WHY AREN'T MEN FUNNY?  2:30 pm June 23, 2012

We Are Sorry We Left You Off Our List Of Hottest Conservatives, Steven Crowder

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Your Wonkette did something terrible this week, and it is time to get our Step Eight on, and make amends. In our post about the seven hottest conservative men to have judged the 20 hottest conservative women, we left out Steven Crowder. We did this because after googling him, we figured the picture that came up could not possibly have been of the conservative comedian, because he was young and handsomeish and not a sad monstrous goon!

So here, to make up for it, is a post just on Steven Crowder! Hiiii Steven! Hiiiii!

The first thing you will notice about Steven Crowder is he makes funny videos. This is because conservative people are the most hilarious people in the world*. Up top you will find a video about Batman talking about how much he pays in taxes. It is your typical boiler plate about how the top 1 percent pay so many taxes, and the bottom 50 percent pay 3 percent of the taxes. That is so sad and unfair, especially since the richest 400 people in the US earn more than the bottom 160 million of us. The Batman video also includes a really quick shot of a list of the biggest political donors, and UNION THUGS are on it (well, “rounding it out,” or “on the bottom”). How dare 5.5 million people banding together have as much political “speech” as Goldman Sachs? What is this, Communist Russia?

Anyway, we are done with this Batman video, because listening to him talk is making our earholes hurt. And for a video from a “comedian” it does not have so many “jokes.”

Here is one about Detroit, and Crowder “go[ing] ghetto.” What killed Detroit? Well, leftists obviously. But in the two minutes we could standing watching it, at least he didn’t blame it on black people, so that is something, we guess! Hooray for racial transcendence! (Debbie Schlussel herself apparently watched the whole thing, and simply did not care for it.)

There are lots more videos of Steven Crowder talking about guns and leftists and #Occupy and stuff, but that is pretty much all of our Saturday we are willing to give.

We are sorry we left you out of our Hottest Conservative Men to Judge the 20 Hottest Conservative Women list, Steven Crowder. Please consider this our sincere apology, and good luck on all your future Fox contributor endeavors!

*When people talk about how conservatives aren’t funny, they are invariably forgetting Larry Miller, who is fucking HILARIOUS. Remember Larry Miller in Best of Show? Maybe you should rent it again. No one should ever forget Larry Miller, you guys.

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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nounverb911 June 23, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Is Crowder dating Lindsey Graham too, also?

TribecaMike June 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Lindsay Lohan's hash dealer by the looks of it.

nounverb911 June 23, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Ann Romney keeps Polar Bears on the roof of her Cadillac?

LibertyLover June 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Cadillac(s) — plural. She has two. She probably has two polar bears too.

MilwaukeeKent June 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

To be fair, one of them is a champion dancing polar bear with a bonus 77k tax deduction.

Negropolis June 24, 2012 at 12:37 am

What a fuckin' welfare queen.

Biff June 25, 2012 at 10:44 am

So bi-polar, then?

Infrogmation June 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

A polar bear on every Cadillac, and an elevator in every garage! For the 1%! Romney 2012!

Barb June 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I watched the video and someone needs to get Stevie a lozenge .

freakishlywrong June 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Dennis Miller totally fucking black-holes Larry Miller. Yes. In a gay way too, also.

commiegirl99 June 23, 2012 at 2:37 pm

What is "black holes"?

Barb June 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Black holes is what Kanye fantasizes about when he is banging Kim Kardashian. Everyone knows that theirs is just a "showmance."

freakishlywrong June 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Obliterates. His douchiness and assholery subsumes any other "humorous" conservatives.

MumbletyRadio June 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I'll see you a "black hole" and raise you a near-spoonerism of it: "Koch-blow."

Ryy June 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Love Larry Miller!

Ryy June 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Tired of Steve Miller. Meh Dennis Miller. Need a Miller Lite.

AnAmericanInTO June 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Larry Miller needs to shut his yap about Israel/Palestine but his "Five Stages of Drinking" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piPyfqAKf6o&feature=related) and his bit on Aging are stone cold classics.

Barb June 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

He seems a little more Carol Wayne than Bruce Wayne.

rocktonsam June 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

mmmmmmmmmmmmm Carol Wayne

she died tragically also.

not that Radio June 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I've never heard of Steven Crowder — did he complain about being excluded from a poop joke blog? Anyway, Debbie Schlussel thinks he's a moron, and that's good enough for me, and that's the first time I've ever typed the phrase "Debbie Schlussel thinks", and hopefully the last. Don't make me do that again, Steven Crowder, whoever you are.

bumfug June 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

The reason you don't hear about many conservative comedians is that conservatism is dumb and/or dishonest and both of those things ruin comedy.

bikerlaureate June 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I made it through 47 seconds of video and didn't foresee any amusement.

Could be a bit oversensitive, though, since my home state has the only city known to mankind with crumbling buildings in it.

freakishlywrong June 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Empathy is required for humor.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 23, 2012 at 5:22 pm

You are so freakishly fucking right.

Nice nice very nice.

Butch_Wagstaff June 23, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Also, to paraphrase Dorothy Parker, a critical eye & a wild imagination.
And, if you're a comedy performer, you have to have a talent for performance.

scvirginia June 23, 2012 at 2:52 pm

The nice thing about these so-called conservatives is all the unintentional hilarity. Too often ruined by the all-too-intentional hating.

Callyson June 23, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I did not think anyone could make Ah – nahld look like a good actor. I stand corrected.

Callyson June 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Christ, I am so sick of that "47% of American pay nothing at all" crap. First of all, they pay plenty in payroll, sales, gas taxes and the like: secondly, the reason they don't pay *income* taxes is because they don't make enough income to tax. You try raising a family on less than $30K, Crowder, and then come back and complain about how people who make that little do not pay *one* form of tax…


freakishlywrong June 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The "he had two years of a super majority" makes me stabby as well.

LetUsBray June 23, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Yes, although it mostly makes me stabby of the Bart Stupaks and Ben Nelsons and Joe Fucking Liebermans etc, etc., etc.

BerkeleyBear June 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Don't forget Ted Kennedy's brain tumor, the bullshit recount procedures in Minnesota that delayed Al Franken's arrival, and the declining health of Byrd among your stabby anger targets (although Ben Nelson, Chris Dodd, Joe Lieberman, Evan Bayh, Blanche Lincoln, Mary whatshername from Louisiana, John Tester, Ron Wyden, and Claire McCaskill all had one or more less than courageous moments in that time period that watered down or killed legislation).

LetUsBray June 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Sure, but those first three things were all outside the Democratic Party's control, as opposed to members of the Caucus eagerly shitting on any opportunity to accomplish good results.

BlueStateLibel June 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm

One way the 1% could make the 47% pay more taxes is to make the corporations they own pay their employees more, stop shipping jobs overseas, and create more jobs. Problem solved.

scvirginia June 23, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Logic just makes their heads hurt when they can't evade it. That could be a win for Big Pharma, but prolly not the 47%.

redarmybarbie June 23, 2012 at 5:18 pm

But you see, for him to be able to do that would require him to have DECENCY first! Callyson, i thought you knew better!

Schmannnity June 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm

You can't blame leftist mayors for ruining Detroit when clearly the communist president and his communist auto bailout and his communist saving of "Government Motors," as real patriots refer to it, retroactively ruined Detroit. Also, the Pistons.

Callyson June 23, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Oh, and I love how, in the Detroit video, this guy tries to debunk the assertion that the auto industry declined due to not offering fuel efficient cars by pointing to those that were on the market in 2009 (late 2008 if you want to be specific.) Yeah, when did gas prices first become an issue? Oh, right, in the late 1970's, when Detroit's decline began, and then again in the early to mid 2000's, when Detroit's decline accelerated…

ETA: oh, and why are they not selling at a higher % of total auto sales? Gee, maybe the fact that auto sales have declined since 2008 due to the recession has something to do with it? Perhaps those who can afford to buy a new car are those who are less concerned about gas prices, so they are buying the gas guzzlers?


MumbletyRadio June 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

re: these propagandist shorts: Give a conservative a tool and he'll preach for a day. Enable said conserva-tool to preach and he'll cheat his own words of valid meaning for a lifetime.

And this weasel appears fairly young yet so I'm obliging myself to feel a little bad for the stretch of ignominious bullshit ready to decorate the years ahead of Crowder['s extended family, self-respecting household pets, better angels].

imissopus June 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I can't bring myself to watch either of those two videos. It is too nice a day outside and I just am not in the mood to rage at a douche bag whom even Debbie Schlussel thinks is a lying moron. Trying to imagine the level of douche-baggery necessary for that to occur is like trying to contemplate the size of the universe: it is so vast and infinite that the mind simply recoils.

MumbletyRadio June 23, 2012 at 3:29 pm

It is too nice a day outside.

Nice as in, like it's always Saturday?

not that Radio June 23, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Yes. Even when every day is like Sunday.

MumbletyRadio June 23, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Brother. In the 80s apparently you had to fight the feeling everyone really did "live in for a shopping mall."

RadioSlut June 23, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Callyson June 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm

OK, I made it to 5:42 on the Detroit video, but the claim that "Concessions are never part of the UAW's vocabulary" is such a pants on fire lie that I'm out…


Negropolis June 24, 2012 at 12:42 am

I can't even tell you how many Dems seem to think this. If only people knew exactly how much the workers gave up even before the recession, and I'm talking on health care, pensions, wages, the whole nine.

The other big distortion is the praise for Ford because "they didn't ask for a bailout." The only reason that Ford didn't need a direct bailout is that they'd borrowed up the wazoo from the private sector a few years before the recession hit. Sure, a smart business move, but Ford isn't out what they make it to be, and they seem to forget Ford argued for the GM and Chrysler loans (hell, even Toyota and the rest did) knowing that if either of them went under, it pull the entire supply chain down, which would have at the very least crippled Ford and probably even eventually pulled it under, too.

gullywompr June 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm

What do you mean "men aren't funny"? You ladies should try lighting a fart some time, it's hilarious.

BerkeleyBear June 23, 2012 at 5:26 pm

especially if you do it in the middle of an atomic sit up, turning your ass into a flamethrower in some sap's face. Freaking awesome!

Butch_Wagstaff June 23, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Ya just gotta remember not to get the lighter too close to the hair on your ass.
Um, not that I know that from experience or anything…

Chichikovovich June 23, 2012 at 7:48 pm

And still, some women just won't get it. Like when Gloria Steinem said "A woman without a creature that sets its own farts aflame for amusement is like a fish without a bicycle."

Uptight bra-burner.

SheriffRoscoe June 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Batman sounds out of breath. Maybe he needs to use the stairs more instead of the bat pole.

Dudleydidwrong June 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I'll bet his bat pole is pretty short.

LetUsBray June 23, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Wait, are neander-brows considered hot?

Pragmatist2 June 23, 2012 at 3:28 pm

"Conservative comedian"???? "Conservative clown" I understand, but "conservative comedian" makes no sense.

freakishlywrong June 23, 2012 at 3:38 pm

It's an oxy-moran.

glamourdammerung June 24, 2012 at 2:31 am

Republicans are not comedians for the same reason rabid animals are not generally considered amusing.

Guppy June 23, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Dorkly did a better Batman riff.

Mittens Howell, III June 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Conservatives are only funny when they're being serious.

An_Outhouse June 23, 2012 at 5:34 pm

and their bikes get stolen.

Antispandex June 23, 2012 at 3:59 pm

" Well, leftists obviously. But in the two minutes we could standing watching it, at least he didn’t blame it on black people…."

Oh, sure, try to pretend they aren't the same thing. Marcus Garvey? Commie. Malcom X? Commie. MLK? Commie. Black people turned me commie too. I didn't want to, it was just from living close to them…and the Messicans.

BarackMyWorld June 23, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I can't be the only one who thinks Catwoman is making a 99% speech in that Dark Knight Rises trailer. #OccupyGotham

fuflans June 23, 2012 at 8:04 pm

i remember thinking when the trailer first aired (right when ows was front page news if memory serves) either nolan is a terribly lucky man or he is a far more politically prescient brit working in hollywood than hollywood deserves.

(this is in no way to cast aspersions on our own lizzie).

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 23, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I looked at that Debbie Schlussel page (her picture kind of looks like Britney Spears now) and she's hating on Fox like crazy. They must have told her she was too stupid to be on Fox and to be fair, she is. Maybe she refused to get implants. Whatever, those wingnuts are vicious when they turn on you.

Negropolis June 24, 2012 at 12:50 am

The only thing Debbie would hate about Fox is that she probably sees them as too kind to Muslims.

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 24, 2012 at 2:44 am

That's a good theory and I choose to believe that it is true. She's no Pam Gellar but she's a pretty disturbing read.

Blueb4sunrise June 23, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I figure posting a snippet of Janeane G. would annoy Mr. Crowder. Here she tells an anecdote making fun of herself.

starfanglednut June 23, 2012 at 4:55 pm

He is not teh hawt, and not teh funny. Neither does he have any brains.

Butch_Wagstaff June 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I'm not watching any of Crowder's videos and no one can make me.
I'll just take other Wonkers' words about his lack of talent or brains.
IMO, Crowder's not hot. My future husband Jamie Kilstein is more of my type, anyhoo.

RadioSlut June 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Step Eight??!? Hell, I've relapsed on the Wonkette and plan to pick up a white chip on Monday. They say you can't recover until you've relapsed.
And watching that video was definitely a negative consequence…. kinda like drinking mouthwash.

Barb June 24, 2012 at 1:21 am

Hello, my favorite bitch!
So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms
I wrote that myself.

RadioSlut June 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Very sweet. For some reason I think of this awesome movie scene.

radio-of-owls June 24, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Careful, amigo. That comes perilously close to violating the Trading with the Enemy Act.

stncmchnc June 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Bow to your Sensei!

Baba_NinjaCat12 June 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Holy Frijoles, Batman got defeated and eaten by POORZZ!!!!

Joshua Norton June 23, 2012 at 5:25 pm

From his on-line bio:

"Steven delivered a stand-out performance in the nationally successful Christian film, “To Save a Life.” Impressed with his ability, Fox News invited Steven into the family as a full-time contributor"

I've discovered that anytime a movie or pop music is labeled "Christian" you can safely substitute the word "crappy" and not change the meaning one iota.

Also, "nationally successful Christian film" usually means "dust-covered POS at the very bottom of the bargain bin at Blockbuster".

Butch_Wagstaff June 23, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Or at Wal-Mart for just $9.96!

Chichikovovich June 23, 2012 at 8:00 pm

"nationally successful Christian film" = "shown on the walls of larger church basements and barns throughout the country"

I think "crappy" loses a bit of meaning in the substitution, though. A movie can be crappy overall, but have some strengths – an intelligent script marred by awful acting and direction, a hopeless muddle of a story featuring one or two astonishing performances or impressive visuals, etc. But "Christian" movies can be counted on to be below minimal professional standards in everything: acting, script, direction, cinematography, music*, editing, sound editing, special effects and foley editing, second unit direction, continuity, set location and design, costuming, animal training and wrangling, and opening/closing credit design. Every last one of them is appalling.

*(Unless it features gospel music or the classic hymns.)

glamourdammerung June 24, 2012 at 2:27 am

Also, "nationally successful Christian film" usually means "dust-covered POS at the very bottom of the bargain bin at Blockbuster".

That is not fair. After all, most of those films did better than "Atlas Shrugged: Part One".

Also, I seem to recall there was some sort of explicit rule in Christianity about how one is not supposed to be telling lies? Though I would add there is an implied one about running around like a rabid animal spewing hatred at people in order to make money off the scumbag geezer community.

lisawines June 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I don't know how Rebecca made it through more than 30 seconds of either video. I'm happy she is doing it so I don't have to.

not that Radio June 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Don't all Wonkette editors have a common genetic mutation that allows videos like this to bypass the brain centers that would normally cause the rest of us to jump off a roof, angel-dust-style?

lisawines June 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I think that must be why I'm still in training.

CapnRadio June 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Oh, you went there. I'm Mad about you, baby.

not that Radio June 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Yes — that's exactly the mood I was going for. I'm glad we're all sane.

And it's funny that when they finally tackled her, they pushed her back down into the pile of glass shards. That's usually what I want to do to Helen Hunt.

flamingpdog June 23, 2012 at 7:32 pm

This movie was so bad that the car didn't even assplode when it went over the cliff and landed at the bottom.

not that Radio June 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

But when she realized that she was going over the cliff — WEEEEEEEEE!

Priceless. You can't script that kind of genius.

rickmaci June 23, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Let me sum this guy up for you in three words.

What an asshole!

mrblifil June 23, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I will not be watching either of those videos. Thanks for posting them though!

fuflans June 23, 2012 at 8:05 pm

no. that stupid batman voice annoys me when christian bale does it.

no way i'm listening to pretty boy wingtard.

ElPinche June 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Oh God …it's youtube's unfunniest cringeworthy fucking fuck Crowder or whatever. I hate that guy. Why wonkette. WHY?

rocktonsam June 23, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I thought the Lions shitty defense killed Detroit.

Stand corrected sir.

Barrelhse June 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Funny as a rubber crutch, Steve.

Negropolis June 24, 2012 at 12:31 am

That. Was. Horrible. Unusually so. So man lies; so many distortions.

Someone want to ask "Batman" what percentage Romney paid in taxes?

BTW, I'm not going to watch the one about Detroit. I just can't do it. When you live in Michigan, you've already heard every conspiracy theory and lie about the city.

Negropolis June 24, 2012 at 12:53 am

Christian Bale is not amused. Mostly, though, because he's never amused.

glamourdammerung June 24, 2012 at 2:26 am

Is this the same moron that greenscreens the bookcases of Reader's Digest abridged books behind him to make him "look smart"?

Barb June 24, 2012 at 2:36 am

Yeah, now that it is TOO late, I come up with a response to Bristol's new show, "veni, vidi, vomit"

I had the ballz to tweet it to Sarah Palin, bonus!

One of Sarah's minions, CoolChange80 tweeted that Sarah is "one of the most accomplished women in history"
Helen Keller
Harriet Tubman
Hillary Clinton
Alice Paul
Elanor Rooselvelt
Emma Goldman
Shirley Chisholm
Gloria Steinem
Helen Keller
Ida B. Wells
Sandra Day O'Connor
Harriet Tubman
Miss Rosa Parks

Indira Gandhi, Louisa May Alcott, Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Marie Curie, Susan B. Anthony, Ella Fitzgerald, Pearl S. Buck, Audrey Hepburn, Frida Kahlo, Oprah Winfrey, et al. Slacker bitches!

Chichikovovich June 24, 2012 at 10:53 am

Um, nice try Barb, but did any of those women sleep with a 6'8" rippling-muscled future NBA star? I don't think so!

Barb June 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Well, Helen Keller THOUGHT that she did. Shhh, don't tell her.

Chichikovovich June 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

“Is that really what 9 inches feels like? How disappointing!”—

HistoriCat June 24, 2012 at 11:07 pm

You don't know anything about Sandra Day O'Connor at all – do you?

swell65 June 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Well, none of those people completed a term as Alaska governor either.

redarmybarbie June 25, 2012 at 2:23 am

Don't forget Royal Consort Nefertiti, Nefertari, Queen Hatshepsut, Elizabeth the 1st, Empress Elizaveta Petrovna, Catherine the Great, Madame de Pompadour, Jeanne d'Arc, and Oichi-no-kata!

mavenmaven June 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

"leftists always believe in helping their fellow man". The cure for Detroit, of course, was to run the factories Republican style, as sweatshops, with child labor, etc. And, he argues, they should only sell gas guzzling trucks, not those liberal hybrids (he really does argue this!) This passes for GOP humor AND logic all in one unwatchable video!

ttommyunger June 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Ever notice that whatever passes for Conservative Humor must be demeaning, hurtful or cruel to some person or sub-set of people?

Clankie June 24, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Meh, I'd hit it.
But only if he was handcuffed to a radiator.

TribecaMike June 24, 2012 at 11:14 pm

If an erection lasts longer than four hours, read all of Thomas Mann's collected works and commit suicide.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 25, 2012 at 8:59 am

Clearly, Detroit would look just like Greenwich CT, if only they'd had Republican mayors.

I still can't figure out if this asshole is actually this stupid, or just playing stupid so his imbecile audience doesn't catch on to the game (as if they could, or would want to.)

Allmighty_Manos June 25, 2012 at 9:15 am

"What killed Detroit? Well, leftists obviously"

That, or outsourcing, residential segregation, the 81-82 recession. But sure, it's the liberals' fault. Tell me that Mississippi isn't our greatest state.

not that Radio June 23, 2012 at 6:09 pm
MumbletyRadio June 23, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Radio: Dewey & I had at some point noted our shared appreciation of The Smiths & similar.
re: 80s style pouty girls as featured in his linked vid: could've knocked me over with the pleather.

/puns conjured while idling in line at the supermarket

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