MUNNIES  4:00 pm June 29, 2012

Morgan Stanley Offers Its Employees an In-House Chance To Fluff Mitt Romney

by Jim Newell

Everyone gets a free dead hookerWe don’t know how this stuff is legal, but man oh man, is it ever legal. (Or maybe it isn’t, which doesn’t mean they won’t get away with it.) In any event, everyone clear off your schedules for the morning of July 9, when a party crash will be in order. Via TPM:

In an email sent to employees on June 11, with the subject line “an invitation to meet with Mitt Romney,” a group of Morgan Stanley executives said they were “writing to invite you to a breakfast on July 9 in support of Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and Republican nominee for President of the [U]nited [S]tates.”

This is so exciting! We’re going to wear five pairs of pants.

Now if you have $5,000 bucks to spare, the executives at Morgan Stanley would appreciate you giving that Mitt Romney. But since the toilet paper at any megabank worth its salt is made of $100 bills, procuring the desired funds shouldn’t be a problem:

The email provides a brief description of Romney’s “extraordinarily successful private and public sector career,” and then urges recipients to donate to the presidential campaign.

“We hope that you will consider attending the breakfast and contributing $2,500-$5,000 in order to ensure the success of this event,” the email states. “Federal election law permits individuals to contribute a total of $2,500 per election ($5,000 for primary and general election combined)… To donate, please fill out the contributor form and send any checks or credit card contributions directly to the campaign, please do not forward contributions to our offices or to any Morgan Stanley staff.”

Yes, no hurry. The Romney administration will take care of forwarding contributions to the Morgan Stanley offices and staff once Mitt Romney takes office.

[TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 111 comments }

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 4:02 pm

For a minute there I thought the headline said "an In-House Chance To Fluff Muff".

flamingpdog June 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Maybe he's bringing Ann with him.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I imagine Ann's muff is rusty from long disuse, and has the general taste and feel of a Brillo pad. Or, worse yet, steel wool.

Anybody out there remember steel wool?

flamingpdog June 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

As I remember, ranchers went through a lot of shears shaving their steel sheep.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Now, say that three times, very fast.

I remember the laydeez having a little ceramic container near the sink, in which they would keep the steel wool. They scrubbed their pots and pans with it. Eventually, it would rust up and they would throw it away.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Nah. She oils it regularly with the sweat of her Mexican gardeners.

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I do. I have used it to refinish furniture along with those long refinish gloves that look like a farmer would use to pull a breach calf.

Which, by the way, wouldn't be enough protection to get near Ann's muff.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Yeah, you were telling me about those gloves one time! I heard about them from a friend who's a large animal vet. So you use them for refinishing furniture, or are those a different type of glove?

Boy, you're a hidden talent, aren'tcha? So that's why Mom waited for *you* to fix the hope chest.

Biff June 29, 2012 at 5:30 pm

For some unknown reason, I still have a box of SOS pads under my sink. All my pans are cast iron, so they never get washed anyway. Old Habits, I guess.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Yay, a fellow-Oldz!

I remember those SOS pads, they came along later.

Barb June 29, 2012 at 4:02 pm

It's going to be hard to fluff Romney because there seems to be no end to that prick.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:04 pm

LINDA LOVELACE LIBEL!

flamingpdog June 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"

DerrickWildcat June 29, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Viagra is a Fluffer Job Killer.

Chill_Bill June 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

So is Bluffin' Willard.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Willard is a total fucking BONERkiller, dood.

– Weedlord Bonerhitler

Chill_Bill June 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

He's a ladyboner killer. (I meant job killer, btw)

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So basically it will be Mitt and a bunch of Fluffernutters?

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Always wear mittens when fluffing Mittens.

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 4:05 pm

The stacks of cash will be just the right height.

Chill_Bill June 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Wasn't "Fluff" one of Ann's dogs?

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

It was her major in college.

Chill_Bill June 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I heard that BYU offers a Masters program.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"Master Fluffer"….doesn't quite have the right ring to it.

Biff June 29, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I'm pretty sure she knows who her "master" is…

LastGasp June 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I wonder if Mitt's magic Mormon underwear will be an obstacle to all the hand jobs he'll get?

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Can you imagine working in a place where they ask you to donate $5k to something?

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

We were bribed to donate $25 to charity by being able to wear jeans all summer. I thought *that* was expensive.

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Where I work, if you somehow drive a nice car, you hide it so management won't think you're being overpaid.

anniegetyerfun June 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Ha! Last year, I ended up trading cars with my parents a number of times (like, they needed my car at one point, and then I needed their truck, and then whatever), and my CEO actually believed that I owned four different cars. He started making snide comments around the office about my salary, which was probably the second lowest in the entire company.

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

That would really piss me off, by the way.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

What an asshole. I hope he gets testicular elephantiasis.

emmelemm June 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Good grief. You're in SF, right? Whatever happened to West Coast casual?

Ugh. One blessed thing about my job is, I could wear my pajamas if I wanted to.

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Same here.

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 6:06 pm

We're normally business casual, so jeans only on Fridays and never sneakers. This summer we are truly casual, so jeans, sneakers, etc are okay all week. But no shorts (wouldn't anyways since it's freezing) or pajamas.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Did you get the email on "Bottomless Wednesdays For Ronald McDonald House"?

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

No. I cannot even imagine (any more) working some place where THEY donate $5k to YOU.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I miss my 401(k) match…

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I was remembering the days of bonuses, when El Jefe himself would come down and hand out cheques with lots of zeros in them. Back when I was first working in the industry, companies would offer to match dollar-for-dollar donations to your favourite charity, with a performance bonus added. Now you're told you should be grateful the boss lets you clean his boots with your tongue.

Biff June 29, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Back in the days I still had a jerb, they'd bring in the United Way dog and pony show once a year to hand out all the forms needed to set up an automatic monthly deduction from our already meager checks. Attendance was mandatory, but thankfully, participation wasn't.

Hera Sent Me June 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

So unions shouldn't be able to spend members' dues to support candidates, but big banks on welfare can "invite" employees to support candidates and "suggest" they each shell out several thousand (taxpayer subsidized) dollars in "voluntary" donations.

I can smell the fairness.

mavenmaven June 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

And for an extra 1000, they get to see Jean Schmidt orgasm again!

Chill_Bill June 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And for $10,000, Mitt will hook you up with Joseph Smith.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Make it $35,000 and Mitt will promise to baptize your corpse

flamingpdog June 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

And for 45K, Mitt will hook up Jean Schmidt with Joseph Smith for an out-of-this world orgasm.

Hey, those two are about the same age, aren't they?

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

They sure look it.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I used to like you until you planted that image in my head.

Kindly hand over the brain bleach and eyeball scrubbers.

Biff June 29, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I just saw that on Tweety's show–hilarious!

flamingpdog June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

The breakfast will be held at 8:00 a.m. on the 41st floor of 1585 Broadway.

I have three words: Jump! JUMP! JUUUUUUUUUUMP!!!1!

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Oh, you attended the St. Stupid's Day parade too?

Blueb4sunrise June 29, 2012 at 4:32 pm

You mean with votes? Or free speech? Or something….

Callyson June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

And in a totally completely unrelated story:

The Securities and Exchange Commission today charged a former executive at Morgan Stanley with violating the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act (FCPA) as well as securities laws for investment advisers by secretly acquiring millions of dollars worth of real estate investments for himself and an influential Chinese official who in turn steered business to Morgan Stanley’s funds.

http://www.sec.gov/news/press/2012/2012-78.htm

Assholes.

Baconzgood June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Morgan/Stanley 2012.

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

“extraordinarily successful private and public sector career,”

A single term as Governor of Massachusetts, after which he didn't run for reelection for fear he'd probably lose, along with failed Senate and Presidential campaigns is aa "extraordinarily successful public sector career"?

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

",reerac rotces cilbup dna etavirp lufsseccus yliranidroartxe"

The text works if you hold it up to a bizzaro universe mirror.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Reerac sounds like a character in a failed 70s urban sitcom…

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:31 pm

You have pointed to the first lesson in scifi/futuristic fiction. Take ANY word, reverse it to make creative alien/future character names.

nirednow_suj

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

212rotca

Wow. I never knew.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Far more successful than being President of the Harvard Law Review (didn't Mitt get his degreeS at Hahvahd? Did he make President of ANYthing other than the Mormon Boys' Jerkoff Circle?), civil rights attorney for a white-shoe firm, one of a very very small number of U.S. Senators of the darker persuasion, and winner of at least one Presidential campaign that stunned the whole world with its efficiency and broad reach.

PuckStopsHere June 29, 2012 at 4:51 pm

You are quoting a company which can lose 3-4 billion dollars overnight and tell you in the morning that they need to pay top execs hundreds of millions in order to retain "top talent". Yes, by the standards set by Wall Street, RoMoney has enjoyed an extraordinary public sector career.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 29, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Obviously, you can't afford to know the correct definition of "extraordinary".

EloquentScience July 2, 2012 at 9:24 am

Extraordinarily successful at getting a public health care bill passed in Massachusetts!

johnnyzhivago June 29, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I hear this chap Romney has some great ideas on health insurance from his past job.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:18 pm

It would be worth $2500 just to ask that during the Q&A and watch him blanch.

"I was told there wouldn't be a final exam"

Gratuitous World June 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

come for the business cards, stay for the blow.

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 4:45 pm

In Romney's case, for the blows. Les quatre cent coups, to be exact.

Serolf_Divad June 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Isn't this a bit like inviting a pig to roll around in its own shit? Do you really have to invite investment bankers to contribute $5000 to a candidate who's probably going to slash their taxes by 10 times that much per year?

anniegetyerfun June 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

EXCELLENT metaphor (possibly simile).

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

No, no, that made me smile too.

Schmannnity June 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Make checks payable to the Fund to Repeal Dodd-Frank

Callyson June 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Here's another totally completely unrelated story:

The Securities and Exchange Commission on Tuesday charged Morgan Stanley Investment Management with violations of securities laws for its scheme that charged a fund and its investors for advisory services they never got.

http://articles.marketwatch.com/2011-11-16/news/3

Christ, it's hard to keep up with these crooks…

Chichikovovich June 29, 2012 at 4:44 pm

An investigation uncovered that Morgan Stanley, as the primary investment adviser to The Malaysia Fund told investors and the fund's board of directors that it was using a sub-adviser to give advice and do research. However, the sub-adviser did not provide the promised services even as the fund annually renewed the contract at an eventual cost of $1.845 million to investors

Some of these securities frauds are sooooo complicated, it's hard to figure out what's going on with them. Thank heavens for traditionalists like Morgan Stanley, who just do things the old-fashioned way, just charging clients millions for work that was in fact never done.

pdiddycornchips June 29, 2012 at 5:04 pm

The banks are trying to unseat the Catholic church as the largest criminal cabal in the universe. They have some ground to make up but they're giving it their all.

Come here a minute June 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Does anybody here have change for a million-dollar-bill?

elburritodeluxe June 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm

2009 Thanks for not prosecuting us, President Obama!
2012 Go fuck yourself, Socialist!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I'm sure that Morgan Stanley and its line managers will respect both FEC and SEC regulations and do no more than invite their employees, without any thought of retribution or quid pro quo, just like all investment banks respected their firewalls in the subprime mortgage markets.

prommie June 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm

The rules are you get to stuff all your pockets with cash, and Mitt has to get the cash out, but you are NOT allowed to use your hands on Mitt. The bouncers will enforce this rule strictly.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 4:44 pm

That's going to piss off the Romney groupies in Provo.

Chichikovovich June 29, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Though for a particularly generous tip, you can get a private dance in our Quiet Room.

Come here a minute June 29, 2012 at 6:02 pm

If you violate, you get the dumpster, baby!

MumbletyRadio June 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Republican nominee for President of the [U]nited Untied [S]tates.

Well I thought I read "Untied." Sounds frivolous and risqué, Mittens. But for my money you need to show up unplugged too or else what makes this grandez-vous any special or different than the others?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Hey now! They're only paying four figures. You want the Full Monty, you have to pony up the big bucks. This isn't a charity drive!

SayItWithWookies June 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Ann says he's really nice and human-seeming when he's unzipped.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Dyslexics of teh wrold, untie! You've nohting to sole but your chians!

MumbletyRadio June 29, 2012 at 4:49 pm

It's been really bad this week. When reading earlier in a wonkette- linked story* the phrase "economic inequality" I re-formed it in my head as "income equity" checking to see if I'd effectively done a spoonerism out of it.

*good story, too, from Kris B's morning contribution a few days ago.

Hammiepants June 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I guess the "safe" word at the Romney/Morgan-Stanley Breakfast Sex Club must be "offshoring". Or was it "outsourcing"?

ph7 June 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

You'll be surprised how many mail clerks, secretaries, janitors and doormen at Morgan Stanley will choose to funnel contribute the $2,500 maximum donation.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"Oh, REALLY surprised", she said while rolling her eyes…

prommie June 29, 2012 at 5:04 pm

And their wives, too! You Just check ELEC after the next quarterly.

Arken June 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

"Now remember, when you meet Governor Romney, he's probably going to tell you that you're fired. Don't worry, he says that to everyone you meet. Your job is most likely safe here at Morgan Stanley… how much are you giving the Romney campaign again?"

SayItWithWookies June 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm

That's our Mittens — always out there creating jobs.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Or at least bonuses.

flamingpdog June 29, 2012 at 4:37 pm

"Republican nominee for President of the united states."

Um, I don't know about this. I do know that lowercase "united States" is common usage among "sovereign citizen" nutcases.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Outsourcing patriotism is the latest thing.

Midway117 June 29, 2012 at 5:39 pm

As is outsourcing grammar skills. Idiot bastards.

BarackMyWorld June 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Are there Republicans still trying to argue Obama is the "Wall Street candidate"? Of course there are.

Joshua Norton June 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

The email provides a brief description of Romney’s “extraordinarily successful private and public sector career,” and then urges recipients to donate to the presidential campaign.

Mittness Protection program.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 29, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I hope the breakfast comes with all the sausage you can eat.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Lindsey Graham will be there?

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm

The email was signed "or else."

unclejeems June 29, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Romney gets thousands today. He'll help Morgan Stanley to hundreds of millions in profits. Who could object? Win, win!

fuflans June 29, 2012 at 7:57 pm

well we had one good day.

ttommyunger June 29, 2012 at 10:45 pm

"And in the Master's Chambers, they gathered for the feast,
They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the Beast."

Barb June 29, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Classic!

BZ1 June 30, 2012 at 9:52 am

The Morgan Stanley that just squandered 9 billion on risky business, that one?

DahBoner July 1, 2012 at 9:04 am

Once you unzip Mitt, he's really not that stiff…

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

LOL. See that can be a planet or galaxy too!

James Michael Curley June 30, 2012 at 8:17 am

Hey, that's my telephone number.

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 4:42 pm

LOL. Nah, these are specifically for using on the furniture and with those caustics. But, I suppose I would/could use them on smaller large animals as they only go up to the elbow.

Butch_Wagstaff June 29, 2012 at 5:21 pm

*puts on a white Heloise wig*
To keep your steel wool pads from rusting, place them in a sandwich bag & put them in the freezer when not in use.
*takes off wig*

MittBorg June 29, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Oh, DARLING! Of COURSE you'd know! (kisses Butch Wagstaff's very tall head) I was actually beginning to wonder if I had dreamed it all.

I knew I should have read Heloise's helpful hints.

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