THE POORS DID IT  3:30 pm June 20, 2012

Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen

by Kris E. Benson

poopermanWhen we last checked in with Jamie Dimon, he was getting a tongue bath from Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) because Jamie Dimon is a Very Big Man in charge of a Very Big Bank that makes Very Big Profits for Very Big People. As Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) noted, not everyone can do what Jamie Dimon does: who among you, for example, could lose $2 billion dollars in one day and not even really miss it? And who among you could preside over a global economic crisis and escape with your job and pay intact? Hmm? And what if you were trying to do all of this on a shoestring, like Jamie Dimon, who only gets $14 billion per year in subsidies from taxpayers?

From Bloomberg:

JPMorgan receives a government subsidy worth about $14 billion a year, according to research published by the International Monetary Fund and our own analysis of bank balance sheets.

First, the good news: someone at Bloomberg figured all of this out by reading a balance sheet, meaning that this person is qualified to be president, which is fantastic. The bad news: the $14 billion per year goes to paying grossly inflated salaries to wankers like Jamie Dimon in addition to ruining your life and the lives of others.

The money helps the bank pay big salaries and bonuses. More important, it distorts markets, fueling crises such as the recent subprime-lending disaster and the sovereign-debt debacle that is now threatening to destroy the euro and sink the global economy… In other words, U.S. taxpayers helped foot the bill for the multibillion-dollar trading loss that is the focus of today’s hearing. They’ve also provided more direct support: Dimon noted in a recent conference call that the Home Affordable Refinancing Program, which allows banks to generate income by modifying government-guaranteed mortgages, made a significant contribution to JPMorgan’s earnings in the first three months of 2012.

We at Wonkette hate to say I told you so but it looks like the subprime crisis was caused by Poors after all. Or possibly Europe.


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Hola wonkerados.

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ttommyunger June 20, 2012 at 3:32 pm

USA! USA! Wait, what?

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Greece! Greece! Uh…

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Sadly, "what?" is about right.

sewollef June 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

Yeh, I'm pretty sure Dimon bats for his own side, and that's not the USA

nounverb911 June 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

"JPMorgan receives a government subsidy worth about $14 billion a year, "
This is socialism Mitt can believe in.

mrpuma2u June 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Corporations are people with their hand out too, my friends!! Their hands hold a lot more.

Allmighty_Manos June 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm

These guys make me think that maybe the Red Brigades had a point.

SorosBot June 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

But they are Job Creators! Just ignore that they've actually destroyed a fuckton more jobs than they've created.

not that Radio June 20, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Celebrate the duality! Shiva was both Destroyer and Creator, but is chiefly remembered for one of those.

Sassomatic June 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

So now you people hate American AND Superman?

Pithaughn June 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Dear Sen Demint,
My pitch fork is still sharp.
Yours truly,

ManchuCandidate June 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Socialzim is for the rich.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Thank you sir! May I have another?

EatsBabyDingos June 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I'm going down to the food bank and default on a t-bone loan in Jamie's dishonor.

Callyson June 20, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Made the mistake of watching Bloomberg TV while working out and this asshole came on, and was going on about how "You can blame the banks for everything if you want…"

Poor little bankers–someone actually wants to hold them accountable for their actions, and prevent them from repeating their destructive acts. This bank bashing must be stopped!

Nearly threw a dumbbell at the TV…


James Michael Curley June 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

You were going to throw this dumbbell over hand?
Cause Dimon must weight at least 180. I'm impressed.

Callyson June 21, 2012 at 3:27 am

The amount of strength a person can derive from pure rage is rather amazing…and frightening…

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Sounds like your tv already has it's full share of dumbbells?

dogscantlookup June 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I need some bath salts and some rich peoples addresses, with votes of course

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Braised Dimon in a yoghurt deMint sauce?

MosesInvests June 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm

With fava beans and a nice Chianti.

chicken_thief June 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Pffft. 14 billion… they'll just lose it….

edgydrifter June 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm

"Gimme all your money, or, uh… oh look, I already have it!"
–Jamie Dimon

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

At least for a few more days…

Come here a minute June 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

And who among you could preside over a global economic crisis and escape with your job and pay intact?

That's a clown question, bro.

Estproph June 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

My head hurts. I want a beer.

Jus_Wonderin June 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

When I hear this stuff, it's not my head that hurts. Ouch. Now, can we have a cigerette together?

Negropolis June 21, 2012 at 1:13 am

So that you can wake with a splitting headache?

Maman June 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Wow. We give them money to hand out bonuses and cut services to the rest of us. This is why I am not successful.

PubOption June 20, 2012 at 7:42 pm

And when they announce changes, they always say it's to better serve the customers.

sewollef June 21, 2012 at 8:46 am

"We're improving customer service by removing all the cash registers in this department store to the second floor". — Macy's

True story.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

If there was ever someone who deserves a good skullfucking, its this guy.

Maman June 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm


elviouslyqueer June 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Preferably with a sledgehammer.

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Or a ball peen…

elviouslyqueer June 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm
chicken_thief June 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Jim DeMint wouldn't be a bad candidate either.

iburl June 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Why can't you libtards just accept that we are a nation of slaves and that Mitt Rmoney, Jamie Diamond, and all the other Wall Street white folks are our masters? Hmm? Are we going to have to have another 9/11 before you get it, dummies?

Maman June 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

That is why we need to be corporate serfs.

sewollef June 21, 2012 at 8:47 am

S'right… funny how they're almost all WHITE. Why is that?

Sharkey June 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Pardon me sir, do you have any J. Dimon?

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm


EatsBabyDingos June 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Jamie should be Pope. Motto: "Just doing the work of the Lard."

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Why even complain about this? That $14 Billion will easily be taken care of when the GOP controls the government by cutting Food Stamps by $20 Billion.

Baconzgood June 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

(unrelated to this post)

MAN-O-MAN THIS CLIENTS HAS BALLLLLLLLLZZZZZ! He owed me $XX,XXX.XX for over a year and called me up to have me "Do (him) a huge favor". BALLLLLLLZZZZZ! BIG AND BRASSY. Yeah I'll get right on that for ya Kevin.

Abernathy June 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Does this make Jamie Dimon one of those overpaid federal employees? Sic 'em, Mittens!

SayItWithWookies June 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Jamie Dimon wants you to know he didn't really want the $14 billion in government money to prop up his whorehouse and poor-whipping emporium — but he figured it would be nice to have lying around just in case. Because in the rough-and-tumble world of Big Bidness, where you take ridiculous risks with other people's money and are rewarded whether you succeed or fail — oh, fuck it — throw the motherfucker in an old latrine hole and put a webcam in there so we can see and hear his piteous fucking moaning. Or cut his balls off and feed them to his dog — something to put a stop to this fucking shit.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

If banks really want to make money, maybe they should sell toasters instead of giving them away.

TootsStansbury June 20, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Remember when banks handed out lollipops to the kiddies? Now they shake the poor little things by their ankles and steal whatever falls out of their pockets.

Beowoof June 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Well he does share with his congressional enablers and they accept, let him do what he wants and then congress blows him just to ensure the cash keeps flowing.

KotBR June 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

$14B for one bank = Capitalism/Freedom

$5 for a poor person's medication = Socialism

Indiepalin June 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Subsidies such as these are not found on the balance sheet but, rather, on the statement of revenues, expenses and changes in retained earnings. Look under "Other Revenue – kickbacks and corporate welfare".

BlueStateLibel June 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

One of these days, heads are going to roll (not a threat, just an educated observation).

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

My eyes are already rolling.

Pithaughn June 20, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Maybe we can get Denzel Washington to play the lead!

Generation[redacted] June 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

The economy wouldn't have collapsed if minority homeowners hadn't defaulted on $50 trillion in back mortgage payments.

MumbletyRadio June 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

The bad news: the $14 billion per year goes to paying grossly inflated salaries to wankers like Jamie Dimon in addition to ruining your life and the lives of others.

Can this, today's Solstice-y arrival of Summer, be the end of our Cruelest Month Season, Spring? Literally and by association.
A year ago we were wondering if wonkette was going down the tubes; the spring before that, we were wondering when the oil would cease gushing through the Gulf of Mexico. My brain is starting to resent this time of year as much as my abdomen resents those times of month.

Not_So_Much June 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Reading this makes my bottom hurt.

MOG2410 June 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

uh, yeah, that's what happens.

OldWhiteLies June 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Speaking of poorz … so I'm on my way to work this am and the last 15 mins I end up behind this Lexus RX300. Squarely in the middle of its back bumper (but crooked, listing to starboard) is the following bumper sticker:

Because not everyone can be on welfare

My first thought was a violent reaction fantasy. My second was that I should have some bumper stickers of my own made up to clandestinely place on vehicles that sport the above message:

Because I have no idea how the economy really works; and no desire to ever find out.

I'd add an arrow that would helpfully reference the Repug sticker.

Alas, I do so wish that I could go through just one day in this country without experiencing something locally to me; reminding me of this complete lack of human decency, kindness and compassion. My snark has ebbed deeply today. Fellow Wonketteers, may I trouble you to please make lots more funny.

Not much in the way of cheers, OWL

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Maybe the companion sticker should say: "Only Corporations". The driver would probably think it's an improvement, though…

OldWhiteLies June 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Perhaps I should explain my "economy" reaction. Here is a fairly typical exchange had with various levels of nutters-of-wing; after they have spewed something to the effect of "lazy poorz":

OWL: So you'd like less people on "welfare"?
WingusNuttus: (Rolling eyes) Well yeah.
OWL: So we'd need more jobs then, yes?
WingusNuttus: (Rolling eyes) Well yeah.
OWL: So you know then that to create these jobs, we'd need more demand – yes?
WingusNuttus: (questinging look, and unintelligible mumbled response at best)
OWL: We need more demand for goods & svcs to create these jobs for those currently on "welfare." This demand will not come from cutting. Cutting at a governmental level will only cause the recession to spiral and self-fulfill. What we need to create these jobs is an infusion of stimulus … I've completely lost you, haven't I?
WingusNuttus: (blank mistrusting stare)
OWL: Nevermind. As you were.

I rarely get much further. And the way things are now, any more of these types of exchanges could end in my demise at gunpoint; making all this albeit legitimate angst moot. Appallingly, WAst has one of those stand your ground laws. I'm almost ashamed to admit that of late it has far too often crossed my mind that were it not for a wife and son, I would join those Inuktitut up in the frozen north of our northern neigbour, and see if living out the balance of my days struggling for survival wouldn't indeed give me that illusive inner peace. Apologies for my deep level of downerism today. Clearly I allowed that bumper sticker's essence too deeply into my psyche.

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Unfortunately, I think the corollary to "Ignorance is Bliss" = "Lack of Ignorance is Not Very Blissful".

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Dude, sympathy. We've all had that conversation. Ironically, the people who understand very well are small-business-people. Admittedly, some of them still veer Republican, but they know it's because Repo policies benefit them personally, not because they're good for the economy.

Negropolis June 21, 2012 at 1:32 am

Speaking of bumper stickers, I've seen a preponderance of Obama/Biden stickers for months now. It's crazy, because it's almost like it's 2008, again. People are talking about fatigue, and maybe that's the case, but not on people's cars where I live in Michigan.

Jadetiger79 June 21, 2012 at 2:16 am

I feel ya. I had on the radio today and classic REM was on and I got all choked up. What happened to us?

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Whore Dimonz!

hagajim June 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

So when do we officially change our name to the United States of Chase….or as an alternative, the country full of dumb assholes who haven't managed to get pissed off enough yet to slaughter every banker and elected official out there – oh wait, too long and not snappy enough. How about DumbFuckistan then?

widestanceromance June 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

So, it's not a hand-out when the hand is invisible?

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

And it's not a handjob when it's between Republicans.

widestanceromance June 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm

ball peen also

An_Outhouse June 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm

class envy

owhatever June 20, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Dimon is now pitching the idea that slavery is a great way to cut wages, when viewed through default swap divergences from standard norms and risk management parabolas. And he says it is not a racist thing. "That is preposterous. Slavery is not just for black people anymore. Browns and whites and yellows can qualify." Anyone making less than $100,000 a year in this great nation can apply, and if accepted by the J.P. Morgan board, be given a job for the rest of their lives, living near the mansion and working in and around it.

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Do you also write corporate mission statements? 'Cause, you could. That was lovely.

poorgradstudent June 20, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I know I should be relieved that they've stopped insulting our intelligence and ceased to pretend that the government only exists anymore to help the rich loot the public coffers, but for some reason in my mind I can't stop screaming.

Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 12:58 am

Don't worry; it's perfectly normal to want to scream whilst reading about the banksters who are robbing and raping us everyday.

dahboner June 20, 2012 at 5:43 pm


DahBoner June 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

We should call him "Chinese junkie", because he's higher than a kite on OPM *

* = Other People's Money

grandinquisitor June 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Can we just get to the part of the revolution when we hang them all from lamp posts already?

zumpie June 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I have the misfortune to be a Chase customer (ate the much friendlier WaMu), with all my accounts linked and autopay on mortgage, so the hassle of moving makes my head hurt.

Anyway, I recently got fed up with being pulled out of the teller line so they could try and sell me, their ridiculous policies, the refusal to increase our credit line, their refinancing hoops etc (all with good credit and no late payments for 13 years). So I sent a pissed off email telling them how much they suck.

Lots of polite apologies, but no effort to actually change the policies that make America hate them (while we subsidize them). But it was fun to see everyone in "the executive office" freak out

Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 1:00 am

Think about moving your money to a credit union or local bank. It's really not that hard to change an autopay – really.

We moved from Chase and found a much better deal on our VISA travel rewards card, plus I like doing business with people who I know are not out to skrew me.

SpeedoFart June 20, 2012 at 7:00 pm

The government is going to pee test this douche before handing over any more money, right?

… Right?

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Time to bring back S&H Green Stamps.

Smitros June 20, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Retain counsel.

Given the headline, welfare queens will be suing for libel.

They don't want to be associated with that kind of people.

Isyaignert June 21, 2012 at 12:56 am

Privitize the profits; socialize the losses. What a fukkin' racket!

Stevola June 21, 2012 at 1:02 am

"We at Wonkette hate to say I told you so"

Bull! Wonkette exists to say "I told you so."

imissopus June 21, 2012 at 1:08 am

To be fair, Bloomberg is written by communists.

Negropolis June 21, 2012 at 1:11 am

I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.

Congress: "You promise not to do this again, Jamie? Yes? All right you little scamp, get outta here. Dinners at 8:00; be home when the streetlights come on."

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