Iranians Creating Really Boring Video Game About Salman Rushdie

by Josh Fruhlinger

Such brazen propoganda could never be released here, of courseYou guys, the Iranian government is still super mad about Salman Rushdie bad-mouthing the Prophet Muhammed, 25 years ago! But since Ayatollah Khomeini’s death sentence against him continues to not be carried out, what can they do to get the kids interested in violent intimidation of literary blasphemy? Hmm, the kids love the video games, right? The thing you hook up to the TV and use to make the Crusader/Zionist plumbers jump on top of turtles or whatever? What if we turned this whole Salman Rushdie business into one of these video games, and gave it an awesome name like … “The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict”? That is an amazing title, but we’re afraid that it contains the making of what might be the dullest video game of all time.

It’s really too bad that the Iranian government does their best to cut off all cultural contamination from the West, because otherwise they’d know that the video game hotness is all about assassination these days. But instead, the title of this upcoming Iranian video game smash implies that the hot tech talent of the Islamic Republic will be taking a different approach to preventing blasphemy: by depicting how irritating and stressful it is to live under a death fatwa. Possible game levels include:

  • Sitting around your house watching TV because there have been “credible threats” of possible attacks on you.
  • Making awkward small talk with your security guys, who are really nice and do a great job but you have nothing in common with them.
  • Trying to figure out how let Bono know that he’s turning into an embarrassing self-parody without alienating him, because you really do value his friendship.
  • Divorcing Padma Lakshmi.

It’s like the Sims, but even more boring! The title was announced at the International Computer Games Expo in Tehran. It’s being created by the Islamic Association of Students, the director of which noted that “We usually don’t have any problems with initial thoughts and ideas [for a computer games] but when it comes to the actual point of production we experience delays,” which is always the problem with all the sweet video games we think up too, the part where you have to actually create them. Expect this thriller to hit shelves sometime between three years from now and never.

In news about Iranian video games that actually exist, the Iranian military has released “Battle in the Gulf of Aden”, in which “the player of the game will take the role of an Iranian commando who should fight and kill pirates in the Gulf of Aden and then find and destroy their hideouts in a bid to find and kill the buccaneers’ ringleader.” Wait, can we get that one here? Because that sounds fucking awesome. [RS]

 
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{ 91 comments }

Barb June 27, 2012 at 4:03 pm

If "The Satanic Verses" wasn't bad enough, he had to follow up with his second book, "Buddha, You Fat Fuck."

Fare la Volpe June 27, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Southeast Asians across the world responded, "Huh?"

HoytClagwell June 27, 2012 at 8:14 pm

His second book?

Sorry for the snark-free post, but if you haven't read _Midnight's Children_ you're missing out. Just sayin'.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Thanks for the advice. I need some books on my Kindle.

Toomush_Infer June 28, 2012 at 9:00 am

Yeah, but his third: "Jesus sings Vegas Standards from the Cross" rules!!!…

Come here a minute June 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Play it for the exciting hours sitting at the writing desk, creating award-winning bestsellers.

johnnyzhivago June 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Angry Burkas!

coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm

We have a similar video game here in the states, it's called Fox News.

Chill_Bill June 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm

We need a video game about the other Rush too.

Fairtackle June 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

You get power-ups by gobbling viagra?

Chill_Bill June 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Oxicotin. You also get married at the end of each level.

Fairtackle June 27, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Gobbling oxycontin allows you to say more and more outrageous shit . You win the round by getting all your sponsors to abandon you.

In the boss round you gobble viagra so you can nail little Dominican boys. This damages the boss until you win when she gives you a divorce.

The next round starts with you getting married again.

Wow. I just put way too much thought into that.

iburl June 27, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Red Barchetta powerup.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Dude, I just finished the 2112 level, and I rock and promoted my rational self interest!

nounverb911 June 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Do you extra points for nailing little Dominicans?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Extra points? That is the whole point of the game!

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Rock Band: Canadian Prog edition?

elburritodeluxe June 27, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Wait… this gives ME an idea. How about a videogame called Blogger!

A blogger sits in his/her(?) house in pajamas drinking diet cokes and eating stuff in front of a computer and types. Sometimes they get up, too.

Chichikovovich June 27, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Hey! I'm playing that right now!

Kind of boring, though.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I've made it to the second level of Blogger already today.

Fare la Volpe June 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm

The worst part is when you get hit by the trucks.

Wait, wrong game.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:17 am

When you drink as much as you guys seem to do, it must feel as if you'd been hit by a truck. lol

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

This game sucks. Let's go do some crimes.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Let's, like, get sushi and not pay.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Some of us are on our way to Detroit to torch the Packard Building. Again.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:18 am

Can you set afire a building already burning? The Buddha wants to know.

DemmeFatale June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Are Cheetos somehow involved?
(I love Cheetos.)

Blueb4sunrise June 27, 2012 at 4:32 pm

What level is wearing scuba shorts and drinking shots of 7-Crown?

lisawines June 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I never get up. Nachos and tequila are on my bedside table. Outside? What's that?

BaldarTCrabass June 28, 2012 at 7:51 am

Natural light! Get it off me!

bureaucrap June 27, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I especially like the part where he has to navigate an Upper West Side cocktail party, pushing and hunting his way through editors, film producers, writers, composers and supermodels to get to the canape table. You get 5000 points for eating something that isn't a pork roll. That would include, by the way, a supermodel.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:18 am

WIN

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Will they be releasing a Lego themed version for the younger revolutionaries?

Fare la Volpe June 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Salman Rushdie and the Chamber of Microwave Pizzas: Years 1-10

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 4:10 pm

“Battle in the Gulf of Aden”, in which “the player of the game will take the role of an Iranian commando who should fight and kill pirates in the Gulf of Aden and then find and destroy their hideouts in a bid to find and kill the buccaneers’ ringleader.”

So, Tampa Bay is Iran's archrival now? Aw, I was rooting for Steeler Nation to take that honored title…

weejee June 27, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Connor Kenway, birth name Ratonhnhaké:ton (pronounced "Ra-doon-ha-gay-doon")

Well the Iranians have to play the ixnay the "gay doons" don't they? Can't have no ghey dooners leaking over the border. Maybe they should ask Arizona for pointers on that border stuff.

Blueb4sunrise June 27, 2012 at 4:32 pm

What's a kenway?

weejee June 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Silly me, I clicked the clickie and was transported to the Wiki's entry on Assassin's Creed III. Mr. Kenway appears to be the new protagonist in that video game. I was just taken aback a bit by the pronunciation of his 'birther' name.

OzoneTom June 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Will there be a multi-player version on Steam any time soon?

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm

“The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict”

Can I play this on Pong or do I need to upgrade to an Atari machine?

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Sounds like you and I operate on just about the same level, computer-game wise. But I used to be pretty awesome on Breakout back in the day.

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Divorcing Padma Lakshmi was proof that Rushdie must be insane.

Chill_Bill June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Insane is the fact that he was able to score Padma to begin with.

YasserArraFeck June 27, 2012 at 4:30 pm

What you don't understand is that "Salman" literally translates as "He who is hung like a donkey"

MumbletyRadio June 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm

His first wife wasn't bad looking either, plus, she had the knack for writing a good yarn too.

mrpuma2u June 27, 2012 at 4:51 pm

It does mean she is available though. In the Rush man's d-fence I heard that high maintenance didn't even begin to cover it.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm

The landmines will make tending the crops more exciting than on FarmVille.

lisawines June 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I can blow up all those fucking strawberry and chocolate milk cows.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm

But what about Generallissimo Francisco Franco? Is he still dead? The dearth of reporting on this critical issue is appalling.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm

The title was announced at the International Computer Games Expo in Tehran.

I bet they have the hottest booth babes at that Expo!

Fare la Volpe June 27, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I hear if you look close enough you can almost see a toe.

LionHeartSoyDog June 27, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Pinky-toe fetish libel!

lisawines June 27, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Correction: Booth Babe. There was only one booth.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:23 am

I heard one of the girls had her ankles showing. Whore!

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

They forgot the part about Rushdie having eye surgery to keep his eyes open… That must've been exciting!

LionHeartSoyDog June 27, 2012 at 7:49 pm

He always looks like he's smacked to the gills on opium derivatives.

SexySmurf June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

There's no way that video game could be more boring than Salman Rushdie's last five books.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Knowing how these things work, they probably just took Ids' original Doom engine, pasted in the head of the Ayatollah on the space Marine, and put Rushdie's head on a couple of Imps. Cutting edge technology for 1995, or the rest of the world outside of the US and Japan today.

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 4:25 pm

It also works for Breitbart's followers.

Tyrannically_Joe June 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm
Chill_Bill June 27, 2012 at 4:25 pm

"Trying to figure out how let Bono know that he’s turning into an embarrassing self-parody without alienating him, because you really do value his friendship."

You know, I'm perfectly OK with letting Bono make an ass out of himself.

YasserArraFeck June 27, 2012 at 4:32 pm

turning into????
Bono passed that point some time ago.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 4:25 pm

The game could consist of making Rushdie smoke cigarettes and drink scotch to excess; it worked for his buddy Hitchens.

Doktor Zoom June 27, 2012 at 4:27 pm

the dullest video game of all time.

That title still belongs to Desert Bus

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Even something intentionally boring can't top the infamous Atari E.T. for dullness.

SayItWithWookies June 27, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Finally — somebody has the aesthetic sensibility that it'll take to make the John Edwards Experience video game.

mavenmaven June 27, 2012 at 4:31 pm

"Iranian commando who should fight and kill pirates…"
Sounds awesome, except that the player fights the enemy by reciting verses from the Koran at them.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 4:31 pm

All your mosque are belong to us.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 4:32 pm

How about one where you try to cross the road without getting run over by all of the infidels?

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Ever driven in the Middle East? If the US really wants to kill 'em all, we can just go over there and build superhighways throughout the region. They would be extinct over there within a decade or two and we could just walk in and take all the oil.

YasserArraFeck June 27, 2012 at 4:46 pm

My brother moved to Dubai a few years ago, and the first thing he did, after seeing what the local driving was like, was buy a monster SUV – survival of the biggest.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 4:48 pm

It's what happens when you go from riding camels to driving Ferraris in a generation and a half.

poorgradstudent June 27, 2012 at 4:44 pm

It still can't possibly be as awesome as International Guerrillas.

ManchuCandidate June 27, 2012 at 4:47 pm

So this is the ET* of First Person Shooters?

*worst game ever… seriously
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.T._the_Extra-Terre

Tyrannically_Joe June 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm
AbandonHope June 27, 2012 at 7:48 pm

And then there are the times when a game is so awful it underflows and becomes somehow Zen.

Tyrannically_Joe June 27, 2012 at 7:55 pm

You're Winner!

Ducksworthy June 27, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Why hasn't anybody created a video game involving gunning down, blowing & otherwise eviscerating my favorite SCOTUS characters? Or would Zombie Thomas be too close to the real thing.

fuflans June 27, 2012 at 9:47 pm

this is really funny.

also, probably visit by special forces.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 28, 2012 at 3:37 am

Surveyors Marks III: Supreme Edition

ManchuCandidate June 27, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Grand Infidel Assassin: Rushdie

Hera Sent Me June 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

The irony is that Salman Rushdie's sucks as an author. His "magic realism" style is turgid, tedious and way too self-congratulatory. Nobody but a few self-styled literary aficionados would have known about his ponderous, fat-witted book "The Satanic Verses" if the Iranian ayatollahs hadn't gotten their turbans in a wad over it.

They made Rushdie famous. They made him rich. They made him a symbol of freedom of expression. They made us aware of his pretentious scribblings. For those reasons alone maybe we should let Israel kick their asses.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:28 am

Rushdie made himself famous, to be honest. Few writers have whored themselves more and harder for attention than Rushdie.

barto June 27, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Duke Nukem Forever, doods!

Eve8Apples June 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm

The Iranian Government should develop a video game that allows the player to acquire a harem of virgins by blowing himself up. Maybe the jihadists would realize that putting a bomb in your underpants kind of defeats the whole purpose of acquiring a harem of virgins.

chascates June 27, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Waste Rushdie and you get to rip a piece of flesh out of the Ayatollah's body on his way to the graveyard!

James Michael Curley June 27, 2012 at 8:30 pm

WE need Grand Theft Blogger after a night of cheetos and way too many Red Bulls you go out, steal a Puma Tank and eradicate the local amphibian population trying to cross the road during mating season. Here's your avatar

BZ1 June 27, 2012 at 9:28 pm

"The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict" Needs moar wordz

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:14 am

Poor, dumb, beautiful Padma.

BTW, I've got a few names for their game:

"An Incovenient Truth About Religious Extremism"

"Grand Theft Ayatollah"

"Prigs of Persia"

"Iraqtastic"

AlterNewt June 28, 2012 at 12:38 am

How about "Crescent Doom"?

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:31 am

Some Iranians are hung up on what the Persian Empire once was. Salman Rushdie is hung up on what he never was.

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