diddling her bean

Rep. Jean Schmidt Has Public Orgasm Over Incorrect CNN Health Care Scoop

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We’ll all have what she’s having, amirite Ghost Nora Ephron? Yes, Mean Jean Schmidt, the gentlelady from Ohio who was successfully primaried for apparently not being looneytunes enough for the good people of Cincinatti, had a totally public ‘gasm, in full view of God and everybody, at the incorrect CNN scoop that the Supreme Court had struck down Obamacare.

If you do not care to watch a lady of a certain age (though she does look fetching in her white shift!) shriek OH GOD OH GOD YES YES YES I’M COMING I’M TOTALLY COMING MAN I AM COMING ALL OVER YOUR FACE, then you should not have clicked play, now should you?

Sorry about that, but it’s not like we did not warn you right in the headline. Maybe you should have learned some reading comprehension in your Loch Ness Monster biology class. [NBC, via TPM]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Come here a minute

    Sally Libel!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    We should cut off all public funding of CNN

  • Not_So_Much

    Could only have been better if she were wearing her flag pantsuit and it combusted from all the friction-on-polyester action.

  • Beowoof

    The thought of Jean cumming on camera, is a fetish I am not ready to embrace.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Some things unseen cannot be un-unseen

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        You've watched it, you can't unwatch it!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I did, and I can't. I found that imagining what happened when the truth hit her like a bag of hammers helps ease the pain.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Mean Jean > Cream Jean

  • Barb

    Yes, that's correct Jean Schmidt , and the horse you rode in on.

    • bikerlaureate

      Is "horse" new Wonket slang for "massive untraceable cash" ?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    OMG! THERE ISN'T ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH IN THE MULTIVERSE!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Public orgasm, sure. But would she go down on John Roberts in a theater? For 10 minutes or so yesterday anyway, the answer assuredly would have been "yes."

    • Veritas78

      He'd last three seconds once his dick encountered those embedded cactus needles acquired the last time Jean blew anything tubular.

  • chascates

    Yes, first the orgasm and then the let down. Isn't that the way of it?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You mean after she has to endure another hour of disappointment while I finish what I started for myself?

      I mean, um, whatever do you mean by "let down"?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        "An hour," right! Produce witnesses!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I don't want to be dilatory. Would affadavits suffice?

          Besides I didn't say she enjoyed it…

          • chascates

            She looked at me and said 'who do you think you're going to please with that?" and I answered "me!".

            Later, she said she agreed with me.

    • Pat_Pending

      In this case, a kind of grand mal mort…

    • miss_grundy

      Too bad when she heard that the law was upheld that her stupid head didn't explode. That would have been awesome.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Never seen someone so happy that people would get sick and die. I doubt the Nazis were even that enthusiastic about killing people. Sick!

    • lulzmonger

      "We must never be cruel when it is not necessary, that much is clear."
      – Heinrich Himmler

      "THEY TOOK IT AWAY?!? YEEEEESSSS!!!!!"
      – Mean Jean

  • Serolf_Divad

    Turn down the volume and in a screechy voice say: "I'm meeeeelting, I'm meeeeelting…"

    Makes the whole video much more palatable.

  • coolhandnuke

    CNN gave all the teatards a fleeting cream your Jeans episode.

    • Exhausted66

      CNN gave all the teatards a fleeting cream your Jeans Shorts episode.

      /fixed.

  • Pragmatist2

    I do like watching ladies "of a certain age" climax loudly in public. Unfortunately the "certain age" I had in mind was different from that attained by the Gentlelady from Ohio.

    • Limeylizzie

      Was it me and Barb, gently doing each other ?

      • Pragmatist2

        Yes! Yes! YES!!!!

  • ChernobylSoup

    America's mother-in-law.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Too thin.

    • Antispandex

      I got 99 problems…..

    • Callyson

      So *that's* why I'm not married…

  • orygoon

    I'd rather see Part II of that scene.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm really looking forward to the new "Schmidt finds out that…" video meme on YouTube.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Wow, I didn't know cranky, bitter, mean-spirited old ladies were even capable of having orgasms–color me…grossed out.

  • Goonemeritus

    Having seen this I realize that CNN was just venting their inner Lucy with the Tea-baggers football. All Hail CNN they may not be News but they are cruel enough to be fun.

    • emmelemm

      That's a nice way to look at it! I like it!

    • Crank_Tango

      Wanna lick? Psyche!

  • Trinket

    Ew.

  • stroge

    git some!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So she got the dressing on the side?

  • FraAnima

    I'll have what she's having.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Xanax?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Bath salts.

        • FraAnima

          Tasty when sprinkled on face flesh.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      Teabags?

      • Tundra Grifter

        They always come in pairs.

    • a_pink_poodle

      You bastard I was going to make that post!

      • FraAnima

        I came early.

        • a_pink_poodle

          You magnificent son of a…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Have you folks read the post? Maybe just the first line?

        • a_pink_poodle

          The only letters I need to read are U, S and A

    • Veritas78

      A seizure?

  • anniegetyerfun

    The real warning before this video clip shouldn't be so much that the screaming was orgasmic, but that it was the sound of a Pomeranian having an orgasm while being run over by a motorcycle. I have my headphone volume turned down to, like, negative decibels and I'm STILL going to be deaf for about a week following that high-pitched shrieking.

    • MacRaith

      "the sound of a Pomeranian having an orgasm while being run over by a motorcycle" – I'm nominating this for metaphor of the year.

  • facehead

    Good enough for 2LiveCrew to sample.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    La petite mort.

    This isn't the fappery I was looking for , either.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Bitch has some great biceps, though.

  • ttommyunger

    Ho-Hum, cunts will be cunts, ya know, who can explain it?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Wonkette, beyond the warning for the content, I must ask that you warn me when the audio of the "orgasm" is at ultra-high frequency.

    I may never again have the unconditional trust of my dogs.

  • SorosBot

    It's probably the first orgasm she's had in her life too, the poor mean old bat.

  • rickmaci

    And she finished the day sitting alone at a table in a dreary, seedy bar with a bottle of bourbon and a carton of cigs trying to figure out what she did that made it go so wrong.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Does she smoke after sex?

      Did she ever look?

  • DrunkIrishman

    FUCK YOU FOR PUTTING THE IMAGINE IN MY HEAD OF JEAN SCHMIDT HAVING AN ORGASM!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Wonkette's mission today is to take away every good thought I've ever had about sex?

  • shortsandpants

    Being ecstatic about poor people dying never looked so good!

  • MissTaken

    See men, this is the secret us women have been keeping from you. Sure a vibrator or a penis works in a pinch, but to really get a screaming orgasm that wakes up the neighbors you need a ruling by the US Supreme Court. Oh yes, yes, oh god, yes!

  • anniegetyerfun

    If you really loved us, Rebecca, you would have located and shown us the video of Jean having a nervous breakdown upon realizing that the initial reporting was wrong.

    • ElPinche

      I'd pay for that video.

    • Tommy1733

      Exactly – this is a two-parter – where's the sequel??

    • bibliotequetress

      That would be the money shot, for realz.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    I really, really enjoyed the various moments yesterday when the wingnuts lost their collective shit over the initial wrong announcement of the verdict, and then the subsequent correction. The transition from unholy glittering handrubbing evil glee to OMGCONSPIRACYGEYEPILEPTICROBERTSREMEMBERVINCEFOSTER was full of EPIC win.

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR NIPPLE TWISTING AND CLIT TOUCHING!!!!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      no, no not really

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You're sick!

    • prommie

      Is that what your supposed to do with them? Twist them? 35 fucking years of handling nipples, and noone told me I am doing it wrong?

      • GemlikeFlame

        I believe that the proper procedure in this case is to determine the desires of the nipple owner, but I may be old-fashioned. Perhaps this is part of that individual mandate they keep freaking out about. Having said that, you could twist mine with a pair of vise-grips(tm) and it wouldn't make much of a difference except that they'd eventually get sore.

      • Antispandex

        I believe the twist is still optional, and permission (or a strong command) should be had before performing this maneuver. It can be very tricky, and is not for the uninitiated.

    • Pat_Pending

      aw man, fuck you for that. fuck fuck fuckety-fuck you. now I got that icky shiver feeling I get whenever I see a burn victim…

  • mavenmaven

    Did she have an un-orgasm afterwards? Like what one gets thinking of one's ex?

    • MissTaken

      Or like the one I'm having right now thinking of Jean Schmidt having an orgasm?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Can you fake an unorgasm?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        A rush of uptightness, with a sudden backing up to one's eyeballs?

    • DrunkIrishman

      Her vag managed to re-suck up the squirt mid-orgasm.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        I do not want to see the CSI-CG re-enactment of this!

  • Baconzgood

    She's faking.

  • coolhandnuke

    Not an orgasm. She's just having a Roberts epileptic fit.

    • Antispandex

      But, she apparently isn't taking medications, so her decision making powers are intact!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Or she's trying out for the available position of Secretary of Commerce.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I wished I'd known she could do that back when I needed to peel some wallpaper. I wonder if that's what John Roberts sounds like when he forgets to take his epilepsy medication.

  • Antispandex

    Ewww, GROSS! Grammy having and uh-gasm! Look, we all know that the olds "do it", so you don't need to remind us. I've got to schedule an eyeball wash now.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      We do?

      Oh god, I have less sex than Jean Schmidt????

  • kissawookiee

    This video makes me grateful for all the fapping I have done in my life. Because after that I seriously doubt I will be able to fap again, for the rest of forever.

  • mavenmaven

    John Murtha up in heaven is enjoying this little bit of revenge.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I'll have the polar opposite of what she's having.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Jesus. Get a barn, Jean.

  • Ducksworthy

    I hope you don't try getting this story past the FCC cause a story containing references to Rep. Jean Schmidt and orgasm is fucking obscene.

  • BlueStateLibel

    "They took it away!" she screams, delighted in the notion that any effort to extend healthcare to the poors had been defeated.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Last time that old hag screamed like that, Dewey defeated Truman.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I bet she lost her Ben Wa balls with that little dance.

    • emmelemm

      Dude, uncalled for. Don't make it grosser than it already is!

    • Tundra Grifter

      I once put on my girlfriend's car a bumper snicker that read "Ben Wa For Mayor."

  • ingloriousbytch

    That's probably the first orgasm she ever got when she wasn't leaning against the washing machine.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    Good Lord, if Obama had been shot, she would have torn off her clothes and hopped on somebody's face!

    • ph7

      Obama's safe. She's no Jodie Foster.

    • rmjagg

      ohdearjesusthevisualishell

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    I find this easy to celibate to.

  • stncmchnc

    The Jean Meanie, let's herself go….ohhhh!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    Christine O'Donnell is now leading a movement against hearing Supreme Court decisions.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Okay. that's enough for me. I'm gonna visit 4chan where things are less weird and gross.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    the schadenfreude is strong here.

    • Tundra Grifter

      That's Dr. Shaden Freud to you.

  • Guppy

    Doesn't OSHA require ear protection for stuff like this?

    • ElPinche

      or at least some sort of cock bracket to keep our penises from catastrophically caving in.

  • prommie

    I haven't had a public orgasm since the Gators beat the 'Dawgs in 1984.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Gross gross gross. We're you doing the hand clap at the same time?

      • prommie

        That would be called the "chomp," if you please.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

          He caught the hand-clap, you say?

          • FakaktaSouth

            If he was flailing around at the worlds largest cocktail party having public orgasms, I'm saying yes. Definitely.

          • prommie

            Thats all you got? That didn't leave no mark.

  • scvirginia

    Witch can't handle the truth, but she was all about the lies… Thanks, CNN!

  • VespulaMaculata

    Like seeing Santa in the flesh two seconds before somebody shot him.

  • ElPinche

    I dunno. I'm kind of turned on now.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I thought she and hers were against such public indecencies. I mean, if simply holding hands is a gateway to sex…

    • MissTaken

      What?? Sex doesn't cause orgasms. SCOTUS rulings that when misinterpreted would kill the poors cause orgasms.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I can already imagine /d/-tan, the hermaphrodite lady with horns, green hair, and tentacles, recoiling at her.

  • Chichikovovich

    I think this is a video of Jeanie and her aides when they learn that ACA was in fact upheld:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3KV4fLSNoU

    • viennawoods13

      For the win.

  • http://thesecondcomingofjeri.blogspot.com Jeri 2.0

    All it needed was banjo music and a big sweaty guy behind her. Squeeeeeeeeeaallll!

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    This is good news for Howard Dean!

    • Buckminster

      Even in a falsetto, he couldn't hit the glass-breaking notes she hit. Shrill doesn't do it justice.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Dear God, woman. Have some decency – get a room.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    Premature Elation.

  • ph7

    If you liked this, you should see Jonah Goldberg's money shot reaction!

    • Veritas78

      Given that his dick is no doubt the color of Cheetos, we can probably guess what the money shot looks like — dribbles of Boehner Orange.

  • TribecaMike

    She's probably a Novak Djokovic fan too, which would make her a double asshole. Go Fed!

  • Exhausted66

    Ha ha, fuck you, you lost.

    (That's all I could come up with. Just wish I could say it to her face. And I spit when I talk.)

  • gingerland62

    Doesn't the thought of thousands of Americans dying because they lost their healthcare make everyone cream?

  • PuglyDoRight

    What, y'all can't afford spell check? It's "Cincinnati." Last year she was in our neighborhood July 4 parade. I spied her going into a porta-potty and it took all of my self-control NOT to tip the damn thing over.

    • Buckminster

      I woulda helped ya!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Last time she was this happy WKRP shoved those turkeys out of the airplane over the super market parking lot.

      • viennawoods13

        As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      You could have at least padlocked it.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Door down, I hope?

  • PlanetWingNut

    wow this is so bad it made Tom Cruise start divorce proceedings on Katey Holmes.

    too soon?

    • TribecaMike

      Scientology ain't what it never was.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Katie Holmes, Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder – wow!

  • DrunkIrishman

    TOTALLY NOT FAPPING.

  • TribecaMike

    I see that she also collects Bruce Springsteen's used t-shirts. No wonder Chris Christie despises her.

  • C_R_Eature

    Appalling.
    I am glad that the video cut out before she squirted all over those innocent bystanders. Some things are far better left unseen.

  • rocktonsam

    was there cuddling after?

  • Franknflower

    You guys are so mean, but so is she.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Not sure if I should cry or jakk off so I'm gonna do both.

  • lulzmonger

    I found this much too short to masturbate to … thank heavens.

    "LET HIM DIE" guy from the Tea Party Debate wants her number ASAP.

    This is probably downright mellow compared to her reaction when she found out legions of poors would NOT be perishing needlessly.

  • arihaya

    THIS lady is NOT looney enough and got primaried?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Time to bid a fond farewell to Mean Jean

  • FieryLocks

    Now, where's the video of her agony upon finding out the real decision?
    That I want to see!