Allen West, in his pajamasYou guys, we gotta help Allen West. You remember him — he’s the congressman who spends his time attacking MSNBC’s patriotism and celebrating D-Day while remaining completely silent on actual issues like military rape legislation. He’s got no problem saying we should just be chaining Muslims to the side of rockets because their religion doesn’t count and who cares if Muslims aren’t actually trying to kidnap him. He haaaates Islam. Hates it like chameleons hate paisley. But he was in the Army so it’s not a bad thing, in fact it’s an awesome thing, and we should all be very thankful that he tortured an Iraqi policeman.

Earlier this week, this Great American Hero was attacked. He was the subject of a vicious, unforgivable, horrifying racial statement, and Allen West gets very agitated when someone makes a sweeping generalization about a group of people Allen West belongs to.

And, to add painful insult to crippling injury, this sweeping generalization came from the most vile of Obama campaign staff members: Bill Fucking Maher.

Wait, what’s that? Bill Maher isn’t associated with Obama’s campaign? He’s just some guy who sneers at stupid people on television? Well, he contributed money to Obama’s campaign, so that pretty much makes them the same person. No one shitty has ever donated to a Republican.

This offense could not be overlooked. It’s terrible, and people need to know — so West sent out an email this week to supporters (addressed as “Dear Patriot”) that says “Obama’s million-dollar Super PAC donor and ‘comedian’ Bill Maher leveled racial smears against Allen West.”

Whoa. That sounds pretty bad. So what did Maher say, that left-wing loon, that bigot, that insidious fascist socialism-humper and reader of Engels and Marx? Well, he wrote a blog post earlier this week. He titled it “The Right Shift,” and in it he complains about how Congress can’t do anything because the Republicans won’t compromise:

The idea that the blame for our government’s dysfunction is equally shared by the parties just is a giant, steaming mound of horseshit and anyone who has paid attention to politics over the last 20 years knows it. Or as I like to call it, “The Rise of the Party of the Apes.”

Did you see it? Did you catch the racism? Well it’s there, dammit, look harder — this is important.

Maybe a little context will help. If you look farther down in Maher’s post — six paragraphs down, to be exact, past mentions of white dudes Thomas Mann, Norman Ornstein, David Beckham, Barney Frank, Dick Lugar, and Richard Mourdock — Maher cites West as an example of how Republicans have whole-heartedly embraced the Church of Lunacy and are taking daily trips to sacrifice women and poor people at the frenzied altar of Individual Freedom:

Or take Allen West. Seriously, take him to the padded cell and give him 20 CCs of the high test. Ornstein and Mann start off their Post op-ed by noting that recently Rep. Allen West said that there are “78 to 81” Democrats in Congress who are members of the Communist Party. And not one Republican said, “Allen, come on. You’re making us look dumb.”

Ah-HA! THERE IT IS. THERE’S THE RACISM. Maher said “apes” and “Allen West” in the same loose collection of words, and that means Democrats hate black people, and poor, fragile Allen West, wounded from his years of noble attacks on entire religions, is really busted up. How could Maher do something like this? And how can we ever fix it?

Don’t worry. Allen West knows how we can fix it: Give him money.

West posted a plea on Facebook asking his followers to “Fight back against top Obama SuperPAC donor Bill Maher’s racial attacks.” He followed it, rather astutely, with “Donate here.”

He also cooked up a graphic to go along with the request for campaign funds. It’s captioned, “OBAMA SUPERPAC DONOR BILL MAHER SAYS ALLEN WEST LEADS PARTY OF THE APES.”

No, you didn’t miss anything — Maher never said West was “leading” the party. But we’re getting outraged here, and if Allen West wants to be mad about the “Party of the Apes” but also take credit for leading it, then that’s his business. Don’t be so RACIST. Gosh.

It would also be racist to expect West to actually respond to the criticisms in Maher’s post, and it would be even racister to point out that when Democrats have alleged critics of racism, West has called it “that very nefarious theme of the race card” and “absolutely reprehensible.” He’s also said it’s “absolutely the last card in the deck, and that shows how weak their ground is.”

He also once called Eric Holder’s racism claims “a slap in my face as a professional African American member of Congress.” That’s right — West shot down the race card, with the race card. Let’s not even get into that time he said Democrats were “nothing more than overseers of this 21st-century plantation” and declared himself “a modern-day Harriet Tubman.”

Are you starting to think that maybe this is all just kind of a disingenuous attempt to raise money? Well SHAME on you. And SHAME on the media, which was preemptively blamed by Outraged Zombie Breitbart for hypothetically not covering this case of fictional racism as a case of actual racism:

Rest assured, the media still won’t cover Maher’s indefensible attack, even after one of the most well-known Congressmen in the country calls attention to it… Like much of the media that protects him, Maher is rich, white, privileged, and powerful and therefore can say anything he pleases about a black man. You know, as long as it’s one of “those” black men — the kind that doesn’t behave the way the rich, white, powerful and privileged think he should.

See? The media’s protecting Maher because they’re white. It’s a big, scary white conspiracy, and if you don’t think so, THEN YOU’RE PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO.

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Barb

    The only other person who hates Allen West more than I do is actually Allen West himself.

    • Morning Barb, how are you today? I know you're under a lot of stress, and hope that we here at teh wonkette can lessen it a little.

      • Barb

        Hi Sweetie! I had trouble falling asleep and then I was jolted awake by a call from a bill collector.

        I've had the same cell phone number for 18 months and I cannot convince the bill collectors that I am not "Dustin." I speak calmly to them and explain that I don't know this person and I can prove who I am, etc. They act like they believe me and the calls still continue.

        When I had a landline phone I had a phone number that was close to the number of the local Wal Mart Pharmacy. (1818 v 8181) The same people would call me 3 times in-a-row and I would tell them what number to call and they would just hit "redial" and tell me that they KNOW my number is the pharmacy number. One crazy lady told me that my attitude was "unprofessional." Yeah, that's because I am not the damned pharmacy! Well, I'm not HER pharmacy. (wink)

        • sullivanst

          I'm telling ya, threaten legal action. The laws governing collectors in most states are actually quite strict. They can't just keep calling you when you don't have a debt.

          • Barb

            Good advice, I am going to do that.

        • Oh oh. I have a friend named Dustin who never pays his bills. Sorry 'bout that.

          • NellCote71

            I am kind of thinking that a disproportionate number of Dustins don't pay their bills. Or Earls. Or Earl Waynes.

          • Negropolis

            I had a middle school classmate who came back to visit our school in high school. By then, he was trying to sell me drugs, and regaled me about the pleasures of having sex with black chicks, something I seriously doubted he had any experience with.

        • scvirginia

          I might be tempted to do a little unprofessional prescribing after enough interruptions…

          • Barb

            My freaking heart skips a beat every time the phone rings and this is just bullshit.

    • Limeylizzie

      Hi Sister in Snark, Saturday morning kisses to you.

      • Barb

        Morning Sis. I Tweeted you last night and you didn't see it.
        I need a dress/outfit for a wedding in Chicago in October. It's not black tie and not casual, somewhere in between. Where do you shop when you need an outfit like that, please?

        • Limeylizzie

          Twitter was madness yesterday it wouldn't reload for me. My favourite spot for that kind of stuff and that won't be exactly the same as everyone else is Boden, it's a UK catalogue, great colours and great for you, as they run tall. They deliver from UK but only takes about a week and they have a sale right now.

          • Barb

            Thanks, I am going to check it out right now.

      • bikerlaureate

        "Snark Sisters" would likely be appointment TV. Just sayin'.

    • Geminisunmars

      Who can blame him.

  • new_pic_for_NEWTer

    I missed "Party of the Apes". Can someone tell me where that fits in the canon?

    • BerkeleyBear

      I'm pretty sure after they knocked down the pesky hairless chimps, the apes had a raging party. Before that asshole Charlton Heston showed up and started making eyes at their dates.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I think its the one after the one with Mark Wahlberg…or as I like to call it "Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch."

      • Negropolis



  • This tardz has wings, wings to fly with. He's caught a batshit loony current and it's been smooth sailing ever since.

  • Katydid

    I really would like to see his donor list. Who falls for this horseshit?

    • OkieDokieDog

      The people who are dumb enough to think Allen West was racially smeared are probably the same people who are dumb enough to send their SS money to televangelists.

    • Vecchiojohn

      I'd like to see his donor list too. I've got some Nigerian gold I want to smuggle into the country.

    • Steverino247

      The same people who respond to Nigerian Princes…

      Wait! RACISM! Gahhhh! No matter what I do, I can't stop it.

    • Buzz Feedback
      • Real Estate Agent Emeritus??!! Really??!!
        ROFLMAO, etc…

    • AOT, K

  • PuckStopsHere

    The guy in the picture looks like that crown prince who has been sending me and me alone e-mails promising $50,000 if I send him my routing number so he can sneak the money that is rightfully his out of the country by slipping it into my bank account. I'm still thinking about that, too.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Skip to 4:25 for the related gag or watch the whole thing.

    • reliefsinn

      Forgotten how great those were. John! Martian!

  • flamingpdog

    I don't normally like to feel agitated, but I'd give anything to be feeling Westless about now.

  • ProgressiveInga

    New Rule: A black man in a party of racists calling a donor to the party of racial inclusion a racist. From now on you must call Allen West an enigma.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wrapped in a puzzle. And covered with horseshit.

      • sullivanst

        Wrapped in a uniform, and covered with disgrace.

    • Jimmyone

      Allen West an enigma.

      Sorry, I read that as enema, still works tho.

    • scvirginia

      Enigma? Is that code?

    • Boojum


  • Vecchiojohn

    I hate that Bill Fucking Maher and if I ever get my hands on him I'm gonna torture like an Iraqi policeman.
    Donate here :

  • BerkeleyBear

    You'd think the party that embraced the bitter post 9/11 Dennis Miller as proof Republicans can be "funny" would see a bad cultural reference for what it is. But somehow it went over their pointy little heads.

  • Estproph

    Damn that racist Jane Goodall too!

  • Of course, liberals are the real racists for pointing out that West is claiming that liberals are the real racists for pointing out racism.

    My head hurts.

    • freakishlywrong

      Wait..what? I say this ten times a day now.

  • Tribbz

    Karl Malden lookalike makes reference to old movie. GET A TITLE LOAN AND DONATE NOW!

  • For it to be a "racist insult", the Republican Party would have to have a substantial proportion of black members, not just dumb ol' Allen West. I guess Bill Maher is racist against white meatheads. At any rate, I think it's best to stay away from ape jokes in politics, because it just makes assholes think they have cover for their Obama stuffed monkeys.

    • OK – from here on in it's Planet of the Aarps. At least there are senior discounts.

    • Ducksworthy

      Allowing Allen West to be a representative of your party is an act of racism.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I took the ape reference to refer to our first simian-American president, George W. Chimpy.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Next up!
    Beneath the Party of Apes
    *Allen West is caught giving iPods to a Rent A Boy for alleged lawn mowing services.
    Escape From Party of the Apes
    *Allen West quits the Senate and becomes a lobbyist for Enron and wonders why his paychecks are late.
    Conquest of the Party of Apes
    *Allen West is caught with a freezer full of half eaten money that he hasn’t paid taxes on or passed in a bowel movement.
    Battle of the Party of Apes
    *Allen West Is put in Jail for arguing with a parking meter for 3 ½ hours.

    • scvirginia

      Parking meters are racisty against Allen West- it's a well-known fact.

  • Aridzona

    West is certifiably nucking futs.

  • Guppy

    Yes, Alan West isn't just an African-American, but a professional African-American!

    What that entails is left as an exercise to the reader.

    • NellCote71

      As opposes to an amateur African American?

      • Guppy

        Don't try this at home, kids!

    • scvirginia

      Professional = token?

    • Geminisunmars

      Nice work if you can get it.

  • RadioSlut

    "I know the method I used was not right, but I wanted to take care of my donors."

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    I'm glad the Republicans are there to remind us the real racism in the world like this and letting poor black people eat.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    If we send money, will West buy beers at a bar in Boca?

    • sullivanst

      Would you want to have a beer with Allan West?

      • bikerlaureate

        I'd rather want to see Allen West on a bier.

        *This comment is purely a play on words and not any real wish to see anything unpleasant happen to a beleaguered Republi-loon. Note also that this disclaimer does not apply to the author's fervent wish to see Mr. West's campaign thoroughly shot full of holes – with votes.

    • rocktonsam

      only for teh jooz

  • Arken

    I have no problem saying racist things about Allen West. Allen West is a total peckerwood.

  • bumfug

    Take your stinking bullshit off me, you damned dirty republican!

  • chascates

    If only Andrew Breitbart were still around.

    • ElPinche

      He is around , chascates…He's in all of us.

      • chascates

        I'm off to buy an enema.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Allen West has never worked a day in his life". Que the outrage.

  • Goonemeritus

    Well I donated to the Gerald Ford campaign so I’m a Republican donor and therefore by extension Mitt Romney. So I find it particularly upsetting that I and by extension Mitt would refer to Allen West as a stinky butt poop head.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Stinkbutt the Cat libel!

    • Negropolis

      Hell, if he were alive, today, he'd be a Blue Dog Democrat.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I'd like to make a personal apology to all the apes out there, you must be feeling so hurt and dismayed to be compared to that steaming sack of shit, Alan West.

    I'd also like to make a personal apology to all the steaming sacks of shit out there, you must be feeling so hurt and dismayed …

  • Ryy

    Batman was black?

  • Are you starting to think that maybe this is all just kind of a disingenuous attempt to raise money?

    Send him enough bucks and his manufactured outrage at Maher will have vanished faster than the days when Limbaugh could maintain an erection without prescription medication.

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, this is the guy who said on the House floor "the Democratic appetite for ever-increasing redistributionary handouts is in fact the most insidious form of slavery remaining in the world today."

    I'd say he's The Brother from Another Planet.

    • scvirginia

      O Brother, Where Art Thou?

    • lulzmonger

      … or is he the Eraserhead baby?

      Wanting "handouts" back from the government you pay for is the Focke-Wulf 190 of Liberal Fascism!

  • This, with NBA finals just concluded, whereby I watched as with every season, players wringing flagrancy-claims of the barest nudged Foul: the foulee tipping floorward with the "impact" of the fouler, who at the whistle's blow flings his arms up and looks wild-eyed ("Who, ME??"), then a brief exchange of opinions in the ref's direction til a judgment is called, and resumed play until it's the aggrieved player's turn to deliver the same flagrancy at the opponent he's defending.
    Etc. Whoever read in the player's manual that these games call for drama stirred into the mix & spice things up with a pinch of histrionics and a dab of hypocrisy, has picked up Petulance where the word "Professional" leaves off.

  • freakishlywrong

    Maher then compared West to a coyote pissing on the couch.

    • A coyote is a term used to refer to smugglers who bring illegal migrants across the border from Mexico, and are often of the Hispanic persuasion. Are you saying Hispanics all piss on their own sofas? Because that would be racist!

  • Racists are the real racists.

  • scvirginia

    Chameleons hate paisley??? But they look so cute in their little yellow yuppie ties…

    • PubOption

      I've never heard Catholics called chameleons before.

    • alteredimages

      I read it as "chameleons hate parsley". I like mine better.

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but Ann Romney says, "Just say 'Neigh'".

    • Just say nay to drugs, administered in such a complex cocktail that puts a longtime veterinarian on record as declaring: "Gross. And negligence, also."
      If the Romney's hoof-injured equine could talk, I'm sure it would agree.

    • Geminisunmars

      Well, I'd say that Ann was just trying to help Super Hit live up to her name.

      • PuckStopsHere

        The physical condition of ones dressage horses should only be discussed in quiet rooms

        • Geminisunmars

          And certainly not within hearing of a potential buyer.

  • NellCote71

    Watch an Italian soccer team if you really want melodramatic displays.

    • Tomorrow 1:45 CST ESPN.

    • Negropolis

      Zinadine Zidane approved.

  • NellCote71

    Alan Worst: Self-interest. Working against own.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Ayn see what you did there.

  • MarieDeGournay

    I don't ever want to see the horrific lab they cooked him up in.

  • Callyson

    Well, let's see if Maher is on to something…what say ye, Wikipedia, about apes?

    All the nonhuman hominoids are generally thought of as highly intelligent, and scientific study has broadly confirmed that they perform outstandingly well on a wide range of cognitive tests – though there is relatively little data on gibbon cognition. The early studies by Wolfgang Köhler demonstrated exceptional problem-solving abilities in chimpanzees, which Köhler attributed to insight. The use of tools has been repeatedly demonstrated; more recently, the manufacture of tools has been documented, both in the wild and in laboratory tests. Imitation is much more easily demonstrated in "great apes" than in other primate species. Almost all the studies in animal language acquisition have been completed with "great apes", and though there is continuing dispute as to whether they demonstrate real language abilities, there is no doubt that they involve significant feats of learning. Chimpanzees in different parts of Africa have developed tools that are used in food acquisition, demonstrating a form of animal culture.

    Yeah, I see the problem with Maher's comment–it gives the Republicans in Congress far too much credit…

    Also–West, get over yourself…

  • Beowoof

    Seems as if West and friends can't wait until the day when they don't have to put up that pesky first amendment bullshit.

  • “Fight back against top Obama SuperPAC donor Bill Maher’s racial attacks.”

    Whereas West will always be remembered for the civility and constraint with which he labeled everyone who isn't a wingnut bagger as "commie" and "racist".

    Mind reels.

  • rickmaci

    How did a man who is so fucked up in the head manage to get promoted all the way to Lt. Colonel in the US Army? SMH.

    • Steverino247

      Because he was competent at his job as an artillery officer. However, in a war against insurgents where you don't have enough infantrymen, the artillerymen get used in a role they're not really trained for. West was technically competent to perform the various artillery command and staff jobs well, but leading men in combat is an entirely different thing. He was probably mildly paranoid and that was made worse under the stress of leading men to do something he really wasn't trained to do. Yes, he's an asshole, but I'm afraid he was given a big push by the lack of training and experience for the role he should not have been given. You can blame, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and Tommy Franks (who should have known better).

    • Isyaignert

      Good question; however, he was asked to leave the Army for being a big dick.

    • chascates

      John McCain and Lindsey Graham both made 0-6, one grade higher.

    • ttommyunger

      …by following the Ollie North example: yessir, nossir, three bags full. He, like Ollie, finally fucked up; and he, like Ollie, will always have a career in Right-Wing Nut-Baggery somewhere.

  • SexySmurf

    Would it make me a racist if I said, in that picture, Allen West looks like a broke-ass Idi Amin?

    • I had the same thought. I too must be a racist.

      • Ryy

        I would say a "gap toothed" Idi Amin. Not as bright, also.

        • So Idi Amin as played by Mike Tyson instead of Forest Whitaker.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Hey, I was going to post that except I couldn't remember how to spell Idi Amin and was afraid that if I let on that I knew who Idi Amin was, I would be labelled as "an old". Which is NOT to say that that is what you are as I am sure you are just a careful student of history.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I thought the same thing, but it's the over-the-top uniform that did it for me.

      Look at me! Bigotry Free!

      By the way…on his left lapel…is that a skull and crossbones? If it isn't, it ought be.

  • lulzmonger

    Yep, Allen West is a real Amerikan HERO alright.

    Let us now pause to remember how Reverend King courageously bought off Bull Connor & the KKK with online donations.
    Cannabruthagetta AMEN???

    • Isyaignert


  • stncmchnc

    The Honey Grifter/Col. Blah Herman Munster 2012!
    It's not too late!

  • sullivanst

    But waitwaitwaitwaitwait.

    I thought claiming racism was the real racism? So Allan West, time for your humble pie, you crazy motherfucker.

    • bikerlaureate

      It's confusing, because I thought a nonwhite Republi-loon was exempt from having anything s/he said checked for accuracy.

      This seemed like my gol-durn white guilt flaring up again, but then I looked at the release date of my Muslinlover Talking Points – and it's time to contact SorosCorp for an updated copy.

  • Schmannnity

    West is neither ape, monkey, nor chimp, but he does throw a lot of poo.

  • gullywompr

    Dr. Zaius spoke nothing but jive in that movie, the racist comparison is glaring.

  • Funny how West isn't even phased by Maher calling him a lunatic???

    • bikerlaureate

      Sssssh. That's a significant portion of his base. He can't afford to offend them.

    • extreme_left

      That's the thing about the crazy, it doesn't know it is and because it is crazy accusations of crazy are meaningless… it's not called crazy for nothing.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Idiotic, mouth breathing tea-tards are fuck heads no matter what race.

  • Biff

    The real crying-assed shame of this is the fact that the Muslins are NOT trying to kidnap him.

    • LetUsBray

      Well, duh – that would entail spending time with the guy.

      • extreme_left

        You've found the silver lining in this little cloud of shit, West's supporters are in close proximity thus live in constant fear he might just go apeshit..ruh roh.. on them any second as deranged people are want to do, cheers for fostering a nice warm feeling.

    • bikerlaureate

      How, exactly, would one go about making that a more attractive option? Small, unmarked bills…?
      Purely as a theoretical thought-exercise, of course. I'm sure there's no harm in wondering if making his daily schedule more widely known would, um, have any particular downside. And certainly the Muslins are all too well aware of Rep. West's penchant for torturing their own.
      Just spitballing here.

  • LionHeartSoyDog

    "…'Cause compared to the sun that sits in the sky
    Compared to the clouds as they roll by
    Compared to the bugs and the spiders and flies
    I am an Apeman…
    …I don't feel safe in this world no more
    I don't want to die in a nuclear war
    I want to sail away to a distant shore
    And make like an Apeman."


    • not that Radio

      Well, I hope we're not too messianic
      Or a trifle too satanic
      We love to play the blues
      Well I am just a monkey man
      I'm glad you are a monkey, monkey woman too, babe


      • LionHeartSoyDog

        "I'm a creepin' flea-bit monkey.
        All my friends are junkies.
        Love to play the blues…"

  • __kth__

    Jim DeMint and Joe Wilson (and about a hundred other Republicans) are every bit the apes that you are, Allen, so please don't take it racially.

    • bikerlaureate

      You lie!

      Caucasians can't be apelike. EVAR. In any way. There's no way, for instance, that copious lying and fearmongering could be compared to flinging feces…

      • Boojum

        You libel!

        Sorry, but I was feeling meta.

  • extreme_left

    Racistry: words in a paragraph that can be re-arranged to prove racism.

  • Did anyone else see that picture and immediately think of Idi Amin?

    • viennawoods13

      YES! But then I just watched The Last King of Scotland, so I thought it was just me.

  • extreme_left

    I thought everybody knows that the R's are the party of blah's.

  • Negropolis

    even after one of the most well-known Congressmen in the country calls attention to it…

    You flatter yourself, Congressman Flattop.

    This is the same guy that called black people "brainwashed" and made a racist jab that Dems are keeping black people on a plantation. Get the fuck out of here.

    • LionHeartSoyDog


      Living Color libel!!!

      (if Cult of Personality isn't an all-time fave, i don't know what is).

  • Negropolis

    Silly West, every conservative knows that racism ended the day the president was elected. Get your fuckin' talking points straight.

  • telecustom1972

    I don't think Maher was really calling West an ape, but it would explain his penchant for hurling dung ….., just sayin'.

  • ttommyunger

    Ape? Nope. Blah? Never. Moran? Oh Hell yes, in Spades! Wait for it…..wait for it……

  • Pithaughn

    I've dreamed of fucking like a drunk teenage monkey. Am I a racist?

Previous articleA Children’s Treasury Of Brutal Reviews Of Aaron Sorkin’s Terrible New Show
Next articleWe Are Sorry We Left You Off Our List Of Hottest Conservatives, Steven Crowder