Greatest libertarian everThe Senate is trying to pass a flood insurance bill, and all Rand Paul wants to do is improve the quality of flood insurance that Americans nationwide will enjoy in the years ahead. Specifically, he wants to add a lil’ Life at Conception Act, which would “ensure equal protection for right to life of each born and preborn human person.” Why won’t Harry Reid bring this amendment to a vote on a flood insurance bill?

Rand Paul has spent his early summer offering all sorts of practical amendments, like one for the farm bill that would cut off aid to Pakistan. That was germane enough, but this one, to attach life-begins-at-conception language to a flood insurance bill, is hella germane like the dickens. And yet pro-life Mormon Harry Reid won’t allow this, because he loves abortion:

“I’m told last night that one of our Republican senators wants to offer an amendment — listen to this one — wants to offer an amendment on when life begins,” Reid said. “There will not be a vote on that on flood insurance. We’ll either do flood insurance with amendments that deal with flood insurance, or we won’t do it, we’ll have an extension.

“I don’t understand what this is all about,” Reid added. “But I want everyone to know: This flood insurance is extremely important. The big pushers of this bill are Republicans senators, veteran Republican senators.

“They better work on their side of the aisle, because I am not going to put up with that,” he concluded. “If the Republicans won’t stand up to that, to the person who’s going to that, I’m not going to.”

Stand your ground, Rand Paul!

[The Hill]

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  • kissawookiee

    Why does Harry Reid want all the fertilized eggs to drown when they don't even have tiny arms to put tiny, tiny water wings on? MONSTER.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Helpless little eggs, drowning in a sea of sperm, need flood insurance. Really, it makes perfect sense.

  • Barb

    Yeah, we need some of that flood insurance, fuck health insurance.

    • LOL!!!!!

    • HistoriCat

      Actually, we do – well, some us do. If your home is in a flood plain, you may be required by your mortgage company to buy it. A couple years ago when there was a gap between the old extension and the new extension (because the Republicans are assholes who hold up everything), you couldn't buy flood insurance – and there were people who couldn't close on their houses because of this situation.

  • Now now, just as floods begin with each little raindrop, so too does life begin at sperm formation…

    • Buckminster

      Now, there's some rock-solid "scientific" proof! Why are these godless lib'rals trying to put Rand Paul's ideas down?

  • The flood insurance bill is nothing but gubermint intrusion on American's rights to be blessed by God's righteous rainstorms. Did Noah have flood insurance???? Did these liberals ever hear of sandbags????

    It's not in the constitution and it's probably just something those National Geographic scientists have dreampt up while they were inventing this global warming nonsense.

    • emmelemm

      "Did Noah have flood insurance?"

      I declare that the Win of the Week. (In my book.)

      • scvirginia

        Yes, he did have flood insurance. It was called an ark.

        • anniegetyerfun

          That's not insurance. That's an escape vehicle.

          • scvirginia

            Either way, I live near the coast, so I'd better find some good planks & start buildin'.

  • veritass

    What's a fake doctor to do when he can't even get a Life at Conception amendment added to a flood insurance bill? I have an idea:

    Next time he's in a bathroom he should stand his ground against that guy in the mirror. Quick Rand, he's comin' right for you!

  • larrykat

    I would expect germaine, water-related amendments from someone who worships the Aqua-Buddha for christ's sake.

    • sati_demise

      bizarre religious connection to Paul trivia win

  • elburritodeluxe

    This bill is too important not to play politics with it.

  • It seems based on Rand's contradictory views, "What I give a shit about life begins at conception and ends at the vagina."

  • CrunchyKnee

    Can't wait to see what the Paultards have to say about young Randy this time.

    • Estproph

      They'll say the same thing they always say:

      HAHAHAHAHA Look at me! I'm flying and I'm made out of mayonnaise!

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        "Ron Paul! He challenges the status quo! Dude, where's the 7-11? I'm sooo baked! Wait, is that the cops? Do you guys hear sirens? Oh man, fuck! We better pull over, man! Fuck!"
        And they haven't even pulled out of the parking spot.

  • Chris

    Trust Rand, he's a doctor.

    • Not_So_Much

      That's what his made-up certificate from his made-up organization says.

    • emmelemm

      No, he just plays one on TV.

  • CindynEncinitas

    Let's see: Rand Paul has been married for 22 years but he ONLY HAS THREE KIDS. Does that mean he's had sex 3 times? How did he control the size of his family without birth control? Did he force his wife to bow down and pay homage to each and every one of his little Teabagger sperm? Cuz he sure thinks a lot of the little boogers!

    • Billmatic


    • AbandonHope

      Even if he has only had sex three times, what about all the millions of other sperm that didn't manage to fertilize each of those three eggs? And worse, he had to know that only one of those millions of sperm would be successful each time they did it.

      I say we charge him with several million counts of premeditated murder.

    • SorosBot

      Would you want to have sex with that more than three times?

    • Barrelhse

      Wife has a strap-on.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Rand often has that look like he's beggin' for a peggin'.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This makes sense, as can you imagine how gross a flood of aborted fetuses would be?

  • hollywooddood

    This is why we need a federal Department of Vaginal Management.

    • CindynEncinitas

      It will just be immediately overrun with lobbyists from the Ladybusiness…

    • Rotundo_

      I am sure that Mittens will create a cabinet level position for it, perhaps something a little less gender specific (so it can cover all the moral bases) like the Department of Genital Meddling and Window-Peeking or something.

      • tessiee

        "Department of Genital Meddling"

        They don't want genital meddling, they only want vagina meddling.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Raising hand to volunteer as Vaginal Management Czar.

    • sati_demise

      Sorry, but you cannot say that word in Gopperville.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Will the headquarters be in Virginia?

  • BaldarTCrabass

    "One of these things is not like the others."

  • Warpde

    Now if they just passed a bill to increase the number of dykes in Amerka.
    Both problems solved.

    • BaldarTCrabass

      *calls broker*
      "Put everything in Subaru."

      • tessiee

        What th–??
        What's the deal with Lesbians and Subarus?
        Is that a thing, or just a stereotype?

        • BaldarTCrabass

          It's a thing and a stereotype.

        • Biff

          Also, plaid.

    • arihaya

      finally, a dyke joke

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I assume that on the Defense Authorization bill a smart democrat is going to offer an amendment allowing for free, government supplied pot.

  • Rand is just upset that Wes Riddle is getting all the conspiracy press over Barry giving Vlad Putin Wasilla and half the Aleutian Islands or whatever.

    • LetUsBray

      So… yet another reason to vote for the prez.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    Who needs flood insurance? Just make some sacrifices to "Aqua" Buddha and all will be well!

  • Estproph

    Flood Insurance, Life Begins At Conception…what's the difference? They're all just words.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Can we all agree that, at least to the GOP, all problems in America can be taken care of by sewing up women's lady parts.

    But there is no war on women. No siree…, I saw that on FOX News.

  • MissTaken

    Noah didn't have an abortion during the flood, so neither can you!

    • Callyson

      I take it the flood happened after Noah got his period then. How convenient.

      • It was a good thing, too. He's such a bithch when he has PMS.

  • RayneMan

    Rand got a little confused…you'll have to pardon him.

    He thought flood insurance meant the flood of sperm into naughty girl parts. (the 'V' word)

    • MissTaken

      He's writing the Rand Paul Medical Desk Reference and changing the currently accepted terms vagina, labia, and uterus to "Naughty Girl Parts That Must Never Be Mentioned".

  • Life at Conception Act

    But, as far as they're concerned, it all still ends at birth, so there's that…..

  • MissTaken

    Maybe Rand has a point. Each time I see that picture of him puckered up my legs immediately clinch, so I certainly have no need for abortion. QED!

  • Callyson

    Yeah, because it's not as if Kentucky has ever needed insurance against floods or anything…


    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Also the flooding in Bell County, KY a year ago.

  • SoBeach

    That scamp. Trying to sneak in an amendment voters would reject by a wide margin… Such a rascal, that one.

  • AbandonHope

    Ah, screw the whole "life begins at conception" thing. You really want to be edgy, conservatives, state that life begins as soon as you conceive of it. I just thought of a baby — crap, now I have to make it real or it's an abortion!

    Anyways, it's no more stupid than other definitions.

    • MissTaken

      I just conceived of a million dollars! I'm rich beotch!

      • AbandonHope

        Nice try, but first you need to make like Dr. Frankenstein and bring those dollars to life. (See "storms, electrical" for further details.)

      • SorosBot

        AbandonHope's comment made me think of having a baby, so I think that means you're pregnant; fuck.

      • Stabby McBobblehead

        That means you can afford to fly to cool countries to have an abortion. Abortion Tourism will be a growth industry for the age.

    • sati_demise

      That is the law in Az.

      You are considered pregnant 2 weeks before conception in that state for the purpose of legal abortion.

    • extreme_left

      Won't somebody think of the sperm? every one is alive and should be protected! I call for a ban on socks.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    He might benefit from a plank to the forehead.

    • Buckminster

      Or a boot to the head in general.

  • Floods, monthly floods, and babies!
    See the connection now?!
    Gah, people!

  • edgydrifter

    If a fetus doesn't want to get its ass aborted, it can bribe the doctor.
    Free market rulez!!!

    • Callyson

      How many chickens do doctors require to abort an abortion?

      I know, I know, AOTK…

  • Ëxtëmpöränüs

    "Doctor, my water just broke!"

    "Hope ya gots flood insurance! Har-har herpty-derp derp!"

    • ReelSmartKate

      It only covers the clean up…..

  • Fairtackle

    I am waiting for a "Twinkle in Daddy's Eye" amendment.

    • tessiee

      Everyone is pregnant from the moment they're born!
      Boys, too!
      You go directly from being a fetus to being pregnant!

  • SorosBot

    But they are libertarians, so they support freedom!

    -Except for those of you with vaginas, dark skin, who like other men's penises, or who just don't have much money.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Ah, multiple choice. I am good at these.


    • Buckminster

      Well of course. Some animals are more equal than other animals.

      • Rotundo_

        And Republicans are the most equal of them all. doG Bless them one and all!

  • Actually, he might have a point about flood insurance: it's kind of pointless to keep paying people to live near rivers and oceans that, you know, flood them out of house and home. Once, twice, I can see. After that, condemn the land and move on.

    If that's his point in introducing this amendment, well, he can find a more palatable amendment to propose, I would think.

    • Woodshedding

      That's already accounted for. After 2 or 3 claims, they project what they might be paying you over the next 20 years and if it's n% of your home's value, you have to either move the structure or raise it.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Yes. Many of these areas are "100-Year Flood Plains" – the disasters are not supposed to be annual events.

        People keep rebuilding in "Tornado Alley" – does it makes sense?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Life begins when you move away for the first time.

  • hagajim

    Gotta love the small gubmint assholes.

  • I'm confused. Why doesn't he just wait for the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade, 5 to 4? It should be coming up very soon on their agenda.

  • Stabby McBobblehead

    Stand your ground Rand…what could go wrong?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Libertarians were much more fun when nobody was voting for them. Classic case of bait-and-switch?

  • Mmm…fetuses.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Especially when marinated in steak marinade with ginger and rum. And grilled on a cedar plank.

      • tessiee

        Fetus donuts for dessert!
        And fetus mojitos (it even rhymes) with an ultrasound wand stirrer.

  • coolhandnuke

    Hey Rand, just build a fucking Ark…there's your insurance.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Isn't every person who will be birthed on this planet until the end of time a "preborn human being?"

    • Buckminster

      Can't we just order one on ebay and skip the whole conception thingy?

  • bikerlaureate

    "Germane" isn't just a potato salad, Senator.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I do think his single got all the way to 10 in the top 40.

      • tessiee

        A snack tray for you if you can name the actual single.

    • Tundra Grifter

      If I could upfist your comment twice I would.

  • Best Physician Ever, too, since even the phrase "Life begins at conception" evinces a profoundly flawed understanding of the biology of fertilization, gestation, and development.

    • scvirginia

      Biology, shmyology… science pffft!

  • Guppy

    If I didn't know better, I'd almost say Reid had a spine.

  • MissTaken

    If Scotland had flood insurance the Loch Ness Monster wouldn't have a place to live and she'd be unable to prove to the children of the great state of Louisiana that evolution is fake. This amendment is just Rand saving us from ourselves.

  • chascates

    Entirely appropriate! 'Life begins at conception' is a tsunami of bullshit.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Life begins when the sperms shoot out, but sperms don't need flood insurance. They can swim!

  • fawkedifiknow

    This amendment is to flood insurance as Rand Paul is to ophthalmologist: Unrelated.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Do you guys know who else was germane?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Ms. Greer?

    • Tundra Grifter

      The Kaiser?

    • TribecaMike


    • glasspusher

      Seems to me Dr. Paul emits a lot of methane.

    • jodyleek

      Michael Jackson's brother?

    • arihaya


    • tessiee

      This guy:

      Goddamn, I miss the 80s!

  • MissTaken

    How is babby drowned?

  • Buckminster

    This is why if a congressional bill were a human being, it would look like the Elephant Man.

  • I've always wondered: if life begins at conception, doesn't that mean that identical twins are actually one life? So, if I murder one twin, by, say, letting a flood-damaged building collapse on them, I should really only get charged with assault, because each twin is individually only one half of a life.

    • HistoriCat

      This comment is sheer genius.

    • Boojum

      But what is the half-life of a twin?

  • In a perfect world, Rand Paul (among many others) would be held in contempt of Congress for that stupid obstructive bullshit.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Sadly, we live in another world.

  • scorpy1

    Figures that a doctor who's only been certified by his own company probably doesn't know where to stick his tools.

    • emmelemm

      Isn't he an optomologist or something, also, too?

  • lochnessmonster

    I'm for an amendment that bans attaching unrelated crap to bills. What ever happened to clean legislation and the "up or down vote"?

    • bobbert

      White House. Black Guy.

  • anniegetyerfun

    No lie: I didn't know Harry Reid was Mormon. I have no idea how this escaped me.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Funny how it's such a big deal for (r)Money but never seems to come up with Harry Reid.

      Steve Young is a Mormon. Also. He founded a charity that provides college scholarships to First Americans.

      • bobbert

        It doesn't come up much with respect to Harry because he's a Mormon who has only ever run for office in an overwhelmingly-Mormon state. Usually against other Mormons.

      • Negropolis

        When Reid starts advocating for the abolition of abortion, holding against gay marriage, etc because of his religion…then we can talk about his religion.

        That's the great thing about Democrats; so long as you recognize a secular government, you can believe whatever else the fuck you want in your private life.

    • He doesn't wear his magic underwear on his sleeve?

    • Negropolis

      It's easy to forget or not to know because he's generally not a prig about it. That's true of more Democrats than Republicans, because too many Republicans want an honest-to-god theocracy.

  • shiningmathpath

    his next plank sets Pi equal to 3

    because it honors the Trinity, also too

  • Troglodeity

    This is fine, but passing the Affordable Care Act by a 60-40 margin was a gross miscarriage of representative government.

  • Randy's brains must have been washed away when his mother's water broke.

  • ttommyunger

    There's a plank out by the back porch I'd like to add to the side of this mouth-breather's head; and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

  • TribecaMike

    With apologies to Mr. Dylan:

    Now, don't you try an' move me
    You're just gonna lose
    There's a crash on the levee
    And, Randy, you've been refused
    Well, it's fetus for fetus
    And Galt for Galt
    If you go down in the flood
    It's gonna be your own fault

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Germane?" Are we back to that umlaut thingie again?

  • mavenmaven

    He was being gentle, he was also going to add a teeny little amendment requiring a return to the gold standard.

  • Woodshedding

    OK, wait. I HAVE flood insurance. The last few years, communications about it have come from the Department of Homeland Security.

    So all I can imagine that a NEW flood insurance bill – BACKED BY SENIOR REPUBLICANS – would entail would be taking AWAY that protection. Or maybe saying if you file a claim you have to go live in a FEMA camp while they lose your file. Or something.

    The claim forms you have to fill out when you have a flood say nothing at all about people, like how many live in the house. So why do they care whether I have an unborn baby?

    This is altogether too creepy.

    • not that Radio

      I get mailers from FEMA about my flood insurance, which I leave lying around at work to irritate the teabaggers.

    • StanleyPain2

      Republicans don't quite get what "insurance" meant, so the bill is actually about them guaranteeing that there will be a flood.

  • Redhead

    What? It's Aqua Buddha's will.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Is Rand one of those communists in Congress that Allen West was talking about?

  • god damn you guys, i've just spent the last two hours listening to transcripts of marketing interviews with the oldz about medicare (how i ended up working on a marketing – NOT political – study involving medicare the week 5-4 is ruling on ACA is beyond me but there it is).

    i cannot tell you how angry i am. i can't even snark about it. these poor deluded people have and know nothing (seriously nothing) except that obama is taking away their life savings (!) and their healthcare and on thursday teh supremes are going to end it all.

    to a person they are sick and getting (pricey) government funded treatments. to a person they believe the republicans are saving them. to a person they believe the democrats are trying to destroy the system the democrats put in place. to a person they have NO FUCKING IDEA HOW FUCKED UP MEDICARE IS GOING TO BE IF 5-4 RULES LIKE 5-4 IS LIKELY TO RULE. (not to mention how fucked the supreme court's precedent is going to be but that's something they'll never understand).

    god i am so stabby.

    and yes, of course i know this is out there. i've seen the fucking hooverounds. but hearing the damage koch et alia have caused in real time makes me want to… i don't know.

    move to canada.

    • emmelemm

      I'm sorry.

      …to the couch forts. The end is near.

      • not that Radio

        Couch forts — do those work? I've seen Assault on Precinct 13, and I have my doubts.

  • Woodshedding

    So when does the life of a corporation begin?

    • bobbert

      Well, when a prospective Board of Directors love each other (and money) very very much ……

    • scvirginia

      When they begin to make campaign donations?

    • Boojum

      At deception.

  • TribecaMike

    And this isn't massive government intrusion into citizens rights how, Rand?

    • Boojum

      Rand has a small pee pee, so "massive" is not quite accurate.

  • glasspusher

    Germane, sure. Just like silane and stannane.

  • glamourdammerung

    President Obama could pretty much unilaterally remove all the military bases from Kentucky, right?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Starting with Fort Knox?

  • glamourdammerung

    I would be fine with letting them put this stupidity up for a vote in exchange for an amendment that removes their state from federal flood insurance. After all, the free market will handle that, right?

  • VinnyThePooh

    Life begins when the Trickle Down fills you and your basement.

  • lulzmonger

    Backpfeifengesicht with bells on … & I think a chain-mail glove would also help.

    Rand's namesake must be rolling over in her safety-deposit box right now.

  • tessiee

    OK, I've had it with this shit.
    I say we pass a constitutional amendment requiring every woman to have an abortion the second she gets pregnant.
    Let's give these assholes a real problem to deal with for a change.

    • Boojum

      How about we just pass that on its own merits, limited to people who vote Teahadist?

  • yrbmegr

    I know. Let's see Paul's Life At Conception amendment and raise him a Minimum Wage Increase.

  • ganmerlad

    Rand Paul…founding member of "Libertarians Who Want Liberty For Everyone But Women". AKA "Men Deserve Total Freedom, Bitches Deserve to Make Me a Sandwich Party". AKA "The Eric Cartman Fan Club".

  • CivicHoliday

    Fires and floods and droughts oh my! Maybe just maybe instead of this eggs-are-people bullshit, we could instead add a relevant amendment to this bill, such as smart zoning in flood zones and wetland/floodplain/mangrove restoration. And maybe just maybe the fundies in congress could get their heads out of their asses and recognize the real and immediate threats that climate change poses to their constituents and actually do their jobs for a fucking change and start passing some reasonable proactive environmental legislation. My fucking god.

  • DahBoner

    Life really begins when a woman gets wet.

  • blitzgal

    Ayn Rand is spinning in her grave that you share her name. Sure, she was also batshit crazy and a hypocrite, but she was very consistent on two points — her anti-religious attitudes and her pro-choice stance. That's right, libertarians — your blessed goddess said that access to abortion is mandatory in a truly "free" society.

  • StanleyPain2

    Oh no! What will this mean for the Bill to Reduce Inter-Office Spending within the Capitol that also requires women to wear special badges that emit a steady beeping noise when she comes into proximity with a man so that he may be warned and flee in time lest he dare come to close to her unmentionables and be swayed by her siren's voice.

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