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Yesterday, we learned that noted constitutional scholar Ron Paul accepts and cashes his Social Security check even though it is “unconstitutional.” He did not say why, exactly, Social Security is unconstitutional (although Your Wonkette suspects it has something to do with his poor grasp of a common law system), and so it remains one in a long list of items that Ron Paul thinks is unconstitutional absent any discussion of relevant jurisprudence. Of course, as we all know, ThinkProgress released a 2011 video listing all the things that Ron Paul finds unconstitutional but since then, there have been more! And there are some that ThinkProgress missed!  For example, did you know that sexual harassment is TOTALLY CONSTITUTIONAL but abortion is not? YES. It’s TRUE. So please behold an updated list of the things that would be unconstitutional in a Ron Paul presidency, as well as a list of things that are in fact Constitutional, which will allow for more substantive critical analysis.

Things that are unconstitutional:

  1. The Civil Rights Act, but ONLY because it destroyed privacy, not because Ron Paul is racist.
  2. Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, the Fed, and paper money, but we knew that already.
  3. Use of executive branch powers to create jobs for struggling Americans absent Congressional action.
  4. The federal debt ceiling limit because it leads Congress to take on functions outside its constitutionally mandated purview.
  5. The Affordable Care Act (that’s “Obamacare” in GOPspeak).
  6. Sarbanes-Oxley and Dodd-Frank because they over-regulate, which is unconstitutional. Regulate women, not markets, amiright bros? Which brings us to…
  7. Roe vs Wade, except possibly for raped and sodomized virgins who can mercifully be given a “shot of estrogen” if they come to the emergency room on time, are insured, and are lucky enough to have a presiding physician who isn’t rabidly pro-life.
  8. The Federal Marriage Amendment because these things should be left up to the states.
  9. Regulation of sexual and reproductive practices on a Federal level as described in his “We the People Act.” How does this articulate with his introduction of the Sanctity of Life Act, which defines life as beginning at conception and would have outlawed hormonal birth control if passed? This, like so many things in Ron Paul’s mind, remains a mystery.
  10. Funding Family Planning (on the Federal level, of course); Paul introduced the “Freedom of Conscience Act” to protect us from this particular ill.
  11. Public school, because the federal government has no business promoting education.
  12. Federally funded loans and scholarships for college because “education is not a right.”
  13. National Parks, which should be sold to private investors, because camping is not a right either.
  14. The VA because Veterans should be served by private hospitals, which will “honor” them better.

Things that Are Constitutional

  1. Biblical law. Yes. Biblical law, which articulates nicely with
  2. Letting poor people die of being poor (video at link).
  3. The Defense of Marriage Act, and yes, DOMA is constitutional even though the Federal Marriage Amendment is unconstitutional.
  4. A patriarchal society wherein the church appoints judges to solve all of our problems.
  5. The Sanctity of Life Act, an Act introduced by Ron Paul himself, and which would have defined life as beginning at conception.
  6. Funding stem cell research using federal tax credits, even though life begins at conception.
  7. Sexual Harassment, which is probably the fault of the woman anyway.

Who can make sense of this for Your Wonkette? Anyone? Can anyone explain why DOMA is constitutional but the Federal Marriage Amendment is unconstitutional? Or perhaps why public school is unconstitutional but church-appointed judges and Patriarchal Law makes the cut? Have at it and get back to us when you have figured it out.

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