DIDDLING HER BEAN  2:30 pm June 29, 2012

Rep. Jean Schmidt Has Public Orgasm Over Incorrect CNN Health Care Scoop

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

We’ll all have what she’s having, amirite Ghost Nora Ephron? Yes, Mean Jean Schmidt, the gentlelady from Ohio who was successfully primaried for apparently not being looneytunes enough for the good people of Cincinatti, had a totally public ‘gasm, in full view of God and everybody, at the incorrect CNN scoop that the Supreme Court had struck down Obamacare.

If you do not care to watch a lady of a certain age (though she does look fetching in her white shift!) shriek OH GOD OH GOD YES YES YES I’M COMING I’M TOTALLY COMING MAN I AM COMING ALL OVER YOUR FACE, then you should not have clicked play, now should you?

Sorry about that, but it’s not like we did not warn you right in the headline. Maybe you should have learned some reading comprehension in your Loch Ness Monster biology class. [NBC, via TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 173 comments }

Come here a minute June 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Sally Libel!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

We should cut off all public funding of CNN

Not_So_Much June 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Could only have been better if she were wearing her flag pantsuit and it combusted from all the friction-on-polyester action.

Beowoof June 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

The thought of Jean cumming on camera, is a fetish I am not ready to embrace.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Some things unseen cannot be un-unseen

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm

You've watched it, you can't unwatch it!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I did, and I can't. I found that imagining what happened when the truth hit her like a bag of hammers helps ease the pain.

Gratuitous World June 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Mean Jean > Cream Jean

Barb June 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Yes, that's correct Jean Schmidt , and the horse you rode in on.

bikerlaureate June 29, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Is "horse" new Wonket slang for "massive untraceable cash" ?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm

OMG! THERE ISN'T ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH IN THE MULTIVERSE!

PuckStopsHere June 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Public orgasm, sure. But would she go down on John Roberts in a theater? For 10 minutes or so yesterday anyway, the answer assuredly would have been "yes."

Veritas78 June 29, 2012 at 4:43 pm

He'd last three seconds once his dick encountered those embedded cactus needles acquired the last time Jean blew anything tubular.

chascates June 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Yes, first the orgasm and then the let down. Isn't that the way of it?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:39 pm

You mean after she has to endure another hour of disappointment while I finish what I started for myself?

I mean, um, whatever do you mean by "let down"?

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm

"An hour," right! Produce witnesses!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I don't want to be dilatory. Would affadavits suffice?

Besides I didn't say she enjoyed it…

chascates June 29, 2012 at 3:12 pm

She looked at me and said 'who do you think you're going to please with that?" and I answered "me!".

Later, she said she agreed with me.

Pat_Pending June 29, 2012 at 6:19 pm

In this case, a kind of grand mal mort…

miss_grundy June 29, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Too bad when she heard that the law was upheld that her stupid head didn't explode. That would have been awesome.

johnnyzhivago June 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Never seen someone so happy that people would get sick and die. I doubt the Nazis were even that enthusiastic about killing people. Sick!

lulzmonger June 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

"We must never be cruel when it is not necessary, that much is clear."
- Heinrich Himmler

"THEY TOOK IT AWAY?!? YEEEEESSSS!!!!!"
- Mean Jean

Serolf_Divad June 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Turn down the volume and in a screechy voice say: "I'm meeeeelting, I'm meeeeelting…"

Makes the whole video much more palatable.

coolhandnuke June 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

CNN gave all the teatards a fleeting cream your Jeans episode.

Exhausted66 June 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

CNN gave all the teatards a fleeting cream your Jeans Shorts episode.

/fixed.

Pragmatist2 June 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I do like watching ladies "of a certain age" climax loudly in public. Unfortunately the "certain age" I had in mind was different from that attained by the Gentlelady from Ohio.

Limeylizzie June 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Was it me and Barb, gently doing each other ?

Pragmatist2 June 29, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Yes! Yes! YES!!!!

ChernobylSoup June 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

America's mother-in-law.

anniegetyerfun June 29, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Too thin.

Antispandex June 29, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I got 99 problems…..

Callyson June 29, 2012 at 3:54 pm

So *that's* why I'm not married…

orygoon June 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I'd rather see Part II of that scene.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm really looking forward to the new "Schmidt finds out that…" video meme on YouTube.

Texan_Bulldog June 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Wow, I didn't know cranky, bitter, mean-spirited old ladies were even capable of having orgasms–color me…grossed out.

Goonemeritus June 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Having seen this I realize that CNN was just venting their inner Lucy with the Tea-baggers football. All Hail CNN they may not be News but they are cruel enough to be fun.

emmelemm June 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That's a nice way to look at it! I like it!

Crank_Tango June 29, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Wanna lick? Psyche!

Trinket June 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Ew.

stroge June 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

git some!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:38 pm

So she got the dressing on the side?

FraAnima June 29, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I'll have what she's having.

Serolf_Divad June 29, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Xanax?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Bath salts.

FraAnima June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Tasty when sprinkled on face flesh.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Teabags?

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:13 pm

They always come in pairs.

a_pink_poodle June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

You bastard I was going to make that post!

FraAnima June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I came early.

a_pink_poodle June 29, 2012 at 3:26 pm

You magnificent son of a…

Biel_ze_Bubba June 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Have you folks read the post? Maybe just the first line?

a_pink_poodle June 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm

The only letters I need to read are U, S and A

Veritas78 June 29, 2012 at 4:45 pm

A seizure?

anniegetyerfun June 29, 2012 at 2:38 pm

The real warning before this video clip shouldn't be so much that the screaming was orgasmic, but that it was the sound of a Pomeranian having an orgasm while being run over by a motorcycle. I have my headphone volume turned down to, like, negative decibels and I'm STILL going to be deaf for about a week following that high-pitched shrieking.

MacRaith June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm

"the sound of a Pomeranian having an orgasm while being run over by a motorcycle" – I'm nominating this for metaphor of the year.

facehead June 29, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Good enough for 2LiveCrew to sample.

Blueb4sunrise June 29, 2012 at 2:40 pm

La petite mort.

This isn't the fappery I was looking for , either.

anniegetyerfun June 29, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Bitch has some great biceps, though.

ttommyunger June 29, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Ho-Hum, cunts will be cunts, ya know, who can explain it?

Jus_Wonderin June 29, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Wonkette, beyond the warning for the content, I must ask that you warn me when the audio of the "orgasm" is at ultra-high frequency.

I may never again have the unconditional trust of my dogs.

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm

It's probably the first orgasm she's had in her life too, the poor mean old bat.

rickmaci June 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm

And she finished the day sitting alone at a table in a dreary, seedy bar with a bottle of bourbon and a carton of cigs trying to figure out what she did that made it go so wrong.

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Does she smoke after sex?

Did she ever look?

DrunkIrishman June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm

FUCK YOU FOR PUTTING THE IMAGINE IN MY HEAD OF JEAN SCHMIDT HAVING AN ORGASM!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm

So, Wonkette's mission today is to take away every good thought I've ever had about sex?

shortsandpants June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Being ecstatic about poor people dying never looked so good!

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 2:43 pm

See men, this is the secret us women have been keeping from you. Sure a vibrator or a penis works in a pinch, but to really get a screaming orgasm that wakes up the neighbors you need a ruling by the US Supreme Court. Oh yes, yes, oh god, yes!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:44 pm

So we should whisper sweet nothings like "stare decisis, baby"?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Nolo contendere!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Oh man! My corpus just habeased!

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 2:54 pm
actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:57 pm

*AHEM*
NOTICE: This opinion is subject to formal revision before publication in the preliminary print of the United States Reports.

So that's just foreplay.

PuckStopsHere June 29, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I find this quite easy to masturbate to.

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Stop it, I'm trying to work over here!

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Well, work over there! The light's better.

SorosBot June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

OK, I won't follow up with my planned quoting of Griswold v Connecticut's finding of the Constitutional right to birth control.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Whew! I need a cigarette.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Pussy Comitatus?

LionHeartSoyDog June 29, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Free Pussy Riot!!!

Veritas78 June 29, 2012 at 4:47 pm

This is why I read Wonkette!

Antispandex June 29, 2012 at 8:48 pm

So, birth rate spikes after every Court session, or just the ones where they tell you you are a whore if the government pays for your birth control?

anniegetyerfun June 29, 2012 at 2:44 pm

If you really loved us, Rebecca, you would have located and shown us the video of Jean having a nervous breakdown upon realizing that the initial reporting was wrong.

ElPinche June 29, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I'd pay for that video.

Tommy1733 June 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Exactly – this is a two-parter – where's the sequel??

bibliotequetress June 30, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That would be the money shot, for realz.

Hammiepants June 29, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I really, really enjoyed the various moments yesterday when the wingnuts lost their collective shit over the initial wrong announcement of the verdict, and then the subsequent correction. The transition from unholy glittering handrubbing evil glee to OMGCONSPIRACYGEYEPILEPTICROBERTSREMEMBERVINCEFOSTER was full of EPIC win.

Baconzgood June 29, 2012 at 2:45 pm

NEEDZ MOAR NIPPLE TWISTING AND CLIT TOUCHING!!!!

fuflans June 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm

no, no not really

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 3:06 pm

You're sick!

prommie June 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Is that what your supposed to do with them? Twist them? 35 fucking years of handling nipples, and noone told me I am doing it wrong?

GemlikeFlame June 29, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I believe that the proper procedure in this case is to determine the desires of the nipple owner, but I may be old-fashioned. Perhaps this is part of that individual mandate they keep freaking out about. Having said that, you could twist mine with a pair of vise-grips(tm) and it wouldn't make much of a difference except that they'd eventually get sore.

Antispandex June 29, 2012 at 8:45 pm

I believe the twist is still optional, and permission (or a strong command) should be had before performing this maneuver. It can be very tricky, and is not for the uninitiated.

Pat_Pending June 29, 2012 at 6:21 pm

aw man, fuck you for that. fuck fuck fuckety-fuck you. now I got that icky shiver feeling I get whenever I see a burn victim…

mavenmaven June 29, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Did she have an un-orgasm afterwards? Like what one gets thinking of one's ex?

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Or like the one I'm having right now thinking of Jean Schmidt having an orgasm?

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Can you fake an unorgasm?

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm

A rush of uptightness, with a sudden backing up to one's eyeballs?

DrunkIrishman June 29, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Her vag managed to re-suck up the squirt mid-orgasm.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I do not want to see the CSI-CG re-enactment of this!

Baconzgood June 29, 2012 at 2:46 pm

She's faking.

coolhandnuke June 29, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Not an orgasm. She's just having a Roberts epileptic fit.

Antispandex June 29, 2012 at 2:51 pm

But, she apparently isn't taking medications, so her decision making powers are intact!

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Or she's trying out for the available position of Secretary of Commerce.

SayItWithWookies June 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I wished I'd known she could do that back when I needed to peel some wallpaper. I wonder if that's what John Roberts sounds like when he forgets to take his epilepsy medication.

Antispandex June 29, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Ewww, GROSS! Grammy having and uh-gasm! Look, we all know that the olds "do it", so you don't need to remind us. I've got to schedule an eyeball wash now.

actor212 June 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

We do?

Oh god, I have less sex than Jean Schmidt????

kissawookiee June 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

This video makes me grateful for all the fapping I have done in my life. Because after that I seriously doubt I will be able to fap again, for the rest of forever.

mavenmaven June 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

John Murtha up in heaven is enjoying this little bit of revenge.

Doktor Zoom June 29, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I'll have the polar opposite of what she's having.

Mittens Howell, III June 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Jesus. Get a barn, Jean.

Ducksworthy June 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I hope you don't try getting this story past the FCC cause a story containing references to Rep. Jean Schmidt and orgasm is fucking obscene.

BlueStateLibel June 29, 2012 at 2:55 pm

"They took it away!" she screams, delighted in the notion that any effort to extend healthcare to the poors had been defeated.

CrunchyKnee June 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Last time that old hag screamed like that, Dewey defeated Truman.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I bet she lost her Ben Wa balls with that little dance.

emmelemm June 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Dude, uncalled for. Don't make it grosser than it already is!

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I once put on my girlfriend's car a bumper snicker that read "Ben Wa For Mayor."

ingloriousbytch June 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

That's probably the first orgasm she ever got when she wasn't leaning against the washing machine.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Good Lord, if Obama had been shot, she would have torn off her clothes and hopped on somebody's face!

ph7 June 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Obama's safe. She's no Jodie Foster.

rmjagg June 29, 2012 at 7:24 pm

ohdearjesusthevisualishell

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I find this easy to celibate to.

stncmchnc June 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm

The Jean Meanie, let's herself go….ohhhh!

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Christine O'Donnell is now leading a movement against hearing Supreme Court decisions.

Blueb4sunrise June 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Okay. that's enough for me. I'm gonna visit 4chan where things are less weird and gross.

fuflans June 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

the schadenfreude is strong here.

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:18 pm

That's Dr. Shaden Freud to you.

Guppy June 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Doesn't OSHA require ear protection for stuff like this?

ElPinche June 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

or at least some sort of cock bracket to keep our penises from catastrophically caving in.

prommie June 29, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I haven't had a public orgasm since the Gators beat the 'Dawgs in 1984.

FakaktaSouth June 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Gross gross gross. We're you doing the hand clap at the same time?

prommie June 29, 2012 at 3:29 pm

That would be called the "chomp," if you please.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 4:02 pm

He caught the hand-clap, you say?

FakaktaSouth June 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

If he was flailing around at the worlds largest cocktail party having public orgasms, I'm saying yes. Definitely.

scvirginia June 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Witch can't handle the truth, but she was all about the lies… Thanks, CNN!

VespulaMaculata June 29, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Like seeing Santa in the flesh two seconds before somebody shot him.

ElPinche June 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I dunno. I'm kind of turned on now.

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 3:18 pm
ElPinche June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

B-boys! No wonder you're taken. ♥

CommieLibunatic June 29, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I thought she and hers were against such public indecencies. I mean, if simply holding hands is a gateway to sex…

MissTaken June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

What?? Sex doesn't cause orgasms. SCOTUS rulings that when misinterpreted would kill the poors cause orgasms.

CommieLibunatic June 29, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I can already imagine /d/-tan, the hermaphrodite lady with horns, green hair, and tentacles, recoiling at her.

Chichikovovich June 29, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I think this is a video of Jeanie and her aides when they learn that ACA was in fact upheld:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3KV4fLSNoU

viennawoods13 June 29, 2012 at 3:36 pm

For the win.

Jeri 2.0 June 29, 2012 at 3:14 pm

All it needed was banjo music and a big sweaty guy behind her. Squeeeeeeeeeaallll!

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ June 29, 2012 at 3:16 pm

This is good news for Howard Dean!

Buckminster June 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Even in a falsetto, he couldn't hit the glass-breaking notes she hit. Shrill doesn't do it justice.

randcoolcatdaddy June 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Dear God, woman. Have some decency – get a room.

Chet Kincaid June 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Premature Elation.

ph7 June 29, 2012 at 3:34 pm

If you liked this, you should see Jonah Goldberg's money shot reaction!

Veritas78 June 29, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Given that his dick is no doubt the color of Cheetos, we can probably guess what the money shot looks like — dribbles of Boehner Orange.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 3:58 pm

She's probably a Novak Djokovic fan too, which would make her a double asshole. Go Fed!

Exhausted66 June 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Ha ha, fuck you, you lost.

(That's all I could come up with. Just wish I could say it to her face. And I spit when I talk.)

gingerland62 June 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Doesn't the thought of thousands of Americans dying because they lost their healthcare make everyone cream?

PuglyDoRight June 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

What, y'all can't afford spell check? It's "Cincinnati." Last year she was in our neighborhood July 4 parade. I spied her going into a porta-potty and it took all of my self-control NOT to tip the damn thing over.

Buckminster June 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I woulda helped ya!

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Last time she was this happy WKRP shoved those turkeys out of the airplane over the super market parking lot.

viennawoods13 June 29, 2012 at 8:12 pm

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!

iburl June 29, 2012 at 6:56 pm

You could have at least padlocked it.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb July 1, 2012 at 12:49 am

Door down, I hope?

PlanetWingNut June 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

wow this is so bad it made Tom Cruise start divorce proceedings on Katey Holmes.

too soon?

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Scientology ain't what it never was.

Tundra Grifter June 29, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Katie Holmes, Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder – wow!

DrunkIrishman June 29, 2012 at 5:05 pm

TOTALLY NOT FAPPING.

TribecaMike June 29, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I see that she also collects Bruce Springsteen's used t-shirts. No wonder Chris Christie despises her.

C_R_Eature June 29, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Appalling.
I am glad that the video cut out before she squirted all over those innocent bystanders. Some things are far better left unseen.

rocktonsam June 29, 2012 at 6:54 pm

was there cuddling after?

Franknflower June 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

You guys are so mean, but so is she.

Buzz Feedback June 29, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Not sure if I should cry or jakk off so I'm gonna do both.

lulzmonger June 29, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I found this much too short to masturbate to … thank heavens.

"LET HIM DIE" guy from the Tea Party Debate wants her number ASAP.

This is probably downright mellow compared to her reaction when she found out legions of poors would NOT be perishing needlessly.

arihaya June 30, 2012 at 6:15 am

THIS lady is NOT looney enough and got primaried?

BZ1 June 30, 2012 at 10:22 am

Time to bid a fond farewell to Mean Jean

FieryLocks June 30, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Now, where's the video of her agony upon finding out the real decision?
That I want to see!

prommie June 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Thats all you got? That didn't leave no mark.

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