POP POP POP POP MUSIC  4:45 pm June 21, 2012

Dictator’s Daughter Gulnara Karimova Buying Her Pop-Ularity

by Lisa Wines

Wonkette’s favorite dictator’s daughter, Uzbekistan’s Gulnara Karimova, has been laying low since the embarrassment of her failed New York fashion launch and the online kerfuffle about her relationship with Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure. It looks like fashion gets all messy when you use slaves to pick your cotton, and philanthropy as a self-promotion strategy didn’t work out very well for her either. But, if you have lots of dictatory money, you can buy yourself pop stardom or a good facsimile!

This month, under the coochie-coo nickname her murdering daddy gave her, GooGoosha, Karimova launched her new English-language pop album and claimed on her website that she was interviewed by CNN and that Billboard did a “stellar review” of the album’s single “Round Run.” But that page has since been mysteriously removed. (But our source for all things Gulnara over at Eurasia.net saw ‘em.) Evidently, even before the articles were removed, the links provided to the CNN interview and Billboard magazine article took you to a page that said “Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text…” A search on CNN and Billboard websites comes up with nada.

For more liar-liar-pants-on-fireness, on GooGoosha’s Facebook page she wrote, “Look … June 16 issue of Billboard magazine!!” with a lovely picture showing what looks like her highness on the cover of Billboard magazine. And on Twitter she said, “Check out the current issue of Billboard! (June 16 issue),” implying that she is actually on the cover. However, upon close inspection, one can see something at the top of the magazine cover which says “advertisement,” which means it was probably a “wrap cover” that goes on the outside of print magazines. The budding popdicatorette had to buy that exposure. She also bought a Twitter promotion campaign – the kind that sends out gazillions of annoying tweets that all say the same thing with just a little change at the front end – “Love Dragonette? Follow dance pop sensation @realgoogoosha & check out her latest music, including the hot new single “Round Run!” Love Robyn? Love Paul Van Dyk? Love Hitler? and on and on until the tweet machine ran out of popstar names and/or all her followers blocked her.

We know you’re dying to hear her album, and you’ll be pleased to know it’s available on Amazon, where the reviews are pure gold. Just a sample:

“…the tracks on the album sound like Gulunara (sorry I mean Guli, or uh, Googoosha?) was in the room with a tape recorder, sampling the tortured screams of some poor sap who dared to question the viability of kleptocratic totalitarianism as a political system.”

“Meet Gulnara Karimova, the playgirl daughter of Uzbekistan’s septuagenarian dictator Islam “Let them eat bullets” Karimov. … Helping her is the well-known Russian pop-music composer Maksim Fadeyev, who has followed in the footsteps of Sting by accepting a healthy wad of Googosha’s dad’s blood-stained cash.”

“Perhaps Ms. Karimova could try clapping faster to the cadre of high paid producers that put together this garbage for her.”

We wish Gulnara the best in her newest fake career and hope that she tours America like Amter, an A&R guy for Warner/Chappell Music, proposes: “The best way for her to promote her album is to actually be in America via a tour or at least promotional dates to try and have authentic interactions with fans.” Wonkette can hold one of our now-famous dive-bar gatherings at a GooGoosha tour venue near you!

 
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{ 105 comments }

nounverb911 June 21, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Why wasn't she on the conservatards top 20 list of conservatards?

lisawines June 21, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Because she was born in Kenya. EVERYBODY knows that!

arihaya June 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Because she is Mooslim, duh.

Callyson June 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm

And this woman did not make the list of 20 Hottest Conservative Women because…?

Butch_Wagstaff June 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

They couldn't pronounce her name?

Callyson June 22, 2012 at 1:27 am

Ding ding ding! (I should have thought of that…)

lulzmonger June 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Because she actually puts her Dad's blood-money where her mouth is.

actor212 June 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I'd still totally do her. Only she'd have to turn off the music

sullivanst June 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm

It's a trap!

Seriously, if she likes it, she'll murder your family one by one if you ever try to leave. So make sure she doesn't like it.

MOG2410 June 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Or turn it up really loud so no one can hear you scream.

Tundra Grifter June 22, 2012 at 5:55 pm

If you do, you'd better call her the next day. And the next day. And the next day.

Unless you want your gonads wired to a Diehard.

PsycWench June 21, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Swear to God I thought at first the headline said "DICTATOR’S DAUGHTER GULNARA KARIMOVA BUYING HER VA-JAY-JAY".
Perhaps that comes next.

Boojum June 21, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Buying, selling, who can tell?

nounverb911 June 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

The Grammy Awards announced today that Gulnara Karimova will win all of next years Grammys or else.

MOG2410 June 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

And you vill like it!

Boojum June 21, 2012 at 7:49 pm

And kill Moose and Squirrel.

Steverino247 June 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Too bad the Gulag tour of Siberia got cancelled in the '90's.

actor212 June 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Hm. I see a marketing tie-in with the Goo Goo Dolls, who will also whore themselves out cheaply and not coincidentally, are also all children of Eastern European murderous tyrants¹

¹not necessarily a factual statement

nounverb911 June 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Also that Bush twat on the Today Show.

metamarcisf June 22, 2012 at 12:16 am

Most of my neighbors in Buffalo were children of murderous tyrants. And drunken Bills fans.

ManchuCandidate June 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Love is a Cotton Field?
A Cover of Nine Inch Nails, "Head Like A Hole"? – "Bow down to the one you serve…"
Brittany Spear's "Toxic"?
Madonna's "Material Girl?"

MLHencken June 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Great, now we have managed to somehow export Paris Hilton.

Shoot me now.

nounverb911 June 21, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Why should we have all the fun?

noodlesalad June 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

After seeing this, Herman Cain is strongly reconsidering his previous commentary on Goo-goo-goo-goosha and uz-beki-beki-beki-stan.

edgydrifter June 21, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Totally beat me to it. Well played.

edgydrifter June 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I'd hit it… but I'd want to get a really good head start afterwards.

deelzebub June 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Your answer lies in BDSM….do NOT let her be the domme.

Butch_Wagstaff June 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

You'd be tied up for days. Literally.

deelzebub June 21, 2012 at 10:51 pm

More like years.

Tundra Grifter June 22, 2012 at 5:56 pm

You wouldn't make it to the palace wall.

MissTaken June 21, 2012 at 4:53 pm

The sideboob is strong with this one.

Baconzgood June 21, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Shit sandwich.

Exhausted66 June 21, 2012 at 5:07 pm

"merely a two word review…"

doloras June 21, 2012 at 11:15 pm

You can't print that! That's never real!

SexySmurf June 21, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I bet her lead single goes to number one with a bullet.

TribecaMike June 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Worst Game of Thrones character ever.

Generation[redacted] June 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Except she wouldn't apologize for having George Bush's head on a pike.

Callyson June 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

From the YouTube video with Round Run (no, I am not posting the link, that would be sadistic):

"From her desire for self-expression came her poems. From her poems came the music.
Meet Googoosha…..poet, mezzo soprano, designer and exotic Uzbekistan beauty." (c) realgoogoosha.com

Oh, and the lyrics include "You don't have to fake it." Um, yeah, I'll take your word for it, honey…

sullivanst June 21, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Oh, and the lyrics include "You don't have to fake it." Um, yeah, I'll take your word for it, honey…

Oh, so that explains the jawdropping amounts of airbrush in her wrap cover. Wait, what?

Butch_Wagstaff June 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Okay, I need the help of any Wonkers who were brave enough to try to listen to her "music"?
Because I want to know: "…mezzo soprano…"? Really?

deelzebub June 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

That's just her publicist admitting she can't hit the high notes and isn't ballsy enough to admit she's an alto.

Butch_Wagstaff June 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

She's trying to be a pop singer, right?
You see, this is a pet peeve of mine: If she wasn't classically-trained (or, at very least, grew up learning how to sing in church), I think it's pretentious to use a term like "mezzo soprano".
But who knows? Maybe her daddy had all those vocal teachers who told her she couldn't sing killed.

mavenmaven June 21, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Even her name is stolen! There is a celebrated Persian singer, who this wannabee would definitely know, whose work was on that great compilation of pre-khoumeini Persian psychedelia, named Googoosh… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googoosh

EatsBabyDingos June 21, 2012 at 4:55 pm

If she has sex with a Yukon Gold, will her child be a popdictatortot?

nounverb911 June 21, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Todd?

smokefilledroommate June 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm

What about the B-side, 'Boiled Alive'?

LionHeartSoyDog June 21, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Wow. Kudos. That is H.L.Menckenian.

ChernobylSoup June 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Folks, this is my fault. We were young and in love. Spent 20 hours a day in bed; she'd spend the other 4 cleaning the house. Then she told me she wanted to spend more time feeding the hungry and helping the homeless.

So I dumped her.

How was I to know how she'd react?

FlownOver June 21, 2012 at 4:57 pm

OK, now how the fuck do I get my eardrums to heal, once I've pulled the knitting needles back out?

SayItWithWookies June 21, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I love her hit single, "Flay Lady, Flay."

Sharkey June 21, 2012 at 5:00 pm

So money can buy you luv.

Love Trained Squirrels? My daddy will buy me one.

edgydrifter June 21, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Herman Cain is trying to book a flight to Uzbekibekibekistanstan this very second. Googoogooshasha is his kind of lady.

Preferred Customer June 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm

You want a hit single, don't you?

Guppy June 21, 2012 at 5:04 pm

"You want the job, don't you?"
"You want your fingernails pulled out, don't you?"

starfanglednut June 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm

After America, I hope she tours the Hague.

TribecaMike June 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Her song "All My Ex's Live in Prison" has a nice beating and you can torture to it.

coolhandnuke June 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm

She could sit on my face…only to drown out her music.

DerrickWildcat June 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Sorry, GooGoosha is my porn name. She's gonna have to find a new name.

Extemporanus June 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Mine's Ken Osha.

"Hey dere! One of yous order a kielbasa?"

♪♫ OOM PAH-pah! OOM PAH-pah! ♪♫

Extemporanus June 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm

KAJAGOOGOOSHANANAHA!

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 21, 2012 at 5:14 pm

That spans sixty years of pop music suck.

Extemporanus June 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Dude, super group KajaGooGooShaNaNaHA rocked Lollapalooza 2002!

doloras June 21, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Now I'm imagine the unholy ass-baby of Limahl and Bowser.

EatsBabyDingos June 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Reminds me of the ad in a British paper I saw 30 years ago for some American disco group that was playing in Manchester. The ad wanted to say the band was known for being on American Bandstand. Instead, they were known for their "Outrageous live show on the American Standard!"

bumfug June 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Maybe they'd take her seriously if she got Chris Brown to beat her up.

Chet Kincaid June 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm

In Uzbekistan, Gulnara beat Chris Brown up!!

Tyrannically_Joe June 21, 2012 at 6:46 pm

In Uzbekibekistanstanstan, nobody knows anything about Herman Cain!!

starfanglednut June 21, 2012 at 5:03 pm

The pertinent question here is: at one point does crippling narcissistic personality disorder become sociopathy?

redarmybarbie June 21, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Yes.

OldWhiteLies June 21, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Maybe one of her minions told her that look is sultry.

Looks more to me like the face of a tyrant looking down upon some poor subject – or perhaps a dissatisfactory lover – on his hands and knees, sentencing him to on-the-spot beheading. After which she will smile with satisfaction. And some time after she has lingered with smug satisfaction on the resulting scene of horror, she'll command other minions to clean up "the mess."

Take a good look at that face and tell me I'm wrong.

sullivanst June 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

No way I'm taking a "good" look at that face. But you're not wrong.

Sharkey June 21, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I'm rather shocked to see she didn't buy googoosha.com.

lisawines June 21, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I was wondering what the "real" part was – maybe a defensive move, knowing that we all accuse her of being fake? But it could have just been GoDaddy saying, "Sorry, GooGoosha.com is taken. How about .info?"

Sharkey June 21, 2012 at 5:31 pm

And you just know she used GoDaddy.

(BTW, this gal is hilarious, don't stop covering her!)

lisawines June 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Thanks Sharkey! I didn't want you guys to get bored but she just keeps handing us snarkable gifts!

Chet Kincaid June 21, 2012 at 6:38 pm

What if she read all your posts, and through the magic of poor English skills didn't realize you were mocking her, and offered you googoogobs of money to be her publicist? It'll be both funnier and more terrifying than The Last King Of Scotland!!

Indiepalin June 21, 2012 at 5:07 pm

She also provided the soundtrack for "Hostel: Part Deux"

Generation[redacted] June 21, 2012 at 5:12 pm

That was a documentary about her ex-boyfriends.

owhatever June 21, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Sulagna Misra ,,, Gulnara Karimova

Coincidence? I think not.

sullivanst June 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm

The beatings will continue until Gulnara's popularity improves.

And seriously, how much fucking airbrush was applied to that picture? That's just ridiculous.

Antispandex June 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Let's face it. The way that girl looks, there is a long list of things that she will never have to buy. Popularity is just one of them. In fact, I am willing to bet she has never bought a drink in her life.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Is this Borat's sister?

weejee June 21, 2012 at 5:12 pm

“Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text…

And here I thought Lorem Ipsum played Maddalena in Fellini's La Dolce Vita.

Nesnora June 21, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Holy fuck that's photoshopped. Like… the entire thing looks like someone went nuts with a waccom tablet.

James Michael Curley June 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

GooGoosha is what we called what the doga left on the lawn every day when the kid was three.

neiltheblaze June 21, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Gosh, I hope she sings phonetically.

barto June 21, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I think this bodes well for the music industry in general. The trend away from talent has been noticeable for a while (remember when Oasis was "as big as the Beatles"?). Now, if you're the offspring of a ruthless dictator, at least you'll have a decent shot at the big time. Maybe I shouldn't say shot…

gunnergoz June 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

When Money can buy what talent can not.

Comrade Wingtardd June 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I don't smell any wingtard here, just tard. I thought Gawker handled that! Wingtardz only, please.

joobajooba June 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm

This brings me back to a bar in Jackson, Wyoming in 1979, with Hank Thomson' s "Squaws Along the Yukon" on the jukebox.:
…Ooga ooga mooshka which means that I love you
If you will be my baby I'll ooga ooga mooshka you
Then I take her hand in mine and set her on my knee
The squaws along the Yukon are good enough for me…

lisawines June 21, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I remember that song! uh-oh.

Tundra Grifter June 22, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Was that back when Sarah Palin was just getting to know Glenn Rice?

Estproph June 21, 2012 at 4:58 pm

She has bone in brain! All Uzbeks are assholes! They have inferior potassium!

Fairtackle June 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm

She appears to have put lyrics to those pre-programmed tunes on her Casio.

Chet Kincaid June 21, 2012 at 7:28 pm

She had previously shopped her EP, "Super Mario Bros.", to all the major labels.

TribecaMike June 21, 2012 at 7:52 pm

With that name, why isn't she playing professional tennis?

Tundra Grifter June 22, 2012 at 5:59 pm

With those looks she wouldn't even have to win!

deelzebub June 21, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I'm torn. I mean, I love Robyn, can take or leave Dragonette, and can't stand Hitler (his overuse of synthesizers is so 80's and not in a good way.) I don't know whether I'll like her or not. No, wait, I do. She's a blood money trust fund cunt. I'll pass. I'm way too busy listening to the genius new Fiona Apple anyway.

xenophone1 June 21, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Eh – she's no Yonica Babyyeah…

ttommyunger June 21, 2012 at 8:33 pm

So she sings, who doesn't nowadays? Does she play the skin flute? Swallow the music? Inquiring assholes want to know. BTW, fuck her and the daddy she rode in on.

not that Radio June 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Has she married Tommy Mottola yet?

redarmybarbie June 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Sacha Baron Cohen, is that you?

Deuce_MacInaugh June 22, 2012 at 8:06 am

Her album's on Spotify. Rejoice!

MoeDeLawn June 22, 2012 at 9:32 am

So we now have a new category: DDILF?

Also, the photoshoppers must've been inspired by that actress from NYPD Blue that Dennis Franz was banging…

lisawines June 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm

If she wasn't such a black widow I'd enjoy having fun with that. "No, no GooGosha, in America it's the BEST thing for your career to the Creation Museum with Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck and then we've got you booked on a new game show, Dial-A-Dictator and then we have you speaking at the annual Human Rights Watch gathering…"

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