choose your own derp

Richard Mourdock Thanks Court For Striking Down Obamacare, Slams Court For Upholding It, Etc.

I hate myselfIndiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, that guy who ended Dick Lugar’s liberal nuke-hating, being-polite-to-Obama political career, is now also “that guy” whose staff accidentally posted all of his response YouTubes to an important event from the future. In this case, the Supreme Court health care decision. They show us how Republicans will respond to any and all decisions, and dare we say that the messages are fairly predictable! If the Court strikes it down, then it’s “Obama’s gonna try to pass it again, stop him”; If the Court upholds it, then it’s “stupid Court, we’ll show you what’s what when we repeal this whole thing in January”; if the Court kicks a decision down the road, then it’s “stupid Court, we’ll show you what’s what when we repeal this whole thing in January.” There’s also one for a “split decision,” by which he seems to mean only certain parts are overturned. Oh crystal ball, which one of the Richard Mourdock YouTubes will prove to be the one, true Richard Mourdock YouTube, and which ones will be thrown in the trash like all those “Patriots beat Giants” souvenirs are the day after each Super Bowl?

Here’s Mourdock sitting in the comedy club from the opening of each Seinfeld, responding to the Supreme Court’s decision to declare a clearly unconstitutional law (that all Republicans supported versions of for 20 years) constitutional. “Well, the Supreme Court has done what none of us really thought could happen.” He’s right, actually, it would be quite rare for this Supreme Court to not randomly strike down something that liberals like:

Next: “We’ve had our brief moment of celebration,” but don’t forget that Obama will now push for “Obamacare 2.0,” this time featuring whips and chains and Sharia and huggable black professors.

No answer? We’ll give you an answer, answerless people!

The liberal Solomons on the Court only overturned part of the law. Can you believe it? They only bothered to ignore 70 years worth of Commerce Clause precedent instead of having the guts to throw the whole thing out for no reason beyond their personal amusement.

At least we now know that Richard Mourdock is a dimension-hopping space witch imbued with the Devil’s Magick. He’d be right at home in the Senate.

[Politico]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Ryy

    I love Wonkette so much! Swoon….

    • Limeylizzie

      We all love the Wonkette, and you, sir or madam-probably madam because "swoon" or the ghey, need to get your "p" score up. Upfists all round ,people! Edited to apologize for the comma coma I was in.

  • Not_So_Much

    Interwebz — how do it work?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      It's a series of boobs.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        A series of boobs using tubes?

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

          Interwebz: The NEW BoobTube

  • Lucidamente1

    In all possible futures, Richard Mourdock is a retard.

    • ttommyunger

      I can't believe this got by the dreaded Administrator! Goodonya!

  • Serolf_Divad
    • Limeylizzie

      That was genius!

    • JoeHoya

      I anxiously await Richard Mourdock's video for when our alien overlords implement a single-payer healthcare system.

  • Beetagger

    Comedy gold here! But if SCOTUS knocks the bill down, I'm all for having a pitchfork party at Scalia's house.

    • vodkamuppet

      Scalia's going to kick soon anyway, let's go to John Roberts house instead.

      • LetUsBray

        I don't know; he seems remarkably healthy for an obese 76-year old tub of evil mixed with lard.

        • Beowoof

          One can always hope for happy events to happen.

        • sullivanst

          Yeah, I know, right? Anyone would think feasting on the souls of society's neediest was the elixir of life.

          • scvirginia

            It doesn't seem to have slowed Cheney down any.

          • sullivanst

            No conscience, no worries.

    • Negropolis

      A pitchfork made out of votes, mais oui!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    This may be the greatest thing ever.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Mittdinger's Dog strikes again. All things are simultaneously true and false.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Orcs be orcing.

  • bumfug

    Wait, where's the one where he sings "Call Me Maybe"?

  • Callyson

    I've heard of preparing for all contingencies, but Jesus…

    • sullivanst

      The fundies are preparing for all contingencies, especially Jesus.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    He's like a retarded Nostradamus.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Excellent.

    • emmelemm

      Ha!

      Good one.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

    At least we now know that Richard Mourdock is a dimension-hopping space witch imbued with the Devil’s Magick. He’d be right at home in the Senate.

    What are you talking about? Christine O'Donnell lost that election.

    Well, in this timeline, at least. Who knows what happened in the darkest timeline. o_O

  • SexySmurf

    This is just poor planning. What if SCOTUS strikes down Obamacare but rules gay marriage mandatory? What if The Supremes uphold Obamacare but declare Ryan Gosling the Sexist Man Alive (suck it, Bradley Cooper)? What if zombie Earl Warren eats Scalia? Richard Mourdock is going to look like an idiot.

    • AncienReggie

      Prediction: Richard Mourdock is going to look like an idiot.

  • coolhandnuke

    All in all
    he's just another
    dick in the wall.

    • flamingpdog

      He's what I find in the toilet at work after I dropped another brick in the stall.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      You give him glory?

      • coolhandnuke

        Yes. A glory hole.

  • Veritas78

    It must be nice to have lots of free time. Maybe I should run for office.

  • Schmannnity

    Correction: I believe his name is spelled Sourdick

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    He's also made videos for alien invasion of earth (one for friendly aliens, and one for aliens who grind humans up to fertilize their red vines)

    • sullivanst

      "I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords"

    • Negropolis

      Mmmm…red vines…delicious.

  • OldWhiteLies

    I want to see what his prerecorded response utube is for the rapture.

    The one that left him behind holding his own wanker, as he contemplates his coming days surrounded by nothing but us heathens.

  • edgydrifter

    If I were an optimist, I'd point out that these videos suggest our Kochlords aren't completely confident that SCOTUS will overturn ACA. But I've never been an optimist, so whatever the outcome I'm pretty sure we're fucked.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Future events such as these will affect you in the future.

    • scvirginia

      Oh, wow- that is SO deep!

  • Generation[redacted]

    I'm waiting for Hologram Tupac to weigh in.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Did you know Hitler made two videos – one for Steiner not being able to get enough forces (used in the Downfall Movie) and one where Steiner beats back the Russians and he declares a holiday and challenges Churchill to a ping-pong match.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Sooooooo?

      Who won the ping pong match?

      • Negropolis

        Why, Communist China, of course.

      • bobbert

        Michelle Malkin?

    • arihaya

      you forget the videos about Fegelein.

  • PsycWench

    I'm awaiting the Supreme Court Dred Scott decision myself.

  • mavenmaven

    Which video will the GOP use at the end of the day? The one with the rifles in it.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Wasn't his nickname in school "Mr. Hypothetical"?

    • scvirginia

      Or Mr, Hypothyroid- one of those…

  • vodkamuppet

    Didn't Stephan Colbert already do this bit for the debates in 2004? Oh, this isn't a joke. Oooh….

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    what kind of asshole goes up 4 times at a Ft. Wayne Open Mic night?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Whereas Mitt's response will be the same regardless of the Supreme Court's decision — that they were just taking his advice all along.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "I'll take a lot of the credit for that."

      Mitt will run this no matter what happens, and no matter what the issue is. He will be mocked when he runs it after the outbreak of nuclear war.

  • savethispatient

    Start a petition to demand that your Congressperson holds up today's newspaper on their YouTube videos today!

    • scvirginia

      And they'd better not be Kenyan newspapers with Obama birth announcements…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What is this "newspaper" of which you speak? Inquiring teabaggers want to know.

  • StanleyPain2

    "Goddamn activist judges!!!!"
    "But sir, they ruled in your favor."
    "Oh..uh..I mean….uh…THIS IS A TRIUMPH FOR OUR FOUNDING FATHERS AND THE CONSTITUTION AND THE BABY JESUS.."
    "..but there are some things they didn't quite do, they…"
    "ACTIVIST LIBERAL JUDGES ERODING THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE WITH GAY SEX!"

  • chascates

    This is like one of those BBC cop dramas where someone gets shot and goes back in time to solve murder mysteries. In fact most BBC shows in America seem to be about someone solving murders. Great Britain must be the most violent place in the world.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe
    • flamingpdog

      I think Cabot Cove still holds that title.

      • LetUsBray

        I always thought it was weird that no one ever questioned the old lady who was somehow always around when someone turned up dead.

    • sullivanst

      Unlike TV here (CSI, the other CSI, the other other CSI, Law & Order, the other Law & Order, the other other Law & Order, Criminal Minds, The First 48, Dateline, blahblahblah)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Great Britain is where murders are events worthy of detailed investigation. In the US, we barely have time to add them up.

  • Antispandex

    " They show us how Republicans will respond to any and all decisions…."

    Tears. There will be tears. Either tears of joy, or just tears, but tears. And whining.

    • MoeDeLawn

      true. They are the sorest fucking winners ever.

  • barto

    As his flag lapel pin gently weeps…

  • RayneMan

    In the Multiverse, all of the videos are correct.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The Repubelicans have a post-Higgs boson super duper pooper scooper symmetry theory? Who knew? What about the Flying Spaghetti Monster's super stringies?

    • Exhausted66
      • RayneMan

        Yup. Something like that.

  • ShreditorsDesk

    I have a prediction of my own. I predict his voters will never know of this folly, since they don't have the interwebs.

  • Fairtackle

    One of the first against the wall when the revolution comes…

    • Tundra Grifter

      Usually when a guy is standing in front of a wall like that he's wearing a blindfold and smoking his last cigarette.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Up against the wall you teabag mothers

  • scvirginia

    By the way, Happy Midsummer's Eve, y'all!

  • Ducksworthy

    TimeTravel eh. As I recall, the Mourdocks were the hideous subterranean creatures who ate the blithe and ignorant hippies of the future in the Time Machine movie. Richard better be careful how far into the future he goes. He wouldn't want to try and subsist on a diet of flower children!

  • MissTaken

    This is nothing. He's also got 13,000,000 YouTube clips of next week's lottery numbers.

    • Tundra Grifter

      WIN !1!

      • scvirginia

        I second that emotion! Or emoticon?

  • Extemporanus

    SPOILER ALERT?!!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I asked him to do one of Coke versus Pepsi.

  • Exhausted66

    If he finds out about this, he's going to be Howlin' Mad.

    • sullivanst

      I ain't legislatin' with no crazy fool!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Bitch, please. There was a curtain in the background of the opening bit to every Seinfeld episode. A red velvet curtain.

    • SorosBot

      And it wasn't the opening of every episode! They dropped the stand-up bits later in the show's run.

      • anniegetyerfun

        It's actually entirely possible that there was once a brick background occasionally. I never watched.

    • Exhausted66

      Plus, Jerry used a microphone so you could hear him.

  • Tundra Grifter

    This is like those touts who offer you the winner of the Super Bowl – and will refund your money if the prediction doesn't come true.

    They just send half the suckers the name of one team and half the suckers the name of the other team.

    • sullivanst

      More interesting move would probably be to send everyone the same name, wait for the odds to be distorted, and bet some proportion of the proceeds on the other team. Saving at least enough for your ticket to Youllneverseemeagain, of course ;)

    • Chichikovovich

      Get a big enough pool of suckers (tea party mailing lists, for example) and you can make some *really* serious coin. Tell them that to prove your reliability, you'll give the first two picks free. Then do the divide in half and then divide that in half – still a lot of suckers and they've just won two bets. So they have cash and they think you're psychic. Divide the remaining list in half – one team to one half, other team to the other, and this time charge a hefty fee. [Of course with the money-back Guarantee, what the hell – no point in having angry losers come after you for a refund, maybe with lawyers sniffing around.] Refund to the losers and discard that list, increase the fee to the winners, and divide the winner list in half… As you keep dividing lists by two, you keep getting people who are more and more flush with cash from bets, and more and more convinced that you are infallible: after all, haven't you just predicted correctly n times in a row? …. Eventually, of course, you run out of suckers, but what a profitable ride it will be.

      • Tundra Grifter

        That's the play – every time you split the list you double the price.

        I was too lazy to type out the Long Form Scam.

        Thank you.

        PS: Giving the losers the 100% refund is a very good idea. Actually, on the last go around – since you are going to close the store – you can offer a 110% refund and still make coin.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Even a blind squirrel gets a nut all the time.

  • flamingpdog

    Hickory Dick Mourdock,
    Your mouth around Koch's cock.
    That cock sucked once,
    Then on to Luntz.
    Hickory Dick Mourdock.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Three different videos saying three different things about one issue?

    Mitt Romney says that's a good start for a beginner.

    • sullivanst

      The Romney intermediate course of course teaches how to say them all in just one video, the advanced course will have you merging them into a single sentence.

  • SorosBot

    But what if it turns out Justice Alito was really the smoke monster and Scalia has actually been dead all along and the Court jumps back in time to the 70s while the sideways-universe Court is actually purgatory and that part is really stupid and almost everybody dies in the last few sessions?

    • BarackMyWorld

      You Lost me.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Sigh… I better prepare some youtube responses to the inevitable series reboot.

    • scvirginia

      I thought Ginsburg was the smoke monster? I haz a confused…

    • MissTaken

      I know I can't wait to see Kennedy in a Dharma jumpsuit….rawr!

    • Negropolis

      Just someone reminding me of Lost makes me simultaneously angry and sad. It's funny how they created the Jacob sub-plot way near the beginning, brought it up to a feverish pitch near the end, and then just dropped it as totally inconsequential to the story at the very end. I had a bad feeling not even halfway into the last season that they were going to do that.

  • scvirginia

    I just wish they had shown the video of him shuffling, then reading his tarot cards before each clip…

  • TribecaMike

    Sadly, over the next thirty years he's going to keep adding deleted scenes, tons of CGI and a meandering Boba Fett subplot, and everyone will hate his guts for ruining their cherished childhood memories.

    • Negropolis

      George Lucas FTW.

  • mcrummett

    Bet, meet Hedge.

  • ttommyunger

    I see dumb people.

  • owhatever

    What a shrewd man he is, looking into the future with such laser precision.

  • redarmybarbie

    Can anyone get a hold of Doctor Who? Methinks the alternate timelines are collapsing in on each other again…

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Decisions have been made. Yay decisions!!

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    It really has been one of the more brilliant long ball strategies for the Dems — to salt GOP campaigns with carefully trained "incompetent" Aides. That's how we kept Joe Plumber from taking the stage with McCain late in the '08 race. The one here, though, with Mourdock, must have chickened out on the old "Doing great, Dick! Almost all in one take! Hey, how's about we shoot a few with you playing a flaming Liberal, just for larfs, what say?".

  • Awful People

    I just bought that tie for $16 on Amazon. Do I burn it or use it in some kind of demonic ritual intended to force Mr. Mourdock (or is it…Mordordock?) to say more things he means.

    It is the cruelest of rituals.

  • doloras

    Mourdock? He was the crazy fool from the A-Team, right?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    With his excellent sense of prognostication, he would be a fantastic addition to the Romney campaign, with the "Have It Both Ways" and "Etch-A-Sketch" dudes.

  • arihaya

    shit this is like that movie Groundhog Days, where the main character doing thing repeatedly infinitely

  • Soylent Green

    And all four end with 'G'night you're a great audience. Be sure to tip your waitress'.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Mourdock: Murdock + MODOK+Morlock. What a fuk up.

  • Negropolis

    Shorter Morlock: Dewey Defeats Truman

  • lochnessmonster

    But did he give these addresses using a TelePrompTer?

    • TribecaMike

      Sundial.