it was all just so exciting

Fox News tried, it really tried, to make lies true, and to expect something so thoroughly, in the deepest crevasses of its soul, that when hearing the opposite it, it just heard its wish, its dream, namely for the Obamacare individual mandate to be ruled unconstitutional. But it was, oddly, upheld! So now The Worst (CNN and Fox News) feel they have to explain themselves. Not that it wasn’t confusing all around. But Fox’s non-explanation is that it HEARD AND ALSO READ that the mandate was unconstitutional. And anyway, they didn’t suck at accuracy nearly as much as “one other cable network.”

CNN released this statement on its eff-up earlier, and it did actually include the word “regret.” Here’s Fox News’s statement:

We gave our viewers the news as it happened. When Justice Roberts said, and we read, that the mandate was not valid under the Commerce clause, we reported it.

Fox News’s slogan shall henceforth be: WORDS, SAID AND READ.


Bill Hemmer even added, be patient as we work through this. Then when we heard and read, that the mandate could be upheld under the government’s power to tax, we reported that as well—all within two minutes.

So, bottom line: Fox News is FAST, FAST at telling lies, FAST at correcting them!

By contrast, one other cable network was unable to get their Supreme Court reporter to the camera, and said as much. Another said it was a big setback for the President. Fox reported the facts, as they came in.

And by “as they came in,” they mean that the beginning of a sentence can be true until such a time as the possibly contradictory end of the sentence is reported to them. This is how news works, people. Now you know. [Politico]

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  • ChernobylSoup

    It worked when they called Florida in 2000. They figured they had to at least try.

  • Barb

    Fox News, what a bunch of twat waffles!

    • "Twat waffles" is my new favorite insult. Thank you, Barb!

      • Barb

        Thanks, Val!

    • Douché

      I had a twat waffle once, they're not as good as you think, even with syrup.

    • biblioteq_tress

      I like twats! I like waffles! I like syrup on both! Please don't make them bad!!

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    news change as fast as facts change

  • Redhead

    "Fox reported the facts, as they came in."
    When has Fox News ever reported the facts, much less on time?

    • I'm a little confused by their decision to contradict their initial report. Everybody watching FOX News knows that Obamacare is unconstitutional, socialist and Kenyan, and that's what we expect FOX News to report. Of course those nice conservatives on the Supreme Court have ruled it unconstitutional. Who cares what the lamestream media is reporting? If everybody else jumps off a cliff is FOX News going to jump too? Stick to the TRUTH, FOX News. The TRUTH we all know in our hearts, not the lies imbedded in liberal facts and "objective reality" (as if such a thing existed!). It all depends on your point of view, and FOX is supposed to represent the correct, Christian, white point of view. And from that perspective, Obamacare is unconstitutional and everybody knows it and the Supreme Court just affirmed it and it is only because he is a ruthless dictator that Hussein Obama is going to push his socialist plan down our throats anyway.

      What's wrong with FOX News? Is this any time to abandon the TRUTH? Perhaps George Soros is more powerful than we ever imagined.

    • UW8316154

      "facts" – heh.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Fox gets its news by watching CNN?

  • Never attribute to malice what's more easily explained by stupidity.

    • Pragmatist2

      "Malice" and "stupidity" are not mutually exclusive.

      • In fact, the stupid are often malicious, as if to spite that agent responsible for the handing out of smarts.

      • FOX has perfected the art of malicious stupidity.

    • It's Fox News. Their malice is well established.
      Never accept at face value, without qualifications, any aphorism which begins with the word never.

    • Antispandex

      " We report, You decry"

    • Baconzgood

      That's a beautiful thing to say.

    • tessiee

      Like their poster boy Dumbass Bush, they've got plenty of both.
      And also like him, what they can't fuck up, they shit on.

  • Can you imagine the fact that they got cover from CNN on this, which also screwed the pooch?

  • They're reporting from a different timestream, you guys. Why you gotta be so mean?

    • In that time stream, they have floating skateboards and the Cubs win the World Series

      • Jetpaks. And Gee, Dumb? Yeah, Bush! works at a burger joint in Houston.

        • tessiee

          And he's not very good at his job there, either.

          • Frankly, I can't see George being good at anything. I mean, for eight years I wondered how he came by his spawn. At least they look like him.

    • viennawoods13

      Eddies in the time-space continuum.

      • RLY? That's it? Eddies in spacetime makes Teh Wonketz MEEEAN?

        I'm'a try that excuse on mah baby the next time I'm feeling mean.

      • Boojum

        Tell Eddie to get the fuck out, he almost screwed the pooch for all of us.

  • Modified Faux Newz (News Crap Entertainment Division) Motto: "We Repart… um We Repeat… er We Make up shit so you don't have to decide."

    • noodlesalad

      Fox News: "We pretty much got you by the balls now, teatards, so you'll watch it, believe it, and LIKE it, goddamnit"

    • Antispandex

      I think it's pretty small minded to expect the "news" to always be true. Couldn't it just be mostly true? True from a certain perspective? Have a certain FEELING of truth? I mean, why so picky? It's the news, and it's Fox, so it's up for interpretation…you know "We report, YOU DECIDE"?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    CBS called Florida for Gore in 2000, and we all know how that worked out.

  • carlgt1

    Et tu, CNN? You're supposed to be the "liberal media" dammit!

    And imagine the shock at Fox when the ruling didn't match the memo from Roger Ailes!

  • noodlesalad

    Fair and balanced between stuff that's happening, as viewed with a conservative bias, and stuff conservatives wish was happening.

  • i blame bath salts. lots of 'em.


  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fox has a lot more to apologize for than this little fuckup.

  • Callyson

    You know what else FOX News "heard and read"?

    • CthuNHu

      Muammar Gaddafi (D) meets end in hail of bullets.

    • nounverb911

      My Pet Goat?

    • anniegetyerfun


      • OneDollarJuana

        That's Hitler (D). Accuracy matters.

    • Baconzgood

      That the "mission" was "accomplished"?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I haven't seen anyone link to the Nooner Classic: So Much to Savor.

    • CthuNHu

      Holy shit. That is astonishingly repulsive and self-contented bilious idiocy.

      There is this, though: "I do not know what the Democratic Party spent, in toto, on the 2004 election, but what they seem to have gotten for it is Barack Obama. Let us savor."

      Yeah, savor it, Nooner.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Not as good as the above, but still note-worthy:
        As much as anyone, the POW wives of Vietnam, who stood against the Democratic nominee for president and for the Republican, can claim credit for the Bush victory. Everyone with a computer in America, and a lot of people with TVs, saw their testimony about the 1970s, and their husbands, and John Kerry. You could not come away from their white-haired, soft-faced, big-eyeglasses visages without thinking: He should not be commander in chief.

        I'd vomit if I wasn't laughing so hard. Bitch.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        In no way has she ever been a hack. Nope. None. Never.

    • anniegetyerfun

      OMG, this is gold:

      "The Democrats have lost their leader in the Senate, Tom Daschle. I do not know what the Democratic Party spent, in toto, on the 2004 election, but what they seem to have gotten for it is Barack Obama. Let us savor."

    • BarackMyWorld

      I love how she goes on and on about Bush's margin of victory. How did she make it through election night 2008 without committing suicide, exactly?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Glad to share that. I was sure that everyone knew it by heart now and it would be trite.

    • Limeylizzie

      That is amazing, I will savor or savour, in my case.

    • tessiee

      Wow, she must have a longer tongue than Gene Simmons and no gag reflex whatsoever.
      I mean, I pride myself on my skills at giving pleasure, but even I can't simultaneously deep throat AND ball wash AND taint lick and… is she? yup, she's felching Bush's asshole, too, feculent though it may be with coke-induced diarrhea.
      Really, my hat's off to that leprous old skank.

    • tessiee

      "an e-mail that dismissed the numbers as elitist nonsense and propaganda"

      If you didn't read any other part of that drivel (and if not, I envy you), this sentence fragment alone would tell you all you need to know about the "writer".

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well that’s one apology down, how about the other 23 gazillion we’re due?

  • But "Obamacare" was still upheld, right?

    (God, rubbing it in never felt this good before).

  • Pragmatist2

    There is no 12 Step program for habitual liars.

    • There are only eleven steps to the gallows, true.

    • LibertyLover

      Then Mitt Romney is doomed.

    • bikerlaureate

      Get a horse thief sober, and you have… a sober horse thief.

  • MissTaken

    Fox News was just doing the new gymnastic move called 'The Romney'. It includes a flip-flop followed by utter confusion over which side of the mat to stand – on the right or the left?? – all within two minutes.

    • BaldarTFlagass


  • You know Clarence Thomas and his Tea Bag ***** are plucking some fine hairs tonight for Roberts' coffee in the morning.

    • tessiee

      BAD BURL!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Fox News is FAST, FAST at telling lies, FAST at correcting them!"

    I believe the first two statements. The last one, not so much.

  • If it's Fox it's faux.

    That is all.

  • PhilippePetain

    Huh, the sun seems to be up, this day will most likely go on forev…OH SHIT ITS GETTING DARKER WAIT PEOPLE, OH NO HOW CAN THIS HAVE HAPPENED.

  • Fairtackle

    I wish fox would just admit they are a bunch of useless turds and go somewhere and quietly sit and cry to themselves because they are so useless. and turdy.

    • Isyaignert

      They're actually very useful to the Republicon party who depend on keeping Foxbots like my brother on their side. Even though I send him articles about how Fux watchers are less informed than people who watch NO news at all; he won't give it up and swears it's all true and that I'm the one who is being duped. I personally know several families who have been blown-up by the BS on Fux. Family values my arse!

  • LettucePrey

    I suspect that Faux News viewers will forever think the ACA was overturned. After all, that's how we ended up with W.

    • There's not as many of them left, and time continues to thin the ranks.

  • Baconzgood

    My fav press moment was when that crazy intern came running out waving a towel during the Martha Stewart trial.

    Can anyone find the you tube on that?

  • Baconzgood


  • randcoolcatdaddy

    So…what they're saying is that there's no filter between what goes on in their head and comes out their mouths?

    FoxNews has Tourette's?

  • nounverb911

    Is Fox News part of the entertainment section of Fox or the dying media part?

    • Isyaignert

      It's all entertainment/propaganda – there is no "news." It is the marketing department of the RepubliCONs and nothing more.

      Joseph Goebbles would be proud!

  • Hera Sent Me

    "'But I don't want to go among mad people', said Alice. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat, 'We're all mad here.'"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Breaking News: Fox News are not a bunch of dumb cunts!!

    Correction: So sorry. They are, in fact, a bunch of irredeemably dumb cunts.

  • LettucePrey

    This just in on Fox: "Dewey Defeats Truman."

    • BarackMyWorld

      Oh my God that's brilliant.

  • Yeah whatever, old news. Germany better wake the fuck up or Ima gonna throw a chicken wing at the TeeVee!

    • 15 minutes to go. Auf Wiedersehen, Deutsche dudes. (I don't really have a dog in this fight since the Czechs were knocked out, but we are watching the game.)

    • tessiee

      "Ima gonna throw a chicken wing at the TeeVee!"

      Elvis?? Is that you?

  • elburritodeluxe

    Stay classy, you dickwads.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Having a schadenfreude overdose today, may need to lie down soon.

    • PeaceWithHonor

      I'm just going to keep schadenfreuding all over myself. Don't care about the stains.

    • UW8316154

      /passes refreshing drink and a moist towelette

  • MissTaken

    Obviously the solution is more CNN holograms.

  • glamourdammerung

    If Fox started apologizing for all the times it was wrong (ignoring all the times they are simply lying), when would they show ads?

  • thefrontpage


    CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, HLN and Fox Business News SUCK! They are generally terrible, they're often wrong and inaccurate, they are the basement and gutter of journalism, they follow newspapers all the time, they scream and shout like banshees, they sensationalize, they "report" stupid, trivial news, they dumb-down the news, they have too many talking heads, they are biased, they are subjective, and they are just obnoxious, unprofessional, inane, insane, moronic and idiotic. It would be great to see all of them shut down their screaming, annoying, moronic news operations. Newspapers and wire services and a small handful of magazines remain the foundation of real, actual journalism in the United States–and that is a fact.

    • MissTaken

      To be fair, without HLN and Nancy Grace we would have no idea when a blonde white girl goes missing.

    • prommie

      Matt Taibbi makes up 70% of all real actual journalism in the US.

    • tessiee

      There was also that Star Wars movie where all the aliens went on C-SPAN.

  • elburritodeluxe

    It isn't just that they're liars and shills for the GOP, but Fox is always super insecure about its shitbag reportage. Contrast their non-apology to CNNs:
    <block>…CNN regrets that it didn’t wait to report out the full and complete opinion regarding the mandate. We made a correction within a few minutes and apologize for the error.</block>

  • elburritodeluxe

    It isn't just that they're liars and shills for the GOP, but Fox is always super insecure about its shitbag reportage. Contrast their non-apology to CNNs: "…CNN regrets that it didn’t wait to report out the full and complete opinion regarding the mandate. We made a correction within a few minutes and apologize for the error."

    • tessiee

      Narcissists are like that. Their "apologies" always suck, because they really think they're never wrong, about anything.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Fox News: We Report, You Decide…Whether to Believe Us

  • OldWhiteLies

    This whole thing brings to mind the title of that 5th Tubes album:

    The Completion Backwards Principle

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Guess we'll talk to them later.

      • She's a beauty, that one

      • bikerlaureate

        Let's make some noise.

    • tessiee

      I thought you were gonna say "White Punks on Dope".

    • MosesInvests

      Don't wanna hear it again tonight.

  • MissTaken

    I'm utterly stunned that a news organization so on top of their facts normally would mess this up.

  • ph7

    Stream of Consciousness is reality, even if it isn't. All of them, Katie.

  • Estproph

    So the healthcare ruling was completely unconstitutional, until it became constitutional later on in the sentence about its constitutionality?

  • Antispandex

    Reading the news is HARD!

  • ph7

    one other cable network was unable to get their Supreme Court reporter to the camera, and said as much.

    We we wrong, but at least we got our guy on camera! WTF!

    • Baconzgood

      I wouldn't too proud to fuck up and have it on TV.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, well, here's where I blame God: for not creating a giant toilet to flush FOX down….I so long to see their swirling faces disappear….

  • LibertyLover

    Fox News "HEARD AND ALSO READ that the mandate was unconstitutional."?

    Then they really DON'T do any real reporting over there?

  • Douché

    Factual facts are unconstitutional.

  • mavenmaven

    This is why I wait to get the true news from Wonkette and Jon Stewart.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I'm glad the decision was announced early enough in the day that TDS will be able to devote a whole show to it.

      • viennawoods13

        Jon and Stephen will have a field day.

  • magic_titty

    Sean Hannity, watching from his bed at home, started masturbating when he heard the word 'unconstitutional'. Then he stopped immediately and cringed when he heard ACA was actually upheld. Then he started again once Megyn Kelly reappeared on the screen, choking down her disappointment. Then he told the maid to stop looking at him.

  • dcjdjay

    Bill Hemmer – way cuter than any of the blubbering blond bimbos on Fox News, but just as dumb.

  • BlueStateLibel

    How hard is it to wait a few minutes for the NY Times to put up its story to make sure they get it right???

  • Eve8Apples

    It's constitutional, Bitches. I heard and read that today.

    I also heard and read that Faux News eats salted rat dicks.

  • Wadisay

    Fox Original Headline: Obama Drinks the Blood of Christian Children!!!11!!!

    Fox Correction: Obama did not today drink the blood of any Christian children, at least that we can confirm. Yet.

  • bikerlaureate

    In wonderful, wonderful hindsight – if we had discussed which cable channel was most likely to misreport the ruling, would there have been any doubt about which one would've been named most often?

  • JackObin

    This is no revelation, but it bears repeating: Fox News is fucking nuts.

  • W88

    Fox = Reichsministerium für Volksaufklärung und Propaganda

  • PuglyDoRight

    Funny, MSNBC had it right. Their guy actually stood there and read through the ruling before reporting on it. Crazy, I know.

  • Wilcoxyz

    So these dudes went through school turning in book reports based on the first chapter and a bunch of bullshit. Sure.

  • TribecaMike

    I hate the smell of poopy pundit pants in the morning.

  • rocktonsam

    'we report it, you decide"

    I guess so…

  • BZ1

    This was generally a surprise to everyone, Fox was literally gleeful the day before; too bad, so sad.

  • tessiee

    Evil liars are evil. And liars.

  • tessiee

    I'm sure that neither wishful thinking, nor the common right-wing belief that if you repeat something enough times it becomes true, played no part whatsoever in their teeny tiny little mistake.

  • MosesInvests

    Ein Volk.
    Ein Reich.
    Ein Fuhrer.
    Ein Newschannel.

  • ttommyunger


  • Isyaignert

    Shades of the 2000 (s)election when GeeDumb Bush's cousin at Fux News announced that he had won Florida and the election was over (even though Gore actually won Florida when the votes were finally counted by the NYT). Soon, CNN and other media malpracticing fukheads were parroting the same thing and folks, that's how propaganda gets catapaulted.

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