Jesusy!In a plain case of “Blessed are the poor for Bryan Fischer wants them dead,” the radio host and director of issues analysis at the American Family Association recently overshared some characteristically Deep Thoughts on fixing godless heathen Obamacare. The following Guide to A Good Christian’s Healthcare may prove helpful.

Hospitals should send the poor away: Since it’s plainly an insult to Christianity for hospitals to force care on indigents, Fischer reasons “People need medical care, you will say. Right. People need to eat, too. How long would a grocer stay in business if he was required to offer food to everyone who walked in the door regardless of their ability to pay?” See how much easier moral problems are for Christians once Jesus goes under the bus?

Allow low-premium, high-deductible insurance policies: This commonsense approach encourages the poor to set each other’s broken bones, pull their own teeth, cure Junior’s mumps through leeching and ritually slaughter oxen to ward off werewolves.

Void government mandates as un-American: Fischer loads this insight with references to “Benito Obama” and “MussoliniCare,” but somehow avoids the obvious charge that the word “mandate” itself sounds suspiciously metrosexual.

Increase competition: Presumably this approach will trickle down to makers of budget-line coffins, cut-rate crematoria and Soylent Green.

Tort reform: Making it impossible to sue doctors for anything past, say, a quarter-mil will result in savings insurance execs will pass on to the public by having the yacht debarnacled or buying another couple of governors.

Individual tax breaks: See # 1.

Brother Fischer comes by such holy compassion, if not honestly, then at least understandably. This onetime chaplain of the Idaho state senate is credited with a forward part in the rat-fucking of openly gay Romney advisor Richard Grenell, and the AFA made it onto the Southern Poverty Law Center’s list of anti-gay hate groups. Fischer has also blamed “butch” gays for the Holocaust.

In happier news, a recent New Yorker profile on the columnist nearly set the poor man to spritzing out every visible orifice.

If your personal plan to survive a Romney administration involves not getting sick, well, Brother Fischer is already hard at work making that impossible. [AFA]

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  • Barb

    We used to have a war on poverty and now we seems to have a war on poor people.

  • ChernobylSoup

    If you get sick it's proof that Jesus hates you.

    • gingerland62

      You just need to pray harder.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Consider the lilies of the field – those things are fucking parasites!

  • Estproph

    Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

    I think you picked the wrong master, buddy.

    • Terry

      Here's a bit more Matthew he seems to have missed:
      ‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat;
      I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink;
      I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;
      naked, and you clothed Me;
      I was sick, and you visited Me;
      I was in prison, and you came to Me.’
      “Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? ‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? ‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’
      “The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

      Obviously, Matthew was a massive hippie.

      • YasserArraFeck


    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      In capitalist America, it sure as shit wasn't God.

    • rickmaci

      I believe these guys are all closet atheists. They KNOW there is no glorious ever-after but they can't SELL that. They can sell false hope and fictional salvation to people who are ignorant and frightened. So they pitch fear and stupid, 24-7, and sell a false sense of security to the terrified sheeple who listen to them. Sorry. End of Rant.

      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        Not to whoop out a "no true Scotsman" defense, but they have to believe this shit. Atheists work too hard at establishing their dignity, honing their ethic, and maintaining their integrity to soapbox about this horseshit.

        • rickmaci

          You're talking about principled people. These are just unscrupulous con men.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        As an Atheist I am offended sir!
        Perhaps you meant Satanist or FOX News anchor?

      • gingerland62

        That would mean they were smart enough to come up with a plan. I doubt it.

    • Schmannnity

      You can't ride two horses with only one behind
      –Broadway Danny Rose

    • CivicHoliday

      The only religious groups left in this whole goddamn country that understand that message are the LCWR Catholic nuns and the Unitarians.

  • noodlesalad

    What, are doctors just supposed to walk through the streets, healing the sick and nurturing the afflicted? Messiahs needs to get PAID, yo.

  • a_pink_poodle

    It's kind of funny how people will want to enforce their religious beliefs on homosexuality and abortion yet will recoil and do all sorts of logical somersaults when you suggest enforcing the religious belief of helping the poor.

    • PsycWench

      Don't you remember all those sermons Jesus gave about the horrors of homosexuality and conception being the beginning of life? Don't you remember how he demanded payment every time he laid hands on people and healed them?

      Neither does anyone else.

      • MacRaith

        The problem is, many fundies DO remember such things. They'll swear that it's all in that Bible of theirs somewhere – they can't tell you exactly where, because they quit reading it as soon as they got to the boring parts of Leviticus, but they know what they know and can't be told otherwise.

        I've lived among such people my entire life. You can't argue with the willfully ignorant.

    • gingerland62

      Glen Beck told us all that social justice is code for Socialism. Leave your church if they preach it.

  • Cato56

    He's got that slimy, tent-preacher glow that comes from fleecing fools.

    • jodyleek

      I was thinking pedophile and sadist, but yeah, I can see that.

    • mrpuma2u

      His sweater looks nice, let's beat him senseless and take it.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    If anyone is known for his miracles of free food, health care, and wine, it's Jesus.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Hard to top healing the dead.

  • freakishlywrong

    We are fucking Xceptshional! We've got electrolytes.

    • Fare la Volpe

      We gots what Gods crave.

  • freakishlywrong

    “Blessed are the poor for Bryan Fischer wants them dead,”
    It's hard to laugh at all this awfulness masquerading as Christianity. But that made me pee a little.

  • Arken

    I don't understand your sarcasm. This is exactly what supply-side Jesus taught. Ask Andrew Schlafly.

  • PuckStopsHere

    This is exactly why I am happy to be a Christian. It is because my religion teaches me that jagoffs like this will be going straight to Hell. It's in the Bible. Jesus said it: "That which you do to the least of us, you do to me." This fucker ought to buy himself a bible (or take the Gideon from the drawer the next time he's getting rentboy sex at the motel of his choice) and read the damn thing.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Reading is not condoned by the Bible, and is therefore sin.

      • sullivanst

        For over a thousand years, the Catholic Church did go out of its way to make sure as few people as possible were able to read the Bible.

        • JohnyEdge

          Christianity has been all down hill since the Bible was translated into the vernacular. The Catholic Church had it right. Once these fools started reading the Bible for themselves it was only a matter of time until we got Bryan Fischer.

          • sullivanst

            Controlling the Word simply increased the chance that your only access to it would be through a Bryan Fischer. That is not an improvement.

      • Biff

        Even the apostles had kindles!

  • Antispandex

    This could be the result of the time honored, rich Protestant, work ethic. Or, more simply put, "If god wants them to live, he'll cure them". See, anything else is communism.

  • PsycWench

    Ironically, I feel sick reading that. Hell, I felt sick as soon as I saw his picture.

    • JustPixelz

      Fortunately that's covered under FischerCare. Just gouge your own eyes out. Cured!

      • Biff

        If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!

  • Come here a minute

    Well there have to be hungry people so Christians can be charitable and feed some of them. How would we know how great all the Christians are if the nation was full of well-nourished people?

    • kissawookiee

      Well-fed lions could probably be worked into this equation somehow.

  • widestanceromance

    Times like this, I really wish there was a hell, so I could be confident this scum will spend eternity having his entrails slap him in the face.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Sick freak would like it too much.

      His personal hell would be surrounded by laughing children eating ice cream: fundies hate that "happiness" crap.

      • widestanceromance

        And gay puppies laughing at him.

    • gingerland62

      ..while getting kicked out of Hell Hospital for lack of funds.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    Fischer variably called the profile “shoddy,” “laughably bad,” “juvenile,” “poorly written,” “unprofessional,” “distorted, misleading, false, and deceptive,” “offensively bad,” and “an embarrassingly bad piece of journalism” that is “like something you would get in a middle school journalism class.” He said that Mayer “ought to be ashamed of herself” and is an “inexcusably bad journalist.”

    "And I only 'get' about half the cartoons."

    • freakishlywrong

      I liked it. I couldn't finish it. I found him so genuinely repugnant; I had to put that down.

  • sullivanst

    I'll never need more proof on the non-existence of God than the fact that Bryan Fischer still lives.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Paradox: If suddenly Bryan Fischer went missing, could that still be a beneficent god lurking in the shadows?

      • sullivanst

        Too little, too late.

    • gingerland62

      As well as Donald Trump.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    In the photo of him in the New Yorker article, he does have a nice old muscle car.

    • jodyleek

      They wouldn't let him pose with his windowless, sound-proofed van and in his clown suit?

  • PsycWench

    "People need to eat, too. How long would a grocer stay in business if he was required to offer food to everyone who walked in the door regardless of their ability to pay?”"

    Does this guy not understand how WIC works?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Five bucks says he thinks the soup kitchen is a hot new cafe downtown.

    • Naked_Bunny

      He not only didn't even think about WIC when he made that analogy, he apparently doesn't know that the entire point of private medical insurance is also to let people who can't afford healthcare get some, and that emergency rooms are already generally required to treat anyone who comes in the door with an emergency.

  • Jesus wasn't infallible after all. He forgot to add that most important corollary about the poor: that like them, in this life, "The snake oil salesmen will always be with us."

  • LesBontemps

    Do they call him Anal Fischer? Because he's a bleeding asshole.

    • prommie


    • Blueb4sunrise

      They do now. Thank you.

    • gingerland62

      rim shot!

  • jodyleek

    I blame the Romans. If they really fed the Xtians to the lions, why didn't they feed them all to the lions?

    • widestanceromance

      Being cats, I bet the lions simply played with them until they died, and then left the fit-only-for-maggot meat to rot.

  • Larry McAwful

    If the hospitals would just post the Ten Commandments on the outside of their front doors, the poors could read them and be healed by their faith, and we could resume healing the rich. It's what Jesus wanted.

  • Local_Mojo

    Include Faith Healing in Obamacare. That will get the fundies behind it.

  • Fischer could've avoided much embarassment and scored extra fleecing points against his doubting Thomases if only he'd dubbed his perspective "The Austerity Gospel."

  • smitallica

    I live by a very simple rule:

    No one who has hair like that is not an asshole.

    • widestanceromance

      Behold the Silver Sphincter!

    • Good rule. The NFL owners and coaches in Texas are evidence enough.

  • boobookitteh

    I wish Jesus was real so he could come back and cockpunch this guy.

    • prommie

      He sure makes me feel smite-y.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Competing Interest. All you have to is confess your sins, give your heart to Jesus, and make your payment to their Christians-only healthcare club.

    • Fare la Volpe


    • viennawoods13

      That is some fucked-up shit.

    • PubOption

      …sharing in one another's burdens! Faith-based socialism!

    • sullivanst

      How the fuck is that legal?

      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        How the fuck is insurance legal to begin with? But that's too broad a question. Why is there so much goddamn cognitive dissonance with buy-in programs that spread the damage around, in a capitalist country? Especially from a bunch of Republican Jesus sycophants?

        • sullivanst

          Insurance in general is a perfectly legitimate financial service. Whether for-profit insurance is a good solution to the issue of healthcare is an entirely different question (my answer would be "hell fucking no").

          But how in the hell can you operate a business offering services to the general public with built-in religious discrimination? It's not a club.

      • SorosBot

        I'm pretty sure it's not.

  • As a lifelong stiff-necked Jew, urge all true Christians not to despair, and to remember that there are assholes like this everywhere. Religion is an ideal meal ticket for psychopaths.

  • mavenmaven

    Fisher& Co worship White-Man-Jesus, so quoting Brown-Jew-Jesus at him doesn't really prove anything.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    I worked at a ski area about 40 years ago, where the owner shuffled the manager every few months. We started the year with a party animal who soon got replace by some uber religious dweeb from Omaha. Jeebus ski camp got so bad I quit and left.

    I found out later that Jeebus manager had embezzled nearly everything. Even the soda machines were quarterless after he bugged out. Come to think of it, the guy was way ahead of his time.

  • lochnessmonster

    Think his Bible was written by Satan?

  • sullivanst

    Of course not.

    "It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it" — Upton Sinclair.

  • PsycWench

    Guy looks a bit like Steve Martin. I wonder how Martin feels about that? Probably a little sick.

  • prommie

    Faith alone, no "works" necessary. I swear to god, these fools get it all so fucking wrong that jesus must be spinning in his grave.

    • Fare la Volpe

      What grave?

    • Larry McAwful

      Without works, I don't see what point there is to Christianity existing in the first place. If Christians aren't here to help others, and are only here to adore their God, then what's their purpose? Works are what make Christians Christian.

  • sullivanst

    That rhetoric annoys me probably more than any of the other hateful nonsense those fuckheads spew.

    Worker on the production line = making stuff

    Douche in a suit = taking most of the profit

    They have the roles reversed.

  • Limeylizzie

    I do not understand how these people can sleep at night, no snark, they are just vile.

    • freakishlywrong

      Vampires sleep during the day, Miz lizzy.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Preach, sister.

  • prommie

    Charity is slavery, people, Saint Ayn established this.

    • freakishlywrong

      Until she needed it. SS is also un-constitutional, but will only become that way after uber-libtardian Ron Paul leaves this mortal coil.

  • timbo71351

    I really can't wait for the day when Fischer has a "wide-stance" incident in the men's room of a Greyhound bus station.

    • PsycWench

      I am really looking forward to the excuse he comes up with when he is caught. The good excuses are already taken.

      • widestanceromance

        "I wanted to suck the gay away from this man."

  • not that Radio

    We all know that Sodom and Gomorrah had to be destroyed, because they were wicked and allowed homosexuality. And that Lot was a righteous man, because he offered up his underaged daughters to be raped, for the Lord.

    • Larry McAwful

      And later on, Lot had sex with both his daughters, so they could bear heirs. Praise the Lord.

      • not that Radio


  • prommie

    By the way, from the book of prommies parables, short phrases to confound christian conservatives, try these: "Its not charity if they deserve it. Its not mercy if they are innocent." Charity is by definition what you give precisely to those who do not deserve it. Thats why its an act of grace.

    • freakishlywrong

      "What is this "grace" word you speak of"?

      • prommie

        per wiki, "In the New Testament, the word translated as grace is the Greek word charis (Greek χάρις), pronounced khar'-ece, for which Strong's Concordance gives this definition; "Grace, the state of kindness and favor towards someone, often with a focus on a benefit given to the object." [1][2] A Greek word that is related to charis is charisma (gracious gift). Both these words originated from another Greek word chairo (to rejoice, be glad, delighted). [3] In the Old Testament, the Hebrew term used is chen [4][5] (חֵן), which is defined in Strong's as "favor, grace or charm; grace is the moral quality of kindness, displaying a favorable disposition".[6] In the King James translation, Chen is translated as "grace" 38 times, "favour" 26 times, twice as "gracious", [7] once as "pleasant", [8] and once as "precious". [9]"

  • joshleefolsom

    Grocery stores pay property taxes, hospitals don't. Stupid fuck.

  • SorosBot

    But Christians claim their religion is a religion of peace and love! Even though they always prove it's a religion of hate and resentment.

  • prommie

    I thought they were called "niggers?" Am I missing something, I mean, isn't their color the real problem? Isn't that why the racists are all libertarian and its the southern conservative racists who want to drown the nigger-coddling government in a bathtub? Isn't that really all it is?

  • RalphCrown

    This a-hole should try being poor for a while. That would change his tune.

  • nirrti_rachelle

    In capitalist America, homeless person feeds you.

  • mrpuma2u

    This guy is clearly a fan of Dickens:

    I can’t afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned—they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there.”

    “Many can’t go there; and many would rather die.”

    “If they would rather die,” said Scrooge, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.

    • Hammiepants

      Less of Dickens than of the character Scrooge, I would guess.

  • Pro-life until they're sick.

  • viennawoods13

    I read that article this past weekend. Funny, he keeps getting invited to leave fundie churches that he helped found. It's almost as if he's too bat-shit crazy extreme for even the fundies. That whole women-can't-have-authority-postions-over-men is just so 1300.

  • notreelyhelping

    If there is a God, isn't it about time he/she/whatever fires this guy?

    • sullivanst

      As long as it involves actual flame, yes.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Fact: ritually burning the entrails of right wing douchebags with sage and garlic cloves is known to ward off the black death, bloody flux, consumption and many other sorts of old timey diseases. Do what you will with this information.

    • For the ladies, it also wards off hysteria as well as the more common remedy of pelvic massage.

    • mrpuma2u

      If you make a drinking bowl from their skull it neutralizes many poisons, or that's what the forest gremlins told me.

  • People need to eat, too. How long would a grocer stay in business if he was required to offer food to everyone who walked in the door regardless of their ability to pay?

    Reductio ad absurdum

    Ever notice when a wingnut can't make a rational point they have to make up something silly and then argue against their strawman as if that were the actual subject at hand?

    This is shut-in crazy grandpa gold.

  • "Twisted Scripture" — was that a bad 80s band, or a cheesy 80s power ballad?

  • Schmegeg

    "When I was a child, I understood as a child and spake as a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11) Or maybe not in this case.

  • sullivanst

    It ends much earlier than that, of course: birth.

  • In Bryan Fisher's defense (::puke::), hospitals are an example of creeping Sharia.

    • Steverino247

      No, but Creeping Sharia would be a lovely addition to any public building's landscaping, especially at this time of year.

      President, Creeping Sharia Horticultural Society

  • qwerty42

    Dear Dog, what a depraved person this is.

  • fawkedifiknow

    What does the salamander whisperer think about this?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I'm convinced that it was because of people like Fischer that the Romans kept their lions so well fed.

  • Jesus was always pushing for tax breaks for the rich and for corporations.

  • cheetojeebus

    He has that ' I-need-to-get-down-to-the-secret-sub-basement-and-do-a-little-proselytizing-of-my-new-preteen-flock.' look.

  • “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
    “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
    “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

    “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
    They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
    He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
    “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.

    -Some Communist

  • Callyson

    People need to eat, too. How long would a grocer stay in business if he was required to offer food to everyone who walked in the door regardless of their ability to pay?

    Not very long, which is why we bleeding heart liberals invented food stamps.


  • Callyson

    I thought the term was "wealth destroyers." Or "unproductive classes."

    Or, you know, what prommie said…

  • Naked_Bunny

    How long would a grocer stay in business if he was required to offer food to everyone who walked in the door regardless of their ability to pay?

    This must be why all the grocery stores went out of business after food stamps were invented.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I'll bet Fischer totally laughs at jokes about how tight-fisted Jews are in between writing this crap.

  • Hammiepants

    Really, the Soylent Green allusion is incredibly apropos. It's been my contention for a long time that the right just doesn't want the poor to shut up and go away and not eat government-subsidised anything, they want them exterminated.

  • HistoriCat

    Fischer should stick with anti-bear rants – those are more coherent.

  • notanncoulter

    People people… You are confusing Christianity with this guy's "Chri$tianity" – not the same thing.
    His idea is to meddle with as many people's lives as possible FOR PROFIT and to get them to vote against their own best interests… FOR PROFIT.
    This charlatan and others like him [Focus On The Family. etc] have a very special place in hell awaiting them.. on Satan's knee!
    [NOTE: Profit in and of itself I do not have a problem with – it's the… Santorumy blend with religion in order to influence people that I find offensive]

  • sati_demise

    Fischer is so gay, my gaydar went off the scale so cannot give out the exact level of gayness.

  • Beowoof

    What the Bible says is not what these people do. They have perverted the words of the Bible to coincide with the words of Ayn Rand. The problem is that most Americans are too poorly educated to pick up on this and they blindly listen to these off the wall pastors. Some how they have come to believe that when Jesus performed his many miracles, he did so for payment, as how else would he support himself and those 12 folks in his posse. Additionally, loaves and fishes, they must have left out the after dinner payment of the check and a large tip from the Biblical text.

  • notanncoulter

    Wait… Is that Rand Paul in a mask?

  • thefrontpage

    The American Family Association is nothing but a collection of homosexual left-wing liberal Democratic progressive hippies who work toward sane family policies, sane women's rights issues, sane gun control issues, sane abortion-rights issues, sane separation-of-church-and-state issues, sane tax issues, sane help-the-poor issues, sane civic and civil rights issues, sane equality issue, and sane governmental and political issues, in general. They're all very open-minded, progressive, and future-minded! And they all fully, completely and thoroughly embrace free love and homosexual relations.

  • PhilippePetain

    I love how his argument is "This dummy used tons of exclamation points in her article! I used to do that and the editors would take them out! She's such a dummy!" Well, dude, I hate to point out the obvious here, but… you just said you used to do the same thing. What the fuck are you getting at? Need we point out that the New Yorker isn't a newspaper and might be trying for something other than straight down the middle Idaho wingnut journalism standards?

  • Also that Saint Ronald Reagan originally signed that law back in 1986, the damned commie.

  • Larry McAwful

    This model works! Sort of. Al Qaeda will give money and help to people of the correct religion, too. So this is a proven model.

  • MinAgain

    Jesus is going to kick somebody's ass in the afterlife.

  • McPdx

    "How long would a grocer stay in business if he was required to offer food to everyone who walked in the door regardless of their ability to pay?”

    Right. Of course, most people don't have to declare bankruptcy, lose their homes and savings when they want to buy a week's worth of groceries.

  • Smithboy

    What do you want to bet Fischer supports spending three billion a week fighting a no win war in Afghanistan and countless more billions supporting a corrupt Iraqi regime? War good…health care bad. Jesus could not have put it better.

  • ttommyunger

    That picture screams "Asshole, and proud of it!" almost as loud as Tom DeLay's mugshot.

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