Well, over on whatever website or smelly airwave Glenn Beck currently resides, Beck and his friends/unpaid interns have decided to make some predictions about the 2012 presidential election upon which the fate of the universe rides. Here is Glenn’s measured and educated guess! Wow, good.

Question: why even give him Colorado?

270toWin has this handy tool that other people can also use to just as accurately predict the future while eating Smartfood and drinking boilermakers and scoffing some combination of an elderly relative’s prescription pills. [The Blaze]

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  • Mittens Howell, III

    Communado was always my least favorite socialist State.

  • nounverb911

    I bet Beck misses Breitbart every day.

    • Barb

      Nah, Glenn took an athletic sock, stuffed it with 12 other athletic socks, doused it in cheap wine and sits around and beats his dick with it like his dick owes him gold coins. He calls it his little "handy Andy"

      • OkieDokieDog

        First he converted that athletic sock to Mormonism to make it magical.

      • Barb

        Sometimes he pokes a little mouth hole into the sock and calls it Bill Oral- Reilly
        Yeah, I left the vacuum running in the bedroom to come and post this, lol.
        Back to the vacuum!

    • Tommy1733

      I think they stay in touch, know what I mean?

      • Biff

        So you're saying he also dead-baptized him?

  • veritass

    If I send Goldline enough money will CO turn red too?

  • Barb

    I'm glad that Glenn doesn't have a TV show anymore. Now he can spend more time with the voices in his head.

    • SorosBot

      But his show was good for accidental comedy.

    • MissTaken

      I wonder how many chalkboard makers lost their jobs when he left?

      • Do you think Beck's delusions were the result of huffing too much whiteboard marker fumes or from being dropped on his head repeatedly as a baby and young child?

        • MissTaken

          Can I choose All Of The Above?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Neither. It's cocaine psychosis.

      • AOT, K

    • He the voices were just saying farewell in the usual crazy way. At least that's how it sounds to the echoes in my head.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I don't even think the voices want to spend time with Glenn and his head.

  • Antispandex

    California AND New York going for Romney? That's a very ballsy prediction…or bat-shit crazy, we'll have to wait to see.

    • emmelemm

      It lacks the quality of being "reality-based".

    • prommie

      No, I don't think we actually do have to wait.

    • Terry

      DC and Maryland are red on that map, too. I can't even imagine the kind of circumstances that would put DC in Romney's camp. I would have to involve an alien invasion and pod people.

      • Guppy

        You mean Mitt isn't a pod people too, my friend?

    • calliecallie

      and Massachusetts. Scott Brown being a fluke. And Romney also.

    • And Assachusetts? puhleeze!

      • TribecaMike

        Ahem, we natives prefer Massatwoshits. If you don't mind, harrummph.

    • freddymcmurray

      You forgot Illinois too. Also.

    • mmeetoilenoir

      And Jersey. And Oregon. And Delaware. And Connecticut.

      I guess the Beckster is using cheaper meth now that he lost his show.

    • RustyHinges57

      And Massachusetts? Really? He was, unfortunately, our governor and we know what he's all about.

  • barto

    So, red means "I have no fucking clue how this state is voting", amirite?

    And blue means this state burned to the ground so we'll give it to Obama fuck it, perhaps?

    • Pithaughn

      FYI, we are still below our 10 year avg for acres burned, but of course , 4th of July, right?

      • Antispandex

        Yeah, but Cheyenne is getting your second hand smoke, and it's already crappy enough there, so could you put that out, please?

  • Estproph

    Note that it says "2012 User-Generated Map" at the bottom. They left out the word "Hallucinegenic".

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Shame on NM and TX for looking up CO's dress.

    • Geminisunmars

      That gives us a thrill. Better than Utah bumping us from behind.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I do think you need to ask OK if that's a panhandle or are they just glad to see you.

        • Geminisunmars

          Actually OK is just laughing and pointing.

          • chicken_thief

            We're to believe that OK gets the joke?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Have you seen the mountains on Colorado? She is just asking for it.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    How did Glenn get a hold of the Koch brothers shopping list?

    • Angry_Marmot

      Best election money can buy.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm pretty sure they have posted it as a wishlist on their Amazon account.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    Your move, Nate Silver.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Nate just moved Glenn Beck from the "leaning batshit crazy" column to the "strong batshit crazy" column, with a 78% chance of going absofuckinglutely insane on Nov.

      • SorosBot

        I think he already went absofuckinglutely insane back in November of 2008.

  • Goonemeritus

    Why are there no electoral votes assigned to Kenya?

  • badseeds

    I heard Glenn had a "Nebraska Split" a few years ago, but some time in the hospital fixed him right up. Well, after a fashion.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I had to decide whether to go to The Urban Dictionary or Wikipedia for that.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Nebraska Split: just a thousand miles west of the Cleveland Steamer that Diebold's gonna give us in Ohio.

      • BaldarTCrabass

        Girl I know in Omaha calls that a Hot Carl, so maybe Cleveland Steamer/Hot Carl is the "real" Nebraska Split.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    Obama is going to take Colorado and Hawaii because of voter fraud.

    • anniegetyerfun

      With all the Mormons in Hawaii, I am amazed that they gave him that one.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Yup, it's all those illegal Mexicans in Hawaii that will tip the scales there.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        See. I was thinking it was the strength of the New Black Panther Party in Colorado that was going to take him over the top.

        • Don't laugh. I saw a black person in Fort Collins yesterday..
          …well he could have been black.. could've been coming off the fire line too I guess.

    • bikerlaureate

      The voter suppression efforts still underway might explain why there's so much ruby-blood-red on this map. What does the Beck Monster know that we don't know ?!1!!!!??

  • SorosBot

    Now I'll put up a map where Obama wins every state but Utah; that makes as much sense.

    • calliecallie


  • Chuckhoe

    Who knew all of his pissed off girl friends all moved to the same state to get away from him?!

  • ChernobylSoup

    I predict that the states with the lowest number of student loan defaults, the highest education levels, the lowest number of divorces, the lowest number of people with the diabetes, and the one's that receive the least amount of federal assistance in relation to what they pay in to the Treasury will be blue.

    The rest will be red.

  • Ëxtëmpöränüs

    That state really ties the country together.

    • prommie

      Thats why this aggression shall not stand, man.

      • Ëxtëmpöränüs

        Forget it, Prommie, you're out of your element!

        I actually think that Colorado looks way more like a raft adrift on a sea of blood than a rug, but I had a Blind Russian (Bailey's instead of cream) at lunch and decided to abide.

    • BaldarTCrabass

      Obviously, you're not a pollster.

      • Ëxtëmpöränüs

        Pollsters! Fuck me..

        I mean, say what you like about the tennets of cable television, dude, at least it's an ethos.

        • LionHeartSoyDog

          Cable teevee doesn't have antennas, dude.

          • Gleem McShineys


      • prommie

        I have dabbled.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Stupid conservatives. If you're just giving one state away for appearance's sake, only an idiot would keep Louisiana.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Stupid me. I just saw it's two states given away. I might be moving to Hawaii.

      • Callyson

        Hey, if disaster strikes and Mittens does get in, perhaps that will give the following some momentum…

        The Hawaiian sovereignty movement (ke ea Hawai‘i) is a political movement seeking some form of sovereignty for Hawai'i. Generally, the movement's focus is on self-determination and self-governance, either for Hawaiʻi as an independent nation (in many proposals, for "Hawaiian nationals" descended from subjects of the Hawaiian Kingdom or declaring themselves as such by choice), or for people of whole or part native Hawaiian ancestry in an indigenous "nation to nation" relationship akin to tribal sovereignty in the U.S.

        I just hope they'll accept immigrants–I don't mind scrubbing floors if I have to…

        • sewollef

          That would be a nightmare scenario and would definitely spoil my plans to retire to the Napa or Sonoma valley.

          But, I have a get out of jail card, aka European passport. If the shit hits the fan and Rmoney gets elected, AND takes Noo Yawk [ha! as if…], then I might invoke the card and move back.

          Except for Greece and Spain which are both deep in the shitter, I think I'd take French or British healthcare [my two options] rather than a teabagger-inspired concoction here [ie. nothing].

  • Baconzgood

    Glenn Beck never keeps me from laughing.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The fact that people listen to him sometimes does for me.

  • edgydrifter

    This map plus a tube of KY = date night at Glenn Beck's house.

  • Pithaughn

    That is awesome. I've been routinely phone banking and it's very gratifying to see how effective it's been. Western CO is fairly red, but our valiant efforts are paying off!

    • Geminisunmars

      Now if we can just have a nasty blizzard in Colorado Springs on that day in November maybe we can be Blue again.

  • I bet the only reason Colorado remains blue is because by November, the global-warming induced wildfires will have reduced the entire state, mountains included, into one vast ash plain.

    Where only hippies and Occupy would live.

    • DahBoner

      And the Texans moved back to Texas, yaaaaaay!!!

  • Kolob willing.

  • coolhandnuke

    The sole reason for Beck making Colorado blue is he's deathly afraid of rectangles and John Denver.

  • prommie

    Look at the pattern. He's trying to make it look random, to draw attention away from the place where he raped and murdered that girl in 1979.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I had heard it was in the 1990s. Was there another incident that he never denied?

      • Callyson

        And I heard it was 1978. ZOMG we've got a serial killer on our hands!

    • Clearly, it would be irresponsible not to speculate that he set the wildfire burning there now to cover up the evidence.

    • His silence on the subject is very troubling.

  • “Never make predictions, especially about the future.”

    – Casey Stengel

  • So Colorado didn't go through with that Diebold contract?

  • jodyleek

    Is Colorado the state in which Glenn Beck raped and murdered that girl in the '90s?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      That would be true, before he went on that murderous rampage on Route 66.

    • Fare la Volpe


      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        He has never denied it!

        • Antispandex

          Well…if he's never denied it…

          • Negropolis

            It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

          • DahBoner


  • Serolf_Divad

    Why does this map remind me of election results in Saddam Hussein's Iraq?

  • MissTaken

    That map makes no sense whatsoever. I'm sure Hawaii will go Romney, too, once they learn how Obama spells Ħǻŵąĩĩ

    • Guppy

      Back away slowly from the Unicode…

  • sharethegrief

    This isn't surprising. He numbered his children because he couldn't remember their names.

    • bflrtsplk

      It has children? Oh good grief!

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Ugh. That interactive map thing is actually scary. If Willard gets OH and FL he pretty much wins.

    Now I feel like having a drink.

    • JustPixelz

      Pull yourself together man! A true wonketteer does not need a map to want a drink or two.

    • Negropolis

      As the map is now, Obama could lose Ohio, Florida, Indiana and North Carolina and still win just by holding what he held last time. One of the biggest unreported stories of this election season is just how far away Romney is from winning where it counts.

  • Which of the unpaid interns let Glenn have the key to the liquor cabinet? Did no one tell them he has "issues" in that area that can lead to embarrassing and comical incidents of batshittery?

  • SorosBot

    I'm hoping we get a response from Denis again.

    • MissTaken

      Always a classic!


      • SorosBot

        I mis the "Dear shit fer brains" trol emils.

        Your a "pinhead"

  • BornInATrailer

    Yeah, Mass going for Romney.

    I didn't know gold coins got you high.

    • Veritas78

      It does kinda say something when you haven't a prayer at winning your home state. Three of 'em, actually.

    • DahBoner

      You can buy things with rocks? WTF???

  • MissTaken

    7,000 "people" liked that map on Facebook. Then again, instead of a map they thought it was a glory hole.

    • Angry_Marmot

      *zipping up* It isn't?

    • AbandonHope

      Ouch. That's a really square, blue glory hole.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    He forgot North Montana. It's by the state as big as his head and named for his brain: "MT."

  • chascates

    I thought his new mission was to destroy Glee?

    • SorosBot

      Great, now do we have to defend Glee, even though it's mostly sucked after the first season?

      • AbandonHope

        I was gonna say, Glee did a fantastic job of destroying itself without his help…

  • BaldarTCrabass

    Let's see, Washington DC's 3 electoral votes, coming out of a population that is 50% blah, go to Romney. Yeah, this map makes sense.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Huh, well that is good to know. Saves me all that time I would have spent filling out that pesky ballot.

  • ElPinche

    Lord knows how how many wingnuts jack off to that map.

    • MissTaken

      270 tow in?

      • ElPinche

        in a circle.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Worst. Circle jerk. Ever.

    • Stabby McBobblehead

      I find this very easy to masturbate to

      -Amerigo Vespucci

  • Crank_Tango

    Needz moar chalk.

    • DahBoner

      Glen is chalk in a markerboard world.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Jesus Christ on a cracker. I made the mistake of clicking the link and reading some of the comments. That is a LOT of crazy for one website. And not one dick joke in sight! I'm leaving now to go rock back and forth in the corner. Why is it so cold in here?

    • Angry_Marmot

      Forget it, Jake; it's Crazytown.

    • MosesInvests

      I was thinking, "Why is it so hot here? And where am I going? And what am I doing in this handbasket?"

    • Antispandex

      The "No Snark Zone"?

  • elburritodeluxe

    How's things over at the Home Shopping Network, Glenn?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Given that Colorado has gone to Obama, it goes to show that even fundie assholes hate the Mormonz.

  • JustPixelz

    If God is listening to Glenn Beck's prayers, it will be so. Any other outcome means God is saying "Go fuck yourself Beck".

  • Baconzgood


    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah, I was just thinking, "what's the line in Vegas on this?" If it's anything under a billion-to-one, I'm going to mortgage the house.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, Glenn Beck never denied raping and murdering Colorado back in the 80s.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm going to take your word for this because I'm not going on theblaze. Last time I went and read the comments about Trevon Martin *cold shudder*. I puked then took a shower.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I gave up Drudge a few years ago for Lent, and have never looked back. I won't even start with the Blaze. Jonah Goldberg covered in Crisco is easier on the eyes than Beck's drivel.

    • chicken_thief

      I made the mistake of reading the comments posted under a "Zimmerman passed a lie detector test" article. From that article, it would appear that a lot a people really don't like Obama.

  • fartknocker

    That map is flawed because it doesn't allow me to predict results for Ron Paul.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Living in Colorado I have to say if this map keeps one Becktard out of our state, I'm all for you Glenn, also.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Ok, I'll bite…

    I call this my "What if the unemployment rate is still over 8% in November" scenario.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I must say I am thrilled at how BO brought down gas prices. All the Connies were spitting that high prices were his fault. So, the lower prices must be his responsibility, right?

      • BarackMyWorld

        I gave up on logical consistency when I saw someone blame Obama for the economy in October, 2008.

    • Steverino247

      Nebraska will split and the Prez will get one more.

    • Negropolis

      You're even being kind, because the president won't lose Virginia, either.

      You want to know the scary thing for Romney? That's probably the best case scenario for him. Actually, add in Iowa, maybe, and that's his best case scenario and ONLY path to victory.

  • shiningmathpath

    "Beck has also provided a handy tool that other people can also use" — needs some copyediting …

    "Beck is a tool that other people can also use"


  • BlueStateLibel

    Slight mistake there – that's the CDC's map of fat America versus thin America. I hate to break it to everyone, but apparently Colorado's the only state left where there are still thin people.

    • Steverino247

      No, it's the air that's thin.

  • BaldarTCrabass

    In related predictions, I expect the Patriots to go 19-0 this season. Again.

  • bflrtsplk

    Needs moar of them squiggly lines for authenticity.

  • Woodshedding

    Wait, Colorado hates gays but loves Blacks? DON'T THEY KNOW MICHELLE'S JUST A BEARD?!? It's cinched – 100% of states for Romney. Hawaii doesn't count; I know because once when I asked at my bank for money to be transferred there, she told me they don't wire to foreign countries.

  • Millennial Malaise

    Ho. Lee. Shit. the comments on the blaze are just BEYOND. Granted, that my media diet is extremely narrow and perhaps they are trying to be funny like how us foul "demmycrats" (?!?!) call Lindsey Graham gay? Please take a gander if you enjoy seeing the teatards project their fascist fantasies on everyone else.

    Barack Hussein Obama if that is what his real identity is , was illegititimate in the first election he was born in Kenya which in itself makes him a fraud. Not to mention he only has one American parent. Which additionally disqualifies him constitutionally .

    If Obama wins, it will be hard to believe in God… And not just because being involved in religion will have you on a terrorist watch list. But of course Islam will be excluded from such list. Talk about having faith. If you pray hard enough, there's no way Mitt can lose!

    The Obama Zombies scare the hell of me. It‘s like they have been drugged into a mindless stupor and can’t think about the issues or make cogent arguments…We are in such trouble in this country and we have let it happen by buying into the tolerance garbage. Their minds have been destroyed and our country with it. Well, I can't tolerate teabaggers , so we DO have something in common there.

    Husband asked me what are you gonna do if Obama wins.I said finish the bottle of wine I’m gonna start the night before lol Also onsidering walking out into traffic.Where’s the tallest bridge? This will have me sitting on the edge of my seat that night.I thought 08 was something.This is crucial. Please do us a favor, lady!

    • AbandonHope

      "If Obama wins, it will be hard to believe in God."

      Oh man, deranged lunatic, I hear you. In fact, Bush's re-election was basically the final tipping point turning me from a Catholic into an agnostic. (Well, no, the final tipping point was my dad's sarcoidosis suddenly flaring up and killing him, but I digress.) So, basically, if Obama is re-elected, we'll see a huge abandonment of traditional organized religion on this nation?

      Awesome. Bring it on.

    • she can't kill a bottle of wine in one sitting? wtf?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Fuckin' amateurs.

    • TribecaMike

      Why do xenophobic English Firster types always have the worst grammar and spelling skills?

      • But they often make up for it with extra capital letters and exclamation points.

  • An_Outhouse

    Beck and his follwoers miht be nuts but they inform in important ways too.

    "Converted Atheist Blogger Describes Reconciling Her New-Found Faith With Being a Bisexual"

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let me blow yours in return:

    Someone sold Jesus out to the Romans. Glenn Beck has never denied he was the one that did it.

  • ph7

    The "DC for Romney" headquarters is excited to hear this! As soon as it is formed!

  • ph7

    Prediction #2: Mormon Jesus Plays Coachella 2013!

  • JohnyEdge

    Best news I"ve heard in a long time. It doesn't matter how the vote comes out, Barack Husseiln Obama is going to stay in office anyway!


  • Troglodeity

    Professor Glenn Beck apparently doesn't realize that "colorado" means "red" in Spanish.

    • TribecaMike

      He thinks it means radish not reddish.

  • LetUsBray

    Mostly off topic, but the most depressed and hopeless I've felt about the election has been a couple of times after getting fund-raising e-mails from the prez. Does that go under the heading of "You're doing it wrong"?

    Also, what's the deal with asking for $56, rather than 50 or 60?

  • the_giggleloop

    Maybe the plan is to buy all the blue states and put them in Tagg Romney's unfinished basement so that they could also vote for Scott Brown.

  • rickmaci

    Reality check time. Pretty much the same election it's been over the last three election cycles, everything again boils down to Ohio, Indiana and Florida.

    • Negropolis

      It really doesn't. Obama ran up the score in 2008 so high in the electoral college that none of those states are required for him to win the electoral college in 2012. The effects of Ohio and Florida have largely been neutralized as the Dems have expanded the map to places like Virginia, Nevada and Colorad, and New Mexico, and even crazily red states like Georgia and Arizona are actually trending very quickly in the Dems direction. The battle has moved elsewhere, now.

  • ttommyunger

    Believe it or not, Rightards actually cite "The Blaze" in their idiotic FB rants.

  • Why is Obama going to win Hawaii? It's not like that's his home state or anything.

  • TribecaMike

    I look forward to Beck's 2013 book "What's the Matter with Colorado? How Obama Stole The Election By Winning Just One State."

    I also look forward to my sciatica acting up again and Lindsay Lohan crashing through the windows of my 16th floor apartment in her SUV, which will only aggravate my sciatica. It's a vicious circle.

  • Sassomatic

    Did his red dry erase marker run out just before he colored in Colorado?

  • Sassomatic

    Wait, I think he's confusing that with the map of what the country will look like in 5 years as a result of global warming, when the whole country will be on fire, except Colorado, which will be a lake.

  • rocktonsam

    needz moar red. johnnie walker's red.

  • C'mon, this is just because I live in Colorado, isn't it.
    Oh, Glenn Beck. Of course Colorado is going to vote for Obama, but how does he know how much most of us secretly hate (or at least distrust/dislike) Mormons? We really try not to talk about it too much, except for Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who will not shut up about it, bless their hearts. Also, really? All of the other states other than Hawaii going for Obama? You know what I think this actually means, is that the majority of the people in Hawaii and Colorado that go to Glenn Beck's website are actually Democrats looking for a good laugh. If I had enough free time, the idea is somewhat appealing. Fortunately, I do not.

  • Damn! You could have warned me that clicking on the "to make some predictions" link would send me to popup land. And not one single pron site! What gives?

  • LloydDrako

    Colorado has been set on fire as punishment for supporting Obama, four months before the fact. God's Minority Report.

  • DahBoner

    Better RED than, uh…

  • DC goes red? Seriously?

  • Oooooh, he was SO close.

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