they're after your lucky charms!

Hero Minnesotans Protest General Mills For Hating Straight Marriage, Call For Death To Gays

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Evil LeprechaunThese nice protesters went to Betty Crocker Drive in Golden Valley, Minnesota, to throw all their Wheaties and Cheerios and Bisquick and Gogurt and Hamburger Helper and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and Gold Medal flour and La Saltena spaghetti right in the face of stupid old General Mills, by collecting all General Mills’ products from their own kitchens and donating them to a food bank. Why the unexpected outbreak of Christian charity? Because General Mills stomped its giant foot down and interfered against the heroic fight to save heterosexual marriage from icky gays who should be put to death, when the company said, “hey, we think it’s important that Minnesota be inclusive and welcoming.” Judging by that statement, General Mills probably doesn’t even think that we should put homosexuals to death! We bet we know one group that no longer thinks corporations are people!

Disgusting counter-protesters across the street included some stupid straight couple that claimed their 43-year marriage had not at all been attacked by gays and who should probably read their Bible. That’s where, the group Minnesota for Marriage helpfully explains on its Facebook page, it says gays should be put to death and their blood will be on their own heads. Everybody, let’s hear it for Minnesota Nice! Also, some dude from corporate came out and offered the protesters coffee, but they stood their ground and said they would just donate that to the food bank too, and also fuck you.

[TruthWinsOut/GoodAsYou]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Cereal killers!

    • Estproph

      Ya had to go there…

      • Barb

        Yes, I did!

  • SexySmurf

    I thought Kellogg's made Fruit Loops?

    • JustPixelz

      Technically they are "Froot Loops" because of having no actual fruit. Kinda the opposite of the GO-Pee party which has actual fruit in it. (Note to GO-Pee'ers: I'm using slang "fruit" to mean non-heterosexuals.)

      • BerkeleyBear

        Well, we know there's no actual fruit in the sense of food at a GOP event (unless you count the one strawberry that gets ritually sacrificed over each container of high fructose corn jam).

  • prommie

    Who the fuck fell for that pitch, seriously, who the fuck actually said "great idea, I will invest my money in a movie about evil leprechauns?" I want to meet that person, if they have any money left.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid
      • prommie

        That leprechaun movie became a "franchise?" There were FIVE fucking sequels? God damn, fuck me running, this amazes me. This is absolute proof that the percentages you see out there for the number of people in the US who smoke weed daily are way the fuck off. There is no other explanation, fucking weed, man. How the fuck come I can't ever find any, when there are so many people getting baked that they supported SIX FUCKING LEPRECHAUN MOVIES!

        • BaldarTCrabass

          Not so much stoners, just big fans of Lucky Charms.

          • prommie

            Ahem, please, read what you just wrote there. "Stoners" and "big fans of Lucky Charms" are I believe what is called "equivalent sets."

          • BaldarTCrabass

            Well hell. I'm a stoner and I hate Lucky Charms and have never seen a Leprechaun movie. Guess I'm an outlier, but that's nothing new…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            What that Crabass dood said. Dood.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Draws deeply on the vape) Wut?

  • Estproph

    Welcome to another edition of that laugh-a-minute reality show, "Fun With Hillbillies!"

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    There's more to life than hating the gays, ya know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day….Well. I just don't understand it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Frances? Frances, is that YOU? (Gazes adoringly at Gratuitous)

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Meh. You see how much these people eat? The less vocal bigots will just go on hating the food company with every delicious marshmallowy bite.

  • walterhwhite

    I usually go to Trader Joe's for cereals or buy the generic brands, but maybe I'll spring for the outrageously priced General Mills cereals since they somehow managed to do the right thing for once.

    • larrykat

      Unfortunately, they did the right thing but with bovine growth hormones and shitloads of pesticides and early harvesting using RoundUp.

  • MissTaken

    I guess the Hero Minnesotans can no longer split their Oreo and lick out the creamy center, either.
    http://www.suntimes.com/news/roeper/13423175-452/

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      That would actually make an excellent counter-protest. Just standing there, unwinding and slowly eating out Oreos in their faces, with great delectation.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Does General Mills make hot dogs too? Then you could eat wieners while licking Oreos at the same time.

  • Goonemeritus

    I'll believe a Minnesotan will give away a package of Crescent Rolls when Dick Cheney leaves all his money to Greenpeace.

    • Biff

      Because Crescents are Muslin, duh!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        And you know this … HOW? Biffullah bin Syed?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

          No Musliny spell-casting incantations are allowed on this forum!!1!1!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Dam, busted!

          • MosesInvests

            Derka Derka Mohammad Jihad!

        • Biff

          Easy–Crescent moon, Red Crescent Society. You never hear of la Croix-Rouge, do ya?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Croix Rouge, Croix Rouge, where have I heard that before?

  • Trannysurprise

    It's OK for General Mills to be gay now that DADT is gone. These people need to keep up.

  • pinkocommi

    Good to hear the maker of Progresso is progressive.

    • Biff

      Aside from the BSP cancer lining in their cans, yeah.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    It would be real cool if the company changed it's name to Genital Mills.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      You're thinking of Purina.

      • JerkCade

        Not a speck of cereal

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          The poodle chews it …

          • bobbert

            Frank?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You called?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        "All you add is love."

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Nabisco got a bunch of Facebook hate for posting a rainbow cookie on their Oreo Facebook page for pride weekend. I read it somewhere yesterday. Too busy and dumb to find a link. But I Immediatly went and "liked" Oreos, even though I rarely eat them since they are just a delivery system for sugar and crisco onto my ass.

    • BaldarTCrabass

      "a delivery system for sugar and crisco onto my ass."

      Uh, you're eating them wrong. Oh, "onto". Never mind.

      And, here you go: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/how-could-you-boyc

      • CleverSobriquet

        Rainbow Oreos would be totally freakin awesome after couple of hits of General Mills Fiber One Kush

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Hey, they're pretty fuckin' amazing after a single toke of good Cheeziel.

  • edgydrifter

    If the Corn Refiners Association came out in support of gay rights, these people would starve to death.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Quick, get on the phone to the Corn Refiners!

    • Nowisallthereis

      I hear that oxygen supports gay rights. Water too. All we have to do is leak that to Faux Noose.

  • coolhandnuke

    Don't those silly, confused Minnesota heathens know that "Dix are for Chix.'

    • Boojum

      Dix are for hiding under FUPA.

    • doloras

      I thought they were against "chix with dix".

  • Come here a minute

    Well of course the nice protesters didn't want the coffee; they only drink Postum.

    • freakishlywrong

      "Postum" is a seriously deranged and wonderful reference. It's even more obscure than Maypo. Well did, come here…well did.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      Never knew what that was, glad you made me look it up on the wiki:

      Postum was sometimes marketed by an invisible cartoon ghost named Mister Coffee Nerves, who would appear in situations wherein people were shown in uncomfortable life-situations (e.g., irritability, lack of sleep, lack of athletic prowess) due to their use of coffee and its negative effects.

      That sounds hysterical!

      Postum was popular among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was part of Mormon culture for many years because they abstain from coffee.

      Figures.

  • Barb

    Mina is out of surgery and is doing well. She is sedated and Christine got to touch her cheek for the first time today.

    I will be breaking all of the promises I made to God last night in five…four….three….

    YES! YES! YES!

    • Biff

      Great news!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Good to hear, Barb.

    • BaldarTCrabass

      Hooray for modern secular medicine! God gets punked again!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Yay!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      Excellent!

    • scvirginia

      Mazel tov!

    • Callyson

      OMG I am so happy to hear this! My best to everyone…

      • Barb

        Thanks everyone!

    • Chichikovovich

      Spectacular news. I'll be happy for the rest of the day. At least. Even if Portugal beats Spain.

      • Barb

        Go Spain!

    • MosesInvests

      Woo hoo! Love ya, Barb! And love to grandbabby Mina.

      • Barb

        Love you too, Sweetie Moses.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      important good news!

      • Barb

        Thanks Fuflans. Things are looking much brighter now.

    • bobbert

      That is great news. Yay medical science! Two for two on grandbarbies!

      Congratulations and best wishes to mom, dad, and Mina. (And you, of course).

      • Barb

        Bobbert, you are such a great person, thanks.

  • JustPixelz

    Jesus: never married (DaVinci Code not-withstanding), thin, neat. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      *Slim,* dude. Slim.

      • JustPixelz

        TY. If Jesus had lived, he'd probably have started hitting the early bird “last supper” special at the Roamin' Buffet every afternoon. Eventually he'd have needed a Rascal to get around. He'd roll on water to give a sermon then go home to turn wine into the body of Christ.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          He HAD TO DIE!!

    • PubOption

      Then there was the disciple, the one whom Jesus loved.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Wasn't that James the Younger, the youngest and handsomest of all the disciples?

      • Negropolis

        And that jealous bitch Judas turned Jesus in, 'cause if he can't have Jesus, no one will.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    the Hamburger Helper mascot should've tipped them decades ago.
    no glove no love.

  • Biff

    Hetero Minnesotans. Hetero.

  • sharethegrief

    What if a gay couple goes to this food bank? Will there be a purity test?

  • mavenmaven

    That Pillsbury Dough Boy always tripped my gaydar.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      What do you expect?! He has been touched inappropriately on a daily basis!!

  • upthruster

    Not a single item will be donated to a food shelf.. it will all be tossed out, because of course the food shelf will not accept opened products for fear of contamination, duh. Even if these protesters purchased GM products to symbolically dump them on camera, GM still wins their money (Ha!) and thus the protesters themselves have helped GM to support the LGBT community.

  • Baconzgood

    Fag fabulous, food!
    Hot sausage in anus!
    While we're in the mood —
    Straights-gays will reck us!
    Pease pudding and saveloys!
    What next is the question?
    Rich gentlemen have it, boys —
    In-di-gestion!

    (etc etc)

  • TootsStansbury

    So much hilarity today on our Wonkette! Remember when it was thought to be a good idea to shine a light on the crazy? Send it scurrying for cover in shame? I think the crazy LIKES the spotlight! Run! We've created a monster!

  • Steverino247

    WHITE FLOUR! WHITE FLOUR! WHITE FLOUR!

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Oh my lord that's funny.

      • Steverino247

        If you think that's funny, you should see the T-shirt Hell site selling a t-shirt with the Pillsbury doughboy dressed as Hitler with WHITE FLOUR! as the caption. I'd post a link but the site is blocked where I am right now.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That nice spokesperson with the coffee should've asked the protesters which ones were virgins when they were married and have never been divorced, and told the rest of them to go home because they've already ruined traditional marriage for everybody.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      That would have been quite Christ-like.

      • BaldarTCrabass

        Except for instead of being humiliated for their hypocrisy, they would have crucified the spokeperson.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

      Untrue! Because I think it's highly unlikely that those remaining couples are ones whose marriages were arranged as a means to effect a political alliance between two landed families, nor are any of them in polygynous marriages, nor are any widows forced to marry the brother of their deceased husbands.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And the Lord said unto the chosen,

    "Go forth and be fruitful and multiply,
    However, if a couple of guys want to get married
    and dick each other, your marriages will be ruined
    so throw cereal at them."

    Here endeth the lesson.

    • CleverSobriquet

      Amen

      • Nostrildamus

        Ah, men!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    to throw all their Wheaties and Cheerios and Bisquick and Gogurt and Hamburger Helper and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and Gold Medal flour and La Saltena spaghetti

    In most of the South, that is just considered a good breakfast.

  • fartknocker

    Large corporation pisses off Jeebus fundamentalist whackadoodles. I think tonight I'll celebrate by preparing beef stroganoff using Hamburger Helper. And some homemade biscuits.

    While I'm at it I'll call Fred Phelps at Westboro Baptist and let him know what General Mills is doing since he believes he has a direct telephone circuit to God.

  • Redhead

    They're different than me! I don't understand them! They must be evil, because I went to school in Texas, where I learned that if I don't understand something or someone, instead of learning about it and thinking critically to understand the person/thing, I should scream that God hates them and the Bible told me so, cause really, no one I know can read the Bible!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Sorry, if they don't have some Satan in their logo, I ain't buying it.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    And what of the poorly out-of-work wingnuts? Them that depend on the food bank. What are they to do now? Solve one problem, create another, sometimes.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Hamburger Helper, Totino's, Bugles, Lucky Charms, and Macaroni Grill Frozen Entrees? This will be the shortest suburban hillbilly boycott ever.

  • http://www.lithappens.com/blog/ Lit Happens

    Here's the list of General Foods products. Join me in eating Totino's Pizza Rolls until we get marriage equality. http://www.generalmills.com/Brands.aspx

  • LagunaB

    OT – Wow, 3 baby dear just galloped into my back yard. Now I know who ate my cilantro, lettuce and parsley. Thought it was the baby rabbits sneaking in under the fencing. And mama ground hog moved her babies to the summer den from the winter/forest den. It has been a busy day.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Stand your ground!!

      • LagunaB

        They were not wearing hoodies but I had my water gun ready.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Where you gonna get diabetes from now, right-wing fanatics?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    They should boycott ALL food. Everyone' s problems would be solved.

  • elburritodeluxe

    I hope they also threw away all their pork products and shrimp, cuz Leviticus hates on all that stuff too!

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      Red Lobster is the Devil!

  • prommie

    See what happens when you have high unemployment rates? Your idle jobless cretins have the spare time to start protesting idiotic shit. If the economy were to ever come back (fat chance), these people would have jerbs and wouldn't have time to listen to Limbaugh and run around like fucking blithering idiots making fools of themselves.

  • Callyson

    Really, protesters? You feel "betrayed" by General Mills?

    Bitches, get over yourselves…

  • qwerty42

    From the linked article: "At Least Three to Five NOM Supporters Picket General Mills" … I guess NOM was so overwhelmed by the support they received, they could no longer count. But, hey, Jeebus sez to kill teh gehz, so what the heck …

    • BaldarTCrabass

      NOM NOM NOM!!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    My wife and I went to the Pride parade and festival in downtown Minneapolis last weekend. It was a huge turnout. I’ve got a good feeling that these idiots are minority and our state will vote down the Defense of Marriage Amendment this fall.

    • HempDogbane

      I wasn't, but my daughter was there. I notice each year more hetero folks celebrating,bringing their kids, etc. Also, Simone Augustus !

      How about an unofficial Wonkette meet up on the roof at Joe's Garage?

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Sounds good to me. A couple of Libtards swilling beers on a roof top overlooking the Twin Cities on a hot summer day is my idea of a good time as long as you're not a psycho killer or a knee jerk republican. Got a time in mind?

    • Negropolis

      Yours would be the first.

  • Tommy1733

    Here we can see how free-market capitalism will eventually rid the world of homophobia and many other hatreds, because business leaders know that it is bad business to snub any sizable market segment. My own company ( a giant health insurance company) sent out a memo declaring June to be LGBT appreciation month.

    So the next time you come across a pro-bigotry protest, just wave "Bye-bye" and have a little sympathy for these poor fools who are destined to become marginalized and ridiculed in the near future.

  • Callyson

    Also, that gray haired spokesman for the wingnuts?

    Oh, he was a little guy… Kinda funny lookin'.
    Uh-huh. In what way?
    Oh, just in a general kinda way.

    • ttommyunger

      Did he flee the interview?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I just can't seem to make a joke about "Contents packaged by weight, not volume." But, I will keep trying.

  • Guppy

    Are General Mills products still tainted with The Ghey if you bought them at Target?

  • EarnestineB

    Long ago I worked at an ad agency that had a bunch of GM cereal accounts. There was a legendary focus group of 13-year-old boys who rather matter-of-factly initiated a discussion about Count Chocula's obvious gayness, which was decidedly not the topic of the focus group. Panic ensued on the client side, and an immediate recasting of the voiceover talent, to butch him up. Anyway, maybe he'll finally make an honest monster out of Frankenberry.

  • thefrontpage

    Everyone knows that Betty Crocker was a lesbian!

    Additionally, all of those people protesting in Minnesota are practicing homosexuals.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "practicing homosexuals"

      Well, practice makes perfect.

  • chascates

    Crazy people have way too much time on their hands. And volunteering in soup kitchens or Habitat for Humanity just doesn't please the Lord like hating on teh gayz.

  • scorpy1

    But I thought they liked it when corporations exercise their "free speech rights"?

    • MacRaith

      Free speech = giving money to Mitt Romney. Anything else is socialism. Get your definitions straight.

  • Steverino247

    Corporations are gay people, too, my friend.

  • arduinohacker

    I don't think the proteters have thought this through…. If they donate General Mills products to food shelves, they won't be hurting GM– it's just going to increase brand awareness of GM cinnamon Rolls, et al.

    And when the protesters get home and get hungry, they'll notice that theyre COMPLETELY OUT of Eggo's and Hot Pockets and they'll have to make a special trip to Walmart to restock ( and reload ). More $$$ for the General.

    About as well thought-out as that idea to wall off the gays.

  • Barrelhse

    *knock-knock*
    -Who's there?
    -Bisquick.
    -Bisquick who?
    -Bisquick your pants are on fire!

  • glamourdammerung

    Religion of Peace.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

    –That Communist I mentioned earlier, on the subject of the gays.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    An ingenious way to get rid of those Bible h̶u̶m̶p̶e̶r̶s̶ Thumpers, if all agribusiness and food processing companies support LGBT causes and they will starve and migrate out of the country. Problem solved!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Minnesota for Marriage, nice, homey site for the completely delusional. Check it out < http://www.minnesotaformarriage.com/>

  • Negropolis

    Don't worry, you guys. At least Target still hates the gheys.

  • ttommyunger

    Ignorant fucktards rage against criminal enterprise. Sounds fair to me.