WAR ON PIñATAS  5:10 pm June 25, 2012

Houston Piñata Ban: Why Does Houston Ban Piñatas?

by Jim Newell

Kill them allEveryone loves a good piñata. You get a baseball bat and go smash, ha ha ha! And then everyone goes home with stuffed pockets of candy and razor blades. The kids love this nonsense. But lo, what has Precinct 4 of Houston done now? A “park policy adopted in Precinct 4, which stretches over a wide swath of the northwestern county, specifically forbids piñatas.” Is this strictly an “anti-littering” issue, or an anti-Mexicans issue? Because we see no scenario in which some jerks might smash piñatas and leave their mess everywhere.

Let’s let Tony Diaz explain his issue with the smashy candy donkey objects of birthday party lore:

Harris County officials say the prohibition is strictly an anti-littering measure, noting that the same policy also forbids other messy party favors like confetti eggs and silly string that park managers say are almost impossible to clean up. But Hispanic activists complained about signs posted in parks that specifically forbade piñatas. And Commissioner Jack Cagle decided to take the signs down while he reviews the policy.

“‘Pinantas Prohibited’ is not a synonym for ‘Do Not Litter,’ it’s a synonym for ‘No Mexicans Allowed,’” said Tony Diaz, the leader of a group called El Librotraficante. “It’s almost as if all the signs that talk about the speed limit were to say ‘20 mph for your low-riders.’”

Now that Tony Diaz mentions it, Precinct 4 had better get some “20 mph for your low-riders” signs up. What? Piñatas drive low-riders, and piñatas are banned.

[KHOU]

 

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{ 138 comments }

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Wasn't the Pinata one of Columbus's ships?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

The one that sunk when it was christened, yes

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:18 pm

It broke apart like a piñata?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

It was built out of pinatas and needles, pinatas and needles, pinatas and needles…

Spurning Beer June 25, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Yes, the Niño, the Piñata, and the Santeria.

SexySmurf June 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I thought it was the Nina Simone, the Pinto, and the Sangria.

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

"the Pinto"
The horse or the exploding Ford?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Dude, this is Wonkette, you tell us…

BelleSC June 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm

the Pinto
The bean

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 1:50 am

Yes.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

No– it's the Piña, Colada, and the Santa Margarita.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 7:55 pm

It was the Mongo, the Sandinista, and the Santana.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I thought the last one was the Cafeteria?

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Consuela, The Spoon and the Diarrhea.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 1:52 am

I thought it was the El Nino, the Pinche, and the Santa Klaus.

johnnymeatworth June 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Yeah, that was the one carrying all of Columbus' candy.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

A piñata that is filled with baked beans is hilarious! Especially if they are piping hot.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Do they do that in Boston?

Barb June 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

No, it has been banned in Boston.

sullivanst June 25, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Beans been banned in Boston?

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:09 pm

They say beans are almost impossible to clean up, but it's obvious they're just trying to rid Boston of the dirty Irish and their beany hooliganism.

DemmeFatale June 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Very Arizona-ish!

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Scalia approves.

metamarcisf June 25, 2012 at 5:13 pm

My daughter is moving to NW Houston tomorrow so it's time for her to stock up on good old New Mexican pinatas

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Can't she smuggle some across the border from Laredo? Just stuff 'em in the trunk! The border patrol won't ask questions if she doesn't get all nervous and edgy and stuff.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Border Guard: Do you have any contraband?
Kid Metamarci: Um… no.
Border Guard: By "contraband", I mean, do you have any guns, fireworks, or pinatas?
Kid Metamarci: Yes… I mean NO! Oh, DAMN it!!

HistoriCat June 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm

NW Houston is my area – I might be able to score some for her.

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:17 pm

None of them dirt piñatas. We're talkin' Medical Grade.

Spurning Beer June 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Effigies are much neater, and are less, you know, urban.

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

What about burning crosses?

Spurning Beer June 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Mine runs on a propane tank. Very clean burning.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

And helps attendees to see the sheet music?

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Pastor Terry Jones approves of effigies, but disagrees that they are urban.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

o/~ If you like pinata coladas, and getting caught in the rain… o/~

viennawoods13 June 25, 2012 at 6:28 pm

omg… ear worm.

Boojum June 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Littering is what those Messicans do, when they has babbies.

scvirginia June 25, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Do babbies always come in litters?

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Depends on how babby is formed.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Rejoice all you Tejasican Wonketteers! Your beloved state has woke up and is trying to grab your rightful, and do mean rightful, glory back from Louisiana, Mississippi, Arizona, and …

Estproph June 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

This is clear discrimination against Pinata-Americans. The slurs will come next, just wait: "No Candy-Stuffers Allowed", "Sugarbags In The Rear Of The Bus", "Lunch Counter For Suckers Only". Just terriblle.

OkieDokieDog June 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm

This means WAR! All my pinata friends drive low-riders.

Hammiepants June 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Heh, I see what you did there.

Not_So_Much June 25, 2012 at 5:19 pm

There's got to be some way that can blame this on them having a gay, chick mayor…

Trannysurprise June 25, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Pinata's in black face are still OK?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Yes, but you have to break those by dragging them behind your pick-up

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

How about 'zero tolerance policy for littering' and leave it at that? Morons.

SexySmurf June 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Donkey shows are still legal, right?

RIGHT?

Blueb4sunrise June 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

The solution is simple: Cut funding for the parks.

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

And tax cuts for jerb creators!

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Leslie Knope dislikes this comment.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

This is why we can't have nice things.

Jukesgrrl June 25, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Funding? What's that?

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

What if the pinata is filled with money, would that be enough to make it speech?

anniegetyerfun June 25, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Only if said money is destined to be given to political SuperPACs by corporations.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:10 am

Republican superPAcs.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Only if filled with denominations that are Franklins and higher.

Joshua Norton June 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I'm pretty sure if you hit Newt Gingrich with a bat candy would fall out.

OkieDokieDog June 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I wouldn't eat it. It's probably those tootsie rolls you find in cat litter boxes.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Wait. Those aren't little treats my cat hides for me?

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

That's what my parents' dog seems to think they are.

Chet Kincaid June 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

They're not Cheetos?!

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:23 pm

What is YOUR kitty eating?

Spurning Beer June 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

What Newt is full of may have started out as candy, but….

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:04 pm

"if you hit Newt Gingrich with a bat candy would fall out."

Well, it was candy this morning.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:12 pm

And even if you're mistaken, you'd still get to hit Newt Gingrich with a bat, so there's that to be considered.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:12 am

There's really no way to predict what would fall out — but I'm all for the scientific method. And large values of N … I love large values of N.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:03 am

I think you mean if you hit him with votes!

rickmaci June 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Jaime Crow law?

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Houston, we have a piñata problem. And retards. We have retards.

Chet Kincaid June 25, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Hm, I wonder what Hispanics should ban to keep white people from gentrifying their neighborhoods?

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:27 pm

BMW's?

anniegetyerfun June 25, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Acuras.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Sweater vests.

HistoriCat June 25, 2012 at 7:37 pm

In Houston? Get real – what do you ban the remaining 50 weeks of the year?

scvirginia June 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Gringos?

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Buttsecks?

MissTaken June 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Starbucks?

Fare la Volpe June 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Hate crimes?

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:03 am

Oh, that was so bad it was good.

fitley June 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Cheesecake? Doughnuts?

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Banning doughnuts would keep out Mitt Romney as well as Homer Simpson, so that's at least a good start.

Boojum June 26, 2012 at 12:52 am

Have you noticed that you never see Rmoney and Homer Simpson in the same place at the same time? Coincidence? I think not.

tessiee June 26, 2012 at 12:57 am

Not a coincidence at all. Homer can't stand to be around Romney; it reminds him too much of Mr. Burns.

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Unaffordable housing.

Extemporanus June 25, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Domestics?

("Hispano, prohibición de ti mismo!")

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Hitler?

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Too soon!

Rotundo_ June 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Any vehicle with bumper stickers, TrukNutz! or confederate flags. Any vehicle with audible Limbaugh or Hannity.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I would like to ban these from everywhere, plz.

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I actually like TruckNutz! and think they at least provide a modicum of sex ed to the abstinence-only states.

kingofmeh June 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm

The Eagles' Greatest Hits

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm

White people?

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Velveeta, Wonderbread, and Miracle Whip.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:04 am

The Dave Matthews Band? An Apple store?

Joshua Norton June 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Just hand all the kids guns instead. Let's see them put a sign up about that.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Stand Your Pinata

Beowoof June 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

All Hispanic celebrations will be confined to a deserted warehouse parking lot. And don't forget that they should hire some illegals to clean up the mess when they're done.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Pinatas suck. They are never, in real life, as good as they make them look in movies and stuff. It's Mexican propaganda. In real life they end up being too tough to open so some big dude ends up beating to death and/or ripping apart what is most likely the effigy of a person or animal. After that, invariably, some four year old almost gets trampled to death trying to get a goddamned tootsie roll. Stupid piñatas.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:24 am

And they do not break into pieces, which means they do not in reality create litter. Not that "reality" counts for anything in Texas.

philpjfry June 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Fill it with Tequila and encase it in salted lemon. Problem solved. As a bonus, the kids will be better behaved and no sugar high.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 5:30 pm

So much for "talk softly and carry a big stick." America needs moar screamers with Glocks.

SoBeach June 25, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I say ban 'em. As a veteran of countless kiddie birthday parties I know all a pinata means is dad is getting whacked in the nuts by a blindfolded kid swinging a broom stick.

Come here a minute June 25, 2012 at 5:32 pm

A piñata ban surely is a ban on Mexicans, because Mexicans can't go five minutes without having to take a whack at a piñata. Admit it, José, you know it's true.

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

You know you Juana.

clblabin June 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Sorry about this guys, it's just so fucking hot down here right now we're all kind of pissed off and taking it out on the Mexicans. Don't forget about our lesbian mayor, though!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm

What's next, a ban on cheap Mexican whores?

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 5:42 pm

…from my cold, dead fingers.

Rotundo_ June 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Shouldn't be talking about Mittens dad that way.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm

When Pinatas are outlawed, only outlaws will have Pinatas.

mavenmaven June 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Its only OK in Texas if the pinata is an effigy of Obama.

el_donaldo June 25, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I'm sorry, Mr. Diaz, but your traffic sign comparison is not apt. Low-riders are never driven any faster than 20 miles an hour. That's a different problem.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Piñatas, cultural icon though they be, are menaces to society. What's more dangerous than revving a kid up with thoughts of a shower of candy, blindfolding him, and having him swing a stick at something he can't see while a crowd edges closer and closer so they can dive on the loot? Anytime a piñata is involved, you just know someone's going to get hit upside the face with a stick. Now if you took a shotgun to that thing, it would probably be okay by the authorities, 'cause you know — guns are sacred.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:42 pm

"No Piñatas Allowed On Park Grounds Leash Law Will Be Enforced". Is that for wayward piñatas that run away from parties because they don't want to die?

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Your piñatas must be chained up outside the park, or confined to specially-marked, fenced-in "piñata runs".

And technically, piñatas are not "on park grounds", they're suspended in the air. Else they're doing it wrong.

MissTaken June 25, 2012 at 5:43 pm

But can I smack Leon Panetta with a stick?

Jukesgrrl June 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Only if I can play, too.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I see nothing to object to there.

randcoolcatdaddy June 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm

No messy party favors in public parks.

But I guess it's still okay to bash Messicans. As long as you clean up the mess.

fitley June 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm

In Los Angeles they allow pinatas but the cops prefer to hit black people with their sticks.

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

After Diaz complained about the signage – posting on social media, talking on radio stations and inspiring an editorial in the Houston Chronicle – county officials decided to take another look at the policy.
"We don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings," said Mark Seegars, a spokesman for Commissioner Jack Cagle.  "The signs are coming down while we review the best way to put the message out to people that we need their help in keeping litter out of the parks."

Gee, how might that message be communicated? I don't suppose a "Do Not Litter" sign would do the trick?

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Or maybe they should be PC and post the "No fucking Pinatas" sign in spanish? Would that help?

SheriffRoscoe June 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Candy just doesn't have the same taste unless I've whacked something to smithereens to get it.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:09 pm

But enough about your sex life.
*Ba*dum*tish*!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:29 am

That may explain why your parents stopped giving you Easter baskets.

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

scenario in which some jerks might smash piñatas and leave their mess everywhere

Is that the latest euphemism for spanking the monkey? Cute…

anniegetyerfun June 25, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Jukesgrrl June 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Make a pinata in the shape of Kim Kardashian's ass and everyone will be feliz.

tessiee June 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Would it also be the *size* of Kim K's ass? Because that could create a lot of jerbs in the papier-mache industry.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:30 am

Candy sales would triple.

chascates June 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
tessiee June 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Just a theory:

The rich white fucktards in Houston who pay Mexicans 50 cents a day for slave labor may be stupid, but they're not SO stupid that they don't realize what a tempting target they make to a person holding a baseball bat.

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Awesome. I didn't realize just how stereotypical I am. It also feeds into my theory that I'm just a computer program which relies heavily on the White Guy Algorithm.

In white culture, giving away information about a film or TV series is considered as rude as spitting on your mothers grave. It is an unforgivable offense.

Yes. Yes it is.

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Stereotypes are a real time-saver.

EDIT: Wait! That's something that white people like, too!

RavenRant June 25, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Years of editing real life disaster videos has taught me to avoid the two most dangerous things in America – air shows and las piñatas.

ElPinche June 26, 2012 at 1:39 am

No no…silly gringos. There will always be piñatas.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:10 am

I don't know about banning piñatas, but I'd not be aganst banning these pinche pendejos.

mannacler June 26, 2012 at 8:33 am

Are pinatas that look like Annise Parker still allowed?

ttommyunger June 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I'll be dead and gone when it happens, but payback isn going to be a bitch. White boys only think they know how to be mean; they've never seen a really pissed-off Messican.

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