off with their heads!

Are You A French Person Fleeing Socialism? Buy This New Jersey Manse, Off Craigslist!

Is there anything that isn't Carla Bruni's fault?We guess this New Jersey homeowner has not heard the terrible news that Barack NOBAMA has turned the Good Ol’ US of A into a socialist nightmare, as he has taken to the pixels of Craigslist to offer up this gorgeous Gary Gardner-built manse for only $3.175 million to those Franch elite (or Franch elite sympathizers) who want to flee the newly Socialist France before President Francois Hollande makes with the “off with their heads!”

Have you heard the joke about the French Socialist? No. That’s because there is absolutely nothing funny about the Socialist Party, or the Parti socialiste, and its return to power in France. Were it not for Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his affection for chamber maids and anti-Sarkozy sentiment based completely on the fact that his wife is more beautiful, more charming, richer and, frankly, a better singer than nearly all the French women, France would be looking at another term for Sarkozy and continued prosperity for their one percent. Now new French president Monsieur François Hollande has been sworn in and will soon be sworn at by any French person concerned about France’s economy and its role, along with Germany, of keeping the European Union in its current state of hopeful legitimacy.

But is there more? OUI.

We will just give you the whole thing, because it is “franc”-ly beautiful!

But what’s with the doom and gloom? The Economist called Hollande “rather dangerous” and “bad for his country.” You can’t argue with The Economist. For starters, to understand more than 30-percent of any article in that magazine, you have to have McArthur Grant or Rhode Scholar somewhere on your CV.

Hollande’s policies include: imposing a 75% top income-tax rate, returning the pension age to 60 placing more seniors on public assistance, and most concerning of all, hiring 60,000 new teachers. Sacrebleu!

Although he pledges to cut the budget deficit and improve France’s creditworthiness, he plans to do so by raising taxes, not cutting spending. What is a French family of means, or an extremely empathetic Francophile here in the states to do in the face of this economic peril? The answer is simple: Trade one red, white and blue flag for another. Flee to America. The time has come to relocate to a gorgeous French-inspired estate in Moorestown, also known as the Neuilly-sur-Seine of New Jersey. Take refuge from the Socialists, impending austerity and tax attacks on the wealthy by seeking asylum in one of the most beloved towns in the mid-Atlantic states.

This stunning estate sits on over 3 acres on a quiet cul-de-sac. Nine other premier, custom homes surround this property which is close to the center of historic Moorestown. The local Main Street offers the cafe lifestyle. Just across the river, Philadelphia presents touches of France to cure homesickness. Parc, Bibou and the newly revitalized Le Bec Fin restaurants await the refine tastes of French ex-pats.

Trading the Champs-Élysées for the Benjamin Franklin Parkway has never been more appealing with a home of this stature ready for occupancy. Surrounded by professional landscaping, mature trees and sweeping lawns, this Gary Gardner built 5 bedroom classic residence showcases quality craftsmanship, custom woodwork & exquisite design all in a private setting. The home features every element and all the touches expected in this price range. We won’t detail them here because you should be packing before the angry mobs begin forming.

However, worth noting is the custom redwood shelved 2,000-bottle wine cellar, ideal for relocating a wine collection before the Occupy Movement makes its way to cellars throughout France looking for their “fair” share of Bordeaux. Don’t let warm memories of Mitterand fool you. The veil of history and passing of time has softened his legacy and the impact Parti socialiste had on the country. After all, Mitterand was the man who allowed the pyramid to disfigure the Louvre. Do you need more evidence that it is time to leave? Schedule a showing of this magnificent property today.

DO IT. DO IT NOW. OCCUPY IS COMING FOR YOUR WINE BOTTLES. The end. [CraigsList]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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131 comments

    1. prommie

      Oh, and hickies, too! And making those little paper things that you can ask questions like "does he like me" and it will tell you yes or no!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      What kind of American would even consider selling his house to goddam cheese-eating surrender monkey who couldn't even manage to elect a white male American Republican president to the throne of France?

      Not a real American, that's for sure.

  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hey, say what you will about the French Socialists, but at least François Hollande ain't a Kenyan. Amiright?

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, New Jersey is a good place for the French, as the smell of the waste disposal facilities should keep you from smelling all the cheese they will be eating.

    1. nounverb911

      When I was driving home from college, I could tell how close to home I was by the smell of the oil refineries.

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Is this the house where Mittens did his Mormon internship…in lieu of serving America? He mentioned he had to rough it when he was in France.

  4. SorosBot

    A little over two centuries ago, France had a good idea for how to deal with their 1%-ers.

    1. MissTaken

      We won’t detail them here because you should be packing before the angry mobs begin forming.

      Sounds like the French may be going back to the classics soon, after all.

    2. scvirginia

      Who will volunteer to play Charlotte Corday to Grover Norquist's Jean-Paul Marat? Using votes, bien sûr…

      1. Chichikovovich

        Though instead of stabbing [with votes] in the bathtub, poetic aptness would demand drowning [with votes].

        But I'm also seeing the obvious problem: it requires someone willing to see Grover Norquist naked.

  5. BarackMyWorld

    Isn't moving from France to New Jersey is kind o like moving from a penthouse apartment to your parents' basement?

    1. actor212

      Mais non, mon ami, c'est comme passer de pied à terre de votre maîtresse à votre niche à chien.

      (It's like moving from your mistress's pied a terre to the dog house.)

      1. prommie

        Fuck all y'all motherfuckers. Moorestown is nice as hell, and will be even nicer when this fuck sells and moves out.

  6. chascates

    Socialist fire departments, socialist libraries, socialist food safety, and now socialist heath care. I blame Benjamin Franklin for this. He started a library AND a fire department and he's not around to say anything different.

  7. PuckStopsHere

    Remember, you are not considered an illegal immigrant if you have enough Benjamins in your (Swiss) bank account.

  8. MLHencken

    Well, they love Jerry Lewis, so Jersey's not that much of a stretch. They probably think Snooki is some sort of brilliant auteur.

        1. MLHencken

          When the horrible day comes that such childish antics become interpreted — even mistakenly — as performance art we can all start taking dumps on each other's property and requesting it be mounted for posterity.

  9. SexySmurf

    Have you heard the joke about the French Socialist?

    He likes to share his rudeness and body odor with the people?

  10. CrunchyKnee

    Ooo-la-la, Mister Frenchman…"C.V.?" I bet you call your car-hole a garage as well. Who's the real socialist?

    1. sullivanst

      Really gotta wonder why he didn't use the perfectly good French word, "resumé", don't you?

  11. DerrickWildcat

    An advanced Face-Eater scout has arrived on Earth also. It was terminated by a Plasma gun (they didn't tell you that in the news), but more are coming!
    Be very watchful.

  12. sullivanst

    Yet another fucking moron who doesn't understand the meaning of the word "austerity".

    Clearly, there's nothing even remotely like a McArthur grant or Rhodes scholarship on this turd's resumé, so what on earth makes him think he understands The Economist well enough to summarize it for others?

    Hollande’s policies include: imposing a 75% top income-tax rate, returning the pension age to 60 placing more seniors on public assistance, and most concerning of all, hiring 60,000 new teachers. Sacrebleu!

    So, M. Hollande is going to increase revenue now, slash the unemployment rate dramatically, and invest in France's future. Run! Run for the hills!

    Also too, he appears to violate the Flag Code with his last image over there at Craigslist.

      1. scvirginia

        I believe they are used by the hoi polloi in France when they make their Molotov cocktails? Wine boxes do not have the same effect…

    1. Infrogmation

      I had a friend who stayed in New Orleans through the Katrina aftermath. Oh, you should know that it's common for the average New Orleans grocery store to have a better selection of wine than can be found in the entire state of Mississippi. Anyway, while looking for "salvage" he came to a grocery store that had already been picked over the day before. To his delight, he found that all the screw-top wine had been taken, but the corked wine bottles were still there for him.

      The lesson being that when civilization collapses, the man with a corkscrew in his pocket can drink like a king.

  13. Baconzgood

    What the fuck is this guy talking about? Let's make it easier. For Sale:Home and what not.

    1. scvirginia

      He prefers not to sell to les socialistes who plan moving here to be in the vanguard of the proletariat…

  14. MissTaken

    Have you heard the joke about the French Socialist?

    Uh, you mean the joke where the French guy with healthcare and a decent pension plan spends his 6 weeks of paid holiday drinking liters of wine and banging a super hot, skinny French lady who wears nothing but silk brassieres and garters all day? That one?

    1. SorosBot

      Now you've made me jealous of the French socialists all over again. And really, who wouldn't want to experience that, aside from hate-filled douchebags who get off on seeing other suffer?

      1. sullivanst

        Having recently sat next to a group of French teens waiting to get on a plane, me. Sadly, they strongly reinforced the negative stereotypes about French people and BO… it was all I could do not to yack.

    2. prommie

      Just 6 weeks? What France are you talking about?

      In the Languedoc, they sell wine from pumps, like gas pumps; you bring your 5-gallon wine-jug to the store and no shit, they pump it from a big thing like a gas pump.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I was going to add "and the voice coming from the bathroom sounds a lot like Snooki." But sure, throw in the neighbors.

    3. Guppy

      Now now, no need to exaggerate here.

      The French lady will be allowed to wear an apron while cooking.

  15. actor212

    You can’t argue with The Economist. For starters, to understand more than 30-percent of any article in that magazine, you have to have McArthur Grant or Rhode Scholar somewhere on your CV.

    Or you have to speak alright English.

  16. fuflans

    hey mr. 1%-loving new jersey real estate broker:

    as a regular reader of 'the economist' i can tell you that the reason the french socialists now hold the presidency, the senate, the national assembly and all but one of the 22 regions has nothing whatsoever to do with the lovely carla bruni.

    i can also tell you that 'the economist' would be more comprehensible to more americans if we had more socialists secularizing and funding our education.

    and even without 'the economist', i can tell that you are a tool.

  17. prommie

    Convenient to beautiful downtown Camden and the glorious great white way of Admiral Wilson Boulevard. Yay!

  18. MissTaken

    The home features every element and all the touches expected in this price range. We won’t detail them here

    Remember that Richard Pryor movie "Moving" where they are looking at the house they want to buy and the current owners keep saying "we're taking that!" whenever Pryor and his wife liked a sink or something as if it was a funny joke? When they finally moved in the entire house was gutted. I suspect something similar may happen here.

  19. mavenmaven

    "to understand more than 30-percent of any article in that magazine, you have to have McArthur Grant or Rhode Scholar somewhere on your CV."
    That's nothing compared to what you need to get p-points on Wonkette!
    (and to think, I was once cited in the Economist, and I have neither)

  20. ChernobylSoup

    If you show up early to the open house, you can watch Annette Bening slap herself.

    1. MumbletyRadio

      Oh that is an excellent flashback.
      I'm neither here nor there far as Bening's concerned — but happened upon a weird media mixed-call when it was purported that she claimed to be "the model on which the updated [c. 1992] model for Columbia Pictures' logo is based " — you know the lady draped and holding a torch. The actual woman who modeled for it was part of last night's Jeopardy! trivia and as I'd forgotten her name, looking it up online later put me in touch w/ this whole Bening story.

  21. Callyson

    keeping the European Union in its current state of hopeful legitimacy

    Really? Looks more like ever – deepening despair mixed with panic over what the future holds, since this austerity crap is not fixing the economy, to me…

  22. prommie

    How come "austerity" never means "the rich pay a little more?" Why does it only mean "the poor suffer more?"

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Because if you tax the rich they might move off to France, England, Italy, Canada, Spain.

      Good question.

      1. sullivanst

        When you think about it, if you ask yourself on any legislative question, "which option will cause more suffering", the answer will inevitably be the GOP's position.

          1. sullivanst

            Indeed, if only it were easier to return to sender with a big “DO NOT WANT!” label.

  23. BlueStateLibel

    You know what other Frenchman fled to New Jersey? Napoleon's brother, Joseph (it's true). Not surprisingly, a few years later and he was quickly fleeing back to France.

  24. scvirginia

    Ha! Makes me think of Guy Clark:

    "Hard cheese about the money, man
    Hard cheese about the stock
    Hard cheese about you bein'
    Up to your ears in hock…"

  25. Chichikovovich

    a gorgeous French-inspired estate

    And I expect it is "French-inspired" in the sense that Three Musketeers Chocolate bars are.*

    *Aside – there is a brand of ice cream called "Medieval Madness" – so-called, apparently because they have fragments of Three Musketeers bars mixed in. And the Three Musketeers were characters in a fiction set in medieval times. Or at any rate, in a period only several hundred years distant from medieval times, which is like totally the same thing.

    1. scvirginia

      Medieval, Musketeers- both start with an emm-sound & both have LOTS of syllables…

  26. Redhead

    "Schedule a showing of this magnificent property today…

    … To do so, please contact my cousin (he's a Nigerian Prince, so you KNOW this house was built for royalty!) and he'll be glad to show you around. You'll just need to mail him a money order for $895,599 so that he can purchase your plane ticket, you know, before the mobs take over the internet, and then he'll mail the plane ticket to you."

  27. Monsieur_Grumpe

    We'll take him if he brings something along the lines of the Statue of Liberty.

  28. barto

    That's cool! Now you'll get to pay taxes in TWO countries. Zoot allures, quel imbécile.

  29. edgydrifter

    If you're a sophisticated Frenchy with $3.175M burning a hole in your beret, you're not buying a suburban house in New Fucking Jersey. You're buying a nice condo in Monaco. 0% income tax and a view of the Mediterranean is better than anything here in the states. Since The Economist is laughably incomprehensible to you, I'll wager you didn't know that. Or even that Monaco exists. Maybe you can find a Russian crime boss who'd be interested in Chateau Douche. I hear they like tacky, expensive shit like this.

  30. elburritodeluxe

    Yeah, those wealthy French are gonna come running for a cheaply constructed mega-McMansion in freakin Moorestown!

    Don't worry, wealthy French people, there's an Applebees and a Walmart in Cinnaminson, it's just a couple miles away!

  31. StarsUponThars

    Now see, you learn something new every day. For example, I did not know that the French term for "attempted rape of" is actually pronounced "affection for."

  32. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm pretty sure that Christie has an aid following him around at all times with a can of aerosol cheese to top him off whenever necessary.

  33. finette_

    Hrm. Doesn't seem to know that Carla Bruni is a lefty, does he?

    Also, warm memories of Mitterrand, LOL. Dude was disallowed from smiling in public by his own advisors because he looked like a shark.

  34. sullivanst

    Hmm, my attempt to reply via email apparently got lost in the tubes.

    I don't have any formal education in economics, so I don't know the name. It seems like it might be the idea of the "marginal utility of income", though.

  35. calliecallie

    "Just across the river, Philadelphia presents touches of France to cure homesickness."

    And if you like that, I have some swampland in Florida that's reminiscent of the Riviera.

Comments are closed.