urgent matters

Right Wing News Ends War On Women With Peaceful List of Hottest Conservative Women in Media

hot in herrrre

The point of women is to stand tall, butt pointing just so (say, eastward), bosom pointing just the opposite so (westward). The point of conservative women in the media is to do this, plus tell conservative men everywhere what they obviously already know, and invented, like that Obama is a Kenyan spy, but which they like to sometimes hear said in a soft voice, and preferably in plain sight, with the aforementioned assets pointing also, if the women can manage it, not only in opposite directions but toward the sky. So with that in mind, Right Wing News has released its fourth annual list of “The 20 Hottest Conservative Women in Media,” and each candidate in this competitive list has been allotted two pictures. One shows us the woman’s candid side: hanging with friends at the bar, attending a conference for important people. For the other shots the Right Wing News staff used glamour shots WHENEVER POSSIBLE, which preferably included some T&A. Strangely, there seem to be more T&A as we make our way through the list from number 20 to number 1…

Number 20 is of course a woman of color, because god forbid blogger Kira Davis be considered anything other than last place. However, RWN was generous enough to put Michelle Malkin at number 3. Or else they were just afraid for their lives.

So in case anyone looking at this list reacts with the kind words, “Wow, I didn’t know there were even 20 women in the media,” do not click through expecting to see even so much as a paragraph, let alone a one-sentence blurb, telling us what any of these women actually does, or how they got started, or who did their boobs, because there is none of that. There are just pictures. Beautiful, beautiful pictures. Select ranking information:

2. Katie Pavlich from Town Hall, because her highlights are just prettier than 6. April Gregory of Misfit Politics.

6. April Gregory of Misfit Politics, because she is just ONE OF THE GUYS! We need one of those on every list:

YO!

7. Monica Crowley of Monica Memo. Monica has so much potential. Potential to be number one even, but there is only one picture of her WMD-capable ladyparts, and so she is just at number 7 for now.

4. Sarah Palin. Three words for you: RED SILK BLOUSE. Also Palin has MOVED ON UP! Last year she was only ranked at number 9. How quickly things can change in the media.

17. Jenny Erickson, blogger. BECAUSE SHE IS INTO GUNZ.

14. Kristina Ribali because she looks like a DISNEY ANIME DREAM BOT and is also a MOM! Which is huge:

yes.

8. Mary Katharine Ham from the Weekly Standard, because she kinda looks like Megan from Mad Men! Not that any of us watch that! That blasphemous nostalgic liberal wet dream!

always up for some fun

And finally, we are ready for number one. She has been a major player this year. Her hair always looks real nice. She is true to the pale skin shade that God gave her. And she’s got a mouth on er! Your hottest woman in conservative media 2012 is…

The contemplative…
The sassy…
The ball-busting…
The thinking…
The talking…
The oh-so-pretty…

DANA LOESCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111dwerasssgggssssdfff

WINNER! WINNER! WINNER!


[Right Wing News]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
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256 comments

    1. DrunkenPalmetto

      She used to date a muslim guy. She didn't laugh when I asked her if she recreated abu gharib in their bed together.

    2. Antispandex

      Still,I hear we are not likely to know the results of the erection until November.

  1. Arken

    I see they put the blah lady at the back of the list, sort of like the part of the bus they want her to be on.

    1. widestanceromance

      How are they gonna get page views with blah ladies? Blah men with large endowments–oh, yeah, that meter is spinning!

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I could almost forgive DANA LOESCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for being conservative.

    Oh, who am I kidding. I'd sleep with most of them except for that scary looking one in the middle of the post with curly hair and CRAZY eyes.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Not sleep, but rather grudge f&ck and then make up some crazy excuse to GTFO before they figure out you are a lieberal incubus bastard. You lay down and sleep next to this kinda crazy and you are taking a serious health risk.

    2. Omophagist

      That's how you can tell this list is a joke. No real conservative would pick a woman so jewey looking, it's almost as unamerican as being a jew.

  3. mrpuma2u

    These are all the kinds of people that would not have acknowledged my existence in high school.

      1. mrpuma2u

        You had left leaning attractive people in your high school?!?!?!? I should have been so lucky. I didn't have any of that action in my rust belt mid-west small city.

      2. Limeylizzie

        I went to an all-girls High School I would have fucked any one of you Wonketteers.

    1. PsycWench

      They remind me of the kind of people that wouldn't have acknowledged my existence in high school because they were cool and I was a geek; now they wouldn't acknowledge my existence because they went downhill rapidly after high school whereas I became moderately hot.
      These women probably had Spray-Mount Fixative applied at the senior prom.

    2. widestanceromance

      These are all the kinds of people whose existence I would have denied in high school.

    1. widestanceromance

      Not CocaCola. Rice.

      (yeah, yeah, I know, Vietnam not Philippines, but eff it)

  4. SoBeach

    I'd just like to point out that I'm about to google "Dana Loesch" because I've never heard that name in my life.

  5. Callyson

    And the list of the 20 Hottest Conservative Men will come out when…

    …oh, right, never…

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Maybe 20 hottest as in unable to sweat because of the bacon grease clogging their sweat glands.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Pfft, like the 20 Hottest Conservative Men would ever actually come out.

      Wait, what were we talking about again?

        1. jodyleek

          Oh god, I love that picture! I mean, an aqua belt?!? Does he have belts in all the colors of the rainbow in his closet?

    3. chicken_thief

      Didn't the Young Guns sort of cover that? I mean, there was only three or four of them, but Marcus gave it a 5 Star fap rating.

  6. Shypixel

    I seriously want to know who thinks Ann Coulter is hot….

    I have seen drag queens that were far hotter.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Too scrawny. If I'm going to spend quality time with a shemale, I want someone whose kneecap isn't in danger of disemboweling me during the more rigorous parts of sexual frolicking.

    1. seans_reading

      My theory has been, and continues to be, that Ann Coulter was in the drag scene in San Francisco in the 80s, and this whole thing started as a prank that just got way, WAY out of hand.

    2. vulpes82

      It's the dominatrix thing. The conservative male is a bad, baaaad boy who needs to be harangued and beaten, and there aren't quite enough rentboys around to do it.

  7. scvirginia

    I do not understand how any of these wimminz can appeal to the base if they are never shown making sammiches?

  8. SorosBot

    Just remember, menfolk (and lesbians); some of those women may be attractive (though certainly not all – I mean, Sarah fuck Palin? Ick), but as conservative women their idea of sex is for them to just lie back and have the man do all the work. Bor-ing.

    1. PsycWench

      as conservative women their idea of sex is for them to just lie back and have the desperately fantasizing closeted gay man do all the work.
      Fixed.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      You didn't think that Todd's nickname was the "Jackhammer" because of his work ethic, did you?

    3. Fare la Volpe

      Why would anyone want a partner who lies back and thinks of England? I just don't get it.

      It's about as bad as a partner who's completely silent throughout the whole ordeal. I can't make this experience better without some feedback, thank you!

      1. SorosBot

        It's boring and not very fun; I speak from experience, and it's a big part of why I resolved to never sleep with conservative women again.

      2. MissTaken

        That's why roofies make no sense at all.

        "Yes, I want to use your body as a masturbation tool while you are completely unconscious. Fun for me!"

        1. PsycWench

          I'm confused by that too! and also the fact that men apparently will brag about taking down a woman with roofs…it's tantamount to saying "I'm such a fucking ugly loser that I have to fully anesthetize a woman in order to have sex with her".

          1. MissTaken

            I got roofied at a bar once. Thankfully my roommate was with me to carry me home after I slumped off the barstool after just one beer, which is how she figured out something was terribly wrong. She stayed with me the entire night because I was vomiting while unconscious and she was scared I would choke on my own vomit and die.

            Nothing says "let's have sexytime!" more than that!

          2. PsycWench

            I'm sure you were super hawt while you were vomiting unconsciously.
            Seriously, that's fucked up. Good thing you had backup. Now excuse me while I have a panic attack about my 14-year-old daughter being old enough to go to a bar some day.

          3. Steverino247

            Now you know the true reason for "Never drink alone."

            Seriously, I'm so sorry you had that experience. I think anybody who drugs a drink deserves the rape conviction even if there's no penetration. Your roommate deserved a free month's rent and all your chocolate ice cream from the freezer for that night.

      3. actor212

        Your choices are

        a) a vapid conservative sexual partner who spouts inanities while actually having sex because they are so sexually misguided and confused, the very thought that "thingie" is going on make them turn into Tourette's sufferers or

        b) fucking a corpse.

    1. kakotechnia

      Maybe she was going to a "Prom: 1987" themed party.
      (Note to self: Put "Prom: 1987" on list of themes for parties)

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    My computer gagged when I tried to click the linky. I don't think my computer wants me fapping to those kind of women.

  10. scvirginia

    Does anyone else think that forearm with the hand making the 'V for Vagina' signal looks like it was photoshopped in?

  11. ChernobylSoup

    The first one's a man.
    The second one is mannish.
    The third one scares me.
    The fourth one needs wider Crest Whitestrips.
    The fifth one looks pretty until you look her up on Google Images.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    I'm sorry, but all I see is a bunch of bukkake targets and one really skinny drag queen.

  13. BornInATrailer

    Would have been more impressed with April Gregory photo if she'd done "The Shocker" instead.

  14. Schmannnity

    Next up: the ladies return for the jodhpurs and riding crop competition for all you naughty conservative boys.

  15. Baconzgood

    Meh. Give me the 20 hawtest Liberals. Those chicks are bi-sexual and on birth control!

    1. Antispandex

      No, that is for sure. Smart is hot, but alot of the good ones are taken, or like Ms. Maddow, not interested in me. Ah, but Ms. Antispandex? Smart, funny, slightly to the left of Che, and…she puts out. I'm a lucky man.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Phyllis and Dame Peggy Noonington are passed out in a dark parlor together somewhere, after several sustained weeks of gin and tonics spiked with Vicodin. They were not available for comment.

  16. Estproph

    No Phyllis Schlafly? No Marge Schott? No Stacey Pritchard? How are we supposed to take this list seriously?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Right. Like O'Queef's dick has ever gotten near any actual ladybits.*

      *And by "actual" I mean "not polyvinyl or molded plastic."

  17. Edith_Prickly

    I thought they'd all be posed around Jonah Goldberg, feeding him Cheetos and fanning his farts away

  18. widestanceromance

    Lemme guess. There are only 23 women in conservative media, and 2 of them are pre-op.

  19. elburritodeluxe

    Always with the caveats: "She's hot, I mean for a conservative woman in media."

  20. actor212

    I googled Monica Crowley, mostly because every conservative woman should be Googled in the hopes of some miraculous "Fifty Shades of Grey" reaction being set off and they suddenly see the light, and I realized that Crowley's had more reconstruction done to her than New Orleans after that hurricane.

  21. Guppy

    Since this is obviously an invitation to misogynize…

    April Gregory: meh
    Kristina Ribali: scary
    Mary Katharine Ham: cute
    Dana Loesch: too made-up/tightly-wound

    1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      One of them looks fourteen. That appeals to a select group of conservative men who aren't into rentboys.

  22. docteur_giraud

    I was going to comment, "ha ha, I'll bet the judges are the kind of pasty douchetards these Republigals would never date," without any research. Happily, the judges are listed at the link, so I can speak will the authority of one who knows how to use the Google machine and type, "the judges are the kind of pasty douchetards Republican dream girls wouldn't go near."

    Except for the one non-white dude, who at least had the decency to post a photo of himself with super-pasty Adirondack Teatard Doug Hoffman to the internets.

  23. coolhandnuke

    There's a porch manatee in Appalachia that's spitting mad.
    Next year Mema…next year.

    1. Rotundo_

      Damn but that is a great descriptor: Porch Manatee. I bow in the presence of greatness.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Your high praise should fall on the shoulders of a fellow Wonketeer who applied manatee in a Mema post. I was going to go with Ethel Mermaid….but thanks.

  24. elburritodeluxe

    I think we all know that Wonkette's Editrix make the hottest list for anywomen in media.

  25. MissTaken

    My work blocks the RWN site (oh darn!) so I have to assume that the always lovely Kathryn Jean Lopez is in the top 5.

    1. SorosBot

      Sadly she didn't make it; which is surprising considering that they put Palin and Coulter in there, showing that their version of "hottest" includes total hags.

  26. Tundra Grifter

    #16 is holding a Mannlicher.

    (You have to say it out loud or it isn't funny.)

    Meanwhile, this is the first published "Top 20" list I've read where the idiots who put it together couldn't correctly number from 20 to 1…

  27. barto

    Is that Dana's "wait a second I feel an original thought coming on, oh crap I lost it" pose?

    1. widestanceromance

      You should expect everything to be difficult to masturbate to for a while. It will pass.

    2. MissTaken

      A liter of tequila and approximately 2 hours of Lesbian Spank Inferno porn should help.

  28. Billmatic

    megs is one of the cutest ladies on the planet (no, srsly…), and she's not even on this list. not conservative enough?

    i mean NOT that i don't think the list is terrible and exploitative in the first place but i am still a heterosexual male and ranking women based on looks is a hard habit for me to break

    and megs mccain is srsly cute as hell

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Meg has tits and curves — it ruins conservative men's fantasies when they are constantly reminded their partner is a woman.

  29. Nesnora

    Hey hey hey let's not go down to their level by placing their value as a woman based on how attractive they are.

    After all, they could give a damn about their looks and their success had nothing to do, nothing to do at all with speaking out against their own gender while being a chattering pair of tits agreeing with the menfolk that they should all stay in their place.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      There's nothing else to go on. They could have included a short blurb and a collection of their most insightful observations of modern—-ha ahahahahaa, sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face.

      Okay, conservative bloggers. Looks it is.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    I've never heard of Kristina Ribali, but she looks like her mom used to dress her up and make her compete in beauty pageants as a kid and she liked that look so much she stuck with it.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me pretty please look at me look at me LOOK AT ME PLEASE.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Unfortunatly, her brand of crazy looks familiar to me. I think she just needs her meds adjusted.

  31. Limeylizzie

    The comments on RW News are hilarious, especially one from Mr Dana Loesch and the man responding to him.

  32. rickmaci

    Four comments:

    1. Why do they have Mann Coulter's pic in a story about their wimminz?
    2. C Cupp look more like a B. (I think this calls for an "all hands" investigation.)
    3. What does the Filipina fisherwoman have to do with GOTeaP political wimminz?
    4. Why do right wing women all have that batshitcrazyintheeyes look?

  33. BarackMyWorld

    Number 20 is of course a woman of color, because god forbid blogger Kira Davis be considered anything other than last place.

    Did you notice there were two #18s? That way no one had to come in next to her.

  34. actor212

    Right Wing News Ends War On Women With Peaceful List of Hottest Conservative Women in Media

    They would have done 21, but they ran out of women.

  35. Oblios_Cap

    I'd better start warming up my arm. There's a lot of Donkey Punching to be done with that group.

  36. Generation[redacted]

    The nice thing about this contest is that they chose not to bother us with any of these women's opinions on anything. It's. Just. Looks.

    Personally, I think it's hot when a woman quotes a member of the Algonquin Round Table in the context of a snarky critique of modern times. But I'm not a conservative and have a different idea of what makes women attractive.

  37. Panty_Buns

    I'm fighting off a strong urge to vomit. Their ugliness truly is clear to the bone no matter which way they point their whatevers. The idea of wanking while looking at any of them is, is, ewwww! I just have one question. Whose adams apple is bigger, Ann Coulter's or Howard Stern's? I think Howard is probably the hotter of the two.

  38. DemonicRage

    Somewhere, deep in a Red State, they have to build an adult amusement park, with giant man cave rooms and big, illuminated pictures of these special women, so that Conservative men can come and fap their brains out. Imagine how good it would be for THE ECONOMY!

  39. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    …and in one article is the most succinct explanation why U.S. Americans Conservatism is bad, bad, bad for women.

  40. Estproph

    God what a bunch of smugfucks. Most of those pictures look like sorority rush shots. And I really hate 2 Brain Cells 1 Cupp.

  41. Preferred Customer

    Also, RWN fails the Internet, because hello–for top 20 lists, you are supposed to put each entry on a separate page for MOAR PAGE VIEWS.

    And I'm being completely serious when I say that the average attractiveness of the people on that list hovers around 2.5 out of 10. Removing Coulter jumps you up to a 4, sure, but it's still a pretty unimpressive group.

  42. MosesInvests

    I wonder if Sarah Palin clicked her heels together when she was doing that "Heil Hitler" salute.

  43. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    yeah this isn't much of a list…or well researched. I'm surprised Prejean isn't on there but considering her love of self pleasure and filming as such her wingnut credentials are DOA. But I also know Leanne Tweeden (sigh) is a conservative…now, if we were to name liberals my favorite Az politician would be on the list: Kirsten Sinema. Not only is she blonde and buxom but also bi-sexual. I'd take her alliteration over the wingnut p's anyday: Prickly, post-op, phlegmy. Just sayin'….but yeah, I'm about positive we win here. It's not fair to mention actresses here because ya know Eva Mendes, Eva Longoria, Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johannsen and Natalie Portman and Salma Hayek are all confirmed lefties. Nor should we talk about music, either…just saying, also.

  44. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Isn't there an old saying about wingnuts that their worst fear is somewhere, someone else is enjoying life more than they are? I think that really explains a lot about the ladies on this list. That and spending life as a beard.

  45. extreme_left

    Good to see 50% have a arm around them, wouldn't want them to be out in public without a chaperone.

  46. TootsStansbury

    I don't like to make fun of peoples' looks but Kristina Riabali? What the fuck? Seriously. What is that?

  47. badgitator

    Impressing conservative men requires the mastery of no fewer than 4 distinct disciplines: Big tits and I forgot the rest…

  48. ttommyunger

    Sorry, John, it will take more than this to get you laid. Try moving out of your mom's basement for starters.

  49. badgitator

    They keep flashing the peace symbol. I do not think it means what they think it means.

  50. dcjdjay

    Ann Coulter may be a lying sack of crap, but on occasion she'll let out a funny one-liner. Dana Loesch is just a lying sack of crap, and Michelle Malkin is the cockroach that lives on that crap.

    The rest are about as consequential as a fart in a desert.

  51. rocktonsam

    you'd think that if these women would shave their FOX NEWS pubes, they'd be fun to go on a date with.and have stimulating conversation, some wine and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    youse just know they;re kinky as hell also

  52. viennawoods13

    do not these guys living in their moms' basements know how to photoshop out redeye? Seriously. because nothing says "hot babe" like glowing red eyes.

  53. larrykat

    Holy shit that is one large forehead! Looks like Kristen Wiig's character with the tiny hands on SNL…

  54. KPod

    It also seems to help to have a disembodied male hand grasping one of your parts, it would appear.

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