end of the world as he knows it

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle At The End Of The World

Forget it, Jake, it's TroubletownThings may suck here in the United States, but they’re wayyyy screwed in Europe. Chancellors, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Kings and Dukes have been convening summits weekly trying to figure out what to do about the hemorrhaging debt crisis. The steps taken so far, bailing out Portugal, Ireland, Greece and now Spain have been the kind of foot-dragging, head-burying half-measures that have long given Europeans the reputation for being pussies. It even made President Obama wag his finger disapprovingly and give them a nasty scolding. It could be, as the Wall Street Journal imaginatively called it, Europe’s ‘Last Chance Saloon’ when the gunslingers meet later this week in Brussels. With the Germans being total dicks about the whole situation, anything short of a miracle will likely result in credit defaults, total disintegration of the European Union, upheaval in the bond markets, runs on banks, hyper-inflation, and a global financial meltdown on a scale not seen since the 1930s, if ever.

Thankfully I’m aboard a jet to The Continent right now –– intrepid cartoonist, journalist –– with my comfy docksiders, sketchbooks, and an iPad full of language translation apps –– on exclusive assignment for your Wonkette. There’ll be a lot of hard drinking and risky behavior of the type that goes on in any world hot spot during civilization changing events, but presumably I’ll have an endless supply of good coffee and buttery croissants so it won’t exactly be Syria. I’ll be giving you micro and macro lessons in global economics while on the ground revealing the horrors faced by your average cheese-shoveling Parisienne, your indebted goat-herding Greek, your bureaucratic Italian ticket-taker, and your hyper-efficient tightened-butt-cheeks German hersteller.

But most importantly I’ll be reporting the effects of the shitstorm on God’s favorite country –– the USA –– and what world depression will mean for Obama’s reelection chances. I’m going to Switzerland to pay a visit to Mitt Romney’s money. And most fun –– I’ll be looking into how us fatsos can take advantage of the volatility and panic to buy booze, Italian loafers, cuckoo clocks, and other Euro crap on the cheap. Hey, they’ve always done it to us –– loading up on jeans and Harley paraphernalia in the States, acting as though they were shopping in Tijuana. I’ve had my eye on a stuffed boar head that I’ve never been able to afford. That’s gonna change. Who knows, with $15,000 credit limit on my Visa I might end up with a villa when the shit hits the fan on Friday.

Lloyd Dangle is president-in-exile of Troubletown.

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Hola wonkerados.

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87 comments

  1. nounverb911

    I highly recommend "Harry's Bar" in Paris, the standard size Martini is a quadruple.

    1. actor212

      The Victorian pub in London, where I'm told one might still mop up the bitter tears of football fans from the weekend and twist them into your pint of bitter.

  2. Extemporanus

    At last, we can calculate the exchange rate of the heat of the meat.

    (Welcome aboard, sir!)

  3. metamarcisf

    The Germany – Italy semi-final on Thursday will bring back fond memories of the Axis.

  4. Barb

    Wanna Play "Words With Friends" with me while you travel? It's a great way to piss off the cabin crew.

  5. SorosBot

    "Chancellors, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Kings and Dukes have been convening summits weekly trying to figure out what to do about the hemorrhaging debt crisis"

    But they've been secretly meeting with Scott Brown, so they should all know what to do just fine now.

    1. Extemporanus

      Troubletown is dearly missed, but its passing is but a small price to pay if it means that its Founding Father now has time to diddle Europe and doodle Our Wonkette.

  6. nounverb911

    I flew around the world twice on business trips in November 1990, boy were my arms tired when I got home.

  7. SorosBot

    I don't know why people are so worried, the Germans have always taken care to look out for the best interests of the rest of Europe.

    1. vulpes82

      It's so ironic that if the Germans had just been a little more uber alles a year or two ago, things actually would be better! They kept saying, "Nein! Nein! All that European domination is behind us!"

  8. Barb

    Here's some good advice for you, never start a game of peek-a-boo with the toddler in the seat in front of you. The little bitch will never catch on at it will always be you and she won't let you stop.

  9. flamingpdog

    I’ll be looking into how us fatsos can take advantage of the volatility and panic to buy booze, Italian loafers, cuckoo clocks, and other Euro crap on the cheap.

    Thank Darwin, we finally know your name, Lloyd!

    1. Isyaignert

      That is one fat mofo. If he ever had to have surgery, they'd have to use a chain saw on him.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    The last time the Germans tried to "save" Europe, things didn't work out so well.

  11. not that Radio

    Scott Brown has been having secret meetings with Kings and Queens, so I'm sure everything will work out.

    1. flamingpdog

      Did he watch the glee while your kings and queens fought for ten decades
      for the Gods they made?

      1. not that Radio

        Then shouted out "who killed the Bilderbergs?"
        when after all, it was you and me.

  12. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    You should get some if the good kind of immigrants (not Italians) to come back with you.

  13. vulpes82

    Germans with taut Arschen aren't a bad thing in my porn… I mean, book. My porn book.

  14. fuflans

    i am imagining our intrepid hard drinking lloyd dangle to be all kinds of inky dark swoon-worthy-ness.

    please do nothing to disabuse me of this notion.

  15. Guppy

    I’m aboard a jet to The Continent right now… on exclusive assignment for your Wonkette

    So, how much did it cost to ship an adult man to Europe through UPS?

    1. actor212

      According to the UPS website, for a 150 pound man, it would cost short of $200 for air freight. It would not get there for a week, however. Express freight is almost $1300, but given our Editrix's propensities, I'd guess he's peeing in his crate a lot.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And don't cut the German milkmaid scene like they always do on the movie-rerun channels!

  16. Callyson

    I’ll be giving you micro and macro lessons in global economics while on the ground revealing the horrors faced by your average cheese-shoveling Parisienne, your indebted goat-herding Greek, your bureaucratic Italian ticket-taker, and your hyper-efficient tightened-butt-cheeks German hersteller.

    What, no love for your drunken injustice – articulating Irish writers?

    Seriously, Lloyd, welcome and I look forward to reading the details about the European shitstorm.

  17. Will Stab For Food

    What makes this article so good is not the motion of the notion, but the angle of the dangle.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    Oh, hey, I liked that cartoon in the free weekly paper. Until I moved, and the free weekly in the new place didn't have it, just some locally produced shit that I never read.

    (Did I write a letter to request Troubletown? No. I am the apathetic public, and I am the death of quality comix)

  19. Estproph

    My God that's a funny name! It can't be his real name, can it ? Can you imagine growing up with the name "Lloyd"!?

  20. BelleSC

    When will you be in Switzerland?

    Also, is this your first trip to The Continent?

    Travel safe. I hope the weather is cooler there than here.

  21. chascates

    Please find out if their TV or radio shows regularly feature screaming idiots paranoid about how their country (favored by God above all others) is going to hell because of immigrants, lack of/wrong kind of religion, progressive taxation, or uppity gayz/coloredz/womynz.

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, they've got that country. It's called Greece, and they even punch ladies on live television, even, and elect avowed Nazis! What fun!

Comments are closed.