OH BOY  2:26 pm June 22, 2012

Dick Cheney’s Daughter Got Gay Married, To Another Lady!

by Jim Newell

Hopefully he dressed better than he did for this Auschwitz weddingWedding bells in DC! See down here, in the World’s Most Evil City, we let gay people get married and don’t think nothin’ about it. The proud couple today was Mary Cheney, daughter of a former banana republic warlord, and longtime girlfriend Heather Poe, who probably has parents too. Cheney has already used science magick to birth the couple’s two children. Dick Cheney is furious! No, he’s happy, about this one thing.

Dick Cheney has long been a lover of gays. Most Republicans who have actually lived and worked in the modern world secretly are, but can’t admit it like Cheney can with his familial connection. Here is his and Lynne’s statement:

In a statement issue by Cheney and his wife, Lynne, said, ”Our daughter Mary and her long time partner, Heather Poe, were married today in Washington, DC. Mary and Heather have been in a committed relationship for many years, and we are delighted that they were able to take advantage of the opportunity to have that relationship recognized.”

The former vice president added, “Mary and Heather and their children are very important and much loved members of our family and we wish them every happiness.”

No, you still aren’t allowed to reference Mary Cheney in a debate, John Edwards. Mostly because you’ll never be in a debate again, thank god.

[ABC News]

 

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{ 127 comments }

PuckStopsHere June 22, 2012 at 2:27 pm

If Dick Cheney had a heart, this would surely stop it.

Extemporanus June 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

And his daughter-in-law could tell the tale…

LionHeartSoyDog June 22, 2012 at 3:42 pm

"…and I can still hear the blood circulating."

- E.A. Poe

DerrickWildcat June 22, 2012 at 2:28 pm

There's probably a joke in there somewhere.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

John Edwards would hit that.

ManchuCandidate June 22, 2012 at 2:46 pm

To be fair, John Edwards would hit anything with two legs and a vajayjay.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

And the vajayjay may be negotiable.

Grief_Lessons June 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

He'd be willing to drop the "two legs" requirement.

nounverb911 June 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Was Lindsey Graham the Maid of Honor?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

This is all Obama's fault.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Did Satan sit on the Cheney's side of the church?

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

If two women get married (or two men, for that matter) how do the ushers know where to sit anyone?

"Enemies of the groom, to the left. Enemies of the bride, to the right, please"

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I assume, at least at the Cheney wedding, they simply asked if Satan was your lord and master, and if you said yes, sat you behind Dick.

RayneMan June 22, 2012 at 4:00 pm

No, he had business at American Crossroads and was unable to attend.

mavenmaven June 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

That's what happens to good real Americans, they become "Washington Insiders" and all hell breaks loose, literally. That's what Sarah Palin taught me, anyway.

Callyson June 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

No snark–congratulations to the happy couple. And I hope California gets rid of Prop H8 soon…

SayItWithWookies June 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Dick Cheney is thrilled — now he can campaign to stop anyone else from getting gay married ever.

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Excepting himself. Clever, Dick, very clever.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Boy, isn't this the very definition of Poe's Law?

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 3:35 pm

What goes around goosesteps around.

unclejeems June 22, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Cheney and his Republican brethren would like to renew the Po' Laws and other such legislation. So the po', who refuse to take personal responsibility for their lives by becoming homeless and hungry, can all be sent to workhouses where they can do piece-work and live out their po' little lives that Jesus wishes on them from his mansion in the sky.

Chill_Bill June 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Just in time for the annual Cheney Family hunting trip!

Dr. Nick Riviera June 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

And then Cheney turns around and endorses the guy who wants to nullify their marriage. Funny ol' Grandpa!

VaWyo June 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm

People who vote against their own and their family's own self interest are called republicans. .

jaytingle June 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm

It's Lynne Cheney's "Sisters" brought into the 21st century. No, wait. I'm thinking of "The Real L-Word."

glamourdammerung June 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Unless you are thinking about the bear on human sex in Cheney's book.

jaytingle June 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Actually, the bear-on-child sex was rendered in Scooter Libby's novel.

glamourdammerung June 22, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Duh, my bad.

Blueb4sunrise June 22, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Today we are all gay daughters of undead war criminals.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I shed a tear, your words were so beautiful.

Blueb4sunrise June 22, 2012 at 3:25 pm

T'sokay, I stole them.

MissTaken June 22, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Which child got married? Luke or Leia?

SorosBot June 22, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Now I feel like bringing in some of the EU stuff, but even I'm not nerdy enough to know much about that.

Guppy June 22, 2012 at 2:53 pm

You're nerdy enough to reference it as "EU."

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Luke. Nobody gets Leia'd in the Cheney household

BlueStateLibel June 22, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Mitt (R)money commented: "I wish the happy couple well. Marriage should be between a man and a woman. I'm glad to see two long-time partners tying the knot. I don't support gay marriage."

scvirginia June 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Yes, but did he have dueling videos?

OkieDokieDog June 22, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Just like Bristol Palin's unwed teen motherhood – IOKIYAR

coolhandnuke June 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Why do I have an urge to read Poe's "Tell Tale Heart?"

Extemporanus June 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm

"I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him."

[ADDING: You shall beat me nevermore!]

Tundra Grifter June 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Speaking of famous daughters, has anyone else notice that Barbara Bush (the younger – Jenna's sister) appears to have been separated at birth from The Octamom?

OzoneTom June 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

If I had ever gotten married, this would surely destroy my marriage.

JustPixelz June 22, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Statistically, divorces have a 1.0 correlation with getting married. Sounds like you kinda know that already.

MissTaken June 22, 2012 at 2:40 pm

You know, on the day of his daughter's wedding the Godfather cannot decline a request. Maybe someone from the Hague should stop by the reception and request Cheney's presence?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

…that Dick would follow them back to The Hague?

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"The Don is semi-retired and Mary is in charge of the family business now. If you have anything to say, say it to Mary."

calliecallie June 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

The hypocrisy of everything Republican is just mind-blowing.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Mostly because you’ll never be in a debate again, thank god.

Scott Horton: The Edwards Circus Leaves Town
~

rickmaci June 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Forgive me, but I wonder if any of the guests were gagging on the Hypocrisy flavored punch and Double Standard finger sandwiches served at the reception?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 2:50 pm

You go for the government you can attain, not for the government you want.

Boojum June 22, 2012 at 10:32 pm

The finger sandwiches used real fingers.

edgydrifter June 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Bless Dick Cheney's robot blood pump.

SorosBot June 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Their marriage was officiated by a priest to Dick's Master, Melkor or Morgoth Bauglir, the Dark Lord of Arda.

fuflans June 22, 2012 at 3:17 pm

if you weren't taken i would have to fall in love with you for that.

vulpes82 June 22, 2012 at 3:45 pm

A Balrog rose from fire and shadow to perform the ceremony.

MissTaken June 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Totes OT:

Fracking hell! I was sitting here enjoying a lovely Mixt Green salad when I spotted a caterpillar. A FUCKING CATERPILLAR IN MY SALAD! UGH!

OzoneTom June 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

At least it wasn't half of a caterpillar.

ChernobylSoup June 22, 2012 at 2:46 pm

The free market would have caught that caterpillar but the FDA and the USDA got in the way.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

put some balsamic on it.

PuckStopsHere June 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Shoulda gone with the Quarter Pounder like a real 'Merckin. Also, would you be this upset had a butterfly flown out of your salad? Methinks not. So, perhaps you should just wait a little while and then resume your lunch in peace and happiness.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:49 pm

There are starving children in India China the United States who would KILL for that 'pillar! Quitcher bitching and eat!

CountryClubJihadi June 22, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Happened to me before with a "katydid". So gross! Are you taking him outside, or will you keep him until he becomes a butterfly?

MissTaken June 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

It was already dead, so no butterfly for me

Joshua Norton June 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

What's the problem? They don't eat that much.

Guppy June 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Now you know they didn't use pesticides.

JustPixelz June 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Sure, now you like DDT. Fuck you Mother Nature.

Stuff like this didn't happen when Dubya was in charge.

Freegan caterpillars. UGH!

widestanceromance June 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Was it Mexican?

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

They do cross borders.

scvirginia June 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I hope you weren't charged for the extra protein…

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 22, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Lucky you, that usually only comes with the Deluxe Mix Green.

fuflans June 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

that happened to me once!. little fucker was still alive, wriggled right up at me, right out of my ($8 treasure island salad bar) broccoli.

i haven't eaten raw broccoli since and that was two life partners ago.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Serves you right for having an elitist salad. Next time have an anus burger like the rest of us. You can hardly taste the vermin when they're ground up in with the "meat."

SorosBot June 22, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Mmm, that's some good rat there.

LionHeartSoyDog June 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"A FUCKING CATERPILLAR IN MY SALAD!"

Is that what you kids are calling it these days?

Wilcoxyz June 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Has Mitt Romney given the happy couple four Cadillacs yet?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Way to undermine heterosexual marriages everywhere Cheney!

ManchuCandidate June 22, 2012 at 2:46 pm

The marriage wasn't sealed till Dick shot his daughter's father-in-law in the face.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Your move, American Family Association.

Extemporanus June 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

"You may now waterboard the bride."

neiltheblaze June 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Which one is the bride?

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Better board 'em both, just to be sure, altho my money is on Poe.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm

…but Mary had the babbies!

dogscantlookup June 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

BURN HIM ANYWAY!

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

"…and may their first child be a masculine one"

ChernobylSoup June 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

The former vice president added, “Mary and Heather and their children are very important and much loved members of our family and we wish them every happiness…

…and we can't wait for the childrens' little hearts to mature into transplantable organs."

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Gore Vidal hasn't left his room since hearing the news. He had such high hopes.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Maybe they're taking a vacation near the water. Y'know, so they can motorboat.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I don't think they have the big enough outboards, if you get my meaning.

chicken_thief June 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

It's always wet where they vacay….

neiltheblaze June 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Of course, their marriage won't be recognized in most of the states of the union – but Dick and Lynne are probably fine with that.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

and let's face it. Because they're lesbians, this will get a pass.

friendlyskies June 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

The comments on the version of this story linked to by Drudge are precious – more playground euphemisms for anal sex than 4chan, more amateur theological ruminations than a Westboro Baptist Church hate rally. You've got to wonder what kind of drugs Matt needs to sleep every night, knowing what he has wrought…..

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 2:58 pm

more playground euphemisms for anal sex than 4chan

They, um, DO understand these are two women, right?

ManchuCandidate June 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Like the clowns let the facts get in the way.

friendlyskies June 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Some godless liberal dumbocrat did point that out, and was roundly abused by people threatening to marry their goldfish, for Jesus.

gullywompr June 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm

He sleeps like a baby on a pile of money.

kissawookiee June 22, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I am more interested in whatever drugs got you through your visit to Drudge's playground.

Oblios_Cap June 22, 2012 at 2:58 pm

At least they won't pass on those malevolent genes…

chicken_thief June 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm

His gay daughter got married?! I bet Dick is spinning in his grave like Natalia Kanounnikova on crack over thi… wait. Wha? He isn't buried yet?!!

widestanceromance June 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

But, . . .didn't he just. . .wait. . .he. . .sigh. I need a vacation from this world.

Groupshrug June 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I'm sure Mary Cheney actually loves Dick (her Father)

CommieLibunatic June 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Dude, I have the weirdest bonerwarm and fuzzy feeling right now.

/toggle snark=false, Hooray for the new couple. Like I tell all my newlywed friends, don't fuck it up.

ChernobylSoup June 22, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Why isn't anyone talking about that Politico thing about Romney not being comfortable around black people? Wonkette should do something with that. Perhaps tie in some Hunger Games references? I think Josh should write it.

RavenRant June 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Dang, your wish is Josh Fruhlinger's command.

Bonzos_Bed_Time June 22, 2012 at 3:14 pm

See, this is how Republicans are threatening heterosexual marriages everywhere!

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Dick is secretly disappointed that she didn't marry an inanimate object like he did. Tradition!!!

Oblios_Cap June 22, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Maybe this will inspire some more Lynne Cheney lesbo-licious porno.

James Michael Curley June 22, 2012 at 3:22 pm

We wish then all the happiness they can possibly have.

Someone is going to have mother-in-law stories we will think were written by Phillip K Dick.

fartknocker June 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Dear Dick: Fuck You.

fuflans June 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm

to be fair, this is obama's fault.

gullywompr June 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Are you sure this story is true? I can't find anything about it on either Breitbart or Fox News.

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Their pre-nup specifies that Fox News has exclusive rights to broadcast any divorce proceedings on the Judge Jodie Foster show.

not that Radio June 22, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Liz Cheney is gonna be pissed!

gurukalehuru June 22, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Well, it's a bit late for Mary Cheney, being hitched now and all, but for any lusty lesbian ladies looking to hook up with daughters of psychopathic bloodthirsty tyrants, that Googoosha Kardioraptorova gal is pretty hot.
Don't know if she does the tortilla tango , though.

rocktonsam June 22, 2012 at 4:21 pm

does Dickface even know what ghey means. Can't wait to see the look on his dickface when he figures that one out, boy thats going to great.

all the best you crazy kids!

rocktonsam June 22, 2012 at 4:35 pm

does Dickface even know what ghey means. Can't wait to see the look on his dickface when he figures that one out, boy thats going be to great.

glamourdammerung June 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

What a scumbag. Using homosexual civil rights as a wedge issue, then pulling this. There really should be legislation to specifically outlaw Cheney's wedding.

RayneMan June 22, 2012 at 5:32 pm

American Family Association: "Obama's support of gay marriage starts to corrupt the fine, upstanding, God-Fearing people of this country!"

Dick Cheney: "Go fuck yourself."

Tyrannically_Joe June 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm
TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 10:23 pm

How time flies.

arihaya June 22, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Dick Cheney is lucky that her daughter's wedding didn't accidentally got bombed by US drones like what happened in Afghanistan

lunchbox360 June 22, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Strange I suddenly have the urge to give up religion, divorce my wife and become romantically involved with a centipede and believe everything else Pat Robertson ever spewed from his piehole. I knew it would happen.

Isyaignert June 22, 2012 at 10:24 pm

If you don't like gay people, blame the straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

Nostrildamus June 23, 2012 at 2:06 am

Dick really went all out for this wedding. The centerpiece, made from the skulls of thousands for Iraqi school children, was a masterpiece!

DahBoner June 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

This ain't right.

The Bible says marriage is between one man and his 700 wives and 300 concubines….

not that Radio June 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

There is some beautiful wingnut implosion going on in the comments of the Blaze article about this.

ttommyunger June 24, 2012 at 3:25 pm

My best to all the Cheney ladies: Lynn, Liz and Lickety-Split.

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