Poor, Stupid Americans Outsource Fire Hydrant Repair To KFC

finger lickin goodSome six thousand years ago, when George Washington and Jesus were walking through colonial Williamsburg with their friends the dinosaurs, our Founding Fathers wrote a Constitution laying out a broad vision for what government should and shouldn’t do in a free country. Their “should do” list was fairly basic: “establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity” and so forth.

Well, screw those east coast hippy ‘lites and their socialist “general Welfare” nonsense. Collecting taxes to fund normal government functions like public safety, transportation infrastructure, and universal education is a lot of commie rot.

We like it when fire departments keep our meth labs from burning down, but by gumit, we’ll be damned if those parasite looters think they can tax us to pay for it. Instead of behaving like a society of self-reliant grown-ups, we let Kentucky Fried Chicken fix broken fire hydrants in exchange for “branding” opportunities.

KFC became a pioneer in this kind of unconventional ad placement earlier in the downturn, when it temporarily plastered its logo on manhole covers and fire hydrants in several cities in Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee after paying to fill potholes and replace hydrants.

Pizza chains now advertise on some school buses, as a growing number of states consider allowing school districts to sell ads. The Baltimore City Council member who wrote the legislation urging the city to sell ads on fire trucks, William Welch, said he was simply trying to find a way to help the city meet its growing needs in a time of dwindling revenues and support.

Remember how, in that delightful Mike Judge documentary Idiocracy, President Romney Comacho’s Secretary of State John Bolton David Herman kept saying “brought to you by Carl’s, Jr.” because “it’s a good way to make money”? That’s our future bitches.

Pretty soon your local firemen will use water Brawndo seasoned with the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices to save your doublewide from melting into a festering clump of charred vinyl.

Dystopia! Brought to you by Carl’s Jr. [NYT]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DrunkIrishman

    The very first KFC is located a few miles from my house…in Salt Lake City, Utah.

    Figure that one out.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Explains the extra salty chicken of KFC.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Not that hard to figure out – southerners knew that pressure cooker shit wasn't real southern fried chicken (which is even greasier, believe it or not).

      • DrunkIrishman

        Utah Fried Chicken, served with a side of jell-o.

      • Terry

        Real fried chicken, whether southern style or Maryland style, doesn't have a frickin half inch of batter on it. You just need enough to coat the piece of chicken to seal in the juices and get the surface really crispy. Too much batter and you're eating greasy fried flour that happens to have a piece of chicken as it's delivery surface.

    • Grief_Lessons

      Don't let anyone shoot at it, the grease fire will never go out.

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      American Jeebus job-creates in mysterious wayz.

    • Negropolis

      Crazy. I'd have figured that friend chicken would be too "spirited" for SLC. I mean, everyone knows that texture and flavor are of the devil. I mean, I would think the crunch alone would disqualify it as kosher.

  • nounverb911

    Does this mean we can sue KFC when the fire dept screws up and the house burns down?

  • Barb

    Beats the shit out of your house becoming extra crispy.

    • Crank_Tango

      Original!

    • Negropolis

      I prefer mine grilled.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Dogs are still allowed to piss on them, right?

    • nounverb911

      Only when riding on the roof of your car.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Of course! You're talking about KFC chicken pieces, right?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Did you really think there were actually 11 herbs and spices?

    • Negropolis

      Well, that explains the taste of the cole slaw.

    • ttommyunger

      That, after all, is the highest and best use for all KFC products.

  • johnnymeatworth

    I'm sure all that grease is an increased fire hazard.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Gubbiment, cause it's gotz elektrolytes!

    • extreme_left

      gubbiment??.. sounds kind of faggy.

  • nounverb911

    Baltimore FD sponsored by Acme Arsonists?

  • Barb

    Q: What does a Kentucky Fried Chicken and the women of Fox News have in common?
    A: If you take away the legs and the breast you're left with a smelly greasy box.

    • Nothingisamiss

      ….and WIN.

      • Barb

        Thanks, Nothingisamiss.

    • CapnRadio

      We also would have accepted the optional "to put your bone in."

      • CapnRadio

        Thanks for nothing, Cap'n! *shugs* (shove-hugs lol)

        • Barb

          Sweetheart, I swear to God, I am SO sorry. Thank you, sincerely for adding a most excellent post. Lots of stress today. Last day of Jeff's vacay and he needs clean clothes for work tomorrow, it's the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death, which I only knew because it is the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death (lol) and Christine's new baby still hasn't had her open heart surgery. I'm a stupid hot mess today and I hope you will forgive me, please.

      • radio-of-owls

        Seriously? Sometimes recycling is NOT a good thing.

        • Barb

          Who are you talking to, Radio-of-owls?

    • Fairtackle

      Barb, you are on fire today.

      • Barb

        That's cute and funny, Fair!

    • Boojum

      Finger lickin'…erp…

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Okay…that's just a pure win, right there.

      • Barb

        Thanks, Butch-hugs.

    • glasspusher

      Brutal! Keep up the good work.

      • Barb

        Thanks, Glasspusher!

    • extreme_left

      lol.. brutal! love it

      • Barb

        Thanks, Extreme. I upfist your awesomeness.

  • Callyson

    Well, this makes sense. Last time I had KFC I found out that they are very proficient at burning things…

  • metamarcisf

    Calm down, pilgrims. Dinner at Buttfuckers is on me.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Do we have time to stop at Starbucks for a hand job?

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        Not Sure.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Just wait till parents sell the naming rights of their children…
    "Madison, Dylan and Burger King™ get over here right now!"

    • nounverb911

      Haven't the Palins's been doing that for years?

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Not until they name one of their 'lil bastards 'Taser'.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I thought they already did.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Did Halliburton buy KFC?

    • hippie13

      different kinda grease

      • glasspusher

        Can't resist reaching here:

        If KBr owned KFC, that would explain why it's salty, and impotence would be a side effect!

  • ProgressiveInga

    I wonder what Hooters will sponsor?

    • Extemporanus

      Woodsy?

    • AbandonHope

      Spotted owl sanctuaries, obviously.

    • PubOption

      Tornado sirens?

    • Negropolis

      The blue footed boobies at the local zoo? The barn owls?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Fire hydrants as well, but they will be shaped differently. Actually, I think that's a fantastic idea.

  • Stevola

    Pizza places should advertise on manhole covers, because of the shape. That or gay sex shops, because, manholes.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Double Down!

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Don't forget the "failure pile in a sadness bowl" Famous Bowl.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        Yes, we can pile that in a bowl, uh, but we can also arrange it on a plate like you're an adult with self-respect and dignity.

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          Unless it's Death Plate– The Plate That Eats People.

    • Negropolis

      I actually tried one of those as a joke…and ended up loving it. It was horrible. I felt so dirty, afterwards. I ate it with a fork and knife and dipped it in ketchup. God, I'm so embarrassed. lol

  • Generation[redacted]

    That fire hydrant has electrolytes.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Oh noes, that means the corrosion will be starting in 3, 2, 1…

    • http://www.awebcomic.com TheLifeSilica

      It's what fires crave!

  • shelwood46

    The best part about the hydrant pictured is that you'd have to completely destroy that idiotic bucket on top to even turn the hydrant on.

  • mavenmaven

    Can't wait till McDonald's starts arming the military.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Maybe they'll finally catch that goddamn Hamburglar.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Lob Big Macs at the enemy, and wait for them to die? Slow, but effective.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can't wait until KFC is so small we can drown it in a bathtub.

    • Fairtackle

      Or a side of watery mashed potatoes.

    • Negropolis

      I've drowned it one too many times in a medium pepsi. :(

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    in exchange for “branding” opportunities.

    No matter how you slice it, it's still graffiti.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Was thinking that these things are invitations to spray paint and/or baseball bat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Please do not disparage graffiti.

  • owhatever

    It takes money to run fire departments, people, and vulture capitalists do it better than that cheap one-engine thing you have in your area. If Colorado had paid its bill to the Halliburton Fire Agency, those wildfires would not be burning out of control today. Is Mitt's house on fire? No. Take personal responsibility, and don't expect government-paid union thugs to come fight your battles.

  • Fairtackle

    No many people know this, but Jesus wore sponsor patches on his robe.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Tons of 'em when he had to be NASCAR Jesus.

      • Fairtackle

        Ezra's Money Changing

      • Negropolis

        God, NASCAR Jesus sounds like the perfect name for a band and/or a hipster.

    • Toomush_Infer

      But only on the elbows….FYI, that revisionist reading of the sign on the cross – it was really an ad for Greek gyros…

    • extreme_left

      The Cross was sponsored by Lowe's.

  • Extemporanus

    Just wing it, America!

  • OurDailyBread

    "idiocracy" : film at 11:00, rather than a comedy about how America will be dumb in 500 years.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Pfff! Like it's gonna take that long.

  • dkwrangler

    It sure seems like crazy just keeps getting piled on more crazy in the good ol' U S of A.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Does it spray water or fountain drinks? I'm sure Pepsi could quench a fire about as well as it does a thirst.

    • anniegetyerfun

      It sprays a fine mist of Mountain Dew.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      As long as it doesn't spray their shitty fucking gravy.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Unless you can put out a fire with 16 ounces or less, this won't work in New York City.

  • bikerlaureate

    Free-market law enforcement is going to be so kewl.

    • extreme_left

      Free Happy meal with every third arrest!

    • CivicHoliday

      curly-fries for handcuffs! you may end up with wrist burns but DAMN they are delicious

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Allowing private corporations to turn a small profit on each arrest and conviction? What could possibly go wrong?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I'm all for it but the genius who thought up putting an advertisement where dogs always piss is going to lose his/her job.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Are you sure it's not already part of the Colonel's secret recipe? Mmmmm, finger-lickin' good.

  • Hammiepants

    We're all in "Robocop" now, aren't we?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      I'd buy that for a dollar, et al. I am surprised that in this plane of existence, KFC replaces OCP as the corporation to build New Detroit.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem is that the Founders had no money, so they didn't understand taxation or free speech.

  • DaveJ

    No way in fuck that John Bolton is going to drink water like out of the toilet, you gay communist.

    Welcome to Cost-Co, I love you.

    • extreme_left

      communist?.. that sounds smart.. maybe you're the smartest guy in the world.

  • chascates

    Your local police car brought to you by Smith & Wesson!

  • hippie13

    Maybe Oscar Meyer can sponsor house fires…at least there will be snacks.

  • Goonemeritus

    If we made corporation pay taxes they might have less money to advertise. But failing that maybe Hobo Beans will sponsor one or both of my kids if they wear sandwich boards at college.

  • DahBoner

    On Tuesday, KFC has a leg & thigh, regular side and a biscuit for $1.99.

    That's practically welfare (to the Deathcare industry)…

  • Serolf_Divad

    And in other news tonight, a tragic fire on Westview avenue claims the lives of three residents. Amanda Comte died of smoke inhalation when she was trapped in her second floor bedroom. Meanwhile her husband Al and a firefighter who has not yet been named died of arteriosclerosis during the rescue effort.

    • Negropolis

      You know, you're being funny, but anecdotally, I can't tell you how many firefighters and cops have died on the job due to obesity-related (and just plain clogged artery related) heart attacks.

      • Serolf_Divad

        That's 'cause cops and firefighters are real, Burgers 'n Bar B Cue eatin' Americans, and not some crypto-Communist Tofu-Vegan.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    Is that picture for-fucking-real? Because if so, the cure may be worse than the disease.

  • TootsStansbury

    This is just gross.

  • clblabin

    As a hard-working 'murrican, I'm sick of seeing all these "general welfare queens" using free government shit like roads and police.

  • Rotundo_

    The last KFC I visited had one toilet out of comission and nobody cleaned up the tables from what was likely lunch trade. Great model for life or death stuff like firefighting equipment and policing.

  • vodkamuppet

    Will the KKK be able to buy ad space on school busses? It only seems fair.

    • glasspusher

      Klinger's Korean Kafe?

  • AddHomonym

    “Good morning and thank you for calling the office of Baltimore City Councilmember William Welch.  Please consider enjoying a Dr. Pepper today! How may I assist you?”

    • Negropolis

      And you better believe that Councilman William Welch's calls go through India.

  • ElPinche

    "Officer, just please put down the Double Down with cheese , I'm unarmed."

  • glasspusher

    True story: my first "non paper route" job was at KFC when I was 16. I unintentionally/comically/tragically fucked up a batch of extra crispy, didn't get the directions quite right, then let the meat marinate too long. If anyone's interested I can post the details. I want to do an animated short some time based on this story.

    …and yes, I still occasionally go to KFC.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Being a good Catholic girl, I feel obligated to point out that it is "ensure the domestic tranquility…" rather than "insure the domestic tranquility".

    "ensure" means to make certain of.

    "insure" means to guarantee against loss or harm.

    FWIW, I had a HUGE fight with someone about this while playing scrabble about mumble mumble years ago when we still used a board and tiles and had no dictionary on hand. He would NOT allow "ensure" because he said it wasn't a word.

    • scvirginia

      Ensure is a drink- it has electrolytes.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      you are of course absolutely correct about the grammar. but it is the patsy avatar – the only magnet on my fridge – that is so compelling.

      also: do you still put two spaces after a period?

  • grace_nearing

    Here in Down the Jersey Shore, companies pay good money to have their brand/logo stamped in the sand on the beaches. The images are then almost immediately destroyed by beachgoers' feet, seagull pooh, and surging tides. Go figure.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So you can read the ads from an airplane?
      I think they're doing it wrong.

  • extreme_left

    Shut up!…baitin!

  • Ducksworthy

    I'm waiting for Pepsico to absorb Correction Corporation of America. I want to see the Taco Bell State Penitentiary ads.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Think outside the pen."

  • mormos

    no it's okay, I'll just sit here and burn to death thanks.

  • Negropolis

    Just when I think we've become hysterical, things like this come along to prove that, yes, this nation is hastening its descent into pure Idiocracy-styled madness.

  • Negropolis

    Speaking of firefighting, the mayor of Detroit announced the layed-off of 164 firefighters on a day the city saw 21 fires. Go figure. He's hoping to hire 108 of them back with a federal grant. It's sad. No snark.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Carl's Jr. "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I assumed that picture was a goofy Photoshop job until clicked on the NYT article. Gawd.

  • ttommyunger

    I only eat at KFC every 50,000 miles, just to keep things lubed.