Exodus Int’l Admits It Can’t Cure Gays, Would Still Prefer They Not Have Gay Sex

  a lifetime of loneliness is its own reward

The use of Comic Sans is the most offensive part of this imageExodus International is one of those ministries that promise to help people who are gay but are raised in a belief system that tells them that their desire for emotional and sexual fulfillment with someone of the same gender is wrong by helping them come to terms with their true feelings curing them of gayness. Oh, whoops, did we say “cure”? Because it turns out that Exodus is now saying that they can’t cure your sweaty, unrepressible urges to have hot sexytimes with a dude (if you’re a dude) or a lady (if you’re a lady) and in fact it never could! This could explain a lot, like why two of the organization’s cofounders ran off with each other in the ’70s and got gay married. Find out after the jump if this epiphany has led them to have a more healthy and realistic attitude towards sexuality. (SPOILER: No.)

So Exodus is having its big annual get-together in Minnesota this week, just 600 or so folks chillin’, maxin’ and relaxin’, and 100 percent not even once fucking anyone of the same gender as them. But have they had the desire to fuck people of same gender cured out of them, by Jesus? No, obviously not, what are you, stupid, that would be impossible!

The group’s president, Alan Chambers, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the conference would highlight his efforts to dissociate the group from the controversial practice usually called ex-gay, reparative or conversion therapy.

“I do not believe that cure is a word that is applicable to really any struggle, homosexuality included,” said Chambers, who is married to a woman and has children, but speaks openly about his own sexual attraction to men. “For someone to put out a shingle and say, ‘I can cure homosexuality’ — that to me is as bizarre as someone saying they can cure any other common temptation or struggle that anyone faces on Planet Earth.”

So Chambers is saying that gays can only be cured in space, we guess? The saddest part about the “same-sex lustin’ is just a temptation to be resisted, like other temptations” idea is that it seems to ignore certain realities. Like, for instance, stealing things is tempting to pretty much everyone (because it’s nice to have things without needing to pay for them) but should be resisted (because it’s not nice to take stuff away from other people). Whereas having sex with someone of the same gender is extremely tempting to some people and only mildly to not at all tempting to others, but should be resisted because, uh, really there is no reason, go on and do it already, Alan Chambers!

Oh, wait, what’s that, you already got married, to a lady?

Chambers said the ministry’s emphasis should be simply helping Christians who want to reconcile their own particular religious beliefs with sexual feelings they consider an affront to scripture. For some that might mean celibacy; for others, like Chambers, it meant finding an understanding opposite-sex partner.

“I consider myself fortunate to be in the best marriage I know,” Chambers said. “It’s an amazing thing, yet I do have same-sex attractions. Those things don’t overwhelm me or my marriage; they are something that informs me like any other struggle I might bring to the table.”

If you are married and know Alan Chambers, you are basically an embarrassment to married people everywhere. What on earth are you telling him about what marriage is like? Do you tell him that your every day is filled with dread at the prospect that you might have to touch your naughty bits to those of your opposite-sex spouse, that the monthly ritual will once again end in weeping and shame? Do you think you’re making him feel better, by telling him, this? Well, you’re not, understand? You’re not.

Anyway, we urge Minnesota-area readers to scour the local M4M Craigslist ads or just hang out in the men’s room at the airport, for comedy. Also, we present without comment the following Google ad that we found embedded in the AP story:

Upstanding Christian men, if you know what we mean! (We mean cock.)

[AP]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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128 comments

  1. noodlesalad

    Interesting use of the book of Exodus. Most people think that the Hebrews of Moses' generation were born into slavery, but apparently it was a choice, and all gay people need is someone to "part the waters" to the freedom of being straight, which will actually very much be like wandering in the desert for 40 years.

    And Moses said unto the Pharaoh "Let my people blow."

  2. Goonemeritus

    Actually I am very uncomfortable with the knowledge that most people I run into on a daily basis are having any kind of sex at all. I am no prize but there are some really unappealing people out there.

    1. MittBorg

      This is the NICE thing about sharing this world with other people. You can look at them and think, "Holy crap, this fucking LOSER actually got laid? There's hope for MEEEE!"

      Wut, you thought I was actually going to say something nice and kind for a change? C'mere, you. (Hugs the Goon)

      1. prommie

        The idea that there is someone for everyone often gives me the cold shivers. I guess if alright but I just hope they keep it in the privacy of their bedrooms and not do it where they might scare children or animals.

      2. Goonemeritus

        I’m sorry I think we need to reinstitute DADT and apply it to ugly heterosexuals in civilian life. I just don’t want to know if the Tim Horton lady that makes my coffee is getting any.
        And hugs back

        1. SorosBot

          And what about rich old men who date / marry much younger women? That is really icky and gross, not to mention unnatural and wrong; I insist we outlaw it!

          1. Goonemeritus

            Let’s not go too far here we wouldn’t want to impose our values on society as a whole.

          2. prommie

            Now there you go making that same mistake that has so many working people voting against their own interests because they think they're gonna be rich someday.

          3. Veritas78

            That would pretty much end the whole point of being in the 1%. You would destroy free enterprise, capitalism, and the American way of life as we have come to endure it, in one stroke. Thanks, SorosBot!

        2. MittBorg

          Aw, Goon, now you've got me worrying about the damn Tim Horton lady!

          I gotta start practicing being mean for the elections, man.

          1. Goonemeritus

            Actually she is kind of hot in a naughty librarian kind of way, I just like giving Tim Horton’s the occasional shout out.

    1. MittBorg

      You have to wonder what kind of straight person would want to marry someone who wants to throw up every time they have sex. That poor woman.

        1. MittBorg

          As a bisexual person myself, I can tell you that a bi person wouldn't be so conflicted about their attraction to the opposite sex. This guy does not sound like any of the bi guys I know. Admittedly, my sample is small, and self-selected, so my conclusions might not apply.

          1. bobbert

            The thing is, you're not a Republican Xtian anti-gay crusader, so of course you're not conflicted ;>)

  3. SorosBot

    “I consider myself fortunate to be in the best marriage I know,”

    The other marriages he knows must really be horrible then; and considering that they're other fundamentalist Christians, that's really fucking likely.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Yeah, that statement really was…um, a little weird?
      All the opposite-marrieds he knows must love having their marriages slammed by someone like Chambers.
      My opinion is that he's trying to convince himself that his marriage is soooo wonderful when it's not. He's miserable. She's miserable. Yet they sit down with each other every evening for a good dinner of denial. Later comes the sexy stuff which they both hate.

  4. ChernobylSoup

    I'm not finished outraging over the last post. I'll have to catch up with you guys later.

  5. freakishlywrong

    It's crazy wingnut, fundie, intolerant assholes religion on Wonket today. Hence, I'm feelin' a little stabby.

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is the same kind of logic that assumes we don't need healthcare. Have a giant tumor in your brain? Just don't let it grow! You can do it! Well, with the help of your understanding opposite-sex spouse you can.

  7. Callyson

    Also, in a related story, Chuck Norris has lost his shit (more so):

    Chuck Norris Supports Boy Scouts's Anti-Gay Policies, Suggests 'Pro-Gay' Obama Is Pushing Agenda
    "Is it a coincidence that BSA national board member James Turley came out swinging against the BSA’s century-old policy to ban gays from leadership and that he has such close affiliations with the pro-gay Obama administration?"

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/27/chuck-no

    Uh huh…

    1. chicken_thief

      They rotate in "priest/alter boy", "Penn St coach/youth football player", and other role playing to keep things spicy.

    2. Limeylizzie

      OK I am on hold with Samsung in India, I suspect , and am screaming at some poor person and you have made me snort coffee out of my nose.

  8. SorosBot

    Hey, ladies of Wonkette; don't you all wish you were married to a self-loathing gay fundamentalist like Alan Chambers, who is disgusted by your body and sex with you?

    1. prommie

      Such is the fate of so many women married to those dandy-boy conservative politicians, many from the south and bearing a more than passing resemblance in manner and affect to Ashley Wilkes. Except wearing lots of Polo or Lacoste and plaid shorts and topsiders.

    2. MittBorg

      I can't even imagine what it would be like, these two having sex. Does she wear a full-length flannel nightgown with a hole cut in it? Does he close his eyes? Do they both cry afterwards?

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        There is probably a porn for that.
        Great, now I'm gonna wonder all day until I know for sure.

          1. emmelemm

            The image of a nightgown with a hole in it would never spring to my mind unless specifically called out.

    3. RayneMan

      I think y'all are missing the obvious in this 'marriage'. SHE wears the pants in that family…and the strap-on.

      1. MittBorg

        Actually, probably not. If he's *that* self-loathing, he probably believes he should be the Biblical head of the house yata yata.

    4. Swampgas_Man

      Just as much fun as picking up a guy in a bar or a park and finding out the next morning that he plans to flog himself tearfully while praying because you two played bed-shark last night.

  9. MissTaken

    “It’s an amazing thing, yet I do have same-sex attractions. Those things don’t overwhelm me or my marriage; they are something that informs me like any other struggle I might bring to the table.”

    Yes, being a gay man in a straight marriage is just like any other struggle you might bring to the table. Such as being a bit messy around the house, leaving the toilet seat up, and forgetting to put the little flag up on the mailbox when you mail a letter. SAME THING!

      1. MittBorg

        Soros, my love, if you don't already know by now — in the eyes of Teh Laydeez, once is enough. They will watch you like a hawk for the rest of your life in case you slip up again.

          1. MittBorg

            Clue for those gentlemen who might be wishing to get close to LayDeeParts: If Mama's happy, EVUHbody's happy. Keep the old lady happy, and you'll get a LOT more pussy than if you keep her mad.

        1. Veritas78

          True Love Story: for 62 years of married bliss, my Dad lowered that seat, and he taught his four sons to do the same.

          Within a week of Mom's death, that seat started getting left up, and it did for five years until he died.

          One of those little examples of chivalry that we might all live by—try to do the right thing when it counts.

          1. MittBorg

            Wow. That is an inspiring story, alright. 62 years!

            After years and years of fucking up relationships, I have finally discovered that sometimes a very small thing can make your partner happy without costing you anything. And there is nothing wrong with making someone you love happy, because you will get that happiness back a thousandfold.

  10. Chet Kincaid

    "I have constant urges to seek sexual and emotional fulfillment in the arms of a woman, in a heterosexual relationship, but I realize that this is simply a temptation, like any other. Though I find same-sex relationships distasteful, I am in a loving relationship with a gay man. Our sexual encounters are humiliating and unfulfilling, but the relationship keeps me away from improper conduct with women."

    Doesn't really make sense, does it?

  11. Baconzgood

    Well even the DSM IV said gayness wasn't a psychological condition and they think calistiphilia still is psychological.

    *I'm sure I didn't spell it right*
    Klismaphilia.
    *FIXED*

  12. mavenmaven

    Apparently the only people obsessed with other people having same sex relationships are religious people who really want to have same sex relationships themselves.

  13. Beowoof

    You know I am hoping the members of Exodus are not having any kind of straight sex that could lead to procreation. The last thing we need is these people raising more intolerant homophobes.

    1. StanleyPain2

      You fool! The Ten Commandments are for EVERYONE ELSE, silly! *True* Christians are exempt!

  14. prommie

    Hell, can you just imagine if they only could cure the gay? That would mean they could cure the hetero, too! What a fucking world it would be, if they could just cure the hetero.

      1. MittBorg

        If they could just cure them of that disgusting habit of moving into funky run-down neighbourhoods and turning them into beauties …

        Srsly. Everybody *knows* you gotta buy into any neighbourhood where Teh Gheys are (girlz or boyz), because within ten years, your property will have appreciated hugely.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    How odd that there's a cure for religious fundamentalism but not one for homosexuality. It makes you think that one of them might just be — um — unnatural.

  16. Nostrildamus

    So Chambers is saying that gays can only be cured in space, we guess?

    I'm pretty sure I saw a movie like that.

  17. Biel_ze_Bubba

    So basically, this guy's pushing an abstinence-only "solution" to the gay "problem". Yeah, that works so well.
    Dude, if you've turned your whole fucking life into one unending "struggle", (A) you're doing it wrong, and (B) why the fuck are you trying to make other people equally miserable?

  18. thefrontpage

    All of the members of Exodus International are homosexuals, and they all engage in homosexual relations, every week.

  19. Hera Sent Me

    Hmm. Let me see if I have it straight (get it?):

    Guys who like guys should marry girls who like girls, and then pretend they aren't gay.

    Hate to burst your bubble there, Alan, but you haven't come up with a new idea. That's an old idea, used especially in Hollywood from at least 1925, called "wearing a beard".

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=be

  20. Come here a minute

    Shorter Exodus International president Alan Chambers: "My wife likes to strap it on."

  21. scvirginia

    I wouldn't like to judge a woman who chooses to marry a man who is gay or bi, but I would really hope she realizes that 'curing gayness' works about as well as 'abstinence only' & she is keeping an eye out for possible health (including mental health) consequences for her & her family.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So Chambers is saying that gays can only be cured in space, we guess?

    Why do you think Newt wants to colonize the moon?

  23. M. Bouffant

    Oh, call off your old tired morality:
    stealing things is tempting to pretty much everyone (because it’s nice to have things without needing to pay for them) but should be resisted (because it’s not nice to take stuff away from other peopleyou might get caught).

Comments are closed.