see what they did there?

Herman Cain, Ken Blackwell Team Up For Most Ludicrous Video Ever

Herman Cain and Ken Blackwell, the former Ohio secretary of state who STOLE THE 2004 ELECTION WITH MACHINES, have teamed up to produce this video about the Right to Vote. They do so by criticizing the Justice Department’s attempts to ensure black people can vote in the face of new laws that are clearly trying to suppress black turnout. And how could DoJ also refuse to pursue the New Black Panther Party scandal? Herman Cain and Ken Blackwell would have pursued it, for civil rights.

This is such incredible bullshit, and we don’t know who they’re expecting to fool. The opposite of what’s happening is happening, the two black Republican operatives can confirm.

[via Ed Kilgore]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      holy shit, Puck. My very first thought (and what I was rushing to comment) was they could have gotten Michael Steele and had an Uncle Tom Troika, but you really beat everyone on this one.

  1. guangho

    Once upon a time person A did a bad thing and since person B can be put into a social group that person A also belongs to, we should punish person B to show that we're serious about the bad thing person A did.

  2. Tyrannically_Joe

    I dunno, I think that url kinda gives up the game: Protecty our vote.

    As in, it's enhancing our (Republican) votes through underhanded means, which is similar to, but definitely not identical to, "protecting" said votes.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Hey, Scalia pointed out that the rights to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" does not necessarily encompass the right to not be wrongly executed by the state. So, I'd say that the right to vote doesn't HAVE to mean that your vote get counted toward the total votes.

          1. CthuNHu

            Can we get a Scalialand theme park alongside one of them there Bible-Flintstones-dinosaurs-Nessie-Creation theme parks, where everyone who always wanted to live in such a wonderful, magical place could go on vacation?

            And can all the rides, as well as the toilets, dunking stools, flagellariums, confessionals and the sign saying "Egress" all be cleverly disguised Sarlaccs?

            Thank you in advance, Santa.

      1. sullivanst

        Strange that the guy who said that life doesn't mean life, also voted to uphold mandatory "life means life" sentencing for kids.

  3. edgydrifter

    Shorter BS message: "Black folks can't be trusted. Trust us on this–we're black."

        1. fuflans

          well i don't know about that, but they sure are cretans.

          you know (and you probably do) my beloved fuflans is the etruscan version of pan / dionysus? only i spelled it wrong (fufluns is the preferred) so now i own my lesser spelling of a lower etruscan diety.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Yes, I figured that out, at some point. (Not the part about the misspelling – I just figured there must be two different transliterations).A very cool name. (Is there a reason not to capitalize the first letter? Not that you should, because the small “f” makes it even cooler.)—

          2. fuflans

            i would say ee cummings or something but mostly just lazy.

            though now i do remember me, i think i stopped capitalizing in the early days of email as some sort of protest at the lack of language skills typically displayed in business communication.

            (i was prouder and less destructible in my youth.)

            actually the variant spelling was from the economist. they did a book review of tuscan travel and (i will never forgot) approvingly noted the author's details like local deities: "the etruscan god of wine, pleasingly called 'fuflans'".

            i decided then and there my next cat would be named fuflans. and that became my thing even after darling fuflans died way too young back in '08.

            k now i have written too much as usual.

  4. MaxUdargo

    For the first time in my life as a Wonkette reader, I actually cannot bring myself to watch a posted video. This is as far as I go. I'm sorry. I can't go any further. I just want to rest. You'll all have to continue on without me. On your way back, if you need, feel free to use my body as an alternative source of food.

    1. Rotundo_

      Max, you have company, I am not getting out of the boat, I am not leaving the plane and climbing down the mountain, I am not gonna hit the silk. There are just some places and some posted videos not to go to. They can have the trail mix, the M&M's, the beef jerky, the Slim Jims, pork rinds, tater chips, Pepsi, Toll-House Cookies, just leave the rice cakes for a pillow for me, they have no known nutritive value that anyone is aware of…

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      Better we all wait here a day or two. By the time we come back this way, once the beasts of the forest are through with him, there won't be anything left.

    3. nonbeliever7

      It's really not that hard. I just assume most of these videos are unreleased Saturday Night Live skits with bad guest actors and low humor value.

  5. Callyson

    OK, about those New Black Panthers (all four of them): how the *hell* are they intimidating my ability to vote?

    Amusing me, yes, very much so, thanks, but intimidating? Um, no…

    1. SorosBot

      Because they were so black! By being so black and, you know, standing there, they made all the little white men run away intimidated and stuff.

      1. LesBontemps

        All the little white men in the Richard Allen Homes? Or do you mean that white boy the GOP sent over from Penn so they could then call in Fux Newz?

        1. sullivanst

          The former, which is why there was such a flood of them* telling the Bush DOJ they were intimidated.

          * There were none of them. Zero, nada, zip, zilch. Not one.

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      They definitely intimidated the College Republican who was videotaping and questioning them, judging from the quiver in his voice he seemd to have shit his pants in fear. No visible effect on the yuppie couple or the little old white lady with the walker who calmly walked in to vote while the camera was rolling.

  6. Callyson

    Why did the Department of Justice dismiss voter intimidation charges against the Black Panthers…why?

    Because they could not stop ROTFL long enough to add to their amusement by doing so…

  7. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    It's funny how Iraqis get purple fingers, and we get Diebold.

    I want a purple finger. I think it would do more good… easily identifiable, indelible.

    1. Rotundo_

      I like paper ballots where you make a nice big "X" or complete a solid line so they can be counted and recounted and counted again without the need of a machine as a sole instrument recording. Hard copy is a wonderful thing. Everyone should demand it.

      1. viennawoods13

        That's what do up here in Canuckistan, and hey, it works great! Nothing inefficient about it at all.

        1. CthuNHu

          Ditto in New Hampster.

          In the majority of towns and cities, machines read them. When there are recounts, by state law, people read them.

          1. viennawoods13

            Ours are read by humans always. I've been a scrutineer for a party in the polling station; at 8 pm the boxes get opened, ballots are dumped on a table, and the poll clerks sort them into piles. I got to point out one mistake when a ballot ended up in the wrong pile. Then they get counted, and usually within an hour the results are totaled up. It just makes so much sense.

  8. stroge

    its nice to know the day has finally come where black men will defend the ability for white men to disenfranchise them at the polls. now if some republican ladies will just stand up and work on repealing the 19th amendment we'll be one step closer to being the 1787 nation so many whites want us to be (but this time with automatic guns – for everyone!)

    1. Callyson

      now if some republican ladies will just stand up and work on repealing the 19th amendment

      I almost replied "Ann Coulter is on it," until I noted that you specified that "ladies" should work on that task…

      1. Designer_Radio

        I upfisted because I vaguely remember who she is from yesterday's Wonkette post. A week from now I'll go back to thinking Campbell Brown is a classic rock band, or maybe just the same thing as Steely Dan.

  9. SorosBot

    They're still going on about the two black guys who stood around and didn't actually influence anyone's vote in anyway? Gee, what next, are they going to rant about how Rutherford Hayes stole the election from Samuel Tilden?

      1. Chichikovovich

        Damn straight. Especially because the price the Hayes side paid the other side for not raising hell was the immediate withdrawal of Federal troops and the end of reconstruction. Hello, Klan, hello segregation!

          1. Chichikovovich

            I'm embarrassed to say I don't know that book – which one is it?

            (P.S. It's good to have an Ontario teacher in the neighborhood – my mother taught in northern Ontario for 35 years.)

          2. tessiee

            What th–??
            Are you Neil Young?*
            *I started re-watching "the Last Waltz" today, and just watched the part with the song "Helpless".

          3. Chichikovovich

            As you might imagine, there is considerable debate in northern Ontario about just what town Young is referring to in that song. He toured there in the mid-sixties with an early band, so he has some sense of the region. (He mentions Blind River in "Long May You Run", but as far as I know there are no other clues.)

            The Last Waltz version of "Helpless" is really pretty gripping. K.D. Lang has a breathtaking version of the song on the soundtrack of the movie Away from Her – that is worth tracking down too.

          4. bobbert

            Deploying my oldz badge — I attended the Last Waltz. (At that time, The Band was undoubtedly my favorite group).

            When Joni started singing backstage harmony, people actually stopped inhaling for a minute or two.

            BTW, the whole show was a bit of a of a stitch-up. Some of the guest artists were great, but some were more confused (Clapton was, unfortunately, among the confused, dammitall). Happily, the Band-only tunes, and the second half which added Mr Zimmermann, were easily worth the price of admission.

            BTW2, one cool thing, that does actually come across in the film, is that Ronnie Hawkins came out and performed like they were still his backup band. And they all went along with it, because old friends, I guess. I thought it was cool.

          5. Chichikovovich

            Well, I can sort of top that: I heard (but wasn't in a position to see) the Band at Le Coq D'Or in Toronto when they were still Ronnie Hawkins' backup band! I don't remember anything, because I was only 4-5 months in utero at the time, but my folks took an overnight train down to Toronto to spend a weekend, and they went to see Hawkins, who was the big show in town for young people.But man, it is soooooooo cool that you were at the Last Waltz. I'm also a big fan of The Band and I love the movie. I know what you mean about the inconsistent character of the performances – at one point I got hold of a bootleg with the raw soundboard audio, and it was at that point that I realized just how much cleaning up and overdubbing had to have been done on the Movie/Soundtrack polished version. —

          6. Chichikovovich

            Addendum: Actually they may also have played along because they realized they owed Hawkins a lot of thanks. He was an OK rock and roll singer, but mostly a fantastic showman with a phenomenal eye for talent. And at the time central Canada was his domain – so he would keep hiring new groups as opening acts, scouting the musicians, and then poaching the best of them for his own group. Then he would work them like a drill sergeant : Practice, practice, practice, constantly.

            After four years of this, his bands would be spectacularly tight. The next wave after The Band became The Full Tilt Boogie Band, that backed Janis Joplin on her last shows and the album Pearl. A whole generation of Canadian studio musicians, touring artists, major music producers like David Foster, went through his boot camp.

          7. viennawoods13

            I once walked past Ronnie Hawkins on my way to the washroom at the El Mocambo in Toronto. Sadly, that was more than 30 years ago. I am OLD.

          8. viennawoods13

            1876. Wherein Vidal waxes cynical about the American political system (again, but he does it SO well!) It's good to be an Ontario teacher right now… 3 more days…

          9. Chichikovovich

            Thanks – I'll put it on my "to read" list.

            I had forgotten that Ontario schools go until June 30 – Here in Michigan they finished weeks ago. No wonder it never seems as if my son's high school classes cover as much as mine did!

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Gladys Knight and The Pips were the hard-luck Motown Band. They just couldn't catch a break.

          When, at last, they had a real hit with "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" Marvin Gaye rushed out his cover and that was taken from them, as well.

          1. SorosBot

            But Midnight Train to Georgia is still one of the greatest songs ever recorded. And putting it on a jukebox is guaranteed to get a bar singing along.

          2. Tundra Grifter

            "I'll take 'Great Bar Sing-Along Songs' for $1,000, Alex."

            How about "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille?"

        2. Lube

          tOO Funney!!! but no thing for THREE HUORS~!!~!!! THATS TO LONG~~~~~!!!!!!!!


          1. Barb

            Lube, now that you are here you might as well explain to me the serious aggression you have toward me. You sit on your website and say the most vile things about me. You changed your name to "LouBarb" and you are focused on hating me. Now you've come here and you only reply to my comments so that you are assured that I will see you. Did I do something to you that I am unaware of?

          2. SorosBot

            OK, I just looked at Lube's history and – what the fuck? This person seems seriously mentally ill, unable to type properly, and obsessed with you. Urgh.

          3. Barb

            I know, like I need this shit right now. Seven day-old Mina's infection is down enough to have her open heart surgery in the morning and I am sweating this SHIT?

          4. SorosBot

            Damn; really, really sorry to hear that, our thoughts are all with her. And this shit is – what the fuck?

          5. Chichikovovich

            I hope the infection is not too serious – my son had one too when he was born prematurely. Once the water breaks, a major protection against infection for the child is lost. If labor is delayed, an infection becomes a near certainty. So I hope it is just such a routine, expected infection.

            We'll be thinking of you and your family tomorrow morning.

          6. Callyson

            Shit, my thoughts are with you…and her…

            Ignore this other unimportant shit–we at Wonkette love you!

          7. Barb

            Morning Callyson! Love you back.

            I think Lube wants me to go away and cry. Don't like me? Tough! I ain't going anywhere.
            I think the calls are coming from inside the house, lol.

            Let's snark like the wind!

          8. Chichikovovich

            Yes, I checked the history too. There is something seriously wrong there. I've alerted Rebecca that there is an issue, let's pay careful attention to this from here on.

          9. redarmyzombie

            Dear Lube,

            Why don't you stop harassing people and go fuck yourself with a curling iron, you weasel-sucking bucket of festering shit herpes.

          10. redarmyzombie

            Barb, my sleep schedule is so remarkably inconsistent I think it hates me sometimes. Occasionally, it's in alignment with everyone else, and some of the time it's in inverse proportion, and some times it won't even let me sleep until a full 48 hours have passed. On the plus side, some of my best thinking comes at night, so there's that.

            Oh, and Lube is an ass-whoring monkey fucker who needs to crawl in a hole and shit himself to death.

            (That's not a violation of Commenting Rule #2, is it?)

          11. Barb

            Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, Red.

            Do you go on long periods of sleep? If I could eliminate one part of my life it would be the time wasted sleeping. I don't like to sleep and I never have, not even as a teen. I sleep for short periods of time, my mind races, I flip the pillow to the cool side and then I stare at the ceiling.

          12. redarmyzombie

            'S okay. And no, I don't have long periods of sleep, I just go through a normal cycle until I'm not tired anymore, then repeat.

            Though sometimes I wish I could have just a nice long nap; I actually used to hate sleep too as a kid. Like you said, just a long waste of time. I like it better now though. My dreams have become more frequent, where as a kid I would have them MAYBE once every two weeks. I'm a bit of a writer, and lately the experiences I've had in my dream cycle have helped me in that regard, so sometimes I rather welcome it.

            And sometimes yeah, I do scream "Fuck you, I don't WANNA go to sleep!"

          13. redarmyzombie

            Oh, coffee is wonderful! If it weren't for coffee, I'd be declared clinically dead each morning.

    1. dogscantlookup

      If we only had a T.A.R.D.I.S. to send them to the 1850s I'm sure they would be happier,
      isn't that what these fucktards say they want to go back to?
      I hope they have fun!

  10. neiltheblaze

    Ken Blackwell was suppressing the right to vote when Herman Cain was just another horny executive.

  11. BloviateMe


    I'm just waiting for a video showing why it's American to throw kittens in a burlap sack and beat them with a tire iron, cuz at this point, why not?

  12. SorosBot

    They actually flat-out lie and say, "Why is Eric Holder demanding that Florida stop removing illegal voters from their rolls?" Uh, no, he's demanding that Florida stop removing legal voters from their rolls. Stop lying.

    1. Designer_Radio

      I saw the lyingest lyin' liar political commercial before I left the house – some bitch in a lab coat (she's a doctor!) talking about how Obamacare is "Just Not Worth It" cuz it'll cost HUNDREDSABILLIONZADOLLARZ and it's "Just Not Working". If I was Elvis I woulda shot my teevee. I would've just laughed, but people actually believe that horseshit.

  13. bikerlaureate

    Martin Luther King Jr. never ran a fever high enough to imagine shit like this.

    "Nice voter registration card ya got there. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it…"

  14. Callyson

    Contact Eric Holder…tell him to do his job


    Dear Attorney General Holder:

    Please continue to stand up against voter suppression tactics disguised as "voter fraud" initiatives. Thank you.

    Sincerely yours,




  15. Tundra Grifter

    Funny how the first name on Mr. Blackwell's list of the 10 Dumbest Republicans is Ken Blackwell.

  16. LesBontemps

    Why did the Department of Justice dismiss voter intimidation charges against the Black Panthers?

    Maybe it was because they couldn't find any voters who were intimidated?

    But hey, I've got some questions for ol' Herb, too. Why did those women dismiss their sexual harassment claims against you? Why? Because they were paid to?

  17. coolhandnuke

    Just like his 9-9-9 tax plan, Herman Cain poached this idea from another video game–"Grand Theft Autocrat."

  18. Ëxtëmpöränüs


    Fuck you, too, Ken "My Last Name is Ironically Oxymoronic" Blackwell. This whole Republican voter ID terrorism campaign has me more pissed off than anything else this year, especially because it could actually fucking work.

    Also, it is the very definition of undemocratic, flat-out fucking cruel to seniors (many of whom have been fighting against disenfranchisement of one kind or another for more than half a century), further unmoors (see what i did there?) the adrift and disadvantaged, alienates already apathetic and uninvolved youth, and I obviously just watched the goddamn video and I'm going to have a shot and a shot and a shot and a shot and a fap and a cigarette and a shot and try to calm down.

    Or maybe I'll go outside and just cold cold-cock the first wide tie-wearing, triple-breasted suit-shucking, sellout motherfucker I see.

    Perhaps we should vote on it…PSYCH!!

  19. Trannysurprise

    It's getting easier to tell the "house" help from the "field" help all the time.

  20. rickmaci

    Wonder how much money the Koch boys threw in to fund TomPac so these two blahtards could make a living trying to put this shit on TV?

    1. fuflans

      yeah i was thinking 'shameful' but 'disgusting' is equally apt.

      really, i haven't been snark worthy all day. i spent the afternoon listening to seniors rant on about 'this administration' 'stealing their savings' and 'destroying their healthcare' and i am pretty much only fit for the bottle.

  21. Goonemeritus

    Since gun crimes are committed by gun owner’s maybe we should purge the voting roles of all NRA members until they can prove they’re eligible. I’m sure the GOP wouldn’t want potential past or future felons to vote.

  22. Beowoof

    Maybe Ken and Herm could share some of that Koch cash they are getting paid to make up horseshit such as this with the new Black Panthers and then the new Panthers wouldn't be so pissed off anymore.

      1. not that Radio

        WTF? Don't get between a Real American and his Diabetes Cookies.

        Brent Johnson removing oreo from my page now
        2 hours ago Like 1

        Do people actually follow Oreo on facebook? What motivates someone to do that? Have we all gone insane?

  23. BarackMyWorld

    Um…everyone realizes all the New Black Panthers did to "suppress the vote" was stand around outside a polling place in a black neighborhood, right?

    I think they're jerks, but saying standing around outside a polling place is voter suppression, while actually kicking people off the voter roles isn't, is wingnut illogic stretched to the breaking point.

    1. Redgyal

      All wing nut logic is at the breaking point. And you must not have gotten the memo, the voters who were suppressed by the Black Panthers were the white people watching it on Fox…because they were scared.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wingnuttery "stretches" about as well as Play-Doh. What makes it useful is how easily it's molded.

  24. iburl

    The only person in these United States I'd trust less with conducting a fair election than Ken Blackwell is Karl Turdblossom Rove.

    Now I can imagine what a Hitler and Göring video about Jewish civil rights would look like.

  25. CthuNHu

    Hello, I'm a puffy-faced Negro former officeholder with a mustache.

    And I'm a fully psychotic puffy-faced Negro wannabe officeholder with a mustache.

    And we'd like to warn you about the number one threat that this great nation faces:

    A Negro officeholder with a mustache.

    Trust us on this one — you just can't trust people like that.




    [I didn't actually watch this abomination, but I pretty much nailed it, right?]

  26. Troglodeity

    Waiting for the "" ad featuring Phyllis Schlafly and Christine O'Donnell.

  27. Butch_Wagstaff

    Armstrong Williams & Allen Keyes are so pissed that they weren't asked to be a part of this.

  28. glamourdammerung

    Herman "Sexual Predator" Cain, noted serial sexual harasser, is going on about civil rights?

    Also, why are the teabaggers playing the "race card" here?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Remember when Black Republicans were people like Senator Edward Brooke?

      Remember when there were any Republicans like Senator Edward Brooke?


    2. Negropolis

      I'm so glad they left the Republican Party. Even when it was the anti-slavery party, it was still the party of business interests.

  29. BoroPrimorac

    What, they couldn't book Katherine Harris and James O'Keefe so they went with these two dumb fucks?

  30. proudgrampa

    Swear to God. This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen.

    Cain is a freakin' JOKE.

  31. Isyaignert

    They just had to have Governor Skellator for the token white guy. That dood creeps me out.

    1. scvirginia

      I had a feeling that was a misrepresentation to lure me in, so I resisted. Glad to have my suspicion confirmed- thanks!

    1. viennawoods13

      I'm sad about that. I love her essays- she always seems to be speaking directly to me.

      1. MosesInvests

        One of my favorite Nora Ephron lines:
        "They told me I was 'too New York', which I guess is a polite way of being anti-Semitic."

    2. SorosBot

      Whatever anyone thinks about her later works, When Harry Met Sally is quite possibly the greatest romantic comedy ever made.

  32. tessiee

    With that doofy brown suit, he has the nerve to put *other* people on the Worst Dressed List?

  33. chascates

    Things not looking good for old Charley:
    Adriano Espaillat 56.3%
    Charles B. Rangel Incumbent 34.5%

  34. Negropolis

    I can't snak about this. There is a special place in hell for people who deal in this kind of blatant deception. It'd be easy to call them Uncle Toms, but that would even be an insult to the actual character

  35. chascates

    He's turned it around!

    U.S. House District 13 Dem – Primary: 82 of 506 precincts – 16 percent

    Charles Rangel (i) 3,404 – 56 percent
    Adriano Espaillat 1,773 – 29 percent

  36. chascates

    And the Hatch Man is looking to come back. From the Salt Lake Trib:
    Hatch was leading by better than two-to-one with about 30,000 votes counted in the state’s most populous county.

    1. bobbert

      I don't think it's Stockholm Syndrome — these clowns have never been held hostage. It's more like "Reagan Syndrome" — "The system worked for me, so it must work for everybody. Oh, and I've got mine."

      1. SorosBot

        It's probably more simple than that – "I'll get (more of) mine by playing the minstrel". Call it Amos 'n Andy syndrome (if Amos 'n Andy were actually black).

  37. valthemus

    This blah wants nothing to do with Ken and Herman. Should I lighten my skin and get a new nose like Michael Jackson, or is that what killed him?

    1. scvirginia

      I don't want anything to do with Romney, Rove, Cheney, et al., but I doubt a dark tan will help me any more than your going MJ. All we can do is laugh at 'em all.

  38. bobbert

    Incidentally — and I realize that he is only one of a long list, but — how is it that Ken Blackwell is not in prison?

  39. Negropolis

    The ghost of MLK is so going to get these two, you guys. You don't even know.

    This is why Romney can't win. He just can't. I don't know if I could take it. Dubya's two wins (or one appointment/elevation and one steal) were already pushing the limit. For Obama to be taken down because of all of this would just be too much.

  40. Negropolis

    OT: Hey Michiganders, have you seen eccentric, Detroit attorney Geoffrey Fieger's (Kevorkian's lawyer) latest ad for his firm where he just cold calls Obama's more irrational critics racists? The comercial is striking because it's what the base has been saying, but he's actually put his money where his mouth is. He's Trumpian in his self-promotion, and he's totally using this ad to prepare to run for the mayor of Detroit, if you ask me, but I saw the ad and I was just flat stunned. Totally didn't expect it.

    EDIT: Tried linking to it, and my post kept getting deleted. Anyway, Google it.

  41. BaldarTCrabass

    I like how Herman says we should keep politics out of the DOJ. I wonder where he was when Alberto Gonzales fired all those US Attorneys for, uh, political reasons.

  42. calboy2

    Back in my day we called these douche bags Oreos — but these guys have a poisonous filling

  43. elburritodeluxe

    If Herman Cain puts as much effort into getting out the black vote for Republicans as he did to hide his numerous affairs, Barack Obama's going to be in big trouble.

  44. outragedcitizen

    What's so sad is these two clowns don't notice the Cock brothers and their kind laughing their asses off at the two stupid black guys fucking over their own people.

  45. thefrontpage

    Herman Cain and Ken Blackwell were seen at The Eagle and Town nightclubs in D.C. the other night, both in full leather outfits and both of them were holding riding crops and whips.

  46. fuflans

    i love you soros but there is no way in hell i'm clicking on anything associated with the TX republican party unless it's 'TX republican party finally overtaken by demographics, dies.'

  47. C_R_Eature

    Well, why not:

    We, the 2012 Republican Party of Texas, believe in this platform and expect our elected leaders to uphold these truths through acknowledgement and action. We believe in:
    1.Strict adherence to the original intent of the Declaration of Independence and U.S. and Texas Constitutions.

    Flintlocks for all!

    2.The sanctity of human life, created in the image of God, which should be protected from fertilization to natural death.
    Call the Miscarriage Police! natural Death? Oh well, there goes Rule #8

    3.Preserving American and Texas Sovereignty and Freedom.
    With all those billions of Federal Dollars for all those Federal Military installations.

    4.Limiting government power to those items enumerated in the U.S. and Texas Constitutions.
    Well, there goes the Houston Spaceflight Center!

    5.Personal Accountability and Responsibility.
    Good idea, You first and take George Bush with you.

    6.Self-sufficient families, founded on the traditional marriage of a natural man and a natural woman.
    So, no Supernatural Men and Women, then?

    7.Having an educated population, with parents having the freedom of choice for the education of their children.
    Educated. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    8.Americans having the right to be safe in their homes, on their streets, and in their communities, and the unalienable right to defend themselves.
    I'm all for that. Keep off of My lawn then, you Scum.

    9.A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies.
    Somalia. It's nice this time of year.

    10.Honoring all of those that serve and protect our freedom.
    I like this one. How about honoring our military by not hurling them into ill-considered foreign for-profit wars while you sit at home and stick yellow ribbon magnets on your trucks, for Freedom?

    11. "The laws of nature and nature’s God” as our Founding Fathers believed.
    I have it on good authority that Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and Benjamin Franklin were secret Pastafarians. Ben saw the Beer Volcano in his dreams.

    And now for some selected bits:

    Campaign Finance Reform – We urge immediate repeal of the McCain-Feingold Act.
    AH, HA HA HA HAHAHAHAH you guys kill me.

    Religious Symbols – We oppose any governmental action to restrict, prohibit, or remove public display of the Decalogue or other religious symbols

    American English – We support adoption of American English as the official language of Texas and of the United States.

    Flag Desecration – Any form of desecration of the American Flag is an act of disregard for our nation and its people and penalties should be established for such.

    Health Care ― Health care decisions should be between a patient and health care professional and should be protected from government intrusion.

    This would seem to be in direct conflict with this plank: PROTECTING INNOCENT HUMAN LIFE
    which has 28 categories; category 3 having 7 subcategories. They really thought this one through. One line on education but, hey, never mind, it's Texas Jake.

    This one really keeps me up at night:
    Unprocessed Foods ― We support the availability of natural, unprocessed foods, including, but not limited to, the right to access raw milk.

    There's way more crazy, but my special steel Colander helmet is in the shop getting de-Gaussed now. I'm done.

  48. Butch_Wagstaff

    Do we really need Texas as a state anymore?
    I mean, we have so many others that are way better.
    Can't we just…y'know, give it away?

  49. glamourdammerung

    I liked their stance against teaching "critical thinking".

    I wish I were making that up.

  50. Callyson

    We, the 2012 Republican Party of Texas, believe in this platform and expect our elected leaders to uphold these truths through acknowledgement and action. We believe in:
    9. A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies.

    So, the Reeps will come out against subsidies for the oil companies now? Because I'm sure the GOP wants to stand by its principles…

    Oh, God, I needed that good laugh…

  51. BaldarTCrabass

    Texas Republicans apparently have a serious inferiority complex with regards to Arizona, and are trying to compensate.

  52. chascates

    Be prepared to wait until the sea levels rise so much that San Antonio is under water.

  53. SorosBot

    OK, but here's a preview, from page 5:

    "We urge that the Voter Rights Act of 1965 codified and updated in 1973 be repealed and not reauthorized."

  54. SorosBot

    Limiting government power to those items enumerated in the U.S. and Texas Constitutions

    And yet, they quickly violate that with the following:

    traditional marriage of a natural man and a natural woman
    We oppose any governmental action to restrict, prohibit, or remove public display of the Decalogue or other religious symbols
    Any form of desecration of the American Flag is an act of disregard for our nation and its people and penalties should be established for such
    which is actually about punishing the ladies for having vaginas

    And many other bits. They are, however, very protective of the "right" of parents to beat their children.

  55. tessiee

    "We support adoption of American English as the official language of Texas and of the United States."

    The only way this could be better is if "official" were mispeled.

  56. Chichikovovich

    Further comments:
    10.Honoring all of those that serve and protect our freedom.

    Later, one of the ways they apparently want to "honor" Veterans is by privatizing the Veterans Administration hospitals. Have they asked the Veterans if they are happy about that?

    Flag Desecration – Any form of desecration of the American Flag is an act of disregard for our nation and its people and penalties should be established for such.

    Unclear scope for "as such" but it sure seems as if they are saying that desecrating the American Flag is a form of "disregard for our nation and its people", and that penalties should be established for disregarding our nation and its people. (And as a special case of that: flag desecration should carry penalties just like the other kinds of disregard.)

    So make sure you say really nice things about America and Americans all the time. And pay a lot of attention to them, because they hate to be disregarded! It'll cost you big if you don't.

    Health Care ― Health care decisions should be between a patient and health care professional and should be protected from government intrusion.

    What? How can they write this with a straight face. Half the platform is about intruding on decisions that should be between a patient and a health care professional only.

    A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies.

    How many billions of dollars in subsidies to oil companies were just passed? Remarkably, I cannot remember a single Texas Republican getting upset about that.

    But seeing that Congress is just about to pass – if they haven't passed already – a continuation of the massively subsidized flood insurance program that is just a massive transfer of taxpayer money to homeowners on (for example) the Gulf of Mexico, I expect that the principled, honest Texans will be opposed to this "government interference". Especially [flood -prone] Galveston's Congressman Ron Paul, who is known to hate this kind of thing. The free market will offer more attractive, cheaper flood insurance – you'll see!

  57. C_R_Eature

    Almost everything that I see the current crop of US Conservatives do reminds me of this line in the Downing Street Memo: ""But the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy."
    I know that in British English that usage of "fixed" is commonly assumed to be more like "Affixed" rather than "Altered" but it's significant as a Meme, I think.
    These people will do anything, say anything, write anything and construct all manner of elaborate rationales to get at their final objective. It doesn't have to make any kind of sense or be logically consistent with previous or current policy. Any means will be used and the ends justify any means.
    These documents are appalling enough to read as a lay Citizen. They must be doubly appalling to read as a lawyer. You have my sympathies.

  58. scvirginia

    The only lives they want to protect are theirs, and "innocent life"- the unborn. If you have been born, and you are not me, your life is worth nothin'.

  59. SorosBot

    Oh, and I just noticed this part:

    Classroom Discipline –We recommend that local school boards and classroom teachers be given more authority to deal with disciplinary problems. Corporal punishment is effective and legal in Texas.

    Yes, the Texans actually do support beating children. In school, too. Fuck these are vile excuses for humans.

  60. C_R_Eature

    Yes. I think you need to write them a short note and suggest the correct spellign of "Oficial".
    Quick, befure sumone finds out and publicaly embarassesses themb!

  61. C_R_Eature

    Honestly Chich, I've stopped trying to make any sense or see any consistency in the modern American Right Wing. This document looks to me like somebody plugged a mic feed from a particularly unhinged Glen Beck episode into a PC running Dragon voice transcription software. This contains almost every fringe RW shibboleth of the past 20 years. I'm surprised there isn't a prohibition against forced Government microchipping, Mind Control via HF microwaves and Communist conspiracies to sap and impurify our Precious Bodily Fluids.
    Of course, I did skim some parts and those planks may just be hiding there. I'm not going back to find out, though.

  62. bobbert

    As you well know, the answer to the apparent logical dissonance is simple.

    They are liars. While many liars will strive for consistency (to increase their chance of being believed), consistency is not a requirement.

  63. BoroPrimorac

    "A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies."

    I'm all for this. Let's remove the military bases and let's see how fast Texas descends into chaos as a result. Fucking hypocrites.

  64. SorosBot

    Well they do have planks against the government turning vitamins into prescription-only medications, which is a new one to me.

  65. C_R_Eature

    It's like Dis: Youse Guys bedda speak American English or Us Guys'll tune you up, Capice? You talk Forrin? Fuggeddaboudit!

  66. SorosBot

    We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority.

    Yep, no thinking for children; parents must be allowed to brainwash them into being little clones of them. It's sickening.

  67. bobbert

    Are you shitting me?

    I thought I had reached my limit of disgust with Republican stupidity, but fuck me. These schmucks are officially opposed to thinking.

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