diddling her bean

Rep. Jean Schmidt Has Public Orgasm Over Incorrect CNN Health Care Scoop

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We’ll all have what she’s having, amirite Ghost Nora Ephron? Yes, Mean Jean Schmidt, the gentlelady from Ohio who was successfully primaried for apparently not being looneytunes enough for the good people of Cincinatti, had a totally public ‘gasm, in full view of God and everybody, at the incorrect CNN scoop that the Supreme Court had struck down Obamacare.

If you do not care to watch a lady of a certain age (though she does look fetching in her white shift!) shriek OH GOD OH GOD YES YES YES I’M COMING I’M TOTALLY COMING MAN I AM COMING ALL OVER YOUR FACE, then you should not have clicked play, now should you?

Sorry about that, but it’s not like we did not warn you right in the headline. Maybe you should have learned some reading comprehension in your Loch Ness Monster biology class. [NBC, via TPM]

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View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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173 comments

  1. Not_So_Much

    Could only have been better if she were wearing her flag pantsuit and it combusted from all the friction-on-polyester action.

  2. PuckStopsHere

    Public orgasm, sure. But would she go down on John Roberts in a theater? For 10 minutes or so yesterday anyway, the answer assuredly would have been "yes."

    1. Veritas78

      He'd last three seconds once his dick encountered those embedded cactus needles acquired the last time Jean blew anything tubular.

    1. actor212

      You mean after she has to endure another hour of disappointment while I finish what I started for myself?

      I mean, um, whatever do you mean by "let down"?

          1. chascates

            She looked at me and said 'who do you think you're going to please with that?" and I answered "me!".

            Later, she said she agreed with me.

    2. miss_grundy

      Too bad when she heard that the law was upheld that her stupid head didn't explode. That would have been awesome.

    1. lulzmonger

      "We must never be cruel when it is not necessary, that much is clear."
      - Heinrich Himmler

      "THEY TOOK IT AWAY?!? YEEEEESSSS!!!!!"
      - Mean Jean

  3. Serolf_Divad

    Turn down the volume and in a screechy voice say: "I'm meeeeelting, I'm meeeeelting…"

    Makes the whole video much more palatable.

  4. Pragmatist2

    I do like watching ladies "of a certain age" climax loudly in public. Unfortunately the "certain age" I had in mind was different from that attained by the Gentlelady from Ohio.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm really looking forward to the new "Schmidt finds out that…" video meme on YouTube.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Wow, I didn't know cranky, bitter, mean-spirited old ladies were even capable of having orgasms–color me…grossed out.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Having seen this I realize that CNN was just venting their inner Lucy with the Tea-baggers football. All Hail CNN they may not be News but they are cruel enough to be fun.

  7. anniegetyerfun

    The real warning before this video clip shouldn't be so much that the screaming was orgasmic, but that it was the sound of a Pomeranian having an orgasm while being run over by a motorcycle. I have my headphone volume turned down to, like, negative decibels and I'm STILL going to be deaf for about a week following that high-pitched shrieking.

    1. MacRaith

      "the sound of a Pomeranian having an orgasm while being run over by a motorcycle" – I'm nominating this for metaphor of the year.

  8. Jus_Wonderin

    Wonkette, beyond the warning for the content, I must ask that you warn me when the audio of the "orgasm" is at ultra-high frequency.

    I may never again have the unconditional trust of my dogs.

  9. rickmaci

    And she finished the day sitting alone at a table in a dreary, seedy bar with a bottle of bourbon and a carton of cigs trying to figure out what she did that made it go so wrong.

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Wonkette's mission today is to take away every good thought I've ever had about sex?

  11. MissTaken

    See men, this is the secret us women have been keeping from you. Sure a vibrator or a penis works in a pinch, but to really get a screaming orgasm that wakes up the neighbors you need a ruling by the US Supreme Court. Oh yes, yes, oh god, yes!

    1. SorosBot

      Our prior cases make two propositions abundantly clear. First, the fact that the governing majority in a State has traditionally viewed a particular practice as immoral is not a sufficient reason for upholding a law prohibiting the practice; neither history nor tradition could save a law prohibiting miscegenation from constitutional attack. Second, individual decisions by married persons, concerning the intimacies of their physical relationship, even when not intended to produce offspring, are a form of “liberty” protected by the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. Moreover, this protection extends to intimate choices by unmarried as well as married persons.

      1. actor212

        *AHEM*
        NOTICE: This opinion is subject to formal revision before publication in the preliminary print of the United States Reports.

        So that's just foreplay.

        1. SorosBot

          OK, I won't follow up with my planned quoting of Griswold v Connecticut's finding of the Constitutional right to birth control.

    2. Antispandex

      So, birth rate spikes after every Court session, or just the ones where they tell you you are a whore if the government pays for your birth control?

  12. anniegetyerfun

    If you really loved us, Rebecca, you would have located and shown us the video of Jean having a nervous breakdown upon realizing that the initial reporting was wrong.

  13. Hammiepants

    I really, really enjoyed the various moments yesterday when the wingnuts lost their collective shit over the initial wrong announcement of the verdict, and then the subsequent correction. The transition from unholy glittering handrubbing evil glee to OMGCONSPIRACYGEYEPILEPTICROBERTSREMEMBERVINCEFOSTER was full of EPIC win.

    1. prommie

      Is that what your supposed to do with them? Twist them? 35 fucking years of handling nipples, and noone told me I am doing it wrong?

      1. GemlikeFlame

        I believe that the proper procedure in this case is to determine the desires of the nipple owner, but I may be old-fashioned. Perhaps this is part of that individual mandate they keep freaking out about. Having said that, you could twist mine with a pair of vise-grips(tm) and it wouldn't make much of a difference except that they'd eventually get sore.

      2. Antispandex

        I believe the twist is still optional, and permission (or a strong command) should be had before performing this maneuver. It can be very tricky, and is not for the uninitiated.

    2. Pat_Pending

      aw man, fuck you for that. fuck fuck fuckety-fuck you. now I got that icky shiver feeling I get whenever I see a burn victim…

    1. Antispandex

      But, she apparently isn't taking medications, so her decision making powers are intact!

  14. SayItWithWookies

    I wished I'd known she could do that back when I needed to peel some wallpaper. I wonder if that's what John Roberts sounds like when he forgets to take his epilepsy medication.

  15. Antispandex

    Ewww, GROSS! Grammy having and uh-gasm! Look, we all know that the olds "do it", so you don't need to remind us. I've got to schedule an eyeball wash now.

  16. kissawookiee

    This video makes me grateful for all the fapping I have done in my life. Because after that I seriously doubt I will be able to fap again, for the rest of forever.

  17. Ducksworthy

    I hope you don't try getting this story past the FCC cause a story containing references to Rep. Jean Schmidt and orgasm is fucking obscene.

  18. BlueStateLibel

    "They took it away!" she screams, delighted in the notion that any effort to extend healthcare to the poors had been defeated.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I once put on my girlfriend's car a bumper snicker that read "Ben Wa For Mayor."

  19. ingloriousbytch

    That's probably the first orgasm she ever got when she wasn't leaning against the washing machine.

  20. Blueb4sunrise

    Okay. that's enough for me. I'm gonna visit 4chan where things are less weird and gross.

    1. ElPinche

      or at least some sort of cock bracket to keep our penises from catastrophically caving in.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            If he was flailing around at the worlds largest cocktail party having public orgasms, I'm saying yes. Definitely.

  21. CommieLibunatic

    I thought she and hers were against such public indecencies. I mean, if simply holding hands is a gateway to sex…

    1. MissTaken

      What?? Sex doesn't cause orgasms. SCOTUS rulings that when misinterpreted would kill the poors cause orgasms.

  22. CommieLibunatic

    I can already imagine /d/-tan, the hermaphrodite lady with horns, green hair, and tentacles, recoiling at her.

    1. Buckminster

      Even in a falsetto, he couldn't hit the glass-breaking notes she hit. Shrill doesn't do it justice.

    1. Veritas78

      Given that his dick is no doubt the color of Cheetos, we can probably guess what the money shot looks like — dribbles of Boehner Orange.

  23. TribecaMike

    She's probably a Novak Djokovic fan too, which would make her a double asshole. Go Fed!

  24. Exhausted66

    Ha ha, fuck you, you lost.

    (That's all I could come up with. Just wish I could say it to her face. And I spit when I talk.)

  25. gingerland62

    Doesn't the thought of thousands of Americans dying because they lost their healthcare make everyone cream?

  26. PuglyDoRight

    What, y'all can't afford spell check? It's "Cincinnati." Last year she was in our neighborhood July 4 parade. I spied her going into a porta-potty and it took all of my self-control NOT to tip the damn thing over.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Last time she was this happy WKRP shoved those turkeys out of the airplane over the super market parking lot.

  27. PlanetWingNut

    wow this is so bad it made Tom Cruise start divorce proceedings on Katey Holmes.

    too soon?

  28. TribecaMike

    I see that she also collects Bruce Springsteen's used t-shirts. No wonder Chris Christie despises her.

  29. C_R_Eature

    Appalling.
    I am glad that the video cut out before she squirted all over those innocent bystanders. Some things are far better left unseen.

  30. lulzmonger

    I found this much too short to masturbate to … thank heavens.

    "LET HIM DIE" guy from the Tea Party Debate wants her number ASAP.

    This is probably downright mellow compared to her reaction when she found out legions of poors would NOT be perishing needlessly.

  31. FieryLocks

    Now, where's the video of her agony upon finding out the real decision?
    That I want to see!

Comments are closed.