END OF THE WORLD AS HE KNOWS IT  4:25 pm June 25, 2012

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle At The End Of The World

by Lloyd Dangle

Forget it, Jake, it's TroubletownThings may suck here in the United States, but they’re wayyyy screwed in Europe. Chancellors, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Kings and Dukes have been convening summits weekly trying to figure out what to do about the hemorrhaging debt crisis. The steps taken so far, bailing out Portugal, Ireland, Greece and now Spain have been the kind of foot-dragging, head-burying half-measures that have long given Europeans the reputation for being pussies. It even made President Obama wag his finger disapprovingly and give them a nasty scolding. It could be, as the Wall Street Journal imaginatively called it, Europe’s ‘Last Chance Saloon’ when the gunslingers meet later this week in Brussels. With the Germans being total dicks about the whole situation, anything short of a miracle will likely result in credit defaults, total disintegration of the European Union, upheaval in the bond markets, runs on banks, hyper-inflation, and a global financial meltdown on a scale not seen since the 1930s, if ever.

Thankfully I’m aboard a jet to The Continent right now –– intrepid cartoonist, journalist –– with my comfy docksiders, sketchbooks, and an iPad full of language translation apps –– on exclusive assignment for your Wonkette. There’ll be a lot of hard drinking and risky behavior of the type that goes on in any world hot spot during civilization changing events, but presumably I’ll have an endless supply of good coffee and buttery croissants so it won’t exactly be Syria. I’ll be giving you micro and macro lessons in global economics while on the ground revealing the horrors faced by your average cheese-shoveling Parisienne, your indebted goat-herding Greek, your bureaucratic Italian ticket-taker, and your hyper-efficient tightened-butt-cheeks German hersteller.

But most importantly I’ll be reporting the effects of the shitstorm on God’s favorite country –– the USA –– and what world depression will mean for Obama’s reelection chances. I’m going to Switzerland to pay a visit to Mitt Romney’s money. And most fun –– I’ll be looking into how us fatsos can take advantage of the volatility and panic to buy booze, Italian loafers, cuckoo clocks, and other Euro crap on the cheap. Hey, they’ve always done it to us –– loading up on jeans and Harley paraphernalia in the States, acting as though they were shopping in Tijuana. I’ve had my eye on a stuffed boar head that I’ve never been able to afford. That’s gonna change. Who knows, with $15,000 credit limit on my Visa I might end up with a villa when the shit hits the fan on Friday.

Lloyd Dangle is president-in-exile of Troubletown.

 
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{ 87 comments }

IncenseDebate June 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

It must be nice to Dangle all over Europe.

flamingpdog June 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I think that's what Italy is for.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Virginia is for lovers, Italy is for danglers.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:29 am

And Germany is for Cleveland Steamers.

BoatOfVelociraptors June 26, 2012 at 3:47 am

Scheisse libel?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Is he a Klingon?

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Does he make around the world in less than 80 days?

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I highly recommend "Harry's Bar" in Paris, the standard size Martini is a quadruple.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

The Victorian pub in London, where I'm told one might still mop up the bitter tears of football fans from the weekend and twist them into your pint of bitter.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:29 am

Who came up with that? Some English expat?

Extemporanus June 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm

At last, we can calculate the exchange rate of the heat of the meat.

(Welcome aboard, sir!)

metamarcisf June 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

The Germany – Italy semi-final on Thursday will bring back fond memories of the Axis.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Watch them meet at midfield, then turn on the French team…

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:30 am

Then watch Germany get distracted by Russian hooligans.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Wanna Play "Words With Friends" with me while you travel? It's a great way to piss off the cabin crew.

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

"Chancellors, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Kings and Dukes have been convening summits weekly trying to figure out what to do about the hemorrhaging debt crisis"

But they've been secretly meeting with Scott Brown, so they should all know what to do just fine now.

JudasPeckerwood June 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

YAY! Lloyd Dangle is here!

Extemporanus June 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Troubletown is dearly missed, but its passing is but a small price to pay if it means that its Founding Father now has time to diddle Europe and doodle Our Wonkette.

scvirginia June 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Is it my imagination, or are your Rorschach's changing on a regular basis?

Extemporanus June 25, 2012 at 6:34 pm

So…

Tell me about your mother.

scvirginia June 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Hey, this is a really nice couch!

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I flew around the world twice on business trips in November 1990, boy were my arms tired when I got home.

Angry_Marmot June 25, 2012 at 4:36 pm

How much extra for "Around the World"?

Spurning Beer June 25, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Is this going to be on the test?

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I don't know why people are so worried, the Germans have always taken care to look out for the best interests of the rest of Europe.

vulpes82 June 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm

It's so ironic that if the Germans had just been a little more uber alles a year or two ago, things actually would be better! They kept saying, "Nein! Nein! All that European domination is behind us!"

Barb June 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Here's some good advice for you, never start a game of peek-a-boo with the toddler in the seat in front of you. The little bitch will never catch on at it will always be you and she won't let you stop.

flamingpdog June 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Drink!?

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I'll bet Aaron Sorkin would know what to do.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Can you draw a funny cartoon of Angela Merkel as Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS?

flamingpdog June 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I’ll be looking into how us fatsos can take advantage of the volatility and panic to buy booze, Italian loafers, cuckoo clocks, and other Euro crap on the cheap.

Thank Darwin, we finally know your name, Lloyd!

Isyaignert June 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

That is one fat mofo. If he ever had to have surgery, they'd have to use a chain saw on him.

BaldarTFlagass June 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The last time the Germans tried to "save" Europe, things didn't work out so well.

Baconzgood June 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

So the banks fucked Europe again.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Come on, what's your real name "Lloyd Dangle"? I know gay porn stars with more believable monikers.

flamingpdog June 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Really, I mean, Lloyd???

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Right? I mean, double consonants at the beginning of a name is SOCIALIST!

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Thank god his name's not Lloyd Llewellyn or something like that.

lisawines June 25, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Would that mean we would have to pronounce it like they do in Wales – thloyd thlewethlyn?

vulpes82 June 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

He's a Raging Stallion exclusive, I think.

UW8316154 June 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm

LIEUTENANT DANGLE LIBEL!!1!

Isyaignert June 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

You know gay porn stars?

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Scott Brown has been having secret meetings with Kings and Queens, so I'm sure everything will work out.

flamingpdog June 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Did he watch the glee while your kings and queens fought for ten decades
for the Gods they made?

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Then shouted out "who killed the Bilderbergs?"
when after all, it was you and me.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 25, 2012 at 4:43 pm

When aren't Germans being total dicks?

flamingpdog June 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

When they're total cunts?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 25, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Lloyd Dangle is not a real person.

mavenmaven June 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

"no more soup for you, Spain"

MosesInvests June 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Next!

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm

No more Spain for you, Spain.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

You should get some if the good kind of immigrants (not Italians) to come back with you.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:36 am

Whassamattawitu!?!

Elisabetta Canalis libel!

vulpes82 June 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Germans with taut Arschen aren't a bad thing in my porn… I mean, book. My porn book.

fuflans June 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm

i am imagining our intrepid hard drinking lloyd dangle to be all kinds of inky dark swoon-worthy-ness.

please do nothing to disabuse me of this notion.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Me? I won't.

I'll just point and whistle….

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Is Europe still around? I thought it had been sold to the Chinese.

Lascauxcaveman June 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

No, that was America.

BlueStateLibel June 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Hillary, is that you?

Guppy June 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I’m aboard a jet to The Continent right now… on exclusive assignment for your Wonkette

So, how much did it cost to ship an adult man to Europe through UPS?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm

According to the UPS website, for a 150 pound man, it would cost short of $200 for air freight. It would not get there for a week, however. Express freight is almost $1300, but given our Editrix's propensities, I'd guess he's peeing in his crate a lot.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2012 at 5:02 pm

He's getting the "paid grave site visitor" rate.

fuflans June 25, 2012 at 5:08 pm

i wish i'd thought of that.

emmelemm June 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Welcome, sir! I look forward to your European Vacation Observations!

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Shouldn't we be asking Chevy Chase for those?

Lascauxcaveman June 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

And don't cut the German milkmaid scene like they always do on the movie-rerun channels!

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I’ll be giving you micro and macro lessons in global economics while on the ground revealing the horrors faced by your average cheese-shoveling Parisienne, your indebted goat-herding Greek, your bureaucratic Italian ticket-taker, and your hyper-efficient tightened-butt-cheeks German hersteller.

What, no love for your drunken injustice – articulating Irish writers?

Seriously, Lloyd, welcome and I look forward to reading the details about the European shitstorm.

Blueb4sunrise June 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm

See, guys ARE funnier.

Also, Mr. Dangle, since Lisa Wines won't do it, maybe you will re-shoot this photo of Toulouse Lautrec for the greater glory of Teh Wonkette.
http://www.timeout.com/london/art/event/225529/so

Will Stab For Food June 25, 2012 at 5:02 pm

What makes this article so good is not the motion of the notion, but the angle of the dangle.

fuflans June 25, 2012 at 5:02 pm

in times of stress, we realize how much we miss silvio.

Guppy June 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I hear the prices of "bunga bunga" are also dropping.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Oh, hey, I liked that cartoon in the free weekly paper. Until I moved, and the free weekly in the new place didn't have it, just some locally produced shit that I never read.

(Did I write a letter to request Troubletown? No. I am the apathetic public, and I am the death of quality comix)

GeorgiaBurning June 25, 2012 at 5:04 pm

When in doubt, drink with them.

fuflans June 25, 2012 at 5:09 pm

words to live by sir, words to live by.

Estproph June 25, 2012 at 5:11 pm

My God that's a funny name! It can't be his real name, can it ? Can you imagine growing up with the name "Lloyd"!?

Isyaignert June 25, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I always wondered 'sup with the two "LLs?" Seems like overkill.

qwerty42 June 25, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Won't the folks in Europe to expect you to have, I dunno, six guns and grenades?

Chet Kincaid June 25, 2012 at 5:34 pm

So long as our beer money isn't being used to fund this…

Chet Kincaid June 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

(In Kiwi accent:) Lisa Wines and Lloyd Dangle are our final two contestants, in a race around the world…

BelleSC June 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

When will you be in Switzerland?

Also, is this your first trip to The Continent?

Travel safe. I hope the weather is cooler there than here.

chascates June 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Please find out if their TV or radio shows regularly feature screaming idiots paranoid about how their country (favored by God above all others) is going to hell because of immigrants, lack of/wrong kind of religion, progressive taxation, or uppity gayz/coloredz/womynz.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:38 am

Yeah, they've got that country. It's called Greece, and they even punch ladies on live television, even, and elect avowed Nazis! What fun!

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:31 am

I can't be the only one reading his name as "Lord" Dangle, am I?

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:40 am

Crazy to think that the Euro could fall apart before Belgium does.

ttommyunger June 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Moar likely to come home with a vicious case of the Clapp.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

yeth.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 2:34 am

Welsh is like Scottish, but with even more phlegm.

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