SPIES LIKE HIM  12:45 pm June 21, 2012

Which Kings And Queens Is Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown A Secret Agent For?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

CommonHere was an odd little brag from the People’s Senator, the fanny for the common man, the rootin’-est, tootin’-est Playgirl model to ever bare his treasure trail in the US Congress:

“Each and every day that I’ve been a United States senator, I’ve been discussing issues, meeting on issues, in secret meetings with kings and queens and prime ministers and business leaders and military leaders, talking, voting, working on issues every single day.”

And that prompts the terribly important questions of who are these kings and queens with whom Sen. Brown is having these secret meetings, what have they promised him in exchange for being their mole on the Armed Services and Homeland Security committees, and last but certainly most important: DOES HE BOW?

For Which Kings and Queens Is Scott Brown a Secret Agent?

  • The Pope
  • Prince Albert in a Can
  • The Burger King
  • [TPM]

     

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    { 134 comments }

    Callyson June 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    in secret meetings with queens

    Actually, that's no secret–we all know that you consult with Lindsey Graham on a regular basis.

    littlebigdaddy June 21, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Damn you–beat me to the punch with the Lindsey post!

    scvirginia June 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Pore Lindsey's got a bad rap- is that fair when it was our OTHER senator who got caught with his mouth in Jamie Dimon's crotch on teevee the other day?

    Sassomatic June 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Queen Latifa and King Kong.

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    So there's only two people in the room?

    Hi-yooooo!

    Jus_Wonderin June 21, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    His bow is a practiced maneuver that is likened unto his pubic shaving ritual. Just less moaning.

    Lucidamente1 June 21, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    The Queen of Denial?

    Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    That would be the "Birther Queen" Oily Taint.

    Dashboard Buddha June 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Oh Cleo!

    freakishlywrong June 21, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    He's just trying to pimp those daughters of his out to "royalty".

    savethispatient June 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    The Dairy Queen?
    Of course Senator Brown has got the hang of the Senate already – he didn't mention meeting with his constituents.

    Tundra Grifter June 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    You beat me to it!

    I was going with Burger King and Dairy Queen.

    freakishlywrong June 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    The fuck is up with Republicans named "Scott"?

    TootsStansbury June 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    It's also a brand of ass-wipes! Coincidence?

    freakishlywrong June 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I say not, Toots!

    Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Speaking of TP, here's a short list of evil Koch brothers products to boycott. What a coinkidink that the two biggest A-Holes the world has ever known are in the TP business.

    Angel Soft toilet paper

    Brawny paper towels

    Dixie plates, bowls, napkins and cups

    Mardi Gras napkins and towels

    Quilted Northern toilet paper

    Soft ‘n Gentle toilet paper

    Sparkle napkins

    Vanity Fair napkins

    Zee napkins

    Georgia-Pacific paper products and envelopes
    All Georgia-Pacific lumber and building products

    Stainmaster carpet and Lycra

    freakishlywrong June 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Figures a coupla turds would focus on toilet paper and carpet stains.

    b[redact]opple June 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I don't think any of us will have much trouble boycotting "napkins."

    AncienReggie June 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    The hardest to shop around are Dixie products–those cups and paper plates are certainly the most widely available. But I try.

    If I can't wipe my ass with the Koch brothers themselves, I won't use their products for it either.

    Jus_Wonderin June 21, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    However, I am curious about Sparkle napkins.

    YasserArraFeck June 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Which one has the bits all over the bears ass?

    RayneMan June 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Yasser, I believe that's Charmin… a Proctor & Gamble product.

    P&G used to be in ALEC, so they're not Koch, but they used to sleep with them.

    I guess we can't boycott everything, though…unless they invent stain-free underwear. (which would, again, be a Koch, Inc product)

    scvirginia June 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Y'all forgot Tim Scott (R-SC). Definitely a Koch bros product. Or by-product?

    Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    I noticed that too – they're freekin' everywhere!

    JustPixelz June 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    All that work and his daughters are still available.

    Steverino247 June 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    My boys are single. Have them contact me via Wonkette post.

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Leka, Crown Prince of Albania, approves.

    IncenseDebate June 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    What can Brown do for them?

    slithytoves June 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    What about the doctors, lawyers and Indian chiefs?

    Callyson June 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Slightly O/T, from the Boston Globe's article about Scotty's attempt to do damage control:

    In the same interview, Brown today defended a US House panel that voted Wednesday to hold Attorney General Eric Holder in contempt for not providing documents related to the botched “Fast and Furious” gun-trafficking investigation.
    “Congress was misled, so what are they supposed to do? Say thank you very much? Thanks for misleading us?” Brown said.

    http://www.boston.com/politicalintelligence/2012/

    Yeah, that's what the mushy middle voters who were foolish enough to think that voting Republican would *actually* mean that Congress would focus like a laser on jobs are saying…

    freakishlywrong June 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    ♪ Whistling past the highway bill…

    SayItWithWookies June 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    As a teabagger, Scott Brown meets with people who are inbred enough to be royalty — but don't ruin the illusion for him.

    Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    We have spell check, but no veracity check.

    coolhandnuke June 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    He needs a Dairy Queen swirly.
    A royal flush.

    noodlesalad June 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    King Kong Bundy and the ghost of Freddie Mercury, natch.

    Extemporanus June 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    King Friday XIII and Queen Sara Saturday, I believe.

    valthemus June 21, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I had to scroll down *this* far before someone made reference to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe? Low-hanging fruit, to be sure, but come on! Fred Rogers is giving us all disapproving frowny looks from the astral plane.

    Extemporanus June 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    BOOMERANG! TOOMERANG! ZOOMERANG!

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    In fairness, I feel a sense of unease knowing there's a character named McFeeley on a show from the state of Jerry Sandusky.

    JustPixelz June 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Scott Brown is a secret agent for the Clown Prince of Massachusetts: Mitt Romney.

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Ahem.

    JustPixelz June 21, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Clown libel?

    Sharkey June 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Won't you come see him, Queen Jane?

    Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Miss Wasilla

    weejee June 21, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Not much. Nope, not at all.

    Iffin' that was a question.

    DerrickWildcat June 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Well I know England has a Queen. She just got married or something.

    sewollef June 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    That wasn't a queen, I believe that was Elton John.

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    That wasn't a queen, I believe that was ^^THE QUEEN^^ Elton John.

    FIFY

    sewollef June 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I don't want that floozy in either Kings or Queens county thank you very much.

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Nah, send dat little dick-flashin' man down ta Bensonhoist! Da boys will see to 'im.

    ChernobylSoup June 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Did he make them all promise not to endorse Warren?

    La_Cieca June 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    "In fact, at one of the meetings I met my wife… Angela Merkel! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

    Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I thought it was young Morgan Fairchild – yeah, yeah, that's it!

    Steverino247 June 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I actually met Morgan Fairchild so I can say, "Whom I shook hands with." Sleeping with her, alas, was not an option. Very nice person, too.

    Dashboard Buddha June 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Angela Merkel…whom I've seen naked.

    barto June 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Perhaps he meant drag queens? Ya gotsta meet them in sekret if yur an R.

    iburl June 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    In Austin we have drag kings too. http://zacharyhuntphotography.com/2011/10/18/king

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Nice. Thanks for the link.

    EatsBabyDingos June 21, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Cabbages and kings, but he only listens to the cabbages.

    Extemporanus June 21, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Abe Froman, line 1.

    Schmannnity June 21, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Sounds like he's been playing a lot of poker.

    LastGasp June 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    … the fanny for the common man.

    Ms. Shoenkopf, you are aware that the word "fanny" means something entirely different in the UK, right? Or did you do that deliberately?

    sewollef June 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    I'm a Brit and have lived in the US for 10 years…. still makes me smile when I hear that.

    Whereas, the so-called fucking health service in this country drives me to commit murder several times a week.

    Correction: "…. drives me to WANT to commit murder several times a week."

    savethispatient June 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Me too, I've been here for 6 years. The last time I went to a doctor, it was nice that they took their time doing the check-up, but when I walked out I noticed quite how many admin / support staff the 2 doctors and an APRN had. There were loads… Talk about overheads!
    That said, when people ask me if I miss the UK, I say one word: curry.

    sewollef June 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Curry, as every Brit knows, is England's national dish.

    Fortunately, I have 6th Street in the East Village to satisfy my yearnings for a decent Indian.

    Particularly needed as I was a frequent visitor to Curry Mile in Rusholme (south of Manchester Uni.).

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Our Editrix is a worldy babe, so I'm sure she understands the entendre.

    And I always smile when I listen to that ZZ Top song…"She got hair down to her fanny"…

    ColonelDoctor June 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I think he meant Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters.

    MissTaken June 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Queen of Jordan?

    SorosBot June 21, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    People do love the way that she says "ham".

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Noor reply.

    kingofmeh June 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    it's my way till payday.

    Urban_Achiever June 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    He's just tryin' to score free Olympic tix…..

    sharethegrief June 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Hopefully he'll meet with the Dukes of Hazard in November.

    La_Cieca June 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    "I may have exaggerated a little. But I did have coffee once with Kevin James."

    Texan_Bulldog June 21, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    And I bet he recently stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

    RedneckMuslin June 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Must be Ellery Queen cuz itza mystery.

    Tommmcattt June 21, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    The one on the left is king, the one on the right is queen, and the thing in the middle? Prime Minister!

    Mystery solved.

    rickmaci June 21, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Burger King?
    Gypsy Kings?
    Sultans of Swing?
    B.B. King?
    Prom Queen?

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Burger King, then Dairy Queen

    sewollef June 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Carole King anyone?

    Texan_Bulldog June 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    I bet his resume says he was President of the Senate because, you know, he was IN the Senate.

    Estproph June 21, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    He had a dream about the King of Sweden,
    He gave him things that he was needin',
    He gave him a Senate built of gold and steel,
    a diamond pickup with the platinum wheel.

    Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi
    Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi
    Hey-dee hey-dee hey-dee hey-dee hey
    Hey-dee hey-dee hey-dee hey-dee hey

    Steverino247 June 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    And if you need the visual: http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Minnie+the+mo

    Gotta love me some Cab Calloway

    scvirginia June 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm
    Hera Sent Me June 21, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Usually secret meetings with queens aren't something a straight man will brag about.

    weejee June 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Perhaps his stance is wider than he admits. Professor Doctor Cherokee Princess Elizabeth Warren should quiz him on this at the next debate to be sponsored by the Harvard Lampoon (since Brown has nixed all others save Faux Gnus).

    ODF June 21, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I know we've all become accustomed to the asshole brayings of our elected officials. Is his mouth just completely disconnected from his brain? The whole thing about secret meetings with kings and queens–had he just finished catching up on GoT?

    Dashboard Buddha June 21, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    DOES HE BLOW?

    Fixed, and yes he does.

    YasserArraFeck June 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Even when he's not actually blowing, he blows.

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Chunks.

    littlebigdaddy June 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Elton John and LeBron James?

    rickmaci June 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Sorry. Are they kings or queens?

    AncienReggie June 21, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Seriously, how many kings and queens are there these days? If you don't count proms and homecomings, there's like, what, eight nations on earth that still have royalty? Nine, maybe?

    sewollef June 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Around 26, technically still acting as 'heads of state' or thereabouts. The rest have been 'deposed' but are still alive. Unlike the Romanovs, Louis XVI and Charles I, that is.

    Total roll call is:

    Belgian Royal Family
    Brunei Royal Family
    Bhutanese Royal Family
    British Royal Family
    Bahraini Royal Family
    Brazilian Imperial Family (deposed)
    Bulgarian Royal Family (deposed)
    Cambodian Royal Family
    Canadian Royal Family
    Danish Royal Family
    Dutch Royal Family
    Greek Royal Family (deposed)
    Hessian Grand Ducal Family (deposed)
    Italian Royal Family (deposed)
    Japanese Imperial Family
    Jordanian Royal Family
    Korean Imperial Family (deposed)
    Malaysian Royal Families
    Johor Royal Family
    Kedah Royal Family
    Kelantan Royal Family
    Negeri Sembilan Royal Family
    Pahang Royal Family
    Perak Royal Family
    Perlis Royal Family
    Selangor Royal Family
    Terengganu Royal Family
    Laotian Royal Family (deposed)
    Liechtenstein Princely Family
    Luxembourg Grand Ducal Family
    Manchu Imperial Family (deposed)
    Māori Royal Family
    Mecklenburg (Schwerin and Strelitz)
    Grand Ducal Family (deposed)
    Mexican Imperial Family (deposed)
    Monegasque Princely Family
    Royal Family of Morocco
    Nepalese Royal Family / King of Nepal (deposed)
    Norwegian Royal Family
    Portuguese Royal Family (deposed)
    Qatari Royal Family
    Romanian Royal Family (deposed)
    Saudi Royal Family
    Schwarzenberg Princely Family (mediatized)
    The Spanish Royal Family
    Swazi Royal Family
    Swedish Royal Family
    Thai Royal Family
    Tongan Royal Family
    Yugoslavian Royal Family (deposed)
    Zulu Royal Family

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Your count is off by ~ 9. The Royal Families of Johor, Kedah, Kelantan, Negeri Sembilan, Pahang, Perak, Perlis, Selangor, and Trengganu should be included under "Malaysian Royal Families," as those are all Malaysian states. Each royal family holds the Yang di Pertuan Negara (king of Malaysia) role in succession.

    RayneMan June 21, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    I think Canadians & the British have the same royal family

    finallyhappy June 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    How many? I don't know- you ever watch Ru Paul's Drag race?

    Mittens Howell, III June 21, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    I don't know which Queen for sure, but I do know Scott spends a lot of time in his meeting chambers discussing 'Matters of State' through Ye Olde Hole of Glorye.

    chascates June 21, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    What a maroon.

    rickmaci June 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Moran.

    EatsBabyDingos June 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    He is not talking about the citizens of Queens but rather Count Moby Christie of the Jersey Holsteins, who is only slightly larger by volume.

    johnnyzhivago June 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Elvis!

    OneYieldRegular June 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    See where confusing Ron Paul and Ru Paul can lead a person?

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Ru Paul seriously needs to think about putting out a platform of political positions, and make sure she gets national exposure, and that will completely confuse the Paultards.

    keinsignal June 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    In particular, he's been in close consultation with the Crimson King, collaborating on a multinational initiative to plant evergreens, grasp divining signs, and summon back the fire witch.

    [bong noises]

    AncienReggie June 21, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Thanks for the best earworm I've had all week.

    doloras June 22, 2012 at 12:20 am

    I am Robert Fripp and I approve of this message.

    Serolf_Divad June 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Seriously, is this guy a U.S. Senator or some third rate "prestigiditizer" telling us about the royalty he astounded on his last tour of the capitals of Europe with his unbelievable "saw my lovelely assistant in half" trick.

    HogeyeGrex June 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    talking, voting, working on issues every single day.

    Senatoratin's hard work!!!!

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    I voted for Pope In A Box

    elburritodeluxe June 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    He would also like the common people to know he is fond of Boston's Red Stockings. Indeed, on occasion he allows his presence in a luxury box at one of their exhibitions.

    not that Radio June 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    UPDATE: Scott Brown misspoke about meeting with Kings and Queens. What he meant to say was "Each and every day that I’ve been a United States senator, I’ve been either discussing issues, meeting on issues, in secret meetings — with Sting and Mr Green Jeans"

    AddHomonym June 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    When he walks down the street
    Kings and queens they opine
    Every voter he meets
    They all stay stupefied
    Wantsa be your junior senator
    Wantsa be kept around
    He’s here to tell you honey
    He’s bad to the Brown

    actor212 June 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Very nicely done, particularly as an ad hoc!

    *polite golf clap*

    Martini?

    occams8ball June 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    As I've been saying all along, Presidential AND good looking!

    TribecaMike June 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Scott Brown is to douchbaggery what the late Andrew Sarris was to film criticism.

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    the late, ^^lamented^^ Andrew Sarris.

    Something tells me Scotty's family will be the only ones doing any lamenting when he pops his clogs.

    TribecaMike June 21, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    I haven't read the NY Observer since they fired Sarris a few years ago, stupid cheap arsed bastards.

    MittBorg June 21, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Why would we need the likes of the late Pauline Kael or Andrew Sarris to tell us what constitutes good film, when we have the likes of Michael Medved and Michelle Malkin?

    And publishers want to know why their readership is declining. I'd gladly pay to read a Kael or Sarris review. For Medved/Malkin reviews, I'd want to BE paid.

    owhatever June 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I am disappointed that the senator is revealing his secret meetings with royalty like myself, a exiled Nigerian prince. I told him about my fortune that was seized by my political enemies, and how, working together with the senator, I could get it back and contribute HALF to his campaign and use the other half to create jobs. Some flunky of his own political enemy, Lizzie Warren, told me to fuck off.

    MozakiBlocks June 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Well I know a couple of queens who would want to meet with Senator Centerfold but I don't think he'd want to meet with them.

    not that Radio June 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    "Vote for the white guy"

    widestanceromance June 21, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    He's been with kings and presidents, but he's never been with us.

    signed,
    his Massachusetts constituency

    DahBoner June 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    And businessmen come and dig his earth. Also to….

    Tyrannically_Joe June 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    I assume the ones he met with were the ones who fought for ten decades for the gods they made.

    This was just before he cried out, "How could the Kennedys [endorse a candidate in the senate race, as private citizens expressing political opinions]".

    rickmaci June 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Everyone knows the Kennedy's are not private citizens. They are American Royalty. Dowager Queen Vicki should know better than to involve the royals in the tawdry business of politics, but then she is not really a Kennedy, she only slept with one.

    FlownOver June 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Mick and Keef appreciate the implied shout out.

    finallyhappy June 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    During DC Pride , there are plenty of queens and kings. Scott looks like they guys from Nelly's anyway

    HobbesEvilTwin June 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Senator centerfold/pick up truck better get as many of those meetings in as he can in the next six months. I understand that royalty doesn't give two fucks about an ex-Senator.

    mrblifil June 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    I assume he's referring to the many Secret Queen gatherings one finds at various truck stops along our nation's highways. Dude, here's a tip…they ain't so secret.

    Antispandex June 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Damn. The only ones I can think of are King Crimson, and the Queen of Soul herself, Ms. Aretha Franklin. I know, nerdy and old at the same time, huh?

    Come here a minute June 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Every senator is a "stand on the railing and shout, 'I'm the king of the world!'" type.

    gurukalehuru June 21, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Undoubtedly gun lovin', coon killin' Iowa asshat Steven King. As for the Queens, hell, his party's full of 'em

    ttommyunger June 21, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    The Grand Poohbah of Upper Butt-Crack, no doubt.

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