Your Wonkette did something terrible this week, and it is time to get our Step Eight on, and make amends. In our post about the seven hottest conservative men to have judged the 20 hottest conservative women, we left out Steven Crowder. We did this because after googling him, we figured the picture that came up could not possibly have been of the conservative comedian, because he was young and handsomeish and not a sad monstrous goon!

So here, to make up for it, is a post just on Steven Crowder! Hiiii Steven! Hiiiii!

The first thing you will notice about Steven Crowder is he makes funny videos. This is because conservative people are the most hilarious people in the world*. Up top you will find a video about Batman talking about how much he pays in taxes. It is your typical boiler plate about how the top 1 percent pay so many taxes, and the bottom 50 percent pay 3 percent of the taxes. That is so sad and unfair, especially since the richest 400 people in the US earn more than the bottom 160 million of us. The Batman video also includes a really quick shot of a list of the biggest political donors, and UNION THUGS are on it (well, “rounding it out,” or “on the bottom”). How dare 5.5 million people banding together have as much political “speech” as Goldman Sachs? What is this, Communist Russia?

Anyway, we are done with this Batman video, because listening to him talk is making our earholes hurt. And for a video from a “comedian” it does not have so many “jokes.”

Here is one about Detroit, and Crowder “go[ing] ghetto.” What killed Detroit? Well, leftists obviously. But in the two minutes we could standing watching it, at least he didn’t blame it on black people, so that is something, we guess! Hooray for racial transcendence! (Debbie Schlussel herself apparently watched the whole thing, and simply did not care for it.)

There are lots more videos of Steven Crowder talking about guns and leftists and #Occupy and stuff, but that is pretty much all of our Saturday we are willing to give.

We are sorry we left you out of our Hottest Conservative Men to Judge the 20 Hottest Conservative Women list, Steven Crowder. Please consider this our sincere apology, and good luck on all your future Fox contributor endeavors!

*When people talk about how conservatives aren’t funny, they are invariably forgetting Larry Miller, who is fucking HILARIOUS. Remember Larry Miller in Best of Show? Maybe you should rent it again. No one should ever forget Larry Miller, you guys.

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  • nounverb911

    Is Crowder dating Lindsey Graham too, also?

    • TribecaMike

      Lindsay Lohan's hash dealer by the looks of it.

  • nounverb911

    Ann Romney keeps Polar Bears on the roof of her Cadillac?

  • Barb

    I watched the video and someone needs to get Stevie a lozenge .

  • freakishlywrong

    Dennis Miller totally fucking black-holes Larry Miller. Yes. In a gay way too, also.

    • commiegirl99

      What is "black holes"?

      • Barb

        Black holes is what Kanye fantasizes about when he is banging Kim Kardashian. Everyone knows that theirs is just a "showmance."

      • freakishlywrong

        Obliterates. His douchiness and assholery subsumes any other "humorous" conservatives.

        • I'll see you a "black hole" and raise you a near-spoonerism of it: "Koch-blow."

  • Ryy

    Love Larry Miller!

  • Barb

    He seems a little more Carol Wayne than Bruce Wayne.

    • rocktonsam

      mmmmmmmmmmmmm Carol Wayne

      she died tragically also.

  • not that Radio

    I've never heard of Steven Crowder — did he complain about being excluded from a poop joke blog? Anyway, Debbie Schlussel thinks he's a moron, and that's good enough for me, and that's the first time I've ever typed the phrase "Debbie Schlussel thinks", and hopefully the last. Don't make me do that again, Steven Crowder, whoever you are.

  • bumfug

    The reason you don't hear about many conservative comedians is that conservatism is dumb and/or dishonest and both of those things ruin comedy.

  • bikerlaureate

    I made it through 47 seconds of video and didn't foresee any amusement.

    Could be a bit oversensitive, though, since my home state has the only city known to mankind with crumbling buildings in it.

  • freakishlywrong

    Empathy is required for humor.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      You are so freakishly fucking right.

      Nice nice very nice.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Also, to paraphrase Dorothy Parker, a critical eye & a wild imagination.
      And, if you're a comedy performer, you have to have a talent for performance.

  • scvirginia

    The nice thing about these so-called conservatives is all the unintentional hilarity. Too often ruined by the all-too-intentional hating.

  • Callyson

    I did not think anyone could make Ah – nahld look like a good actor. I stand corrected.

  • Callyson

    Christ, I am so sick of that "47% of American pay nothing at all" crap. First of all, they pay plenty in payroll, sales, gas taxes and the like: secondly, the reason they don't pay *income* taxes is because they don't make enough income to tax. You try raising a family on less than $30K, Crowder, and then come back and complain about how people who make that little do not pay *one* form of tax…


    • freakishlywrong

      The "he had two years of a super majority" makes me stabby as well.

      • LetUsBray

        Yes, although it mostly makes me stabby of the Bart Stupaks and Ben Nelsons and Joe Fucking Liebermans etc, etc., etc.

        • BerkeleyBear

          Don't forget Ted Kennedy's brain tumor, the bullshit recount procedures in Minnesota that delayed Al Franken's arrival, and the declining health of Byrd among your stabby anger targets (although Ben Nelson, Chris Dodd, Joe Lieberman, Evan Bayh, Blanche Lincoln, Mary whatshername from Louisiana, John Tester, Ron Wyden, and Claire McCaskill all had one or more less than courageous moments in that time period that watered down or killed legislation).

          • LetUsBray

            Sure, but those first three things were all outside the Democratic Party's control, as opposed to members of the Caucus eagerly shitting on any opportunity to accomplish good results.

    • BlueStateLibel

      One way the 1% could make the 47% pay more taxes is to make the corporations they own pay their employees more, stop shipping jobs overseas, and create more jobs. Problem solved.

      • scvirginia

        Logic just makes their heads hurt when they can't evade it. That could be a win for Big Pharma, but prolly not the 47%.

    • redarmybarbie

      But you see, for him to be able to do that would require him to have DECENCY first! Callyson, i thought you knew better!

  • Schmannnity

    You can't blame leftist mayors for ruining Detroit when clearly the communist president and his communist auto bailout and his communist saving of "Government Motors," as real patriots refer to it, retroactively ruined Detroit. Also, the Pistons.

  • Callyson

    Oh, and I love how, in the Detroit video, this guy tries to debunk the assertion that the auto industry declined due to not offering fuel efficient cars by pointing to those that were on the market in 2009 (late 2008 if you want to be specific.) Yeah, when did gas prices first become an issue? Oh, right, in the late 1970's, when Detroit's decline began, and then again in the early to mid 2000's, when Detroit's decline accelerated…

    ETA: oh, and why are they not selling at a higher % of total auto sales? Gee, maybe the fact that auto sales have declined since 2008 due to the recession has something to do with it? Perhaps those who can afford to buy a new car are those who are less concerned about gas prices, so they are buying the gas guzzlers?


  • re: these propagandist shorts: Give a conservative a tool and he'll preach for a day. Enable said conserva-tool to preach and he'll cheat his own words of valid meaning for a lifetime.

    And this weasel appears fairly young yet so I'm obliging myself to feel a little bad for the stretch of ignominious bullshit ready to decorate the years ahead of Crowder['s extended family, self-respecting household pets, better angels].

  • I can't bring myself to watch either of those two videos. It is too nice a day outside and I just am not in the mood to rage at a douche bag whom even Debbie Schlussel thinks is a lying moron. Trying to imagine the level of douche-baggery necessary for that to occur is like trying to contemplate the size of the universe: it is so vast and infinite that the mind simply recoils.

  • Callyson

    OK, I made it to 5:42 on the Detroit video, but the claim that "Concessions are never part of the UAW's vocabulary" is such a pants on fire lie that I'm out…


    • Negropolis

      I can't even tell you how many Dems seem to think this. If only people knew exactly how much the workers gave up even before the recession, and I'm talking on health care, pensions, wages, the whole nine.

      The other big distortion is the praise for Ford because "they didn't ask for a bailout." The only reason that Ford didn't need a direct bailout is that they'd borrowed up the wazoo from the private sector a few years before the recession hit. Sure, a smart business move, but Ford isn't out what they make it to be, and they seem to forget Ford argued for the GM and Chrysler loans (hell, even Toyota and the rest did) knowing that if either of them went under, it pull the entire supply chain down, which would have at the very least crippled Ford and probably even eventually pulled it under, too.

  • gullywompr

    What do you mean "men aren't funny"? You ladies should try lighting a fart some time, it's hilarious.

    • BerkeleyBear

      especially if you do it in the middle of an atomic sit up, turning your ass into a flamethrower in some sap's face. Freaking awesome!

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Ya just gotta remember not to get the lighter too close to the hair on your ass.
      Um, not that I know that from experience or anything…

    • Chichikovovich

      And still, some women just won't get it. Like when Gloria Steinem said "A woman without a creature that sets its own farts aflame for amusement is like a fish without a bicycle."

      Uptight bra-burner.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Batman sounds out of breath. Maybe he needs to use the stairs more instead of the bat pole.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'll bet his bat pole is pretty short.

  • LetUsBray

    Wait, are neander-brows considered hot?

  • Pragmatist2

    "Conservative comedian"???? "Conservative clown" I understand, but "conservative comedian" makes no sense.

    • freakishlywrong

      It's an oxy-moran.

    • glamourdammerung

      Republicans are not comedians for the same reason rabid animals are not generally considered amusing.

  • Guppy

    Dorkly did a better Batman riff.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Conservatives are only funny when they're being serious.

    • An_Outhouse

      and their bikes get stolen.

  • Antispandex

    " Well, leftists obviously. But in the two minutes we could standing watching it, at least he didn’t blame it on black people…."

    Oh, sure, try to pretend they aren't the same thing. Marcus Garvey? Commie. Malcom X? Commie. MLK? Commie. Black people turned me commie too. I didn't want to, it was just from living close to them…and the Messicans.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I can't be the only one who thinks Catwoman is making a 99% speech in that Dark Knight Rises trailer. #OccupyGotham

    • i remember thinking when the trailer first aired (right when ows was front page news if memory serves) either nolan is a terribly lucky man or he is a far more politically prescient brit working in hollywood than hollywood deserves.

      (this is in no way to cast aspersions on our own lizzie).

  • I looked at that Debbie Schlussel page (her picture kind of looks like Britney Spears now) and she's hating on Fox like crazy. They must have told her she was too stupid to be on Fox and to be fair, she is. Maybe she refused to get implants. Whatever, those wingnuts are vicious when they turn on you.

    • Negropolis

      The only thing Debbie would hate about Fox is that she probably sees them as too kind to Muslims.

      • That's a good theory and I choose to believe that it is true. She's no Pam Gellar but she's a pretty disturbing read.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I figure posting a snippet of Janeane G. would annoy Mr. Crowder. Here she tells an anecdote making fun of herself.

  • He is not teh hawt, and not teh funny. Neither does he have any brains.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I'm not watching any of Crowder's videos and no one can make me.
      I'll just take other Wonkers' words about his lack of talent or brains.
      IMO, Crowder's not hot. My future husband Jamie Kilstein is more of my type, anyhoo.

  • RadioSlut

    Step Eight??!? Hell, I've relapsed on the Wonkette and plan to pick up a white chip on Monday. They say you can't recover until you've relapsed.
    And watching that video was definitely a negative consequence…. kinda like drinking mouthwash.

    • Barb

      Hello, my favorite bitch!
      So now I come to you, with open arms
      Nothing to hide, believe what I say
      So here I am with open arms
      Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
      Open arms
      I wrote that myself.

      • RadioSlut

        Very sweet. For some reason I think of this awesome movie scene.

  • stncmchnc

    Bow to your Sensei!

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Holy Frijoles, Batman got defeated and eaten by POORZZ!!!!

  • From his on-line bio:

    "Steven delivered a stand-out performance in the nationally successful Christian film, “To Save a Life.” Impressed with his ability, Fox News invited Steven into the family as a full-time contributor"

    I've discovered that anytime a movie or pop music is labeled "Christian" you can safely substitute the word "crappy" and not change the meaning one iota.

    Also, "nationally successful Christian film" usually means "dust-covered POS at the very bottom of the bargain bin at Blockbuster".

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Or at Wal-Mart for just $9.96!

    • Chichikovovich

      "nationally successful Christian film" = "shown on the walls of larger church basements and barns throughout the country"

      I think "crappy" loses a bit of meaning in the substitution, though. A movie can be crappy overall, but have some strengths – an intelligent script marred by awful acting and direction, a hopeless muddle of a story featuring one or two astonishing performances or impressive visuals, etc. But "Christian" movies can be counted on to be below minimal professional standards in everything: acting, script, direction, cinematography, music*, editing, sound editing, special effects and foley editing, second unit direction, continuity, set location and design, costuming, animal training and wrangling, and opening/closing credit design. Every last one of them is appalling.

      *(Unless it features gospel music or the classic hymns.)

    • glamourdammerung

      Also, "nationally successful Christian film" usually means "dust-covered POS at the very bottom of the bargain bin at Blockbuster".

      That is not fair. After all, most of those films did better than "Atlas Shrugged: Part One".

      Also, I seem to recall there was some sort of explicit rule in Christianity about how one is not supposed to be telling lies? Though I would add there is an implied one about running around like a rabid animal spewing hatred at people in order to make money off the scumbag geezer community.

  • I don't know how Rebecca made it through more than 30 seconds of either video. I'm happy she is doing it so I don't have to.

    • not that Radio

      Don't all Wonkette editors have a common genetic mutation that allows videos like this to bypass the brain centers that would normally cause the rest of us to jump off a roof, angel-dust-style?

      • I think that must be why I'm still in training.

      • CapnRadio

        Oh, you went there. I'm Mad about you, baby.

        • not that Radio

          Yes — that's exactly the mood I was going for. I'm glad we're all sane.

          And it's funny that when they finally tackled her, they pushed her back down into the pile of glass shards. That's usually what I want to do to Helen Hunt.

        • flamingpdog

          This movie was so bad that the car didn't even assplode when it went over the cliff and landed at the bottom.

          • not that Radio

            But when she realized that she was going over the cliff — WEEEEEEEEE!

            Priceless. You can't script that kind of genius.

  • rickmaci

    Let me sum this guy up for you in three words.

    What an asshole!

  • I will not be watching either of those videos. Thanks for posting them though!

  • no. that stupid batman voice annoys me when christian bale does it.

    no way i'm listening to pretty boy wingtard.

  • ElPinche

    Oh God …it's youtube's unfunniest cringeworthy fucking fuck Crowder or whatever. I hate that guy. Why wonkette. WHY?

  • rocktonsam

    I thought the Lions shitty defense killed Detroit.

    Stand corrected sir.

  • Barrelhse

    Funny as a rubber crutch, Steve.

  • Negropolis

    That. Was. Horrible. Unusually so. So man lies; so many distortions.

    Someone want to ask "Batman" what percentage Romney paid in taxes?

    BTW, I'm not going to watch the one about Detroit. I just can't do it. When you live in Michigan, you've already heard every conspiracy theory and lie about the city.

  • Negropolis

    Christian Bale is not amused. Mostly, though, because he's never amused.

  • glamourdammerung

    Is this the same moron that greenscreens the bookcases of Reader's Digest abridged books behind him to make him "look smart"?

  • Barb

    Yeah, now that it is TOO late, I come up with a response to Bristol's new show, "veni, vidi, vomit"

    I had the ballz to tweet it to Sarah Palin, bonus!

    One of Sarah's minions, CoolChange80 tweeted that Sarah is "one of the most accomplished women in history"
    Helen Keller
    Harriet Tubman
    Hillary Clinton
    Alice Paul
    Elanor Rooselvelt
    Emma Goldman
    Shirley Chisholm
    Gloria Steinem
    Helen Keller
    Ida B. Wells
    Sandra Day O'Connor
    Harriet Tubman
    Miss Rosa Parks

    Indira Gandhi, Louisa May Alcott, Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Marie Curie, Susan B. Anthony, Ella Fitzgerald, Pearl S. Buck, Audrey Hepburn, Frida Kahlo, Oprah Winfrey, et al. Slacker bitches!

    • Chichikovovich

      Um, nice try Barb, but did any of those women sleep with a 6'8" rippling-muscled future NBA star? I don't think so!

      • Barb

        Well, Helen Keller THOUGHT that she did. Shhh, don't tell her.

        • Chichikovovich

          “Is that really what 9 inches feels like? How disappointing!”—

      • HistoriCat

        You don't know anything about Sandra Day O'Connor at all – do you?

    • swell65

      Well, none of those people completed a term as Alaska governor either.

    • redarmybarbie

      Don't forget Royal Consort Nefertiti, Nefertari, Queen Hatshepsut, Elizabeth the 1st, Empress Elizaveta Petrovna, Catherine the Great, Madame de Pompadour, Jeanne d'Arc, and Oichi-no-kata!

  • mavenmaven

    "leftists always believe in helping their fellow man". The cure for Detroit, of course, was to run the factories Republican style, as sweatshops, with child labor, etc. And, he argues, they should only sell gas guzzling trucks, not those liberal hybrids (he really does argue this!) This passes for GOP humor AND logic all in one unwatchable video!

  • ttommyunger

    Ever notice that whatever passes for Conservative Humor must be demeaning, hurtful or cruel to some person or sub-set of people?

  • Meh, I'd hit it.
    But only if he was handcuffed to a radiator.

  • TribecaMike

    If an erection lasts longer than four hours, read all of Thomas Mann's collected works and commit suicide.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Clearly, Detroit would look just like Greenwich CT, if only they'd had Republican mayors.

    I still can't figure out if this asshole is actually this stupid, or just playing stupid so his imbecile audience doesn't catch on to the game (as if they could, or would want to.)

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "What killed Detroit? Well, leftists obviously"

    That, or outsourcing, residential segregation, the 81-82 recession. But sure, it's the liberals' fault. Tell me that Mississippi isn't our greatest state.

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