porn

A Children’s Treasury Of Wingnut Remembrances Of Communist Traitor Andy Griffith, Who Burns In Hell

MaoberryHappy Independence Day, U.S. Americans! Iconic actor Andy Griffith, who played Iconic Sheriff Andy “Lonesome Rhodes” Matlock on the Iconic Teevee, died July 3 at the age of 86, and Wingnut America honored his memory with an outpouring of patriotic fervor, remembering how the late actor embodied decent small-town values, common-sense parenting, and destroying America by supporting the Illegal Alien Marxist Usurper Barry “Goober” Soetero. While most blog posts on Griffith’s death merely noted that he appeared in a Ron Howard ad for Barack Obama in 2008 (he was onscreen for about 46 seconds) and released a 32-second PSA in support of the Affordable Care Act in 2010, the commenters made certain to put those particular 78 seconds of screen time, out of a 59-year career, into their proper perspective. From The Blaze:

Progressive POS. Have fun burning in Hell for eternity. — Red Meat

Good people don’t promote laws that will directly lead to the death of millions, hope someday I get to spit on his grave. — Swampy

So long Andy [smiley emoticon] You are a total sell out to this great nation. You are a communist piece of garbage and you will not be missed. — Truthbeliever2

Sadly, my first thought when I saw the headline was “if he’d passed away at age 82 I would have missed him so much more” … Now, I only feel angry the old shill didn‘t live another year or two so he’d have to face a “death panel” before kicking it. The old bastrd died too soon to reap what he helped sow. I feel cheated that we’ll never get to hear him lament his decision to be a wh0re for the socialist DNC. — Wool-Free Vision

Another dead Democrat…today’s shaping up to be a better day than expected. — teddrunk

America’s sheriff? Maybe he was Maryberry’s, but Arpaio is America’s sheriff!!!! — catholicextremist

Also, a few trends: Since Griffith was old, obviously his support for Obama (and the socialist scheme to have people buy insurance from for-profit companies) had to be the result of senility. Or maybe Griffith was subverted by that radical Marxist Ron Howard! Oh, and did anyone notice that Andy Griffith died the week after Obamacare was determined to be Constitutional? Surely those two events must be connected!

The guy that was the spokes person for Obamacare dies 1 week after it is upheld, 1 and counting. — Love The Kids

I had hoped that he would live long enough to be denied the healthcare that he helped shove down America’s throat. — Posterchild

So how did that Maobamacare you were pimping a couple of years ago work out for ya? Gee did the death panels keep you waiting too long? — Sweetrae

Because as we all know, old people mostly die from Politics. But let’s see what the patriots at Free Republic have to say!

Griffith was a total communist and hated this country. He was a bitter resentful person as Libs usually are. He was wasting air that someone else deserved. I won’t miss him in the least. — el_texicano

It’s funny…everybody says the Sheriff Taylor character was so sweet and kindly. I guess that’s so. But I could never get past the look on Griffith’s face, and the expression in his eyes. He always looked shifty and downright mean to me. That affable smile looked sort of like a shark’s grin. He always creeped me out. — CatherineofAragon

Later in life he did a movie called “Gramps” where he played a sinister old man. Given how truly EVIL obamacare is, I imagine this character came naturally to him. — brickdds

yup looks like he died before he could vote for obama again — al baby

What makes you think he won’t still vote for Bamby? He is, after all, a Democrat. — JaguarXKE

This joke — Griffith will now vote over and over because he is dead — appears again and again in these threads. These folks have “constant voter fraud is going on!” like Wonkette has buttsecks jokes.

Finally, let’s visit the Breitbart Big Hollywood site:

More dead Hollywood vermin. Who cares? — Conway193

They never showed you on the TV show Sheriff Taylor’s white hooded outfit that he kept in the back of his closet, next to Opie’s and Aunt Bea’s! — xnobozos

Actually he didn’t have one for his make-believe TV life but he did have one in real life cause he was a democrat. — Roadchaser

I am quite sure he now knows the truth about the religion, afterlife and judgement he so casually ridiculed in life. Having portrayed values he did not hold will likely make his plunge into the abyss all the more bitter. That is the tragedy of Mr. Griffith. Sheriff Andy Taylor will not be the one standing before the judgement seat. — Randy

Ted Bundy was known to tell a good joke and make people feel good from time to time as well. Of course, if he were to get you alone, you could be in some serious trouble. — libtarded

He’s yet another in a long long long long line of celebrities who end up leaving a bad taste in my mouth by toeing the socialist/fascist line. First Ron Howard, then Andy. I don’t remember the great Don Knots [sic] doing this. — nolotrippen

Frankly, it does our hearts good to see the phrase “the great Don Knotts,” because no matter what those elitists at the AFA say, The Incredible Mr. Limpet is one excellent wad of cinema.

Now, let us be fair: the full-throttle lunatic comments above represent only a noisy minority of comments on Sheriff Andy’s passing, even on the three right-wing sites linked above. The vast majority of comments are predictably nostalgic, with a soupçon of wistful yearning for a Lost America that never really was, and quite a bit of appreciation for Griffith’s acting chops (particularly as seen in the prescient media satire A Face in the Crowd, which eerily prophesied the meteoric career of blackboard-frottageur Glenn Beck, only with singing. Excellent movie, even though it’s no The Incredible Mr. Limpet). For all the hyperbolic douchebaggery, there are any number of reminders to Play Nice…which are inevitably followed by somthing like this, from the Big Hollywood thread:

Ever see a lib blog after one of ours dies? Ever seen the unbridled filth and hatred in which they roll around like pigs? I for one am sick and tired of playing nice with commies. We will never win if we continue to allow them to play by different rules.

Because America’s fate will ultimately decided by the tone of blog comments.

Doktor Zoom wishes you a safe and happy Scaring the Shit Out of the Pets For America Day! Keep the poor things inside if you can.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. Schmannnity

      And don't get me started on Helen Crump, with her education, independence, and job. Why did she hate the American family so?

    2. tessiee

      The actress who played her lived a couple of towns over from me when I lived in North Carolina, and although I never met the lady, I heard that she was "difficult".

      Then again, if I had every stranger and nutcase in the state knocking on my door and saying, "Aint Bee, will you make us one o' yo' pies?", I might be a bit bitchy, too.

      1. Schmannnity

        I thought I remembered this story. From

        Andy Griffith once did an interview with Ralph Emery, and the subject of Frances came up. He said that both he and Ron Howard tried visiting her in Siler City. Unannounced. She flipped. Later, a mutual friend of theirs called Andy, and said that Frances wanted to talk to him. Andy called her, and she told him that she was sorry they never got along better. She told him that she had suffered two heart attacks and cancer. Andy said in the interview that it wasn’t that they didn’t get along, it was just that she didn’t always feel up to playing the role. Hmm.

        She was admitted to the Chatham Hospital, the day before Thanksgiving, 1989. She was kept in the coronary care unit for two weeks, and finally discharged on Monday, December 4. She died in this house on Wednesday, December 6. Heart Failure. She was 86 years old.

        Upon her death, whoever went in the non-curtained house found it reeking of cat piss, which is one of the worst smells on the planet. The plaster was peeling, the carpets frayed, and the upholstery worn. She didn’t keep a tidy home. She had 14 cats (ugh.), and their litter box was the basement shower. Not in it, it was it.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          14 cats? Didn't she know she needed a separate basement shower for each of them? I mean, what did she do with all that The Andy Griffith Show money?

    3. An Asexual Ungulate

      So wait… that means my erotic fan-fic was TRUE? Yes! YES! YESSSSS!!!

      …and I'm spent. This is the best 4th of July ever.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I recall reading a piece in an erotic anthology (it was in an actual book & was before online fan-fic) in which the writer (lesbian) detailed her fantasy of getting it on with Aunt Bee while Andy & Opie were out of the house.
        A bit strange but who knows? Maybe Aunt Bee's pie was REALLY good.

    4. gullywompr

      Let's not leave out life-long bachelor Howard Sprague (I never bought that whole Millie Swanson thing for a second, she was a total beard).

  1. glamourdammerung

    I wonder how many of these cretins also loudly boast of their Christian faith?

      1. GhostBuggy

        Beat me to it! I'm hoping that when one of us posts that for the millionth time, deflated balloons will drop from the ceiling and Wonkette Jr. will show up at the door with gifts of a bottle of Five O'Clock Vodka, a revolver and a single bullet.

        1. Maman

          I saw the opening and couldn't believe that it wasn't up there yet. Sadly had to explain to the hubs why I was hysterically giggling and THEN what it meant. mixed marriages, dude. Always trouble.

    1. Doyle_Hargraves

      Well if any of these "Christians" got to heaven and found out from St. Peter (and Andy Griffith) that they were actually wrong–that parts of the Bible about caring for the poor were relevant; that wars were intrinsically evil; that adequate healthcare for all was a human right–they would honestly believe they were in Hell.

  2. frostbitefalls

    William Burroughs please! It's not the Fourth of July until he appears on my wonkette.

          1. Grief_Lessons

            No problem. When a Simpsons reference gets to be about twenty years old it starts to slip by…

      1. weejee

        The beloved giving thanks for the KKK and the "Kill a Queer a Day Stickers" being read in Burroughs' beyond deadpan deadpan. Double upfists.

    1. viennawoods13

      Yesterday on the CBC report of his death, they said that he gained a whole new generation of fans with Matlock. Really now. I love Andy and all that, but if anyone under the age of 50 (then) watched Matlock, I'd like to meet them. (Obviously person who wrote that not a fan of the SImpsons)

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I sheepishly admit I did watch Matlock. But, at the time, I would watch almost anything. I wouldn't say I was a fan of it, though.
        If I visited my parents, I didn't have the choice of not watching it, for sure. Had to watch whatever they did until they went to bed at night.

      2. Negropolis

        If your a young'un like me, who spent any time watching television with his grandmother after school or when your parent(s) were out, you know Matlock and Golden Girls. Maybe, it's an American thing.

  3. boobookitteh

    Pfffft! The Inncredible Mr. Limpet! Everybody knows the best Don Knotts movie EVAR was The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

  4. Veritas78

    Ya know, if the death panels are so real for the wingturds, I say we implement them. It's a win-win thing.

    1. glamourdammerung

      I have often wished the FEMA death camps and black helicopters were real just so the nutters finally shut up.

  5. Mittens Howell, III

    " He was a bitter resentful person as Libs usually are. "

    Uh huh, uh huh … keep talking Teabaggers, you make such a compelling case for how different you are from nasty Liberals.

    1. An Asexual Ungulate

      Lacking the mental capacity to make sense of our sarcasm and snark they naturally assume we're all bitter, hateful people. They may be RIGHT of course, but our bitter hatefulness comes out in petty backstabbing conversations, not… you know… crazed armed militias and demands that certain types of people not be allowed basic human rights (because an ancient book says so).

      1. MittBorg

        I wouldn't characterize them as petty backstabbing conversations, although YMMV.

        Given that they keep us from becoming hatey-stabby people and allow us to entertain ourselves and each other with bad puns, pop-culture references, smart-aleck wisecracks, and work off all the excess brain-steam of the day, I think they're a fine alternative to, what is it the Rightards do? Oh, yeah, shoot legislators and little girls and doctors and threaten the lives of anyone who doesn't act and think EXACTLY like them.

        1. An Asexual Ungulate

          I wouldn't characterize the conversations on here that way, I was thinking more the real life analogues of wonkette-thread-esque conversations. But then, my friends are strange WASPish types, so that might affect it too.

          And whatever you'd call what goes on around here, it's a far sight better than mid- to far-right's typical reactions, there can't be any doubting that.

          1. MittBorg

            True. I come here so I won't start screaming vituperatively at total strangers or, worse yet, the newspapers. So embarrassing when one is taking tea at a nice cafe to suddenly be screaming through a mouthful of egg. Declasse.

    2. Blunderthing

      The capitalists who really control America are making a real good job of keeping us at each others' throats. But real satisfaction and that warm gutty-wutty feeling will come from true revolution.

  6. C_R_Eature

    Happy 4th, Doktor Zoom! I like what you're done with the place and keep up the good works.

    Some very enlightening comments, from the other side of the Neutral Zone.Thank you for wading through that miasma for us.
    I did not realize that Andy Griffith was an integral part of the international Chinese Communist Conspiracy , while simultaneously brainwashed by the Godless Hollywood Liberal and ex-towhead Ron Howard and a KKK Grand Wizard to boot. Don Knotts was a comedic genius on par with Jerry Lewis (except for the French connection). The more you know!
    They're so much smarter than us and that's why they're winning.

    I am stealing the phrase "blackboard-frottageur Glenn Beck", by the way.
    And, Breitbart's still a mass of fluid-evacuated rotted meat in a pretty box in the ground. How's that Wingbloggers? Wouldn't want to disappoint anyone.

    1. FlownOver

      Abbie had this interesting notion of putting lysergic in the water supply. These folks would have (a) achieved enlightenment or (b) asploded. Either way, WIN!

      1. Designer_Radio

        I know someone who lives to take drugs, but has somehow never had that hallucinogen-induced epiphany where you realize that we're all connected, that we're all in this together. And he's one of them "creative" types. He's an Apple fanboy, but could care less if someone works 18hrs/day 7days/wk for slave wages to produce his products. Granted, that's unavoidable as a consumer of any electronics, but still, at least a person can acknowledge it as a travesty that needs to be improved upon instead of saying "Fuck 'em".

        And that was my Soapbox Moment, 4th Of July Edition.

        1. Gunner Asch

          Yeah, at first (1970) I thought having tripped meant you got that realization and it automatically mellowed you out. Later I found out it ain't necessarily so. Bummer.

        2. MittBorg

          What kind of drugs is he taking? Because there is a sufficiency of studies showing that LSD and psilocybin mushrooms affect the brain for longer than was previously thought, and in some life-changing ways. Quick, cut his head off. We need his brain FOR SCIENCE!

    1. flamingpdog

      Look closely at the video – those were Aint Bea-52s flying into the Twin Towers.

  7. philpjfry

    What next? Will they villify Miss Piggy and Kermit for teaching radical socialism? Big Bird for loitering? I swear to God I am going to stop reading the news, watching TV and reading political blogs. It is all just too, too depressing, Can't they see anything good in anything?

        1. CivicHoliday

          Indeed – I know actual human beings who would rather their kids watch Nick Jr. 5 hours a day than allow them a single 30 min of Sesame Street because it is "too urban"

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            Well, Oscar is one of those green-colored urbans, he lives in a trash can & his pet is a worm. What sort of role model is that for young 'uns?

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Let's not forget the right's giant butthurt-fest over Oscar watching "Pox News" a couple years back. Sesame Street is a veritable Comintern of sedition.

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          Because Big Gay Bird is why. Duh.

          Like Anderson Cooper, only a matter of time before he comes out of the closet nest.

  8. Extemporanus

    America is red
    America is blue
    America is White
    Why da fuck ain't you?!

    Happy America FUCK YEAH Day, world!!

    1. weejee

      Happy boom to you as well. BTW to me your Whoreshock avatar looks like zombie Lincoln up close and a double amputee chigger small. I'm sure my shrink would love to massage that.

      1. Extemporanus

        Thank you for sharing that. Does doctor/patient privilege prevent me from informing Child Protective Services that you are Representative Joe Walsh?

        When I self-anal-eyes, I see a half-smiling Al Jolson demurely pursing his lips up close, and a super sad Al Jolson nervously biting his lips when small. (What can I say, I'm a huge fan of the rhythm & the blues…)

      2. BerkeleyBear

        I second the Lincoln, but to me it is always Lincoln. Then again, I spent 4 years in Springfield, Illinois, so I have something akin to Stockholm syndrome with Lincoln related stuff – I see it everywhere (and my daughter is convinced Abe was and is the only President the US has ever had – and seeing as how she was born while W was in office, I'm not keen on disabusing her).

        1. scvirginia

          You weren't in Houston the other day, were you? Wearin' a stripey sweater & Mets cap?

      3. Lascauxcaveman

        A clown.

        A horrible, terrifying, flesh-rending cannibal clown. Dear God, keep it way from me!

      4. Spurning Beer

        Speaking as a clinical psychologist who administers and interprets the Rorschach test, I love you guys.

        Your responses show excellent form quality (= reality testing), creativity, perceptual flexibility, clear interpersonal boundaries, and whimsy.

        Incidentally, the correct answer is "the charred, severed torso of a prostitute lying on a shower curtain".

        1. tessiee

          "the correct answer is "the charred, severed torso of a prostitute lying on a shower curtain". "

          OT but now you reminded me of it:
          there's a book called "Jack the Ripper, Case Closed", which makes the case that Jack the Ripper was an artist/actor named Walter Sickert.
          Among the points she brings up to support her theory is that one of Sickert's paintings is a fully dressed man sitting on a bed, strangling a nude woman who appears to be a prostitute.
          And just in case that's not nightmare-fuel enough, what's the title?

          I finished the book not at all convinced that Walter Sickert had committed any crimes, and also very glad that I'm separated from him by 130 years and an ocean.

          1. Geminisunmars

            You'd probably love/hate Erik Larson's "The Devil in the White City". Speaking of healthcare.

        2. Doktor Zoom

          Incidentally, the correct answer is "the charred, severed torso of a prostitute lying on a shower curtain".

          Oh, jesus, I damn near pissed myself laughing.

          1. Spurning Beer

            Dr. Z, among my colleagues, two of the actual Rorschach blots are widely known as "two elephants on a pogo stick" and "a vagina smoking a cigar". Once you see them that way, you'll never see anything else. Look at the cards on Wikipedia and tell me I'm wrong.

          2. Spurning Beer

            I just don't see that. When I look at that face, all I see is two cobras wearing ponchos and shower caps.

            But I guess that's pretty much how Brad Pitt looks to me, too.

    2. Extemporanus

      After changing my Rorschatar nearly every day for nearly a year with only a bite or two, you guys finally came through, HOORAY!

      You are all Big Goddamn Real American Heroes…and clearly in need of immediate professional consultation. (I hear that Dr. Spurning Beer comes highly recommended…unless you happen to be a prostitute.)

        1. Extemporanus

          For the record, were you going back to Cali in the 1980s?

          ♪♫ People don't know how nice I am
          He was sleeping, so now I gotta slice my man
          Like ham in a pan, wrap him up in Saran
          Kidnap him and slap him up inside of a van…

          1. Spurning Beer

            Honestly, I don't know how that guy got accepted as an NCIS agent.

            Today's inkblot is an even nicer torso than yesterday's, by the way. You do good work.

        1. Extemporanus

          "This calls for some celery!"

          (My wife and I — and our goofy cat — absolutely love that show, even if it did kinda Flyboat the baby shark a couple seasons ago.)

  9. OkieDokieDog

    It was Andy Griffith who killed Breitbart and then he was knocked off by Obama. It was all planned back in 1961, episode 4, entitled: Let's Go Kill Us A Real 'Merican Patriot Because We're Godless Commie Liberals, guest starring Raul Castro and Vladimir Lenin's body.

    1. PubOption

      PLO, does that mean they will have to wear a red and white checkered tablecloth on their head?

  10. Clankie

    Is there some way that we can get some teabaggin' rep to go on camera and call him a communist? Because that would play well in campaign ads across the country. "I may have no political experience and list smoking weed as a job occupation, but my opponent, Rep. Clancey Taintsuckler said he wanted Andy Griffith to burn in hell."

  11. Doktor Zoom

    I didn't include this comment from the Free Republic thread because I assume it's just trolling, but it's so bizarre, who knows?

    I seem to remember an episode where a black family walked into town looking for help when their car broke down on the way to Mount Pilot.
    Unfortunately their arrival coincided with Otis The Drunk going missing. Sheriff Taylor proceeded to whip the populace into a frenzy with unsubstantiated claims that the family had murdered Otis despite the calls for calm by Deputy Fife. In the ensuing pandemonium, the innocent family was lynched.
    It was later discovered that Otis had simply passed out on the fishing dock.

    The poster's profile appears to be 100% Pure Wingnut sincerity, though…scroll to the bottom!

    1. Extemporanus

      Oh man, that was a great episode! How Aunt Bee embroidered each of their hoods in a single night, I'll never know. That woman was truly a treasure.

      I never really bought Bill Cosby and Lena Horn as the black parents, though…

    2. Doktor Zoom

      I doubt they were thinking of this: "Why Come There Ain't No Black People In Mayberry?"

      Then again, one of the Freepers DID address the influx of undesirables into Mayberry (click link for amusing photos of typical black people's lives–you may want to take some Maalox first):

      Where have you gone, Mayberry USA?

      Things changed after Andy and co. left. The local economy faltered badly as a result of the federal government's attacks on the tobacco industry in the 1990s. Small businesses began to leave, storefronts were left dilapidated and broken from disuse, the infrastructure fell into disrepair.

      Attempts by the government to replace the once-thriving business base with a "welfare economy," replete with Section 8 public housing and a plethora of other social programs, resulted in drastic demographic and social changes, radically altering the way of life for the erstwhile sleepy little North Carolina town.

      Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly what the few remaining residents had hoped for.

      1. tessiee

        "Things changed after Andy and co. left. The local economy faltered badly as a result of the federal government's attacks on the tobacco industry in the 1990s. Small businesses began to leave, storefronts were left dilapidated and broken from disuse, the infrastructure fell into disrepair. Attempts by the government to replace the once-thriving business base with a "welfare economy," "

        War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength.

        As I sit on my unemployed ass typing this, there are one million towns throughout the country that are literally in ruins because sometime during the Reagan 80s, the industry [auto, steel, textile, manufacturing of various kinds] walked away whistling in search of even cheaper labor, taking the jobs and the money with it, and left behind an empty, burnt-out shell with unbreatheable air and undrinkable water. To the extent the Federal government played any part in this at all, it was as an enabler. I'm beyond snark that there are actually some sentient beings who "think", even now, that the root of the problem is that we all weren't compliant *enough*.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Good gravy, I had no idea Andy Griffith hated America so much — in fact, the only really political/social association I remember his show for (and he had nothing to do with this) is one occasion of systematic police brutality where white cops made black prisoners whistle the theme of The Andy Griffith Show while getting the crap beaten out of them. It was a long time ago, and I don't have a citation handy but I'll see if I can find it.

    Anyway, there are people whose graves I'd like to desecrate too, but I still feel a modicum of shame for harboring such emotions, as my Buddhist/humanist inclinations kick in — so I try to keep the number of imagined targets to a minimum. With the short life we'll all have and the forever during which we'll be dead afterwards it seems we ought to spend as much time enjoying this brief moment and being good to one another.

    So happy Independence Day everyone!

  13. Guppy

    happy Scaring the Shit Out of the Pets For America Day!

    Romney really is a True American Patriot, isn't he?

  14. Designer_Radio

    Dr. Zoom, after looking up the word "frottage", and reading:

    technique; Consensual sexual rubbing between partners; see Nonpenetrative sex · Frot, male-on-male nonpenetrative sex …

    your "blackboard-frottageur Glenn Beck" comment was very satisfying.

          1. Designer_Radio

            I'm starting to question the quality of my high school's sex ed program. Speaking of pot smoke and "smegma", I didn't know what it was until I watched Harold & Kumar a couple times.

  15. C_R_Eature

    You know Who Else wrote long, unhinged rants about dead people and called them "Vermin"?

        1. flamingpdog

          Oh, dude, the video started with an anti-Obama ad! Near to gave me a heart attack.

          1. C_R_Eature

            WHAT!? SORRY!!

            Not for me, and not when I just played it. Weird! I'm pretty aggressive about eliminating cookies , use Firefox as a browser and enable script and ad blockers (except on Wonkette!) so I don't see a lot of trash on my screen.

  16. spends2much

    This just made me sad, actually. The over the top hatred, sure, but mostly the unmitigated ignorance and stupidity. These people are probably allowed to VOTE, and they really believe this bs!
    Aside from y'all, my soul really cannot bear to read the comment section of any web site. Seriously, you can publish a fucking cupcake recipe and some asshole will come along to tell you it sucks and you're a loser.
    RIP Andy Griffith.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      But Lisa, if you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it!


    1. flamingpdog

      Two out of three ain't bad, but if we blow up shit here in the Square State these days , more likely than not we're gonna be looking at Jeebus burning down our house.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Yes, there is a silver lining to living amongst the flames: Fireworks being outlawed and the dogs (hopefully) able to survive the day.

      1. flamingpdog

        At least, thanks to modern medicine (?and Maobamacare), he'll be able to continue giving upthumbs.

      2. Doktor Zoom

        Heh…this comment is better when read in an Abe Simpson voice:

        In 2007 I was involved in a horrible July 4th incident that resulted in my losing my left thumb. (The fact was, the incident involved a skill saw and a home improvement project, not fireworks.) While being operated on at about 10:00 PM that evening, a reporter came around the emergency room collecting information on July 4th related accidents. The only other person in the ER at that time was a man who fell onto a glass bowl of potato salad. While we were both technically July 4th related accidents, no story was written, and there was no great ground-swell of public demand for the banning of either skill saws, potato salad or glass bowls.

        (OK, but there's also a perfectly reasonable proposed regulation to require SawStop technology on table saws to save fingers…but it is a threat to FREEDOM!)

      3. imissopus

        There was a guy on Long Island last year who blew his arm off at the shoulder trying to set off some sort of fireworks in a three-foot mortar tube. I think he goes by "Stumpy" now.

    2. GeneralLerong

      Let's drive out into the dry brush and shoot off some fireworks! And guns! Let's put the fireworks in a big pile and shoot guns at it! Fuck, yeah! Now, everybody get in a circle around the pile…

      1. DerrickWildcat

        I have a history of being banned from websites for non-traditional ways of being banned from websites. I'm a little more go-with-the-flow now, but some times it just comes out.

        1. DerrickWildcat

          Speaking of which. She was partly responsible for me getting kicked off Greta Van Sustereren's site, Gretawire. I don't know what it's like now but 4 years ago it was a hotbed of profound and obscene stupidity. Every other post started with, " I don't know if this is true or not, but…" So I started doing the same thing. I just made up the wildest shit to see if it would stick. To see if others would repeat it. I said something like,
          OMG, I don't know if this is true, but did you see Michelle Obama's Inauguration Dress!!? It turns out that it is the exact same design and colors that the Zulu warriors wore when they were attacking the British! The colors and design mean, "Protection from White People!" I also started a thing about Michelle's Mother was being paid 35,000 month of TAX PAYER MONEY to live in the White House and babysit the kids! Pretty outrageous right!? I guess a moderator was smart enough, maybe even Greta, to know I was just whipping them up into a giant rabid frenzy and banned me.

          1. Geminisunmars

            You know, I've heard that too about Michelle's Mother getting paid 35,000 a month from somewhere.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Outstanding, DerrickW! You make me feel right at home.

            Michelle's Mother was being paid 35,000 month of TAX PAYER MONEY to live in the White House and babysit the kids!

            The way it works is:
            * Troll posts something outrageous at fringe RW website.
            * Interns comb sites, pick up outrageous rumor and send to Drudge Report.
            * Drudge posts unsubstantiated rumor WITH FLASHING LIGHT & SIREN.
            * FOX and Limbaugh pick up on it & run with it.
            * Concerned Citizens hear it on RW Media, call and send angry emails to Congressmembers and LSM.
            * George Stephunpronouncable asks tough question to Administration Rep. about The Scandal on The Sunday Villager's Conventional Wisdom Hour.
            * Outrageous Fabrication becomes part of the Conventional Wisdom.

            So easy a Caveman could do it!

            "I don't know what it's like now but 4 years ago it was a hotbed of profound and obscene stupidity"

            I doubt it's gotten any smarter since you've been gone.

  17. Mittens Howell, III

    Rage is less scary when it comes from fat, toothless teabaggers riding their goverment-subsidized scooters around in circles.

    1. PubOption

      Should we start a rumor about Obamacare including Mobility Panels, and scooters being taken away from people who can walk a certain number of steps.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    I also didn't include any of the comments about the anti-2nd-Amendment implication of Andy Taylor not letting Barney Fife keep his weapon loaded. One was an obvious Poe, and there were a couple of others that may have been real, but were not quite insanely ranty enough to include.

    Good god…I am becoming a connoisseur of online vituperation…

  19. C_R_Eature

    OT Subatomic Geekery time:

    The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) using the Large Hadron Collider has announced they've most probably found the Higgs Boson, one of the final pieces in the puzzle of how matter formed and a significant step towards understanding Life, the Universe and Everything!
    Taht they managed to accomplish this without creating a mini black hole that would devour the Earth is very considerate of them.

    Here's my favorite quote:"Buchmueller at CERN said: "If I were a betting man, I would bet that it is the Higgs. But we can't yet say that definitely yet. It is very much a smoking duck that walks and quacks like the Higgs. But we now have to open it up and look inside before we can say that it is indeed the Higgs."

    Now you know. We've found the God Particle and it's a Smoking Duck.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            "'Jeethus Christh, that'th a funny voithe! Where'd you get that voithe?"

            — Leon Schlesinger, Loony Tunes Producer, on viewing the first fully-realized Daffy Duck cartoon…at least according to Chuck Jones, whose invaluable Chuck Amuck claims Mel Blanc based the Daffy voice on Schlessinger's lisp. Blanc disputed the anecdote, however.

            True or not, I prefer Jones's version, which is a much better story.

            (Yes, I know Daffy and Donald are separate properties…pissed me off in grade school when kids made that mistake…)

    1. PubOption

      I didn't see anything, either.

      The Smoking Duck could also be the guard duck from 'Pearls Before Swine'.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      I just have a slight sense of relief — because if they hadn't found evidence of the Higgs boson, who knows what even more confusing, counterintuitive and opaque explanation physicists would have to come up with to replace the Standard Model?

      Also, can we pass a law that Deepak Chopra and every other new age and ayurvedic fraud is never allowed to invoke the term "quantum" ever again, on pain of having all the quantum memory erased from all their homeopathic placebo water?

      1. C_R_Eature

        Agreed. Nothing about things like string, membrane and even quantum theory makes any intuitive sense at all withought the Math and I just don't have that Math.

        I'm all for that New Age Quantum Comment Prohibition law and I'll start a petition to get it to a vote! I had the bad experience of watching "What the [Bleep] is going on/" on cable in a hotel room, half awake. It made sense for a bit when they had interviews with physicists, but then this character came on that called herself "Ramtha" came on and I realized I was being Had Big Time. Marlee Matiln was in that disgraceful misuse of knowledge!

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          In 2006, I stayed with my parents for a few months because my mother was undergoing treatment. I was desperate for something to read (Dad had mostly military & western pulp novels & a bunch of religious stuff) so I went the closest thrift store to see what they had & bought a stack of books. One of them was the Shirley MacLaine classic Out on a Limb. Oh my god. That made me swear off reading any more "New Age" shit forever.

          However, another book I found on that trip was Cold New World: Growing Up in a Hard Country by William Finnegan. It's excellent.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Shirley MacLaine! Argh! I'd rather read instruction manuals.

            That Finnegan book looks good. I'll look it up, thanks!

      1. C_R_Eature

        Zounds! You realize that explains the Fox and Friends mystery, also?

        I have it on good authority that Fermilab is on the cusp of discovering the
        O.C. and Stiggs Boson. Something else to look forward to!

          1. C_R_Eature

            John Stuart Mill, of his own Free Will
            On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

          2. C_R_Eature

            "Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!"

            I have a superstition that, once invoked, the Philosopher's Song must be finished no matter how long it takes else Bad Things will happen.
            I don't have many superstitions on land, but I never cross the ones I do. Can't be too careful.

    3. finallyhappy

      now seriously, thank me. I was involved in the bureaucratic part of some of the US funding of CERN some years ago
      – my office was the last step before the money was approved.

    4. PubOption

      In the world of particle physics, the ducks (smoking or not), go 'Quark, Quark'.

    1. PubOption

      I assume they mean that Griffith died before the Death Panels could get him. Although, that could be too coherent a thought for a wingnut to post.

  20. smashedinhat

    TeeVee has done nothing but cause nightmares for me. In Andy Griffith times (I'm 52) everything was black and white until dad threw his scotch at the screen to provide some adhesion for the faceted plastic sheet which gave the cancer ray tube a hallucinatory vibrancy which still kicks in every time I do acid.

    Happy 4th of July fellow Wonketeers with wiggly mouse ears crawling around my herring bone hard wood floor.

    1. deanbooth

      What sticks in my mind about that plastic sheet is its fluid, sticky feel. Is there anything else made with that kind of plastic? The closest I can think of is colorforms.

      1. tessiee

        Colorforms were the best!
        Even better than Play-doh. Yeah, that's right! You heard me! I said BETTER than Play-doh!

      1. smashedinhat

        They were actually striated vinyl sheets of the type used on 3D post cards of the day which merely diffracted light in unpleasant ways. Of more interest to me was the aluminum can of "London Fog" on the shelf behind the idiot box.

        I learned early in life that nothing is as it seems.

          1. smashedinhat

            A generic aluminum can with a pop top, sealed, and a wrapper that said "yadayada". Spotty dick would have worked just as well. Or Michelle Malkins tampon. Do not open!

        1. Doktor Zoom

          "I learned early in life that nothing is as it seems."

          Yeah. For instance, didja know Sherriff Andy Taylor was a commonist traitor?

  21. Sassomatic

    If "Maobamacare" (love that one!) is EVIL, then it stands to reason they have it in Hell. So at least in Hell Andy is getting healthcare.

  22. flamingpdog

    That affable smile looked sort of like a shark’s grin. He always creeped me out. — CatherineofAragon

    You may not have noticed yet Catie, but you're dead too.

    1. tessiee

      Apparently he was also a commie "libtard" who had KKK robes in his closet, as well.

  23. Heroically_Joe

    Griffith was a total communist and hated this country. He was a bitter resentful person as Libs usually are. He was wasting air that someone else deserved. I won’t miss him in the least. — el_texicano

    But I thought they just got finished talking about how much they hate all the death panels?

    More dead Hollywood vermin. Who cares? — Conway193

    What does Andrew Breitbart have to do with anything?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I, for one, like the idea that someone who HATES socialist redistribution of assets would say "He was wasting air that someone else deserved"

  24. weejee

    In the parched areas, like Colorado, is private lighting of fireworks a shoot on sight offense?

    Happy Fourth all you Wonkapartiots!!! For the freedomz!!!!

    1. littlebigdaddy

      You won't believe this, but they actually have roadside fireworks stands open (for freedumb). It is illegal to shoot them off, but not to possess.

    2. not that Radio

      Not in New Mexico. Perfectly legal. And we have a wildfire burning that is 10x the area of the CO fire.

    3. Pithaughn

      Actually, even the big whiz gee "OOOHHHH" public fireworks are canceled this year. Even in Avon CO where they shoot the fireworks over a pond! I predict much more teenage gang wannabee problems as there is nothing to distract them from idiotic displays of bravado to impress the ladies.

  25. flamingpdog

    Thought about sending this to tips at Wonkette, but* I figured everybody there was prolly already passed out from drinking Mao Thais, I'll drop this one in here.


    1. 12X34X

      It's the second picture, though, that reveals Josh's predilection for sexy pink blush.

  26. ChernobylSoup

    Hey folks. Get I get some libtard love? Last night I was forced to take the family out on the lake to watch fireworks. The fireworks were synchronized to music broadcast by a local radio station and they played… They played… This is very hard to say. They played that Lee Greenwood song.

    1. Vecchiojohn

      You poor soul. There should be reparations for anyone whose ears are raped by that shit.

    2. C_R_Eature

      Sorry for your loss. Of Lunch.

      What, was "Flight of the Valkyres" on loan form the Library?

    3. Butch_Wagstaff

      Hopefully your eyes have stopped bleeding by now.

      EDIT: I meant ears. But maybe the eyes bled, too. Whatever, I'm half-smashed & just waiting for it to get cool & dark enough outside to light some fuses and traumatize the pets on the block.

  27. ManchuCandidate

    Ever see a lib blog after one of ours dies? Ever seen the unbridled filth and hatred in which they roll around like pigs? I for one am sick and tired of playing nice with commies. We will never win if we continue to allow them to play by different rules.

    I have only one question… When did you shitheads ever play nice?

  28. MissTaken

    I sure hope Cain TV does a special on how horrible that commie pinko scum Andy Griffith was to America and how his death has saved us from the tyranny of healthcare. Give a lamb a gun!

  29. sbj1964

    BartBots are the lowest form of life.They wrap themselves in hatred,and live only to pull the wings off of fly's.Discusting little roaches pretending to be human.

  30. tessiee

    "I had hoped that he would live long enough to be denied the healthcare that he helped shove down America’s throat"

    Would it be asking too much of "posterchild" to make up his mind (if I may so flatter him)? This doesn't even make sense in-universe; denying something and shoving it down someone's throat are mutually exclusive.

  31. tessiee

    "I could never get past the look on Griffith’s face, and the expression in his eyes. He always looked shifty and downright mean to me. That affable smile looked sort of like a shark’s grin. He always creeped me out."

    That's how I always felt about Reagan. The difference is that Reagan actually did do a lot of damage to our country.

  32. OneYieldRegular

    "Mayberry, R(evolutionary) F(orces) of D(emocracy)"!

    As with most things of unfathomable idiocy, it really helps to read those tiny reactions to Andy Griffith's death using Floyd the Barber's voice.

  33. tessiee

    "He was a bitter resentful person as Libs usually are. He was wasting air that someone else deserved. I won’t miss him in the least."

    Hey, way NOT to be bitter and resentful, there, Sunshine!

  34. Mittens Howell, III

    Hey Teabaggers, happy 'America Is On Fire But It's Not Global Warming' Day!!

  35. tessiee

    "They never showed you on the TV show Sheriff Taylor’s white hooded outfit that he kept in the back of his closet, next to Opie’s and Aunt Bea’s!"

    Like the wingnuts would mind that.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Keep up with The Narrative–the real racists are Democrats, who seamlessly shifted from being the segregationists of the 1950s to enslaving The Blacks with their welfare, which the poor dears are too simple to resist. Won't someone please help The Blacks escape the Democrat Plantation?

  36. ttommyunger

    Feelings run deep in Rightard Land, don't they? They run deep on both sides, folks. I got in one's face last night before I could stop myself or even knew what I was doing. Sometimes they just go too fucking far and they forget who they're talking to. I'm convinced their hatred is fueled by fear: a powerful and basic motivator.

    1. GeneralLerong

      Did you justify their fear? Did they pee down their leg? Now they get to fear ruthless angry geezer hulks as well as black teenagers?

      [non-text portions of this message do not condone violence or threatening behavior. cough.]

      1. ttommyunger

        They fear loss: of jerbs, wimmenz, political clout, historically white supremacy…Prolly more.

        1. GeneralLerong

          Damn straight.

          Ironically, as to political clout, they fear loss of what they never had much of anyway. All the tools who voted for Reagan imagined it was them, their own personal selves, in power; whereas they weren't even close enough to bask in the glory, let alone rake in the loot. They got nothing – nothing – for their votes.

          Now their economic well being has shrunk thanks to those who actually do have money and clout, and their arthritic prejudices won't allow them to even imagine the guy now in the White House might be on their side.

          Squashed like grapes in the press – that's the reward for being foolish, ignorant, and a bully?

          1. ttommyunger

            I've just come to accept the fact that fully a third of our populace is composed of morons. I fear that percentage growing and we can add obese and diabetic to the mix.

  37. VA_Dreaming

    Whatever happened to "if you don't something decent to say, don't say anything." My gosh, such an outpouring of hate from people who are supposed to be loving.

  38. tessiee

    "I for one am sick and tired of playing nice with commies. We will never win if we continue to allow them to play by different rules."

    Hello, Mr. Webster? Hi, I have a new example that you can put in your dictionary under "projection".

  39. Doktor Zoom

    Pffft! right back at you, I say! Is there any Robert McKimson animation in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, I ask you? IS THERE? Good day to you, sir or madam! Good DAY, I say!

    Also, even though you are irredeemably WRONG about this, some fun facts from the Font of All Knowledge:

    Andy Griffith, Knotts' costar on "The Andy Griffith Show", suggested expanding on an episode from the television show involving a deserted house (the old Rimshaw house in the episode "Haunted House" aired Oct. 1963) in which Barney, Gomer, and Andy retrieve a baseball of Opie and his friend from the house.

    The Simmons Mansion stands on Colonial Street on the Universal Studios lot in California and was built for the 1946 film So Goes My Love. It appeared as the Dowd house in the 1950 film Harvey, and currently serves as the home of Gabrielle Solis in Desperate Housewives.

    1. boobookitteh

      Is there an awesome organ soundtrack to The Incredible Mr. Limpet? Are there blood stains that couldn't be cleaned? NOT EVEN WITH BON AMI???

      You are NOT CoC and you are NOT OK!

      ETA: I think channel 56 played this movie entirely too often during my childhood.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Chamber of Commerce?
        Circle of confusion?
        Croatian Olympic Committee?
        Children of the Corn?
        Carnival of Carnage?
        Call of Cthulhu?
        Commandant of Cadets?
        Company Owned Car?
        Combined Oral Contraceptive?
        Cleveland open cup? ("A method in chemistry for determining the flash point of a volatile liquid.")
        Corruption of Champions? ("A sexual, flash based, text adventure game.")

        (In this comment, I betray both my real ignorance of certain references and my love of Wikipedia and a day off)

        1. boobookitteh

          Chamber of Commerce. It's a reference to a scene in the movie and an indication of a youth tragically misspent in front of a television.

          I mean, really, who has a ready supply of Ghost and Mr Chicken references at hand? Can you imagine what I could have done had I spent those hours studying physics?

          Also, too, 2 Girls and 1 Cleveland Open Cup sounds like it could be an interesting video.

  40. One_Man_Band

    The saddest part about this is realizing that with Griffith only dying just now, we still have such a long way to go until all the baby boomers who watched his show as kids finally kick off.

    Gonna be a long couple of decades.

  41. Groupshrug

    From the last comment…

    "Ever see a lib blog after one of ours dies? Ever seen the unbridled filth and hatred in which they roll around like pigs?"

    I will admit we did have a lot of good jokes when Andrew Breitbart died from too much butt sex.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      "Ever seen the unbridled filth and hatred in which they roll around like pigs?"

      That move has a name: The Breitbartian Loll.

  42. GeneralLerong

    Actually, I don't plan to celebrate Dick Cheney's death by rolling around like a pig in unbridled filth and hatred. Been there, done that, it was all right, but not that great.

    I plan to rent a convertible, attach "CHENEY'S DEAD!" banners to the sides, fill the passenger seats with other mutants, and drive around town all day honking and yelling. Then spend the evening drinking champagne until I can't stand up.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        Even Thomas Covenant knew you can't defeat despair with hatred. It just took him three books to figure it out.

        1. C_R_Eature

          And, luckily for Stephen R. Donaldson, he found the Power that Preserves the storyline for a second and third trilogy plus one!

  43. chascates

    Did any of these douchemonkeys know Johnny Cash's stand on segregation and other issues? Or about Burl Ives' activism? Or that Raymond Burr was gay? For that matter wait till Jim Nabors passes.

    The hatred that goes along with being a conservative must take a toll on your physical health as well as your sanity eventually.

  44. SheriffRoscoe

    Andy Griffith. Proof that a person can grow old AND not go batshit. May we all follow his example.

    And a great big Fuck You to all the whiny, deluded christards out there posting their insane ramblings on the internets. Watch your young'uns today. It's the Fourth Of July. So many will blast a finger or a hand off with their toys that go boom, for America. Those things are probably outlawed in some of the nanny states.

    1. tessiee

      "So many will blast a finger or a hand off with their toys that go boom, for America."

      No biggie. They'll just take li'l Cletus to the Emergency Room that our taxes pay for, which is totally not socialized medicine, and sit there fuming that commie Obama is forcing socialized medicine down our racially pure throats.

  45. DocChaos

    Out of curiosity I dug up the Daily Kos thread from when Charlton Heston died – an actor far more associated with conservative politics than Andy Griffith was with liberal politics. What little post-mortem criticism there was, was incredibly mild compared to the spittle-flecked outrage on freerepublic. The most psychotic invective always comes from those who insist that liberals are the "haters".

    Conservatives can't even find pleasure in the suffering of others without playing the victim.

    1. MosesInvests

      Friend, not only do I not have a ticket, I don't know whar it is that I'm a-goin'!

  46. johnnyzhivago

    I sure hope Obamacare includes treatment for "crow indigestion" – because these heartless fucks are going to be eating tons of it the morning after Election Day!

    1. C_R_Eature

      Outstanding. Thanks!

      Don't tell Orly Taitz that we finally found the Birth Certificate.

        1. C_R_Eature

          No Worries Mate! Glad folks here seem to enjoy these things. Nice map linky.

          Hot enough to melt the TruckNutz off a redneck's F-250 and humid too as a bonus. But at least I have electricity. Enjoying a day to just fuck off in my Fortified Compound for once.

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            No such thing as global warming, though.
            Nope. Not at all.
            There's still ice in Iceland, right?
            Must be snowing somewhere, too.
            Those polar ice caps? They're just breakin' off because the polar bears are so heavy that, when they walk on them, their weight causes big chunks of ice to break off.
            Plus some retired meteorologist somewhere says there's no such thing. So there.

          2. C_R_Eature

            You forgot the "It's all a manufactured crisis created be a loose aggregation of corrupt climate scientists jockeying for literally thousands of dollars of grant money and Environmentalists spending their meager donations on green propaganda to advance their "One-World" anti Progress philosophy."

            That makes so much more sense than the Liberal " Energy Extractive Industries, the Oil sector comprising the most wealthy transnational corporations in human history, who are inextricably woven into the very fabric of industrial civilization and who are led be a tiny group of the wealthiest people on the planet who are also demonstrated sociopaths have undertaken a massively well financed campaign of disinformation based on the one waged by the Tobacco Industry to obfuscate, discredit delay and destroy any possibility of progress to cleaner, safer and less dangerous energy sources, simply because they can."

            And, Al Gore is fat.

          3. James Michael Curley

            Al Gore is fat is an unsubstantiated opinion not supported by empirical evidence. Did you measure his girth? Did you submerse him naked in a tub of water and determine the volume of his body? Any core samples?

          4. C_R_Eature

            My belief that Al Gore is Fat is a core article of Faith and as such is protected under the Constitution. I don't need to prove to anyone that Al Gore is Fat and if you continue to ask me to prove that Al Gore is Fat you will be infringing on my Freedom of Religion. So, shut up and get out of the way while I proselytize to your children that Al Gore is Fat and work to add Al Gore is Fat to the Texas Science curriculum.

  47. tessiee

    I'm actually a bit surprised.

    Given how reactionary these folks are, I'm surprised that they don't forgive Andy anything because he's a Southern white male who played a police officer (on two different shows, yet); and given how gullible they are, I'm surprised that they don't think Mayberry is a real town (well, it is a real town, actually; it's based on Mount Airy, NC, but anyway).

    Reagan got not one but two terms in the White House by being a mediocre actor who smiled a lot and reminded dumb people of a 1947 Readers' Digest version of America that never existed, so I'm honestly surprised that the formula didn't work for Andy.

  48. rmjagg

    " Conservatives can't even find pleasure in the suffering of others without playing the victim." …. palin / Gabby Giffords/crosshairs

  49. demmother

    Loved Any in "A Face in the Crowd" loved him in "Waitress". We all gotta go, but I'm gonna miss Any anyway

  50. shortsandpants

    It is an established fact that ALL dead people hate America— as they are no longer alive, and therefore no longer American.

  51. gurukalehuru

    I propose the theme to the Andy Griffith show as Big O's next campaign anthem. Everybody knows it, it's catchy as hell, and it would drive the wingtards absolutely insane.

    1. Geminisunmars

      I can picture Grant Park full of tearstreaked supporters whistling that theme in unison. That would make me very happy.

    2. One_Man_Band

      Genius! The name of the song is actually "The Fishing Hole," so ruining such an all-Amurkin-sounding thing by associating it with a Kenyan Muslin Soshulist would just add to their further insanity.

  52. SheriffRoscoe

    Mark Twain was a fascist nazi America-hating communist, too. But at least they waited 100 years after he died to start despising him with white-hot psychotic fury. I blame the ascendancy of high fructose corn syrup for the phenomenon.

    1. tessiee

      "Mark Twain was a fascist nazi America-hating communist, too. But at least they waited 100 years after he died to start despising him with white-hot psychotic fury"

      That's because it took them 100 years to figure it out.

      They've never read anything Mark Twain has ever written, but his most famous books take place during the slavery era and are written in rural Southern dialect, and one of them uses the n-word repeatedly — so they assumed that Twain, like them, was also an ignorant, racist redneck who endorsed their point of view, i.e. a "Real Amurrkin".

      I can only imagine their shock when somebody who can actually read explained to them that Huck Finn wasn't running away from the government, he was helping a slave escape.

  53. Chet Kincaid

    Instead of rolling my eyes and being outraged about comments that are not that far off what we would have said if Andy had ever campaigned for George W. Bush, I would rather be happy that the kindliness and decency of the character he played in the '60s was apparently not simply a good acting job.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Indeed–and as the perpetrator of the piece, I hope I included enough ambivalent undercutting to make it clear that I don't buy into that easy "we're morally pure and they're EEEE-vil!" duality.

      Kid Zoom called it right when he said, during one of the last R debates, "You know what this is for you, Dad? It's anger porn."

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Hm. "Anger porn." The worst kind to try to fap to. It might lead to certain parts being bruised and inflamed.

      2. Chet Kincaid

        It's just nice to have someone from the innocent childhood laughs and pleasures of your youth turn out to have some of your same values when you're an adult.

  54. not that Radio

    I feel sorry for them that they don’t have the testicular fortitude to come to this forum and use their own names. Cowards.

  55. ElPinche

    Wait until Obama wins. Oh man, we're going to see RW rhetoric in Mel-Gibson-rant proportions.

  56. Estproph

    The shitheads actually compared him to Ted Bundy? Seriously?

    The rightwing are a bunch of intestinal parasites that have developed an immunity to Fenbendazole. They will never go away, ever.

  57. fuflans

    what did these people do before al gore created the internet?

    and follow-up question: can we make them go back to doing it?

    1. C_R_Eature

      "what did these people do before al gore created the internet? "

      Masturbate. Run off hundreds of copies of their racist newsletter on the mimeograph machine in Mom's basement.

      "can we make them go back to doing it? "

      They're doing it right now. Eeeww.

    2. el_donaldo

      Handing out White Power flyers in front of the grocery store? Sometimes I think the Internet might be a boon simply for keeping these morons out from under foot.

  58. MittBorg

    Deer Dokter Sume: U don'tthink mabee theY got "the ngrate nDon Knots" mixed up wiv Crank_Tango also nown as The Gretae. Grate. Greeatt.

      1. MittBorg

        Don't worry, dude, the bottle hit back pretty hard.

        Congratulations on your regular byline! (Wipes tear) I can say I Knew Youse When!

  59. midnighttoker69

    He played a southern small-town sheriff who treated strangers and people down on their luck with respect and dignity, even Otis … hell, even Barney.

    I've met many men like Barney Fife in my travels, but I haven't met a whole lot of Andy Taylors.

    Goodbye Andy, I'll miss the bluegrass more than anything else.

  60. chascates

    No Time for Sergeants is still a fantastic movie, even with Andy the Red (and the great Don Knotts).

  61. johnnyzhivago

    Didn't Bill Ayers make a lot of guest appearances on the show as the Sheriff's Trotskyite Cell Leader? And wan't Deputy Barney always passing out copies of "The New York Worker" to people in the drunk tank?

  62. coolhandnuke

    I compiled a list, a very short list–Tom Brady, Alex Rodriguez, Cal Ripken Jr., Johnny Ramone, Alice Cooper, Joe Pesci, Gary Sinise, Rip Torn, James Ellroy and Pete Sampras–and I'm being generous in some cases–of Republican athletes, musicians, and actors whose craft, talent and artistry I enjoy. Yet, in contrast to Griffith's passing and the venom from the right, I can (as do most southpaws) hold more than one conflicting thought in my head at a time and I can listen to their music, watch them lead their team down the field and take in their thespian skills without allowing their political affiliation to interfere, disrupt or taint my enjoyment of their profession.

  63. lakawak

    wow…what a sad life the people of wonkette must lead. Always wandering aimlessly through their worthless lives trying to turn EVERY conversation into their pathetic political bitchfest, not realizing that people tuned them out like a broken record years ago.

  64. Beowoof

    Would it be too far over the line to suggest that I would enjoy the Blaze burning to the ground.

  65. BaldarTFlagass

    "Ted Bundy was known to tell a good joke and make people feel good from time to time as well."

    Ditto Al Bundy.

  66. CogitoErgoSumo

    If anything demonstrates how unhinged from reality the right has become and the need for serious efforts to treat mental illness early in life, its the comments on the death of Andy Griffith. In short we need to NIP IT, NIP IT IN THE BUD. Also, Norman Rockwell was a fucking RED.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Ho-leeeeee sheeeit.

      Something I wrote has been Boinged. Goddamn, I have to finish that steampunk Disney papercraft story ASAP!

      EDIT: GAHHHH! only a link to, not a link to this story? Why, Cory, WHYYYY???????

  67. thefrontpage

    For the record: Andy Griffith, an all-around nice, smart, productive, talented, creative, intelligent, insightful and well-loved actor, writer, singer, producer and comedian, generally leaned Democratic, liberal, left and progressive. Additionally, so did fellow "The Andy Griffith Show" actors Don Knotts (who later played an effeminate gay, or gay-like, character on "Three's Company"), Jim Nabors, George Lindsay and Ron Howard. In fact, Ron Howard, who played Andy Taylor's son Opie, leans very liberal and left. Additionally, the producers of "The Andy Griffith Show"–Sheldon Leonard and Danny Thomas, leaned liberal, left and Democrat. Additionally, two other producers, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, who owned Desilu, which also produced "The Andy Griffith Show," with Leonard and Thomas, also leaned liberal, left and Democrat. Please send this to all moron right-wingers. Because it's the truth!

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