Who Will Be President Of T-Shirts? (Hint: It Is Ron Paul)

ron_paul_eagle_white_tshirtQuick, let’s brainstorm about the dumbest, most irrelevant data point with which we could attempt to analyze this presidential election!

And while you’re shouting answers at your computer machines, know that nothing you suggest could be as colossally moronic as this: “At CafePress…we have been tracking 2012 election presidential candidate support via The Meter graph.”

By tracking the race, they mean the T-shirt sales from the AOL of online print-on-demand outfits. So who is going to be our next president as foretold by shitty T-shirts? Ron Paul, of course. Unless it’s that NOBAMA fellow, who is now in a dead heat (for CafePress t-shirts sales) with Paul.

The next president either will be the current president or a 70-something backbench Congressman from rural Texas who couldn’t muster a single primary or caucus win in his two consecutive presidential campaigns. Someone go stuff that Nate Silver fellow in a sack with a rabid wolverine and then toss him off a bridge. We no longer need his elitist (gay math) “regression analysis” to understand politics.

“With an average of over 130,000 new designs uploaded every week, CafePress is often seen as a Cultural Barometer®,” writes the Park Avenue-officed PR flunky who spammed media outlets this “story” and also apparently registered “Cultural Barometer,” which CafePress is seen as, as a trademark.

What self-respecting media outlet would fill the ever-shrinking news hole with this PR-troll jibberish? The New York Daily News! Also the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Both papers are very concerned that Willard Mittworth Romney’s lagging T-shirt sales could be a harbinger of doom for the Romney campaign. How will Mittens relate to these “T-shirt Americans” he’s heard so much about from his private tailor? Oh serious journalism, how you fulfill us so.

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
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          1. Serolf_Divad

            There isn't a dime of difference between Three Wolf Moon and Hello Kitty Ripoff. Two sides of the same coin.

    1. ChernobylSoup

      It was a newer wolverine; an outlier, if you will. The wolverine will be placed into context according to what we know, and don't know, about this wolverine. This is a reasonable heuristic method to apply even if you aren’t operating through the formality of a statistical model, and are instead being stuffed into a sack with said wolverine.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Somebody has been reading way too much "538" There is a known cure which involves crushing a tablet of Trazodone into a glass of Jim Beam. Or a pint of Ben & Jerry's if you are female.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      It's not really a genuine Ron Paul T-shirt unless it was made on an abandoned oil-rig off the coast of Newfoundland, that was appropriated by a group of squatters who've proclaimed it a sovereign nation to be run under Objectivist laws and principles (no taxes, and lots of weed) and will need to be rescued by the Canadian Coast Guard as soon as cold weather sets in and the first winter storm hits.

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Cafe Press doesn't do polo uniforms, chauffeur sets, or Mexican gardener coveralls, so Mitt's numbers are not accurately represented.

  2. Schmannnity

    Meanwhile, sales of Katherine Harris push up bras continue to slide while the Chris Christie T-shirt/family tent hold steady.

    1. Guppy

      The banner ad she bought on CafePress announced that her shirt was the best-selling CafePress shirt ever!

  3. EatsBabyDingos

    Better barometer than the Chris Christie Rectal Thermometer®, "now with public display!"?

  4. SoBeach

    Both papers are very concerned that Willard Mittworth Romney’s lagging T-shirt sales could be a harbinger of doom for the Romney campaign.

    Not even the people who have supported Romney from the get-go are excited enough about him to wear a Romney t-shirt.

  5. freakishlywrong

    I see a ton of Paulytard bumper stickers around here as well. It takes every ounce of restraint I have not to rear-end them.

    1. FraAnima

      I have the same reaction to the Nobama and 'Keep the Change' bumper stickers around here. And I have a lifted 1988 Land Cruiser with an ARB bull bar that could do a really good job at sticker removal.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        My '73 Chevy, Vlad the Impala, still has a"Howard Dean For America" sticker on the back bumper.

        If I ever do the full restoration, I also have an actual 1972-vintage "I support President Nixon" sticker (complete with CREEP fine print)

    2. Larry McAwful

      I live in the Boston area and have seen twice as many Romney stickers on cars as I've seen Herman Cain bumper stickers. I'm not kidding. I drove across the state last weekend and that ratio didn't change much. Except for there being far fewer Herman Cain stickers.

    3. Designer_Radio

      I have to repost this, from my March trip to the south. I wanted to zoom in and get a better shot of the ironically poor person who supports the Hunger Games candidate, but the dude who owns the car came walking out of the store and I didn't want to be the "Gov't surveillance agent who oppresses liberty and libertarians" in his White Christian Male persecution fantasy.

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I would be interested to see a size breakdown comparing Paultard and Obama t-shirt customers.

    1. Guppy

      Mitt's supporters don't buy their own coffee.

      Obama's? Wouldn't be caught dead drinking 7-11 coffee.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I'm pretty sure they're the folks who made my "U.S. OUT OF NORTH AMERICA" button bought in 1982.

  7. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    With an average of over 130,000 new designs uploaded every week, CafePress is often seen as a Cultural Barometer®

    Only if t-shirts are the only things Americans read.

  8. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Will Paul be able to fulfill his presidential duties? He is already president of World of Warcraft.

  9. LagunaB

    Don't miss the "Staff Pick" on page 5 of the Obama tee shirts at CafePress web site which reads – If Obama is the answer how stupid is the question. ?? Good one CafePress. How about a tee with RP lossing his eyebrow wig?
    Hey Rebecca, I print tees if you need them. Or I can give you the info for LA companies that print at great prices to do it yourselves.

  10. James Michael Curley

    In a strange coincidence I am wearing an olive drab T-Shirt to work today. First time working in a shirt without a collar since I was cutting lawns for a living.

  11. barto

    Unfortunately they completely missed the data point that for every Ron Paul T-shirt there was a companion order for an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.

  12. iburl

    "couldn’t muster a single primary or caucus win in his two consecutive presidential campaigns. "

    Actually, he won Louisiana, Minnesota, Maine caucuses this year. He also won the most delegates in Iowa the other day. Plus, he won the cheesecake calendar sales contest on café press.

  13. Nostrildamus

    Romney may be behind in campaign T-shirt sales, but he's way ahead in jewel encrusted putters and dildoes.

  14. TribecaMike

    If CafePress had been around in Michelangelo's day he wouldn't have suffered from chronic back pain.

    Come Sherman, into the should have been machine!

  15. Designer_Radio

    So, Ron Paul fans like to wear images of a bald eagle, huh? Remember how DDT almost wiped the species off the face of the earth and Big Gov't regulators decided DDT should not be used anymore to save the bald eagles' shells from being too thin to produce viable chicks?

    I knew Paul fans were Statists.

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