The United Nations Needs James Bond To Save The Day

What do you mean, I have to do paperwork?The UN is not doing its job right, jobs are becoming more neurotic, and Chinese bureaucrats are apparently the James Bonds of the East. Plus, it’s my last day!
  • Rio+20 is not doing well and it’s making the United Nations look bad because more people are dying from pollution and impure water than climate change. Yeah, yeah, the United Nations don’t need any help in looking bad. I mean, have you seen their Tumblr? Ours is far superior. [Slate]
  • Here is an article about the future of work and how neurotic the job market is going to get. Did you know there was a job called a “paid grave site visitor”? We at Wonkette would say yes to that, but only if we had insurance against zombies. [The Atlantic]
  • Yes, we have evolved to eat meat. Suck it, vegetarians! Your conscious choice about your diet is silly because evolution says so! [NPR]
  • Finally, a new market in books is emerging in China about low-level bureaucrats. Obviously their lives are more intriguing than our low-level bureaucrats, who are just obsessed with keeping you from your doctor. [Foreign Policy]

And finally, it’s my last day as intern, for the summer, at least. I’m working on a few projects now, including one about the fans of the Olympics, if you still want to follow me! But otherwise, it’s been an education, a privilege, a pleasure, an honor, a delight, and some other stuff.

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      1. not that Radio

        Is it Tomb Sweeping Day already? I haven't even taken down the Soul Smothering Day decorations yet.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Fuck my heirs. My entire estate is to be liquidated to hire a paid grave site visitor every day for as long as the money lasts. Additional provision that two (2) paid visitors accompany any family member wishing to pay their respects. And there better be weeping!

  1. Billmatic

    So where do I submit my application?

    I'm looking for 45k plus dental, vision and health thanks

    1. actor212

      Health thanks? Is that a bennie now? I have to add that to my list of demands. If I'm going to get laughed out of an office, I want to go out in style.

  2. FakaktaSouth

    Paid grave sitter? I would rather be a professional ashes scatterer. I could absolutely do that – go around on boats and planes and scatter people's ashes. That's funner sounding. Sitting around in graveyards next to strip malls on highways is too close to what I already do.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        DOWN WIND! You must ALWAYS be DOWN wind from that shit. The Dude is forever the greatest most important role model of my life.

    1. James Michael Curley

      From the earliest days of Google, I am amazed at how many NJ graveyards straddle highways. I looking for a little retirement income by going around yelling at graveyard owners; "You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! "

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Oh, so THAT'S why there are so many teevees thrown out of hotels all across New Jersey…makes so much more sense now.

  3. MissTaken

    Good luck and godspeed Intern. I expect full coverage of dressage and synchronized swimming, the two most important Olympic events evah!

    1. SorosBot

      If only they still had the "sport" of ballroom dancing, that's up there with those two, rhythmic gymnastics and ice dancing among the most fierce and totally legitimate sports competitions.

    2. Barb

      When one synchronized swimmer drowns does the other one have to drown too? Please, say the answer is YES!

    3. Antispandex

      Yes, we should all give our former internette multiple thumb trusts for a job well done, and wish her the best in her coverage of the Olympic zombie races…or whatever.

  4. Mittens Howell, III

    Eating meat is proof of evolution?

    Hey Jesus Freaks, meat is off the table–enjoy sucking down those tofu burgers!! HahahHAhahaha

  5. Barb

    Sulanga is leaving? There is a way out of this place? I thought this was some sort of snarky Hotel California thing where we had to stay.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I always wanted the line "You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave." to be very Norman Bates.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Shit, I never even knew if Sulagna was a girl person or a boy person, so too fucking soon.

  6. actor212

    “paid grave site visitor”

    That's unusual?

    I pay good money every month to make sure my dad stays in his grave, the fucking rat bastard.

  7. freakishlywrong

    Insurance against Zombies have gone through the fucking roof due to the ascent of bath salts.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Health care mandate decision on Thursday at 10am. Mandatory Zombie Insurance decision on Thursday at 10 pm.

  8. Native_of_SL_UT

    But otherwise, it’s been an education, a privilege, a pleasure, an honor, a delight, and some other stuff.
    The Snark is strong in this one.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        I can't help but think that when her parents found out she was doing an internship, they thought it was great.
        Then they probably visited this site and then called her and asked her to do something more respectable like working in a strip joint or something.

  9. SorosBot

    I, too, would like to say "Suck it, vegetarians!". Well just PETA really, I know the rest of you are not sanctimonious strident misogynist douchebags.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Hey, I just appreciate naked vegan girls in tiger-striped body paint — is that so wrong?!

  10. lowaltflier

    Grave site visitor. HM! Can I hire one in advance? Because I'm pretty sure one will be coming to the funeral of this lonely old sot.

    1. finallyhappy

      I picked my gravesite near a friend's grave- she has many nieces and nephews so maybe they will wave hi to me after I am gone.

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Good luck Sulagna! Remember to write on resume that your time here at Wonkette was "Volunteer work".

    1. Graham Cracker

      It might be more beneficial for you to lie and say that you were in prison, or something. It would make it easier to get a real job!

  12. Callyson

    She’s 17 years old and calls bullshit at the Rio+20. What do you think of this?
    Speaking for the world’s 3 billion children: “Are you here to save face? Or are you here to save us?”

    Oh, to be seventeen and still have some hope again…

    1. Guppy

      Yes, we shall all be saved by over-earnest teenagers! Just like in that movie, the one popular with over-earnest teenagers!

  13. Doktor Zoom

    And finally, it’s my last day as intern

    Moving up to "paid grave site visitor," then?

  14. Crank_Tango

    Yeah I have nothing against vegetarians, I mean they're not as bad as stupid vegans, but think about it, if there was no society where you lived and you had to find something to eat, would it be a bunch of berries (good luck) or would it be a deer or rabbit or something?

    I mean, if deodorant wasn't available…

      1. Crank_Tango

        MMMyeah, I dunno, all I can think of is that picture where he is making fudge, and I kinda lose my appetite. Now speaking of mormons, I could munch on one of jon huntsman's daughters maybe….

  15. Callyson

    …a "wantologist" — what, you don't have one? — is somebody paid to figure out what you want…After realizing that the thing she wanted wasn't a bigger house so much as the thing a bigger house would afford — peace of mind — the client built a little room filled with green plants. This decision no doubt saved many tens of thousands of dollars in the process, depending on the price of the plants. The wantologist earned her salary.

    Yeah, well, I want my country not to go insane this November–will some plants work for that?

  16. Estproph

    As a low-level non-Chinese bureaucrat, I wouldn't mind switching careers to paid grave-site visitor…

  17. Geminisunmars

    That was quick.
    Have a fabulous life. Which means you won't be checking back in here.

  18. weejee

    Medal Headz? Are they like Dead Headz but into South American Generals?

    Best of luck Sulagna, and thanks for your dailies.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    As for the rest of us who want to know how much red meat is too much, the best evidence suggests that cutting back to two to three servings a week is a good guide.

    Wait — so your average paleolithic human didn't eat an egg McMuffin with bacon for breakfast, barbecue for lunch and deep-fried veal wrapped in bacon with a salad of croutons and artificial bacon bits for dinner every day? Clearly the hunter-gatherer lifestyle needs more vertical integration.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    And best wishes Sulagna — have fun covering the Olympics — though the more I watch them, the more they remind me of going to the circus and then seeing how miserable all the performing animals are. There should be a gymnast rescue program like they have for greyhounds that are past their prime, so they can go to a good home when the industry kicks them out on their asses.

  21. Wadisay

    Just a friendly word of career advice, Sulagna: You can probably improve your resume by, instead of putting "worked at Wonkette," put "trolled bus stations in New Jersey for spare change."

  22. Sassomatic

    Are we also evolved to eat nothing but Double Downs and ride around on our fat asses in SUVs?

  23. Barb

    Gross! Now I have this "bad touch" mental picture of Béla Károlyi, carrying Sulanga around everywhere in his arms as she covers the gymnasts in the Olympics.

  24. Fare la Volpe

    "For millions of years, we didn't have an obesity problem because we ate foods that our metabolism was adapted to"

    We also had to travel a weeks' distance, hunt the meal down, and strangle it with our bare hands. Then we died at 30.

    I'll take my chances with a grilled chicken and hummus pita, thanks.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        He must, because everyone knows humans were created only 6,000 years ago in Jackson, Mississippi.

  25. BlueStateLibel

    Have fun at the Olympics. It's going to be interesting to see how Mitt Rmoney and supporters spin wife's Ann's dressage horse – "At least that horse just eats hay and oats, not like those fancy Obama's with their arugala!"

  26. Antispandex

    Evolved to eat meat? Well, that is just going to piss off the neo-hippies to no end. Besides, the prime child bearing years of homo sapiens sapiens is about 15 to 25, but who the hell is going to agree with THAT…just because it's a fact, after all, doesn't mean we have to agree. Amiright?

      1. Antispandex

        Yeah, that's some funny stuff. Of course, I read once that most animals eat the placenta to avoid predators. That is probably not necessary for our survival any more. We have former governor Arnold to protect us.

  27. ElPinche

    My my , time flies when you're having fun. I'll miss you Sulagna. You did some nice work !

  28. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Sulagna, you can't leave now. I just yesterday stole your identity! Thanks for buying me all those sex toys and hydroponics equipment, btw.

  29. zumpie

    So we really HAVE made the full circle to Charles Dickens: Oliver Twist worked as a "mute" or paid mourner at one point.

  30. Extemporadio

    Misra loves company, eh?

    Best of luck chronicling the inscrutable mating habits of wild Olympics pin swappers, and please know that we'll always carry a torch for you.

    (In our electric blue velour gym shorts.)

  31. ttommyunger

    "Paid Gravesite Pisser" is more satisfying, but boring….The lines at the Reagan and Nixon sites are longer than a whore's dream.

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