a nation mourns

John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008

You can never escapeYou guys, extra-sad news! John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who as far as we knew six days ago were America’s number one committed couple, are now totally broken up. Well, they’re still a family, because when you knock up your crazy new age-y campaign videographer and/or are knocked up by a married sleazeball presidential candidate, and then have a baby, you are basically linked for life, but “as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” Rielle told important journalistic teevee show Good Morning America. So if you step outside and find that it’s raining even though the forecast called for clear skies, that’s probably angels crying! (Or maybe just water dripping from an air conditioning unit in a fifth-floor window.) But are John Edwards and Rielle Hunter still in love, despite breaking up? It’s impossible for us to say for certain, but yes, almost certainly yes.

Hunter’s public statements don’t explain what the motivation for the ending of history’s greatest romance could be, so let’s speculate irresponsibly! Remember how John Edwards and Rielle Hunter had a baby that everyone pretty much knew about by mid-2008 or so, but Edwards never publicly acknowledged her as his daughter until the criminal charges against him went away, due to jury disgust in thinking about any of this, for legal purposes? Well, maybe his lawyers advised him to not change his Facebook relationship status until this was cleared up, also for legal purposes, which we don’t understand why that should be but we’re clearly no legal experts because we think the individual mandate is constitutional. Anyway, now that he’s finally certainly not going to jail, he can dump Rielle and go make sex to juror #4 or whoever.

But here’s another possibility! Let’s revisit that very first bonkers public interview Hunter gave about all this, to GQ back in 2010, when she said the following somewhat disconcerting things:

Why and when did the affair end? Or did it ever end?
My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different.

And what happened in July 2008?
That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that. [laughs]

Now maybe after John and Elizabeth separated John and Rielle got back together or maybe “my stint as a mistress ended” means some new age-y thing like “I became his primary partner in the eyes of chakra healing crystal aura something,” but maybe also they just broke up then and the Post’s tales of canoodling were misinterpreted? But their relationship continued, for years, in Rielle’s mind? Or they were one of those couples who “break up” but then continue having sex and spending all their time together and so nobody understands exactly what they meant by “break up.” Whatever, it’s 100 percent splitsville now, for both of them!

Oh but don’t worry, because even though they are not a couple, they are still in love, Rielle told GMT:

Hunter said she still loves Edwards despite the difficult split. “I do,” she told Stephanopolous.

And she insists he still loves her too.

“You have to ask him. I think he does,” she said.

And oh hey, did Rielle tell GQ that they were still in love, back in 2010?

We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn’t go away. It’s unconditional. It’s unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There’s a lot of passion there.

So there you have it: Rielle Hunter and John Edwards broke up last week, or four years ago, or maybe repeatedly over the past four years, but are still in love. We would like to assure you that this is the last you will hear from Wonkette on this subject, but we all know that would be a lie. [AP/GQ/NYDN]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Isn't the question whether she was honorably or dishonorably discharge as a mistress?

  1. Barb

    Hey Rielle, keep that super pointy chin of yours up. I hear Robert Blake is looking for a gal.

        1. YasserArraFeck

          Brewers Droop is a myth – when I go out and drink until I can't remember anything, my girlfriend always tells me the next day that she's never seen a bigger prick……

          1. tessiee

            "your scrotum starts to resemble Jan Brewer"

            Now, that is a terrible thing to say.
            A scrotum serves a constructive purpose.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      My wife worked as a medical transcriptionist, and some plastic surgeons call that a "witches' chin."

      I always thought that would sound terrible being read aloud in court in a malpractice case.

  2. freakishlywrong

    Oh good. I was getting depressed what with all the fucking hate today. And then these two.

    1. Baconzgood

      A shit load of hate then Psyco love. I think I'm going to have the 3 martini lunch this afternoon.

  3. Barb

    Love this tweet:
    John Edwards and Rielle Hunter broke up. Ladies, stay away from online dating profiles like "almostprez1953".

  4. MissTaken

    If these two totally emotionally stable lovebirds can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        The brilliant thing in that relationship is never knowing who the bigger ass really is.

        1. SorosBot

          Oh that's definitely Kim, though it's obviously the work of surgery… oh, you were asking who is the bigger ass, not who has the bigger one; sorry.

    1. Barb

      They could have written a song for Johnny and Rielle, "A Mistress is Nothing More Than Something Between a Mister and a Mattress."

  5. memzilla

    Shorter version:

    Edwards: "Honey, after all the lawyers' fees, I'm broke."

    SnagglepussHunter: "Exit, stage left!"

  6. SexySmurf

    Just keep acting like a looney bitch; that'll win Johnny back. If for some strange reason that doesn't work, trash his car or kill his pet bunny or show up at his house at 2AM in a wedding dress.

  7. sezme

    Edwards has just tentatively broken up with her pending the results of her latest mammogram.

    1. Chow Yun Flat

      While not defending the horrible Rielle, why is the "other woman" always termed the home-wrecker? Both of them made decisions, sleazeball Edwards was the one who broke his marriage vows, he obviously had a lot more to lose b his reckless and dick-driven behavior.

      It is as if the guy gets a pass because we assume that the Hump/Don't Hump switch is always set to hump in men so it is up to the women to save someone else's marriage.

          1. SorosBot

            No, the woman I was involved with who had a pre-existing long-term relationship was cheating; I was just along for the rides. That and naively believing that she really did mean to dump him for me, eventually.

      1. freakishlywrong

        Grain of salt. I can barely stand the fact that these two exist and that we talk about them and they sell books and make money off of being assholes. Fine, lowlife and heartless opportunist then, ok?

      2. tessiee

        They're both thoroughly unacceptable "human beings", but Johnny made a vow to Elizabeth, Rielle didn't.

    2. sharethegrief

      Being a really low bar, I still rate her above Edwards. He wasn't just fucking Rielle, he was attempting to fuck every Democrat for decades.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        Ah, the old "Two Americas" riff – those who John Edwards has fucked, and those he hasn't fucked yet

        1. sharethegrief

          Only in America can the son of common textile workers achieve this kind of greatness.

          1. YasserArraFeck

            Only in America can the son of common textile workers achieve this kind of greatness constant engorgement.

  8. coolhandnuke

    Me soooo sad. Must now listen to the Very Best of John Tesh's Greatest Hits to stop the sadz.

        1. James Michael Curley

          With a little luck you can find John Tesh providing second piano to Yani. (True, but proceed with caution as owners have been found catatonic.)

  9. SorosBot

    Maybe Rielle knows she'll be able to win John back, and has a bunny burning on the stove to make him love her as we speak.

  10. noodlesalad

    John Edwards should consider divorcing the Democrats. The GOP is a lot more tolerant of cancer-dumpers.

  11. UnholyMoses

    We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part.

    I wouldn't hold your breath there, Rielle, given that Johnny probably said that when he married Elizabeth.

    And look how that turned out.

  12. actor212

    Here's the thing: Republicans always claim liberals are all about teh sexay-time, but if you took Edwards and Clinton out of the mix, we'd be buttoned-up librarians.

    Well, not really, but you get my drift.

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    Friends With Benefits. The most desirable relationship status in all of human history.

  14. johnnymeatworth

    So she's a courtesan now? A concubine? Is that a promotion? Or more of a lateral move?

  15. SoBeach

    The Rielles of the world are why I never had an affair while I was married. Well, them and my whiny little killjoy conscience.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It's never too late to start! Well, I mean, they won't TECHNICALLY be affairs but you should still get with a crazy chick while you can!

      1. SoBeach

        Tried it. It didn't live up to the hype. Not as much crazy-risky psycho nookie as you might think, and a whole lot more disjointed, sobbing/laughing 3 a.m. phone calls than I'm ever going to tolerate.

        1. Geminisunmars

          Johnny – is that you? Why didn't you call me back? You said you were gonna call me back?

        2. anniegetyerfun

          Aw, bummer. I guess it's different for ladies – the men I had torrid sex affairs with (OK, not while married, so not sure what to call it) were generally conservative assholes. Good in the sack, but definitely not anyone I'd want to talk to on the phone. Or in person, really.

          1. SoBeach

            Can't say the same about conservative women (the "in the sack" part) but it's not like I've seen a statistically significant sample.

    2. Buckminster

      Better not to delve into those forbidden fruits when your better half is a crack shot;)

  16. Dr. Nick Riviera

    I will never live down having supported this guy. It's like having an MC Hammer tattoo.

  17. Terry

    Frankly, I think John Edwards should take a break from dating for a while and do a bit of introspective examination. If he can't do that or won't do that, he should date Bristol Palin next.

    1. freakishlywrong

      That would be about the only attention the hillbillies wouldn't want. Therefore, we should make it so.

  18. prommie

    She must be the screaming epitome of the crazy-sex. She's got the crazy in spades, there's white-hot laser beams of crazy shooting from her eyes and fingertips, she could be a crazy superhero action figure.

  19. Baconzgood

    "my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that."

    Mistress< Concubine?

  20. Geminisunmars

    So, Edwards had another girlfriend named Beverly Hilton?? Was she responsible for them breaking up?

    1. chicken_thief

      Until Beverly starts flashing her cooter at us every time she gets in or out of a car I'm sticking with Paris as my fav Hilton.

  21. Pragmatist2

    He's changing his Facebook status from "Acquitted" to "Single" And now he "likes" "Hung" Jury.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    This obviously happened because the Gayz started getting married. They ruined everything for John and Rielle.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    but we’re clearly no legal experts because we think the individual mandate is constitutional.

    You and the Heritage Foundation, Josh, you and Heritage.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    By the way, I'm looking for anyone interested in a stint as a mistress. Please forward resume's and three references.

  25. lochnessmonster

    Really Rielle? Not so vieled an attempt to get her man back? Don't you know once a liar, always a liar…if he cheated on Elizabeth he'll cheat on you.

  26. tessiee

    "We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn’t go away. It’s unconditional."

    This has now replaced people with "W '04" stickers on their vehicles as my definition of "slow learner".

  27. tessiee

    Really, God bless the National Enquirer. If this liaison had been made public during, or AFTER, the election?

    1. Guppy

      Thank goodness the National Enquirer has more journalistic integrity than the New York Times.

  28. ttommyunger

    I've been drunk enough to fuck a cunt like this once or twice, but no more than that. Johnny Boy is seriously fucked in the head.

Comments are closed.