UNITED NATIONS  12:01 pm June 25, 2012

The United Nations Needs James Bond To Save The Day

by Sulagna Misra

What do you mean, I have to do paperwork?The UN is not doing its job right, jobs are becoming more neurotic, and Chinese bureaucrats are apparently the James Bonds of the East. Plus, it’s my last day!
  • Rio+20 is not doing well and it’s making the United Nations look bad because more people are dying from pollution and impure water than climate change. Yeah, yeah, the United Nations don’t need any help in looking bad. I mean, have you seen their Tumblr? Ours is far superior. [Slate]
  • Here is an article about the future of work and how neurotic the job market is going to get. Did you know there was a job called a “paid grave site visitor”? We at Wonkette would say yes to that, but only if we had insurance against zombies. [The Atlantic]
  • Yes, we have evolved to eat meat. Suck it, vegetarians! Your conscious choice about your diet is silly because evolution says so! [NPR]
  • Finally, a new market in books is emerging in China about low-level bureaucrats. Obviously their lives are more intriguing than our low-level bureaucrats, who are just obsessed with keeping you from your doctor. [Foreign Policy]

And finally, it’s my last day as intern, for the summer, at least. I’m working on a few projects now, including one about the fans of the Olympics, if you still want to follow me! But otherwise, it’s been an education, a privilege, a pleasure, an honor, a delight, and some other stuff.

 
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{ 112 comments }

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Needs more SMERSH and gold painted Bond girls.

BaldarTFlagass June 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

And more "Tiger" Tanaka!

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

“paid grave site visitor”? This is the truest definition of a "dead end" job.

Giveusabob June 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Pays $475/hr, yo. Probably much better than being your local tavern's paid Tumblr editrix. http://shanghaiist.com/2012/03/29/tomb_sweeper_mo

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Is it Tomb Sweeping Day already? I haven't even taken down the Soul Smothering Day decorations yet.

Generation[redacted] June 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Fuck my heirs. My entire estate is to be liquidated to hire a paid grave site visitor every day for as long as the money lasts. Additional provision that two (2) paid visitors accompany any family member wishing to pay their respects. And there better be weeping!

Billmatic June 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

So where do I submit my application?

I'm looking for 45k plus dental, vision and health thanks

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Health thanks? Is that a bennie now? I have to add that to my list of demands. If I'm going to get laughed out of an office, I want to go out in style.

FakaktaSouth June 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Paid grave sitter? I would rather be a professional ashes scatterer. I could absolutely do that – go around on boats and planes and scatter people's ashes. That's funner sounding. Sitting around in graveyards next to strip malls on highways is too close to what I already do.

BaldarTFlagass June 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Your move, Walter Szobchak.

FakaktaSouth June 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

DOWN WIND! You must ALWAYS be DOWN wind from that shit. The Dude is forever the greatest most important role model of my life.

BaldarTFlagass June 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Fuck it, let's go bowling.

prommie June 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Its kinda comforting to know he's out there, takin' er easy for all us sinners.

Spurning Beer June 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

James Michael Curley June 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

From the earliest days of Google, I am amazed at how many NJ graveyards straddle highways. I looking for a little retirement income by going around yelling at graveyard owners; "You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! "

FakaktaSouth June 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Oh, so THAT'S why there are so many teevees thrown out of hotels all across New Jersey…makes so much more sense now.

James Michael Curley June 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

That and the fact we get two local Faux News Channels.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Q: What do vegan zombies eat?
A: Graiinnnzzzz

Yep, still waiting for that coffee to kick in.

MissTaken June 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Good luck and godspeed Intern. I expect full coverage of dressage and synchronized swimming, the two most important Olympic events evah!

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

If only they still had the "sport" of ballroom dancing, that's up there with those two, rhythmic gymnastics and ice dancing among the most fierce and totally legitimate sports competitions.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

When one synchronized swimmer drowns does the other one have to drown too? Please, say the answer is YES!

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

How about synchronized dressage? Can horses swim?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

They do in water polo.

Right?

Antispandex June 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yes, we should all give our former internette multiple thumb trusts for a job well done, and wish her the best in her coverage of the Olympic zombie races…or whatever.

RadioSlut June 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm

So long Sulanga. Fare thee well.

James Michael Curley June 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Seconded

lisawines June 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Thirded.

Mittens Howell, III June 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Eating meat is proof of evolution?

Hey Jesus Freaks, meat is off the table–enjoy sucking down those tofu burgers!! HahahHAhahaha

DerrickWildcat June 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Eating meat is only a theory.

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Eat the Controversy!

YasserArraFeck June 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'm sticking with the theory of Intelligent Cuisine.

MumbletyRadio June 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

it's my last day

I just heard actor212 let out a protest-yowl, audible all the way from MY house.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

But totes silent.

Ze heart, she hurts a leetle…ah, l'amour, or somezing like zat…

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Sulanga is leaving? There is a way out of this place? I thought this was some sort of snarky Hotel California thing where we had to stay.

MissTaken June 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

They may leave, but they all eventually come back. Newell, I'm looking at you!

James Michael Curley June 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I always wanted the line "You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave." to be very Norman Bates.

Blueb4sunrise June 25, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Ohhhh Sulagna, we hardly fapped you.

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Shit, I never even knew if Sulagna was a girl person or a boy person, so too fucking soon.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I'm pretty sure he's a she.

Oblios_Cap June 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Come on baby, take a walk on the wild side.

What would all the colored girls say?

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

do da do do doo da do do etc,

Chow Yun Flat June 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Speak for yourself.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Sluggo, Tits or GTFO!

BaldarTFlagass June 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Looks like she's going with the "GTFO" option.

freakishlywrong June 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Solonga! We hardly knew ya!

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm

“paid grave site visitor”

That's unusual?

I pay good money every month to make sure my dad stays in his grave, the fucking rat bastard.

freakishlywrong June 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Insurance against Zombies have gone through the fucking roof due to the ascent of bath salts.

James Michael Curley June 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Health care mandate decision on Thursday at 10am. Mandatory Zombie Insurance decision on Thursday at 10 pm.

Native_of_SL_UT June 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm

But otherwise, it’s been an education, a privilege, a pleasure, an honor, a delight, and some other stuff.
The Snark is strong in this one.

Guppy June 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Seriously, what's her degree in, bullshit?

She has a future as a press secretary.

Native_of_SL_UT June 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I can't help but think that when her parents found out she was doing an internship, they thought it was great.
Then they probably visited this site and then called her and asked her to do something more respectable like working in a strip joint or something.

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I, too, would like to say "Suck it, vegetarians!". Well just PETA really, I know the rest of you are not sanctimonious strident misogynist douchebags.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Hey, I just appreciate naked vegan girls in tiger-striped body paint — is that so wrong?!

Chow Yun Flat June 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

If a vegetarian sucks it you know that he or she won't bite it.

Terry June 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Sulagna,

Best of luck in your future endeavors!

lowaltflier June 25, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Grave site visitor. HM! Can I hire one in advance? Because I'm pretty sure one will be coming to the funeral of this lonely old sot.

finallyhappy June 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I picked my gravesite near a friend's grave- she has many nieces and nephews so maybe they will wave hi to me after I am gone.

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I heard that the next intern will have to wash Rebecca's "delicates" by hand. Any takers?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Editrix has nothing delicate.

nounverb911 June 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Will she be wearing them at the time?

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Are we limited to hands?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Here's a post worthy of bigger p-ness.

Chow Yun Flat June 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Does it count if I wear them on my head before I wash them?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Good luck Sulagna! Remember to write on resume that your time here at Wonkette was "Volunteer work".

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Volunteer work with the mentally challenged, to be precise.

Graham Cracker June 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

It might be more beneficial for you to lie and say that you were in prison, or something. It would make it easier to get a real job!

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

She’s 17 years old and calls bullshit at the Rio+20. What do you think of this?
Speaking for the world’s 3 billion children: “Are you here to save face? Or are you here to save us?”

Oh, to be seventeen and still have some hope again…

Guppy June 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Yes, we shall all be saved by over-earnest teenagers! Just like in that movie, the one popular with over-earnest teenagers!

BaldarTFlagass June 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"I don't expect you to talk Mandarin, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!"

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

And finally, it’s my last day as intern

Moving up to "paid grave site visitor," then?

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Same thing, really.

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Yeah I have nothing against vegetarians, I mean they're not as bad as stupid vegans, but think about it, if there was no society where you lived and you had to find something to eat, would it be a bunch of berries (good luck) or would it be a deer or rabbit or something?

I mean, if deodorant wasn't available…

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Or could you eat the rich? "Mmmm, that's some tasty Romney there".

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Romney is comprised of the same ingredients in scrapple, chicken lips and pig peckers.

Geminisunmars June 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I survived school by subsisting on a diet of Romney noodles.

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Tastes like waffles!

Crank_Tango June 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

MMMyeah, I dunno, all I can think of is that picture where he is making fudge, and I kinda lose my appetite. Now speaking of mormons, I could munch on one of jon huntsman's daughters maybe….

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

But I was talking about dining in, not eating out!

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

…a "wantologist" — what, you don't have one? — is somebody paid to figure out what you want…After realizing that the thing she wanted wasn't a bigger house so much as the thing a bigger house would afford — peace of mind — the client built a little room filled with green plants. This decision no doubt saved many tens of thousands of dollars in the process, depending on the price of the plants. The wantologist earned her salary.

Yeah, well, I want my country not to go insane this November–will some plants work for that?

Fare la Volpe June 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I know one will.

Estproph June 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

As a low-level non-Chinese bureaucrat, I wouldn't mind switching careers to paid grave-site visitor…

Geminisunmars June 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

That was quick.
Have a fabulous life. Which means you won't be checking back in here.

weejee June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Medal Headz? Are they like Dead Headz but into South American Generals?

Best of luck Sulagna, and thanks for your dailies.

fuflans June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

well sulagna you post the best pics and will be missed!

i hope you are on to fun lucrative things.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

As for the rest of us who want to know how much red meat is too much, the best evidence suggests that cutting back to two to three servings a week is a good guide.

Wait — so your average paleolithic human didn't eat an egg McMuffin with bacon for breakfast, barbecue for lunch and deep-fried veal wrapped in bacon with a salad of croutons and artificial bacon bits for dinner every day? Clearly the hunter-gatherer lifestyle needs more vertical integration.

DerrickWildcat June 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Where are you going?

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

What's a tumblr?

actor212 June 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Like a synchronized swimmr only on land.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I'm a tumblr
I'm a govrnmnt man.

SorosBot June 25, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I've asked on here several times, and still no one's ever given a straight answer!

Fare la Volpe June 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

It's what your 16-year-old niece is doing when she won't return your texts.

not that Radio June 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

It's what you drink the sctch out of.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

And best wishes Sulagna — have fun covering the Olympics — though the more I watch them, the more they remind me of going to the circus and then seeing how miserable all the performing animals are. There should be a gymnast rescue program like they have for greyhounds that are past their prime, so they can go to a good home when the industry kicks them out on their asses.

Wadisay June 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Just a friendly word of career advice, Sulagna: You can probably improve your resume by, instead of putting "worked at Wonkette," put "trolled bus stations in New Jersey for spare change."

Sassomatic June 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Are we also evolved to eat nothing but Double Downs and ride around on our fat asses in SUVs?

Barb June 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Gross! Now I have this "bad touch" mental picture of Béla Károlyi, carrying Sulanga around everywhere in his arms as she covers the gymnasts in the Olympics.

Fare la Volpe June 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"For millions of years, we didn't have an obesity problem because we ate foods that our metabolism was adapted to"

We also had to travel a weeks' distance, hunt the meal down, and strangle it with our bare hands. Then we died at 30.

I'll take my chances with a grilled chicken and hummus pita, thanks.

LesBontemps June 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"Millions of years"? Does "we" include australopithecines?

Fare la Volpe June 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

He must, because everyone knows humans were created only 6,000 years ago in Jackson, Mississippi.

Chow Yun Flat June 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Can you make big muniez in public (pubic) diplomacy?

BlueStateLibel June 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Have fun at the Olympics. It's going to be interesting to see how Mitt Rmoney and supporters spin wife's Ann's dressage horse – "At least that horse just eats hay and oats, not like those fancy Obama's with their arugala!"

Antispandex June 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Evolved to eat meat? Well, that is just going to piss off the neo-hippies to no end. Besides, the prime child bearing years of homo sapiens sapiens is about 15 to 25, but who the hell is going to agree with THAT…just because it's a fact, after all, doesn't mean we have to agree. Amiright?

Fare la Volpe June 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Hippies are out there eating their placentas because they think it will bring them power.

A little science isn't gonna stop them.

Antispandex June 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Yeah, that's some funny stuff. Of course, I read once that most animals eat the placenta to avoid predators. That is probably not necessary for our survival any more. We have former governor Arnold to protect us.

ElPinche June 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

My my , time flies when you're having fun. I'll miss you Sulagna. You did some nice work !

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Sulagna, you can't leave now. I just yesterday stole your identity! Thanks for buying me all those sex toys and hydroponics equipment, btw.

imissopus June 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Sulanga gets out just in time to avoid having to help the Editrix move. Sneaky.

zumpie June 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

So we really HAVE made the full circle to Charles Dickens: Oliver Twist worked as a "mute" or paid mourner at one point.

Callyson June 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Also–Sulagna, best of luck to you!

Extemporadio June 25, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Misra loves company, eh?

Best of luck chronicling the inscrutable mating habits of wild Olympics pin swappers, and please know that we'll always carry a torch for you.

(In our electric blue velour gym shorts.)

DahBoner June 25, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Justin Beaver has his own perfume.

ttommyunger June 26, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"Paid Gravesite Pisser" is more satisfying, but boring….The lines at the Reagan and Nixon sites are longer than a whore's dream.

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