scary monstersIf it wasn’t for Jon Stewart making them all laugh through the pain, libruhls would have slapped their own faces to death a long time ago. But now, the same comic relief is available to Egyptians, who are in much need of humor.

Egypt’s two presidential contenders have each declared themselves the winner every day for the last week or so, not noticing that the military already made itself president. Egyptians also can’t seem to decide if their former dictator, Hosni Mubarak, is dead, half dead, in a coma, rising from the dead or just faking death-by-coma in order to flee the scary prison where everyone wants to keel heem and get on to wherever Ken Lay moved after he faked his death. Uruguay?

But have no fear, the “Egyptian Jon Stewart,” a guy named Bassem Youssef, is here to save the day. Youssef, an Egyptian cardiothoracic surgeon, saw the Daily Show while visiting America and wished Egyptians could have the same kind of show.

Mr. Youssef and some friends filmed a couple of political satire videos in Youssef’s home and put them up on YouTube. Now he’s the most-watched TV show in Egypt. He’ll appear tonight (June 21) as a guest on Jon Stewart’s Daily Show.

But these two yins (Stewart and Youssef) need some yangs for comedy fodder, right? So it’s fitting that as Stewart used to have a grand old time laughing at Beck, Egypt, evidently, has its own Glenn Beck who stars on his very own version of Fox News! Yes, Egyptians actually know who Glenn Beck is (proving American exceptionalism once again), enough to call Tawfik Okasha, owner of Fox News-style propaganda satellite TV channel Al Fara’een, the Glenn Beck of Egypt. Tawfik doesn’t have a blackboard, but he’s just as insane as Beck and spouts conspiracy theories like vaginas do balls at a ping-pong show. Some even say Tawfik’s the guy who started the false rumors of the “Necrophilia Law” that was propagated across the world’s media by journalists who lie in wait for career-making stories about Muslim men earning the legal right to boink their dead wives (within a respectable six hours after death, of course).

But it looks like Tawfik Okasha won’t be fulfilling any of his own fame dreams and appearing on Glenn Beck’s TV radio show anytime soon. While they both have Muslim-hating, fear-mongering and Commie-outing in common, Tawfik believes that there’s a worldwide Masonic super-plot to destroy the earth and Beck’s been known to wear Masonic boy scout patches on his show. This just won’t do. Besides, Beck seems a tiny bit brighter than his Egyptian counterpart. When Beck created his 9/12 project, at least it was based on a real date. Tawfik, on the other hand, is a bit date-challenged:

During one particularly heated broadcast, in which Okasha warned of an impending date when Freemason power would reach its zenith, a frantic studio assistant interjected to point out that there was no such day as 13/13/2013.

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  • Ohhhhh… OK. All this time I thought it was Ken Layne who faked his own death. My bad.

    • Who? Never heard of him.

    • TribecaMike

      Any relation to Frankie Laine?

  • freakishlywrong

    We've become a comedy version of The Mummy, without the funny parts.

  • The Glenn Beck of Egypt? Does he draw diagrams on the Pyramids?

    • Better than lines in the sand.

    • PubOption

      He could have drawn an eye on the top of a pyramid, and then sold the concept to the US treasury.

  • Or that doomsday psychos like Bekc (sic) and low grade morans who believe them are common and not strictly US Amercia exceptionalism.

    • freakishlywrong

      Yep, like our poisonous, garbage fast food diet and subsequent obesitah, U.S. America is #1!

  • Muslim men earning the legal right to boink their dead wives

    Wait. How can they tell they're dead? I mean, mine never moved and she was very much alive.

    • Dude, whose fault is that?

      • Shut up, you.

        • finallyhappy

          That is a really old joke- on a beach in France, a man is making love to a woman when another man runs up to him and says " Mon Dieu, she is dead, what are you doing?" and the first guy says "Sacre Bleu, I thought she was American" (it makes it french because you throw in french words and say it was in France)

          • Two preppies are making love. The man asks, "Muffy! Is everything alright?"

            "Quite, Biff. Why do you ask?"

            "You moved!"

          • Biff

            So long ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday…

  • Ruhe

    The fact that the Gregorian calendar fails to reveal the reality of the 13/13/2013 doom-date only serves to show the awesome power and breadth of the Masonic conspiracy. Duh!

    BTW, can we expect a lot of ping pong balls on that day?

  • IncenseDebate

    I have noticed a shift from balls to vagina as Wonkette's number one word.

    • Mommy blogs do that.

    • See! When women take over, they start ramming vagina down your throat!!

      • Ah, you wish.

      • IncenseDebate

        This is what is known as a clammy sammy.

    • Mittens Howell, III


  • Doktor Zoom

    And of course, the Glenn Beck of America will happily tell us that there is ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE between these guys, because Egyptian = Muslin terrist.

  • Pragmatist2

    Mubarak is going for a new reality show called "The Real Return of the Mummy."

  • Silly studio assistant. 13/13/2013 is a perfectly cromulent date.

    • doloras

      Lousy Smarch weather!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Mind you, the Muslims only boink their dead wives because of the positioning.

    My god…Penguins are Muslim!

  • the Glenn Beck of Egypt

    Can you really be a white supremacist if you're not white?

    • Maybe you can in Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    A crazed woman currently roams Egypt on a camel, spraying bile, spittle, and incomprehensible curses over small villages, as she waits to be discovered by some ancient wannabe-dictator and be elevated to her rightful position as the Sarah Palin of Egypt.

    • No. Unlike US Amercia, she remains in the desert and ignored.

    • oh dear god that's funny.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    If that fucking Beck points anything at me I will break it off and shove it up his ass sideways. I don't care if he would enjoy it. I only know I would.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    That's all well and good, but what we really want to know is who the Sarah Palin of Egypt is.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I'm thinking it's probably this chick.

      • ohhhh. Good call. I was getting ready to see if I could find one and you nailed it.

  • elviouslyqueer


    Why yes, yes I am. And, as rumor would have it, so is the Beckster.

  • It's because they want you to think there's no 13/13/2013

  • Egyptians also can’t seem to decide if their former dictator, Hosni Mubarak, is dead, half dead, in a coma, rising from the dead or just faking death-by-coma

    New reality-lameTV series deserves a pitch: "Where What In The World Is Hosni Mubarak?"

    • finallyhappy

      He stole the whole thing from Thor(1)

    • PubOption

      I think that both Tito and Franco have already tried this.

  • SorosBot

    I think I understood Egyptian politics more when it was all about brothers and sisters marrying each other while secretly plotting to have the others assassinated.

    • Guppy

      Have you been introduced yet to the House of Windsor?

    • MosesInvests

      Cleopatra libel!

  • "Egyptian Jon Stewart"! Congratulations, Sir, that is the kind of initiative that will get you assassinated!

  • Mubarak is such a flip-flopper.

    • This is why a zombie will never be President of Amercia. Can't make up his mind.

  • Not_So_Much

    So, Tawfik Okasha is a lying Mormon moran too?

  • mavenmaven

    "Breaking News: Hosni Mubarak is still dead"

    • Guppy

      So's JFK, but that doesn't keep him from making headlines.

  • Egypt, now? Which of your many passports did you use to obtain these scoops — perhaps "Lisabad Al-Winez-Kotb Abdul" of Morocco?

    • That's my new favorite name! I'm in so many places at once, I wake up and don't know where I am. Then the gas truck makes its way down the street with the speaker yelling "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHZZZZZZZZ GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHZZZZZZZ" and cutesy music playing a full blast and I turn back over and go to sleep sighing, "Oh yeah, Mexico."

      • If you run into Rick Bayless down there, stop him before he steals any more recipes!

  • freakishlywrong

    OT, but I still can't see any of my Wonkateers faces in Firefox? Is every one else still blind?

    • Nope, that got fixed within the day it was happening.

    • PubOption

      Avatars are showing on this computer, which is also connecting through Firefox.

    • scvirginia

      No trouble on Firefox or Safari, but maybe it will help to empty your cache?

  • SayItWithWookies

    I'm glad Egypt's relaxed enough to stand a little satire — for now. But when Egypt gets its own Richard Dawkins that'll be news.

  • Estproph

    I wonder who the Michelle Malkin of Somalia is?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    A guy,
    living in Egypt,
    forever renowned as the home of ancient pyramids,
    hates Masons.


  • Oblios_Cap

    like vaginas do balls at a ping-pong show

    That's one American Idol act I'd vote for!

    If I watched American Idol.

  • Arkoday

    Ah yes. The dreaded 13th month of 2013. Did the Mayans know about this? Is this when the real "Return Of The Dummy" takes place?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wait – Tawfik Okasha is a right-wing muslim-hating nutbag? How does that work, in Egypt? I thought medieval Xtarded religiosity was part of being a wingnut. Is there, like, a whole other orthogonal axis of nuttery out there?

    • It would have been more accurate for me to have written Muslim Brotherhood-hating. Sorry. He's a Mubarak/military-loving guy. Those two extremes (military Shafik and MB Mursi) are echoed in the current election fiasco too.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        So the system has given the electorate a choice between two unacceptable alternatives? That sounds awfully familiar.

        This whole "democracy" thing seems to need a bit of tweaking.

        • Yeah, democracy is messy, especially when you have what is basically a military coup right now. Not sure how that's going to turn out. The people on the Egypt twitter feed I follow are predicting that even though the MB guy probably won, the military is just going to announce that the old-regime guy won. So, there are hundreds of thousands of people demonstrating yesterday and today in Cairo, Alexandria… It's a big uh-oh.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I just worry that the military is going to look at Tienanmen Square, and see a good precedent.

          • They already killed a lot of people in the protests before Mubarak's ouster. There was even a time when they rode through Tahrir square on camels and mowed people down – and the generals got cleared of those crimes at the same time that the courts sent Mubarak to prison (and out of his cushy hospital). I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't fake his coma/death/undeath recently to get back to his cushy hospital since it took them 4 hours to pry him out of the helicopter that took him directly from the court to the prison. I haven't checked the Egypt news yet today but I know that the army has been beefing up their presence ahead of their announcement today or tomorrow of who "won" the presidential election. All hell could break loose.

  • Guppy

    Ironically, 13/13 is occasionally a valid date in the Jewish calendar.

    • MosesInvests

      9 years out of every 17, yep.

      • Guppy

        Other way around: 7 out of 19.

        • MosesInvests

          D'oh! You're right of course. Is there an equivalent of dyslexia with numbers?

  • CapnRadio

    What I can't stand are those damned commercials for Pharoh's Goldline.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      But look at the increase in value over the last 4,000 years!!

  • CapnRadio

    and spouts conspiracy theories like vaginas do balls at a ping-pong show.

    I'm afraid that you're headed for a time out, Lisa.

    • I've been in the corner all day. Poppin' balls 'til Rebecca lets me out again.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Sigh … vaginas and ping-pong?
      Why do I get the feeling I'm not spending enough time on the internet?

      Not only does Google have an answer … the topic has its own freaking Wikipedia page. This is either appalling, or a very good thing — and if it's a good thing, that's appalling.

  • Antispandex

    "….also can’t seem to decide if their former dictator, Hosni Mubarak, is dead, half dead, in a coma, rising from the dead or just faking death-by-coma…."

    You know, at one time in our history, we had the same situation. I mean, who doesn't fondly remember trying to decide if Price Ronald of Reagan would wake up from one of his power naps, that he so frequently took in the middle of important meetings? Good times people, good times.

  • Supremectjester

    Mubarak is Schrödinger's cat — dead and alive at the same time depending on your politics.

  • stories about Muslim men earning the legal right to boink their dead wives (within a respectable six hours after death, of course).

    Stop making me LOL in my work cube! It's NOT professional.

  • animal_warrior

    Too funny…Watching Stewart imitate Beck was one of the funniest of his always funny show. It's also so refreshing to see the guy call out all the other news shows on their distortions and lies.
    Love the guy. Can't wait to see the show tonight with Bassem Youssef.

  • ttommyunger

    They know about Beck in Egypt? God, I am so embarrassed to be an American some days…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The good news is, they know he's insane. It may be a good sign that 100% of Egyptians are smarter than 20% of Americans. Good for Egypt, I mean.

      • ttommyunger

        Sadly,l'm not surprisedSent from my iPhone

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