THEY'RE AFTER YOUR LUCKY CHARMS!  1:30 pm June 27, 2012

Hero Minnesotans Protest General Mills For Hating Straight Marriage, Call For Death To Gays

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Evil LeprechaunThese nice protesters went to Betty Crocker Drive in Golden Valley, Minnesota, to throw all their Wheaties and Cheerios and Bisquick and Gogurt and Hamburger Helper and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and Gold Medal flour and La Saltena spaghetti right in the face of stupid old General Mills, by collecting all General Mills’ products from their own kitchens and donating them to a food bank. Why the unexpected outbreak of Christian charity? Because General Mills stomped its giant foot down and interfered against the heroic fight to save heterosexual marriage from icky gays who should be put to death, when the company said, “hey, we think it’s important that Minnesota be inclusive and welcoming.” Judging by that statement, General Mills probably doesn’t even think that we should put homosexuals to death! We bet we know one group that no longer thinks corporations are people!

Disgusting counter-protesters across the street included some stupid straight couple that claimed their 43-year marriage had not at all been attacked by gays and who should probably read their Bible. That’s where, the group Minnesota for Marriage helpfully explains on its Facebook page, it says gays should be put to death and their blood will be on their own heads. Everybody, let’s hear it for Minnesota Nice! Also, some dude from corporate came out and offered the protesters coffee, but they stood their ground and said they would just donate that to the food bank too, and also fuck you.

[TruthWinsOut/GoodAsYou]

 

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{ 138 comments }

Barb June 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Cereal killers!

Estproph June 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Ya had to go there…

Barb June 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Yes, I did!

SexySmurf June 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I thought Kellogg's made Fruit Loops?

JustPixelz June 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Technically they are "Froot Loops" because of having no actual fruit. Kinda the opposite of the GO-Pee party which has actual fruit in it. (Note to GO-Pee'ers: I'm using slang "fruit" to mean non-heterosexuals.)

BerkeleyBear June 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Well, we know there's no actual fruit in the sense of food at a GOP event (unless you count the one strawberry that gets ritually sacrificed over each container of high fructose corn jam).

prommie June 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Who the fuck fell for that pitch, seriously, who the fuck actually said "great idea, I will invest my money in a movie about evil leprechauns?" I want to meet that person, if they have any money left.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm
prommie June 27, 2012 at 1:57 pm

That leprechaun movie became a "franchise?" There were FIVE fucking sequels? God damn, fuck me running, this amazes me. This is absolute proof that the percentages you see out there for the number of people in the US who smoke weed daily are way the fuck off. There is no other explanation, fucking weed, man. How the fuck come I can't ever find any, when there are so many people getting baked that they supported SIX FUCKING LEPRECHAUN MOVIES!

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Not so much stoners, just big fans of Lucky Charms.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Ahem, please, read what you just wrote there. "Stoners" and "big fans of Lucky Charms" are I believe what is called "equivalent sets."

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

(Draws deeply on the vape) Wut?

Estproph June 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Welcome to another edition of that laugh-a-minute reality show, "Fun With Hillbillies!"

Gratuitous World June 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

There's more to life than hating the gays, ya know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day….Well. I just don't understand it.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Frances? Frances, is that YOU? (Gazes adoringly at Gratuitous)

SheriffRoscoe June 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Meh. You see how much these people eat? The less vocal bigots will just go on hating the food company with every delicious marshmallowy bite.

walterhwhite June 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I usually go to Trader Joe's for cereals or buy the generic brands, but maybe I'll spring for the outrageously priced General Mills cereals since they somehow managed to do the right thing for once.

larrykat June 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Unfortunately, they did the right thing but with bovine growth hormones and shitloads of pesticides and early harvesting using RoundUp.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I guess the Hero Minnesotans can no longer split their Oreo and lick out the creamy center, either.
http://www.suntimes.com/news/roeper/13423175-452/

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 1:53 pm

That would actually make an excellent counter-protest. Just standing there, unwinding and slowly eating out Oreos in their faces, with great delectation.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Does General Mills make hot dogs too? Then you could eat wieners while licking Oreos at the same time.

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I'll believe a Minnesotan will give away a package of Crescent Rolls when Dick Cheney leaves all his money to Greenpeace.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Because Crescents are Muslin, duh!

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:59 pm

And you know this … HOW? Biffullah bin Syed?

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm

No Musliny spell-casting incantations are allowed on this forum!!1!1!

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Dam, busted!

MosesInvests June 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Derka Derka Mohammad Jihad!

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Easy–Crescent moon, Red Crescent Society. You never hear of la Croix-Rouge, do ya?

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Croix Rouge, Croix Rouge, where have I heard that before?

Trannysurprise June 27, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It's OK for General Mills to be gay now that DADT is gone. These people need to keep up.

pinkocommi June 27, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Good to hear the maker of Progresso is progressive.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Aside from the BSP cancer lining in their cans, yeah.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It would be real cool if the company changed it's name to Genital Mills.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 1:55 pm

You're thinking of Purina.

JerkCade June 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Not a speck of cereal

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

The poodle chews it …

bobbert June 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Frank?

Jus_Wonderin June 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

"All you add is love."

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Nabisco got a bunch of Facebook hate for posting a rainbow cookie on their Oreo Facebook page for pride weekend. I read it somewhere yesterday. Too busy and dumb to find a link. But I Immediatly went and "liked" Oreos, even though I rarely eat them since they are just a delivery system for sugar and crisco onto my ass.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

"a delivery system for sugar and crisco onto my ass."

Uh, you're eating them wrong. Oh, "onto". Never mind.

And, here you go: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/how-could-you-boyc

CleverSobriquet June 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Rainbow Oreos would be totally freakin awesome after couple of hits of General Mills Fiber One Kush

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Hey, they're pretty fuckin' amazing after a single toke of good Cheeziel.

edgydrifter June 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

If the Corn Refiners Association came out in support of gay rights, these people would starve to death.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Quick, get on the phone to the Corn Refiners!

Nowisallthereis June 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I hear that oxygen supports gay rights. Water too. All we have to do is leak that to Faux Noose.

coolhandnuke June 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Don't those silly, confused Minnesota heathens know that "Dix are for Chix.'

Boojum June 27, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Dix are for hiding under FUPA.

doloras June 27, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I thought they were against "chix with dix".

Come here a minute June 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Well of course the nice protesters didn't want the coffee; they only drink Postum.

freakishlywrong June 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm

"Postum" is a seriously deranged and wonderful reference. It's even more obscure than Maypo. Well did, come here…well did.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Never knew what that was, glad you made me look it up on the wiki:

Postum was sometimes marketed by an invisible cartoon ghost named Mister Coffee Nerves, who would appear in situations wherein people were shown in uncomfortable life-situations (e.g., irritability, lack of sleep, lack of athletic prowess) due to their use of coffee and its negative effects.

That sounds hysterical!

Postum was popular among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was part of Mormon culture for many years because they abstain from coffee.

Figures.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Mina is out of surgery and is doing well. She is sedated and Christine got to touch her cheek for the first time today.

I will be breaking all of the promises I made to God last night in five…four….three….

YES! YES! YES!

Biff June 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Great news!

BerkeleyBear June 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Good to hear, Barb.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Hooray for modern secular medicine! God gets punked again!

Monsieur_Grumpe June 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Yay!

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Excellent!

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Mazel tov!

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm

OMG I am so happy to hear this! My best to everyone…

Barb June 27, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Thanks everyone!

Chichikovovich June 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Spectacular news. I'll be happy for the rest of the day. At least. Even if Portugal beats Spain.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Go Spain!

MosesInvests June 27, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Woo hoo! Love ya, Barb! And love to grandbabby Mina.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Love you too, Sweetie Moses.

fuflans June 27, 2012 at 4:49 pm

important good news!

Barb June 27, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Thanks Fuflans. Things are looking much brighter now.

bobbert June 27, 2012 at 7:04 pm

That is great news. Yay medical science! Two for two on grandbarbies!

Congratulations and best wishes to mom, dad, and Mina. (And you, of course).

Barb June 27, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Bobbert, you are such a great person, thanks.

JustPixelz June 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Jesus: never married (DaVinci Code not-withstanding), thin, neat. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

*Slim,* dude. Slim.

JustPixelz June 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

TY. If Jesus had lived, he'd probably have started hitting the early bird “last supper” special at the Roamin' Buffet every afternoon. Eventually he'd have needed a Rascal to get around. He'd roll on water to give a sermon then go home to turn wine into the body of Christ.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:14 pm

He HAD TO DIE!!

PubOption June 27, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Then there was the disciple, the one whom Jesus loved.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Wasn't that James the Younger, the youngest and handsomest of all the disciples?

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 2:00 am

And that jealous bitch Judas turned Jesus in, 'cause if he can't have Jesus, no one will.

Gratuitous World June 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

the Hamburger Helper mascot should've tipped them decades ago.
no glove no love.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Hetero Minnesotans. Hetero.

sharethegrief June 27, 2012 at 1:51 pm

What if a gay couple goes to this food bank? Will there be a purity test?

mavenmaven June 27, 2012 at 1:53 pm

That Pillsbury Dough Boy always tripped my gaydar.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

What do you expect?! He has been touched inappropriately on a daily basis!!

upthruster June 27, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Not a single item will be donated to a food shelf.. it will all be tossed out, because of course the food shelf will not accept opened products for fear of contamination, duh. Even if these protesters purchased GM products to symbolically dump them on camera, GM still wins their money (Ha!) and thus the protesters themselves have helped GM to support the LGBT community.

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Fag fabulous, food!
Hot sausage in anus!
While we're in the mood —
Straights-gays will reck us!
Pease pudding and saveloys!
What next is the question?
Rich gentlemen have it, boys —
In-di-gestion!

(etc etc)

TootsStansbury June 27, 2012 at 1:55 pm

So much hilarity today on our Wonkette! Remember when it was thought to be a good idea to shine a light on the crazy? Send it scurrying for cover in shame? I think the crazy LIKES the spotlight! Run! We've created a monster!

Steverino247 June 27, 2012 at 1:56 pm

WHITE FLOUR! WHITE FLOUR! WHITE FLOUR!

SheriffRoscoe June 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Oh my lord that's funny.

Steverino247 June 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm

If you think that's funny, you should see the T-shirt Hell site selling a t-shirt with the Pillsbury doughboy dressed as Hitler with WHITE FLOUR! as the caption. I'd post a link but the site is blocked where I am right now.

SayItWithWookies June 27, 2012 at 1:56 pm

That nice spokesperson with the coffee should've asked the protesters which ones were virgins when they were married and have never been divorced, and told the rest of them to go home because they've already ruined traditional marriage for everybody.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 2:08 pm

That would have been quite Christ-like.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Except for instead of being humiliated for their hypocrisy, they would have crucified the spokeperson.

Tyrannically_Joe June 27, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Untrue! Because I think it's highly unlikely that those remaining couples are ones whose marriages were arranged as a means to effect a political alliance between two landed families, nor are any of them in polygynous marriages, nor are any widows forced to marry the brother of their deceased husbands.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 1:57 pm

And the Lord said unto the chosen,

"Go forth and be fruitful and multiply,
However, if a couple of guys want to get married
and dick each other, your marriages will be ruined
so throw cereal at them."

Here endeth the lesson.

CleverSobriquet June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Amen

Nostrildamus June 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Ah, men!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 1:57 pm

to throw all their Wheaties and Cheerios and Bisquick and Gogurt and Hamburger Helper and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and Gold Medal flour and La Saltena spaghetti

In most of the South, that is just considered a good breakfast.

fartknocker June 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Large corporation pisses off Jeebus fundamentalist whackadoodles. I think tonight I'll celebrate by preparing beef stroganoff using Hamburger Helper. And some homemade biscuits.

While I'm at it I'll call Fred Phelps at Westboro Baptist and let him know what General Mills is doing since he believes he has a direct telephone circuit to God.

Redhead June 27, 2012 at 1:59 pm

They're different than me! I don't understand them! They must be evil, because I went to school in Texas, where I learned that if I don't understand something or someone, instead of learning about it and thinking critically to understand the person/thing, I should scream that God hates them and the Bible told me so, cause really, no one I know can read the Bible!

Blueb4sunrise June 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Sorry, if they don't have some Satan in their logo, I ain't buying it.

SheriffRoscoe June 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

And what of the poorly out-of-work wingnuts? Them that depend on the food bank. What are they to do now? Solve one problem, create another, sometimes.

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hamburger Helper, Totino's, Bugles, Lucky Charms, and Macaroni Grill Frozen Entrees? This will be the shortest suburban hillbilly boycott ever.

Lit Happens June 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Here's the list of General Foods products. Join me in eating Totino's Pizza Rolls until we get marriage equality. http://www.generalmills.com/Brands.aspx

LagunaB June 27, 2012 at 2:04 pm

OT – Wow, 3 baby dear just galloped into my back yard. Now I know who ate my cilantro, lettuce and parsley. Thought it was the baby rabbits sneaking in under the fencing. And mama ground hog moved her babies to the summer den from the winter/forest den. It has been a busy day.

Blueb4sunrise June 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Stand your ground!!

LagunaB June 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

They were not wearing hoodies but I had my water gun ready.

elburritodeluxe June 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Where you gonna get diabetes from now, right-wing fanatics?

Joshua Norton June 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm

They should boycott ALL food. Everyone' s problems would be solved.

elburritodeluxe June 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I hope they also threw away all their pork products and shrimp, cuz Leviticus hates on all that stuff too!

valthemus June 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Red Lobster is the Devil!

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:08 pm

See what happens when you have high unemployment rates? Your idle jobless cretins have the spare time to start protesting idiotic shit. If the economy were to ever come back (fat chance), these people would have jerbs and wouldn't have time to listen to Limbaugh and run around like fucking blithering idiots making fools of themselves.

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Really, protesters? You feel "betrayed" by General Mills?

Bitches, get over yourselves…

qwerty42 June 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm

From the linked article: "At Least Three to Five NOM Supporters Picket General Mills" … I guess NOM was so overwhelmed by the support they received, they could no longer count. But, hey, Jeebus sez to kill teh gehz, so what the heck …

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

NOM NOM NOM!!

Monsieur_Grumpe June 27, 2012 at 2:14 pm

My wife and I went to the Pride parade and festival in downtown Minneapolis last weekend. It was a huge turnout. I’ve got a good feeling that these idiots are minority and our state will vote down the Defense of Marriage Amendment this fall.

HempDogbane June 27, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I wasn't, but my daughter was there. I notice each year more hetero folks celebrating,bringing their kids, etc. Also, Simone Augustus !

How about an unofficial Wonkette meet up on the roof at Joe's Garage?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 28, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Sounds good to me. A couple of Libtards swilling beers on a roof top overlooking the Twin Cities on a hot summer day is my idea of a good time as long as you're not a psycho killer or a knee jerk republican. Got a time in mind?

Negropolis June 29, 2012 at 9:05 am

Yours would be the first.

Tommy1733 June 27, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Here we can see how free-market capitalism will eventually rid the world of homophobia and many other hatreds, because business leaders know that it is bad business to snub any sizable market segment. My own company ( a giant health insurance company) sent out a memo declaring June to be LGBT appreciation month.

So the next time you come across a pro-bigotry protest, just wave "Bye-bye" and have a little sympathy for these poor fools who are destined to become marginalized and ridiculed in the near future.

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Also, that gray haired spokesman for the wingnuts?

Oh, he was a little guy… Kinda funny lookin'.
Uh-huh. In what way?
Oh, just in a general kinda way.

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:03 am

Did he flee the interview?

Jus_Wonderin June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I just can't seem to make a joke about "Contents packaged by weight, not volume." But, I will keep trying.

Guppy June 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Are General Mills products still tainted with The Ghey if you bought them at Target?

EarnestineB June 27, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Long ago I worked at an ad agency that had a bunch of GM cereal accounts. There was a legendary focus group of 13-year-old boys who rather matter-of-factly initiated a discussion about Count Chocula's obvious gayness, which was decidedly not the topic of the focus group. Panic ensued on the client side, and an immediate recasting of the voiceover talent, to butch him up. Anyway, maybe he'll finally make an honest monster out of Frankenberry.

thefrontpage June 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Everyone knows that Betty Crocker was a lesbian!

Additionally, all of those people protesting in Minnesota are practicing homosexuals.

Jus_Wonderin June 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"practicing homosexuals"

Well, practice makes perfect.

chascates June 27, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Crazy people have way too much time on their hands. And volunteering in soup kitchens or Habitat for Humanity just doesn't please the Lord like hating on teh gayz.

scorpy1 June 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

But I thought they liked it when corporations exercise their "free speech rights"?

MacRaith June 27, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Free speech = giving money to Mitt Romney. Anything else is socialism. Get your definitions straight.

Steverino247 June 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Corporations are gay people, too, my friend.

arduinohacker June 27, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I don't think the proteters have thought this through…. If they donate General Mills products to food shelves, they won't be hurting GM– it's just going to increase brand awareness of GM cinnamon Rolls, et al.

And when the protesters get home and get hungry, they'll notice that theyre COMPLETELY OUT of Eggo's and Hot Pockets and they'll have to make a special trip to Walmart to restock ( and reload ). More $$$ for the General.

About as well thought-out as that idea to wall off the gays.

Barrelhse June 27, 2012 at 3:41 pm

*knock-knock*
-Who's there?
-Bisquick.
-Bisquick who?
-Bisquick your pants are on fire!

glamourdammerung June 27, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Religion of Peace.

Tyrannically_Joe June 27, 2012 at 7:32 pm

–That Communist I mentioned earlier, on the subject of the gays.

Baba_NinjaCat12 June 27, 2012 at 8:00 pm

An ingenious way to get rid of those Bible h̶u̶m̶p̶e̶r̶s̶ Thumpers, if all agribusiness and food processing companies support LGBT causes and they will starve and migrate out of the country. Problem solved!

BZ1 June 27, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Minnesota for Marriage, nice, homey site for the completely delusional. Check it out < http://www.minnesotaformarriage.com/>

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:41 am

Don't worry, you guys. At least Target still hates the gheys.

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:06 am

Ignorant fucktards rage against criminal enterprise. Sounds fair to me.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Well hell. I'm a stoner and I hate Lucky Charms and have never seen a Leprechaun movie. Guess I'm an outlier, but that's nothing new…

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

What that Crabass dood said. Dood.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 7:16 pm

You called?

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