this one's for the ladies

Here Are The Hottest Conservative Men To Judge The 20 Hottest Conservative Women

All of them, KatieIt seems like only this afternoon that we were gazing in awe and wonder on the cartoon peepers (and maybe a little tits and ass) of the 20 hottest chicks in conservative media. How do the men in the office all manage to get any work done, are we right bros? Hubba hubba hubba bork bork bork.

But then we wondered: What men would even be qualified to judge the comparable hotness of slinky minx Ann Coulter as compared to whoever the rest of them were? And could we rank the men who judged the hottest conservative women by the hotness they themselves evince? OF COURSE NOT, men are to be judged on the quality of their work, IDIOT. We couldn’t find Steven Crowder? Maybe he is super hot? We did not leave him out on purpose! Steven Crowder, please send us a glamour shot! Eric Morris from Misfit Politics? We couldn’t find you either! Send us a pic, for us to fap to!

And now, without further ado, we present to you the seven hottest conservative men to judge the 20 hottest conservative women in media! And UPDATE to be TOTALLY CLEAR: These are the men who sat on the panel and judged the hottest conservative women contest. And without further ado again


Here is Quin Hillyer, American Spectator and super hotty.

And here is John Hinderaker. Would you send John Hinderaker to the reeducation camps for wearing glasses, ladies? No you would not!

Here’s John Hawkins! He automatically almost wins for having once stood next to Ana Marie Cox.

Ali Akbar from Vice and Victory and National Bloggers Club. Er …


Dustin Stockton from The Tea Party.net. Look how saucy, like a young Marcus Bachmann! Rowr!

Erik Telford from the Franklin Center. Hotty McMmmmmm! Mama likes a man who likes his meat and taters!

And the winner is … Lee Stranahan from Breitbart, because he looks like he could score us some biker meth.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  • nounverb911

    Which one's dating Lindsey Graham?

    • timbo71351

      All of 'em Katie.

      • nounverb911

        Sometime it's just too easy.

    • rmjagg

      all of 'em

    • Negropolis

      I don't know, but if the price is right, they have their chance with Lindsay Lohan, these days, poor thing.

  • Callyson

    Thank God I took my masturbation break *before* checking in with Wonkette…

    • Larry McAwful

      I wish I had. Now I have to go get the J. Crew catalogue out of my wife's office and get myself back in the mood…

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Ali Akbar has that zombie chic.

    • Generation[redacted]

      brains…. braaaains… conservatards need braaaaaaaiiiiins…

    • Blueb4sunrise
    • doloras

      Why hasn't Pam Geller put him in Guantánamo yet?

      • HippieEsq

        I know right? This guy must be blind and deaf (what, I'm muslim?") or possibly a plant by CAIR.

  • coolhandnuke

    Has young blue teeth Dustin Stockton been going down on Phyliss Schlafly?

    • mannacler

      What does old cooch taste like? Depends.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        ew? also.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      ew?

    • Tommy1733

      HOW AM I GOING TO UNTHINK THAT??? curses.

  • Tommmcattt

    Ugly goes to the bone, don't it?

  • fartknocker

    Dustin took my Gaydar to Defcon 1.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Like it really needed to say he was a tea partier.

      • HogeyeGrex

        I think "teabagger" might be more apt in this case.

  • Billmatic

    I am a fat man. I am sad and I am fat.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        !! Yay !! My favorite line from all of the 3.5 million Simpsons episodes.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Is being a Stage 4 Alcoholic a requirement to work at/for Breitbart?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Yes.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      I believe they offer on the job training

    • Geminisunmars

      No, but it helps.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      What's a stage fourhic! alcoholic?

  • nonbeliever7

    But….they have great personalities, right?

    • scvirginia

      No.

    • rmjagg

      great personalities for what ?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      …if you like to talk about donuts all day.

    • not that Radio

      That was a typo. You meant to type "grave personality disorders".

    • redarmybarbie

      PHFFFfffthaHAA-HA-haha, ha-HA…
      *gasp*
      …ha-HAAAA-HAAAha-haaaaaaaa…

  • Doktor Zoom

    Is it fair to simply show their photos? As conservative men, surely their hawtness is measured in terms of a complex formula that considers their annual income, the fervor with which they've fellated Grover Norquist, and the number of times they've invoked Reagan in their blogs?

    • Callyson

      Yes, but those matters should only be discussed in a quiet room, far from the unwashed masses.

    • Tundra Grifter

      DZ:

      No, it's not fair to show their photos. People on the Internets don't show actual photos of themselves. That's kinda the whole idea. Isn't it?

  • Fairtackle

    I am guessing most of these guys would rather be judging 15 yo boys.

  • Guppy

    I see the frat boy constituency is well represented.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Same for the fart boy constituency.

    • GhostBuggy

      No, frat guys generally seem to be into playing sports and stuff, don't they? The only event any of these guys are winning is a pie-eating contest.

      • Guppy

        Dustin Stockton and especially Erik Telford look like the type who'd say "My dad owns a dealership" all too often, though.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          "My dad's an important guy. He owns 2 dealerships on the Motor Mile."
          An actual statement I've overheard someone say in real life.

        • GhostBuggy

          If this is referencing what I think it's referencing, can we send these assholes to the moon then?

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Lard ass! Lard ass! Lard ass! Lard ass!
        Chow Down, Wide Load!

      • Negropolis

        Well, frat guys do play sports, but they are also the ones that seem to balloon in weight as soon as they leave college (and often before).

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          The best reason to go to a reunion.

          • Larry McAwful

            …or join Facebook.

        • tessiee

          "balloon in weight as soon as they leave college (and often before)."

          Alcohol has got lots of calories. Lots of alcohol has got lots and lots of calories.

    • tessiee

      At least Neidermeyer was attractive.

  • bumfug

    If this is part of your master plan to turn straight guys gay…you lose.

    • Callyson

      Only if the plan was intended to include the menfolk. We wommenz, on the other hand, are wondering how fluid our sexual orientation might be after all after seeing these photos…

  • Generation[redacted]

    Those conservative women must be feeling so sexy right about now.

  • Nesnora

    I love you, Wonkette.

    • emmelemm

      +1,000

    • Tundra Grifter

      Nesnora:

      So, does that look like the police lineup after your date with the Libertarian?

      • Nesnora

        Almost. Same feathered hair-bangs, same… roundish…ness…

        Mine had just a bit more hairspray, fake tanner and a crazy glint in his eye…

        • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

          May the jury please hand over the verdict?

          (opens folded paper)

          Guilty as charged!

        • Tundra Grifter

          Nesnora: Call me old fashioned, but I have one word of dating advice.

          "Lunch."

          Lunch is the best first date. It has a beginning and an end. Home run or swing and a miss – it's only an hour or so.

          Even at it the worst you'll still get to eat lunch, which you're probably gonna be doing anyway.

          From the gentleman's perspective, you can keep a lid on the tab. Nothing like going to a bar on the first date and the young lady orders a Baileys' Cream with a Grand Marnier float.

          • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

            There is even a website for it http://www.itsjustlunch.com/

            I do agree with TG. Lunch is the best way to deal with blind dates.

          • tessiee

            Meeting for coffee works, too.
            It's cheap, it's casual, it's in an open public location in case your date is a serial killer, and it's easy for almost everybody in the world to find a nearby Starbuck's (or other coffee shop).

          • Tundra Grifter

            tessiee:

            That certainly can work. But it lacks the finite end that lunch automatically includes.

            Hey – say things are going great. It will only make the second date that much better if things ended too soon on the first one.

            Starbucks, bars, pubs, etc. are ok but lunch has the all-important exit strategy.

            Besides – there's never been a Walk of Shame from lunch.

            Well, almost never. Unless they met at the hot tubs for a Nooner…

  • coolhandnuke

    Except for the meth biker, every last one of these specimens–in their youth– must have had their cut by Mitt Romney & Sons.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      wut cut

      • MissTaken

        foreskin?

        • redarmybarbie

          I was thinking the Cerebral Cortex myself.

  • edgydrifter

    1. Isaac Asimov's cousin's nephew
    2. Not-yet-convicted pedophile
    3. John Candy in Cool Runnings
    4. Skesis!
    5. John Candy on the cover of Tiger Beat
    6. A leering mound of ham-flavored taffy
    7. Amercia's vagrant philosopher king

    • Tundra Grifter

      #2, Tom DeLay in glasses.

      #3 – Great call!

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      No. 7 hah! He looks a bit like too stereotypical, doesn't he? Looks like that picture was snapped of him in action at his bomb shelter while he was pondering over which cheap wine to soak in while reading his well-used copy of the "Turner Diaries", doesn't he? What's up with Ali Akhbar there? I know muslim fundies become terrorists over remaining as virgins for FAR TOO long but he looks like he's not even trying to get laid.

      • tessiee

        "he looks like he's not even trying to get laid."

        If you were existing on 200 calories a day, you wouldn't have much libido, either.

    • bikerlaureate

      I am extremely jealous of these artfully selected words: "A leering mound of ham-flavored taffy."

      • tessiee

        Not least because anyone who invents *actual* ham-flavored taffy will become a billionaire and win the Nobel Prize.

  • barto

    Well at least Lee had the common courtesy to send you a glam shot taken at the studio in the back of his trailer home, or wherever that is (Arby's?).

  • scvirginia

    Smug is not hawt! Warez my refund?!

  • supernoun

    Voodoo Hot-onomics, you mean?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — that looks like a random sampling of people in the Los Angeles Greyhound station.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      funny how they're all in the mens room

  • supernoun

    They're so hot, you guys. Just look at them. Don't you want to fornicate madly, just from the pictures?

  • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

    I laughed out loud when I saw this post. BEST!

  • RedneckMuslin

    Ali Akbar is a conservative? Betcha he gets profiled at every meeting.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Shhhh… Don't tell Pamela Geller.

    • scvirginia

      Yes- he especially likes the strip search part…

      • redarmybarbie

        Really? I'd have thought it'd be the body-cavity search…

        • scvirginia

          Well, yes, but then the others get jealous & start complaining about reverse discrimination…

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyRadio

    Poor misunderstood conserva-dorks. If only Hollywood realized this "Right-Makes-Might"* geek appeal is the missing ingredient that could make The Bachelor a tad infinitely more interesting.

    *or something

  • Antispandex

    Good lord! No wonder these guys have to pay for it!

    • Callyson

      I hope the hookers all have disability insurance–they may not be able to continue in their profession if they get one of these guys as a client…

    • tessiee

      *motions Antispandex over*
      *lowers voice*
      It's actually a bit of a scam, because the girls would be willing to whip and beat those guys for free.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Stockton and Telford–definitely a unit.

  • SexySmurf

    Is it just me or does Lee Stranahan look like man who owns a very large collection of amateur porn?

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      Most of it stars him masturbating. Alone.

    • BobbySilverman

      Actually, he shoots and sells his own amateur porn. NO JOKE. See here. (NTSF) http://img837.imageshack.us/img837/324/deviantlee

      • redarmybarbie

        I don't care what you say, I am NOT clicking on that link!

        • MOG2410

          my eyessssssssssssssssss!

      • tessiee

        This is me registering absolutely no surprise.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    so we're looking at the actual guys who listed their favorite fap targets?

  • Extemporanus

    Penis wept.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Oh, I say. Well done!

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Not yet.

    • redarmybarbie

      Mmmmmight wanna get that checked out…

  • Antispandex

    Ana's the one with balls.

  • Hammiepants

    Hahaha, you KNOW Lee Stranahan lives in a trailer with a bunch of dead cars scattered around, which he calls "the compound". Also probs lights fires in people's mailboxes (the mail is SOCIALIST!)

  • Sue4466

    Huh, looking at these men you'd think they'd be in no position to judge . . .

  • Estproph

    Why is Lewis Black the first guy on this list?!

    • tessiee

      Being a self-parody isn't the same thing as being intentionally funny.

  • Not_So_Much

    I'm not gay. But now, I'll never even be curious.

  • TribecaMike

    Ana Marie Cox knows Big Al Anderson circa 1970? Well, la de da!

  • ElPinche

    All these men look like they wear toddler boys as feed bags.
    That includes John Hawkins even though I'm a huuuuuuge John Candy fan.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Jeff Gannon. Where in the hell is Jeff Gannon? The list starts…and ends right there with that magic name.

    • scvirginia

      If that even IS his magic name…

  • Guppy

    To cleanse the visual palette: BABY KITTENS! BABY KITTENS! BABY KITTENS!

    • MissTaken

      Bless you!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Thank you. After that, my visual palette needs a cleansing.

  • owhatever

    Ann Coulter is in the list for hottest WOMEN, and then he doesn't make the list for hottest MEN. Something doesn't smell right.

    • mannacler

      The size of the Coulter member is off-putting for conservative women.

    • Limeylizzie

      That would be Ann Coulter's cooter that doesn't smell right, because it's a dick.

    • rmjagg

      one should never use the words ' ann coulter ' and ' smell ' in the same sentence . but he should have made this list anyway …

    • MissTaken

      Something doesn't smell right because Summer's Eve does not work on penis.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Coulter.

  • tbogg

    If you haven't seen Crowder … let's just say he reeks of "Pocketful of roofies"

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    I have never clicked on READ MORE with quite so much trepidation.

    • rmjagg

      you knew better . i knew better . we all knew better …

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Then we click on READ MORE and it doesn't get better.

  • coolhandnuke

    Attention Tampa hookers: memorize these faces, in a few months they will be seeking your services.

  • Extemporanus

    We couldn’t find Steven Crowder? Maybe he is super hot?

    Raquel, did you try doing a Google image search for "Steven Crowder"?

    [Fuck you, IntenseDebate. Fuck you right in the code.

    ADDING: What tbogg said ^^^ times Axe.]

  • MarieDeGournay

    So many big fat white heads.

    • TribecaMike

      That explains why they don't like to be hugged.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Needz moar zombie Breitbart.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    C.mon ladeeeeeees. Use your imagination.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1h8CMNv-IlU&fe

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Onan List to rule them all, Onan List to find them,
    Onan List to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
    In the Land of Chronic Masturbatia where the Kleenx lie.

  • TribecaMike

    Is Arnaud de Borchgrave too intellectual for 'em? http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AX7dM1Etnr4/T9suEGG40vI

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    And these fuckers wonder why stories about the "War on Women" persist.

  • BobbySilverman

    Here's Steven Crowder. He's the lead "rapper" in this video. BONUS: it features No. 1 conservative hottie Dana Loesch as a skunk (the 2nd "rapper" is her overgrown frat boy husband, Chris)

    Among his fellow 'judges', Crowder is like if you mixed Brad Pitt and like, Johnny Depp and then like totally added some Robert Pattinson. Soooooo hawt, you guys!
    http://hotair.com/archives/2012/02/11/video-crowd

    • BlueStateLibel

      Wow, the kids are gonna love that!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Wait, that last guy looks like some dude I met in the Port Authority.

  • LionHeartSoyDog

    Also. i did not know that Sweet Ana Marie knew John Candy when he was 16.

  • mavenmaven

    The GOP: Boobs and Moobs.

    • MOG2410

      Indeed.

  • Willardbot9000_V2.5

    How many of these guys fap to a picture of Ayn Rand with Lindsey Graham's head super-imposed on her shoulders daily?

    • rmjagg

      they are virtually identical as it is , yet one of them is dead . can't remember which is which …

    • redarmybarbie

      All of them, Katie?

  • PhilippePetain

    Dude, Stranahan looks just like Frank Sobotka!

  • Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Rebecca your large funbags keep me from getting angry about A) Wonkette not stopping in Portland in spite of the super gay police and ample supplies of weed and B) you leaving Beckers, Limpballs and Hannitized for rent boys protection off this list. Every one of those turds blog, allegedly….so, like I said large funbags= no anger. Let this be a lesson to you all!

  • Limeylizzie

    Let me peel my moistened love-ditch off the computer screen

    • rmjagg

      eww yuck . ahahahahahahahahahaha

    • Guppy

      No no, the slash fanfic forum is that-a-way.

    • frostbitefalls

      Lizzie, you are my new feminist role-model!

      • Limeylizzie

        Thanks so very much!

    • bikerlaureate

      Best use of eighteen letters and a hyphen EVAR.

      • Limeylizzie

        That hyphen was a keeper.

    • MOG2410

      Here's hoping it was worth it! Now clean off the screen.

  • TootsStansbury

    Am I the only one who read Quin Hitler instead of Quin Hillyer?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      you are not alone

  • barto

    I'm gonna go with bachelor #4 (they are all bachelors, no?), the blah. Always good to have blah in the mix, and once you go blah, you neva go bah.

  • chascates

    And all of them have a sticky picture of S.E. Cupp in their bed side drawer.

  • Katydid

    I love you Rebecca!

  • rmjagg

    they have forgotten diaper vitter ….

  • Dashboard Buddha

    What if it's pudgy white dudes all the way down?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I'm surprised they didn't ask Cal Thomas…oh wait, no I'm not. Had they asked him, he would have cried out at the way the men were treating the fairer sex and then drive away in his Duryea motor car.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Anyone want to place bets on the collective number of actual human females this bunch of nitwits has ever had sex with? I'm putting it at 1 and taking the under.

  • TribecaMike

    Meet the racist on-line gamers.

  • Callyson

    Yikes! I got her mixed up with those crazies at Smart Girl Politics!

    Ana, please please forgive me…deleting the errant post now…

  • BarackMyWorld

    Wow…Ugly on the outside AND on the inside.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Looks more like a Chaz Bono look-a-like contest to me.

  • not that Radio

    What was that website that consisted almost entirely of dudes constantly showing webcam vids of their penises? I am reminded of that for some reason.

    • bikerlaureate

      Headstate.com ?

      • not that Radio

        Little Green Balls?

  • ttommyunger

    Something is definitely wrong when Anna Marie has the smallest set of ta-tas in the group.

    • TribecaMike

      True, but what's there is cherce.

  • DesertDingo

    They all look really…uh…smart.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Hey seriously, if you need biker meth, I'm right here. You can't trust that guy.

  • gogogodzilla

    I'll be in my bunk.

  • redarmybarbie

    The only one there who didn't set off my Pod-Person alarm was Stranahan, and only because he's giving off some strong Unabomber vibes…

  • fivespot

    Gain a bunch of weight, stop masturbating, get a bad haircut, a bad shirt, practice your goofy, guilty grin and bang, just like that, you're on some sort of Republican panel!

    • MOG2410

      Like a lot of conferences I attend. There must be a factory somewhere stamping out replicas.

  • rickmaci

    How can you have a list of Repuke male hotness without including Jonah "the Whale" Goldberg.? Come on, Wonkette. You're really falling off your game.
    http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/jo

  • Manhattan123

    Wow that's a tough group to play Fuck, Marry or Kill about.

    • tessiee

      Is there such a game as Kill, Kill, or Kill?

  • neiltheblaze

    Mr. Universe – troll division.

  • calliecallie

    Thank you, Wonkette. FYI, the AARP magazine has pics of 20 hottest guys over 50, and they are so much more hawtest! George Clooney, Viggo, and some non-movie stars too. I'd include the link by my office has blocked the page. That's how hot they are, those old guys!

  • DahBoner

    "Anna Marie Cox"

    Assfucking?

  • HuddledMass

    These specimens, with the possible exception of Stranahan, could not survive in the wild. I'm guessing they subsist on wingnut welfare or mommy's dime. And mating opportunities sans roofies = nonexistent.

  • Edith_Prickly

    oh Gawd, there's not enough brain bleach in the world to erase those images. Curse you, Wonkette!

  • tessiee

    Jonah Goldberg is not in this august company? I call shenanigans.