oh boy

Dick Cheney’s Daughter Got Gay Married, To Another Lady!

Hopefully he dressed better than he did for this Auschwitz weddingWedding bells in DC! See down here, in the World’s Most Evil City, we let gay people get married and don’t think nothin’ about it. The proud couple today was Mary Cheney, daughter of a former banana republic warlord, and longtime girlfriend Heather Poe, who probably has parents too. Cheney has already used science magick to birth the couple’s two children. Dick Cheney is furious! No, he’s happy, about this one thing.

Dick Cheney has long been a lover of gays. Most Republicans who have actually lived and worked in the modern world secretly are, but can’t admit it like Cheney can with his familial connection. Here is his and Lynne’s statement:

In a statement issue by Cheney and his wife, Lynne, said, ”Our daughter Mary and her long time partner, Heather Poe, were married today in Washington, DC. Mary and Heather have been in a committed relationship for many years, and we are delighted that they were able to take advantage of the opportunity to have that relationship recognized.”

The former vice president added, “Mary and Heather and their children are very important and much loved members of our family and we wish them every happiness.”

No, you still aren’t allowed to reference Mary Cheney in a debate, John Edwards. Mostly because you’ll never be in a debate again, thank god.

[ABC News]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • PuckStopsHere

    If Dick Cheney had a heart, this would surely stop it.

    • Extemporanus

      And his daughter-in-law could tell the tale…

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        "…and I can still hear the blood circulating."

        – E.A. Poe

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    There's probably a joke in there somewhere.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    John Edwards would hit that.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      To be fair, John Edwards would hit anything with two legs and a vajayjay.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        And the vajayjay may be negotiable.

      • Grief_Lessons

        He'd be willing to drop the "two legs" requirement.

  • nounverb911

    Was Lindsey Graham the Maid of Honor?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is all Obama's fault.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Did Satan sit on the Cheney's side of the church?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If two women get married (or two men, for that matter) how do the ushers know where to sit anyone?

      "Enemies of the groom, to the left. Enemies of the bride, to the right, please"

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I assume, at least at the Cheney wedding, they simply asked if Satan was your lord and master, and if you said yes, sat you behind Dick.

    • RayneMan

      No, he had business at American Crossroads and was unable to attend.

  • mavenmaven

    That's what happens to good real Americans, they become "Washington Insiders" and all hell breaks loose, literally. That's what Sarah Palin taught me, anyway.

  • Callyson

    No snark–congratulations to the happy couple. And I hope California gets rid of Prop H8 soon…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Dick Cheney is thrilled — now he can campaign to stop anyone else from getting gay married ever.

    • TribecaMike

      Excepting himself. Clever, Dick, very clever.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Boy, isn't this the very definition of Poe's Law?

    • TribecaMike

      What goes around goosesteps around.

    • unclejeems

      Cheney and his Republican brethren would like to renew the Po' Laws and other such legislation. So the po', who refuse to take personal responsibility for their lives by becoming homeless and hungry, can all be sent to workhouses where they can do piece-work and live out their po' little lives that Jesus wishes on them from his mansion in the sky.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Just in time for the annual Cheney Family hunting trip!

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    And then Cheney turns around and endorses the guy who wants to nullify their marriage. Funny ol' Grandpa!

    • VaWyo

      People who vote against their own and their family's own self interest are called republicans. .

  • jaytingle

    It's Lynne Cheney's "Sisters" brought into the 21st century. No, wait. I'm thinking of "The Real L-Word."

    • glamourdammerung

      Unless you are thinking about the bear on human sex in Cheney's book.

      • jaytingle

        Actually, the bear-on-child sex was rendered in Scooter Libby's novel.

        • glamourdammerung

          Duh, my bad.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Today we are all gay daughters of undead war criminals.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      I shed a tear, your words were so beautiful.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        T'sokay, I stole them.

  • MissTaken

    Which child got married? Luke or Leia?

    • SorosBot

      Now I feel like bringing in some of the EU stuff, but even I'm not nerdy enough to know much about that.

      • Guppy

        You're nerdy enough to reference it as "EU."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Luke. Nobody gets Leia'd in the Cheney household

  • BlueStateLibel

    Mitt (R)money commented: "I wish the happy couple well. Marriage should be between a man and a woman. I'm glad to see two long-time partners tying the knot. I don't support gay marriage."

    • scvirginia

      Yes, but did he have dueling videos?

  • OkieDokieDog

    Just like Bristol Palin's unwed teen motherhood – IOKIYAR

  • coolhandnuke

    Why do I have an urge to read Poe's "Tell Tale Heart?"

    • Extemporanus

      "I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him."

      [ADDING: You shall beat me nevermore!]

  • Tundra Grifter

    Speaking of famous daughters, has anyone else notice that Barbara Bush (the younger – Jenna's sister) appears to have been separated at birth from The Octamom?

  • OzoneTom

    If I had ever gotten married, this would surely destroy my marriage.

    • JustPixelz

      Statistically, divorces have a 1.0 correlation with getting married. Sounds like you kinda know that already.

  • MissTaken

    You know, on the day of his daughter's wedding the Godfather cannot decline a request. Maybe someone from the Hague should stop by the reception and request Cheney's presence?

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      …that Dick would follow them back to The Hague?

    • TribecaMike

      "The Don is semi-retired and Mary is in charge of the family business now. If you have anything to say, say it to Mary."

  • calliecallie

    The hypocrisy of everything Republican is just mind-blowing.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Mostly because you’ll never be in a debate again, thank god.

    Scott Horton: The Edwards Circus Leaves Town
    ~

  • rickmaci

    Forgive me, but I wonder if any of the guests were gagging on the Hypocrisy flavored punch and Double Standard finger sandwiches served at the reception?

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      You go for the government you can attain, not for the government you want.

    • Boojum

      The finger sandwiches used real fingers.

  • edgydrifter

    Bless Dick Cheney's robot blood pump.

  • SorosBot

    Their marriage was officiated by a priest to Dick's Master, Melkor or Morgoth Bauglir, the Dark Lord of Arda.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      if you weren't taken i would have to fall in love with you for that.

    • vulpes82

      A Balrog rose from fire and shadow to perform the ceremony.

  • MissTaken

    Totes OT:

    Fracking hell! I was sitting here enjoying a lovely Mixt Green salad when I spotted a caterpillar. A FUCKING CATERPILLAR IN MY SALAD! UGH!

    • OzoneTom

      At least it wasn't half of a caterpillar.

    • ChernobylSoup

      The free market would have caught that caterpillar but the FDA and the USDA got in the way.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      put some balsamic on it.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Shoulda gone with the Quarter Pounder like a real 'Merckin. Also, would you be this upset had a butterfly flown out of your salad? Methinks not. So, perhaps you should just wait a little while and then resume your lunch in peace and happiness.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      There are starving children in India China the United States who would KILL for that 'pillar! Quitcher bitching and eat!

    • CountryClubJihadi

      Happened to me before with a "katydid". So gross! Are you taking him outside, or will you keep him until he becomes a butterfly?

      • MissTaken

        It was already dead, so no butterfly for me

    • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

      What's the problem? They don't eat that much.

    • Guppy

      Now you know they didn't use pesticides.

    • JustPixelz

      Sure, now you like DDT. Fuck you Mother Nature.

      Stuff like this didn't happen when Dubya was in charge.

      Freegan caterpillars. UGH!

    • widestanceromance

      Was it Mexican?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        They do cross borders.

    • scvirginia

      I hope you weren't charged for the extra protein…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Lucky you, that usually only comes with the Deluxe Mix Green.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      that happened to me once!. little fucker was still alive, wriggled right up at me, right out of my ($8 treasure island salad bar) broccoli.

      i haven't eaten raw broccoli since and that was two life partners ago.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Serves you right for having an elitist salad. Next time have an anus burger like the rest of us. You can hardly taste the vermin when they're ground up in with the "meat."

      • SorosBot

        Mmm, that's some good rat there.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      "A FUCKING CATERPILLAR IN MY SALAD!"

      Is that what you kids are calling it these days?

  • Wilcoxyz

    Has Mitt Romney given the happy couple four Cadillacs yet?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Way to undermine heterosexual marriages everywhere Cheney!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The marriage wasn't sealed till Dick shot his daughter's father-in-law in the face.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Your move, American Family Association.

  • Extemporanus

    "You may now waterboard the bride."

    • neiltheblaze

      Which one is the bride?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Better board 'em both, just to be sure, altho my money is on Poe.

        • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

          …but Mary had the babbies!

  • dogscantlookup

    BURN HIM ANYWAY!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    "…and may their first child be a masculine one"

  • ChernobylSoup

    The former vice president added, “Mary and Heather and their children are very important and much loved members of our family and we wish them every happiness…

    …and we can't wait for the childrens' little hearts to mature into transplantable organs."

  • TribecaMike

    Gore Vidal hasn't left his room since hearing the news. He had such high hopes.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Maybe they're taking a vacation near the water. Y'know, so they can motorboat.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I don't think they have the big enough outboards, if you get my meaning.

    • chicken_thief

      It's always wet where they vacay….

  • neiltheblaze

    Of course, their marriage won't be recognized in most of the states of the union – but Dick and Lynne are probably fine with that.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      and let's face it. Because they're lesbians, this will get a pass.

  • friendlyskies

    The comments on the version of this story linked to by Drudge are precious – more playground euphemisms for anal sex than 4chan, more amateur theological ruminations than a Westboro Baptist Church hate rally. You've got to wonder what kind of drugs Matt needs to sleep every night, knowing what he has wrought…..

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      more playground euphemisms for anal sex than 4chan

      They, um, DO understand these are two women, right?

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Like the clowns let the facts get in the way.

      • friendlyskies

        Some godless liberal dumbocrat did point that out, and was roundly abused by people threatening to marry their goldfish, for Jesus.

    • gullywompr

      He sleeps like a baby on a pile of money.

    • kissawookiee

      I am more interested in whatever drugs got you through your visit to Drudge's playground.

  • Oblios_Cap

    At least they won't pass on those malevolent genes…

  • chicken_thief

    His gay daughter got married?! I bet Dick is spinning in his grave like Natalia Kanounnikova on crack over thi… wait. Wha? He isn't buried yet?!!

  • widestanceromance

    But, . . .didn't he just. . .wait. . .he. . .sigh. I need a vacation from this world.

  • Groupshrug

    I'm sure Mary Cheney actually loves Dick (her Father)

  • CommieLibunatic

    Dude, I have the weirdest bonerwarm and fuzzy feeling right now.

    /toggle snark=false, Hooray for the new couple. Like I tell all my newlywed friends, don't fuck it up.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Why isn't anyone talking about that Politico thing about Romney not being comfortable around black people? Wonkette should do something with that. Perhaps tie in some Hunger Games references? I think Josh should write it.

    • RavenRant

      Dang, your wish is Josh Fruhlinger's command.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    See, this is how Republicans are threatening heterosexual marriages everywhere!

  • TribecaMike

    Dick is secretly disappointed that she didn't marry an inanimate object like he did. Tradition!!!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Maybe this will inspire some more Lynne Cheney lesbo-licious porno.

  • James Michael Curley

    We wish then all the happiness they can possibly have.

    Someone is going to have mother-in-law stories we will think were written by Phillip K Dick.

  • fartknocker

    Dear Dick: Fuck You.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    to be fair, this is obama's fault.

  • gullywompr

    Are you sure this story is true? I can't find anything about it on either Breitbart or Fox News.

  • TribecaMike

    Their pre-nup specifies that Fox News has exclusive rights to broadcast any divorce proceedings on the Judge Jodie Foster show.

  • not that Radio

    Liz Cheney is gonna be pissed!

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Well, it's a bit late for Mary Cheney, being hitched now and all, but for any lusty lesbian ladies looking to hook up with daughters of psychopathic bloodthirsty tyrants, that Googoosha Kardioraptorova gal is pretty hot.
    Don't know if she does the tortilla tango , though.

  • rocktonsam

    does Dickface even know what ghey means. Can't wait to see the look on his dickface when he figures that one out, boy thats going to great.

    all the best you crazy kids!

  • rocktonsam

    does Dickface even know what ghey means. Can't wait to see the look on his dickface when he figures that one out, boy thats going be to great.

  • glamourdammerung

    What a scumbag. Using homosexual civil rights as a wedge issue, then pulling this. There really should be legislation to specifically outlaw Cheney's wedding.

  • RayneMan

    American Family Association: "Obama's support of gay marriage starts to corrupt the fine, upstanding, God-Fearing people of this country!"

    Dick Cheney: "Go fuck yourself."

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe
    • TribecaMike

      How time flies.

  • arihaya

    Dick Cheney is lucky that her daughter's wedding didn't accidentally got bombed by US drones like what happened in Afghanistan

  • lunchbox360

    Strange I suddenly have the urge to give up religion, divorce my wife and become romantically involved with a centipede and believe everything else Pat Robertson ever spewed from his piehole. I knew it would happen.

  • Isyaignert

    If you don't like gay people, blame the straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

  • Nostrildamus

    Dick really went all out for this wedding. The centerpiece, made from the skulls of thousands for Iraqi school children, was a masterpiece!

  • DahBoner

    This ain't right.

    The Bible says marriage is between one man and his 700 wives and 300 concubines….

  • not that Radio

    There is some beautiful wingnut implosion going on in the comments of the Blaze article about this.

  • ttommyunger

    My best to all the Cheney ladies: Lynn, Liz and Lickety-Split.