this one's for the ladies

Here Are The Hottest Conservative Men To Judge The 20 Hottest Conservative Women

All of them, KatieIt seems like only this afternoon that we were gazing in awe and wonder on the cartoon peepers (and maybe a little tits and ass) of the 20 hottest chicks in conservative media. How do the men in the office all manage to get any work done, are we right bros? Hubba hubba hubba bork bork bork.

But then we wondered: What men would even be qualified to judge the comparable hotness of slinky minx Ann Coulter as compared to whoever the rest of them were? And could we rank the men who judged the hottest conservative women by the hotness they themselves evince? OF COURSE NOT, men are to be judged on the quality of their work, IDIOT. We couldn’t find Steven Crowder? Maybe he is super hot? We did not leave him out on purpose! Steven Crowder, please send us a glamour shot! Eric Morris from Misfit Politics? We couldn’t find you either! Send us a pic, for us to fap to!

And now, without further ado, we present to you the seven hottest conservative men to judge the 20 hottest conservative women in media! And UPDATE to be TOTALLY CLEAR: These are the men who sat on the panel and judged the hottest conservative women contest. And without further ado again


Here is Quin Hillyer, American Spectator and super hotty.

And here is John Hinderaker. Would you send John Hinderaker to the reeducation camps for wearing glasses, ladies? No you would not!

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Here’s John Hawkins! He automatically almost wins for having once stood next to Ana Marie Cox.

Ali Akbar from Vice and Victory and National Bloggers Club. Er …


Dustin Stockton from The Tea Party.net. Look how saucy, like a young Marcus Bachmann! Rowr!

Erik Telford from the Franklin Center. Hotty McMmmmmm! Mama likes a man who likes his meat and taters!

And the winner is … Lee Stranahan from Breitbart, because he looks like he could score us some biker meth.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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187 comments

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know, but if the price is right, they have their chance with Lindsay Lohan, these days, poor thing.

    1. Larry McAwful

      I wish I had. Now I have to go get the J. Crew catalogue out of my wife's office and get myself back in the mood…

      1. HippieEsq

        I know right? This guy must be blind and deaf (what, I'm muslim?") or possibly a plant by CAIR.

  1. Doktor Zoom

    Is it fair to simply show their photos? As conservative men, surely their hawtness is measured in terms of a complex formula that considers their annual income, the fervor with which they've fellated Grover Norquist, and the number of times they've invoked Reagan in their blogs?

    1. Callyson

      Yes, but those matters should only be discussed in a quiet room, far from the unwashed masses.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      DZ:

      No, it's not fair to show their photos. People on the Internets don't show actual photos of themselves. That's kinda the whole idea. Isn't it?

    1. GhostBuggy

      No, frat guys generally seem to be into playing sports and stuff, don't they? The only event any of these guys are winning is a pie-eating contest.

      1. Guppy

        Dustin Stockton and especially Erik Telford look like the type who'd say "My dad owns a dealership" all too often, though.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          "My dad's an important guy. He owns 2 dealerships on the Motor Mile."
          An actual statement I've overheard someone say in real life.

        2. GhostBuggy

          If this is referencing what I think it's referencing, can we send these assholes to the moon then?

      2. Negropolis

        Well, frat guys do play sports, but they are also the ones that seem to balloon in weight as soon as they leave college (and often before).

        1. tessiee

          "balloon in weight as soon as they leave college (and often before)."

          Alcohol has got lots of calories. Lots of alcohol has got lots and lots of calories.

    1. Callyson

      Only if the plan was intended to include the menfolk. We wommenz, on the other hand, are wondering how fluid our sexual orientation might be after all after seeing these photos…

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Nesnora:

      So, does that look like the police lineup after your date with the Libertarian?

      1. Nesnora

        Almost. Same feathered hair-bangs, same… roundish…ness…

        Mine had just a bit more hairspray, fake tanner and a crazy glint in his eye…

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Nesnora: Call me old fashioned, but I have one word of dating advice.

          "Lunch."

          Lunch is the best first date. It has a beginning and an end. Home run or swing and a miss – it's only an hour or so.

          Even at it the worst you'll still get to eat lunch, which you're probably gonna be doing anyway.

          From the gentleman's perspective, you can keep a lid on the tab. Nothing like going to a bar on the first date and the young lady orders a Baileys' Cream with a Grand Marnier float.

          1. tessiee

            Meeting for coffee works, too.
            It's cheap, it's casual, it's in an open public location in case your date is a serial killer, and it's easy for almost everybody in the world to find a nearby Starbuck's (or other coffee shop).

          2. Tundra Grifter

            tessiee:

            That certainly can work. But it lacks the finite end that lunch automatically includes.

            Hey – say things are going great. It will only make the second date that much better if things ended too soon on the first one.

            Starbucks, bars, pubs, etc. are ok but lunch has the all-important exit strategy.

            Besides – there's never been a Walk of Shame from lunch.

            Well, almost never. Unless they met at the hot tubs for a Nooner…

  2. coolhandnuke

    Except for the meth biker, every last one of these specimens–in their youth– must have had their cut by Mitt Romney & Sons.

  3. edgydrifter

    1. Isaac Asimov's cousin's nephew
    2. Not-yet-convicted pedophile
    3. John Candy in Cool Runnings
    4. Skesis!
    5. John Candy on the cover of Tiger Beat
    6. A leering mound of ham-flavored taffy
    7. Amercia's vagrant philosopher king

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      No. 7 hah! He looks a bit like too stereotypical, doesn't he? Looks like that picture was snapped of him in action at his bomb shelter while he was pondering over which cheap wine to soak in while reading his well-used copy of the "Turner Diaries", doesn't he? What's up with Ali Akhbar there? I know muslim fundies become terrorists over remaining as virgins for FAR TOO long but he looks like he's not even trying to get laid.

      1. tessiee

        "he looks like he's not even trying to get laid."

        If you were existing on 200 calories a day, you wouldn't have much libido, either.

    2. bikerlaureate

      I am extremely jealous of these artfully selected words: "A leering mound of ham-flavored taffy."

      1. tessiee

        Not least because anyone who invents *actual* ham-flavored taffy will become a billionaire and win the Nobel Prize.

  4. barto

    Well at least Lee had the common courtesy to send you a glam shot taken at the studio in the back of his trailer home, or wherever that is (Arby's?).

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — that looks like a random sampling of people in the Los Angeles Greyhound station.

  6. supernoun

    They're so hot, you guys. Just look at them. Don't you want to fornicate madly, just from the pictures?

        1. scvirginia

          Well, yes, but then the others get jealous & start complaining about reverse discrimination…

  7. MumbletyRadio

    Poor misunderstood conserva-dorks. If only Hollywood realized this "Right-Makes-Might"* geek appeal is the missing ingredient that could make The Bachelor a tad infinitely more interesting.

    *or something

    1. Callyson

      I hope the hookers all have disability insurance–they may not be able to continue in their profession if they get one of these guys as a client…

    2. tessiee

      *motions Antispandex over*
      *lowers voice*
      It's actually a bit of a scam, because the girls would be willing to whip and beat those guys for free.

  8. SexySmurf

    Is it just me or does Lee Stranahan look like man who owns a very large collection of amateur porn?

  9. Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    so we're looking at the actual guys who listed their favorite fap targets?

  10. Hammiepants

    Hahaha, you KNOW Lee Stranahan lives in a trailer with a bunch of dead cars scattered around, which he calls "the compound". Also probs lights fires in people's mailboxes (the mail is SOCIALIST!)

  11. ElPinche

    All these men look like they wear toddler boys as feed bags.
    That includes John Hawkins even though I'm a huuuuuuge John Candy fan.

  12. PuckStopsHere

    Jeff Gannon. Where in the hell is Jeff Gannon? The list starts…and ends right there with that magic name.

  13. owhatever

    Ann Coulter is in the list for hottest WOMEN, and then he doesn't make the list for hottest MEN. Something doesn't smell right.

    1. rmjagg

      one should never use the words ' ann coulter ' and ' smell ' in the same sentence . but he should have made this list anyway …

  14. coolhandnuke

    Attention Tampa hookers: memorize these faces, in a few months they will be seeking your services.

  15. Extemporanus

    We couldn’t find Steven Crowder? Maybe he is super hot?

    Raquel, did you try doing a Google image search for "Steven Crowder"?

    [Fuck you, IntenseDebate. Fuck you right in the code.

    ADDING: What tbogg said ^^^ times Axe.]

  16. ManchuCandidate

    Onan List to rule them all, Onan List to find them,
    Onan List to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
    In the Land of Chronic Masturbatia where the Kleenx lie.

  17. BobbySilverman

    Here's Steven Crowder. He's the lead "rapper" in this video. BONUS: it features No. 1 conservative hottie Dana Loesch as a skunk (the 2nd "rapper" is her overgrown frat boy husband, Chris)

    Among his fellow 'judges', Crowder is like if you mixed Brad Pitt and like, Johnny Depp and then like totally added some Robert Pattinson. Soooooo hawt, you guys!
    http://hotair.com/archives/2012/02/11/video-crowd

  18. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    How many of these guys fap to a picture of Ayn Rand with Lindsey Graham's head super-imposed on her shoulders daily?

    1. rmjagg

      they are virtually identical as it is , yet one of them is dead . can't remember which is which …

  19. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Rebecca your large funbags keep me from getting angry about A) Wonkette not stopping in Portland in spite of the super gay police and ample supplies of weed and B) you leaving Beckers, Limpballs and Hannitized for rent boys protection off this list. Every one of those turds blog, allegedly….so, like I said large funbags= no anger. Let this be a lesson to you all!

  20. barto

    I'm gonna go with bachelor #4 (they are all bachelors, no?), the blah. Always good to have blah in the mix, and once you go blah, you neva go bah.

  21. Dashboard Buddha

    I'm surprised they didn't ask Cal Thomas…oh wait, no I'm not. Had they asked him, he would have cried out at the way the men were treating the fairer sex and then drive away in his Duryea motor car.

  22. imissopus

    Anyone want to place bets on the collective number of actual human females this bunch of nitwits has ever had sex with? I'm putting it at 1 and taking the under.

  23. Callyson

    Yikes! I got her mixed up with those crazies at Smart Girl Politics!

    Ana, please please forgive me…deleting the errant post now…

  24. not that Radio

    What was that website that consisted almost entirely of dudes constantly showing webcam vids of their penises? I am reminded of that for some reason.

  25. ttommyunger

    Something is definitely wrong when Anna Marie has the smallest set of ta-tas in the group.

  26. redarmybarbie

    The only one there who didn't set off my Pod-Person alarm was Stranahan, and only because he's giving off some strong Unabomber vibes…

  27. fivespot

    Gain a bunch of weight, stop masturbating, get a bad haircut, a bad shirt, practice your goofy, guilty grin and bang, just like that, you're on some sort of Republican panel!

    1. MOG2410

      Like a lot of conferences I attend. There must be a factory somewhere stamping out replicas.

  28. calliecallie

    Thank you, Wonkette. FYI, the AARP magazine has pics of 20 hottest guys over 50, and they are so much more hawtest! George Clooney, Viggo, and some non-movie stars too. I'd include the link by my office has blocked the page. That's how hot they are, those old guys!

  29. HuddledMass

    These specimens, with the possible exception of Stranahan, could not survive in the wild. I'm guessing they subsist on wingnut welfare or mommy's dime. And mating opportunities sans roofies = nonexistent.

  30. Edith_Prickly

    oh Gawd, there's not enough brain bleach in the world to erase those images. Curse you, Wonkette!

Comments are closed.