HEY DAD I'M IN JAIL  3:06 pm June 27, 2012

New Hampshire Lawmaker: Everything You Need To Know About Crime, You Learn In Kindergarten

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

he looks smart!As if schools weren’t already trying to indoctrinate people’s children with “critical thinking” skills and other grave threats to the Common Good, one brave New Hampshire lawmaker is risking the laughter of his state’s godless heathens by pointing to a previously unrealized societal ill: kindergarten creates crime.

Representative Bob Kingsbury said he’s been working on a theory since 1996, when he analyzed local crime rates and compared them to a list of communities that offered public kindergarten. Then, he told his colleagues, Laconia offered kindergarten and had the highest rates of crime. Meanwhile, surrounding towns, some of which didn’t offer kindergarten, had less crime.

He rests his case!

Of course, the only reason Kingsbury had to bring up this common sense approach to keeping jails nice and full by eradicating education is because some total pussy bleeding-heart was going off first, about waaaah, we arrest too many people, waaaah, maybe cops shouldn’t be arresting people all the time.

As if! But Kingsbury was having none of that.

“We’re taking children away from their mothers too soon,” Kingsbury concluded.

You guys, nobody tell him about mothers who work, okay? We don’t want to break the spirit of this tender-hearted man.

Kingsbury wrote to all of his then state representatives, informing them of his research. To his dismay, the state Legislature has since joined the remaining 49 states in mandating public kindergarten. “And we have more crime today,” he said.

In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport.

Everyone take heed! Less education, more guns, and more fighting, and our jails will be properly filled forever.

[LaconiaDailySun, via ExeterPatch from intrepid tipster "Rudy"]

 
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{ 170 comments }

Barb June 27, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Yes, and if you home school your children they will grow up perfect. Well perfect except for the fact that they will be social misfits who will probably grow up to commit crimes.

WunkRocker June 27, 2012 at 3:30 pm

You and your snarky wonkers are ROOININGZ MERIKA http://lifehacker.com/5921655/the-snarky-voice-in

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Ummmm……just saying?

Barb June 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Oh MissTaken, meet me for drinks on the veranda, please.

Blueb4sunrise June 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Fuck that fucking fucker.

starfanglednut June 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Hi Barb! I haven't been around much the past few days. How is everything? I hope all is well, and that your grandchild is doing ok.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Hey Star! Mina made it through surgery today and she is resting comfortably. Thanks for caring!

BelleSC June 27, 2012 at 5:51 pm

That's great news! So relieved for you and for her.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Thanks Belle. I am so tired that I am trembling.

HistoriCat June 27, 2012 at 6:03 pm

That's excellent news. Here's hoping she just keeps improving.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Thanks Histori. I can't wait to see pictures of Mina.

Ruhe June 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Once while visiting my wife's family in Alphareta, GA, we got to attend a Halloween parade running through one of the nearby towns. Most of the local High Schools had their marching bands in the parade so it was a pretty good show, six or seven big bands as I recall. The last band to pass us was however utterly sad, scrubby looking, out of tune and out of sync in their marching. They were of course a marching band made up entirely of home-schooled kids and their performance was, indeed, a crime.

Butch_Wagstaff June 27, 2012 at 7:34 pm

And I'm sure the parents told their precious homeschooled snowflakes that they were the best part of the parade.

tihond June 27, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Actually, crime has been going down since the 90s, but thanks for playing Mr. Kingsbury… Shorter: Herf Derf Midnight Basketball.

LastGasp June 27, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Correlation does not equal causation. I learned that in school.

Fairtackle June 27, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I believe that is what is referred to in some circles as "liberal indoctrination".

CivicHoliday June 27, 2012 at 3:26 pm

don't sully these pages with your critical thinking skillz!

Tundra Grifter June 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm

LG:

There's the third "C" – coincidence.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 27, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Talk to all the men on death row, and you'll find that just about every damned one of 'em went to kindergarten. Kingsbury knows that there's just no way that can be a coincidence.

MosesInvests June 27, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Post hoc ergo propter hoc. That's Latin, so it must be true!

Dr_JD June 28, 2012 at 6:30 am

Also: POST HOC,ERGO PROPTER HOC fallacy. AFTER the horrors of public Kindergarten, the kid is therefore slated for a life of crime.

Chill_Bill June 27, 2012 at 3:10 pm

If you are a kindergartener in Texas, all you learn is "Jesus=Good, Hitler=Bad."

fartknocker June 27, 2012 at 3:20 pm

We also learned about naps. Warm, wonderful, peaceful naps. So it wasn't that bad of an education.

sullivanst June 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

No, that's not all you learn. Because you also learn how to make the syllogism: "Hitler=Bad, Obama=Hitler, therefore Obama=Bad". You will never learn that it's called a syllogism, however.

sharethegrief June 27, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Jesus=Good, Hitler=Obama.

UnholyMoses June 27, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Dear Texas,

Catch up, slackers.

Sincerely,

Louisiana private schools

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:37 am

You are being far too kind to them on the Hitler equation. They don't think Hitler is bad, just that he did it wrong.

widestanceromance June 27, 2012 at 3:11 pm

And do you know that every criminal since the dawn of crime originally came from. . .a VAGINA (pardon my French).

IncenseDebate June 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

It took balls to say that.

widestanceromance June 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Thanks. I live and breathe balls.

WunkRocker June 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm
RedneckMuslin June 27, 2012 at 3:51 pm

And homos! Homos come from vaginas!

Serolf_Divad June 27, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I was taught that correlation always equals causation…no matter how blindingly obviously false.

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 3:12 pm

“And we have more crime today,”

I wonder what New Hampshire is doing wrong then, since it apparently has an increasing crime rate unlike the entire rest of the country where crime has been steadily decreasing for the past twenty years.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

They are living free, man. They are living free, or die trying.

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Thought crimez.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Duh, kindergartens, dood.

edgydrifter June 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Holy fuck. Would somebody please send this guy an onion for his belt?

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Like Antonin Scallion.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I know, right? Next he's gonna blame the dimmycrats.

CthuNHu June 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Dude's a Bircher. And a Birther. And a Derper.

Butch_Wagstaff June 27, 2012 at 7:42 pm

A Bir-bir-burp-derper?

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"You guys, nobody tell him about mothers who work, okay?"

They are violating their Jesus-ordained duty to stay pregnant in the kitchen and make their husband/owner a sandwich.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Good thing YOU know all about the proper place of wimminz, huh?

starfanglednut June 27, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Ah kids. One day they're eating graham crackers and playing on the swings, and the next they're doing 5 to 10 for armed robbery.

HogeyeGrex June 27, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Ah, good times. Good times.

Butch_Wagstaff June 27, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Learnin' all those nursery rhymes & having naptime when I was in kindergarten directly led to my shoplifting and sexing up on other boys as a teen.

UnholyMoses June 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Who n the hell dug up Jonathan Winters and put him in a military uniform?

Swampgas_Man June 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm

My first impression was Orson Welles in Catch-22.

M. Bouffant June 27, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Jay Dub ain't dead. (Yet.)

DerrickWildcat June 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Outlaw towns with populations of more than 200 people!

gurukalehuru June 27, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Now, see, on the first reading I took outlaw to be an adjective and not a verb and had this vision of outlaw towns, of more than 200 people, where people could go and just do whatever the fuck they wanted, smoke ganja, kill people, stuff like that.
Your idea is good, too, though.

Chichikovovich June 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

OT, but I recommend this article from Left-wing anti-capitalist Fortune magazine, on Fast and Furious. Like Whitewater before it, it is a completely invented, non-scandal that the right wing has ginned up to hobble the administration and support fishing expeditions and Fox News specials. We knew this already, of course, but this article is impressive in the depth to which they trace out the genesis of this particular right-wing fraud.
http://features.blogs.fortune.cnn.com/2012/06/27/

Tundra Grifter June 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The best parallel to Fast and Furious is probably Iran-Contra. Without the President and Vice President being involved, of course.

I will read that piece with considerable interest.

sullivanst June 27, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Except that Iran-Contra was actually a thing.

According to Fortune, there's absolutely no "there" there with F&F whatsofuckingever – the only reason the ATF "allowed" guns to walk was because prosecutors instructed them they did not have anything close to sufficient evidence to seize them, because the NRA has made the law entirely ineffective:

It was nearly impossible in Arizona to bring a case against a straw purchaser. The federal prosecutors there did not consider the purchase of a huge volume of guns, or their handoff to a third party, sufficient evidence to seize them. A buyer who certified that the guns were for himself, then handed them off minutes later, hadn't necessarily lied and was free to change his mind. Even if a suspect bought 10 guns that were recovered days later at a Mexican crime scene, this didn't mean the initial purchase had been illegal. To these prosecutors, the pattern proved little. Instead, agents needed to link specific evidence of intent to commit a crime to each gun they wanted to seize.

sullivanst June 27, 2012 at 4:39 pm

So even the parts that the DOJ has mea-culpa'd over, are fabrications of the vast right-wing conspiracy machine.

Shorter Fortune: there wasn't even any gun-walking, the entire thing is made up.

fuflans June 27, 2012 at 8:10 pm

wow.

iburl June 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm in the country with the highest percentage of prisoners in the world. Freedom's just another word for "we need harsher and harsher sentences for more and more things, like denying the trinity."

IncenseDebate June 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

It's the socialism/sharing stuff that turns them.

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

kindergarten creates crime

Well, of course it does. That "share and share alike" commie crap turns kids into wealth destroyers. Stop this crime against the 1% right now!

Moran.

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Jeeeze. These people are elected? And I gotta work for my money.

badseeds June 27, 2012 at 3:17 pm

If these little fucks were allowed to carry in kindergarten we wouldn't be having these problems.

widestanceromance June 27, 2012 at 3:30 pm

"I'll take nap time when I'm done emptying out this chamber, teacher bitch."

sullivanst June 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

We might be having aging population problems, though.

Local_Mojo June 27, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Onions, as fashion accessories, were more common in times past. It is the increased use of alien garlic that has led to increasing crime, homosexual rights, and the horrific rise in "social media."

barto June 27, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Of course most of his research was performed at the computer in his room in his parents' home basement.

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm
coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Needz more Knowledgeable Kindergarten Kops.

UnholyMoses June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Representative Bob Kingsbury said he’s been working on a theory since 1996 …

… that's just like those conjured up in 1776.

Oblios_Cap June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

He might be a little stupid for a NH lawmaker, but he looks dashing in his doorman uniform!

Estproph June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

"Crime is on the increase. So is…"

I'm trying to think of something so completely ludicrous as a correlating factor, but he's already beat me to it, damn him! I can't think of something to make fun of the idea that kindergarten causes crime, because that is so stupid that it just doesn't get any sillier than that!

DemmeFatale June 27, 2012 at 3:59 pm

…sushi consumption?

…the sugar diabeetus?

…homeschooling?

SenileAgitation June 27, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Obesity. Krispy Kremes Kause Krime!

Boojum June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Neds moar nap carpet.

UnholyMoses June 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

And wood paneling.

DemmeFatale June 27, 2012 at 4:00 pm

And "healthy" snacks.

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Is he talking about crimes like stealing cars or crimes like betting the economy on make believe financial products and destroying everyone's net worth? Because I could totally get behind a kindergarten ban if it's the 2nd one.

edgydrifter June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

The asshats getting DUIs and brawling on the main drag during LACONIA BIKE WEEK probably went to kindergarten, too. Kindergarten is obviously the problem.

sullivanst June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

So, New Hampshire only finally enacted mandatory public kindergarten in 2009.

Does Kingsbury really want us to believe that (A) the period from then to the most recent available crime statistics is long enough to detect a trend, that (B) there aren't other serious confounding factors such as a shitty economy, and that (C) if there has been an uptick in crime (dubious), it can be attributed primarily to the 5-8 year-olds that have been affected in any way by the change in law?

Some crackers are crazy motherfuckin' cracker ass crackers.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Have you ever been around an 8 yo? They are the worst kinds of people imaginable.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Cracker ass motherfucking crazy-ass crackers, indeed.

gullywompr June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. I could have saved myself 10 years in juvie if I had waited until first grade to learn that.

HogeyeGrex June 27, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Enjoying your mandatory life sentence?

fartknocker June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

What a fucking moron.

randcoolcatdaddy June 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"“We’re taking children away from their mothers too soon,” Kingsbury concluded."

Ugh. He would have to remind me of that creepy Time magazine cover from a few weeks back with the breastfeeding three or four year old. <shudder>

chascates June 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Captain Kangeroo still looks pretty spiffy!

Geminisunmars June 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Oh, you beat me. And I looked too.

Schmannnity June 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

If more kids could stay in a loving home like the Sandusky's, everything would be better.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

But how does this affect Rielle Hunter?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Well, her child is pre-K and getting a hell of an education.

UnholyMoses June 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

You know who else went to kindergarten … ?

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

It's not a tum-ah!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Kindergarten…, sounds sort of German, doesn't it?

OneDollarJuana June 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm

That's why we called it "kindygarden".

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Thomas Hamilton?

(too soon?)

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Trayvon Martin? Where he learned to eat Skittles and wear hoodies?

UnholyMoses June 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Zimmerman went to the one where the kids pack heat, apparently …

Veritas78 June 27, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Jerry Sandusky?

But only if they shower after recess.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Criminals drank milk when children, therefore giving your child milk will make that kid grow up to commit crime!

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 3:43 pm

OMG? My 7 and 8 year old were breast fed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should I put them in the pokie now?

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Oh dear God, are you letting them interact in normal society???!! You horrible, horrible person!!!!!

WunkRocker June 27, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Also wearing shoes. Shitting indoors. Exhaling…

IncenseDebate June 27, 2012 at 3:59 pm

It's the mad cows obvs.

SayItWithWookies June 27, 2012 at 3:24 pm

As others have mentioned, this assertion is preposterous since crime in the US has been going down. Kindergarten, in fact, causes global warming.

Geminisunmars June 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Hot napping breath is the culprit.

starfanglednut June 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

But global warming is a hoax! Therefore, children do not exist.

HogeyeGrex June 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I thought it was the decline in the number of pirates that caused global warming.

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 4:33 pm

The same people that have been telling us that climate change is real are the same ones telling us that Santa Claus isn't real. And we *know* that global warming is some made up shit the libruls use to ruin the profits for jerb creators. Therefore, Santa does exist!

Next year, I better get that fucking pony I been waiting on since I was 12.

HogeyeGrex June 27, 2012 at 4:41 pm

*scoop* *scoop* *scoop*

There must be a pony in here somewhere!

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Decline in gun ownership are you fucking kidding me. We as Americans have more guns than we have almost anything else. There are probably 10 guns for every American alive and dead. Why I hazard a guess that if you frisked the average Sunday church crowed you would turn- up at least one crew fed machine gun.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Yes, but the question is, just how well are we arming our kindergartners? Are they in a position to return fire if they need to?

Estproph June 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I myself have 11.

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:19 am

I live in Georgia. They check you for guns upon entering the Sanctuary. If you don't have one, they issue you one.

Fare la Volpe June 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm

My sociology professors always cited the fact that an increase in ice cream consumption always correlates with an increase in crime as evidence that correlation does not equal causation.

Who knew they were totally onto something!

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Ben and Jerry's are definitely to blame for the criminal increase of my ass size.

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm

But it's a nice curvy ass size.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:38 pm

stop it! :)

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:49 am

SStop it, the both of ya! You're giving Wonkette The Sugar.

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 3:56 pm

"Did you know, Putnam, more people are murdered at ninety two degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once – lower temperatures people are easy-going, over ninety two it's too hot to move, but just ninety two, people get irritable!"

WunkRocker June 27, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Oooh I used to have the 12" vinyl of that.
Sha-zam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIqyVsZGxi0

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Yeah, I did too…

Geminisunmars June 27, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Captain Kangaroo says what?

PubOption June 27, 2012 at 3:58 pm

G'day you ponced-up bastard. Nice to see you could get your head out of your arse for long enough to pose for a photo.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

In Kindergarten I learned the alphabet and how to count to 100. I use this knowledge daily when reading the addresses of homes I burglarize. Watch out 1234 Mockingbird Lane, I'm coming for you!

SoBeach June 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"The fools!" Barney cackled, "I turned all their kids into my crime robots, and they blame kindergarten! Mwah ha ha. My plan is going super-d-duper!"

Fare la Volpe June 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

You know what place has absolutely no crime? The Moon.

Gingrich 2012!!

WunkRocker June 27, 2012 at 3:59 pm

TRESPASSING, duh.

elgin_pelican June 27, 2012 at 4:51 pm

"We like the MOOOOOON…."

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

You know what caused the crime rate in this country to go up? Business cards. Hear me out, back in the old days you'd go to the printer and your buisness card was white. If had your office phone #, company you worked for, and your name. On the back there was a blank space so you could write your home #/ favorite bar# / or instructions on how to bang your secretary. Now there are Fax, e-mails, my-facebook-yahoo-space-tube-inter-filipino-rentboy-.org/web./.com. accounts all over that shit. They have raised ink, or have glossy photographs that fold like Mad Magazine back covers. EVERYTHING IS SHIT AND THE CRIME RATE HAS NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!!!!!!!

You think I lie? Think about it tonight and you'll wake up with a nightmarish epiphany bathed in cold sweats.

Oblios_Cap June 27, 2012 at 3:30 pm

It seems that Mr. Kingsbury has been a long-time proponent of the Texas GOP's education platform.

rickmaci June 27, 2012 at 3:32 pm

We live in a time of scarcity and depleting resources.

The one thing we have across the nation in a seemingly unending abundance is batshitcrazy. If only we could figure out how to use it to run our cars.

coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 3:32 pm

…In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport…

How tone deaf and utterly clueless is this fossil to today's schools. They won't even keep score in soccer so as to shield the youth from the whole there must be a winner and a loser motif, and this knuckle-dragger is waxing nostalgic about the return to the days of Gentleman Jim Corbett.

starfanglednut June 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Well the gays can't have kids, and kids go to kindergarden which increases crime. So gays bring down the crime rate. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Listen up moms! Breast feed until your brats hit puberty or you will be a bad mom and your kids will turn out to be horrible criminals and rapists and murders who do nothing but rape and murder!

coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I was breast-fed until I was twelve and I think my mom turned out a pretty good product…I mean I've only killed a couple of Republicans.

SayItWithWookies June 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm

She must've turned out a good product for you to keep drinking it for twelve years.

coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

It was chocolatey good. She's a blah.

elburritodeluxe June 27, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I've noticed that fat people always wear larger clothes than skinny people. Thus, ipso facto, big clothes make you fat. Case closed. Research!

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:51 pm

SCIENCE! as Loyd Lindsay Young used to shout. I loved that man. He was on right before Uncle Floyd. I wasn't always paranoid, but now I got this shopping cart.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 4:00 pm

We had LLY in the Bay Area until late last year. He's a fucking lunatic. I love him.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 4:35 pm

HELLOOOOOOOOOO!

Naked_Bunny June 27, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Your logic is irrefutable.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:54 am

Homeless man on the corner libel!

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport.

I say we just teach those damn kindergarteners to box with one hand and shoot each other with the other. They'll be so busy in the emergency room with gunshot wounds they won't have time to commit crime.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:57 pm

This all sounds like stuff grandpa Simpson has said.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Well, I did put an onion on my belt today so maybe the fumes are getting to me.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I can't wait for the New York Times article on this:

Little Johnny is just 5, but heads the largest crime family in New Hampshire. Working out of a small, non-descript class room, Johnny sends his minions out into the world, where they control gambling, loan sharking, trucking and Graham cracker and milk distribution throughout the greater Concord region.

"Living is Good" says Johnny, "we have a well oiled machine, and since we were able to make a peace over apple juice distribution with Ms. Hathaway's kindergarten class a few months ago, my earners have been pulling in the big money. Recession? What recession?"

Still, times can be hard. In a turf war with a gang of Mexican infants, Johnny lost three of his most valuable capos, and personally sports a scar from where he was hit in the head with a juice box. "It's hard to see someone shot down in the prime of their lives, having not even reached six years old. But they knew the risk when they joined our kindergarten."

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Welfare causes poverty! Cutting taxes increases government revenues! Trees cause pollution! War for Peace! There is a pattern here, I can't quite put my finger on it, let me ponder awhile.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I got it! Its all horseshit! Flagrant, steaming horseshit!

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I don't feel so good about someone looking like *that* thinking so much about children in kindergarten.

coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 3:57 pm

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators"?

prommie June 27, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:22 am

Over, Unger!

Come here a minute June 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I don't see what the whiny unemployed firefighters are complaining about — they're only paid in fiat money anyway.

Fox n Fiends June 27, 2012 at 4:07 pm

To be fair, Laconia is the Ciudad Juarez of New England.

docterry6973 June 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I went to kindergarten and I own no guns and I never learned boxing in school and I have committed very few serious felonies, so there!

Naked_Bunny June 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Less crime leads to more shooting and boxing. How is that good?

bikerlaureate June 27, 2012 at 6:31 pm

The exception that proves the rule.

Commie.

Naked_Bunny June 27, 2012 at 4:18 pm

The rise in crime and Kingsbury's increasing age are obviously linked. His death will cause crime to rise to infinity or drop to zero.

Nopantsmcgee June 27, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It is nice to see Captain Kangaroo is alive again.

mavenmaven June 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm

And of course, if we go back to the days before antibiotics, we had much less crime because infant mortality was above 50% and everyone was dying of pneumonia and tonsillitis, which totally cuts back on crime AND social security payouts.

EBGrey June 27, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Now, if we ban the consumption of ice cream, we will also eliminate drowning!!!

TribecaMike June 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Kingsbury is bitter that he hasn't yet been awarded a Nobel Prize for his 1994 study that proved that how much corn you eat is a major indicator of how much corn you shit.

Troglodeity June 27, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I don't know about his educational theories, but I love his Idi Amin costume.

fuflans June 27, 2012 at 8:28 pm

well, to be fair to bob, why SHOULD texas and LA get all the crazy?

BZ1 June 27, 2012 at 9:16 pm

The best part is the newspaper then running a poll: "Does kindergarten lead to more crime?" and prefacing it by saying "this is not a scientific poll"? Duh?

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 12:34 am

This is a dangeorusly high level of Teh Stupid. It's amazing he can dress himself.

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:23 am

I'm guessing there's a garter belt under them britches; panties fer sure.

krazyvladimir June 28, 2012 at 1:36 pm

There was a noticeable crime increase after touch-tone phones were invented, and no one can prove me wrong on that!

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