Exodus Int’l Admits It Can’t Cure Gays, Would Still Prefer They Not Have Gay Sex

by Josh Fruhlinger

The use of Comic Sans is the most offensive part of this imageExodus International is one of those ministries that promise to help people who are gay but are raised in a belief system that tells them that their desire for emotional and sexual fulfillment with someone of the same gender is wrong by helping them come to terms with their true feelings curing them of gayness. Oh, whoops, did we say “cure”? Because it turns out that Exodus is now saying that they can’t cure your sweaty, unrepressible urges to have hot sexytimes with a dude (if you’re a dude) or a lady (if you’re a lady) and in fact it never could! This could explain a lot, like why two of the organization’s cofounders ran off with each other in the ’70s and got gay married. Find out after the jump if this epiphany has led them to have a more healthy and realistic attitude towards sexuality. (SPOILER: No.)

So Exodus is having its big annual get-together in Minnesota this week, just 600 or so folks chillin’, maxin’ and relaxin’, and 100 percent not even once fucking anyone of the same gender as them. But have they had the desire to fuck people of same gender cured out of them, by Jesus? No, obviously not, what are you, stupid, that would be impossible!

The group’s president, Alan Chambers, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the conference would highlight his efforts to dissociate the group from the controversial practice usually called ex-gay, reparative or conversion therapy.

“I do not believe that cure is a word that is applicable to really any struggle, homosexuality included,” said Chambers, who is married to a woman and has children, but speaks openly about his own sexual attraction to men. “For someone to put out a shingle and say, ‘I can cure homosexuality’ — that to me is as bizarre as someone saying they can cure any other common temptation or struggle that anyone faces on Planet Earth.”

So Chambers is saying that gays can only be cured in space, we guess? The saddest part about the “same-sex lustin’ is just a temptation to be resisted, like other temptations” idea is that it seems to ignore certain realities. Like, for instance, stealing things is tempting to pretty much everyone (because it’s nice to have things without needing to pay for them) but should be resisted (because it’s not nice to take stuff away from other people). Whereas having sex with someone of the same gender is extremely tempting to some people and only mildly to not at all tempting to others, but should be resisted because, uh, really there is no reason, go on and do it already, Alan Chambers!

Oh, wait, what’s that, you already got married, to a lady?

Chambers said the ministry’s emphasis should be simply helping Christians who want to reconcile their own particular religious beliefs with sexual feelings they consider an affront to scripture. For some that might mean celibacy; for others, like Chambers, it meant finding an understanding opposite-sex partner.

“I consider myself fortunate to be in the best marriage I know,” Chambers said. “It’s an amazing thing, yet I do have same-sex attractions. Those things don’t overwhelm me or my marriage; they are something that informs me like any other struggle I might bring to the table.”

If you are married and know Alan Chambers, you are basically an embarrassment to married people everywhere. What on earth are you telling him about what marriage is like? Do you tell him that your every day is filled with dread at the prospect that you might have to touch your naughty bits to those of your opposite-sex spouse, that the monthly ritual will once again end in weeping and shame? Do you think you’re making him feel better, by telling him, this? Well, you’re not, understand? You’re not.

Anyway, we urge Minnesota-area readers to scour the local M4M Craigslist ads or just hang out in the men’s room at the airport, for comedy. Also, we present without comment the following Google ad that we found embedded in the AP story:

Upstanding Christian men, if you know what we mean! (We mean cock.)

[AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 128 comments }

Barb June 27, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Chambers should have been working on the cure for denial instead.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I thought the cure for denial was the Aswan High Dam and Lake Nasser?

noodlesalad June 27, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Interesting use of the book of Exodus. Most people think that the Hebrews of Moses' generation were born into slavery, but apparently it was a choice, and all gay people need is someone to "part the waters" to the freedom of being straight, which will actually very much be like wandering in the desert for 40 years.

And Moses said unto the Pharaoh "Let my people blow."

BenGleck June 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Are you talking about Heblews?

OurDailyBread June 27, 2012 at 9:31 pm

"Go down, Moses…."

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Actually I am very uncomfortable with the knowledge that most people I run into on a daily basis are having any kind of sex at all. I am no prize but there are some really unappealing people out there.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

This is the NICE thing about sharing this world with other people. You can look at them and think, "Holy crap, this fucking LOSER actually got laid? There's hope for MEEEE!"

Wut, you thought I was actually going to say something nice and kind for a change? C'mere, you. (Hugs the Goon)

prommie June 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

The idea that there is someone for everyone often gives me the cold shivers. I guess if alright but I just hope they keep it in the privacy of their bedrooms and not do it where they might scare children or animals.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Frighten the horses!

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I’m sorry I think we need to reinstitute DADT and apply it to ugly heterosexuals in civilian life. I just don’t want to know if the Tim Horton lady that makes my coffee is getting any.
And hugs back

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And what about rich old men who date / marry much younger women? That is really icky and gross, not to mention unnatural and wrong; I insist we outlaw it!

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 1:06 pm

For everyone but me!!

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Let’s not go too far here we wouldn’t want to impose our values on society as a whole.

Veritas78 June 27, 2012 at 10:36 pm

That would pretty much end the whole point of being in the 1%. You would destroy free enterprise, capitalism, and the American way of life as we have come to endure it, in one stroke. Thanks, SorosBot!

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Aw, Goon, now you've got me worrying about the damn Tim Horton lady!

I gotta start practicing being mean for the elections, man.

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Actually she is kind of hot in a naughty librarian kind of way, I just like giving Tim Horton’s the occasional shout out.

Chill_Bill June 27, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Are Alan Chambers and Bryan Fischer fucking yet?

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 12:11 pm

finding an understanding opposite-sex partner

Creepy, on so many levels…

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

You have to wonder what kind of straight person would want to marry someone who wants to throw up every time they have sex. That poor woman.

bobbert June 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Well, he doesn't say, but it sounds like this Chambers fellow is bi.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

As a bisexual person myself, I can tell you that a bi person wouldn't be so conflicted about their attraction to the opposite sex. This guy does not sound like any of the bi guys I know. Admittedly, my sample is small, and self-selected, so my conclusions might not apply.

bobbert June 28, 2012 at 1:20 am

The thing is, you're not a Republican Xtian anti-gay crusader, so of course you're not conflicted ;>)

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 12:11 pm

“I consider myself fortunate to be in the best marriage I know,”

The other marriages he knows must really be horrible then; and considering that they're other fundamentalist Christians, that's really fucking likely.

Butch_Wagstaff June 27, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Yeah, that statement really was…um, a little weird?
All the opposite-marrieds he knows must love having their marriages slammed by someone like Chambers.
My opinion is that he's trying to convince himself that his marriage is soooo wonderful when it's not. He's miserable. She's miserable. Yet they sit down with each other every evening for a good dinner of denial. Later comes the sexy stuff which they both hate.

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I'm not finished outraging over the last post. I'll have to catch up with you guys later.

Crank_Tango June 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Movement of jah people…

PubOption June 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Preaching at gay people.

weejee June 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Oh Alan, Marcus is on line two.

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 12:16 pm

It's priceless that they have an annual convention.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

All five of them, yes.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Convention, orgy. Whatever.

freakishlywrong June 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm

It's crazy wingnut, fundie, intolerant assholes religion on Wonket today. Hence, I'm feelin' a little stabby.

Serolf_Divad June 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Well, it is a day that ends in "y"…

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm
FlownOver June 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm

The new thing is to care passionately and be right wing.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm

This is the same kind of logic that assumes we don't need healthcare. Have a giant tumor in your brain? Just don't let it grow! You can do it! Well, with the help of your understanding opposite-sex spouse you can.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

My opposite-sex spouse draws the line at understanding my brain tumours.

gogogodzilla June 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Needz moar vagina.

Limeylizzie June 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I think Alan actually needs less vagina and more dick.

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Also, in a related story, Chuck Norris has lost his shit (more so):

Chuck Norris Supports Boy Scouts's Anti-Gay Policies, Suggests 'Pro-Gay' Obama Is Pushing Agenda
"Is it a coincidence that BSA national board member James Turley came out swinging against the BSA’s century-old policy to ban gays from leadership and that he has such close affiliations with the pro-gay Obama administration?"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/27/chuck-no

Uh huh…

Butch_Wagstaff June 27, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Damn Obama trying to shove gay Scouts down Chuck Norris's throat!

Ducksworthy June 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

This is good news for Marcus Bachman.

jodyleek June 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Understanding wife=Taking it up the poop-chute while dressed like a boy scout?

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Wearing a Ronald Reagan mask.

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

They rotate in "priest/alter boy", "Penn St coach/youth football player", and other role playing to keep things spicy.

Limeylizzie June 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

OK I am on hold with Samsung in India, I suspect , and am screaming at some poor person and you have made me snort coffee out of my nose.

jodyleek June 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Thank you! And, I'm sorry.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Wait, that doesn't make me you gay, does it?

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Hey, ladies of Wonkette; don't you all wish you were married to a self-loathing gay fundamentalist like Alan Chambers, who is disgusted by your body and sex with you?

prommie June 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Such is the fate of so many women married to those dandy-boy conservative politicians, many from the south and bearing a more than passing resemblance in manner and affect to Ashley Wilkes. Except wearing lots of Polo or Lacoste and plaid shorts and topsiders.

GunToting[Redacted] June 27, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Beverly Leslie libel!

Veritas78 June 27, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Miss Lindsey Libel! (Fan me, Beulah—I've got the vapors.)

freakishlywrong June 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I'm fapping just thinking abut it.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I can't even imagine what it would be like, these two having sex. Does she wear a full-length flannel nightgown with a hole cut in it? Does he close his eyes? Do they both cry afterwards?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

There is probably a porn for that.
Great, now I'm gonna wonder all day until I know for sure.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

C'mon, girl, you OWE it to us to find it!

emmelemm June 27, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Oy, that image!

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Nu? You weren't thinking it?

emmelemm June 27, 2012 at 6:31 pm

The image of a nightgown with a hole in it would never spring to my mind unless specifically called out.

RayneMan June 27, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I think y'all are missing the obvious in this 'marriage'. SHE wears the pants in that family…and the strap-on.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Actually, probably not. If he's *that* self-loathing, he probably believes he should be the Biblical head of the house yata yata.

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

But that does prevent him from being a naughty boy. A very very naughty boy…

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 4:42 pm

That's a fine set of paddles you have there, chicken_thief. Do I sense video in our future?

Swampgas_Man June 27, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Just as much fun as picking up a guy in a bar or a park and finding out the next morning that he plans to flog himself tearfully while praying because you two played bed-shark last night.

Ducksworthy June 27, 2012 at 12:21 pm

So does this mean Bryan Fisher has wasted all that money he spent on treatment?

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

They have treatment for assholism these days?

Nostrildamus June 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Bryan Fisher's idea of "curing gays" involved a smoke-house.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 12:21 pm

“It’s an amazing thing, yet I do have same-sex attractions. Those things don’t overwhelm me or my marriage; they are something that informs me like any other struggle I might bring to the table.”

Yes, being a gay man in a straight marriage is just like any other struggle you might bring to the table. Such as being a bit messy around the house, leaving the toilet seat up, and forgetting to put the little flag up on the mailbox when you mail a letter. SAME THING!

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Hey, I only left it up the one time!

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Soros, my love, if you don't already know by now — in the eyes of Teh Laydeez, once is enough. They will watch you like a hawk for the rest of your life in case you slip up again.

M. Bouffant June 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Clue for The Laydeez: Look before you sit. You've no one to blame but yourselves.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Clue for those gentlemen who might be wishing to get close to LayDeeParts: If Mama's happy, EVUHbody's happy. Keep the old lady happy, and you'll get a LOT more pussy than if you keep her mad.

Veritas78 June 27, 2012 at 10:50 pm

True Love Story: for 62 years of married bliss, my Dad lowered that seat, and he taught his four sons to do the same.

Within a week of Mom's death, that seat started getting left up, and it did for five years until he died.

One of those little examples of chivalry that we might all live by—try to do the right thing when it counts.

MittBorg June 28, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Wow. That is an inspiring story, alright. 62 years!

After years and years of fucking up relationships, I have finally discovered that sometimes a very small thing can make your partner happy without costing you anything. And there is nothing wrong with making someone you love happy, because you will get that happiness back a thousandfold.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

"I have constant urges to seek sexual and emotional fulfillment in the arms of a woman, in a heterosexual relationship, but I realize that this is simply a temptation, like any other. Though I find same-sex relationships distasteful, I am in a loving relationship with a gay man. Our sexual encounters are humiliating and unfulfilling, but the relationship keeps me away from improper conduct with women."

Doesn't really make sense, does it?

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

When you put it like that … it makes GHEY SEX sound awful!

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"On the bright side, he is an excellent chef."

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Chet, for some reason that fucking KILLS me.

Oh, I know why. One of my exes is a professional chef.

Chet Kincaid June 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm

OMG, I just realized this is the Catholic doctrine underpinning the celibate priesthood!!

Veritas78 June 27, 2012 at 10:57 pm

That sounds so HOT! If only all hunky straight men felt this way.

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Well even the DSM IV said gayness wasn't a psychological condition and they think calistiphilia still is psychological.

*I'm sure I didn't spell it right*
Klismaphilia.
*FIXED*

mavenmaven June 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm

calistiphilia, is that what Newt has?

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Must be, since pretty much everyone else has callistophobia.

Schmannnity June 27, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I guess Marcus Bachmann will have to go back to Swiss chocolate packin'.

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Santorum back in the mix!

mavenmaven June 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Apparently the only people obsessed with other people having same sex relationships are religious people who really want to have same sex relationships themselves.

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You noticed!

Beowoof June 27, 2012 at 12:29 pm

You know I am hoping the members of Exodus are not having any kind of straight sex that could lead to procreation. The last thing we need is these people raising more intolerant homophobes.

Tyrannically_Joe June 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Exodus is now saying that they can’t cure your sweaty, unrepressible urges to have hot sexytimes with a dude (if you’re a dude) or a lady (if you’re a lady) and in fact it never could!

It's a good thing Christianity doesn't say anything about lies, much less lies directed at one's neighbors that degrade their reputation or dignity.

StanleyPain2 June 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

You fool! The Ten Commandments are for EVERYONE ELSE, silly! *True* Christians are exempt!

prommie June 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Hell, can you just imagine if they only could cure the gay? That would mean they could cure the hetero, too! What a fucking world it would be, if they could just cure the hetero.

Dildeaux June 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Curing gays of what?

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Generally speaking, having fashion sense and well paying jobs, maybe?

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

If they could just cure them of that disgusting habit of moving into funky run-down neighbourhoods and turning them into beauties …

Srsly. Everybody *knows* you gotta buy into any neighbourhood where Teh Gheys are (girlz or boyz), because within ten years, your property will have appreciated hugely.

SayItWithWookies June 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

How odd that there's a cure for religious fundamentalism but not one for homosexuality. It makes you think that one of them might just be — um — unnatural.

Nostrildamus June 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

So Chambers is saying that gays can only be cured in space, we guess?

I'm pretty sure I saw a movie like that.

StanleyPain2 June 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

In space, no one can hear you say "Hello sailor!"

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

What's it called? I have to see this.

Nostrildamus June 27, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-In-Your-Moon Marigolds"

imissopus June 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Starring Marilyn Chambers, ironically enough.

Shypixel June 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

As Jesus famously said about gay people: " "

MittBorg June 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

And that's about all he ever said about gay people, too.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

So basically, this guy's pushing an abstinence-only "solution" to the gay "problem". Yeah, that works so well.
Dude, if you've turned your whole fucking life into one unending "struggle", (A) you're doing it wrong, and (B) why the fuck are you trying to make other people equally miserable?

thefrontpage June 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

All of the members of Exodus International are homosexuals, and they all engage in homosexual relations, every week.

Hera Sent Me June 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Hmm. Let me see if I have it straight (get it?):

Guys who like guys should marry girls who like girls, and then pretend they aren't gay.

Hate to burst your bubble there, Alan, but you haven't come up with a new idea. That's an old idea, used especially in Hollywood from at least 1925, called "wearing a beard".

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=be

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Paging Will and Jada Smith…

Veritas78 June 27, 2012 at 11:02 pm

It's worked out well for Mitch McConnell and Elaine Chao!

ElPinche June 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Christian wackos can't stop me from having gay sex with my wife.

StanleyPain2 June 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

If God hates gays so much, he should probably stop making them.

Come here a minute June 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Shorter Exodus International president Alan Chambers: "My wife likes to strap it on."

Bonghits4Jesus June 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

The would have been more successful if that had tried to cure ex-christians.

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I wouldn't like to judge a woman who chooses to marry a man who is gay or bi, but I would really hope she realizes that 'curing gayness' works about as well as 'abstinence only' & she is keeping an eye out for possible health (including mental health) consequences for her & her family.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

If you want to eliminate gay sex, then legalize gay marriage! WAKA WAKA! Amirite…anyone?

emmelemm June 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm

{crickets crickets}

I kid, I kid!

widestanceromance June 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I like the photo. What's this post about?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

So Chambers is saying that gays can only be cured in space, we guess?

Why do you think Newt wants to colonize the moon?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Best comment ever on Exodus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFo8NGO4nTA

valthemus June 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

This is bad news for Obama because, as is well known, the man's a big 'mo. (Priceless video)

fuflans June 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

the use of comic sans is always the most offensive part.

M. Bouffant June 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Oh, call off your old tired morality:
stealing things is tempting to pretty much everyone (because it’s nice to have things without needing to pay for them) but should be resisted (because it’s not nice to take stuff away from other peopleyou might get caught).

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 7:51 am

The self-loathing, repressive part of me LOVED this story.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Now there you go making that same mistake that has so many working people voting against their own interests because they think they're gonna be rich someday.

viennawoods13 June 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Ugh. Bad coffee and worse pastries.

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

You have to be in it to win it!

chicken_thief June 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Worse than Starbucks?

M. Bouffant June 27, 2012 at 8:50 pm

That's how the Orthodox Jews do it. I suspect that Mormons have to keep as much of their magic underwear on as they can while at it.

M. Bouffant June 27, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Not catering to anyone who is too dense to look first.

MittBorg June 28, 2012 at 12:39 pm

There *is* that.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: