it's the red pill

No, No, No, John Roberts Wasn’t Extorted, He Is Just Stupid From Epilepsy

I'm so sickThe loyal opposition and our fellow Merkins on the savage right have been having a very hard 24 hours, what with trying to come to terms with how they were totally raped in their bottoms by a man, a Justice, a CHIEF JUSTICE they thought was their friend, but who it turns out is the kind of communist socialist maoist Kenyan anti-colonial who would allow the terrible socialist communism that is private insurance companies continuing to hold sway over the health care of the nation.

First, they thought they knew the answer and it was that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts had been extorted by President Idi Amin, and that arrests would be coming at any moment. Now, though, they’ve got a better explanation: John Roberts is on anti-seizure medications for epilepsy, and they are making him tarded.

Thanks to ThinkProgress, we can offer you the audio from one Great American Hero, Mr. Michael Savage, as he explains the whole tragic mess:

TP even transcribed it! Thanks TP!

Let’s talk about Roberts. I’m going to tell you something that you’re not going to hear anywhere else, that you must pay attention to. It’s well known that Roberts, unfortunately for him, has suffered from epileptic seizures. Therefore he has been on medication. Therefore neurologists will tell you that medication used for seizure disorders, such as epilepsy, can introduce mental slowing, forgetfulness and other cognitive problems. And if you look at Roberts’ writings you can see the cognitive dissociation in what he is saying.

We are very worried about the state of John Roberts’ health, you guys, and how it is making him so very stupid. If only there were some kind of program that could help him get the kind of care that all Americans deserve.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Now I understand why the attorneys arguing on the behalf of HCR were using those incredibly bright, flashing yellow, red and white lights during their closing arguments.

      Epilepsy, duh.

      1. Barb

        Yes, I repeated a pun I previously said, Extemporanus. Thanks for taking the time to research it and post a link to it.

        1. BonoboReview

          I think it was more "developing" the pun. While it worked there, it was tailor-made for this post.

          1. Barb

            Thanks Bono. I still love Extemporanus. I even suggested him for a writing post here a few minutes ago. He's got my vote!

  1. YouBetcha

    Wait until they find out that Alito is going to rule in favor of marriage equality because of his athlete's foot. Whoooo boy. It's going to get ugly

    1. JustPixelz

      And Thomas is going to rule … ha ha ha. I'll bet I had you going there. Thomas rule. As if! But you gotta admit, Scalia's lips barely move when Thomas is speaking. HA HA HA. Gotcha again. Thomas speaks. As if! Seriously, they should just give Scalia two votes so Thomas can stay home and guard the telephone.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Actually, Thomas writes crap that even Scalia used to look at and say – "em, that's a little extreme." Like using Articles of Confederation and colonial law with no consideration of how the Constitution changed or rejected those provisions. But Scalia seems to be going more full wingnut these days – see his red-assed dissent on immigration, with it's throwback to pre-Civil War state discrimination provisions and his 2d Amendment arguments based on tertiary source interpretations of dicta from non-legislative speakers (none of which had shit to say about the distinction between handguns and long arms that was at the heart of the law his decision struck down). So it may be that Scalia is actually the one who can feel Thomas' hand up his ass these days.

    2. actor212

      Athlete's foot?

      The only thing athletic on Alito is the jock he tongued off Scalia.

      (apologies in advance, and I have a sale on Brain Bleach)

    3. CindynEncinitas

      Maybe Sotomayor can rule in favor of legalizing weed because of…well, weed…

  2. Fox n Fiends

    Failed New-Age Guru Michael Weiner (Savage) sure does know a lot about cognitive dissociation. He's peddled it for 30 years.

      1. RedneckMuslin

        You're right, of course. It's not a coincidence that one side of his head is always pointed away from the camera. Sheeple.

  3. noodlesalad

    What the right wing refers to as "having cognitive problems," the rest of America refers to as "having a conscience." It's that little feeling in the back of your mind that tells you that maybe, just maybe, baby Jeebus didn't want you to boo that gay soldier or let that uninsured kid die.

  4. Gratuitous World

    So when he took a narrow case regarding ondemand political videos + turned it into MoneySpeechPlutocratWetDreamUnited, that was a "good" seizure, correct?

    seizures are like cholesterol.

  5. Not_So_Much

    If he would've just stuck to Rush's illegal oxycontin (and boner pills), everything would've been just fine.

  6. prommie

    Rebecca, you have joined us! Gone native, you held out for some time, but finally, like Dona Julia, swearing you'd never consent, you consented! Now we just have to get you comfortable with the first syllable and you will be all squared away.

    1. Geminisunmars

      I noticed that too. Sometimes there is only one word that will fit. Especially as it pertains to the wingnutsies.

      1. rickmaci

        Actually, it's probably the ONLY word that fits the shit that comes out of the Wingnut brain.

  7. Fairtackle

    "medication used for seizure disorders, such as epilepsy, can introduce mental slowing, forgetfulness and other cognitive problems."

    One word, "chem trails".

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, being treated for a medical condition makes you a libtard. No wonder Conservatives hate healthcare.

  9. freakishlywrong

    You know when babies cry sometimes they just keep sucking in their breath and you dread the wail that's going to come out? These fucktards have been sucking in their breath for 3 years now, and the resulting screech is getting old. Time to put the colicky babies in time out. Tantrums are not a governing tactic, by the way.

    1. MumbletyRadio

      babies cry sometimes they just keep sucking in their breath

      Great, just great. My neighbors, a couple who just had a newborn baby girl last night I'm told, well I am now looking forward to holding their youngster and waiting for her face to turn blue doing this, thanks!~

      1. freakishlywrong

        You probably even did it, Mumblety, I know I did! My little sister was a master of it though.

    2. tessiee

      "These fucktards have been sucking in their breath for 3 years now, and the resulting screech is getting old."

      Some of them wear diapers, too.

  10. Jus_Wonderin

    That graph is cool. Does that represent how many times in 42 seconds a conservative says to him/herself…"How'd we end of with a negro President?"

  11. Billmatic

    He's gay, he's epileptic, he smoked too much weed, his wife wouldn't sex him the previous night because he fucked up at the grocery store AGAIN, his hat was too tight when he came into work, he was wearing the wrong robes, islamofascists used voice-to-skull communication, he was just doing this to spite scalia, his conscience made a sudden recurrance, his mother told him she wouldn't love him if he didn't confirm the act, his toilet malfunctioned and gave him significant PTSD, aliens replaced his brain with Thurgood Marshall's, Thursday morning are his "liberal moments," he had too much ice cream and it was affecting his endorphins, obama had him under threat of drone strikes, ad infinitum.

    1. edgydrifter

      There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!

      1. Geminisunmars

        Fires in Colorado! Floods in Florida. The temperature is higher than it has ever been in these not-affected-by-global-warming United States.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wow — all that, and Thomas still voted against ACA? The man is truly a pillar of conservatardism.

    3. HogeyeGrex

      No, I didn't. Honest… I ran out of gas. I… I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!

      1. Boojum

        The kiss, and drop into the mud, is what Romney will do to the teabaggers after the election.

    4. tessiee

      Aliens came down in a UFO and attached a machine to his back that gave him the answers to say during the debate…
      Oh, wait; that was the other guy.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      Sitting at the keyboard with a family sized bag of cheetos for day two of this awesome wingnut-implosion extravaganza.

    2. HogeyeGrex

      Kind of?!? It's fucking brilliant.

      How often does one get to slake ones thirst so completely on tears of impotent rage?

    3. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but I'm just a tiny bit afraid of getting splatted with a wall of shit for the next year.

    4. rickmaci

      Guy I work with was wound up to near fatal levels of apoplexy yesterday, carrying on about how he was moving to Australia or New Zealand. I couldn't help it, I had to tell him that both countries supply the bulk of their medical care via a nationalized, controlled system regulated by their gubrment. He got real quiet but I could tell the blood vessels in his eye balls were near to exploding with rage. He stomped back to his office, shut the door and as far as I can tell has not come out.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        That must have been awesome to behold.There's a FB group that I like that is sort of an interest group for diabetics (like me), and the moderator put something up today that was, like, “Calm down, people, no one is taking away your liberty” and, like, 90% of the people responded with “WHEN DID HEALTH CARE BECOME A RIGHT??!?! IT IS NOT A RIGHT!”These are fucking diabetics. I'm sure that they are all on Medicaid and ride Hoverrounds, now that I think about it.

        1. CindynEncinitas

          Anyone with diabeetus knows that they're going to end up sharing needles on Skid Row with their 7th grade dropout cousins now because of NObama.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I wish I could articulate how disappointed I was to wake up this morning and find that Obama and Holder hadn't been hauled off to jail by the FOX police for their extortion of John Roberts.

    It's like there is no longer a rule of law in this country!

  13. Callyson

    right-wing host Michael Savage — who has previously called autism a “phony disease”

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Could you possible make a pate de conservative douchenozzle as a result of such a gavage? And how many Koch heads would pony up big dollars to eat it?

    1. Fairtackle

      They are always calling fouls if you so much a brush against them then turn around and elbow you in the head and act all butthurt if you call them on it.

    1. prommie

      So, this one time, I was walking along, and there were these hookers, and I tripped, and fell in.

  14. Jus_Wonderin

    From Mitt Romney's Website:

    "As president, Mitt will nominate judges in the mold of Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Alito. These justices hold dear what the great Chief Justice John Marshall called “the basis on which the whole American fabric has been erected”: a written Constitution, with real and determinate meaning. The judges that Mitt nominates will exhibit a genuine appreciation for the text, structure, and history of our Constitution and interpret the Constitution and the laws as they are written. And his nominees will possess a demonstrated record of adherence to these core principles."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just what the court needs: more shameless ideologues who'll "vote conservative" and look at the Constitution later.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      The hilarious thing to me is that the father of "literalism" was a) an FDR appointee who fully supported the great expansion of the Commerce Clause, b) considered an intellectual lightweight by his peers and c) based his views on how he was taught to view the Bible as a Baptist – ie a text anyone should be able to understand. No matter where you are on the idealogical spectrum, there's something to just fucking hate about this crappy approach to legal reasoning.

    3. rickmaci

      Not a good day for a wingtard when he gets bit in the ass by his Constitutional Core Principles.

    4. janicket

      Eh, they'll just dust off the Etch-A-Sketch and rewrite the traitor out of the pantheon.

    1. tessiee

      The tie was white when he put it on that morning; it's only orange now because crybaby boner sweated self-tanner into it.

  15. Baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post

    DB update:

    X and Baconz were brought into the "The Canning Room" with the rest of the staff on our floor by Big Boss. "The actions of these vandals will not be tolerated" Big Boss castigated these "unknown perpetrators", the whole time looking at X and your dear Baconz. "Although I cannot PROVE who was involved with this I, as well as everyone in this room, have my suspicions." The Big Boss went on and on about how "maliciously destroying company and building property are grounds for termination no matter (staring at me) of contractual status." After his stern lecture the staff was dismissed except for Racist DB, X and Baconz.

    1. Baconzgood

      "First off", pointing at DB, "You're fucking fired. You're not going to get unemployment and you're sure as shit not going to get severance. I'm filing this under 'INTENTIONALLY creating a hostile work environment'. Only thru X's and Baconz actions were we able to keep the people from Corp Widget from getting on an airplane and going back to Dallas. They should have got the rubber cement out of your lock and your door off it's hinges buy now. Clean out your fucking office." X and Baconz got a stern look from Big Boss when DB left. "As for you two…." He sighed and X and Baconz knew the ax was going to fall on thier handsom heads, "Where do you want to go for dinner after work? I'm buying. You two got some REEEEAAAAL panache. I think that's the only thing you could've done to keep Corp Widget from leaving."

      1. Baconzgood

        Score: DB fired. R.J. smoothed over the anger dammage with the maintenance department. Guard Dog (the night security officer who works the desk) suspended for one day with pay for "allowing unauthorized personnel access to service entrance and freight elevator" (that was the only way we could get in without using our access cards). X and Baconz? We're getting a dinner from Big Boss and all we have to do is tell him the story of sneaking and gorilla gluing every thing in DB's office.

          1. Geminisunmars

            Baconz Good! Baconz my hero. Long Live Baconz. Two great things happening in One Week. You da Ham, Baconz.

        1. UnholyMoses

          If I were gay, not already married, and lived in a state where it was allowed, I would ask for your hand in marriage.

          Instead, I can only bow down and worship your greatness …

          … and ask if you're company is hiring.

        1. Baconzgood

          Next to my kids, and scoring a goal in overtime to get us into the championship, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. I would've sworn that we were going to get shit canned. I would have fired us.

          1. sullivanst

            Sounds much like what he allegedly commented last night he was allegedly planning to allegedly do ;)

          2. tessiee

            I went back and read all his comments. That's some pretty awesome shit right there.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Your employer has a caning room? Even by Singapore standards, that's a tough boss.

    3. Jus_Wonderin

      BACON!!! This is great. You had me on the edge of my seat. Though, I do have to pee so that could be the reason.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        I had to go back and read the whole thing. It's much better than a John le Carre novel! You, sir, are my new role model.

    4. Nothingisamiss

      You know, Baconz, I've been waiting for this update all morning.

      No, I really do have a life. I DO. Don't judge me.

      1. Baconzgood

        The thing is that the lil' lady is a bit angry with the Baconz. She said "That's pretty juvenile to risk your job for. Especially, for a man your age. Fucking awesome, but still pretty juvenile".

        1. bikerlaureate

          It goes a long way toward explaining, though, why the Baconettz are going to be super-Fucking awesome.

  16. dogscantlookup

    So what I'm on Seroquel,
    and… "There's a radio in my fingernail…CAR!"


  17. Antispandex

    Thanks to Dr. Savage, we now know what is wrong with everyone who doesn't agree with the ravings of the far right-wing. They all have suffered from epileptic seizures, and they are all on medication. Damn, that is so easy, it's a wonder no one else thought of it!

  18. JustPixelz

    Instead of the "R"-word, can we now say someone is going for "the full roberts"?

    The wingers have another reason to impeach Roberts. First it was for make Obama POTUS without checking his ID. Now this.

    If anyone on the SCOTUS is suffering from "mental slowing, forgetfulness and other cognitive problems", it's Thomas. Also, Scalito too.

    1. sullivanst

      I'd be quite happy to see Roberts impeached, for lying about respecting stare decisis and for seriously contorted readings of the constitution; especially if Obama gets to select his replacement.

      As for mental slowing, I'm not so sure. They were never that quick to start with, any of 'em.

    2. tessiee

      "Instead of the "R"-word, can we now say someone is going for "the full roberts"?"

      Well, technically, that would be an R-word, too; just not the one that gets you banned.

  19. LesBontemps

    Don't you libtards get all lovey-dovey with John Roberts just because he has a mental defect. He's still a dick.

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    Is Michael Savage still blue from all those snake-oil meds he was taking containing silver?

  21. fuflans

    hahahaha i would like to see mr. michael savage go head to head with john roberts.

    no, i really would. remember during confirmation hearings when schumer muttered under his breath 'god this guy's good?'

    (god i'm a political nerd).

    1. bikerlaureate

      Any political leader giving Weiner so much as a second glance would have their competence questioned…

  22. Beowoof

    I thought being conservative was evidence of slow thinking. It clearly brings about for forgetfulness. My ex mother-in-law, has forgotten that she went publicly funded state universities to get her degrees, then worked in the public schools for 32 years, retiring at 55 with full health care and two-thirds of her last year's salary. Additionally she is picking up her social security checks and medicare. Ah the forgetfulness.

    1. shortsandpants

      "Forgive me— I am terribly senile. Let's make some more landmark decisions," Thomas said as he applied lipstick to his nipples.

    2. phlox✔

      Considering that Thomas is a mute, I think he does a terrific job.
      Hire the differently-abled handicapped!!

    3. tessiee

      "What's the excuse for Thomas, then?"

      Oxygen deprivation to his brain from too-tight underpants.

  23. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "I’m going to tell you something that you’re not going to hear anywhere else …"

    "…because nobody else is as fucking stupid as I am."

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I thought it was funny that he followed up his "you're not going to hear anywhere else" with "it's widely known that", but I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    Damn, the cons are sore losers …. the Indians got over getting screwed on Manhattan (and everything else) faster than these losers.

    1. LesBontemps

      The Indians may have gotten screwed on Manhattan, but they got the better end on the outer boroughs. Who would want a casino in Queens?

  25. sullivanst

    Well, to be fair to Savage, it's quite clear that the Chief Justice was incapable of comprehending the lengthy argument Ginsburg made first to explain that even the uninsured are already in healthcare commerce (60% of them will visit a Doctor or ER in the next year; 90% in the next 5 years), as his terse dismissal of it was in fact savagely disemboweling a straw man (lying that her statistics included people whose healthcare consumption was limited solely to buying aspirin at CVS, which quite plainly they did not).

    In fact, judging by the tone of her concurrence/dissent, Justice Ginsburg simply does not care for the Chief Justice's restrictively narrow reading of the commerce power and the necessary and proper clause; and nor do I. I also share her simple lack of care for his unprecedented impingement upon the spending power.

  26. anniegetyerfun

    From the Think Progress article: "It’s even more remarkable that Savage, Fischer, and Drudge would stoop this low."

    No, Steven. It's actually remarkable that they haven't sunk any lower.

  27. Ducksworthy

    Can we get Michael Savage some of this medicine? Once again I am reminded that the insanity of Amurikan politics started with Ronald Reagan's deinstitutionalization of the severely mentally ill population without making provision for adequate community care (lifelong medication).

  28. Hammiepants

    Uh oh, this is like that episode of "One Day at A Time" when Julie and Barbara thought the new girl at school was a bad druggie, but it turns out she was just a pitiful epileptic! They all learned a valuable lesson that day about judging others and tolerance, MICHAEL SAVAGE.

  29. notreelyhelping

    God, that explains why his eyes rolled up in his head, and he smacked his forehead with his gavel halfway through yesterday's presentation.

  30. weejee

    Roberts may have finessed the Prez by calling it a tax. Even so we toasted the Chief last night. Didn't think I'd ever be doing that.

  31. Geminisunmars

    I love the way that recording ends: "I'm gonna read it to you. Now try to focus." I suppose he was reading it to a bunch of epileptics.

  32. Extemporanus

    My Wonkette and/or iPad have been having non-stop seizures, too — it just took me 40 minutes to leave one fucking comment.

    I'll be walking on the beaches, looking at the peaches…

  33. mavenmaven

    With Roberts, it is epilepsy, with Savage it is aliens shooting messages into his skull.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Holy Shit. Getting a divorce and turning 50 in the same week. Will this push him off the edge — of the chair he is jumping up and down on?

    2. tessiee

      Wow, the last two wives lasted ten years each, didn't they?
      Tell-all interview about how Tom was creepy and batshit looney and a big ol' closeted homo and they kept that fake-ass babby secret for months because her biological father was the guy who was Katie's boyfriend until five minutes before the wedding in 5…

      PS. No offense to the gay and/or crazy folks here on wonketz

    3. tessiee

      Also, if I may be permitted?
      HAW HAW HAW!!

      All those huffy, defensive, highly indignant statements about how this time it was reeeeelleee twoo wuv with his decades younger third wife, and she wasn't being kidnapped into a looney cult, and he wasn't desperately overcompensating for anything, and the way he kept a death grip on her arm any time they were in public was *perfectly normal*, and we've always been friends wtih Eastasia…
      Oh, how that is going to come back and bite him in the ass!

    4. tessiee

      You guys! You guys!
      Comment on

      "In a year Tom will be bouncing on Leno's couch, gushing over John Travolta….."

  34. shortsandpants

    I like the idea where the merits of subsidized medicine are judged on an individual basis in the octagon every Thursday night on FX. I think they call it the "Ayn Rand Individual Mandate."

  35. Ruhe

    I have a forgetful mother-in-law too but the one thing she never forgets is the value of the social programs she paid taxes to support. Beyond that, if it weren't for progressive politics and baseball she and I wouldn't get along too well.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    So a raving lunatic was blaming medication for another man coming to a reasonable conclusion. That's how it's supposed to work, isn't it?

  37. anniegetyerfun

    OMG, you guys, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are breaking up. America really IS over. No exaggeration.

      1. Nostrildamus

        Interestingly, instead of his usually cursory opinions (his dissent on ACA was only 2 pages), Justice Thomas' concurrance in this case was over 1,000 pages – although most were color illustrations.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "I will be sad for a day."

      Fuck that. I am not sad at all. I better Katie feels free.

    2. tessiee

      We can even make this on topic, since, in one of life's little ironies that are better than anything anyone could make up, Crazy Tom is opposed to medication.

  38. SaintRond

    Don't fall all over yourselves praising this piece of shit. Because at the end of the day, that's what he is – a piece of shit.

    Peace… God bless…

  39. bureaucrap

    Yet another tragic example of the ravages of the Kruger-Dunning effect.

    "I'ze smart, and all dem Supreme Court Joostices is stoopid!"

  40. ttommyunger

    Gosh, too bad this didn't come up during his vetting or hearings for this important post. BTW, what's your excuse, Micheal? Brain Cancer, perhaps? One can only hope….(sighs wistfully).

  41. orygoon

    Oh you guys, you have given me such golden excuses for why I didn't call my mother right back–maybe enough to last the rest of her life. Thanks!

    If it's because Roberts is about to go all Souter on the GOP, that would be excuse enough for me. Irony is the best.

  42. tessiee

    "There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My ex-wife is a 'tard. She's a pilot now."

  43. TribecaMike

    So, Roberts ruled the way he did so he could get health insurance?

    The SCOTUS: worst benefits package ever!

  44. Limeylizzie

    My name is Limeylizzie and I am an epileptic, so STFU Michael Savage, if that is indeed your real name…what , oh it isn't? Your real name is Weiner?

Comments are closed.