IT'S GOT HERBS AND SPICES  5:50 pm June 25, 2012

Poor, Stupid Americans Outsource Fire Hydrant Repair To KFC

by Jeff Wattrick

finger lickin goodSome six thousand years ago, when George Washington and Jesus were walking through colonial Williamsburg with their friends the dinosaurs, our Founding Fathers wrote a Constitution laying out a broad vision for what government should and shouldn’t do in a free country. Their “should do” list was fairly basic: “establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity” and so forth.

Well, screw those east coast hippy ‘lites and their socialist “general Welfare” nonsense. Collecting taxes to fund normal government functions like public safety, transportation infrastructure, and universal education is a lot of commie rot.

We like it when fire departments keep our meth labs from burning down, but by gumit, we’ll be damned if those parasite looters think they can tax us to pay for it. Instead of behaving like a society of self-reliant grown-ups, we let Kentucky Fried Chicken fix broken fire hydrants in exchange for “branding” opportunities.

KFC became a pioneer in this kind of unconventional ad placement earlier in the downturn, when it temporarily plastered its logo on manhole covers and fire hydrants in several cities in Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee after paying to fill potholes and replace hydrants.

Pizza chains now advertise on some school buses, as a growing number of states consider allowing school districts to sell ads. The Baltimore City Council member who wrote the legislation urging the city to sell ads on fire trucks, William Welch, said he was simply trying to find a way to help the city meet its growing needs in a time of dwindling revenues and support.

Remember how, in that delightful Mike Judge documentary Idiocracy, President Romney Comacho’s Secretary of State John Bolton David Herman kept saying “brought to you by Carl’s, Jr.” because “it’s a good way to make money”? That’s our future bitches.

Pretty soon your local firemen will use water Brawndo seasoned with the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices to save your doublewide from melting into a festering clump of charred vinyl.

Dystopia! Brought to you by Carl’s Jr. [NYT]

 
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{ 134 comments }

DrunkIrishman June 25, 2012 at 5:52 pm

The very first KFC is located a few miles from my house…in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Figure that one out.

ManchuCandidate June 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Explains the extra salty chicken of KFC.

BerkeleyBear June 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Not that hard to figure out – southerners knew that pressure cooker shit wasn't real southern fried chicken (which is even greasier, believe it or not).

DrunkIrishman June 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Utah Fried Chicken, served with a side of jell-o.

Terry June 26, 2012 at 8:15 am

Real fried chicken, whether southern style or Maryland style, doesn't have a frickin half inch of batter on it. You just need enough to coat the piece of chicken to seal in the juices and get the surface really crispy. Too much batter and you're eating greasy fried flour that happens to have a piece of chicken as it's delivery surface.

Grief_Lessons June 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Don't let anyone shoot at it, the grease fire will never go out.

iburl June 25, 2012 at 8:19 pm

American Jeebus job-creates in mysterious wayz.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:36 am

Crazy. I'd have figured that friend chicken would be too "spirited" for SLC. I mean, everyone knows that texture and flavor are of the devil. I mean, I would think the crunch alone would disqualify it as kosher.

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Does this mean we can sue KFC when the fire dept screws up and the house burns down?

Guppy June 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Barb June 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Beats the shit out of your house becoming extra crispy.

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Original!

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:39 am

I prefer mine grilled.

SheriffRoscoe June 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Dogs are still allowed to piss on them, right?

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Only when riding on the roof of your car.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Of course! You're talking about KFC chicken pieces, right?

Sharkey June 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Did you really think there were actually 11 herbs and spices?

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:41 am

Well, that explains the taste of the cole slaw.

ttommyunger June 26, 2012 at 4:52 pm

That, after all, is the highest and best use for all KFC products.

johnnymeatworth June 25, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I'm sure all that grease is an increased fire hazard.

ManchuCandidate June 25, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Gubbiment, cause it's gotz elektrolytes!

extreme_left June 26, 2012 at 2:48 am

gubbiment??.. sounds kind of faggy.

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Baltimore FD sponsored by Acme Arsonists?

Barb June 25, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Q: What does a Kentucky Fried Chicken and the women of Fox News have in common?
A: If you take away the legs and the breast you're left with a smelly greasy box.

Nothingisamiss June 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

….and WIN.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Thanks, Nothingisamiss.

CapnRadio June 25, 2012 at 6:06 pm

We also would have accepted the optional "to put your bone in."

CapnRadio June 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Thanks for nothing, Cap'n! *shugs* (shove-hugs lol)

Barb June 25, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Sweetheart, I swear to God, I am SO sorry. Thank you, sincerely for adding a most excellent post. Lots of stress today. Last day of Jeff's vacay and he needs clean clothes for work tomorrow, it's the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death, which I only knew because it is the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death (lol) and Christine's new baby still hasn't had her open heart surgery. I'm a stupid hot mess today and I hope you will forgive me, please.

radio-of-owls June 25, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Seriously? Sometimes recycling is NOT a good thing.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Who are you talking to, Radio-of-owls?

Fairtackle June 25, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Barb, you are on fire today.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

That's cute and funny, Fair!

Boojum June 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Finger lickin'…erp…

Butch_Wagstaff June 25, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Okay…that's just a pure win, right there.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Thanks, Butch-hugs.

glasspusher June 25, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Brutal! Keep up the good work.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Thanks, Glasspusher!

extreme_left June 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm

lol.. brutal! love it

Barb June 25, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Thanks, Extreme. I upfist your awesomeness.

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Well, this makes sense. Last time I had KFC I found out that they are very proficient at burning things…

metamarcisf June 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Calm down, pilgrims. Dinner at Buttfuckers is on me.

Generation[redacted] June 25, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Do we have time to stop at Starbucks for a hand job?

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Not Sure.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Just wait till parents sell the naming rights of their children…
"Madison, Dylan and Burger King™ get over here right now!"

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Haven't the Palins's been doing that for years?

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Not until they name one of their 'lil bastards 'Taser'.

MittBorg June 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I thought they already did.

Blueb4sunrise June 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Did Halliburton buy KFC?

hippie13 June 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

different kinda grease

glasspusher June 25, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Can't resist reaching here:

If KBr owned KFC, that would explain why it's salty, and impotence would be a side effect!

ProgressiveInga June 25, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I wonder what Hooters will sponsor?

Extemporanus June 25, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Woodsy?

AbandonHope June 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Spotted owl sanctuaries, obviously.

PubOption June 25, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Tornado sirens?

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:43 am

The blue footed boobies at the local zoo? The barn owls?

gurukalehuru June 26, 2012 at 3:22 am

Fire hydrants as well, but they will be shaped differently. Actually, I think that's a fantastic idea.

Stevola June 25, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Pizza places should advertise on manhole covers, because of the shape. That or gay sex shops, because, manholes.

DerrickWildcat June 25, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Double Down!

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Don't forget the "failure pile in a sadness bowl" Famous Bowl.

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Yes, we can pile that in a bowl, uh, but we can also arrange it on a plate like you're an adult with self-respect and dignity.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Unless it's Death Plate– The Plate That Eats People.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:44 am

I actually tried one of those as a joke…and ended up loving it. It was horrible. I felt so dirty, afterwards. I ate it with a fork and knife and dipped it in ketchup. God, I'm so embarrassed. lol

Generation[redacted] June 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm

That fire hydrant has electrolytes.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Oh noes, that means the corrosion will be starting in 3, 2, 1…

TheLifeSilica June 25, 2012 at 7:00 pm

It's what fires crave!

shelwood46 June 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

The best part about the hydrant pictured is that you'd have to completely destroy that idiotic bucket on top to even turn the hydrant on.

mavenmaven June 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Can't wait till McDonald's starts arming the military.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Maybe they'll finally catch that goddamn Hamburglar.

CapnRadio June 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:37 am

Lob Big Macs at the enemy, and wait for them to die? Slow, but effective.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I can't wait until KFC is so small we can drown it in a bathtub.

Fairtackle June 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Or a side of watery mashed potatoes.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:47 am

I've drowned it one too many times in a medium pepsi. :(

Joshua Norton June 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

in exchange for “branding” opportunities.

No matter how you slice it, it's still graffiti.

Blueb4sunrise June 25, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Was thinking that these things are invitations to spray paint and/or baseball bat.

Sharkey June 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Please do not disparage graffiti.

owhatever June 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm

It takes money to run fire departments, people, and vulture capitalists do it better than that cheap one-engine thing you have in your area. If Colorado had paid its bill to the Halliburton Fire Agency, those wildfires would not be burning out of control today. Is Mitt's house on fire? No. Take personal responsibility, and don't expect government-paid union thugs to come fight your battles.

Fairtackle June 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm

No many people know this, but Jesus wore sponsor patches on his robe.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Tons of 'em when he had to be NASCAR Jesus.

Fairtackle June 25, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Ezra's Money Changing

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:52 am

God, NASCAR Jesus sounds like the perfect name for a band and/or a hipster.

Toomush_Infer June 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm

But only on the elbows….FYI, that revisionist reading of the sign on the cross – it was really an ad for Greek gyros…

extreme_left June 26, 2012 at 3:07 am

The Cross was sponsored by Lowe's.

Extemporanus June 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Just wing it, America!

OurDailyBread June 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

"idiocracy" : film at 11:00, rather than a comedy about how America will be dumb in 500 years.

MittBorg June 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Pfff! Like it's gonna take that long.

dkwrangler June 25, 2012 at 6:19 pm

It sure seems like crazy just keeps getting piled on more crazy in the good ol' U S of A.

BarackMyWorld June 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Does it spray water or fountain drinks? I'm sure Pepsi could quench a fire about as well as it does a thirst.

anniegetyerfun June 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm

It sprays a fine mist of Mountain Dew.

smokefilledroommate June 25, 2012 at 7:48 pm

As long as it doesn't spray their shitty fucking gravy.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:39 am

Unless you can put out a fire with 16 ounces or less, this won't work in New York City.

bikerlaureate June 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Free-market law enforcement is going to be so kewl.

extreme_left June 26, 2012 at 3:09 am

Free Happy meal with every third arrest!

CivicHoliday June 26, 2012 at 7:53 am

curly-fries for handcuffs! you may end up with wrist burns but DAMN they are delicious

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:45 am

Allowing private corporations to turn a small profit on each arrest and conviction? What could possibly go wrong?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I'm all for it but the genius who thought up putting an advertisement where dogs always piss is going to lose his/her job.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Are you sure it's not already part of the Colonel's secret recipe? Mmmmm, finger-lickin' good.

Hammiepants June 25, 2012 at 6:30 pm

We're all in "Robocop" now, aren't we?

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I'd buy that for a dollar, et al. I am surprised that in this plane of existence, KFC replaces OCP as the corporation to build New Detroit.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 25, 2012 at 6:31 pm

The problem is that the Founders had no money, so they didn't understand taxation or free speech.

DaveJ June 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm

No way in fuck that John Bolton is going to drink water like out of the toilet, you gay communist.

Welcome to Cost-Co, I love you.

extreme_left June 26, 2012 at 3:11 am

communist?.. that sounds smart.. maybe you're the smartest guy in the world.

chascates June 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Your local police car brought to you by Smith & Wesson!

hippie13 June 25, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Maybe Oscar Meyer can sponsor house fires…at least there will be snacks.

Goonemeritus June 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm

If we made corporation pay taxes they might have less money to advertise. But failing that maybe Hobo Beans will sponsor one or both of my kids if they wear sandwich boards at college.

DahBoner June 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm

On Tuesday, KFC has a leg & thigh, regular side and a biscuit for $1.99.

That's practically welfare (to the Deathcare industry)…

Serolf_Divad June 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm

And in other news tonight, a tragic fire on Westview avenue claims the lives of three residents. Amanda Comte died of smoke inhalation when she was trapped in her second floor bedroom. Meanwhile her husband Al and a firefighter who has not yet been named died of arteriosclerosis during the rescue effort.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:56 am

You know, you're being funny, but anecdotally, I can't tell you how many firefighters and cops have died on the job due to obesity-related (and just plain clogged artery related) heart attacks.

Serolf_Divad June 26, 2012 at 5:47 am

That's 'cause cops and firefighters are real, Burgers 'n Bar B Cue eatin' Americans, and not some crypto-Communist Tofu-Vegan.

Designer_Radio June 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Is that picture for-fucking-real? Because if so, the cure may be worse than the disease.

TootsStansbury June 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

This is just gross.

clblabin June 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm

As a hard-working 'murrican, I'm sick of seeing all these "general welfare queens" using free government shit like roads and police.

Rotundo_ June 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm

The last KFC I visited had one toilet out of comission and nobody cleaned up the tables from what was likely lunch trade. Great model for life or death stuff like firefighting equipment and policing.

vodkamuppet June 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Will the KKK be able to buy ad space on school busses? It only seems fair.

glasspusher June 25, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Klinger's Korean Kafe?

AddHomonym June 25, 2012 at 7:52 pm

“Good morning and thank you for calling the office of Baltimore City Councilmember William Welch.  Please consider enjoying a Dr. Pepper today! How may I assist you?”

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:57 am

And you better believe that Councilman William Welch's calls go through India.

ElPinche June 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm

"Officer, just please put down the Double Down with cheese , I'm unarmed."

glasspusher June 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm

True story: my first "non paper route" job was at KFC when I was 16. I unintentionally/comically/tragically fucked up a batch of extra crispy, didn't get the directions quite right, then let the meat marinate too long. If anyone's interested I can post the details. I want to do an animated short some time based on this story.

…and yes, I still occasionally go to KFC.

ibwilliamsi June 25, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Being a good Catholic girl, I feel obligated to point out that it is "ensure the domestic tranquility…" rather than "insure the domestic tranquility".

"ensure" means to make certain of.

"insure" means to guarantee against loss or harm.

FWIW, I had a HUGE fight with someone about this while playing scrabble about mumble mumble years ago when we still used a board and tiles and had no dictionary on hand. He would NOT allow "ensure" because he said it wasn't a word.

scvirginia June 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Ensure is a drink- it has electrolytes.

fuflans June 25, 2012 at 10:33 pm

you are of course absolutely correct about the grammar. but it is the patsy avatar – the only magnet on my fridge – that is so compelling.

also: do you still put two spaces after a period?

grace_nearing June 25, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Here in Down the Jersey Shore, companies pay good money to have their brand/logo stamped in the sand on the beaches. The images are then almost immediately destroyed by beachgoers' feet, seagull pooh, and surging tides. Go figure.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:50 am

So you can read the ads from an airplane?
I think they're doing it wrong.

extreme_left June 25, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Shut up!…baitin!

Ducksworthy June 25, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I'm waiting for Pepsico to absorb Correction Corporation of America. I want to see the Taco Bell State Penitentiary ads.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 26, 2012 at 8:51 am

"Think outside the pen."

mormos June 25, 2012 at 11:41 pm

no it's okay, I'll just sit here and burn to death thanks.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:34 am

Just when I think we've become hysterical, things like this come along to prove that, yes, this nation is hastening its descent into pure Idiocracy-styled madness.

Negropolis June 26, 2012 at 12:50 am

Speaking of firefighting, the mayor of Detroit announced the layed-off of 164 firefighters on a day the city saw 21 fires. Go figure. He's hoping to hire 108 of them back with a federal grant. It's sad. No snark.

imissopus June 26, 2012 at 1:22 am

Carl's Jr. "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

Allmighty_Manos June 26, 2012 at 8:29 am

I assumed that picture was a goofy Photoshop job until clicked on the NYT article. Gawd.

ttommyunger June 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I only eat at KFC every 50,000 miles, just to keep things lubed.

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