hey dad I'm in jail

New Hampshire Lawmaker: Everything You Need To Know About Crime, You Learn In Kindergarten

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he looks smart!As if schools weren’t already trying to indoctrinate people’s children with “critical thinking” skills and other grave threats to the Common Good, one brave New Hampshire lawmaker is risking the laughter of his state’s godless heathens by pointing to a previously unrealized societal ill: kindergarten creates crime.

Representative Bob Kingsbury said he’s been working on a theory since 1996, when he analyzed local crime rates and compared them to a list of communities that offered public kindergarten. Then, he told his colleagues, Laconia offered kindergarten and had the highest rates of crime. Meanwhile, surrounding towns, some of which didn’t offer kindergarten, had less crime.

He rests his case!

Of course, the only reason Kingsbury had to bring up this common sense approach to keeping jails nice and full by eradicating education is because some total pussy bleeding-heart was going off first, about waaaah, we arrest too many people, waaaah, maybe cops shouldn’t be arresting people all the time.

As if! But Kingsbury was having none of that.

“We’re taking children away from their mothers too soon,” Kingsbury concluded.

You guys, nobody tell him about mothers who work, okay? We don’t want to break the spirit of this tender-hearted man.

Kingsbury wrote to all of his then state representatives, informing them of his research. To his dismay, the state Legislature has since joined the remaining 49 states in mandating public kindergarten. “And we have more crime today,” he said.

Sponsored Intermission

In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport.

Everyone take heed! Less education, more guns, and more fighting, and our jails will be properly filled forever.

[LaconiaDailySun, via ExeterPatch from intrepid tipster “Rudy”]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Yes, and if you home school your children they will grow up perfect. Well perfect except for the fact that they will be social misfits who will probably grow up to commit crimes.

    • WunkRocker

      You and your snarky wonkers are ROOININGZ MERIKA http://lifehacker.com/5921655/the-snarky-voice-in

      • MissTaken

        Ummmm……just saying?

        • Barb

          Oh MissTaken, meet me for drinks on the veranda, please.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Fuck that fucking fucker.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Hi Barb! I haven't been around much the past few days. How is everything? I hope all is well, and that your grandchild is doing ok.

      • Barb

        Hey Star! Mina made it through surgery today and she is resting comfortably. Thanks for caring!

        • http://wonkette.com BelleSC

          That's great news! So relieved for you and for her.

          • Barb

            Thanks Belle. I am so tired that I am trembling.

        • HistoriCat

          That's excellent news. Here's hoping she just keeps improving.

          • Barb

            Thanks Histori. I can't wait to see pictures of Mina.

    • Ruhe

      Once while visiting my wife's family in Alphareta, GA, we got to attend a Halloween parade running through one of the nearby towns. Most of the local High Schools had their marching bands in the parade so it was a pretty good show, six or seven big bands as I recall. The last band to pass us was however utterly sad, scrubby looking, out of tune and out of sync in their marching. They were of course a marching band made up entirely of home-schooled kids and their performance was, indeed, a crime.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        And I'm sure the parents told their precious homeschooled snowflakes that they were the best part of the parade.

  • tihond

    Actually, crime has been going down since the 90s, but thanks for playing Mr. Kingsbury… Shorter: Herf Derf Midnight Basketball.

  • LastGasp

    Correlation does not equal causation. I learned that in school.

    • Fairtackle

      I believe that is what is referred to in some circles as "liberal indoctrination".

    • CivicHoliday

      don't sully these pages with your critical thinking skillz!

    • Tundra Grifter


      There's the third "C" – coincidence.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Talk to all the men on death row, and you'll find that just about every damned one of 'em went to kindergarten. Kingsbury knows that there's just no way that can be a coincidence.

    • MosesInvests

      Post hoc ergo propter hoc. That's Latin, so it must be true!

    • http://www.dailymosteller.blogspot.com Dr_JD

      Also: POST HOC,ERGO PROPTER HOC fallacy. AFTER the horrors of public Kindergarten, the kid is therefore slated for a life of crime.

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    If you are a kindergartener in Texas, all you learn is "Jesus=Good, Hitler=Bad."

    • fartknocker

      We also learned about naps. Warm, wonderful, peaceful naps. So it wasn't that bad of an education.

    • sullivanst

      No, that's not all you learn. Because you also learn how to make the syllogism: "Hitler=Bad, Obama=Hitler, therefore Obama=Bad". You will never learn that it's called a syllogism, however.

    • sharethegrief

      "Jesus=Good, Hitler=Obama.

    • UnholyMoses

      Dear Texas,

      Catch up, slackers.


      Louisiana private schools

    • Negropolis

      You are being far too kind to them on the Hitler equation. They don't think Hitler is bad, just that he did it wrong.

  • widestanceromance

    And do you know that every criminal since the dawn of crime originally came from. . .a VAGINA (pardon my French).

    • IncenseDebate

      It took balls to say that.

    • RedneckMuslin

      And homos! Homos come from vaginas!

  • Serolf_Divad

    I was taught that correlation always equals causation…no matter how blindingly obviously false.

  • SorosBot

    “And we have more crime today,”

    I wonder what New Hampshire is doing wrong then, since it apparently has an increasing crime rate unlike the entire rest of the country where crime has been steadily decreasing for the past twenty years.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      They are living free, man. They are living free, or die trying.

    • scvirginia

      Thought crimez.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Duh, kindergartens, dood.

  • edgydrifter

    Holy fuck. Would somebody please send this guy an onion for his belt?

    • scvirginia

      Like Antonin Scallion.

    • prommie

      I know, right? Next he's gonna blame the dimmycrats.

    • CthuNHu

      Dude's a Bircher. And a Birther. And a Derper.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        A Bir-bir-burp-derper?

  • SorosBot

    "You guys, nobody tell him about mothers who work, okay?"

    They are violating their Jesus-ordained duty to stay pregnant in the kitchen and make their husband/owner a sandwich.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Good thing YOU know all about the proper place of wimminz, huh?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Ah kids. One day they're eating graham crackers and playing on the swings, and the next they're doing 5 to 10 for armed robbery.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Ah, good times. Good times.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Learnin' all those nursery rhymes & having naptime when I was in kindergarten directly led to my shoplifting and sexing up on other boys as a teen.

  • UnholyMoses

    Who n the hell dug up Jonathan Winters and put him in a military uniform?

    • Swampgas_Man

      My first impression was Orson Welles in Catch-22.

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      Jay Dub ain't dead. (Yet.)

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Outlaw towns with populations of more than 200 people!

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Now, see, on the first reading I took outlaw to be an adjective and not a verb and had this vision of outlaw towns, of more than 200 people, where people could go and just do whatever the fuck they wanted, smoke ganja, kill people, stuff like that.
      Your idea is good, too, though.

  • Chichikovovich

    OT, but I recommend this article from Left-wing anti-capitalist Fortune magazine, on Fast and Furious. Like Whitewater before it, it is a completely invented, non-scandal that the right wing has ginned up to hobble the administration and support fishing expeditions and Fox News specials. We knew this already, of course, but this article is impressive in the depth to which they trace out the genesis of this particular right-wing fraud.

    • Tundra Grifter

      The best parallel to Fast and Furious is probably Iran-Contra. Without the President and Vice President being involved, of course.

      I will read that piece with considerable interest.

      • sullivanst

        Except that Iran-Contra was actually a thing.

        According to Fortune, there's absolutely no "there" there with F&F whatsofuckingever – the only reason the ATF "allowed" guns to walk was because prosecutors instructed them they did not have anything close to sufficient evidence to seize them, because the NRA has made the law entirely ineffective:

        It was nearly impossible in Arizona to bring a case against a straw purchaser. The federal prosecutors there did not consider the purchase of a huge volume of guns, or their handoff to a third party, sufficient evidence to seize them. A buyer who certified that the guns were for himself, then handed them off minutes later, hadn't necessarily lied and was free to change his mind. Even if a suspect bought 10 guns that were recovered days later at a Mexican crime scene, this didn't mean the initial purchase had been illegal. To these prosecutors, the pattern proved little. Instead, agents needed to link specific evidence of intent to commit a crime to each gun they wanted to seize.

    • sullivanst

      So even the parts that the DOJ has mea-culpa'd over, are fabrications of the vast right-wing conspiracy machine.

      Shorter Fortune: there wasn't even any gun-walking, the entire thing is made up.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans


  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm in the country with the highest percentage of prisoners in the world. Freedom's just another word for "we need harsher and harsher sentences for more and more things, like denying the trinity."

  • IncenseDebate

    It's the socialism/sharing stuff that turns them.

  • Callyson

    kindergarten creates crime

    Well, of course it does. That "share and share alike" commie crap turns kids into wealth destroyers. Stop this crime against the 1% right now!


  • Baconzgood

    Jeeeze. These people are elected? And I gotta work for my money.

  • badseeds

    If these little fucks were allowed to carry in kindergarten we wouldn't be having these problems.

    • widestanceromance

      "I'll take nap time when I'm done emptying out this chamber, teacher bitch."

    • sullivanst

      We might be having aging population problems, though.

  • Local_Mojo

    Onions, as fashion accessories, were more common in times past. It is the increased use of alien garlic that has led to increasing crime, homosexual rights, and the horrific rise in "social media."

  • barto

    Of course most of his research was performed at the computer in his room in his parents' home basement.

  • coolhandnuke

    Needz more Knowledgeable Kindergarten Kops.

  • UnholyMoses

    Representative Bob Kingsbury said he’s been working on a theory since 1996 …

    … that's just like those conjured up in 1776.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He might be a little stupid for a NH lawmaker, but he looks dashing in his doorman uniform!

  • Estproph

    "Crime is on the increase. So is…"

    I'm trying to think of something so completely ludicrous as a correlating factor, but he's already beat me to it, damn him! I can't think of something to make fun of the idea that kindergarten causes crime, because that is so stupid that it just doesn't get any sillier than that!

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      …sushi consumption?

      …the sugar diabeetus?


    • SenileAgitation

      Obesity. Krispy Kremes Kause Krime!

  • Boojum

    Neds moar nap carpet.

    • UnholyMoses

      And wood paneling.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      And "healthy" snacks.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Is he talking about crimes like stealing cars or crimes like betting the economy on make believe financial products and destroying everyone's net worth? Because I could totally get behind a kindergarten ban if it's the 2nd one.

  • edgydrifter

    The asshats getting DUIs and brawling on the main drag during LACONIA BIKE WEEK probably went to kindergarten, too. Kindergarten is obviously the problem.

  • sullivanst

    So, New Hampshire only finally enacted mandatory public kindergarten in 2009.

    Does Kingsbury really want us to believe that (A) the period from then to the most recent available crime statistics is long enough to detect a trend, that (B) there aren't other serious confounding factors such as a shitty economy, and that (C) if there has been an uptick in crime (dubious), it can be attributed primarily to the 5-8 year-olds that have been affected in any way by the change in law?

    Some crackers are crazy motherfuckin' cracker ass crackers.

    • MissTaken

      Have you ever been around an 8 yo? They are the worst kinds of people imaginable.

    • prommie

      Cracker ass motherfucking crazy-ass crackers, indeed.

  • gullywompr

    Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. I could have saved myself 10 years in juvie if I had waited until first grade to learn that.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Enjoying your mandatory life sentence?

  • fartknocker

    What a fucking moron.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "“We’re taking children away from their mothers too soon,” Kingsbury concluded."

    Ugh. He would have to remind me of that creepy Time magazine cover from a few weeks back with the breastfeeding three or four year old. <shudder>

  • chascates

    Captain Kangeroo still looks pretty spiffy!

    • Geminisunmars

      Oh, you beat me. And I looked too.

  • Schmannnity

    If more kids could stay in a loving home like the Sandusky's, everything would be better.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    But how does this affect Rielle Hunter?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, her child is pre-K and getting a hell of an education.

  • UnholyMoses

    You know who else went to kindergarten … ?

    • MissTaken

      Arnold Schwarzenegger?

      • SorosBot

        It's not a tum-ah!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Kindergarten…, sounds sort of German, doesn't it?

      • OneDollarJuana

        That's why we called it "kindygarden".

    • Baconzgood

      Thomas Hamilton?

      (too soon?)

    • chicken_thief

      Trayvon Martin? Where he learned to eat Skittles and wear hoodies?

      • UnholyMoses

        Zimmerman went to the one where the kids pack heat, apparently …

    • Veritas78

      Jerry Sandusky?

      But only if they shower after recess.

  • MissTaken

    Criminals drank milk when children, therefore giving your child milk will make that kid grow up to commit crime!

    • Baconzgood

      OMG? My 7 and 8 year old were breast fed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should I put them in the pokie now?

      • MissTaken

        Oh dear God, are you letting them interact in normal society???!! You horrible, horrible person!!!!!

    • WunkRocker

      Also wearing shoes. Shitting indoors. Exhaling…

    • IncenseDebate

      It's the mad cows obvs.

  • SayItWithWookies

    As others have mentioned, this assertion is preposterous since crime in the US has been going down. Kindergarten, in fact, causes global warming.

    • Geminisunmars

      Hot napping breath is the culprit.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      But global warming is a hoax! Therefore, children do not exist.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I thought it was the decline in the number of pirates that caused global warming.

      • chicken_thief

        The same people that have been telling us that climate change is real are the same ones telling us that Santa Claus isn't real. And we *know* that global warming is some made up shit the libruls use to ruin the profits for jerb creators. Therefore, Santa does exist!

        Next year, I better get that fucking pony I been waiting on since I was 12.

        • HogeyeGrex

          *scoop* *scoop* *scoop*

          There must be a pony in here somewhere!

  • Goonemeritus

    Decline in gun ownership are you fucking kidding me. We as Americans have more guns than we have almost anything else. There are probably 10 guns for every American alive and dead. Why I hazard a guess that if you frisked the average Sunday church crowed you would turn- up at least one crew fed machine gun.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but the question is, just how well are we arming our kindergartners? Are they in a position to return fire if they need to?

    • Estproph

      I myself have 11.

    • ttommyunger

      I live in Georgia. They check you for guns upon entering the Sanctuary. If you don't have one, they issue you one.

  • Fare la Volpe

    My sociology professors always cited the fact that an increase in ice cream consumption always correlates with an increase in crime as evidence that correlation does not equal causation.

    Who knew they were totally onto something!

    • MissTaken

      Ben and Jerry's are definitely to blame for the criminal increase of my ass size.

      • SorosBot

        But it's a nice curvy ass size.

        • MissTaken

          stop it! :)

          • Negropolis

            SStop it, the both of ya! You're giving Wonkette The Sugar.

    • scvirginia

      "Did you know, Putnam, more people are murdered at ninety two degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once – lower temperatures people are easy-going, over ninety two it's too hot to move, but just ninety two, people get irritable!"

  • Geminisunmars

    Captain Kangaroo says what?

    • PubOption

      G'day you ponced-up bastard. Nice to see you could get your head out of your arse for long enough to pose for a photo.

  • MissTaken

    In Kindergarten I learned the alphabet and how to count to 100. I use this knowledge daily when reading the addresses of homes I burglarize. Watch out 1234 Mockingbird Lane, I'm coming for you!

  • SoBeach

    "The fools!" Barney cackled, "I turned all their kids into my crime robots, and they blame kindergarten! Mwah ha ha. My plan is going super-d-duper!"

  • Fare la Volpe

    You know what place has absolutely no crime? The Moon.

    Gingrich 2012!!

    • WunkRocker

      TRESPASSING, duh.

    • elgin_pelican

      "We like the MOOOOOON…."

  • Baconzgood

    You know what caused the crime rate in this country to go up? Business cards. Hear me out, back in the old days you'd go to the printer and your buisness card was white. If had your office phone #, company you worked for, and your name. On the back there was a blank space so you could write your home #/ favorite bar# / or instructions on how to bang your secretary. Now there are Fax, e-mails, my-facebook-yahoo-space-tube-inter-filipino-rentboy-.org/web./.com. accounts all over that shit. They have raised ink, or have glossy photographs that fold like Mad Magazine back covers. EVERYTHING IS SHIT AND THE CRIME RATE HAS NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!!!!!!!

    You think I lie? Think about it tonight and you'll wake up with a nightmarish epiphany bathed in cold sweats.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It seems that Mr. Kingsbury has been a long-time proponent of the Texas GOP's education platform.

  • rickmaci

    We live in a time of scarcity and depleting resources.

    The one thing we have across the nation in a seemingly unending abundance is batshitcrazy. If only we could figure out how to use it to run our cars.

  • coolhandnuke

    …In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport…

    How tone deaf and utterly clueless is this fossil to today's schools. They won't even keep score in soccer so as to shield the youth from the whole there must be a winner and a loser motif, and this knuckle-dragger is waxing nostalgic about the return to the days of Gentleman Jim Corbett.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Well the gays can't have kids, and kids go to kindergarden which increases crime. So gays bring down the crime rate. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Listen up moms! Breast feed until your brats hit puberty or you will be a bad mom and your kids will turn out to be horrible criminals and rapists and murders who do nothing but rape and murder!

    • coolhandnuke

      I was breast-fed until I was twelve and I think my mom turned out a pretty good product…I mean I've only killed a couple of Republicans.

      • SayItWithWookies

        She must've turned out a good product for you to keep drinking it for twelve years.

        • coolhandnuke

          It was chocolatey good. She's a blah.

  • elburritodeluxe

    I've noticed that fat people always wear larger clothes than skinny people. Thus, ipso facto, big clothes make you fat. Case closed. Research!

    • prommie

      SCIENCE! as Loyd Lindsay Young used to shout. I loved that man. He was on right before Uncle Floyd. I wasn't always paranoid, but now I got this shopping cart.

      • MissTaken

        We had LLY in the Bay Area until late last year. He's a fucking lunatic. I love him.

        • prommie


    • Naked_Bunny

      Your logic is irrefutable.

    • Negropolis

      Homeless man on the corner libel!

  • MissTaken

    In addition to kindergarten, Kingsbury also linked the rise of crime to the decline of gun ownership and to fact that boxing is no longer taught in school or offered as a sport.

    I say we just teach those damn kindergarteners to box with one hand and shoot each other with the other. They'll be so busy in the emergency room with gunshot wounds they won't have time to commit crime.

    • prommie

      This all sounds like stuff grandpa Simpson has said.

      • MissTaken

        Well, I did put an onion on my belt today so maybe the fumes are getting to me.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I can't wait for the New York Times article on this:

    Little Johnny is just 5, but heads the largest crime family in New Hampshire. Working out of a small, non-descript class room, Johnny sends his minions out into the world, where they control gambling, loan sharking, trucking and Graham cracker and milk distribution throughout the greater Concord region.

    "Living is Good" says Johnny, "we have a well oiled machine, and since we were able to make a peace over apple juice distribution with Ms. Hathaway's kindergarten class a few months ago, my earners have been pulling in the big money. Recession? What recession?"

    Still, times can be hard. In a turf war with a gang of Mexican infants, Johnny lost three of his most valuable capos, and personally sports a scar from where he was hit in the head with a juice box. "It's hard to see someone shot down in the prime of their lives, having not even reached six years old. But they knew the risk when they joined our kindergarten."

  • prommie

    Welfare causes poverty! Cutting taxes increases government revenues! Trees cause pollution! War for Peace! There is a pattern here, I can't quite put my finger on it, let me ponder awhile.

    • prommie

      I got it! Its all horseshit! Flagrant, steaming horseshit!

  • MissTaken

    I don't feel so good about someone looking like *that* thinking so much about children in kindergarten.

  • coolhandnuke

    "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators"?

    • prommie

      Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

    • ttommyunger

      Over, Unger!

  • Come here a minute

    I don't see what the whiny unemployed firefighters are complaining about — they're only paid in fiat money anyway.

  • Fox n Fiends

    To be fair, Laconia is the Ciudad Juarez of New England.

  • docterry6973

    I went to kindergarten and I own no guns and I never learned boxing in school and I have committed very few serious felonies, so there!

    • Naked_Bunny

      Less crime leads to more shooting and boxing. How is that good?

    • bikerlaureate

      The exception that proves the rule.


  • Naked_Bunny

    The rise in crime and Kingsbury's increasing age are obviously linked. His death will cause crime to rise to infinity or drop to zero.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    It is nice to see Captain Kangaroo is alive again.

  • mavenmaven

    And of course, if we go back to the days before antibiotics, we had much less crime because infant mortality was above 50% and everyone was dying of pneumonia and tonsillitis, which totally cuts back on crime AND social security payouts.

  • EBGrey

    Now, if we ban the consumption of ice cream, we will also eliminate drowning!!!

  • TribecaMike

    Kingsbury is bitter that he hasn't yet been awarded a Nobel Prize for his 1994 study that proved that how much corn you eat is a major indicator of how much corn you shit.

  • Troglodeity

    I don't know about his educational theories, but I love his Idi Amin costume.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    well, to be fair to bob, why SHOULD texas and LA get all the crazy?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The best part is the newspaper then running a poll: "Does kindergarten lead to more crime?" and prefacing it by saying "this is not a scientific poll"? Duh?

  • Negropolis

    This is a dangeorusly high level of Teh Stupid. It's amazing he can dress himself.

  • ttommyunger

    I'm guessing there's a garter belt under them britches; panties fer sure.

  • krazyvladimir

    There was a noticeable crime increase after touch-tone phones were invented, and no one can prove me wrong on that!