crazy old men

Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution

Yesterday, we learned that noted constitutional scholar Ron Paul accepts and cashes his Social Security check even though it is “unconstitutional.” He did not say why, exactly, Social Security is unconstitutional (although Your Wonkette suspects it has something to do with his poor grasp of a common law system), and so it remains one in a long list of items that Ron Paul thinks is unconstitutional absent any discussion of relevant jurisprudence. Of course, as we all know, ThinkProgress released a 2011 video listing all the things that Ron Paul finds unconstitutional but since then, there have been more! And there are some that ThinkProgress missed!  For example, did you know that sexual harassment is TOTALLY CONSTITUTIONAL but abortion is not? YES. It’s TRUE. So please behold an updated list of the things that would be unconstitutional in a Ron Paul presidency, as well as a list of things that are in fact Constitutional, which will allow for more substantive critical analysis.

Things that are unconstitutional:

  1. The Civil Rights Act, but ONLY because it destroyed privacy, not because Ron Paul is racist.
  2. Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, the Fed, and paper money, but we knew that already.
  3. Use of executive branch powers to create jobs for struggling Americans absent Congressional action.
  4. The federal debt ceiling limit because it leads Congress to take on functions outside its constitutionally mandated purview.
  5. The Affordable Care Act (that’s “Obamacare” in GOPspeak).
  6. Sarbanes-Oxley and Dodd-Frank because they over-regulate, which is unconstitutional. Regulate women, not markets, amiright bros? Which brings us to…
  7. Roe vs Wade, except possibly for raped and sodomized virgins who can mercifully be given a “shot of estrogen” if they come to the emergency room on time, are insured, and are lucky enough to have a presiding physician who isn’t rabidly pro-life.
  8. The Federal Marriage Amendment because these things should be left up to the states.
  9. Regulation of sexual and reproductive practices on a Federal level as described in his “We the People Act.” How does this articulate with his introduction of the Sanctity of Life Act, which defines life as beginning at conception and would have outlawed hormonal birth control if passed? This, like so many things in Ron Paul’s mind, remains a mystery.
  10. Funding Family Planning (on the Federal level, of course); Paul introduced the “Freedom of Conscience Act” to protect us from this particular ill.
  11. Public school, because the federal government has no business promoting education.
  12. Federally funded loans and scholarships for college because “education is not a right.”
  13. National Parks, which should be sold to private investors, because camping is not a right either.
  14. The VA because Veterans should be served by private hospitals, which will “honor” them better.

Things that Are Constitutional

  1. Biblical law. Yes. Biblical law, which articulates nicely with
  2. Letting poor people die of being poor (video at link).
  3. The Defense of Marriage Act, and yes, DOMA is constitutional even though the Federal Marriage Amendment is unconstitutional.
  4. A patriarchal society wherein the church appoints judges to solve all of our problems.
  5. The Sanctity of Life Act, an Act introduced by Ron Paul himself, and which would have defined life as beginning at conception.
  6. Funding stem cell research using federal tax credits, even though life begins at conception.
  7. Sexual Harassment, which is probably the fault of the woman anyway.

Who can make sense of this for Your Wonkette? Anyone? Can anyone explain why DOMA is constitutional but the Federal Marriage Amendment is unconstitutional? Or perhaps why public school is unconstitutional but church-appointed judges and Patriarchal Law makes the cut? Have at it and get back to us when you have figured it out.

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Collecting Social Security is totes Constitutional, however, no tagbacks.

  • nounverb911

    It's time for Ron to save us all and go Galt.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Or at least fall into a gulch.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Ron Paul clearly missed the warning on the brown acid.

  • HogeyeGrex

    RonPaul is a complete dick.

    That is all.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      But he wants to legalize weeeed, man.

    • billy_reuben

      Gadzooks — you've cracked the code, dear boy!

  • ChernobylSoup

    One could just as easily argue that Texas is unconstitutional.

    • nounverb911

      And unwanted.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        But remember, no aborting Texas because it's unconstitutional.

        • nounverb911

          But isn't Texas already a giant abortion?

        • Callyson

          OK, miscarriage then. As in miscarriage of justice…

  • nounverb911

    "Biblical law. Yes. Biblical law, "
    Ron believes in Sharia law?

  • SorosBot

    This is because, in Rand-land, the Constitution says what Objectivist douches want it to say, not what it actually does.

    • PsycWench

      That's Rightwing-Land of which you speak. Rand-land is but a province within it.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        The AquaBuddha Free State.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    He's probably in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

    • Major Thom

      Early??

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Well, he still knows where his house is. (As far as I know…)

        • emmelemm

          Not necessarily. Bear in mind, he is more than likely driven everywhere by a chauffeur, so he doesn't need to know where he is, or where he's going next.

        • Callyson

          But does he know how many houses he has? We saw what happened when Walnuts forgot…

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      Then, according to him, we should just let him die.

  • SoBeach

    Who can make sense of this for Your Wonkette?

    Easy.

    Benefits white male property owners = Constitutional

    Benefits anyone else, or costs white male property owners money = Unconstitutional

    • Bezoar

      That was good.

    • emmelemm

      Nailed it.

    • MissTaken

      Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      COTD!

  • Extemporanus

    The morning constitutional is unconstitutional.

  • littlebigdaddy

    What about Messicans? I'm guessing unconstitutional.

  • coolhandnuke

    Ron Paul; an enema wrapped in a colostomy bag surrounded by Texass.

    • Major Thom

      Nicely done.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Well done

  • kingofmeh

    it is impossible for a constitutional amendment to be unconstitutional, because logic. some classifications in the constitution – like requiring presidential candidates to be native-born, because discriminating against naturalized citizens almost always violates equal protection – would be unconstitutional if they were statutes. but, because one part of the constitution is not "better" than another, any properly enacted amendment to the US Constitution is, by its nature, constitutional.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Second Amendment! That, and the free speech amendment that protects wingers right to spew hate talk. They are the only two that matter.

      Get a job, hippie!

      • sullivanst

        First amendment protects wingers' right to spew hate talk by prohibiting anyone else from speaking against it, specifically.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Freedom of religion, also too. When freedom of religion means conservatives being able to force other people to live according to their distorted interpretation of the bible.

  • veritass

    Who can make sense of this for Your Wonkette? Anyone?

    Oh oh, let me try! It's because, of course.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      More precisely, "because, shut up, of course"

    • HogeyeGrex

      I believe the phrase you're looking for is "because SHUT UP THAT'S WHY!"

    • SmutBoffin

      "OK, look. There's FREEDOM and TRANNY and the first is good and the second bad and when the gov't says ya gotta do something lame, like get that rusty old car that you've been throwing trash into and is now infested with rats off of your front lawn that is TRANNY but Ron Paul says you can have your rattrashcar and that is FREEDOM and you can smoke crummy weed too and now I have to get back to work at the video game store."

      • Boojum

        Tranny is bad?

  • SorosBot

    What part of "The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States" and "To regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes" don't you understand?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      All of them, Katie.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    I believe this list of nonsense is longer than Herr Dr. Ron Paul's saggy ball sack. And you know he's gotta drag those wrinkly bastards across the floor.

  • calliecallie

    Rand Paul, Ayn Rand. I think there's a connection.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Both men with funny accents.

    • TribecaMike

      Both longtime members of the Babushka of the Month Club.

  • Bezoar

    Modest IQ + conservative fear + narcissism + ??? (something else, I can't put my finger on it) = Ron Paul

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      ??? = the smell of farts and vinegar

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      +/or Batshit Crazy +/or perpetual fundraising.

    • sullivanst

      + political outlook which stopped developing in mid-teens

    • HarryButtle

      Mothballs?

    • billy_reuben

      ??? = angel dust

  • BarackMyWorld

    The federal debt ceiling limit because it leads Congress to take on functions outside its constitutionally mandated purview.

    I agree that the debt ceiling is unconstitutional, because it violates Article 6, not for Paul's bullshit reason, though.

    Actually, I'm beginning to question if most libertarians/conservatives have every even read Article 6. That thing's like a progressive permission slip.

    • BarackMyWorld

      ^5,000th intense debate comment!^

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        Congrats. Your family must be so proud.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Were you voted "most likely to comment on wonkette 5000 times" in high school?

    • sullivanst

      Article 6 only applies to debts and obligations entered into under the Articles of Confederation, though.

      Section 5 of the 14th Amendment seems more relevant, especially given the proportion of our debt that's owed to Social Security.

      Libertarians/conservatives certainly seem to have a highly selective reading of Article 6 – they skip right past the supremacy clause to the bound by oath clause, which they only pay attention to when it suits them, and never get as far as the no religious test clause.

  • Ryy

    Ron Paul will fuck the face off the GOP in Tampa.

    Please god.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    What the fuzz is this man's problem? Oh wait– he's Ron Paul.

  • Baconzgood

    Fucking fuck is a fucking fucked fuck! I hate this ass hat.

  • OldWhiteLies

    How bloody fucking stooopid does any real libtard need to be NOT to see that this man is NOT NOT NOT libtardian.

    He is nothing but a minor flavour variation on teatardian.

    How can the real libtard crowd continue to push this man forward as their standard bearer?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      This old man is a hater and like all good haters….good not being a moral judgement, but one of professional experience…he's learned that libertarianism allows him a cloak for his hatred under the guise of "freedom."

      I hate this bastard, and I say that as a libertarian.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Really. He should just re-brand himself a Conservative Christian fundie.

    • sullivanst

      Because:

      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He is the cult of
      He
      Is
      The
      Cult
      Of
      Personality

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        CM PUNK LIBEL!

        • sullivanst

          Well, I wasn't expecting that!

          Maybe something more along the lines of Ron Paul has no Color and is barely Living :P

      • OldWhiteLies

        PERSONALITY !?!

        Sulli you jest.

        • sullivanst

          You do have a very good point there.

          The cult of plain white bread?

          Definitely the cult of something.

    • doloras

      The answer I keep hearing: because he's AGAINST THE WAR and FOR THE WEED, man, and everything else is unimportant.

  • mavenmaven

    What would be banned in a Ron Paul presidency is fortunately about as relevant as banning interspecies reptiloid procreation in alternate 2-dimensional universes.

    • nounverb911

      Isn't that where Newt came from?

  • pjcaper

    Helvering v. Davis says eat me, old man.

  • PsycWench

    One of my students is a huge Ron Paul fan. He had to leave a meeting early one day last semester to get his financial aid straightened out.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Just like his pretend girlfriend, that hag that looks like she stepped out of a spooky Mormon hell dream: everything is unconstitutional for you but not for me unless it's something I don't give a shit about, like reproductive rights for women. Just like Ron Paul, it was nothing Ayn R. Her looks and those yellow teeth was all the contraception one person needed.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Personally, I preferred the property rights freak I had for two semesters who was both taking financial aid and worked in billing at a hospital in a job that without Medicare/Medicaid as well as all sorts of state subsidies probably doesn't exist.

      • SoBeach

        My favorite is the neighborhood right wing ranting loon who has completely covered his property and his automobile with libertarian and tea party signs. What's he do for a living? USPS.

        • TootsStansbury

          Ima gonna have a nice shout down the digital well in this here old post.

          Remember when the baggers could be mocked because they were stupid pawns and how could anyone take them seriously? And then the librul media started in with the tongue bathing and along with the baggers' nefarious backers' money got a bunch of them elected to public office and they fucked everything up? I miss laughing at those idiots.

        • BerkeleyBear

          I don't know if its the Clavin curse or what, but there are more than a few postal workers who are off the deep end (mainly to the right, but occasionally to the left).

    • biblioteq_tress

      I work for a federal agency that pays various entitlement benefits. At least once a week I will get a call from some, um, l'll stick to the word "client" who will rant about federal waste — then ask where his check is and complain about how low it is. This usually comes from an older client whose annuity payments have long since exceeded his contributions. Then there is a one in three chance he will finish it off with a racist slur about our president.
      Sometimes I hate my job.
      BUT for shear unwitting irony, nothing beats when I worked in a government archive. I regularly got pulled away from my regular job to respond to wingnut queries– like why does the government hide the truth about Clinton selling Montana to China. No small number would also unleash on how the government is wasting his money. Really? Like by spending fifteen minutes answering your asinine question, pulling documents from the archives that prove Montana is still US soil, mailing photocopies to you? And when confronted with proof, did you change your mind?
      Sometimes I hated that job, too.
      edited to deal with typo goblins

  • owhatever

    I think it would be rather fun to have Ron Paul as president for a term. We survived eight years under W, so let's have a few laughs.

    • CommieLibunatic

      I'll pass. After Bush and the 112th Congress, I can't laugh or cry.

    • widestanceromance

      And at the end of those 8 years, we said to ourselves, "well, is that all there is to fascism?"

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I'm going to have to go back to my DVR and set up "Doomsday Preppers" to record again.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Ron Paul: A weiner, wrapped in tripe, and rolled in Cheeto dust.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      and don't forget deep fried

    • anniegetyerfun

      Now, you deep fry that, and you'd have your own cooking show.

    • PsycWench

      Your description is still more appealing than the actual Ron Paul.

    • TootsStansbury

      A turducken of racist, entitled selfishness.

  • scvirginia

    Needz moar nepotism in 'Constitutional' list…

  • glamourdammerung

    Too bad Rand is in public office now since this means Ron is unlikely to tell everyone as he leaves the House next year "ever feel like you have been swindled" on his way out.

  • SmutBoffin

    Wait, Ron Paul is a REAL person?!

    I thought he was one of those internet "mee-mee" joke things that started going around in 2007 to, like, parody some anti-common-sense political positions or something.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Aren't some of those for/against things sort of mutually exclusively-ish?

    • ChernobylSoup

      Not if you're a straight white male Christian.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Yes, leave it up to a senile Vagina doctor to tell you what's unconstitutional and what isn't.

  • savethispatient

    Ron Paul is my favourite character from Nic Cage's National Treasure movies.

    • ElPinche

      I thought he was great as the Grail Knight in the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

  • MarieDeGournay

    I wish he would go back to making E.L. Fudges.

    • ChernobylSoup

      FDA, OSHA, and the EPA regulated the Keebler tree out of business, thus explaining Paul's political worldview.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Get back in your tree, Ron! Get back in your tree!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Well, at least we can look forward to his Nazi Newsletters.

  • TootsStansbury

    The steady stream of garden variety wingnutz is hard enough to take. Now I gotta read about this clown? Where's mah wine?

  • Estproph

    DOMA is constitutional but the Federal Marriage Amendment is unconstitutional because shut up and don't ask so many questions if you know what's good for you. RON PAUL 2102!

  • StanleyPain2

    Ron Paul didn't PERSONALLY accept those Social Security checks. An intern simply cashed them and the money SOMEHOW made its way back to him. C'mon, why is this even an issue?

    • PsycWench

      I think he probably signed up for direct deposit by mistake (maybe he thought it was a funeral plan?) and if the bank wants to take that money and put it in Ron Paul's account, who is he to stop them?

  • SorosBot

    Now this comment thread is looking rather odd…

  • DCNole

    If you could somehow post this as a YouTube video, I think you'd get all the explanations that your heart desires. And the video would list as a Trending. Just call it ONLY RON PAUL CAN SAVE OUR FREEDOM FROM THE FED.

  • Mahousu

    Of course sexual harassment is constitutional. I mean, would James Madison (still a randy bachelor at the time), Benjamin Franklin (enough said), or Gouverneur Morris (shattered his leg jumping out of a window to get away from a jealous husband) have outlawed themselves?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I'm guessing he's not a big fan of Amtrak?

  • Antispandex

    Things that Are Constitutional

    Killing Messicans
    rEVOLution
    Shooting animals out of helicopters
    Medicaljuana (for now)
    Sex slaves

    It just goes on and on, doesn't it? That is what makes this country great. Guys like Rep. Paul get to decide!

  • CommieLibunatic

    Shut up, old man!

  • sullivanst

    Yes, all of it.

  • ElPinche

    Don't forget the klan sheet. What? !

  • sullivanst

    Does this mean World's Greatest Artist, Jon McNaughton is about to set Ron Paul on fire?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Biblical law

    Is that found in the Old or New Testament of "Atlas Shrugged"?

    • PubOption

      Well, there's a whole book of Judges, so there must be some law somewhere.

  • OldWhiteLies

    More like a flea turd wrapped in a dead tapeworm, wrapped in used toilet tissue.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    What was scary was going away for a bit, and then thinking that this was still the Hottest Conservative Women thread.

  • scvirginia

    If Greed = Good, then you want to vote against anything that costs tax dollars, but ACCEPT anything you can get your paws on that has already been paid for with tax dollars. There is no contradiction to see here, folks, just keep moving along…

  • widestanceromance

    An undiagnosed schizophrenic dragged through Texas roadkill, dropped on hills with eyes and topped with unspecified rodent pelts.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

    The Defense of Marriage Act, and yes, DOMA is constitutional even though the Federal Marriage Amendment is unconstitutional

    So, Ron Paul really has no idea what a Constitutional Amendment even is, in other words?

    Roe vs Wade[…]
    Biblical law.

    Yeppers.

  • lulzmonger

    It's quite simple, really:

    1. Google RON PAUL
    2. Huff lots of Jenkem
    3.?!?!?
    4. PROPHET!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    And now, the standard response from one of Ron Paul's followers:

    Ahem…

    (clears throat)

    TYPICAL MEDIA PUPPET HACK TRYING TO PULL THE WOOL OVER PEOPLES' EYES!! WHY ARE YOU AGAINST FREEDOM AND THE CONSTITUTION??!! RON PAUL BELIEVES IN LIBERTY! RESTORE OUR CONSTITUTION! RON PAUL 2012!

    And…scene.

  • TribecaMike

    Someone should tell Paul that the gummint and not just "the Church" performs marriage ceremonies. On second thought, let him go to his grave as stupid as he is now.

    • finallyhappy

      don't tell my rabbi that only "the Church" performs marriages.

      • TribecaMike

        I knew I was in trouble when my bride-to-be hired a mohel to preside over our wedding.

  • keinsignal

    I am bookmarking this list for future reference. Thank you. That is all!

  • HeadsIWin

    my honey keeps telling me camping is not a right either so i will have to pay over a hundred bucks a night for a cabin in the woods next week.

    now that i think of it, her mother does look a bit like ann rand too.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    Theocracy? Oh, you better believe it's Constitutional.

  • sezme

    National Parks, which should be sold to private investors, because camping is not a right either.

    And being a wild animal is also not a right.

  • finallyhappy

    for Jews, Motel 6 is camping

  • extreme_left

    I think more people should get stoned every now and again, the world would be a nicer place.

  • ttommyunger

    Probably also believes if the King James Version was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for him.

  • chascates

    I'm starting to think Alex Jones was all wrong having him on his radio show.

  • bikerlaureate

    “If you try to improve relationships by forcing and telling people what they can’t do, and you ignore and undermine the principles of liberty, then the government can come into our bedrooms,” Paul explained. “And that’s exactly what has happened. Look at what’s happened with the PATRIOT Act. They can come into our houses, our bedrooms our businesses … And it was started back then [Civil Rights Act].”

    It's the sprinking of truth within that makes this garble so migraine-inducing.

  • rickmaci

    "Who can make sense of this for Your Wonkette? Anyone?"

    Well, maybe because MoRon Paul is a racist, misogynist, homophobic, ignoramus, hypocrite overall dickhead.

  • DahBoner

    Libertarian creedo: Everything is Unconstitutional, except for giving handouts to ME, ME, ME!!!!!"