also princess peach must cover her whorish face

Iranians Creating Really Boring Video Game About Salman Rushdie

Such brazen propoganda could never be released here, of courseYou guys, the Iranian government is still super mad about Salman Rushdie bad-mouthing the Prophet Muhammed, 25 years ago! But since Ayatollah Khomeini’s death sentence against him continues to not be carried out, what can they do to get the kids interested in violent intimidation of literary blasphemy? Hmm, the kids love the video games, right? The thing you hook up to the TV and use to make the Crusader/Zionist plumbers jump on top of turtles or whatever? What if we turned this whole Salman Rushdie business into one of these video games, and gave it an awesome name like … “The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict”? That is an amazing title, but we’re afraid that it contains the making of what might be the dullest video game of all time.

It’s really too bad that the Iranian government does their best to cut off all cultural contamination from the West, because otherwise they’d know that the video game hotness is all about assassination these days. But instead, the title of this upcoming Iranian video game smash implies that the hot tech talent of the Islamic Republic will be taking a different approach to preventing blasphemy: by depicting how irritating and stressful it is to live under a death fatwa. Possible game levels include:

  • Sitting around your house watching TV because there have been “credible threats” of possible attacks on you.
  • Making awkward small talk with your security guys, who are really nice and do a great job but you have nothing in common with them.
  • Trying to figure out how let Bono know that he’s turning into an embarrassing self-parody without alienating him, because you really do value his friendship.
  • Divorcing Padma Lakshmi.

It’s like the Sims, but even more boring! The title was announced at the International Computer Games Expo in Tehran. It’s being created by the Islamic Association of Students, the director of which noted that “We usually don’t have any problems with initial thoughts and ideas [for a computer games] but when it comes to the actual point of production we experience delays,” which is always the problem with all the sweet video games we think up too, the part where you have to actually create them. Expect this thriller to hit shelves sometime between three years from now and never.

In news about Iranian video games that actually exist, the Iranian military has released “Battle in the Gulf of Aden”, in which “the player of the game will take the role of an Iranian commando who should fight and kill pirates in the Gulf of Aden and then find and destroy their hideouts in a bid to find and kill the buccaneers’ ringleader.” Wait, can we get that one here? Because that sounds fucking awesome. [RS]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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91 comments

  1. Barb

    If "The Satanic Verses" wasn't bad enough, he had to follow up with his second book, "Buddha, You Fat Fuck."

  2. Come here a minute

    Play it for the exciting hours sitting at the writing desk, creating award-winning bestsellers.

      1. Fairtackle

        Gobbling oxycontin allows you to say more and more outrageous shit . You win the round by getting all your sponsors to abandon you.

        In the boss round you gobble viagra so you can nail little Dominican boys. This damages the boss until you win when she gives you a divorce.

        The next round starts with you getting married again.

        Wow. I just put way too much thought into that.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Dude, I just finished the 2112 level, and I rock and promoted my rational self interest!

  3. elburritodeluxe

    Wait… this gives ME an idea. How about a videogame called Blogger!

    A blogger sits in his/her(?) house in pajamas drinking diet cokes and eating stuff in front of a computer and types. Sometimes they get up, too.

          1. Negropolis

            When you drink as much as you guys seem to do, it must feel as if you'd been hit by a truck. lol

  4. bureaucrap

    I especially like the part where he has to navigate an Upper West Side cocktail party, pushing and hunting his way through editors, film producers, writers, composers and supermodels to get to the canape table. You get 5000 points for eating something that isn't a pork roll. That would include, by the way, a supermodel.

  5. Callyson

    “Battle in the Gulf of Aden”, in which “the player of the game will take the role of an Iranian commando who should fight and kill pirates in the Gulf of Aden and then find and destroy their hideouts in a bid to find and kill the buccaneers’ ringleader.”

    So, Tampa Bay is Iran's archrival now? Aw, I was rooting for Steeler Nation to take that honored title…

  6. weejee

    Connor Kenway, birth name Ratonhnhaké:ton (pronounced "Ra-doon-ha-gay-doon")

    Well the Iranians have to play the ixnay the "gay doons" don't they? Can't have no ghey dooners leaking over the border. Maybe they should ask Arizona for pointers on that border stuff.

      1. weejee

        Silly me, I clicked the clickie and was transported to the Wiki's entry on Assassin's Creed III. Mr. Kenway appears to be the new protagonist in that video game. I was just taken aback a bit by the pronunciation of his 'birther' name.

  7. MissTaken

    “The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict”

    Can I play this on Pong or do I need to upgrade to an Atari machine?

    1. BaldarTCrabass

      Sounds like you and I operate on just about the same level, computer-game wise. But I used to be pretty awesome on Breakout back in the day.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        What you don't understand is that "Salman" literally translates as "He who is hung like a donkey"

    1. mrpuma2u

      It does mean she is available though. In the Rush man's d-fence I heard that high maintenance didn't even begin to cover it.

  8. prommie

    But what about Generallissimo Francisco Franco? Is he still dead? The dearth of reporting on this critical issue is appalling.

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The title was announced at the International Computer Games Expo in Tehran.

    I bet they have the hottest booth babes at that Expo!

  10. scvirginia

    They forgot the part about Rushdie having eye surgery to keep his eyes open… That must've been exciting!

  11. SexySmurf

    There's no way that video game could be more boring than Salman Rushdie's last five books.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Knowing how these things work, they probably just took Ids' original Doom engine, pasted in the head of the Ayatollah on the space Marine, and put Rushdie's head on a couple of Imps. Cutting edge technology for 1995, or the rest of the world outside of the US and Japan today.

  13. Chill_Bill

    "Trying to figure out how let Bono know that he’s turning into an embarrassing self-parody without alienating him, because you really do value his friendship."

    You know, I'm perfectly OK with letting Bono make an ass out of himself.

  14. BaldarTCrabass

    The game could consist of making Rushdie smoke cigarettes and drink scotch to excess; it worked for his buddy Hitchens.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Finally — somebody has the aesthetic sensibility that it'll take to make the John Edwards Experience video game.

  16. mavenmaven

    "Iranian commando who should fight and kill pirates…"
    Sounds awesome, except that the player fights the enemy by reciting verses from the Koran at them.

  17. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How about one where you try to cross the road without getting run over by all of the infidels?

    1. BaldarTCrabass

      Ever driven in the Middle East? If the US really wants to kill 'em all, we can just go over there and build superhighways throughout the region. They would be extinct over there within a decade or two and we could just walk in and take all the oil.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        My brother moved to Dubai a few years ago, and the first thing he did, after seeing what the local driving was like, was buy a monster SUV – survival of the biggest.

        1. BaldarTCrabass

          It's what happens when you go from riding camels to driving Ferraris in a generation and a half.

  18. Ducksworthy

    Why hasn't anybody created a video game involving gunning down, blowing & otherwise eviscerating my favorite SCOTUS characters? Or would Zombie Thomas be too close to the real thing.

  19. Hera Sent Me

    The irony is that Salman Rushdie's sucks as an author. His "magic realism" style is turgid, tedious and way too self-congratulatory. Nobody but a few self-styled literary aficionados would have known about his ponderous, fat-witted book "The Satanic Verses" if the Iranian ayatollahs hadn't gotten their turbans in a wad over it.

    They made Rushdie famous. They made him rich. They made him a symbol of freedom of expression. They made us aware of his pretentious scribblings. For those reasons alone maybe we should let Israel kick their asses.

    1. Negropolis

      Rushdie made himself famous, to be honest. Few writers have whored themselves more and harder for attention than Rushdie.

  20. Eve8Apples

    The Iranian Government should develop a video game that allows the player to acquire a harem of virgins by blowing himself up. Maybe the jihadists would realize that putting a bomb in your underpants kind of defeats the whole purpose of acquiring a harem of virgins.

  21. chascates

    Waste Rushdie and you get to rip a piece of flesh out of the Ayatollah's body on his way to the graveyard!

  22. James Michael Curley

    WE need Grand Theft Blogger after a night of cheetos and way too many Red Bulls you go out, steal a Puma Tank and eradicate the local amphibian population trying to cross the road during mating season. Here's your avatar

  23. Negropolis

    Poor, dumb, beautiful Padma.

    BTW, I've got a few names for their game:

    "An Incovenient Truth About Religious Extremism"

    "Grand Theft Ayatollah"

    "Prigs of Persia"

    "Iraqtastic"

  24. ttommyunger

    Some Iranians are hung up on what the Persian Empire once was. Salman Rushdie is hung up on what he never was.

Comments are closed.