OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!  3:14 pm June 29, 2012

Are You A French Person Fleeing Socialism? Buy This New Jersey Manse, Off Craigslist!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Is there anything that isn't Carla Bruni's fault?We guess this New Jersey homeowner has not heard the terrible news that Barack NOBAMA has turned the Good Ol’ US of A into a socialist nightmare, as he has taken to the pixels of Craigslist to offer up this gorgeous Gary Gardner-built manse for only $3.175 million to those Franch elite (or Franch elite sympathizers) who want to flee the newly Socialist France before President Francois Hollande makes with the “off with their heads!”

Have you heard the joke about the French Socialist? No. That’s because there is absolutely nothing funny about the Socialist Party, or the Parti socialiste, and its return to power in France. Were it not for Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his affection for chamber maids and anti-Sarkozy sentiment based completely on the fact that his wife is more beautiful, more charming, richer and, frankly, a better singer than nearly all the French women, France would be looking at another term for Sarkozy and continued prosperity for their one percent. Now new French president Monsieur François Hollande has been sworn in and will soon be sworn at by any French person concerned about France’s economy and its role, along with Germany, of keeping the European Union in its current state of hopeful legitimacy.

But is there more? OUI.

We will just give you the whole thing, because it is “franc”-ly beautiful!

But what’s with the doom and gloom? The Economist called Hollande “rather dangerous” and “bad for his country.” You can’t argue with The Economist. For starters, to understand more than 30-percent of any article in that magazine, you have to have McArthur Grant or Rhode Scholar somewhere on your CV.

Hollande’s policies include: imposing a 75% top income-tax rate, returning the pension age to 60 placing more seniors on public assistance, and most concerning of all, hiring 60,000 new teachers. Sacrebleu!

Although he pledges to cut the budget deficit and improve France’s creditworthiness, he plans to do so by raising taxes, not cutting spending. What is a French family of means, or an extremely empathetic Francophile here in the states to do in the face of this economic peril? The answer is simple: Trade one red, white and blue flag for another. Flee to America. The time has come to relocate to a gorgeous French-inspired estate in Moorestown, also known as the Neuilly-sur-Seine of New Jersey. Take refuge from the Socialists, impending austerity and tax attacks on the wealthy by seeking asylum in one of the most beloved towns in the mid-Atlantic states.

This stunning estate sits on over 3 acres on a quiet cul-de-sac. Nine other premier, custom homes surround this property which is close to the center of historic Moorestown. The local Main Street offers the cafe lifestyle. Just across the river, Philadelphia presents touches of France to cure homesickness. Parc, Bibou and the newly revitalized Le Bec Fin restaurants await the refine tastes of French ex-pats.

Trading the Champs-Élysées for the Benjamin Franklin Parkway has never been more appealing with a home of this stature ready for occupancy. Surrounded by professional landscaping, mature trees and sweeping lawns, this Gary Gardner built 5 bedroom classic residence showcases quality craftsmanship, custom woodwork & exquisite design all in a private setting. The home features every element and all the touches expected in this price range. We won’t detail them here because you should be packing before the angry mobs begin forming.

However, worth noting is the custom redwood shelved 2,000-bottle wine cellar, ideal for relocating a wine collection before the Occupy Movement makes its way to cellars throughout France looking for their “fair” share of Bordeaux. Don’t let warm memories of Mitterand fool you. The veil of history and passing of time has softened his legacy and the impact Parti socialiste had on the country. After all, Mitterand was the man who allowed the pyramid to disfigure the Louvre. Do you need more evidence that it is time to leave? Schedule a showing of this magnificent property today.

DO IT. DO IT NOW. OCCUPY IS COMING FOR YOUR WINE BOTTLES. The end. [CraigsList]

 
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{ 131 comments }

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm

This country needs more Frenching

OzoneTom June 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Don't you mean Freedoming?

prommie June 29, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Oh, and hickies, too! And making those little paper things that you can ask questions like "does he like me" and it will tell you yes or no!

Lascauxcaveman June 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

What kind of American would even consider selling his house to goddam cheese-eating surrender monkey who couldn't even manage to elect a white male American Republican president to the throne of France?

Not a real American, that's for sure.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 5:00 pm

And for that you deserve a good tongue lashing.

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Isn't Chris Christie a socialist when it comes to his stomach?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Are you kidding? What's his is his and what's yours is his.

SmutBoffin June 29, 2012 at 3:26 pm

From each according to his abilities,; to each according to his appetite.

Crank_Tango June 29, 2012 at 5:23 pm

People is food too, my friend.

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Is there a pet door for my surrender monkey?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

This is not a good day for Bill O'Reilly.

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Isn't that the house from the Sopranos?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Hey, say what you will about the French Socialists, but at least François Hollande ain't a Kenyan. Amiright?

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 3:21 pm

George Bush?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Actually, New Jersey is a good place for the French, as the smell of the waste disposal facilities should keep you from smelling all the cheese they will be eating.

nounverb911 June 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

When I was driving home from college, I could tell how close to home I was by the smell of the oil refineries.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

She told me to kiss her where it smelled, so I drove her to Elizabeth.

prommie June 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Good afternoon, ladies!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Or the showers they won't be taking

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Unfortunately for the French Christie has already eaten all the cheese.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Fortunately for the French, it was Velveeta…

Texan_Bulldog June 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Is this the house where Mittens did his Mormon internship…in lieu of serving America? He mentioned he had to rough it when he was in France.

iburl June 29, 2012 at 4:05 pm

It was only rough because they are stinkier when you are tackling them and cutting off their hair.

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 3:23 pm

A little over two centuries ago, France had a good idea for how to deal with their 1%-ers.

emmelemm June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"Just sayin'"

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:29 pm

A little off the top, please.

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 3:34 pm

We won’t detail them here because you should be packing before the angry mobs begin forming.

Sounds like the French may be going back to the classics soon, after all.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Who will volunteer to play Charlotte Corday to Grover Norquist's Jean-Paul Marat? Using votes, bien sûr…

Chichikovovich June 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Though instead of stabbing [with votes] in the bathtub, poetic aptness would demand drowning [with votes].

But I'm also seeing the obvious problem: it requires someone willing to see Grover Norquist naked.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

A stumbling block, indeed. Mayhaps we need not follow the script too closely?

hippie13 June 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Yes, it was called taking 15% off the top…Guillotine as charged.

BarackMyWorld June 29, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Isn't moving from France to New Jersey is kind o like moving from a penthouse apartment to your parents' basement?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Mais non, mon ami, c'est comme passer de pied à terre de votre maîtresse à votre niche à chien.

(It's like moving from your mistress's pied a terre to the dog house.)

prommie June 29, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Fuck all y'all motherfuckers. Moorestown is nice as hell, and will be even nicer when this fuck sells and moves out.

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Green Acres we are there!

chascates June 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Socialist fire departments, socialist libraries, socialist food safety, and now socialist heath care. I blame Benjamin Franklin for this. He started a library AND a fire department and he's not around to say anything different.

MosesInvests July 1, 2012 at 7:42 pm

And the Postal Service, no?

PuckStopsHere June 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Remember, you are not considered an illegal immigrant if you have enough Benjamins in your (Swiss) bank account.

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

A good realtor would advertise this as a Freedom Mansion.

Boojum June 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Or McMansion.

hippie13 June 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

or mcfreedom mcmansion

hippie13 June 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

As well as tickets to attend a Springsteen concert with the gov.

MLHencken June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Well, they love Jerry Lewis, so Jersey's not that much of a stretch. They probably think Snooki is some sort of brilliant auteur.

Boojum June 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Is that how you spell "whore" in Frankish?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Auteur?

Actually…yes! Now that you mention it.

MLHencken June 30, 2012 at 1:48 pm

When the horrible day comes that such childish antics become interpreted — even mistakenly — as performance art we can all start taking dumps on each other's property and requesting it be mounted for posterity.

fuflans June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

having just completed my weekly slog thru the economist i can't possibly be expected to read anything this long.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I hope you didn't argue with The Economist- I hear that's not allowed.

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 29, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Reading last week's before the new one shows up? I'm about three years behind.

SexySmurf June 29, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Have you heard the joke about the French Socialist?

He likes to share his rudeness and body odor with the people?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Hey!

Boojum June 29, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Tres bien, Rebecca Guillotine!

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 3:41 pm

The knitting needles are clicking, clicking…

Allmighty_Manos June 29, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I heard Greece doesn't worry too much about tax collection.

CrunchyKnee June 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Ooo-la-la, Mister Frenchman…"C.V.?" I bet you call your car-hole a garage as well. Who's the real socialist?

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Really gotta wonder why he didn't use the perfectly good French word, "resumé", don't you?

GunToting[Redacted] June 29, 2012 at 5:19 pm

It sounded better in the original Vichy.

deanbooth June 30, 2012 at 11:56 am

You mean a job list? I have a stack of job lists in my car hole.

DerrickWildcat June 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

An advanced Face-Eater scout has arrived on Earth also. It was terminated by a Plasma gun (they didn't tell you that in the news), but more are coming!
Be very watchful.

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Yet another fucking moron who doesn't understand the meaning of the word "austerity".

Clearly, there's nothing even remotely like a McArthur grant or Rhodes scholarship on this turd's resumé, so what on earth makes him think he understands The Economist well enough to summarize it for others?

Hollande’s policies include: imposing a 75% top income-tax rate, returning the pension age to 60 placing more seniors on public assistance, and most concerning of all, hiring 60,000 new teachers. Sacrebleu!

So, M. Hollande is going to increase revenue now, slash the unemployment rate dramatically, and invest in France's future. Run! Run for the hills!

Also too, he appears to violate the Flag Code with his last image over there at Craigslist.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I think you and Rebecca have been punked.

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Joshua Norton June 29, 2012 at 3:34 pm

OCCUPY IS COMING FOR YOUR WINE BOTTLES.

You can have my Two Buck Chuck when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Boojum June 29, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Or cold, dead, vomit caked lips.

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

What, pray tell, is a wine bottle?

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I believe they are used by the hoi polloi in France when they make their Molotov cocktails? Wine boxes do not have the same effect…

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:09 pm

They're coming for your wine bottles. Gin and whiskey are still safe.

Infrogmation June 29, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I had a friend who stayed in New Orleans through the Katrina aftermath. Oh, you should know that it's common for the average New Orleans grocery store to have a better selection of wine than can be found in the entire state of Mississippi. Anyway, while looking for "salvage" he came to a grocery store that had already been picked over the day before. To his delight, he found that all the screw-top wine had been taken, but the corked wine bottles were still there for him.

The lesson being that when civilization collapses, the man with a corkscrew in his pocket can drink like a king.

Baconzgood June 29, 2012 at 3:36 pm

What the fuck is this guy talking about? Let's make it easier. For Sale:Home and what not.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

He prefers not to sell to les socialistes who plan moving here to be in the vanguard of the proletariat…

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Have you heard the joke about the French Socialist?

Uh, you mean the joke where the French guy with healthcare and a decent pension plan spends his 6 weeks of paid holiday drinking liters of wine and banging a super hot, skinny French lady who wears nothing but silk brassieres and garters all day? That one?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

My fantasies are just jokes to you, now?

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Now you've made me jealous of the French socialists all over again. And really, who wouldn't want to experience that, aside from hate-filled douchebags who get off on seeing other suffer?

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Having recently sat next to a group of French teens waiting to get on a plane, me. Sadly, they strongly reinforced the negative stereotypes about French people and BO… it was all I could do not to yack.

prommie June 29, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Just 6 weeks? What France are you talking about?

In the Languedoc, they sell wine from pumps, like gas pumps; you bring your 5-gallon wine-jug to the store and no shit, they pump it from a big thing like a gas pump.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 29, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I think the punch line is where he wakes up in a New Jersey McMansion.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:59 pm

And his neighbors realize he's French and has health insurance.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 29, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I was going to add "and the voice coming from the bathroom sounds a lot like Snooki." But sure, throw in the neighbors.

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Now now, no need to exaggerate here.

The French lady will be allowed to wear an apron while cooking.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

You can’t argue with The Economist. For starters, to understand more than 30-percent of any article in that magazine, you have to have McArthur Grant or Rhode Scholar somewhere on your CV.

Or you have to speak alright English.

GunToting[Redacted] June 29, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I had a Rhode Scholar on my CV once. I had to ask him to move.

fuflans June 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

hey mr. 1%-loving new jersey real estate broker:

as a regular reader of 'the economist' i can tell you that the reason the french socialists now hold the presidency, the senate, the national assembly and all but one of the 22 regions has nothing whatsoever to do with the lovely carla bruni.

i can also tell you that 'the economist' would be more comprehensible to more americans if we had more socialists secularizing and funding our education.

and even without 'the economist', i can tell that you are a tool.

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 3:42 pm

When will this episode be on HGTV?

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 3:52 pm

When it arrives via TGV?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Nicely played, sir!

*POLITE GOLF CLAP*

Martini?

fuflans June 29, 2012 at 3:46 pm

can you imagine exchanging paris for new jersey?

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Only by thinking like a wingnut.

prommie June 29, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Convenient to beautiful downtown Camden and the glorious great white way of Admiral Wilson Boulevard. Yay!

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 3:46 pm

The home features every element and all the touches expected in this price range. We won’t detail them here

Remember that Richard Pryor movie "Moving" where they are looking at the house they want to buy and the current owners keep saying "we're taking that!" whenever Pryor and his wife liked a sink or something as if it was a funny joke? When they finally moved in the entire house was gutted. I suspect something similar may happen here.

mavenmaven June 29, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"to understand more than 30-percent of any article in that magazine, you have to have McArthur Grant or Rhode Scholar somewhere on your CV."
That's nothing compared to what you need to get p-points on Wonkette!
(and to think, I was once cited in the Economist, and I have neither)

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 3:47 pm

If you show up early to the open house, you can watch Annette Bening slap herself.

MumbletyRadio June 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Oh that is an excellent flashback.
I'm neither here nor there far as Bening's concerned — but happened upon a weird media mixed-call when it was purported that she claimed to be "the model on which the updated [c. 1992] model for Columbia Pictures' logo is based " — you know the lady draped and holding a torch. The actual woman who modeled for it was part of last night's Jeopardy! trivia and as I'd forgotten her name, looking it up online later put me in touch w/ this whole Bening story.

Callyson June 29, 2012 at 3:48 pm

keeping the European Union in its current state of hopeful legitimacy

Really? Looks more like ever – deepening despair mixed with panic over what the future holds, since this austerity crap is not fixing the economy, to me…

prommie June 29, 2012 at 3:49 pm

How come "austerity" never means "the rich pay a little more?" Why does it only mean "the poor suffer more?"

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Because if you tax the rich they might move off to France, England, Italy, Canada, Spain.

Good question.

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Singapore.

snarkycomments June 30, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Dubai. Or, Narnia.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Because if they pay a little more nobody suffers more, & some suffer less?

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

When you think about it, if you ask yourself on any legislative question, "which option will cause more suffering", the answer will inevitably be the GOP's position.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

The puritanical legacy of the WASP is the gift that keeps on giving, eh?

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Indeed, if only it were easier to return to sender with a big “DO NOT WANT!” label.

BlueStateLibel June 29, 2012 at 3:50 pm

You know what other Frenchman fled to New Jersey? Napoleon's brother, Joseph (it's true). Not surprisingly, a few years later and he was quickly fleeing back to France.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 29, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Judging from the situation at the Swiss border, the 1% are in full flight.

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:12 pm

How many Viagras per 100 km does it take to fuel that many mid-life crises?

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 3:57 pm

This thing is obviously either Elaborate Liberal Snark, or mon dieu, we have actually found the only known Funny Wingnut Author!

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Has to be the former since the latter does not exist.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Ha! Makes me think of Guy Clark:

"Hard cheese about the money, man
Hard cheese about the stock
Hard cheese about you bein'
Up to your ears in hock…"

Ruhe June 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

But on the Jersey Shore everyone goes sans culottes, no?

Chichikovovich June 29, 2012 at 4:09 pm

And thanks to weight watchers, they're all prisoners of starvation.

Chichikovovich June 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

a gorgeous French-inspired estate

And I expect it is "French-inspired" in the sense that Three Musketeers Chocolate bars are.*

*Aside – there is a brand of ice cream called "Medieval Madness" – so-called, apparently because they have fragments of Three Musketeers bars mixed in. And the Three Musketeers were characters in a fiction set in medieval times. Or at any rate, in a period only several hundred years distant from medieval times, which is like totally the same thing.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Medieval, Musketeers- both start with an emm-sound & both have LOTS of syllables…

jaytingle July 4, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Touché.

Redhead June 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"Schedule a showing of this magnificent property today…

… To do so, please contact my cousin (he's a Nigerian Prince, so you KNOW this house was built for royalty!) and he'll be glad to show you around. You'll just need to mail him a money order for $895,599 so that he can purchase your plane ticket, you know, before the mobs take over the internet, and then he'll mail the plane ticket to you."

Monsieur_Grumpe June 29, 2012 at 4:11 pm

We'll take him if he brings something along the lines of the Statue of Liberty.

barto June 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That's cool! Now you'll get to pay taxes in TWO countries. Zoot allures, quel imbécile.

edgydrifter June 29, 2012 at 4:31 pm

If you're a sophisticated Frenchy with $3.175M burning a hole in your beret, you're not buying a suburban house in New Fucking Jersey. You're buying a nice condo in Monaco. 0% income tax and a view of the Mediterranean is better than anything here in the states. Since The Economist is laughably incomprehensible to you, I'll wager you didn't know that. Or even that Monaco exists. Maybe you can find a Russian crime boss who'd be interested in Chateau Douche. I hear they like tacky, expensive shit like this.

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Would even the Russian Mafia deign to be seen in New Jersey, though?

GunToting[Redacted] June 29, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Only if the house comes with its own miniature giraffe.

Slim_Pickins June 29, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Hollande is a blah, African muslin? I never would have guessed!

elburritodeluxe June 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Yeah, those wealthy French are gonna come running for a cheaply constructed mega-McMansion in freakin Moorestown!

Don't worry, wealthy French people, there's an Applebees and a Walmart in Cinnaminson, it's just a couple miles away!

StarsUponThars June 29, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Now see, you learn something new every day. For example, I did not know that the French term for "attempted rape of" is actually pronounced "affection for."

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I'm pretty sure that Christie has an aid following him around at all times with a can of aerosol cheese to top him off whenever necessary.

finette_ June 29, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Hrm. Doesn't seem to know that Carla Bruni is a lefty, does he?

Also, warm memories of Mitterrand, LOL. Dude was disallowed from smiling in public by his own advisors because he looked like a shark.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Once again, the ghost of Serge Gainsbourg has the last rire.

sullivanst June 29, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Hmm, my attempt to reply via email apparently got lost in the tubes.

I don't have any formal education in economics, so I don't know the name. It seems like it might be the idea of the "marginal utility of income", though.

Butch_Wagstaff June 29, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Worst Missed Connections ad ever.

ttommyunger June 29, 2012 at 10:40 pm

But, but, you'd have to actually live in Jersey, right? Not gonna happen.

M. Bouffant June 30, 2012 at 12:14 am

Va te faire enculer, M. le con de Moorestown!

calliecallie June 30, 2012 at 9:17 am

"Just across the river, Philadelphia presents touches of France to cure homesickness."

And if you like that, I have some swampland in Florida that's reminiscent of the Riviera.

BZ1 June 30, 2012 at 9:59 am

and "all the touches expected in this price range…" touché to you!

DahBoner July 1, 2012 at 9:11 am

Philly's right across the river, in case you frogs have to wee wee…

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