munnies

Morgan Stanley Offers Its Employees an In-House Chance To Fluff Mitt Romney

Everyone gets a free dead hookerWe don’t know how this stuff is legal, but man oh man, is it ever legal. (Or maybe it isn’t, which doesn’t mean they won’t get away with it.) In any event, everyone clear off your schedules for the morning of July 9, when a party crash will be in order. Via TPM:

In an email sent to employees on June 11, with the subject line “an invitation to meet with Mitt Romney,” a group of Morgan Stanley executives said they were “writing to invite you to a breakfast on July 9 in support of Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and Republican nominee for President of the [U]nited [S]tates.”

This is so exciting! We’re going to wear five pairs of pants.

Now if you have $5,000 bucks to spare, the executives at Morgan Stanley would appreciate you giving that Mitt Romney. But since the toilet paper at any megabank worth its salt is made of $100 bills, procuring the desired funds shouldn’t be a problem:

The email provides a brief description of Romney’s “extraordinarily successful private and public sector career,” and then urges recipients to donate to the presidential campaign.

“We hope that you will consider attending the breakfast and contributing $2,500-$5,000 in order to ensure the success of this event,” the email states. “Federal election law permits individuals to contribute a total of $2,500 per election ($5,000 for primary and general election combined)… To donate, please fill out the contributor form and send any checks or credit card contributions directly to the campaign, please do not forward contributions to our offices or to any Morgan Stanley staff.”

Yes, no hurry. The Romney administration will take care of forwarding contributions to the Morgan Stanley offices and staff once Mitt Romney takes office.

[TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • nounverb911

    For a minute there I thought the headline said "an In-House Chance To Fluff Muff".

    • flamingpdog

      Maybe he's bringing Ann with him.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I imagine Ann's muff is rusty from long disuse, and has the general taste and feel of a Brillo pad. Or, worse yet, steel wool.

        Anybody out there remember steel wool?

        • flamingpdog

          As I remember, ranchers went through a lot of shears shaving their steel sheep.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Now, say that three times, very fast.

            I remember the laydeez having a little ceramic container near the sink, in which they would keep the steel wool. They scrubbed their pots and pans with it. Eventually, it would rust up and they would throw it away.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            *puts on a white Heloise wig*
            To keep your steel wool pads from rusting, place them in a sandwich bag & put them in the freezer when not in use.
            *takes off wig*

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, DARLING! Of COURSE you'd know! (kisses Butch Wagstaff's very tall head) I was actually beginning to wonder if I had dreamed it all.

            I knew I should have read Heloise's helpful hints.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Nah. She oils it regularly with the sweat of her Mexican gardeners.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I do. I have used it to refinish furniture along with those long refinish gloves that look like a farmer would use to pull a breach calf.

          Which, by the way, wouldn't be enough protection to get near Ann's muff.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yeah, you were telling me about those gloves one time! I heard about them from a friend who's a large animal vet. So you use them for refinishing furniture, or are those a different type of glove?

            Boy, you're a hidden talent, aren'tcha? So that's why Mom waited for *you* to fix the hope chest.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            LOL. Nah, these are specifically for using on the furniture and with those caustics. But, I suppose I would/could use them on smaller large animals as they only go up to the elbow.

        • Biff

          For some unknown reason, I still have a box of SOS pads under my sink. All my pans are cast iron, so they never get washed anyway. Old Habits, I guess.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yay, a fellow-Oldz!

            I remember those SOS pads, they came along later.

  • Barb

    It's going to be hard to fluff Romney because there seems to be no end to that prick.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      LINDA LOVELACE LIBEL!

      • flamingpdog

        "Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Viagra is a Fluffer Job Killer.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

      So is Bluffin' Willard.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Willard is a total fucking BONERkiller, dood.

        — Weedlord Bonerhitler

        • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

          He's a ladyboner killer. (I meant job killer, btw)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So basically it will be Mitt and a bunch of Fluffernutters?

  • MissTaken

    Always wear mittens when fluffing Mittens.

  • nounverb911

    The stacks of cash will be just the right height.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Wasn't "Fluff" one of Ann's dogs?

    • nounverb911

      It was her major in college.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

        I heard that BYU offers a Masters program.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          "Master Fluffer"….doesn't quite have the right ring to it.

        • Biff

          I'm pretty sure she knows who her "master" is…

  • LastGasp

    I wonder if Mitt's magic Mormon underwear will be an obstacle to all the hand jobs he'll get?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Can you imagine working in a place where they ask you to donate $5k to something?

    • MissTaken

      We were bribed to donate $25 to charity by being able to wear jeans all summer. I thought *that* was expensive.

      • ChernobylSoup

        Where I work, if you somehow drive a nice car, you hide it so management won't think you're being overpaid.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Ha! Last year, I ended up trading cars with my parents a number of times (like, they needed my car at one point, and then I needed their truck, and then whatever), and my CEO actually believed that I owned four different cars. He started making snide comments around the office about my salary, which was probably the second lowest in the entire company.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            That would really piss me off, by the way.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            What an asshole. I hope he gets testicular elephantiasis.

      • emmelemm

        Good grief. You're in SF, right? Whatever happened to West Coast casual?

        Ugh. One blessed thing about my job is, I could wear my pajamas if I wanted to.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Same here.

        • MissTaken

          We're normally business casual, so jeans only on Fridays and never sneakers. This summer we are truly casual, so jeans, sneakers, etc are okay all week. But no shorts (wouldn't anyways since it's freezing) or pajamas.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        Did you get the email on "Bottomless Wednesdays For Ronald McDonald House"?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No. I cannot even imagine (any more) working some place where THEY donate $5k to YOU.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I miss my 401(k) match…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I was remembering the days of bonuses, when El Jefe himself would come down and hand out cheques with lots of zeros in them. Back when I was first working in the industry, companies would offer to match dollar-for-dollar donations to your favourite charity, with a performance bonus added. Now you're told you should be grateful the boss lets you clean his boots with your tongue.

    • Biff

      Back in the days I still had a jerb, they'd bring in the United Way dog and pony show once a year to hand out all the forms needed to set up an automatic monthly deduction from our already meager checks. Attendance was mandatory, but thankfully, participation wasn't.

  • Hera Sent Me

    So unions shouldn't be able to spend members' dues to support candidates, but big banks on welfare can "invite" employees to support candidates and "suggest" they each shell out several thousand (taxpayer subsidized) dollars in "voluntary" donations.

    I can smell the fairness.

  • mavenmaven

    And for an extra 1000, they get to see Jean Schmidt orgasm again!

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

      And for $10,000, Mitt will hook you up with Joseph Smith.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Make it $35,000 and Mitt will promise to baptize your corpse

      • flamingpdog

        And for 45K, Mitt will hook up Jean Schmidt with Joseph Smith for an out-of-this world orgasm.

        Hey, those two are about the same age, aren't they?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          They sure look it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I used to like you until you planted that image in my head.

      Kindly hand over the brain bleach and eyeball scrubbers.

    • Biff

      I just saw that on Tweety's show–hilarious!

  • flamingpdog

    The breakfast will be held at 8:00 a.m. on the 41st floor of 1585 Broadway.

    I have three words: Jump! JUMP! JUUUUUUUUUUMP!!!1!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, you attended the St. Stupid's Day parade too?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      You mean with votes? Or free speech? Or something….

  • Callyson

    And in a totally completely unrelated story:

    The Securities and Exchange Commission today charged a former executive at Morgan Stanley with violating the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act (FCPA) as well as securities laws for investment advisers by secretly acquiring millions of dollars worth of real estate investments for himself and an influential Chinese official who in turn steered business to Morgan Stanley’s funds.

    http://www.sec.gov/news/press/2012/2012-78.htm

    Assholes.

  • Baconzgood

    Morgan/Stanley 2012.

  • SorosBot

    “extraordinarily successful private and public sector career,”

    A single term as Governor of Massachusetts, after which he didn't run for reelection for fear he'd probably lose, along with failed Senate and Presidential campaigns is aa "extraordinarily successful public sector career"?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      ",reerac rotces cilbup dna etavirp lufsseccus yliranidroartxe"

      The text works if you hold it up to a bizzaro universe mirror.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Reerac sounds like a character in a failed 70s urban sitcom…

        • Jus_Wonderin

          You have pointed to the first lesson in scifi/futuristic fiction. Take ANY word, reverse it to make creative alien/future character names.

          nirednow_suj

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            212rotca

            Wow. I never knew.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            LOL. See that can be a planet or galaxy too!

          • James Michael Curley

            Hey, that's my telephone number.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Far more successful than being President of the Harvard Law Review (didn't Mitt get his degreeS at Hahvahd? Did he make President of ANYthing other than the Mormon Boys' Jerkoff Circle?), civil rights attorney for a white-shoe firm, one of a very very small number of U.S. Senators of the darker persuasion, and winner of at least one Presidential campaign that stunned the whole world with its efficiency and broad reach.

    • PuckStopsHere

      You are quoting a company which can lose 3-4 billion dollars overnight and tell you in the morning that they need to pay top execs hundreds of millions in order to retain "top talent". Yes, by the standards set by Wall Street, RoMoney has enjoyed an extraordinary public sector career.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Obviously, you can't afford to know the correct definition of "extraordinary".

    • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

      Extraordinarily successful at getting a public health care bill passed in Massachusetts!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I hear this chap Romney has some great ideas on health insurance from his past job.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It would be worth $2500 just to ask that during the Q&A and watch him blanch.

      "I was told there wouldn't be a final exam"

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    come for the business cards, stay for the blow.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      In Romney's case, for the blows. Les quatre cent coups, to be exact.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Isn't this a bit like inviting a pig to roll around in its own shit? Do you really have to invite investment bankers to contribute $5000 to a candidate who's probably going to slash their taxes by 10 times that much per year?

    • anniegetyerfun

      EXCELLENT metaphor (possibly simile).

      • Jus_Wonderin

        No, no, that made me smile too.

  • Schmannnity

    Make checks payable to the Fund to Repeal Dodd-Frank

  • Callyson

    Here's another totally completely unrelated story:

    The Securities and Exchange Commission on Tuesday charged Morgan Stanley Investment Management with violations of securities laws for its scheme that charged a fund and its investors for advisory services they never got.

    http://articles.marketwatch.com/2011-11-16/news/3

    Christ, it's hard to keep up with these crooks…

    • Chichikovovich

      An investigation uncovered that Morgan Stanley, as the primary investment adviser to The Malaysia Fund told investors and the fund's board of directors that it was using a sub-adviser to give advice and do research. However, the sub-adviser did not provide the promised services even as the fund annually renewed the contract at an eventual cost of $1.845 million to investors

      Some of these securities frauds are sooooo complicated, it's hard to figure out what's going on with them. Thank heavens for traditionalists like Morgan Stanley, who just do things the old-fashioned way, just charging clients millions for work that was in fact never done.

    • pdiddycornchips

      The banks are trying to unseat the Catholic church as the largest criminal cabal in the universe. They have some ground to make up but they're giving it their all.

  • Come here a minute

    Does anybody here have change for a million-dollar-bill?

  • elburritodeluxe

    2009 Thanks for not prosecuting us, President Obama!
    2012 Go fuck yourself, Socialist!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'm sure that Morgan Stanley and its line managers will respect both FEC and SEC regulations and do no more than invite their employees, without any thought of retribution or quid pro quo, just like all investment banks respected their firewalls in the subprime mortgage markets.

  • prommie

    The rules are you get to stuff all your pockets with cash, and Mitt has to get the cash out, but you are NOT allowed to use your hands on Mitt. The bouncers will enforce this rule strictly.

    • TribecaMike

      That's going to piss off the Romney groupies in Provo.

    • Chichikovovich

      Though for a particularly generous tip, you can get a private dance in our Quiet Room.

    • Come here a minute

      If you violate, you get the dumpster, baby!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyRadio

    Republican nominee for President of the [U]nited Untied [S]tates.

    Well I thought I read "Untied." Sounds frivolous and risqué, Mittens. But for my money you need to show up unplugged too or else what makes this grandez-vous any special or different than the others?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey now! They're only paying four figures. You want the Full Monty, you have to pony up the big bucks. This isn't a charity drive!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Ann says he's really nice and human-seeming when he's unzipped.

    • scvirginia

      Dyslexics of teh wrold, untie! You've nohting to sole but your chians!

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyRadio

        It's been really bad this week. When reading earlier in a wonkette- linked story* the phrase "economic inequality" I re-formed it in my head as "income equity" checking to see if I'd effectively done a spoonerism out of it.

        *good story, too, from Kris B's morning contribution a few days ago.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    I guess the "safe" word at the Romney/Morgan-Stanley Breakfast Sex Club must be "offshoring". Or was it "outsourcing"?

  • ph7

    You'll be surprised how many mail clerks, secretaries, janitors and doormen at Morgan Stanley will choose to funnel contribute the $2,500 maximum donation.

    • scvirginia

      "Oh, REALLY surprised", she said while rolling her eyes…

    • prommie

      And their wives, too! You Just check ELEC after the next quarterly.

  • Arken

    "Now remember, when you meet Governor Romney, he's probably going to tell you that you're fired. Don't worry, he says that to everyone you meet. Your job is most likely safe here at Morgan Stanley… how much are you giving the Romney campaign again?"

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's our Mittens — always out there creating jobs.

    • TribecaMike

      Or at least bonuses.

  • flamingpdog

    "Republican nominee for President of the united states."

    Um, I don't know about this. I do know that lowercase "united States" is common usage among "sovereign citizen" nutcases.

    • TribecaMike

      Outsourcing patriotism is the latest thing.

      • Midway117

        As is outsourcing grammar skills. Idiot bastards.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Are there Republicans still trying to argue Obama is the "Wall Street candidate"? Of course there are.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    The email provides a brief description of Romney’s “extraordinarily successful private and public sector career,” and then urges recipients to donate to the presidential campaign.

    Mittness Protection program.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I hope the breakfast comes with all the sausage you can eat.

    • TribecaMike

      Lindsey Graham will be there?

  • Guppy

    The email was signed "or else."

  • unclejeems

    Romney gets thousands today. He'll help Morgan Stanley to hundreds of millions in profits. Who could object? Win, win!

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    well we had one good day.

  • ttommyunger

    "And in the Master's Chambers, they gathered for the feast,
    They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the Beast."

    • Barb

      Classic!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The Morgan Stanley that just squandered 9 billion on risky business, that one?

  • DahBoner

    Once you unzip Mitt, he's really not that stiff…