hey dad I'm in jail

New Hampshire Lawmaker: Everything You Need To Know About Crime, You Learn In Kindergarten

he looks smart!As if schools weren’t already trying to indoctrinate people’s children with “critical thinking” skills and other grave threats to the Common Good, one brave New Hampshire lawmaker is risking the laughter of his state’s godless heathens by pointing to a previously unrealized societal ill: kindergarten creates crime.

Representative Bob Kingsbury said he’s been working on a theory since 1996, when he analyzed local crime rates and compared them to a list of communities that offered public kindergarten. Then, he told his colleagues, Laconia offered kindergarten and had the highest rates of crime. Meanwhile, surrounding towns, some of which didn’t offer kindergarten, had less crime.

He rests his case!

Of course, the only reason Kingsbury had to bring up this common sense approach to keeping jails nice and full by eradicating education is because some total pussy bleeding-heart was going off first, about waaaah, we arrest too many people, waaaah, maybe cops shouldn’t be arresting people all the time.

As if! But Kingsbury was having none of that.

“We’re taking children away from their mothers too soon,” Kingsbury concluded.

You guys, nobody tell him about mothers who work, okay? We don’t want to break the spirit of this tender-hearted man.

Kingsbury wrote to all of his then state representatives, informing them of his research. To his dismay, the state Legislature has since joined the remaining 49 states in mandating public kindergarten. “And we have more crime today,” he said.

In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport.

Everyone take heed! Less education, more guns, and more fighting, and our jails will be properly filled forever.

[LaconiaDailySun, via ExeterPatch from intrepid tipster “Rudy”]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  1. Barb

    Yes, and if you home school your children they will grow up perfect. Well perfect except for the fact that they will be social misfits who will probably grow up to commit crimes.

      1. Barb

        Hey Star! Mina made it through surgery today and she is resting comfortably. Thanks for caring!

    1. Ruhe

      Once while visiting my wife's family in Alphareta, GA, we got to attend a Halloween parade running through one of the nearby towns. Most of the local High Schools had their marching bands in the parade so it was a pretty good show, six or seven big bands as I recall. The last band to pass us was however utterly sad, scrubby looking, out of tune and out of sync in their marching. They were of course a marching band made up entirely of home-schooled kids and their performance was, indeed, a crime.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        And I'm sure the parents told their precious homeschooled snowflakes that they were the best part of the parade.

  2. tihond

    Actually, crime has been going down since the 90s, but thanks for playing Mr. Kingsbury… Shorter: Herf Derf Midnight Basketball.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Talk to all the men on death row, and you'll find that just about every damned one of 'em went to kindergarten. Kingsbury knows that there's just no way that can be a coincidence.

    1. Dr_JD

      Also: POST HOC,ERGO PROPTER HOC fallacy. AFTER the horrors of public Kindergarten, the kid is therefore slated for a life of crime.

    1. fartknocker

      We also learned about naps. Warm, wonderful, peaceful naps. So it wasn't that bad of an education.

    2. sullivanst

      No, that's not all you learn. Because you also learn how to make the syllogism: "Hitler=Bad, Obama=Hitler, therefore Obama=Bad". You will never learn that it's called a syllogism, however.

    3. Negropolis

      You are being far too kind to them on the Hitler equation. They don't think Hitler is bad, just that he did it wrong.

  3. widestanceromance

    And do you know that every criminal since the dawn of crime originally came from. . .a VAGINA (pardon my French).

  4. Serolf_Divad

    I was taught that correlation always equals causation…no matter how blindingly obviously false.

  5. SorosBot

    “And we have more crime today,”

    I wonder what New Hampshire is doing wrong then, since it apparently has an increasing crime rate unlike the entire rest of the country where crime has been steadily decreasing for the past twenty years.

  6. SorosBot

    "You guys, nobody tell him about mothers who work, okay?"

    They are violating their Jesus-ordained duty to stay pregnant in the kitchen and make their husband/owner a sandwich.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Learnin' all those nursery rhymes & having naptime when I was in kindergarten directly led to my shoplifting and sexing up on other boys as a teen.

    1. gurukalehuru

      Now, see, on the first reading I took outlaw to be an adjective and not a verb and had this vision of outlaw towns, of more than 200 people, where people could go and just do whatever the fuck they wanted, smoke ganja, kill people, stuff like that.
      Your idea is good, too, though.

  7. Chichikovovich

    OT, but I recommend this article from Left-wing anti-capitalist Fortune magazine, on Fast and Furious. Like Whitewater before it, it is a completely invented, non-scandal that the right wing has ginned up to hobble the administration and support fishing expeditions and Fox News specials. We knew this already, of course, but this article is impressive in the depth to which they trace out the genesis of this particular right-wing fraud.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      The best parallel to Fast and Furious is probably Iran-Contra. Without the President and Vice President being involved, of course.

      I will read that piece with considerable interest.

      1. sullivanst

        Except that Iran-Contra was actually a thing.

        According to Fortune, there's absolutely no "there" there with F&F whatsofuckingever – the only reason the ATF "allowed" guns to walk was because prosecutors instructed them they did not have anything close to sufficient evidence to seize them, because the NRA has made the law entirely ineffective:

        It was nearly impossible in Arizona to bring a case against a straw purchaser. The federal prosecutors there did not consider the purchase of a huge volume of guns, or their handoff to a third party, sufficient evidence to seize them. A buyer who certified that the guns were for himself, then handed them off minutes later, hadn't necessarily lied and was free to change his mind. Even if a suspect bought 10 guns that were recovered days later at a Mexican crime scene, this didn't mean the initial purchase had been illegal. To these prosecutors, the pattern proved little. Instead, agents needed to link specific evidence of intent to commit a crime to each gun they wanted to seize.

    2. sullivanst

      So even the parts that the DOJ has mea-culpa'd over, are fabrications of the vast right-wing conspiracy machine.

      Shorter Fortune: there wasn't even any gun-walking, the entire thing is made up.

  8. iburl

    I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm in the country with the highest percentage of prisoners in the world. Freedom's just another word for "we need harsher and harsher sentences for more and more things, like denying the trinity."

  9. Callyson

    kindergarten creates crime

    Well, of course it does. That "share and share alike" commie crap turns kids into wealth destroyers. Stop this crime against the 1% right now!


  10. badseeds

    If these little fucks were allowed to carry in kindergarten we wouldn't be having these problems.

    1. widestanceromance

      "I'll take nap time when I'm done emptying out this chamber, teacher bitch."

  11. Local_Mojo

    Onions, as fashion accessories, were more common in times past. It is the increased use of alien garlic that has led to increasing crime, homosexual rights, and the horrific rise in "social media."

  12. barto

    Of course most of his research was performed at the computer in his room in his parents' home basement.

  13. UnholyMoses

    Representative Bob Kingsbury said he’s been working on a theory since 1996 …

    … that's just like those conjured up in 1776.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    He might be a little stupid for a NH lawmaker, but he looks dashing in his doorman uniform!

  15. Estproph

    "Crime is on the increase. So is…"

    I'm trying to think of something so completely ludicrous as a correlating factor, but he's already beat me to it, damn him! I can't think of something to make fun of the idea that kindergarten causes crime, because that is so stupid that it just doesn't get any sillier than that!

  16. ChernobylSoup

    Is he talking about crimes like stealing cars or crimes like betting the economy on make believe financial products and destroying everyone's net worth? Because I could totally get behind a kindergarten ban if it's the 2nd one.

  17. edgydrifter

    The asshats getting DUIs and brawling on the main drag during LACONIA BIKE WEEK probably went to kindergarten, too. Kindergarten is obviously the problem.

  18. sullivanst

    So, New Hampshire only finally enacted mandatory public kindergarten in 2009.

    Does Kingsbury really want us to believe that (A) the period from then to the most recent available crime statistics is long enough to detect a trend, that (B) there aren't other serious confounding factors such as a shitty economy, and that (C) if there has been an uptick in crime (dubious), it can be attributed primarily to the 5-8 year-olds that have been affected in any way by the change in law?

    Some crackers are crazy motherfuckin' cracker ass crackers.

  19. gullywompr

    Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. I could have saved myself 10 years in juvie if I had waited until first grade to learn that.

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    "“We’re taking children away from their mothers too soon,” Kingsbury concluded."

    Ugh. He would have to remind me of that creepy Time magazine cover from a few weeks back with the breastfeeding three or four year old. <shudder>

  21. Schmannnity

    If more kids could stay in a loving home like the Sandusky's, everything would be better.

  22. MissTaken

    Criminals drank milk when children, therefore giving your child milk will make that kid grow up to commit crime!

    1. Baconzgood

      OMG? My 7 and 8 year old were breast fed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should I put them in the pokie now?

      1. MissTaken

        Oh dear God, are you letting them interact in normal society???!! You horrible, horrible person!!!!!

  23. SayItWithWookies

    As others have mentioned, this assertion is preposterous since crime in the US has been going down. Kindergarten, in fact, causes global warming.

      1. chicken_thief

        The same people that have been telling us that climate change is real are the same ones telling us that Santa Claus isn't real. And we *know* that global warming is some made up shit the libruls use to ruin the profits for jerb creators. Therefore, Santa does exist!

        Next year, I better get that fucking pony I been waiting on since I was 12.

  24. Goonemeritus

    Decline in gun ownership are you fucking kidding me. We as Americans have more guns than we have almost anything else. There are probably 10 guns for every American alive and dead. Why I hazard a guess that if you frisked the average Sunday church crowed you would turn- up at least one crew fed machine gun.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but the question is, just how well are we arming our kindergartners? Are they in a position to return fire if they need to?

    2. ttommyunger

      I live in Georgia. They check you for guns upon entering the Sanctuary. If you don't have one, they issue you one.

  25. Fare la Volpe

    My sociology professors always cited the fact that an increase in ice cream consumption always correlates with an increase in crime as evidence that correlation does not equal causation.

    Who knew they were totally onto something!

    1. scvirginia

      "Did you know, Putnam, more people are murdered at ninety two degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once – lower temperatures people are easy-going, over ninety two it's too hot to move, but just ninety two, people get irritable!"

    1. PubOption

      G'day you ponced-up bastard. Nice to see you could get your head out of your arse for long enough to pose for a photo.

  26. MissTaken

    In Kindergarten I learned the alphabet and how to count to 100. I use this knowledge daily when reading the addresses of homes I burglarize. Watch out 1234 Mockingbird Lane, I'm coming for you!

  27. SoBeach

    "The fools!" Barney cackled, "I turned all their kids into my crime robots, and they blame kindergarten! Mwah ha ha. My plan is going super-d-duper!"

  28. Baconzgood

    You know what caused the crime rate in this country to go up? Business cards. Hear me out, back in the old days you'd go to the printer and your buisness card was white. If had your office phone #, company you worked for, and your name. On the back there was a blank space so you could write your home #/ favorite bar# / or instructions on how to bang your secretary. Now there are Fax, e-mails, my-facebook-yahoo-space-tube-inter-filipino-rentboy-.org/web./.com. accounts all over that shit. They have raised ink, or have glossy photographs that fold like Mad Magazine back covers. EVERYTHING IS SHIT AND THE CRIME RATE HAS NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!!!!!!!

    You think I lie? Think about it tonight and you'll wake up with a nightmarish epiphany bathed in cold sweats.

  29. Oblios_Cap

    It seems that Mr. Kingsbury has been a long-time proponent of the Texas GOP's education platform.

  30. rickmaci

    We live in a time of scarcity and depleting resources.

    The one thing we have across the nation in a seemingly unending abundance is batshitcrazy. If only we could figure out how to use it to run our cars.

  31. coolhandnuke

    …In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport…

    How tone deaf and utterly clueless is this fossil to today's schools. They won't even keep score in soccer so as to shield the youth from the whole there must be a winner and a loser motif, and this knuckle-dragger is waxing nostalgic about the return to the days of Gentleman Jim Corbett.

  32. starfanglednut

    Well the gays can't have kids, and kids go to kindergarden which increases crime. So gays bring down the crime rate. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

  33. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Listen up moms! Breast feed until your brats hit puberty or you will be a bad mom and your kids will turn out to be horrible criminals and rapists and murders who do nothing but rape and murder!

    1. coolhandnuke

      I was breast-fed until I was twelve and I think my mom turned out a pretty good product…I mean I've only killed a couple of Republicans.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        She must've turned out a good product for you to keep drinking it for twelve years.

  34. elburritodeluxe

    I've noticed that fat people always wear larger clothes than skinny people. Thus, ipso facto, big clothes make you fat. Case closed. Research!

    1. prommie

      SCIENCE! as Loyd Lindsay Young used to shout. I loved that man. He was on right before Uncle Floyd. I wasn't always paranoid, but now I got this shopping cart.

      1. MissTaken

        We had LLY in the Bay Area until late last year. He's a fucking lunatic. I love him.

  35. MissTaken

    In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport.

    I say we just teach those damn kindergarteners to box with one hand and shoot each other with the other. They'll be so busy in the emergency room with gunshot wounds they won't have time to commit crime.

  36. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I can't wait for the New York Times article on this:

    Little Johnny is just 5, but heads the largest crime family in New Hampshire. Working out of a small, non-descript class room, Johnny sends his minions out into the world, where they control gambling, loan sharking, trucking and Graham cracker and milk distribution throughout the greater Concord region.

    "Living is Good" says Johnny, "we have a well oiled machine, and since we were able to make a peace over apple juice distribution with Ms. Hathaway's kindergarten class a few months ago, my earners have been pulling in the big money. Recession? What recession?"

    Still, times can be hard. In a turf war with a gang of Mexican infants, Johnny lost three of his most valuable capos, and personally sports a scar from where he was hit in the head with a juice box. "It's hard to see someone shot down in the prime of their lives, having not even reached six years old. But they knew the risk when they joined our kindergarten."

  37. prommie

    Welfare causes poverty! Cutting taxes increases government revenues! Trees cause pollution! War for Peace! There is a pattern here, I can't quite put my finger on it, let me ponder awhile.

  38. MissTaken

    I don't feel so good about someone looking like *that* thinking so much about children in kindergarten.

  39. Come here a minute

    I don't see what the whiny unemployed firefighters are complaining about — they're only paid in fiat money anyway.

  40. docterry6973

    I went to kindergarten and I own no guns and I never learned boxing in school and I have committed very few serious felonies, so there!

  41. Naked_Bunny

    The rise in crime and Kingsbury's increasing age are obviously linked. His death will cause crime to rise to infinity or drop to zero.

  42. mavenmaven

    And of course, if we go back to the days before antibiotics, we had much less crime because infant mortality was above 50% and everyone was dying of pneumonia and tonsillitis, which totally cuts back on crime AND social security payouts.

  43. TribecaMike

    Kingsbury is bitter that he hasn't yet been awarded a Nobel Prize for his 1994 study that proved that how much corn you eat is a major indicator of how much corn you shit.

  44. BZ1

    The best part is the newspaper then running a poll: "Does kindergarten lead to more crime?" and prefacing it by saying "this is not a scientific poll"? Duh?

  45. krazyvladimir

    There was a noticeable crime increase after touch-tone phones were invented, and no one can prove me wrong on that!

Comments are closed.