pop pop pop pop music

Dictator’s Daughter Gulnara Karimova Buying Her Pop-Ularity

Wonkette’s favorite dictator’s daughter, Uzbekistan’s Gulnara Karimova, has been laying low since the embarrassment of her failed New York fashion launch and the online kerfuffle about her relationship with Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure. It looks like fashion gets all messy when you use slaves to pick your cotton, and philanthropy as a self-promotion strategy didn’t work out very well for her either. But, if you have lots of dictatory money, you can buy yourself pop stardom or a good facsimile!

This month, under the coochie-coo nickname her murdering daddy gave her, GooGoosha, Karimova launched her new English-language pop album and claimed on her website that she was interviewed by CNN and that Billboard did a “stellar review” of the album’s single “Round Run.” But that page has since been mysteriously removed. (But our source for all things Gulnara over at Eurasia.net saw ’em.) Evidently, even before the articles were removed, the links provided to the CNN interview and Billboard magazine article took you to a page that said “Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text…” A search on CNN and Billboard websites comes up with nada.

For more liar-liar-pants-on-fireness, on GooGoosha’s Facebook page she wrote, “Look … June 16 issue of Billboard magazine!!” with a lovely picture showing what looks like her highness on the cover of Billboard magazine. And on Twitter she said, “Check out the current issue of Billboard! (June 16 issue),” implying that she is actually on the cover. However, upon close inspection, one can see something at the top of the magazine cover which says “advertisement,” which means it was probably a “wrap cover” that goes on the outside of print magazines. The budding popdicatorette had to buy that exposure. She also bought a Twitter promotion campaign – the kind that sends out gazillions of annoying tweets that all say the same thing with just a little change at the front end – “Love Dragonette? Follow dance pop sensation @realgoogoosha & check out her latest music, including the hot new single “Round Run!” Love Robyn? Love Paul Van Dyk? Love Hitler? and on and on until the tweet machine ran out of popstar names and/or all her followers blocked her.

We know you’re dying to hear her album, and you’ll be pleased to know it’s available on Amazon, where the reviews are pure gold. Just a sample:

“…the tracks on the album sound like Gulunara (sorry I mean Guli, or uh, Googoosha?) was in the room with a tape recorder, sampling the tortured screams of some poor sap who dared to question the viability of kleptocratic totalitarianism as a political system.”

“Meet Gulnara Karimova, the playgirl daughter of Uzbekistan’s septuagenarian dictator Islam “Let them eat bullets” Karimov. … Helping her is the well-known Russian pop-music composer Maksim Fadeyev, who has followed in the footsteps of Sting by accepting a healthy wad of Googosha’s dad’s blood-stained cash.”

“Perhaps Ms. Karimova could try clapping faster to the cadre of high paid producers that put together this garbage for her.”

We wish Gulnara the best in her newest fake career and hope that she tours America like Amter, an A&R guy for Warner/Chappell Music, proposes: “The best way for her to promote her album is to actually be in America via a tour or at least promotional dates to try and have authentic interactions with fans.” Wonkette can hold one of our now-famous dive-bar gatherings at a GooGoosha tour venue near you!

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Why wasn't she on the conservatards top 20 list of conservatards?

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      Because she was born in Kenya. EVERYBODY knows that!

    • arihaya

      Because she is Mooslim, duh.

  • Callyson

    And this woman did not make the list of 20 Hottest Conservative Women because…?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      They couldn't pronounce her name?

      • Callyson

        Ding ding ding! (I should have thought of that…)

    • lulzmonger

      Because she actually puts her Dad's blood-money where her mouth is.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'd still totally do her. Only she'd have to turn off the music

    • sullivanst

      It's a trap!

      Seriously, if she likes it, she'll murder your family one by one if you ever try to leave. So make sure she doesn't like it.

    • MOG2410

      Or turn it up really loud so no one can hear you scream.

    • Tundra Grifter

      If you do, you'd better call her the next day. And the next day. And the next day.

      Unless you want your gonads wired to a Diehard.

  • PsycWench

    Swear to God I thought at first the headline said "DICTATOR’S DAUGHTER GULNARA KARIMOVA BUYING HER VA-JAY-JAY".
    Perhaps that comes next.

    • Boojum

      Buying, selling, who can tell?

  • nounverb911

    The Grammy Awards announced today that Gulnara Karimova will win all of next years Grammys or else.

    • MOG2410

      And you vill like it!

    • Boojum

      And kill Moose and Squirrel.

  • Steverino247

    Too bad the Gulag tour of Siberia got cancelled in the '90's.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hm. I see a marketing tie-in with the Goo Goo Dolls, who will also whore themselves out cheaply and not coincidentally, are also all children of Eastern European murderous tyrants¹

    ¹not necessarily a factual statement

    • nounverb911

      Also that Bush twat on the Today Show.

    • metamarcisf

      Most of my neighbors in Buffalo were children of murderous tyrants. And drunken Bills fans.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Love is a Cotton Field?
    A Cover of Nine Inch Nails, "Head Like A Hole"? – "Bow down to the one you serve…"
    Brittany Spear's "Toxic"?
    Madonna's "Material Girl?"

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Great, now we have managed to somehow export Paris Hilton.

    Shoot me now.

    • nounverb911

      Why should we have all the fun?

  • noodlesalad

    After seeing this, Herman Cain is strongly reconsidering his previous commentary on Goo-goo-goo-goosha and uz-beki-beki-beki-stan.

    • edgydrifter

      Totally beat me to it. Well played.

  • edgydrifter

    I'd hit it… but I'd want to get a really good head start afterwards.

    • deelzebub

      Your answer lies in BDSM….do NOT let her be the domme.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        You'd be tied up for days. Literally.

        • deelzebub

          More like years.

    • Tundra Grifter

      You wouldn't make it to the palace wall.

  • MissTaken

    The sideboob is strong with this one.

  • Baconzgood

    Shit sandwich.

    • Exhausted66

      "merely a two word review…"

    • doloras

      You can't print that! That's never real!

  • SexySmurf

    I bet her lead single goes to number one with a bullet.

  • TribecaMike

    Worst Game of Thrones character ever.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Except she wouldn't apologize for having George Bush's head on a pike.

  • Callyson

    From the YouTube video with Round Run (no, I am not posting the link, that would be sadistic):

    "From her desire for self-expression came her poems. From her poems came the music.
    Meet Googoosha…..poet, mezzo soprano, designer and exotic Uzbekistan beauty." (c) realgoogoosha.com

    Oh, and the lyrics include "You don't have to fake it." Um, yeah, I'll take your word for it, honey…

    • sullivanst

      Oh, and the lyrics include "You don't have to fake it." Um, yeah, I'll take your word for it, honey…

      Oh, so that explains the jawdropping amounts of airbrush in her wrap cover. Wait, what?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Okay, I need the help of any Wonkers who were brave enough to try to listen to her "music"?
      Because I want to know: "…mezzo soprano…"? Really?

      • deelzebub

        That's just her publicist admitting she can't hit the high notes and isn't ballsy enough to admit she's an alto.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          She's trying to be a pop singer, right?
          You see, this is a pet peeve of mine: If she wasn't classically-trained (or, at very least, grew up learning how to sing in church), I think it's pretentious to use a term like "mezzo soprano".
          But who knows? Maybe her daddy had all those vocal teachers who told her she couldn't sing killed.

  • mavenmaven

    Even her name is stolen! There is a celebrated Persian singer, who this wannabee would definitely know, whose work was on that great compilation of pre-khoumeini Persian psychedelia, named Googoosh… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googoosh

  • EatsBabyDingos

    If she has sex with a Yukon Gold, will her child be a popdictatortot?

    • nounverb911

      Todd?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    What about the B-side, 'Boiled Alive'?

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Wow. Kudos. That is H.L.Menckenian.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Folks, this is my fault. We were young and in love. Spent 20 hours a day in bed; she'd spend the other 4 cleaning the house. Then she told me she wanted to spend more time feeding the hungry and helping the homeless.

    So I dumped her.

    How was I to know how she'd react?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    OK, now how the fuck do I get my eardrums to heal, once I've pulled the knitting needles back out?

  • SayItWithWookies

    I love her hit single, "Flay Lady, Flay."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    So money can buy you luv.

    Love Trained Squirrels? My daddy will buy me one.

  • edgydrifter

    Herman Cain is trying to book a flight to Uzbekibekibekistanstan this very second. Googoogooshasha is his kind of lady.

    • Preferred Customer

      You want a hit single, don't you?

    • Guppy

      "You want the job, don't you?"
      "You want your fingernails pulled out, don't you?"

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    After America, I hope she tours the Hague.

  • TribecaMike

    Her song "All My Ex's Live in Prison" has a nice beating and you can torture to it.

  • coolhandnuke

    She could sit on my face…only to drown out her music.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Sorry, GooGoosha is my porn name. She's gonna have to find a new name.

    • Extemporanus

      Mine's Ken Osha.

      "Hey dere! One of yous order a kielbasa?"

      ♪♫ OOM PAH-pah! OOM PAH-pah! ♪♫

  • Extemporanus

    KAJAGOOGOOSHANANAHA!

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      That spans sixty years of pop music suck.

      • Extemporanus

        Dude, super group KajaGooGooShaNaNaHA rocked Lollapalooza 2002!

        • doloras

          Now I'm imagine the unholy ass-baby of Limahl and Bowser.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Reminds me of the ad in a British paper I saw 30 years ago for some American disco group that was playing in Manchester. The ad wanted to say the band was known for being on American Bandstand. Instead, they were known for their "Outrageous live show on the American Standard!"

  • bumfug

    Maybe they'd take her seriously if she got Chris Brown to beat her up.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      In Uzbekistan, Gulnara beat Chris Brown up!!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Tyrannically_Joe

        In Uzbekibekistanstanstan, nobody knows anything about Herman Cain!!

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    The pertinent question here is: at one point does crippling narcissistic personality disorder become sociopathy?

    • redarmybarbie

      Yes.

  • OldWhiteLies

    Maybe one of her minions told her that look is sultry.

    Looks more to me like the face of a tyrant looking down upon some poor subject – or perhaps a dissatisfactory lover – on his hands and knees, sentencing him to on-the-spot beheading. After which she will smile with satisfaction. And some time after she has lingered with smug satisfaction on the resulting scene of horror, she'll command other minions to clean up "the mess."

    Take a good look at that face and tell me I'm wrong.

    • sullivanst

      No way I'm taking a "good" look at that face. But you're not wrong.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I'm rather shocked to see she didn't buy googoosha.com.

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      I was wondering what the "real" part was – maybe a defensive move, knowing that we all accuse her of being fake? But it could have just been GoDaddy saying, "Sorry, GooGoosha.com is taken. How about .info?"

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        And you just know she used GoDaddy.

        (BTW, this gal is hilarious, don't stop covering her!)

        • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

          Thanks Sharkey! I didn't want you guys to get bored but she just keeps handing us snarkable gifts!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

            What if she read all your posts, and through the magic of poor English skills didn't realize you were mocking her, and offered you googoogobs of money to be her publicist? It'll be both funnier and more terrifying than The Last King Of Scotland!!

          • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

            If she wasn't such a black widow I'd enjoy having fun with that. "No, no GooGosha, in America it's the BEST thing for your career to the Creation Museum with Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck and then we've got you booked on a new game show, Dial-A-Dictator and then we have you speaking at the annual Human Rights Watch gathering…"

  • Indiepalin

    She also provided the soundtrack for "Hostel: Part Deux"

    • Generation[redacted]

      That was a documentary about her ex-boyfriends.

  • owhatever

    Sulagna Misra ,,, Gulnara Karimova

    Coincidence? I think not.

  • sullivanst

    The beatings will continue until Gulnara's popularity improves.

    And seriously, how much fucking airbrush was applied to that picture? That's just ridiculous.

  • Antispandex

    Let's face it. The way that girl looks, there is a long list of things that she will never have to buy. Popularity is just one of them. In fact, I am willing to bet she has never bought a drink in her life.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Is this Borat's sister?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    “Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text…

    And here I thought Lorem Ipsum played Maddalena in Fellini's La Dolce Vita.

  • Nesnora

    Holy fuck that's photoshopped. Like… the entire thing looks like someone went nuts with a waccom tablet.

  • James Michael Curley

    GooGoosha is what we called what the doga left on the lawn every day when the kid was three.

  • neiltheblaze

    Gosh, I hope she sings phonetically.

  • barto

    I think this bodes well for the music industry in general. The trend away from talent has been noticeable for a while (remember when Oasis was "as big as the Beatles"?). Now, if you're the offspring of a ruthless dictator, at least you'll have a decent shot at the big time. Maybe I shouldn't say shot…

  • gunnergoz

    When Money can buy what talent can not.

  • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Comrade Wingtardd

    I don't smell any wingtard here, just tard. I thought Gawker handled that! Wingtardz only, please.

  • joobajooba

    This brings me back to a bar in Jackson, Wyoming in 1979, with Hank Thomson' s "Squaws Along the Yukon" on the jukebox.:
    …Ooga ooga mooshka which means that I love you
    If you will be my baby I'll ooga ooga mooshka you
    Then I take her hand in mine and set her on my knee
    The squaws along the Yukon are good enough for me…

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      I remember that song! uh-oh.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Was that back when Sarah Palin was just getting to know Glenn Rice?

  • Estproph

    She has bone in brain! All Uzbeks are assholes! They have inferior potassium!

  • Fairtackle

    She appears to have put lyrics to those pre-programmed tunes on her Casio.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      She had previously shopped her EP, "Super Mario Bros.", to all the major labels.

  • TribecaMike

    With that name, why isn't she playing professional tennis?

    • Tundra Grifter

      With those looks she wouldn't even have to win!

  • deelzebub

    I'm torn. I mean, I love Robyn, can take or leave Dragonette, and can't stand Hitler (his overuse of synthesizers is so 80's and not in a good way.) I don't know whether I'll like her or not. No, wait, I do. She's a blood money trust fund cunt. I'll pass. I'm way too busy listening to the genius new Fiona Apple anyway.

  • xenophone1

    Eh – she's no Yonica Babyyeah…

  • ttommyunger

    So she sings, who doesn't nowadays? Does she play the skin flute? Swallow the music? Inquiring assholes want to know. BTW, fuck her and the daddy she rode in on.

  • not that Radio

    Has she married Tommy Mottola yet?

  • redarmybarbie

    Sacha Baron Cohen, is that you?

  • Deuce_MacInaugh

    Her album's on Spotify. Rejoice!

  • MoeDeLawn

    So we now have a new category: DDILF?

    Also, the photoshoppers must've been inspired by that actress from NYPD Blue that Dennis Franz was banging…