A NATION MOURNS  12:15 pm June 26, 2012

John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008

by Josh Fruhlinger

You can never escapeYou guys, extra-sad news! John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who as far as we knew six days ago were America’s number one committed couple, are now totally broken up. Well, they’re still a family, because when you knock up your crazy new age-y campaign videographer and/or are knocked up by a married sleazeball presidential candidate, and then have a baby, you are basically linked for life, but “as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” Rielle told important journalistic teevee show Good Morning America. So if you step outside and find that it’s raining even though the forecast called for clear skies, that’s probably angels crying! (Or maybe just water dripping from an air conditioning unit in a fifth-floor window.) But are John Edwards and Rielle Hunter still in love, despite breaking up? It’s impossible for us to say for certain, but yes, almost certainly yes.

Hunter’s public statements don’t explain what the motivation for the ending of history’s greatest romance could be, so let’s speculate irresponsibly! Remember how John Edwards and Rielle Hunter had a baby that everyone pretty much knew about by mid-2008 or so, but Edwards never publicly acknowledged her as his daughter until the criminal charges against him went away, due to jury disgust in thinking about any of this, for legal purposes? Well, maybe his lawyers advised him to not change his Facebook relationship status until this was cleared up, also for legal purposes, which we don’t understand why that should be but we’re clearly no legal experts because we think the individual mandate is constitutional. Anyway, now that he’s finally certainly not going to jail, he can dump Rielle and go make sex to juror #4 or whoever.

But here’s another possibility! Let’s revisit that very first bonkers public interview Hunter gave about all this, to GQ back in 2010, when she said the following somewhat disconcerting things:

Why and when did the affair end? Or did it ever end?
My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different.

And what happened in July 2008?
That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that. [laughs]

Now maybe after John and Elizabeth separated John and Rielle got back together or maybe “my stint as a mistress ended” means some new age-y thing like “I became his primary partner in the eyes of chakra healing crystal aura something,” but maybe also they just broke up then and the Post’s tales of canoodling were misinterpreted? But their relationship continued, for years, in Rielle’s mind? Or they were one of those couples who “break up” but then continue having sex and spending all their time together and so nobody understands exactly what they meant by “break up.” Whatever, it’s 100 percent splitsville now, for both of them!

Oh but don’t worry, because even though they are not a couple, they are still in love, Rielle told GMT:

Hunter said she still loves Edwards despite the difficult split. “I do,” she told Stephanopolous.

And she insists he still loves her too.

“You have to ask him. I think he does,” she said.

And oh hey, did Rielle tell GQ that they were still in love, back in 2010?

We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn’t go away. It’s unconditional. It’s unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There’s a lot of passion there.

So there you have it: Rielle Hunter and John Edwards broke up last week, or four years ago, or maybe repeatedly over the past four years, but are still in love. We would like to assure you that this is the last you will hear from Wonkette on this subject, but we all know that would be a lie. [AP/GQ/NYDN]

 
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{ 143 comments }

nounverb911 June 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. "
Does it show up that way on your resumé?

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Really, how do you list that on your CV? "Mistress to two-time failed Presidential candidate, 2004-2008"

MrFizzy June 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

The Kardashians are getting by on less than that.

Sharkey June 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"Responsible for giving birth and unrequited love in high-pressure situations."

glasspusher June 26, 2012 at 4:05 pm

This is a clear case where "unemployed" would have been a better placeholder.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Isn't the question whether she was honorably or dishonorably discharge as a mistress?

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:33 pm

The word "discharge" is perhaps used in a different context.

glasspusher June 26, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Well played.

Barb June 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Hey Rielle, keep that super pointy chin of yours up. I hear Robert Blake is looking for a gal.

Crank_Tango June 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Or OJ, either or.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

OJ is choosier than this. How humiliating for her.

memzilla June 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I believe the proper position for that chin is up and down.

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

That depends on how much Brewer's Droop he has.

YasserArraFeck June 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Brewers Droop is a myth – when I go out and drink until I can't remember anything, my girlfriend always tells me the next day that she's never seen a bigger prick……

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Is that when your scrotum starts to resemble Jan Brewer?

MosesInvests June 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Jan Brewer is more wrinkly than the average scrotum.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"your scrotum starts to resemble Jan Brewer"

Now, that is a terrible thing to say.
A scrotum serves a constructive purpose.

Tundra Grifter June 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm

My wife worked as a medical transcriptionist, and some plastic surgeons call that a "witches' chin."

I always thought that would sound terrible being read aloud in court in a malpractice case.

Gratuitous World June 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

which reality show will she be on first?! future is bright – in that glaringly shameless, soul-crushing way.

nounverb911 June 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Isn't she Bristol's videographer now

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Master Chef. She'll specialize in home wrecking.

ChernobylSoup June 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Or the best way to boil a bunny.

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I bet she's pretty handy making banana creme pie.

chicken_thief June 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

If she'd have been handier then she wouldn't be toting that rug rat around now.

FlownOver June 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Soul? SOUL???

I'm thinking "The Devil Went Down to North Carolina," and this bimbo can't fiddle.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"which reality show will she be on first?"

Shark Week.

freakishlywrong June 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Oh good. I was getting depressed what with all the fucking hate today. And then these two.

Baconzgood June 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

A shit load of hate then Psyco love. I think I'm going to have the 3 martini lunch this afternoon.

YasserArraFeck June 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

After all that cloying love, a little pure hate can cleanse the palate

Barb June 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Love this tweet:
pourmecoffee:
John Edwards and Rielle Hunter broke up. Ladies, stay away from online dating profiles like "almostprez1953".

SorosBot June 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

And men, stay away from profiles like "MarriedSoulMateHunterHippieChick6969"

chicken_thief June 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

The Hermanator has already called her – "Reille, you need a job don'cha?"

Crank_Tango June 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Sounds like the worst internship ever.

Tundra Grifter June 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Worse than working for Mark Foley?

imissopus June 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Let's ask Sulanga!

finallyhappy June 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

So did Edwards father Snooki's baby too?

MissTaken June 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

If these two totally emotionally stable lovebirds can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

SorosBot June 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

At least Kim and Kanye are still together, proving true love exists!

anniegetyerfun June 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The brilliant thing in that relationship is never knowing who the bigger ass really is.

SorosBot June 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Oh that's definitely Kim, though it's obviously the work of surgery… oh, you were asking who is the bigger ass, not who has the bigger one; sorry.

Barb June 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

They could have written a song for Johnny and Rielle, "A Mistress is Nothing More Than Something Between a Mister and a Mattress."

memzilla June 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Shorter version:

Edwards: "Honey, after all the lawyers' fees, I'm broke."

SnagglepussHunter: "Exit, stage left!"

MissTaken June 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm

This is bad news for the Dave Matthews Band.

scvirginia June 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

But it's good news for John McCain…

Dr. Nick Riviera June 26, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Looks likes it's the dumpster in back of the Taco Hut for them again.

SexySmurf June 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Just keep acting like a looney bitch; that'll win Johnny back. If for some strange reason that doesn't work, trash his car or kill his pet bunny or show up at his house at 2AM in a wedding dress.

Buckminster June 26, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Shh. You'll give her ideas.

UnholyMoses June 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Well, on the bright side, he still has his hair …

sezme June 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Edwards has just tentatively broken up with her pending the results of her latest mammogram.

BaldarTFlagass June 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Your move, Newt.

freakishlywrong June 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Rielle, your stint as a lowlife and home-wrecker will live on in infamy.

Chow Yun Flat June 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

While not defending the horrible Rielle, why is the "other woman" always termed the home-wrecker? Both of them made decisions, sleazeball Edwards was the one who broke his marriage vows, he obviously had a lot more to lose b his reckless and dick-driven behavior.

It is as if the guy gets a pass because we assume that the Hump/Don't Hump switch is always set to hump in men so it is up to the women to save someone else's marriage.

SorosBot June 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

As someone who has been the other man and would never cheat, I endorse this message.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I don't understand — "the other man" means you were the cheater.

SorosBot June 26, 2012 at 2:07 pm

No, the woman I was involved with who had a pre-existing long-term relationship was cheating; I was just along for the rides. That and naively believing that she really did mean to dump him for me, eventually.

freakishlywrong June 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Grain of salt. I can barely stand the fact that these two exist and that we talk about them and they sell books and make money off of being assholes. Fine, lowlife and heartless opportunist then, ok?

Chow Yun Flat June 26, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Works for me. "Heartless opportunist" hits it dead solid perfect.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Agreed.
They're both thoroughly unacceptable "human beings", but Johnny made a vow to Elizabeth, Rielle didn't.

sharethegrief June 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Being a really low bar, I still rate her above Edwards. He wasn't just fucking Rielle, he was attempting to fuck every Democrat for decades.

YasserArraFeck June 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Ah, the old "Two Americas" riff – those who John Edwards has fucked, and those he hasn't fucked yet

sharethegrief June 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Only in America can the son of common textile workers achieve this kind of greatness.

YasserArraFeck June 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Only in America can the son of common textile workers achieve this kind of greatness constant engorgement.

scvirginia June 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

They've broken up repeatedly over the last 4 millennia…

BaldarTCrabass June 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

They should have eloped to Wasilla.

Geminisunmars June 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

What has Wasilla ever done to des. . . . Oh, nevermind.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Why, isn't there cheap meth in SC?

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Which would have made Rielle the classiest woman there.

coolhandnuke June 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Me soooo sad. Must now listen to the Very Best of John Tesh's Greatest Hits to stop the sadz.

MrFizzy June 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Does that help?

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Like when you stop banging your head against the wall, once the album stops, it does.

coolhandnuke June 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Sorry, what did you say…I can't hear you I'm rockin' out to the Tesh.

James Michael Curley June 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

With a little luck you can find John Tesh providing second piano to Yani. (True, but proceed with caution as owners have been found catatonic.)

Jus_Wonderin June 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I think the upside is that I could loose that extra 20 pounds at my waistline.

SorosBot June 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Maybe Rielle knows she'll be able to win John back, and has a bunny burning on the stove to make him love her as we speak.

MrFizzy June 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

All I want to know is how Gloria Allred will get involved.

freakishlywrong June 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Gaaaaaahhh!!!1

NellCote71 June 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Or how does this affect Sarah Palin?

noodlesalad June 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

John Edwards should consider divorcing the Democrats. The GOP is a lot more tolerant of cancer-dumpers.

BaldarTFlagass June 26, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Shoot, don't they give them head-of-the-line privileges?

noodlesalad June 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I think your fifth spouse is free.

NellCote71 June 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

And Clarence Thomas will officiate.

HistoriCat June 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Such a move would improve both parties.

UnholyMoses June 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part.

I wouldn't hold your breath there, Rielle, given that Johnny probably said that when he married Elizabeth.

And look how that turned out.

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Well, you know….he did keep his word. Sort of. Technically.

Oblios_Cap June 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm

it's always good to hear from the attorneys.

actor212 June 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Here's the thing: Republicans always claim liberals are all about teh sexay-time, but if you took Edwards and Clinton out of the mix, we'd be buttoned-up librarians.

Well, not really, but you get my drift.

Guppy June 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

You don't know librarians as much as you think you do…

glasspusher June 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I knew it. Hawt.

SheriffRoscoe June 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Friends With Benefits. The most desirable relationship status in all of human history.

johnnymeatworth June 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

So she's a courtesan now? A concubine? Is that a promotion? Or more of a lateral move?

Sharkey June 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Yeah, it means you could hit that… if you wanted…

Guppy June 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

As befits our current economy, she's been given more responsibilities with the same pay.

Chow Yun Flat June 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

He is well groomed and has rich friends. Don't let this one get away, ladies.

Callyson June 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

that’s probably angels crying!

Tears of joy…

weejee June 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Johnny Edwards makes Keef Richards appear to be a paragon of moral turpitude.

Buckminster June 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Not moral rectitude?

fuflans June 26, 2012 at 1:55 pm

do. not. villify. the. trepanned. one.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I don't think that word means what you think it means.

weejee June 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I had a serious dyslexic brain fart. Edwards is the moral turpitude failure and Keef the paragon of virtue.

SoBeach June 26, 2012 at 12:36 pm

The Rielles of the world are why I never had an affair while I was married. Well, them and my whiny little killjoy conscience.

anniegetyerfun June 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

It's never too late to start! Well, I mean, they won't TECHNICALLY be affairs but you should still get with a crazy chick while you can!

SoBeach June 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Tried it. It didn't live up to the hype. Not as much crazy-risky psycho nookie as you might think, and a whole lot more disjointed, sobbing/laughing 3 a.m. phone calls than I'm ever going to tolerate.

Geminisunmars June 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Johnny – is that you? Why didn't you call me back? You said you were gonna call me back?

anniegetyerfun June 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Aw, bummer. I guess it's different for ladies – the men I had torrid sex affairs with (OK, not while married, so not sure what to call it) were generally conservative assholes. Good in the sack, but definitely not anyone I'd want to talk to on the phone. Or in person, really.

SoBeach June 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Can't say the same about conservative women (the "in the sack" part) but it's not like I've seen a statistically significant sample.

Buckminster June 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Better not to delve into those forbidden fruits when your better half is a crack shot;)

Dr. Nick Riviera June 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I will never live down having supported this guy. It's like having an MC Hammer tattoo.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:44 pm

"Starland Vocal Band??? They suck!!" — Homer Simpson

Terry June 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Frankly, I think John Edwards should take a break from dating for a while and do a bit of introspective examination. If he can't do that or won't do that, he should date Bristol Palin next.

freakishlywrong June 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

That would be about the only attention the hillbillies wouldn't want. Therefore, we should make it so.

anniegetyerfun June 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

God, that poor fucking kid.

prommie June 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

She must be the screaming epitome of the crazy-sex. She's got the crazy in spades, there's white-hot laser beams of crazy shooting from her eyes and fingertips, she could be a crazy superhero action figure.

Jus_Wonderin June 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I bet she would be the super flexable model. With the Kung Fu Money Grip of death.

prommie June 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

You know it, too, amiright!

Tundra Grifter June 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm

A barracuda in the rack.

hollywooddood June 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Ultimately, everyone got what they wanted.

Except Elizabeth.

ManchuCandidate June 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Welcome to Dumpsville.

Population: You.

Baconzgood June 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that."

Mistress< Concubine?

Geminisunmars June 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

So, Edwards had another girlfriend named Beverly Hilton?? Was she responsible for them breaking up?

chicken_thief June 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Until Beverly starts flashing her cooter at us every time she gets in or out of a car I'm sticking with Paris as my fav Hilton.

Baconzgood June 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

This dude gets more ass than a moped.

Jus_Wonderin June 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

When I clicked the "read more" there were 69 comments.

FlownOver June 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Probably a dozen of them, in fact.

Pragmatist2 June 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

He's changing his Facebook status from "Acquitted" to "Single" And now he "likes" "Hung" Jury.

Oblios_Cap June 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

This obviously happened because the Gayz started getting married. They ruined everything for John and Rielle.

Allmighty_Manos June 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Don't worry, Johnnie, you'll find yourself another Andy Warhol lookalike.

Buckminster June 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

However, his balls are in her purse.

proudgrampa June 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

but we’re clearly no legal experts because we think the individual mandate is constitutional.

You and the Heritage Foundation, Josh, you and Heritage.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

By the way, I'm looking for anyone interested in a stint as a mistress. Please forward resume's and three references.

lochnessmonster June 26, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Really Rielle? Not so vieled an attempt to get her man back? Don't you know once a liar, always a liar…if he cheated on Elizabeth he'll cheat on you.

fuflans June 26, 2012 at 2:00 pm

who?

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

They deserve each other.

chascates June 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Romeo and Juliet. John and Rielle. The course of true love never did run smooth.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:26 pm

"We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn’t go away. It’s unconditional."

This has now replaced people with "W '04" stickers on their vehicles as my definition of "slow learner".

Tyrannically_Joe June 26, 2012 at 2:45 pm

But if those two crazy kids couldn't make love work, what hope do any of us have?

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Really, God bless the National Enquirer. If this liaison had been made public during, or AFTER, the election?

Guppy June 26, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Thank goodness the National Enquirer has more journalistic integrity than the New York Times.

ttommyunger June 26, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I've been drunk enough to fuck a cunt like this once or twice, but no more than that. Johnny Boy is seriously fucked in the head.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 10:21 am

Rielle's single, you say? So there's hope, is what you're saying?

DahBoner June 27, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I'm guessing the number one reasons most affairs come to an end is 'infidelity'.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm

That's why it's a problem.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2012 at 2:36 pm

…and your penis starts looking like her boney, poking finger?

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