pop pop pop pop music

Dictator’s Daughter Gulnara Karimova Buying Her Pop-Ularity

Wonkette’s favorite dictator’s daughter, Uzbekistan’s Gulnara Karimova, has been laying low since the embarrassment of her failed New York fashion launch and the online kerfuffle about her relationship with Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure. It looks like fashion gets all messy when you use slaves to pick your cotton, and philanthropy as a self-promotion strategy didn’t work out very well for her either. But, if you have lots of dictatory money, you can buy yourself pop stardom or a good facsimile!

This month, under the coochie-coo nickname her murdering daddy gave her, GooGoosha, Karimova launched her new English-language pop album and claimed on her website that she was interviewed by CNN and that Billboard did a “stellar review” of the album’s single “Round Run.” But that page has since been mysteriously removed. (But our source for all things Gulnara over at Eurasia.net saw ‘em.) Evidently, even before the articles were removed, the links provided to the CNN interview and Billboard magazine article took you to a page that said “Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text…” A search on CNN and Billboard websites comes up with nada.

For more liar-liar-pants-on-fireness, on GooGoosha’s Facebook page she wrote, “Look … June 16 issue of Billboard magazine!!” with a lovely picture showing what looks like her highness on the cover of Billboard magazine. And on Twitter she said, “Check out the current issue of Billboard! (June 16 issue),” implying that she is actually on the cover. However, upon close inspection, one can see something at the top of the magazine cover which says “advertisement,” which means it was probably a “wrap cover” that goes on the outside of print magazines. The budding popdicatorette had to buy that exposure. She also bought a Twitter promotion campaign – the kind that sends out gazillions of annoying tweets that all say the same thing with just a little change at the front end – “Love Dragonette? Follow dance pop sensation @realgoogoosha & check out her latest music, including the hot new single “Round Run!” Love Robyn? Love Paul Van Dyk? Love Hitler? and on and on until the tweet machine ran out of popstar names and/or all her followers blocked her.

We know you’re dying to hear her album, and you’ll be pleased to know it’s available on Amazon, where the reviews are pure gold. Just a sample:

“…the tracks on the album sound like Gulunara (sorry I mean Guli, or uh, Googoosha?) was in the room with a tape recorder, sampling the tortured screams of some poor sap who dared to question the viability of kleptocratic totalitarianism as a political system.”

“Meet Gulnara Karimova, the playgirl daughter of Uzbekistan’s septuagenarian dictator Islam “Let them eat bullets” Karimov. … Helping her is the well-known Russian pop-music composer Maksim Fadeyev, who has followed in the footsteps of Sting by accepting a healthy wad of Googosha’s dad’s blood-stained cash.”

“Perhaps Ms. Karimova could try clapping faster to the cadre of high paid producers that put together this garbage for her.”

We wish Gulnara the best in her newest fake career and hope that she tours America like Amter, an A&R guy for Warner/Chappell Music, proposes: “The best way for her to promote her album is to actually be in America via a tour or at least promotional dates to try and have authentic interactions with fans.” Wonkette can hold one of our now-famous dive-bar gatherings at a GooGoosha tour venue near you!

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines
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    1. sullivanst

      It's a trap!

      Seriously, if she likes it, she'll murder your family one by one if you ever try to leave. So make sure she doesn't like it.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      If you do, you'd better call her the next day. And the next day. And the next day.

      Unless you want your gonads wired to a Diehard.

  1. PsycWench

    Swear to God I thought at first the headline said "DICTATOR’S DAUGHTER GULNARA KARIMOVA BUYING HER VA-JAY-JAY".
    Perhaps that comes next.

  2. nounverb911

    The Grammy Awards announced today that Gulnara Karimova will win all of next years Grammys or else.

  3. actor212

    Hm. I see a marketing tie-in with the Goo Goo Dolls, who will also whore themselves out cheaply and not coincidentally, are also all children of Eastern European murderous tyrants¹

    ¹not necessarily a factual statement

    1. metamarcisf

      Most of my neighbors in Buffalo were children of murderous tyrants. And drunken Bills fans.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Love is a Cotton Field?
    A Cover of Nine Inch Nails, "Head Like A Hole"? – "Bow down to the one you serve…"
    Brittany Spear's "Toxic"?
    Madonna's "Material Girl?"

  5. noodlesalad

    After seeing this, Herman Cain is strongly reconsidering his previous commentary on Goo-goo-goo-goosha and uz-beki-beki-beki-stan.

  6. Callyson

    From the YouTube video with Round Run (no, I am not posting the link, that would be sadistic):

    "From her desire for self-expression came her poems. From her poems came the music.
    Meet Googoosha…..poet, mezzo soprano, designer and exotic Uzbekistan beauty." (c) realgoogoosha.com

    Oh, and the lyrics include "You don't have to fake it." Um, yeah, I'll take your word for it, honey…

    1. sullivanst

      Oh, and the lyrics include "You don't have to fake it." Um, yeah, I'll take your word for it, honey…

      Oh, so that explains the jawdropping amounts of airbrush in her wrap cover. Wait, what?

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      Okay, I need the help of any Wonkers who were brave enough to try to listen to her "music"?
      Because I want to know: "…mezzo soprano…"? Really?

      1. deelzebub

        That's just her publicist admitting she can't hit the high notes and isn't ballsy enough to admit she's an alto.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          She's trying to be a pop singer, right?
          You see, this is a pet peeve of mine: If she wasn't classically-trained (or, at very least, grew up learning how to sing in church), I think it's pretentious to use a term like "mezzo soprano".
          But who knows? Maybe her daddy had all those vocal teachers who told her she couldn't sing killed.

  7. ChernobylSoup

    Folks, this is my fault. We were young and in love. Spent 20 hours a day in bed; she'd spend the other 4 cleaning the house. Then she told me she wanted to spend more time feeding the hungry and helping the homeless.

    So I dumped her.

    How was I to know how she'd react?

  8. edgydrifter

    Herman Cain is trying to book a flight to Uzbekibekibekistanstan this very second. Googoogooshasha is his kind of lady.

  9. TribecaMike

    Her song "All My Ex's Live in Prison" has a nice beating and you can torture to it.

    1. Extemporanus

      Mine's Ken Osha.

      "Hey dere! One of yous order a kielbasa?"

      ♪♫ OOM PAH-pah! OOM PAH-pah! ♪♫

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    Reminds me of the ad in a British paper I saw 30 years ago for some American disco group that was playing in Manchester. The ad wanted to say the band was known for being on American Bandstand. Instead, they were known for their "Outrageous live show on the American Standard!"

  11. OldWhiteLies

    Maybe one of her minions told her that look is sultry.

    Looks more to me like the face of a tyrant looking down upon some poor subject – or perhaps a dissatisfactory lover – on his hands and knees, sentencing him to on-the-spot beheading. After which she will smile with satisfaction. And some time after she has lingered with smug satisfaction on the resulting scene of horror, she'll command other minions to clean up "the mess."

    Take a good look at that face and tell me I'm wrong.

    1. lisawines

      I was wondering what the "real" part was – maybe a defensive move, knowing that we all accuse her of being fake? But it could have just been GoDaddy saying, "Sorry, GooGoosha.com is taken. How about .info?"

          1. Chet Kincaid

            What if she read all your posts, and through the magic of poor English skills didn't realize you were mocking her, and offered you googoogobs of money to be her publicist? It'll be both funnier and more terrifying than The Last King Of Scotland!!

          2. lisawines

            If she wasn't such a black widow I'd enjoy having fun with that. "No, no GooGosha, in America it's the BEST thing for your career to the Creation Museum with Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck and then we've got you booked on a new game show, Dial-A-Dictator and then we have you speaking at the annual Human Rights Watch gathering…"

  12. sullivanst

    The beatings will continue until Gulnara's popularity improves.

    And seriously, how much fucking airbrush was applied to that picture? That's just ridiculous.

  13. Antispandex

    Let's face it. The way that girl looks, there is a long list of things that she will never have to buy. Popularity is just one of them. In fact, I am willing to bet she has never bought a drink in her life.

  14. Nesnora

    Holy fuck that's photoshopped. Like… the entire thing looks like someone went nuts with a waccom tablet.

  15. James Michael Curley

    GooGoosha is what we called what the doga left on the lawn every day when the kid was three.

  16. barto

    I think this bodes well for the music industry in general. The trend away from talent has been noticeable for a while (remember when Oasis was "as big as the Beatles"?). Now, if you're the offspring of a ruthless dictator, at least you'll have a decent shot at the big time. Maybe I shouldn't say shot…

  17. joobajooba

    This brings me back to a bar in Jackson, Wyoming in 1979, with Hank Thomson' s "Squaws Along the Yukon" on the jukebox.:
    …Ooga ooga mooshka which means that I love you
    If you will be my baby I'll ooga ooga mooshka you
    Then I take her hand in mine and set her on my knee
    The squaws along the Yukon are good enough for me…

  18. deelzebub

    I'm torn. I mean, I love Robyn, can take or leave Dragonette, and can't stand Hitler (his overuse of synthesizers is so 80's and not in a good way.) I don't know whether I'll like her or not. No, wait, I do. She's a blood money trust fund cunt. I'll pass. I'm way too busy listening to the genius new Fiona Apple anyway.

  19. ttommyunger

    So she sings, who doesn't nowadays? Does she play the skin flute? Swallow the music? Inquiring assholes want to know. BTW, fuck her and the daddy she rode in on.

  20. MoeDeLawn

    So we now have a new category: DDILF?

    Also, the photoshoppers must've been inspired by that actress from NYPD Blue that Dennis Franz was banging…

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