darwin sucks

Lousiana’s Publicly Funded Jesus Camp Education System FINALLY Teaching Students Loch Ness Monster Is Real

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Translation: "Science class."We’ve been bashing on Louisiana a lot lately — pointing out how they’re pretty much the awfulest state in the union, how their prison privatization plan is dumping more convicts into shopping centers prisons than any other state in the country, how their plan to send the state’s students to religious schools hit the predictable but still hilarious snag of Muslim schools wanting in on the program. We’ve been kinda rough on the ol’ Land of Louis.

Now, those religious schools that we were so very critical of are teaching students that the Loch Ness Monster is real — which TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR ALL THAT OTHER STUFF, and has the added benefit of conforming to Official Wonkette Editorial Policy. (Also real: Bigfoot.)

The state spent quite a while hanging out in the relatively crowded zone of Put God In Science Class — but they just hopped on their faith-powered motorcycles, paid the Idiot Toll, and blew through every red light on the way to the mythical land of Making Garbage Up Because Jesus.

The path is now clear for Christianity to ring forth across the land, replacing the blasphemy of “science” and “having proof of things” so that students can be properly prepared for the lifetime of ignorance that awaits all good followers of Bible Science. And they’re being prepared… by dinosaurs.

From a story in the (Scotland) Herald with the rather horrifying headline “How American fundamentalist schools are using Nessie to disprove evolution”:

Thousands of children in the southern state will receive publicly-funded vouchers for the next school year to attend private schools where Scotland’s most famous mythological beast will be taught as a real living creature.

These private schools follow a fundamentalist curriculum including the Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) programme to teach controversial religious beliefs aimed at disproving evolution and proving creationism.

One tenet has it that if it can be proved that dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time as man then Darwinism is fatally flawed.

That’s right — this blockquote is from SCOTLAND. The state’s aura of devout godliness is so bright, they can see the glow across the ocean.

One ACE textbook – Biology 1099, Accelerated Christian Education Inc – reads: “Are dinosaurs alive today? Scientists are becoming more convinced of their existence. Have you heard of the ‘Loch Ness Monster’ in Scotland? ‘Nessie’ for short has been recorded on sonar from a small submarine, described by eyewitnesses, and photographed by others. Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur.”

Another claim taught is that a Japanese whaling boat once caught a dinosaur. It’s unclear if the movie Godzilla was the inspiration for this lesson.

Sponsored Intermission

See if you can follow the logic — the Loch Ness Monster is real, and the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur. And if a dinosaur is still alive, then evolution is a lie. If Occam were alive to see this, he’d be using his razor to kill himself, but come on guys. Nessie, real? AND a plesiosaur?

IT JUST FEELS RIGHT.

Also, Godzilla. Which explanation do you think you’d have more fun learning? All that crap about that monk who studied green beans and made Punnett squares in some hut in Sweden, or Godzilla being evidence of God’s divine intervention into the creation of our most beautiful of worlds? THIS IS AWESOME.

The textbooks in the series are alleged to teach young earth creationism; are hostile towards other religions and other sectors of Christianity, including Roman Catholicism; and present a biased version of history that is often factually incorrect.

Oh, shutup, factually incorrect. Let’s also say that the Sun hides in New Jersey at night and that means Jupiter doesn’t exist. (Also, people who think privatization is good and that the “market” will take care of things and make sure everyone gets a good deal: This is your fault, and THANK YOU.)

The Herald also quotes Boston author Bruce Wilson, who said students “are being brought up to believe that they’re at war with secular society. The only valid government would be a Christian fundamentalist government. Obviously some comparisons could be made to Islamic fundamentalists in schools.”

Mr. Wilson is obviously an idiot — Islamic fundamentalists want to impose their religion on the masses against their will. They want to change the legal system to reflect their views on justice, marriage, and civil rights. They want to mold education systems to fit their narrow, misguided beliefs. All that Christian fundamentalists want is —

Well, that just can’t be, Mr. Wilson. You must be wrong, for some reason. Also, you are no fun at all.

He continues, “One of these texts from Bob Jones University Press claims that dinosaurs were fire-breathing dragons. It has little to do with science as we currently understand. It’s more like medieval scholasticism.”

FIRE-BREATHING DRAGONS?! That settles it. There is nowhere as cool as a Louisiana science classroom. [Herald Scotland]

Comments

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  • flamingpdog

    Darwin weeps.

    • Chris

      Atlas shrugs.

      • Boojum

        Jesus Saves and SCORES!

        • sewollef

          No, no…. it actually reads: Jesus saves, but Beckham scores from the rebound!

          And it's a GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!

          Yay!

          • nedbeaumontjr

            Jesus Saves, Esposito scores on the rebound.

          • HarryButtle

            Thank you.

            Beckham? SHEESH! Kids today…

    • Beowoof

      I think Darwin would take a flame thrower to the Louisiana Schools.

      • sewollef

        Darwin should have done a Sherman to Louisiana…. if Sherman had been an English biologist and not a general….. and Charlie Darwin had been a marauding, confederate-killing general in the Union Army, instead of a fey Englishman intent on destroying the Christian nation of Great Britain, oh and an American.

        Something along those lines anyhoo. I think you get my train of thought, right?

    • PsycWench

      It's a good thing there are no such things as ghosts or Darwin would be haunting some Louisiana school board members, for sure.

    • harobedyelsnit

      Whaddya mean, I'm weeping.

  • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

    Come here, creationists. I'll show you a fire breathing dragon.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid
      • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

        Yes! I'm a little older but my fire's still hot. Well, sorta.

        • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          You know what they say–Once the Mother of Dragons, always the Mother of Dragons..

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      You are … Dovahkiin!!

      • CommieLibunatic

        Fus Ro Dah? I'll just go with BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!

      • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

        I'm honored to be called thus. (after looking it up because I had no clue)

  • TootsStansbury

    Fuck. Just fuck. The Wonkets started on such a funny note today with the idiots starting gun fires; then the parade of depressing descent into a Christo-Fascist state emerged as the theme of the day. Again.

  • Barrelhse

    Stupid is as stupid does. That's all.

  • MarcelleMarceau

    My theory debunked. I always thought that the Nessie Surgeon's Photograph was the result of a class clown making a critter shadow in front of an old projector. Doctored photo — joila. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loch_Ness_Monster

  • Extemporanus

    This is good news for Blue Öyster Cult.

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Some things are just too stupid to snark on.

    • Terry

      Louisiana has the best and worst of things, no middle ground at all. If something is good there, it's the best you've ever seen. If something is bad there, it is truly horrific.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    The Louisiana textbooks also claim that Shaquille O'Neal is a direct descendant of noted biblical giant Goliath.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well at least they got something right.

    • Terry

      On the LSU campus, he's more of a demi-god.

    • Chichikovovich

      And in their version of the Biblical story, David plays for Alabama. Goliath drops fifty on him on the way to a humiliating blowout in the SEC finals.

  • not that Radio

    I'll read this later. I have to go walk my chupacabra now. He gets really grouchy if I don't take him out to kill some cattle right after work.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      WIN!

      • GeneralLerong

        Yeah, that outta get a Comment o' the Day magnificent mantle piece trophy of genuine…genuine…Coreentheean leather?

        • tessiee

          With stimulated diamonds.

    • radio-of-owls

      Why that there sounds like somethin' original. Don't always see that 'round these parts.

      • not that Radio

        Who are you talking to?

    • Chichikovovich

      Why that there sounds like somethin' original. Don't always see that 'round these parts.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I'm just going to wait until another commenter says something funny and then say that.

        • not that Radio

          Ultimately, the real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to call on President Obama to resign.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Ni!

          • radio-of-owls

            I live only 17 blocks from a guy whose 2nd cousin's friend's nephew's babysitter's chupacabra once said, "Whee!," which rhymes with "Ni!"

            TOO SOON!!!!!

          • Doktor Zoom

            This whole chupacabra can be sent to Afghanistan, no one has lost any

          • not that Radio

            I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

    • MrFizzy

      I think they like to snack on jackalopes

      • not that Radio

        Keeping a fresh supply of jackalopes on hand at all times gets pricey. Even at $2.99/dozen, I have the problem of storing them.

    • JohnyEdge

      Goats. Chupacabras feed on goats. No wonder yours is grouchy.

      If you were a graduate of Louisiana public schools, you'd know that.

      • not that Radio

        DAMMIT!

  • flamingpdog

    One excerpt from Bob Jones University Press American history textbook has been reported as saying: "the [Ku Klux] Klan in some areas of the country tried to be a means of reform, fighting the decline in morality and using the symbol of the cross … In some communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked with politicians."

    I have no words for this. I give up. Take me, Jeebus. Take me from this foreign land.

    • Callyson

      Just checked the article in a naive hope that you were kidding.

      Jesus. FUCKING. CHRIST!!!

      • SorosBot

        It is real. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Are you saying it's all Bunk?

    • emmelemm

      As prommie said earlier today, "TO THE COUCH FORTS!"

      Seriously, this is it. Just make it stop. I don't care any more, just make it stop. {rocking back and forth, chewing fingernails}

    • CivicHoliday

      KKK = good
      Darwin = bad
      Nessie = real
      Geologic evidence of life 3 billion years ago = fake

      Mind = blown

    • BoroPrimorac

      At least those kids aren't getting indoctrinated. Take that, liberal fascists.

      • AbandonHope

        A THOUSAND TIMES THIS.

    • Negropolis

      This revisionist history has been around as long as they've been an organization. For years, they tried to pawn them off as some kind of inocuous fraternity or social club instead of the terrorist organization that they were.

      • flamingpdog

        Actually, there was some truth to the last part of the text, "In some communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked with politicians." Denver Mayor Ben Stapleton, back in the 20s, was a Kluxer before he thought better of it, and there were others in Colorado at the time.

        But then back in the 20s, the head of the American Museum of Natural History in New York City could publish an article in the museum's Natural History magazine which strongly suggested that blacks were a separate species of human, and Asians might be, too. And his son became a prominent eugenicist.

        • emmelemm

          David Duke, QED.

        • Negropolis

          Yeah, they sure did work with politicians. Many of them were politicians. They practically owned the state of Indiana for a time. Crazy to think of what becomes "respectable." For example, the Nazis. I hate the belief among groups like these that genteel racism is somehow not racism; that you have to be some unrefined redneck shouting racial slurs for racism to be racism.

          • Chichikovovich

            This was a familiar theme among the upper echelon, better educated Nazis too: "we hate those crude, brutal, mindless anti-Semites. They're embarrassing barbarians. Our anti-Semitism is founded on solid scientific and philosophical principles."

            (See, for example Max Weinreich's classic Hitler's Professors.)

          • Negropolis

            See Also: American Renaissance (magazine)

  • Boojum

    Wait, if Nessie is real (and a plesiosaur), what about unicorns? And does this mean I will never get my jet pack?

  • johnnymeatworth

    On the upside, this means they might start hiring yetis to teach gym….

    • Slim_Pickins

      Non-Union Yetis, only.

      • Boojum

        Not Yetis? Too soon?

        • jqheywood

          That is … sooooo bad…congrats!

    • HempDogbane

      I'm pretty sure I had one in the 70s, but he was mostly able to pass, and the principal wasn't too bright.

  • barto

    Next up school lunches consisting of haggis shaped into little likenesses of Nessie. Yum!

    • tessiee

      I fail to see how haggis could be any worse than chitlins.*

      *I'm actually not 100% sure that they're not the same thing.

      • finallyhappy

        Chitlins are fried pig intestines, haggis is a stuffed sheep's stomach- as I remember with other innards and peppery oatmeal. Ok- almost the same thing.

        • Negropolis

          Chitlins aren't usually fried, though, I guess you can fry just about anything.

  • MissTaken

    ♫ Oh no, there goes Baton Rouge
    Go go, Godzilla ♫

    • littlebigdaddy

      Mothra libel!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Gamera teaches little children!

      • flamingpdog

        ♪ Gamera loves the little children,
        All the children of the world.
        Red or yellow, black or white,
        If you serve them over rice,
        Gamera loves the little children of the world. ♪♪

        • Doktor Zoom

          Gamera is really neat!
          Gamera is made of meat!
          We're all eating Gamera!

      • tessiee

        OK, wait…
        Godzilla was the big dinosaur.
        Mothra was the big moth (obviously).
        Gamera was… the big turtle?, or was that Rodan?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I thought Rodan was the French sculptor noted for his realism.

          • Boojum

            I was just thinkering that.

    • lulzmonger

      *turns on fog machine & strobe-light*

  • littlebigdaddy

    Last week, Japanese scientists explaced… placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

    • Extemporanus

      LOCH 'n' LOAD!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Ow.

  • Fairtackle

    Once you admit to yourself that you believe in talking snakes, it is a little hard to go back.

    • extreme_left

      yeah thats pretty much it, the door to the bat shit crazy cave is open.

      I look forward to the day when the field of Psychology grows the balls to diagnose Religion as symptomatic of Schizophrenia what with talking to an invisible man in the sky and blaming an invisible underground man for one's bads and all the other evidence of critical break from reality, not holding my breath though.

      • Fairtackle

        I kinda hope that when I finally grow tired of this world, I can make myself believe crazy shit too, like I can pee 20' of flame at will. that would be cool.

      • tessiee

        "blaming an invisible underground man for one's bads"

        I once had an interesting discussion with a Christian co-worker. She was one of the Christians who was willing to at least *listen* and *think* about stuff, so I tried to frame my discussions with her as respectfully as I could, given that I think religion is somewhere between harmless silliness and harmful insanity.

        Anyway, I asked her why she thought God made or at least allowed tornadoes, etc., and she said that she believed that those things were the work of the Devil. What marched out of my mouth was, "So… The Devil works for God?… as *an independent contractor*?"

        • Negropolis

          If you've ever read the book of Job, the devil does, indeed, work for God. In that book, he has to get approval from God to do what he does, or that is at least to say that he couldn't dole out anymore evil than a human could take.

          • Chichikovovich

            Though in Job the devil doesn't come off so much as an independent contractor as he does an enterprising small businessman handcuffed by Divine regulations.

          • Negropolis

            God certainly didn't allow any cost overruns.

        • finallyhappy

          isn't the Devil a fallen angel? I don't know that much about Lucifer or the beliefs about him/her/it. I realize I could study and learn but I'm busy on the back story of all the Avengers right now.

        • Boojum

          Now THIS is easy to masturbate to.

  • Pithaughn

    That there is some weapons grade, twist the knob to 11 and tear it off stupid. Do they also harp on the one time carbon dating was proved to be inaccurate? The famous ( to readers of anti creationist tomes) Mt. St. Helens sample, to wit: http://skeptoid.com/episodes/4146

    • flamingpdog

      I liked Steve Austin a lot better when he was the Six Million Dollar Man.

  • edgydrifter

    Who needs volcano monitoring? Tossing a virgin into the dragon-hole works every time.

    • Slim_Pickins

      So, the purpose of abstinence education is the production of sacrificial virgins?!

    • tessiee

      Jonah Goldberg almost certainly qualifies, but he'd either plug up the hole (teehee) or poison the dragon…
      Wait, that would kinda be a win-win, wouldn't it?

  • flamingpdog

    The courses are based around the Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) programme, which originated in Texas in the 1970s.

    Please secede Texass, PLEEEEEEEASE!

  • SorosBot

    "One tenet has it that if it can be proved that dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time as man then Darwinism is fatally flawed."

    But dinosaurs did walk the Earth at the same time as man. In fact, they still do; I had some to eat yesterday and it taste just like chicken, because it was chicken since chickens are fucking dinosaurs which does not disprove evolution (not "Darwinism", that is not a word) but in fact proves it.

    • flamingpdog

      That birds are dinosaurs is a relatively new hypothesis in paleontology. Most of the young-earth-tards consult paleontology texts from 1890 for their information. No snark.

      • SorosBot

        It only was proven relatively recently, but Archaeopteryx was discovered in 1861 and the idea has been around for a long time.

        Not that it matters; many of the creationist morans think they can attack evolution by poking holes in Darwin's original work, not understanding that science has moved on and improved since then, because they think we are authoritarian like them and just blindly follow leaders. (see also the belief that attacking Margaret Sanger somehow discredits Planned Parenthood and reproductive rights in general today).

        • CivicHoliday

          It's fun for me, as someone who learned in college that birds were part of their own clade but are now in the same taxonomic group as other reptiles, to teach this concept to my Gen Bio students. Amazing how looking at a pelvis can blow your fucking mind. If you have a mind, that is…which can't obviously be said for anyone involved in any way with the Louisiana xtian school science curriculum

          • Boojum

            Looking at pelvises (pelvii?) is often mind blowing.

        • glasspusher

          Ol' archaeopteryx kicked ass. A few years ago I got to see some of their fossils in a natural history museum in Germany. Very cool.

    • MissTaken

      Did you eat your dino-chicken with a banana to really disprove evolution?

      • SorosBot

        No bananas for me, but it was with pasta which also proves intelligent design, since god obviously made the rigatoni vines to grow fruit perfect for human consumption.

        • glasspusher

          Pastafarian?

        • tessiee

          FSM also maketh the tomato vines to grow right out of the ground, so there's your circle of life right there.

      • SorosBot

        And congratulations on your P-ness getting up to 120, honey!

    • Boojum

      Fuck that. Dinosaurs flatten jeeps. Do chickens flatten jeeps? I thought not.

    • Barrelhse

      "Darwinism" becomes a word when associated with certain awards.

      • tessiee

        Ironically, but fortunately for most of us, the winners of those awards tend to live in Louisiana and the surrounding states.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Everyone knows that birds came from outer space via Howard The Duck.
      Duh!

      • SorosBot

        Howard the Duck didn't come from outer space! He came from a parallel universe, Duckworld, from which he was pulled to Earth-616, the mainstream Marvel Universe. See Adventure in Fear #19 and Giant-Size Man-Thing (don't snigger – OK do) #1.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Wow, just when I think you can't get any nerdier …
          :)

          • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

            throw out a tolkein reference and it'll get better.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      all you have to do is watch those little fuckers strolling about your lawn and you see t rex.

      • Boojum

        You and I are not smoking the same thing.

        I blame Obama.

    • tessiee

      Also, what are alligators and crocodiles? Large reptiles that lived in the prehistoric era and live nowadays. They're semi-aquatic reptiles, but they also walk the earth at least *some* of the time.

    • 12X34X

      The crocs and gators would like to weigh in on that now, too.

  • MissTaken

    I sure hope they also use crop circles to teach Geometry.

    • savethispatient

      I doubt it: Crops Circles are made by Aliens, which are against the Bible as they come from a planet that is not Earth, and we know that Earth is the center of the solar system and universe.

      • emmelemm

        Mormon Libel! They believe in Aliens.

        • savethispatient

          Pah! Post-Copernicus hippies!

        • Negropolis

          Scientology Libel! Also. Too. Tambien.

      • not that Radio

        God left Aliens out of the bible because He wanted us to discover those for ourselves, like light bulbs and Fuddruckers.

        • Boojum

          And the KFC Double Down.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      "Geometry?" Do they still teach that?

    • scvirginia
  • TribecaMike

    Look on the bright side: they're teaching children that lying is a great thing, which it is!

    Signed, the Ghost of Richard M. Nixon

  • savethispatient

    This is good news for Alex Salmond and the SNP: the increased tourism dollars that the Scottish economy receives due to this will guarantee independence.

    Here's hoping they also start teaching the life-cycle of the rare Haggis – a small furry creature with legs shorter on one side of its body than the other, as it spends its life walking in circles around mountains.

  • Extemporanus

    LESSON 1: Puff, the magic dragon, lived by Metairie, and frolicked in the swampy mist in a land called Ana Louis.

    LESSON 2:

    • CapnRadio

      How much of this do I need to remember for my little Jackie paper?

      • Extemporanus

        Just enough to keep it rolling, man.

        • CapnRadio

          Meh, I'll just crib off of Mary Jane.

          • not that Radio

            Oh! You got the Fancy Stuff.

    • tessiee

      "LESSON 1: Puff, the magic dragon, lived by Metairie, and frolicked in the swampy mist in a land called Ana Louis.

      LESSON 2: … Little Jacquie Papier loved that rascal Puff.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Is it possible that the chimpanzees will disinherit us?

  • MissTaken

    In Louisiana this is called a "zoo"
    http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_20919630/backy

    • flamingpdog

      I dunno, I seem to remember from my youth that Yahweh struck down people for worshiping an artificial cow.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      That statue in the middle with the blue shirt and cowboy hat looks extremely life-like.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Flying spaghetti monster has to figure in here somewhere.

    • glasspusher

      Word

    • Negropolis

      By his noodly appendages, we are saved. Blessed be his name.

    • Doktor Zoom

      RA-men

      • tessiee

        Alfredo, who art in Heaven…

  • SorosBot

    It's just pathetic that we'll have to live in a country populated with these kids being abused by their parents and these schools, which are intentionally making them into idiots. Who knows, some of these poor kids could have ended up intelligent, but they'll never have the chance thanks to their parents sending them to schools that deliberately tell them blatant ridiculous lies and claim they're true

    Fuck this should not be allowed. It's not just the taxpayer money, I don't care if the parents or church are paying, and school that teaches creationism should not be allowed, it's another reason why home schooling shouldn't be allowed, because children should be taught the truth, not ridiculous blatant fantasies like this. Evolution is proven scientific fact and the backbone of biology and medicine and not teaching it to kids should never be allowed. fuck.

    • AutomaticPilot

      Yeah, that is one of the many reasons home schooling shouldn't be allowed. Another one that always kills me is that (at least in NY state), you have to get your Master's Degree to become a certified teacher, but any nose-picking schmoe off the street can home-school their chilluns.

      • AbandonHope

        I don't know. There's this evil part of me (the part that usually comes out when I browse Wonkette) that says they can go right ahead, and then utterly fail in the job market due to their lack of real knowledge about, well, anything, and it would be perfectly in line with their (ironic) Social Darwinist beliefs.

        • UW8316154

          The issue is that they are so easily courted for their vote. Sitting on the couch in the Section 8 house, living on unemployment, disability and WIC, occasionally taking the scooter to the Medicare doc – the aggressively ignorant are still allowed to vote, and are easily swayed by Republic messages to lower taxes and end government tyranny.

          It's one thing to be willfully uninformed when they are in a remote hollow somewhere; it's another when their vote can affect my vagina.

      • tessiee

        "any nose-picking schmoe off the street can home-school their chilluns"

        and they all do.

    • CivicHoliday

      I agree with you, but I'm particularly outraged because it IS using taxpayer money, and supposedly taking the place of a good public education. It drives me bonkers that we don't have stricter rules about homeschooling (such as periodic testing to assure kids are actually learning things on par with grade level) and even more bonkers when, as you say, we willfully "educate" children in a way that keeps them ignorant and malleable and incapable of engaging in coherent public debates because they have zero critical thinking and logic skills.

    • Negropolis

      Parts of this country are going in two totally different directions, and it's really scary in my none-snarky opinion. We're headed to a point where we're going to have a dozen or so socially and economically and physically healthy metropolitan areas, and everything else will descend into a hell on earth.

      • tessiee

        everything else will descend into a hell on earth that is the result of their determined efforts to create it

      • SayItWithWookies

        One of my favorite descriptions of America is George Clemenceau's insight that “America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.”

        It may or may not be originally his, but it's my favorite of its variations.

    • tessiee

      "school that teaches creationism should not be allowed, it's another reason why home schooling shouldn't be allowed, because children should be taught the truth, not ridiculous blatant fantasies like this"

      You'd *think*, but since we live in Bizarro Land, the purpose of school is to shield children from facts.

  • BarackMyWorld

    YOUR MOVE, MISSISSIPPI.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Alabama must be so ashamed.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Your move, evolution.

      • UW8316154

        FTW!!

    • glasspusher

      They could always point to Haley Barbour as evidence of, uh..um… uh…

      • Toomush_Infer

        the world being round – oh,it's not? Well, put Haley in the zoo, then….

    • Negropolis

      Mississippi announced, today, that they are making the great Leviathan their state fish.

      • Chichikovovich

        Which is doubly appropriate, since life there is poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

  • savethispatient

    Also, dear Louisiana crazy schools: please google Coelacanth (or any of these other fish) and then tell me how that disproves Darwinism.

    • flamingpdog

      No snark, that's just fuel for their fire. I remember a classic Johnny Hart "B.C." comic strip after he went Christard in which one of the folks asks, "If we evolved from apes, how come there are still apes?" One thing there is limitless supply of in America is teh stoopid.

      • savethispatient

        Well yes, so stoopid that they chose the Loch Ness Monster to teach instead of the real existing fish.
        This really has a nice symmetry with the news that the largest group of new immigrants to the US is Asians… better to import educated people than grow 'em here, right?

        • SayItWithWookies

          Lots of immigrants were thin when they came here before adopting the American diet and getting fat — if we can make 'em fat, we can make 'em stupid, don't you worry.

          • savethispatient

            Have you been looking at pictures of me from 5 years ago and comparing them with my current waistline?

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Christine O'Donnell said the same thing on an episode of Bill Maher's old show. Now we know where she got the talking point.

        • Chichikovovich

          That's been part of folklore anti-evolutionism for decades. I heard it from a fundie classmate in the early seventies when I was maybe 10 years old. Presumably that is what his Sunday School teacher told him.

      • Boojum

        And I thought that was an ironic commentary on the ignorance of cavemen. There I go, underestimating stupidity.

    • glasspusher

      My favorite fish! We now know of two living species. Informed Mafia types in Madagascar now say "he's sleeping with the lobe finned fishes"

    • tessiee

      Blah blah blah the Bible wharrgarrble, because these people are so stupid that they think MAKING a claim PROVES the claim.

      • not that Radio

        Ego hoc, ergo hoc.

    • tessiee

      Those were all pretty awesome, especially the guy with a saw on his beak and the shark that looks like a giant dick.

    • finallyhappy

      sacoptyrigian- a word I learned about Coelacanths

  • edgydrifter

    And New Orleans flooding after Hurricane Katrina proves the story of Noah.

    • Negropolis

      Yep, God punished decadent New Orleans for its debauchery, or and for also being Catholic.

      • UW8316154

        Yep, God punished decadent New Orleans for its debauchery, or and for also being predominantly black and poor.

        /fixed

        • SorosBot

          No, that second part was why George Bush punished New Orleans.

          • Negropolis

            WIN

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    There are far more dinosaurs about than beloved Nessie. Take the Teapartiers for example, all of Faux News, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, many in Congress, the list goes on and on.

  • Toomush_Infer

    What???? Crocodiles and iguanas weren't enough??????…

    • rickmaci

      Gila Monster libel.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Pfff, fuck those lazy fucks. Anyone who doesn't believe dinosaurs evolved into birds hasn't met my wife's overly territorial lovebird.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Godzirra vs. The KFC Fire Hydra nt

    • rickmaci

      ^^Winner.

  • Veritas78

    In the long run this is going to save the rest of us a LOT of money. Soon, their med schools will just teach leeches, their barbers can be doctors again, and they'll all be dead by 38. We're off the hook!

    • AbandonHope

      This would be a great plan if they weren't determined to drag everybody else down with them.

    • Negropolis

      Well, until they decide to start another war with us. I saw build a fence in the Ohio and Mississippi rivers and call it a day.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    And I thought you couldn't teach someone to be stupid.

    • AutomaticPilot

      This is a great way for people to become actively involved in the expansion of their own stupidity, instead of just passively becoming dumber just by watching Fox Newz.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I always thought Republicans wanted to turn back the New Deal. I didn't realize they wanted to go back to the quaint old days before the Renaissance and the Enlightenment.

    These people are just mentally ill and have no business teaching, holding positions in government, voting, or raising children.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Word. It makes a guy, somewhere in a deeper, darker partition of his heart, want to reconsider forced sterilization.

    • Ducksworthy

      "I didn't realize they wanted to go back to the quaint old days before the Renaissance and the Enlightenment." Have you been out of the country for the last few years?

    • Pithaughn

      way to much credit, they are hoping for early civilization, the great sun king romney's burial pyramid type of retrograde.

    • GeneralLerong

      I keep wondering if the Chinese actually have the right idea with their re-education camps. Nevada has lots of space. So does Wyoming. So does the Gulf of Mexico.

    • Negropolis

      Hell, I've always said that they wanted to take us back to the Garden, dumb, naked and care-free. Which doesn't sound so bad on paper.

    • tessiee

      Or breathing air that, if they died, decent, sensible people could breathe instead.

      • Boojum

        :::swoon:::

  • SayItWithWookies

    As a faithful Darwinist, it's depressing to know that our faith relies on such flimsy evidence that the mere discussion of a beast not yet shown to exist can bring on the downfall of the entire religion methodology. Dear me, I fear the Christian fundamentalists are finally about to have their breakthrough and be proven right for all eternity. Sigh.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Tomorrow in the Wall Street Journal: why a 4.2% tax on calcified retained earnings in the tooth fairy industry will destroy democracy.

  • Callyson

    publicly-funded vouchers for the next school year to attend private schools where Scotland’s most famous mythological beast will be taught as a real living creature

    Now I have yet another reply the next time I hear my libertarian classmate go on about how the *liberals* waste taxpayer money…

  • glamourdammerung

    This is hardly surprising since Republicanism is nothing more than the whole "victory over oneself" that Orwell talked about. Feelings, "common sense", contrariness, and ancedotes are the "other side" of facts and reality.

  • rickmaci

    I wouldn't mind them so much if these loonies would stay in their own isolated cult communities, leave the rest of us alone and commit mass suicide while waiting for the Apocalypse every decade or so.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      The British felt the same way in the 16 and 1700's, their results were mixed.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well OF COURSE dinosaurs are alive today. Our good friend Derrick Wildcat takes excellent pictures of them all the time.

    • scvirginia

      Pretty dinos!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Flying dinos

        Excellent dinos

        (this is the picture)

        • AutomaticPilot

          Excellent Peter Gabriel reference!

          • MosesInvests

            And Laurie Anderson is chopped liver?

          • AutomaticPilot

            Excellent Peter Gabriel reference with guest vocalist Laurie Anderson!

          • Doktor Zoom

            Ahem. Excellent reference to a song co-written by both of 'em, with alternate versions released by each.

          • AutomaticPilot

            The things you learn on Wonkette!

    • emmelemm

      Damn, them's good pictures! I looked at some of his pictures on his blog before, I think, but not the Flickr page – so many pictures….

  • SorosBot

    They also have some eyewitness testimony to dinosaurs living alongside humans from a Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble and Was, Not Was.

    • flamingpdog

      Who knew "The Flintstones" was a documentary?

      • scvirginia

        Anyone paying attention to the SC Legislature?

    • sullivanst

      Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom.

  • owhatever

    Many Africans found their way onto a new way of life and opportunity in America and soon formed unique groups like the Platters and the Chantels. One invented peanut butter and another man from Kenya, Africa, stole the presidency. A holiday is named after one of their kings. (ACE: Short course in Negro history)

    • grace_nearing

      Alas, the invention of peanut butter is in dispute (some award the prize to Aztecs). You can substitute axle grease and/or biofuels if you want.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Most African immigrants were reduced to abject poverty when President Lincoln signed a law banning their traditional way of life.

    • Negropolis

      "Now the negro was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the uncorrupted white woman…"

  • scvirginia

    If it's not Scottish, it's crap.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I believe in Teletubbies.

  • Exhausted66

    ""One tenet has it that if it can be proved that dinosaurs walked the earth"

    Two words: Larry King.

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      I was thinking Carol Channing.

    • tessiee

      On the plus side, the fact that one of them has mastered the correct use of the word "tenet" could be considered progress.

      • Chichikovovich

        For all intensive purposes anyway.

        • tessiee

          Yet unstill, they did use it correctly.

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            Irregardless, it is still progress.

          • Negropolis

            But, that's a whole nother discussion.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

    Goddamn it. It used to be just the French, English, Swiss, Germans, and Scandinavians that put on their "smarter/more cultured/more attractive than the Americans" airs, but now the Scottish are getting in on the act?? Who's next? Ireland? Poland?? Luxembourg????

    • flamingpdog

      The Duchy of Grand Fenwick? I think that's in ACE geography books.

      • Toomush_Infer

        The mouse that roared like a dinosaur (on hearing this)?….

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Nooningshire.

    • Steverino247

      I can't think of anything worse than Belgians.

    • UW8316154

      At least we don't have to worry about the Vatican putting on airs.

  • jingajo

    So I guess this means Harry and the Hendersons is a documentary.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      As was The Flintstones.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Don't forget the coelacanths, they were thought to be extinct, but found not in the late 1930s. Some believe that Karl Rove is related to this specie on his father's side. Coelacanth means hollow spine, and it is felt that this is a feature which helps Karl to be so eel-like slippery when reporters try to play a gotcha.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Why use the Loch Ness monster? The entire state of Louisiana proves evolution theory is wrong.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Um, that's Devolution theory…

      • tessiee

        *searches storage shed for flowerpot hat*

      • Boojum

        Are they not men?

        Um, well, actually not, not any more.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Yes, because the existence of neanderthals alongside contemporary homo sapiens proves Darwin was wrong.

  • AbandonHope

    Fundamentalists "disprove" Darwinian evolution in the same way that one might "disprove" the real number line. Example:

    Sane person: Theory states there are an infinite number of real numbers.
    Fundie: Oh yeah? Then what's halfway between 2 and 3?
    Sane person: 2.5.
    Fundie: Okay, sure, but explain why there's no number between 2 and 2.5?
    Sane person: There is — it's 2.25.
    Fundie: Ah, but NOW I've got you. What's between 2 and 2.25?
    Sane person: That would be 2.125.
    Fundie: But you still haven't found the missing link between 2 and 2.125!
    Sane person: Oh, for fuck's sake, that's 2.0625.
    Fundie: Sure, you think you've won, but tell me this, smart guy — what's between 2 and 2.0625 then?
    Sane person: You know what? Screw this. I'm through trying to get through to you.
    Fundie: AHA! GOT YOU! That proves real numbers are just a flawed theory! I win! JEEBUS USA BIBLE CONSTIMATUTION MCNAUGHTY!
    Sane person: [sigh]

    • flamingpdog

      Bravo!

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      You can tell them about pie. But not pi.

      • Boojum

        I like pie so much I can eat 3.14159265358979323846 pieces.

    • Doktor Zoom

      POSSIBLY APOCRYPHAL: I recall seeing a mention, back in the early 80's, of a Moral- Majority-type parent who complained that a math teacher was promulgating the heretical idea that there were no absolute values…

      • flamingpdog

        When I think of these folks, I think of -273.15 degrees C. Describes them perfectly.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Did you hear about the scientist who was frozen to absolute zero?

          He's 0k

          • Extemporanus

            0w.

          • proudgrampa

            Well played, sir!

    • tessiee

      From "Futurama"
      Banjo: Oh! [He shows a hologram of a man and a Chimpanzee] If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes?
      Farnsworth: We did find it! It's called Homo erectus!
      Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus.
      Farnsworth: Yes, they have! It's called Homo habilis!
      Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis.
      Farnsworth: Yes, they have! It's called Australopithecus africanus!
      Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! [Time Lapse. The hologram now shows 19 different species of ape] Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!
      Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist!
      Banjo: [He scoffs.] Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!

  • scvirginia

    Sounds like Bob Jones U got a bit too multi-culti when celebrating the Year of the Dragon…

    • flamingpdog

      I think it's less a matter of too many cultures and more a matter of too many voices in their heads.

      • scvirginia

        Yes, but at BJU, the voices are all preachin' from the same textbooks.

  • sullivanst

    Best way to stop Louisiana from allowing schools to teach that Nessie is ForRealsie: tell them Wonkette approves :P

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe
    • Boojum

      I thought it meant "jet pack"? WILL YOU PEOPLE MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!!!!

  • savethispatient

    That's nothing – there's also some religious schools that teach that a Palestinian man was put to death by the state, but then came back to life after 3 days.

    • CivicHoliday

      And moved a two-ton boulder like Hercules! And was a kick ass magician! Man that's a good yarn.

    • Chichikovovich

      That was no Palestinian. He was from Bethlehem. Which is in Pennsylvania.

      • savethispatient

        Haha! Go to head of the class, Chichikovovich!

      • AbandonHope

        Didn't Bruce Springsteen write a song about him?

        • tessiee

          Yeah, but in Bruce's version, he wasn't from Pennsylvania, he was from New Jersey.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Born in the USA, that's all that matters.

      • savethispatient

        And why wasn't Jesus born in Louisiana? Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

      • flamingpdog

        But he's always described as Jesus of Nazareth. Isn't that in Texas?

        • UW8316154

          No no no. Jesus was the lead singer in Nazareth.

        • Chichikovovich

          I could tell you, but right now I'm feelin' 'bout half past dead. Just need to find a place where I can lay my head.

          • bobbert

            I think you can find a bed over that way.

          • Chichikovovich

            Well, that's a relief. I thought you would just grin and shake my hand, with “no” all you said.—

        • Negropolis

          I don't know, but I know that Palestine's in Texas.

      • Negropolis

        Also from Pennsylvania is Count Chocula, the guy that impaled said Palestinian on a wooden pole.

  • extreme_left

    The Incredible Hulk is pretty damning proof Evolution isn't real.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    "Do you enjoy your science classes Bubba?"

    "Heck yeah, today we learnt that the existence of Smurfs proves that Hinduism is of the Devil! My teacher got his Master's Degree from the Hanna-Barberra Theillogical seminary."

    • UW8316154

      sexysmurf libel…???

  • fartknocker

    Given the Supreme Court's current and future rulings on campaign finance and health care, KFC fire hydrants, and now mythical creatures from 1960s B-grade SciFi, I really am hoping that the Mayan calender is true and we all implode and return to carbon. That will really piss off the GOP.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Why? It's not as if they're going to pass a carbon tax anytime soon.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

    Incidentally, the Jersey Devil also proves that the Bible is right. And the majority of New Yorkers also too.

    • Negropolis

      Now, now that's not a nice way to mention Snooki.

  • Sassomatic

    Maybe Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, will be shown as a documentary.

  • Warpde

    Bloody Scot's trying to spoil all the fun, again.
    Time for Highland Clearances 2.0.1.5.488.
    Show them buggers who's boss.

    Jesus rules.

  • GemlikeFlame

    Swell. Pretty soon we'll have to home school our children to avoid the patent state-endorsed Jesus-flavored rape of science that the right seems to believe is theirs to violate however they see fit. The only good thing about this is that math is probably safe, I have yet to meet a thumper that understood the binomial theorem. Philosophy probably isn't safe from people who think Pascal's Wager is somehow compelling. When we have schoolchildren throwing temper tantrums because a teacher dared to cast any doubt on their carefully indoctrinated belief systems, something is horribly wrong.

    Well, one out of three ain't bad. No, wait, yes it is.

    • viennawoods13

      I taught a kid who had been home-schooled by his preacher's-wife mother until he hit high school. In a discussion about the colonization of Africa, I said that the Europeans destroyed the social/cultural/religious systems that had existed there by converting them to Christianity. He picked up a book and read it in stoney, ostentatious silence til the end of class. I had offended.
      Oh, and guess what? He's now a public school teacher.

      • GemlikeFlame

        Dawkins wept. My brother home schooled his ten(!) children, and used the standard BSCS biology text, arguably one of the most popular and even-handed texts in use today. Since his religious beliefs were somewhere to the right of Jerry Falwell, I thought this was suspiciously liberal until I got a look at one of the textbooks. He'd carefully gone through and crossed out the sections that "we don't believe in." I told him then in as quiet a voice as I could muster that science isn't a matter of belief, it's a matter of what you can prove, stomped out and haven't spoken to him since. That was 25 years ago. I'm sure his now adult children were carefully taught that you can safely ignore physical evidence if it conflicts with what you believe.

        Perhaps I'm wrong and there's a god after all. Wouldn't surprise me in the least, I've been wrong about a vast number of things, but deliberately hamstringing the intellectual development of a child should be a criminal offense.

        And that's why I teach college math, computer science, and biology. I can't repair the damage to his children, but I can make sure that other children get at least a balanced exposure to the scientific method and why it's important.

        Teach the controversy, my ass.

        • tessiee

          "My brother home schooled his ten(!) children, and used the standard BSCS biology text, arguably one of the most popular and even-handed texts in use today. Since his religious beliefs were somewhere to the right of Jerry Falwell, I thought this was suspiciously liberal until I got a look at one of the textbooks. He'd carefully gone through and crossed out the sections that "we don't believe in.""

          So the guy who failed biology has ten kids? There's a shocker.

          Also, good for you.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          "carefully taught that you can safely ignore physical evidence if it conflicts with what you believe."

          Perfect Republican children.

    • GemlikeFlame

      Touche.

  • Doktor Zoom

    In grad school, I actually spent a couple weeks observing a small Christian school that used Accelerated Christian Education; it's all self-study through a series of workbooks and tests. Most of it's fairly conventional, apart of course from the Creationist weirdness, and everything is full of Bible references. And then there was the 5th-grade (I think) Language Arts lesson on fact and opinion:

    A fact is an observable reality, something that can be quantified or measured, or God's Inerrant Truth as revealed through the Bible.

    Examples:

    * The table is made of wood.
    * Washington DC is the capital of the USA.
    * Water freezes at 32 degrees F.
    * Jesus died to take away all our sins.
    * God created the world and all life in seven 24-hour days, less than 10 thousand years ago.

    An opinion is a matter of taste, a view or judgement about which people might reasonably disagree, or a "scientific" claim that contradicts Biblical truth.

    Examples:

    * Blue is prettier than yellow.
    * My mom bakes the best chocolate chip cookies in town.
    * Mr Jones is a better candidate for Mayor than Mr. Smith.
    * The Universe is several billion years old.
    * Humans evolved from apes.

    I'm mostly reconstructing the specifics from memory, but that's pretty much what it was like.

    • Sassomatic

      So an opinion is something that is either a personal taste or something they tell you is not true. I've taught kids coming from these kinds of schools. No wonder their minds are so twisted.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I can only guess how they'd label the statement "The speed of light is a constant." I suppose they might accept that as a fact, but then fall into fairy stories when asked about the distance to Galaxy UDFj-39546284 (the oldest / most distant yet detected, at 13.2 billion light-years away).

        299,792,458 meters per second? Yeah, well, you know, that's just like, uh, your opinion, man.

        • AbandonHope
          • Doktor Zoom

            Heh..I think you may have started your reply just before I updated my post with that very bullshit.

          • AbandonHope

            Oops… yep, definitely did. The best part about most of that author's speculations are that — just like the existence of God — much of them can't be proven. They're like the old "LastThursdayism" joke — prove to me that the entire universe didn't just spring into being last Thursday, with all of previous history just an illusion designed to make us think time existed prior to last Thursday.

            You can't disprove it but that doesn't make it any less insipid.

          • Chichikovovich

            Though it is bullshit, it isn't quite as dishonest as most of the Creationism/ID stuff. The author skips through a bunch of possibilities, rejecting many of them for (pretty obvious) compelling scientific reasons. Tosses out a couple of fanciful stories without actually endorsing them, but suggesting they are worth further study. Muddies the waters by pointing out a very distantly analogous problem for Big-Bang cosmology.

            But in the end, at least he tacitly acknowledges that light from distant stars is a genuine problem for them and the solutions proposed so far either don't work or haven't been worked out enough to evaluate.

          • Doktor Zoom

            I like the guys who explain that continental drift all happened during the year of the Flood–and there's the subset that thinks that the asteroid belt is made up of stuff ejected from Earth when the continents were whizzing across the planet.

            Yes, there are people say this with a straight face.

          • Boojum

            I think that's their "stupid face".

          • SayItWithWookies

            You are far too generous to this jackass's sophistry. His assumptions are that a) the speed of light has changed over time, b) time moves at different speeds relative to its distance from earth (i.e. an un-homogeneous universe) c) The LORD could've done anything to alter the facts if they don't yet fit our conclusions.

            Not only that, he's gone and made some completely mystifyingly opaque critique of this light-travel-time thing, wherein if a situation that isn't evident actually happened, it would hypothetically disprove our current ideas of how energy spreads — okay.

            It's one thing for a person to criticize a theory and come up with one more parsimonious — it's entirely whacked to criticize current knowledge and say a better fit is one that assumes huge numbers of extra and inexplicable circumstances but they're right as long as they fit the biblical text.

          • Sassomatic

            So, if we were able to accelerate a clock to nearly the speed of light, that clock would tick very slowly. If we could somehow reach the speed of light, the clock would stop completely.

            Oh yeah, that's fucking SOLID understanding of science right there. Because it's the flow of time that directly makes the hands of the clock move, and not, say, a mechanical mechanism that -measures- the flow of time.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Fails miserably, doesn't it? The only one that makes "sense" is where god makes distant galaxies with their light already on its way to Earth. With this "universe as a practical joke" theory, you only have to explain god's peculiar sense of humor.

        • glasspusher

          The Dude libel!

        • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

          The speed of light. Not just a good idea, it's the law.

        • not that Radio

          Hyperfine transitions in the Cesium-133 atom have a well-known liberal bias.

    • CivicHoliday

      *facepalm*

    • tessiee

      Five or ten years from now, you'll see these kids on daytime trash TV, vehemently insisting that the lie detector test and/or DNA test are "WRONG, man!".

  • Boojum

    How in hell do you get "jet pack" from "oxen"?

    Oh, and do plesiosaurs really like to please? Because, no offense to Nessie, I find that hard to masturbate to.

    • tessiee

      Well, I don't recall you *asking*…
      Oh, you said *Nessie*.
      Never mind.

      • Boojum

        BRB

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      You don't like bbw?

      • Boojum

        It's the long leathery neck that bothers me.

        So, basically, Nessie is Jan Brewer.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The Loch Ness Monster isn't real??? You're kidding?

  • CommieLibunatic

    I'm with Professor Farnsworth on this one.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I actually have a positive thought about this. It's kind of a Santa Claus approach. The operating principle may be training to believe without any proof [or even decent evidence]., to prepare them for the real whopper beliefs, mentioned above, that they're expected to swallow later on. Or even 'well, you can't prove there ISN'T a Loch Ness Plesiosaur' [weren't these reptiles anyway?]
    I think this will backfire on them.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Um, like Santa Jezus himself?….

      • Blueb4sunrise

        It's only MY THEORY!!!! A momentary lapse in cynicism.

        I see your point, but was thinking that there's this whole realm of woo hoo that was at least conceptually separable from 'does the earth revolve around the sun, were there fire-breathing dragons', which is how many religious scientist kinda reconciled the two, but the more the woo hoo pushes crap about the latter kind of stuff, the more risky it is for blowback when people realize they've been bullshitted.

    • Boojum

      If you can get to them soon enough, children can think. Otherwise, they are just balls of whatever stoopid they heard most.

  • Barrelhse

    Louisiana is Bliss.

    • Negropolis

      Comment of the Week material.

  • glasspusher

    I think it's a safe bet to assume these folks know more about The Hollywood Squares than Punnet squares.

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      Paul Lynde once walked the earth with humans: true or false?

      • glasspusher

        Paul Lynde ascended directly into heaven. So it was written, so shall it be done!

  • CivicHoliday

    Well at least they won't be offended when I put up a billboard reminding everyone that they are all homozygous for the microcephaly gene.

    • tessiee

      Of course they'll be offended, but it will be because you used a word starting with "homo".

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    "Chilly waiting for Nessie to show up. Whyn't you boys crawl up in this sleeping bag with Mr. Science and I'll show you some survivalist tactics designed to generate warmth…"

  • chascates

    So Mothra and Gamera are just dinosaurs? And they looked so hokey in those movies on MST3K.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    Okay, I read the post.
    I read the Herald Scotland article linked in the post.
    I am now cursing in a Scottish accent.
    I hope I'm doing part of ancestry proud by doing so.
    But now I'm going to take a nice bath & try not to drown myself after reading the new level of stupidity offered by U.S. of Wrong.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Oh for fucks sake.

  • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Comrade Wingtardd

    Odd, there's not a word about this on nola.com

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, I can't blame them for letting it slip, since they have quality tabloid journalism like this to occupy their attention:
      http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2012/06/new_o

      • glasspusher

        Nola DARLING!

        • Boojum

          I know a woman named Nola.

          At least the last time I saw her, she was sex on a stick, dipped in aphrodisiacrumbs and fried in butter. In the South, this is a good thing.

          • glasspusher

            I don't see how that's a bad thing anywhere, as long as one practices safe sex!

    • glasspusher

      Of course there is- front page says "Debbie is slow, erratic". Obvs reference to the author of these teaching materials.

    • AbandonHope

      The liberal media strikes again!

    • Negropolis

      I'm sure like most online "newspapers" these days, they couldn't fit the story in because who Lindsay Lohan is fucking, these days, and the newest barbeque recipe are far more important.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I predict witches being burned somewhere in the US in the next 20 years. I just hope it's not me being as I know how to cure athletes foot and all the laws of thermodynamics.

    • glasspusher

      I've got your back, partner.

      In the course of spontaneous change…

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      Your satanic thermodynamicism will come in handy as they toss copies of Rachel Maddow books on your pyre.

    • Chichikovovich

      I wish I could cure all the laws of thermodynamics. Or at least reverse entropy. In my office. And in my son's room.

    • Negropolis

      Kansas. Definitely Kansas, with Michigan soon to join if they keep up this anti-women bullshit.

    • CivicHoliday

      I got you beat – I know all the annoyingly complex biochemical steps of cellular respiration and photosynthesis. I know for a fact that my students would be more than happy to put me in an iron maiden for forcing them to know what pyruvic acid and Acetyl-CoA are.

  • scvirginia

    So we need to get busy with counter-measures. Who volunteers to write Chapter 1 for the 1st Grade Science textbook?

    • glasspusher

      Fuck yeah! Unless this is some kind of trap to ensnare scientists?

      • scvirginia

        I don't always know what to do with the scientist I've already ensnared, so no this in't a trap.

        Actually, it looks like something's already being tackled via Wikibooks http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikibooks:Textbook_s… , but you need computers to access e-books, so textbooks made of paper still look pretty useful for a while yet…

        • glasspusher

          That's not uncommon. Ms. glasspusher doesn't always know what to do with me either. I think she's considering having me made into a lamp, but I doubt that would work because I'm not too bright.Srsly, there are plenty of good science textbooks out there, the problem is getting the fuckwits to allow them in schools. Deadening the sensibilities of a great democracy…

          • scvirginia

            I wonder how much of this is actually fuckwittism & how much is simply funding. There's a lot of money behind the 'Christian' textbooks, but the books with real science are probably not as well-funded. Too bad I'm in no position to out-fund the Fundies…

          • glasspusher

            I suppose the kids who are really interested in science will find the right resources, but it's inexcusable to intentionally misinform and handicap kids in a science curriculum.Keep your holy book out of my lab, and I promise not to do experiments in your house of worship. Same goes for science class in school. Yeesh.On the other hand, it was blasphemy that set us free ;)

  • Ducksworthy

    Come on. There's for evidence for 'Nessie than there is for the Planet Kolob. "Romney/Jindal 2012. The pro-science ticket."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The evidence for Nessie is stronger than the evidence favoring tax cuts, too. The problem is that these imbeciles are immune to evidence.

  • coolhandnuke

    Remember Adrienne Barbeau's Himalayan cleavage from "Swamp Thing?"…I do.
    Using her as the yardstick to elementary education, Louisiana could see marked improvement in mathematics, ABCs, physics and biology if they employed the "Swamp Things things."

  • Madam Killjoy

    Fuck the Enlightenment!

  • Ducksworthy

    On a similar but more hopeful note: I an launching a venture to sell special rocks that will turn lead into gold. I'm pretty sure this will really take off if I can get Glenn Beck to interview me.

  • Negropolis

    Monster Quest libel!

  • JackObin

    I had no idea people were stupid in Louisiana. Are they fat as well?

  • CrunchyKnee

    Didn't read all the comments, but, I'm sure most fundies do not even know where Scotland is, let alone that it is in socialist you-rip.

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    This worries me. If word gets around, Hodags from the North Woods of Wisconsin and Jackalopes from all over the West will be lighting out for Louisiana, "The Land of Believers."

  • Negropolis

    Okay, now as someone of partial Scottish ancestry, I know of the Scottish Englightenment and it's far-reaching implications and accomplishments. But, when the Scottish are calling you stupid, you've got a problem.

    • Chichikovovich

      If you've got David Hume and Adam Smith pulling up the curve, you can have a lot of morons in the population and still be pretty damned smart, on average.

    • tessiee

      "But, when the Scottish are calling you stupid, you've got a problem."

      *Fat Bastard/Groundskeeper Willie accent*
      "OY! Louisiana! Yer schuuuuuules are shyte!"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Zombie James Clerk Maxwell would like a word with you. (Don't worry, he's got plenty of brains.)

  • Negropolis

    Swamp gas is a helluva drug.

    I've been sad to see a not insignificant amount of Catholics team up with the crazy evangelicals. While the Vatican has million-dollar telescopes looking deep into the heavens to find out the mysteries of the universe, a lot of American Catholics would be happy to take us back to Flat Earth Theory as far as their view of science is concerned.

  • jodyleek

    Just today, my mother-in-law asked me if I believed in evolution. I said yes, I have a minor in biology (and a brain) and of course I "believe" in evolution (like it's a religion, I guess). She asked if my parents believed in evolution, and didn't I go to a Lutheran college? Yes, yes all those things and yes I believe in evolution. "Well!" she smirked. "I just wasn't brought up that way!" What the hell does that mean? Like I'm a peeping tom or a swinger or some deviant. EVOLUTION IS NOT A DIRTY WORD!!! I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this blog (because she doesn't own a computer) – I just needed to vent.

  • lulzmonger

    In before the satraps overseeing education for the state of Alabama Denial Mississippi Psychosis Florida up the ante with a mandatory 8-week "Teach Teh Controversy" Cthulhu Mythos module.

  • BoroPrimorac

    Your move, Kazakhstan.

  • mormos

    I went to conservative christian schools for a good part of my life. It takes a long time to get that shit out of your head; and that's if you're lucky enough to get away from these kind of people.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    OT:

    A neural network of computer processors, fed millions of YouTube videos, taught itself to recognize cats, a feat of significance for fields like speech recognition.

    Now isn't that what the internet's all about? Also: Maybe Skynet won't be so bad, so long as it can enjoy its lolcats feed.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Holy shit. That's not dated April 1.

      Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, June 25th. And immediately noms all the world's cheezburgers.

      (Alternate reply: My God…it's full of cats)

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        HI DAVE ANTENNA BROKE I CAN HAZ FRANK FIXED IT? KTHXBAI

      • CivicHoliday

        "I have seen the future, and it licks itself clean"

        • Negropolis

          "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a cat tongue, licking a human face — forever. All your emotions are belong to us."

    • not that Radio

      I CAN HAZ CONSCIOUSNESS?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      I'M IN YER DEE FENZ SYSTEMZ LAUNCHING YER MSLES

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        ERMAGHERD! LAUNCH CODEZ!

  • tessiee

    "photographed by others"

    The person who took the famous photo confessed on his deathbed not only a) THAT it was a fake, but also B) EXACTLY HOW he faked it.

    Although, I suppose that just proves that that particular photo is a fake, not that Nessie doesn't exist.

    • Chichikovovich

      Naw. I think it just shows that he was lying about faking the photograph. The Evolutionists got to him.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur.

    Oh my god! SHE DOES.

    (I've never actually seen Nessie. Not "physically," anyway.)

  • MissNancyPriss

    The Fintstones argument arises.

  • not that Radio

    Too bad these people don't believe in science, or else they might learn about NESSI, an actual cool thing that actually exists. But then they'd have to believe in extra-solar planets, so I guess that ain't gonna happen.

    • Chichikovovich

      Oh, they know about NESSI all right, or at least some of them do. That charlatan William Dembski is always claiming that NESSI incorporates his principles for "Detecting Intelligence" and so gives a genuine scientific example of the principles he claims demonstrate the existence of intelligent design.

      • not that Radio

        Okay, I guess "learn about" was not exactly the right phrase.

        The instrument was certainly intelligently designed, by humans, so I suppose we can give him partial credit. But unless the intelligent designer is rich in methane, I doubt that NESSI will discover it.

        • Chichikovovich

          Ah, sorry – got cornfuzzed in my late-night posting. It's SETI that Dembski is confusedly rabbiting on about.

          • not that Radio

            Yes, SETI. I suppose their 27 years of no detections of extraterrestrial signals really bolsters the dude's argument.
            http://xkcd.com/718/

          • Chichikovovich

            His argument is 100% bullshit from a mathematical/statistical point of view, but that particular failure isn't a problem for him. What he's trying to do is come up with a defensible framework to reconstruct the old, obviously fallacious "The odds are [insert preposterously huge number here] to one that random processes could produce anything as complicated as even a single cell. It would be like imagining that a hurricane passing through a spare parts yard could produce a working automobile!" argument.

            There are a million things wrong with Dembski's framework, but one of the more common sense ones is that no current science that incorporates probabilistic reasoning uses anything like it, and for good reason – it would give the wrong answers. So Dembski has to say: "But this is a special framework for the very specific problem of intelligence detection! And it's not true that no scientists use this framework: look at SETI." [He also talked about Shannon information for awhile, but that was hopeless so it seems to have vanished from his repertoire.] So SETI's failure to find anything doesn't touch him – he just needs to be able to say: "See! Here are genuine, 100% accepted scientists and they are using my design-detection principles" [Of course, they aren't, but that's a separate issue.]

          • not that Radio

            They've certainly put a lot of "thought" into this. I was reading that "Does Distant Starlight Prove the Age of the Universe?" that someone linked to from AiG last night. These people have distilled the "Dazzle 'em with Bullshit" technique into a fine spirit. There's almost no scientific or mathematical concept that they can't deliberately misrepresent. Thermodynamics disproves evolution, and the Bible disproves thermodynamics, except when we want to misapply the statistical methods of thermodynamics to enforce some fallacy that we've backed into. You should teach a Special Topics class in the Misapplication of Statistical Methods in Young-Earth Creationism.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      KOLOB LIBEL!!!

      (wrong fundies?)

      • not that Radio

        If Kolob is truly at the center of the galaxy, as many suggest, it will be masked by the blinding luminosity of SagA*, and at the very least be obscured by interstellar dust and not be detectable by optical/IR spectroscopic instruments. We may be able to infer its mass and orbital period indirectly by radial velocity measurements of the host black hole using cm-wavelength observations.

        But none of that will be happening in Louisiana.

      • not that Radio

        Also, Louisiana is home to one of the three LIGO detectors. Certainly General Relativity is just as offensive to these people as evolution, no? I already didn't have high hopes for gravity wave detection, and now it's even worse.

  • smitallica

    So Nessie is a dinosaur, which means he's dead, but he's also alive.

    So…Nessie is Jesus?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      God isn't a woman! DUH

  • not that Radio

    Or how 900 ft Jesus could fit on an 8 ft cross?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    The question is, will it be a kind of "Pocket Dark Ages" with geographic limitations, or will it be destructive to a larger part of the globe outside of our borders?

    • SorosBot

      What's to worry about? I mean it's not like the previous Dark Ages were caused by fundamentalist Christians taking over the most powerful empire then on Earth and eradicating all knowledge which offended their beliefs, doing things like destroying what was then the world's greatest library while brutally murdering and mutilating the head librarian / instructor who had the temerity to be not just a scientist, but a woman.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        Which "Assassin's Creed" was this in?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    This is the best thing I've read all day.

  • tessiee

    "Who killed your mother, Bambi? Was it… DEVIL-lution?"

  • anteater

    Run Forrest RUNNNNNN.

  • proudgrampa

    It's too late to say anything but "Wow."

    The stupid continues to amaze.

  • Negropolis

    OT: You guys hear about the Yemen-trained Norwegian Muslim convert that's gearing up to strike us? WTF, Norway? First the Anders dude and now this dude? Seriously?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    I grew up in that environment. Private schooling, dragons=dinosaurs fundamentalist Dobson "show kids your penis" kind of cult.

    There is a reason I woke up at burning man wearing only a condom and a labcoat

    • thatsitfortheother1

      You're a fucking scientist?

      • Negropolis

        A fucking scientist is the best kind of scientist.

  • ReelSmartKate

    I'm sorry but evolution has been a proven fact ever since the discovery of Batboy. Humans are evolving into a species that prefer to live in dark, crap filled caves with only bugs to eat.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    If Germs evolved into Vitamins, why are there still Germs?

  • finallyhappy

    Dragons do exist- I was at the National Zoo and saw the Komodo Dragon. It said so on his enclosure. I didn't see him breathe fire but maybe when I go back.

    • mavenmaven

      They used to be big scary dragons but Jesus changed them into little ones to Save us.

  • StealthMuslin

    Why can't Louisiana just stick to the facts of Noah's ark, virgin birth and carpenters coming back from the dead?
    Leave Nessie alone!!!

  • SolitaireRose

    And all across this great land of ours, Repubs are talking about how they don't NEED to spend a lot of money on school, because Louisiana and Arkansas don't, never mind that if we all got the edumacation that they get in those states, we wouldn't be able to work our Facebook machines and the only jobs we could get are the only ones left, wiping assess and making food for fat people.

  • Dildeaux

    Wake up, sheeple!!1! Chemtrails change the weather. I blame Obama for the Sharia drought were having in the midwest. When will the country come to realize his sochulist plans for murika!

    thank the lawd loosiana finally stopped liebrul sciencey, fact-based education.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope for the sake of the people in Louisiana, who for whatever reason cannot leave Louisiana, that all the doctors and engineers and so forth who reside and work in Louisiana don't actually come from Louisiana.

    • Negropolis

      Well, they do have Tulane down in New Orleans, whatever it is that they produce. And they did at least have to help in figuring out a way to keep their city above water during normal weather conditions, so they must have civil engineers.

      But, I'm not even going to mention LSU.

  • DahBoner

    Hey Land O' Looey!

    The Lohness "monster" was just an elephant:
    http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/03/0

  • BlueStateLibel

    Somewhere in the black cold waters of Loch Ness, a large strugeon is quietly laughing…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You want to know why this shit is stupid? REALLY stupid? It's because if, next week, we were to come across some land that time forgot, and found it crawling with living, breating T-Rexes and Stegosaurs, IT WOULD NOT MEAN THAT EVOLUTION IS WRONG. All it would mean is that not all the dinosaurs died 63 million years ago, so maybe the asteroid theory ain't right. Nothing to do with evolution, which proves that these fucktards, who are writing fucking textbooks for children, know nothing about it.

    Just in case anybody got the idea that these ignorant cretins might be capable of logical thought.

  • Schmegeg

    "Biology 1099" That's the publication date, right?

  • elburritodeluxe

    Next lesson: how cutting revenues helps you pay off your debts. Jesus economics!

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    "Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) programme"

    Ah, so it has finally dawned that organized religion is slowly, (IMHO, much too slowly), dying out like the dinosaurs and if these religious charlatans wish to continue to have rubes pay them moneys to preach fairy tales then they are going to need accelerated Christian Education to build a new crop of gullible idiots.

  • Eve8Apples

    I think Wonkette needs to open a charter school in Louisiana.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Mr. Wilson is obviously an idiot — Islamic fundamentalists want to impose their religion on the masses against their will. They want to change the legal system to reflect their views on justice, marriage, and civil rights. They want to mold education systems to fit their narrow, misguided beliefs.

    Yes, but they still teach evolution.

  • Nostrildamus

    More disturbingly, why would a guy name his ox "Babe"?

  • djneedlz

    Can we just build a containment wall on this side of the Deep South and wait for it to drown in Greenland Jesus' tears? With maybe an airlift for anyone who requests it?Shouldn't take too long.

  • djneedlz

    Another suburban family morning
    Grandmother screaming at the wall
    We have to shout above the din of our Rice Crispies
    We can't hear anything at all
    Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration
    But we know all her suicides are fake
    Daddy only stares into the distance
    There's only so.much heartache he can take
    Many miles away
    Something crawls from the slime
    At the bottom of a dark Scottish lake

  • ttommyunger

    Going to be tough making that shit stick what with google and all. I guess that's the next move.