it's got herbs and spices

Poor, Stupid Americans Outsource Fire Hydrant Repair To KFC

finger lickin goodSome six thousand years ago, when George Washington and Jesus were walking through colonial Williamsburg with their friends the dinosaurs, our Founding Fathers wrote a Constitution laying out a broad vision for what government should and shouldn’t do in a free country. Their “should do” list was fairly basic: “establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity” and so forth.

Well, screw those east coast hippy ‘lites and their socialist “general Welfare” nonsense. Collecting taxes to fund normal government functions like public safety, transportation infrastructure, and universal education is a lot of commie rot.

We like it when fire departments keep our meth labs from burning down, but by gumit, we’ll be damned if those parasite looters think they can tax us to pay for it. Instead of behaving like a society of self-reliant grown-ups, we let Kentucky Fried Chicken fix broken fire hydrants in exchange for “branding” opportunities.

KFC became a pioneer in this kind of unconventional ad placement earlier in the downturn, when it temporarily plastered its logo on manhole covers and fire hydrants in several cities in Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee after paying to fill potholes and replace hydrants.

Pizza chains now advertise on some school buses, as a growing number of states consider allowing school districts to sell ads. The Baltimore City Council member who wrote the legislation urging the city to sell ads on fire trucks, William Welch, said he was simply trying to find a way to help the city meet its growing needs in a time of dwindling revenues and support.

Remember how, in that delightful Mike Judge documentary Idiocracy, President Romney Comacho’s Secretary of State John Bolton David Herman kept saying “brought to you by Carl’s, Jr.” because “it’s a good way to make money”? That’s our future bitches.

Pretty soon your local firemen will use water Brawndo seasoned with the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices to save your doublewide from melting into a festering clump of charred vinyl.

Dystopia! Brought to you by Carl’s Jr. [NYT]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
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  1. DrunkIrishman

    The very first KFC is located a few miles from my house…in Salt Lake City, Utah.

    Figure that one out.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Not that hard to figure out – southerners knew that pressure cooker shit wasn't real southern fried chicken (which is even greasier, believe it or not).

      1. Terry

        Real fried chicken, whether southern style or Maryland style, doesn't have a frickin half inch of batter on it. You just need enough to coat the piece of chicken to seal in the juices and get the surface really crispy. Too much batter and you're eating greasy fried flour that happens to have a piece of chicken as it's delivery surface.

    2. Negropolis

      Crazy. I'd have figured that friend chicken would be too "spirited" for SLC. I mean, everyone knows that texture and flavor are of the devil. I mean, I would think the crunch alone would disqualify it as kosher.

  2. nounverb911

    Does this mean we can sue KFC when the fire dept screws up and the house burns down?

  3. Barb

    Q: What does a Kentucky Fried Chicken and the women of Fox News have in common?
    A: If you take away the legs and the breast you're left with a smelly greasy box.

        1. Barb

          Sweetheart, I swear to God, I am SO sorry. Thank you, sincerely for adding a most excellent post. Lots of stress today. Last day of Jeff's vacay and he needs clean clothes for work tomorrow, it's the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death, which I only knew because it is the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death (lol) and Christine's new baby still hasn't had her open heart surgery. I'm a stupid hot mess today and I hope you will forgive me, please.

  4. Callyson

    Well, this makes sense. Last time I had KFC I found out that they are very proficient at burning things…

      1. glasspusher

        Can't resist reaching here:

        If KBr owned KFC, that would explain why it's salty, and impotence would be a side effect!

  5. Stevola

    Pizza places should advertise on manhole covers, because of the shape. That or gay sex shops, because, manholes.

    1. Negropolis

      I actually tried one of those as a joke…and ended up loving it. It was horrible. I felt so dirty, afterwards. I ate it with a fork and knife and dipped it in ketchup. God, I'm so embarrassed. lol

  6. shelwood46

    The best part about the hydrant pictured is that you'd have to completely destroy that idiotic bucket on top to even turn the hydrant on.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      Was thinking that these things are invitations to spray paint and/or baseball bat.

  7. owhatever

    It takes money to run fire departments, people, and vulture capitalists do it better than that cheap one-engine thing you have in your area. If Colorado had paid its bill to the Halliburton Fire Agency, those wildfires would not be burning out of control today. Is Mitt's house on fire? No. Take personal responsibility, and don't expect government-paid union thugs to come fight your battles.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      But only on the elbows….FYI, that revisionist reading of the sign on the cross – it was really an ad for Greek gyros…

  8. OurDailyBread

    "idiocracy" : film at 11:00, rather than a comedy about how America will be dumb in 500 years.

  9. dkwrangler

    It sure seems like crazy just keeps getting piled on more crazy in the good ol' U S of A.

  10. BarackMyWorld

    Does it spray water or fountain drinks? I'm sure Pepsi could quench a fire about as well as it does a thirst.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Unless you can put out a fire with 16 ounces or less, this won't work in New York City.

    1. CivicHoliday

      curly-fries for handcuffs! you may end up with wrist burns but DAMN they are delicious

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Allowing private corporations to turn a small profit on each arrest and conviction? What could possibly go wrong?

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I'm all for it but the genius who thought up putting an advertisement where dogs always piss is going to lose his/her job.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem is that the Founders had no money, so they didn't understand taxation or free speech.

  13. DaveJ

    No way in fuck that John Bolton is going to drink water like out of the toilet, you gay communist.

    Welcome to Cost-Co, I love you.

  14. Goonemeritus

    If we made corporation pay taxes they might have less money to advertise. But failing that maybe Hobo Beans will sponsor one or both of my kids if they wear sandwich boards at college.

  15. DahBoner

    On Tuesday, KFC has a leg & thigh, regular side and a biscuit for $1.99.

    That's practically welfare (to the Deathcare industry)…

  16. Serolf_Divad

    And in other news tonight, a tragic fire on Westview avenue claims the lives of three residents. Amanda Comte died of smoke inhalation when she was trapped in her second floor bedroom. Meanwhile her husband Al and a firefighter who has not yet been named died of arteriosclerosis during the rescue effort.

    1. Negropolis

      You know, you're being funny, but anecdotally, I can't tell you how many firefighters and cops have died on the job due to obesity-related (and just plain clogged artery related) heart attacks.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        That's 'cause cops and firefighters are real, Burgers 'n Bar B Cue eatin' Americans, and not some crypto-Communist Tofu-Vegan.

  17. clblabin

    As a hard-working 'murrican, I'm sick of seeing all these "general welfare queens" using free government shit like roads and police.

  18. Rotundo_

    The last KFC I visited had one toilet out of comission and nobody cleaned up the tables from what was likely lunch trade. Great model for life or death stuff like firefighting equipment and policing.

  19. AddHomonym

    “Good morning and thank you for calling the office of Baltimore City Councilmember William Welch.  Please consider enjoying a Dr. Pepper today! How may I assist you?”

  20. glasspusher

    True story: my first "non paper route" job was at KFC when I was 16. I unintentionally/comically/tragically fucked up a batch of extra crispy, didn't get the directions quite right, then let the meat marinate too long. If anyone's interested I can post the details. I want to do an animated short some time based on this story.

    …and yes, I still occasionally go to KFC.

  21. ibwilliamsi

    Being a good Catholic girl, I feel obligated to point out that it is "ensure the domestic tranquility…" rather than "insure the domestic tranquility".

    "ensure" means to make certain of.

    "insure" means to guarantee against loss or harm.

    FWIW, I had a HUGE fight with someone about this while playing scrabble about mumble mumble years ago when we still used a board and tiles and had no dictionary on hand. He would NOT allow "ensure" because he said it wasn't a word.

    1. fuflans

      you are of course absolutely correct about the grammar. but it is the patsy avatar – the only magnet on my fridge – that is so compelling.

      also: do you still put two spaces after a period?

  22. grace_nearing

    Here in Down the Jersey Shore, companies pay good money to have their brand/logo stamped in the sand on the beaches. The images are then almost immediately destroyed by beachgoers' feet, seagull pooh, and surging tides. Go figure.

  23. Ducksworthy

    I'm waiting for Pepsico to absorb Correction Corporation of America. I want to see the Taco Bell State Penitentiary ads.

  24. Negropolis

    Just when I think we've become hysterical, things like this come along to prove that, yes, this nation is hastening its descent into pure Idiocracy-styled madness.

  25. Negropolis

    Speaking of firefighting, the mayor of Detroit announced the layed-off of 164 firefighters on a day the city saw 21 fires. Go figure. He's hoping to hire 108 of them back with a federal grant. It's sad. No snark.

  26. Allmighty_Manos

    I assumed that picture was a goofy Photoshop job until clicked on the NYT article. Gawd.

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