UNNECESSARY  9:32 am June 22, 2012

Who Will Be President Of T-Shirts? (Hint: It Is Ron Paul)

by Jeff Wattrick

ron_paul_eagle_white_tshirtQuick, let’s brainstorm about the dumbest, most irrelevant data point with which we could attempt to analyze this presidential election!

And while you’re shouting answers at your computer machines, know that nothing you suggest could be as colossally moronic as this: “At CafePress…we have been tracking 2012 election presidential candidate support via The Meter graph.”

By tracking the race, they mean the T-shirt sales from the AOL of online print-on-demand outfits. So who is going to be our next president as foretold by shitty T-shirts? Ron Paul, of course. Unless it’s that NOBAMA fellow, who is now in a dead heat (for CafePress t-shirts sales) with Paul.

The next president either will be the current president or a 70-something backbench Congressman from rural Texas who couldn’t muster a single primary or caucus win in his two consecutive presidential campaigns. Someone go stuff that Nate Silver fellow in a sack with a rabid wolverine and then toss him off a bridge. We no longer need his elitist (gay math) “regression analysis” to understand politics.

“With an average of over 130,000 new designs uploaded every week, CafePress is often seen as a Cultural Barometer®,” writes the Park Avenue-officed PR flunky who spammed media outlets this “story” and also apparently registered “Cultural Barometer,” which CafePress is seen as, as a trademark.

What self-respecting media outlet would fill the ever-shrinking news hole with this PR-troll jibberish? The New York Daily News! Also the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Both papers are very concerned that Willard Mittworth Romney’s lagging T-shirt sales could be a harbinger of doom for the Romney campaign. How will Mittens relate to these “T-shirt Americans” he’s heard so much about from his private tailor? Oh serious journalism, how you fulfill us so.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 69 comments }

Come here a minute June 22, 2012 at 9:35 am

Better data point: How many Osama bin Laden's did they kill?

Doktor Zoom June 22, 2012 at 9:37 am

I support President Three Wolf Moon

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

I'm backing Senator Hello Kitty Ripoff

Serolf_Divad June 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

Sorry, but I'm voting for "I'm with stupid —>"

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:56 am

But third party candidacies are a waste of your vote!

Serolf_Divad June 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

There isn't a dime of difference between Three Wolf Moon and Hello Kitty Ripoff. Two sides of the same coin.

Chow Yun Flat June 22, 2012 at 9:37 am

Someone go stuff that Nate Silver fellow in a sack with a rabid wolverine and then toss him off a bridge.

I feel sorry for the wolverine.

ChernobylSoup June 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

It was a newer wolverine; an outlier, if you will. The wolverine will be placed into context according to what we know, and don't know, about this wolverine. This is a reasonable heuristic method to apply even if you aren’t operating through the formality of a statistical model, and are instead being stuffed into a sack with said wolverine.

Chow Yun Flat June 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

Having run the numbers, a logistic regression confidence interval tells me that Nate Silver will emerge from the sack wearing a wolverine vest.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

This could be like Schroedinger's Wolverine.

James Michael Curley June 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

Somebody has been reading way too much "538" There is a known cure which involves crushing a tablet of Trazodone into a glass of Jim Beam. Or a pint of Ben & Jerry's if you are female.

chascates June 22, 2012 at 9:37 am

Made in the USA? Union made?

Serolf_Divad June 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

It's not really a genuine Ron Paul T-shirt unless it was made on an abandoned oil-rig off the coast of Newfoundland, that was appropriated by a group of squatters who've proclaimed it a sovereign nation to be run under Objectivist laws and principles (no taxes, and lots of weed) and will need to be rescued by the Canadian Coast Guard as soon as cold weather sets in and the first winter storm hits.

Doktor Zoom June 22, 2012 at 9:38 am

I'm With President Stupid

<————-

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:38 am

o/~ Let the Eagle borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!

PuckStopsHere June 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

Doesn't this mean that Sheldon should be President, then?

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

Say, those Romney T shirts are just the right size!

Crank_Tango June 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

My other cafe press t-shirt is magic underoos.

Doktor Zoom June 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

Ron Paul / Snorg Girl 2012!!!!

PhilippePetain June 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

Mmmmm…. snorg girl….

ChernobylSoup June 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

Cafe Press doesn't do polo uniforms, chauffeur sets, or Mexican gardener coveralls, so Mitt's numbers are not accurately represented.

mavenmaven June 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

More like a "Cultural Rectal Themometer®"

Schmannnity June 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

Meanwhile, sales of Katherine Harris push up bras continue to slide while the Chris Christie T-shirt/family tent hold steady.

Guppy June 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

With Kitty Harris, it's hard to tell where push-up bra ends and mom jeans begin.

FraAnima June 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

I won the election and all I got was this stupid t-shirt!

EatsBabyDingos June 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

Googoosh is googooshing.

Guppy June 22, 2012 at 10:18 am

The banner ad she bought on CafePress announced that her shirt was the best-selling CafePress shirt ever!

KennyFuckingPowers June 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

The Shocker!

EatsBabyDingos June 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

Better barometer than the Chris Christie Rectal Thermometer®, "now with public display!"?

SoBeach June 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

Both papers are very concerned that Willard Mittworth Romney’s lagging T-shirt sales could be a harbinger of doom for the Romney campaign.

Not even the people who have supported Romney from the get-go are excited enough about him to wear a Romney t-shirt.

MumbletyRadio June 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

"Heineken Cafe Press?? Fuck that shit. Pabst Blue Ribbon SNORGTEES!!"

SorosBot June 22, 2012 at 9:53 am

But Cafe Press only accepts payment in fake fiat money, not gooooooold!

freakishlywrong June 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

I see a ton of Paulytard bumper stickers around here as well. It takes every ounce of restraint I have not to rear-end them.

FraAnima June 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

I have the same reaction to the Nobama and 'Keep the Change' bumper stickers around here. And I have a lifted 1988 Land Cruiser with an ARB bull bar that could do a really good job at sticker removal.

Doktor Zoom June 22, 2012 at 10:25 am

My '73 Chevy, Vlad the Impala, still has a"Howard Dean For America" sticker on the back bumper.

If I ever do the full restoration, I also have an actual 1972-vintage "I support President Nixon" sticker (complete with CREEP fine print)

Larry McAwful June 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

I live in the Boston area and have seen twice as many Romney stickers on cars as I've seen Herman Cain bumper stickers. I'm not kidding. I drove across the state last weekend and that ratio didn't change much. Except for there being far fewer Herman Cain stickers.

Guppy June 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

Just remember: they believe in free markets too much to have car insurance.

Designer_Radio June 22, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I have to repost this, from my March trip to the south. I wanted to zoom in and get a better shot of the ironically poor person who supports the Hunger Games candidate, but the dude who owns the car came walking out of the store and I didn't want to be the "Gov't surveillance agent who oppresses liberty and libertarians" in his White Christian Male persecution fantasy.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

T-shirts are people too, my friend!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

I would be interested to see a size breakdown comparing Paultard and Obama t-shirt customers.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

Size queen!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

Why is the eagle on that t-shirt not crying?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 10:21 am

It will be when Ron Paul loses…

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 9:59 am

Is it any surprise that Ron Paul's T-shirts are all white? Do they sell hoodies?

freakishlywrong June 22, 2012 at 10:14 am

Hoodies and Skittles are now permanently associated with the Blahs.

actor212 June 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

Even the white hoods????

Jus_Wonderin June 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

Is that Muscular American Eagle? He's hawt!!!

Larry McAwful June 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

What is this mumbo-jumbo? The only true indicator of who our next president is going to be is the sales of the 7-11 presidential coffee cup voting. They haven't been wrong yet!
http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/03/cons

not that Radio June 22, 2012 at 10:15 am
Guppy June 22, 2012 at 10:21 am

Mitt's supporters don't buy their own coffee.

Obama's? Wouldn't be caught dead drinking 7-11 coffee.

johnnyzhivago June 22, 2012 at 10:03 am

With a little bit of creativity, Basil Marceaux can still pull this election off!

randcoolcatdaddy June 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

Paul already won the blimp primary.

qwerty42 June 22, 2012 at 10:14 am

So which shirts with the Wonkette Team™ be wearing at the conventions?

Nesnora June 22, 2012 at 10:16 am

Where are our "doing thr Htiler stompin jig" shirts.

not that Radio June 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

Northern Sun t-shirt sales are obviously biased, and don't represent Real America™.

Doktor Zoom June 22, 2012 at 10:31 am

I'm pretty sure they're the folks who made my "U.S. OUT OF NORTH AMERICA" button bought in 1982.

not that Radio June 22, 2012 at 10:35 am

Awesome. They definitely made my "Chairman Meow" shirt (see chascates's avpic). And one can still purchase the Homeland Security: Fighting Terrorism since 1492 t-shirt.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

With an average of over 130,000 new designs uploaded every week, CafePress is often seen as a Cultural Barometer®

Only if t-shirts are the only things Americans read.

Doktor Zoom June 22, 2012 at 10:38 am

Uh oh.

Dr. Nick Riviera June 22, 2012 at 10:23 am

Will Paul be able to fulfill his presidential duties? He is already president of World of Warcraft.

LagunaB June 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

Don't miss the "Staff Pick" on page 5 of the Obama tee shirts at CafePress web site which reads – If Obama is the answer how stupid is the question. ?? Good one CafePress. How about a tee with RP lossing his eyebrow wig?
Hey Rebecca, I print tees if you need them. Or I can give you the info for LA companies that print at great prices to do it yourselves.

James Michael Curley June 22, 2012 at 11:06 am

In a strange coincidence I am wearing an olive drab T-Shirt to work today. First time working in a shirt without a collar since I was cutting lawns for a living.

barto June 22, 2012 at 11:20 am

Unfortunately they completely missed the data point that for every Ron Paul T-shirt there was a companion order for an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.

iburl June 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

"couldn’t muster a single primary or caucus win in his two consecutive presidential campaigns. "

Actually, he won Louisiana, Minnesota, Maine caucuses this year. He also won the most delegates in Iowa the other day. Plus, he won the cheesecake calendar sales contest on café press.

DahBoner June 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

Libertarian: Someone dumb enough to pay $23 to Cafepress for a $5 T-shirt…

Nostrildamus June 22, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Romney may be behind in campaign T-shirt sales, but he's way ahead in jewel encrusted putters and dildoes.

ttommyunger June 22, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Oddly, all sales so far have been size XXL or larger.

TribecaMike June 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

If CafePress had been around in Michelangelo's day he wouldn't have suffered from chronic back pain.

Come Sherman, into the should have been machine!

Designer_Radio June 22, 2012 at 9:41 pm

So, Ron Paul fans like to wear images of a bald eagle, huh? Remember how DDT almost wiped the species off the face of the earth and Big Gov't regulators decided DDT should not be used anymore to save the bald eagles' shells from being too thin to produce viable chicks?

I knew Paul fans were Statists.

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