EDUMACATION  2:50 pm June 20, 2012

Mitt Romney Will Turn All The Nation’s Schools Into Louisiana And It Will Be So Great

by Kris E. Benson

Everyone can relax now because I am back from my vacation and here to shed light on all the horrible things that are in store for, or currently happening to, the Best Country On Earth.™ And as it turns out, there are several, which at this point should come to a surprise to exactly no one. For example, did you know about Mitt Romney’s plan to destroy public education, which he revealed a couple weeks ago in a White Paper that no one paid much attention to? This is an actual White Paper, by the way, not an offhand comment like the one he made about how much he likes firing people who provide teaching to you. You will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that the “ideas” in this 35-page-long White Paper are about the same as the ones that John Sununu said on TeeVee, and can be succinctly summarized as follows.

  1. Privatize K-12 education to give people Choices and whatnot.
  2. Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices.
  3. Destroy Teachers’ Unions because they are Communist, basically.


To be fair, there’s stuff in there about how no one actually needs to go to school (Higher education will flourish when “innovation and skill attainment” matter more than “time in classroom” and “Eligible students remaining in public schools will also have the option to use federal funds to purchase supplemental tutoring or digital courses from state-approved private providers rather than receiving Title I services from their district.”) Also, tax payers will give money to private corporations instead of public institutions (“charter school programs [must be able to] expand to meet demand, receive funding under the same formula that applies to all other publicly-supported schools, and access capital funds.”) And no Romney campaign materials would be complete without a bunch of flagrant lies! (“after three months,” he says, “students [in the DC voucher program] could already read at levels 19 months ahead of their public-school peers,” which, as the Guardian points out, is not true.) But basically, it boils down to destroying unions and free public education, which means that if Romneybot has his way, we will all be living in Louisiana and it’s going to be AWESOME.

[The Guardian]

 

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{ 125 comments }

nounverb911 June 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm

They have schools in Louisiana?

Gratuitous World June 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

yes, but they're run by local sheriffs and all the students have to share 1 book.

Designer_Radio June 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Do they at least all get their own pink underwear?

BornInATrailer June 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Of fish!

Too soon for flood jokes?

nounverb911 June 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Johnstown or Curt?

weejee June 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Curt Flood, A Well Paid Slave, is all uniony stuff and communist. Mittens wants to burn his seven gold gloves.

flamingpdog June 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

No more schools of fish, either – BP privatized them to Heaven.

IonaTrailer June 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Nice school of thought…

Sassomatic June 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Great private schools, assuming you can afford it.

Infrogmation June 20, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Yes, there are still schools in Louisiana, but Governor Jindal has been making great progress in his quest to stomp them out. Maybe President Mittens will make Jindal his Secretary of Destruction of Education! Meanwhile Jindal has been tireless in the promotion of ignorance in Louisiana — watch out, Mississippi, we're lowering the bar in the race to the bottom!

mayor_quimby June 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Mostly bartending schools. Ironically, they learn to make huge hurricanes in class.

Gunner Asch June 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm

What we have here is failure to communicate…bilingually.

hippie13 June 21, 2012 at 7:27 am

Yep, Jeebus holds class every day and twice on sunday

nounverb911 June 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Can I still send my kid to the local Bobby Jindal Memorial Madras Academy?

Chet Kincaid June 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

…And Exorcism Emporium.

hippie13 June 21, 2012 at 7:28 am

Show me the birth certificate bobby…you might be a muslim plant here to subvert amerika.

Chill_Bill June 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Williard's plans also involve shipping students to China.

nounverb911 June 20, 2012 at 2:57 pm

At their own expense?

flamingpdog June 20, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Why do you keep saying "white" paper? I thought "white" papers were the only thing RethugliKlans read and wrote.

And what is this "vacation" thingie you mentioned? Is that what the kids are calling "being jerbless" these days?

not that Radio June 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

It's not particularly white. There are 37 different colors of highlighted text in the google book. I just got epilepsy from following that link.

Maman June 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I just have to get my kids out of high school before the system explodes. Cross your fingers!

mayor_quimby June 20, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Be sure to buy them a graduation rifle before Obama bans them!!!!

hippie13 June 21, 2012 at 7:29 am

Lol I think we are all resigned to grandchildren with the IQ of houseplants.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

future sources of soylent green don't really need an education.

weejee June 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

They just need to come to the 6/30 Seattle do at the Latona Pub.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I think I can, but I'm not sure. Mom is guilting me to come see her.

coolhandnuke June 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

" Dogs drive Douglas dizzy."….wrong again.

"Dickhead drives dog dizzy."

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Willard let the dogs out. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Dizzy Mitt drives dogs.

dogscantlookup June 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

All S.A.T. answers; Mitt Romney is the mother of Rafalca, IT IS KNOWN!!1!

CapnRadio June 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Sounds all right, but I draw the line of my third-grader having to flash her chest to get a gold star.

slithytoves June 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

digital courses from state-approved private providers

"And then it hits you: you haven't learned a fucking thing."

hippie13 June 21, 2012 at 7:31 am

My attention span has been so shortened I was barely able to read your…what was I saying.

i_AM_ready June 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Say what you will, Louisiana's schools are only ranked 49th, Alabama's are worse. Wait, do I have that backwards? Maybe I'm thinking of infant mortality.
Anyhow, Romney has 11 houses and a bunch of Cadillacs, so he must know best.

Crank_Tango June 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

And god knows how many wives…

FlownOver June 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

But who will want to go to these private institutions if they start admitting Negroes and Moslems? Or, worse yet, the Poors?

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Hahahahahahahahaha, as if.

edgydrifter June 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Keep 'em dumb. Keep 'em scared. Keep 'em mean. That's the Republican recipe for their glorious thousand-year reich.

savethispatient June 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Is our children learning? As it turns out, no.

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Oh, they is learning. Just nothing worth knowing.

SorosBot June 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Hey, sure privatization will destroy educational standards and make our children stupid, but importantly big business will be able to make a profit, which is the most important thing.

Not_So_Much June 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Rayse to thuh bottum!!1!

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Nyah- if we just sit here eatin' our cheeto's & hot pockets, the bottom will come to us.

EatsBabyDingos June 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Plank 1: Cut school budgets by 1/2 by putting all girls in a room with Teacher Barbie saying "Math is Hard!" Lather, rinse, repeat for twelve years.

John Birf Society June 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Who knows more about education than a guy that squeezed the pension funds out of a bunch of struggling companies?

flamingpdog June 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

we will all be living in Louisiana and it’s going to be AWESOME.

George S. Patton may have been delusional/psychotic, but at least he didn't want us to be shoveling shit in Louisiana like the Rethugs do.

Come here a minute June 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Romney has not attended a for-profit college but he has friends that own them.

LastGasp June 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

* Privatize K-12 education to give people Choices and whatnot. Oh like privatized prisons? Yeah, that idea is working out well.

* Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices. For-profit colleges exist to make a buck, and don't really have a good record when it comes to educating their students. Loosen regulations? That'll just make it easier to fleece the students.

* Destroy Teachers’ Unions because they are Communist, basically. Might as well. After all, what have unions done for us, besides the 40 hour work week and a decent wage?

mayor_quimby June 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I demand prison choice and nonunion guards

SayItWithWookies June 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

As a church leader, Mitt has a vital interest in promoting ignorance — you don't save souls for Kolob by teaching them facts and shit.

Baconzgood June 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I ain't need no skool for i to be smart made. I done gone too CMUs already also.

James Michael Curley June 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Knew a couple people from CMU who talked like that back when the school thought it could find the next MegaNerd. Also, Alta Vista

Baconzgood June 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Many MegaNerds there. I was in the business school so I was removed from the geeks. It was a good school.

James Michael Curley June 20, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I was in Duquesne but met a girl down the shore who was transferring to CMU so went there a lot. At least until she fledged a sorority and the ‘sisters’ decided a scruffy, Viet Vet was not good for her image.

Gunner Asch June 20, 2012 at 9:39 pm

When I first met my wife-to-be her younger sister told her I looked just like the dud in the Dating Game. Fortunately she found that endearing, or at least not sufficiently annoying to 86 me. 41 years later I've graduated from old Army fatigues to garage sale clothes in random sizes. I did have to wear a suit for a few years in between.

mrpuma2u June 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

So when I start a Wiccan free love children's academy, I can haz teh gubmint monees too?

MacRaith June 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Didn't you get the memo? Only REAL religions are allowed to run charter schools. No Wiccans, Moonies, Muslims, Hare Krishnas, Unitarians, and for God's sake no Mormons… Um, oops. Looks like Mitt didn't think this through.

Sassomatic June 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Of course not. Public money can only go to fund Christian schools churches, because The Founding Fathers.

Butch_Wagstaff June 20, 2012 at 7:13 pm

So I really should abandon my plans for the Nogod Because Fuck You Atheist Academy for the Gifted?

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Although that would be a fabulous application.

mayor_quimby June 20, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Funny how money is fungible when it comes to abortions, but not to church schools…

EatsBabyDingos June 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Is it true Republicans come from the planet Prometheus?

savethispatient June 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Yes, I'm pretty sure they oozed out of one of those jars…

mavenmaven June 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

All they need to know about to be good 'merkans is GUNS!

PuckStopsHere June 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Is there anything in there about having the little ones earn their keep and (BONUS) learn the American Way by cleaning a few toilets 2-3 days a week after school?

thesuniverse June 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Can I get JUST ONE example of privatized anything that went well? Seriously. Just one.

SexySmurf June 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Privatized parts?

thesuniverse June 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Hmmm . . . I guess it depends on whose they are.

mavenmaven June 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

The prisons seem to be booming!

thesuniverse June 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

True. Sadly true.

Butch_Wagstaff June 20, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Prison Privatization. Been going on strong since the late 1990s, baby! Whoohoo!

CthuNHu June 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

The aqueduct?

thesuniverse June 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I should have specified a century.

Come here a minute June 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Private Idaho?

Gunner Asch June 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

The Darien colony?

Joshua Norton June 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Boy. He really showed those people who think the president ought to know stuff.

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

A Chancre for Every Child

elviouslyqueer June 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices.

Like, say, The University of Phoenix?

Sassomatic June 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Hey whatever living in Louisiana is awesome. Boiled crawfish, two days off for Mardi Gras, and hurrication!

flamingpdog June 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I look forward to the day when Americans are so dumb that someone can suggest that Kris Benson and Chris Hedges co-author a Ch/Kris Benson & Hedges blog post at teh Wonkette without feeling the least amount of shame..

RedneckMuslin June 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Not too OT: Purdue just hired Mitch Daniels as their president. You know, W's financail adviser. Indiana right to work governor. Slimeball.

chicken_thief June 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

That's just a ploy to throw everyone off the veep trail.

mayor_quimby June 20, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Did his wife leave him for the president of Indiana?

ttommyunger June 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

"The Country needs ditch-diggers too, son." – Judge Smails.

Beowoof June 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm

They want you to know just enough to be able to run the machines. To be an obedient servant. – with credit to George Carlin. Mitt is merely providing more evidence of this fact.

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I see his point, but there's nothing wrong with operating machinery. The hard part is finding a decent well-paying job doing it. I loved George, but not everyone can be a writer, actor and stand-up comedian.

CthuNHu June 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You missed the "just enough" part.

They don't want you to be educated enough to find Carlin funny.

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Gotcha.

Eve8Apples June 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

We goez to Skoolz in louie Z anna? Can we have resess at the Marty GRaw?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

We don't need no education

PubOption June 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

We do need some thought control.

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:26 pm

We got plenty thought control, though.

BlueStateLibel June 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

"Also, tax payers will give money to private corporations …" That's all you need to know about the privitization of education. I can't wait to read about how XYZ Learning LLC is increasing class sizes to 60 students in order to "enhance shareholder value."

owhatever June 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I kin spell "catfish" now that Brother Joe-Bob explained to our advanced studies Bible English class 10th grade level how God on the fourth day created a cat and a fish and made them fuck.

Pithaughn June 20, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Just checking, does it say anywhere in the white paper if one of the goals is to make USA # 1 in educating? Or can we assume the education system results will trend towards the health care system results? You know, twice the expense, nearly last in outcomes?

KotBR June 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I, for one, look forward to sending my children to the Haliburton Academy for Oil-Well Drilling and Brown People Shooting.

elviouslyqueer June 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

But basically, it boils down to destroying unions and free public education, which means that if Romneybot has his way, we will all be living in Louisiana and it’s going to be AWESOME.

So, this is obviously bad news for Supriya Jindal.

Nostrildamus June 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I'd rather have gumbo than spelling tests anyway.

poorgradstudent June 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I swear I honestly try to understand the rationale behind people who support Mitt Romney and current conservative economic ideas. Yet I still can't even begin to get a grip on "Private industries are always inherently better than public institutions because derp derp deeeerrrp."

fuflans June 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

now that johnny depp is newly single i don't care about any of this.

RomanSolo3000 June 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I don't see the problem. Mitt has a great track record in the education system, what with his torturing of gay kids and all.

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Soon to be heard in school cafeterias nationwide: "Processed imitation crawfish gumbo for lunch again?!!"

fuflans June 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

does mittbot know that schools are mostly run and funded by states/local entities?

GeorgiaBurning June 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

You can't build a 21st century theocracy without a strong foundation of illiteracy.

Estproph June 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Why not just fund the schools by sucking oil out of the water?

Slim_Pickins June 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Has Romoney even considered what this will do to high school football and basketball?

BoroPrimorac June 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Not to worry. With vouchers, high school athletics will be just like the NCAA. You can recruit from whatever neighborhood you want by bribing the athletes' parents.

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 11:29 pm

This already happens without vouchers. It's a little thing I call "scholarships".

randcoolcatdaddy June 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm

So … what are they learning in Louisiana schools?

*The Loch Ness monster is a dinosaur.
*The Second Law of Thermodynamics disproves Evolution.
*A Japanese whaling boat found a dinosaur.
*Only ten percent of Africans can read or write, because Christian mission schools have been shut down by communists.
*“God used the ‘Trail of Tears’ to bring many Indians to Christ.”
*The Great Depression was exaggerated by propagandists, including John Steinbeck, to advance a socialist agenda.
*Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential win was due to an imaginary economic crisis created by the media.
http://www.salon.com/2012/06/19/shocking_christia

CthuNHu June 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Alt-text: Hello poors. This is your TP ration for the week. Be grateful.

Nesnora June 20, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Challenge:
Find a way to divert taxpayer dollars to private corporations and religious schools.

Method:
1. Divert taxpayer funds.
2. Destroy teacher unions.
3. Destroy standards of education so creationism, censorship, corporate education labs can sprout.
3. Qualify any human being as a teacher.
4. Provide vouchers so public schools become non-competitive in the private sector and students move to better-funded (and eventually advertised) private religious schools.

The Big Sell:
Do it all in the name of reform, because no one knows what reform means in our current education system.

This is a shock doctrine against intellectualism. Get your church and your selfish gods out of my fucking paycheck.

MinAgain June 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm

First, privatize the prisons. Then, privatize the schools, and you can cut out that pesky middleman.

arihaya June 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

"All Children Left Behind Act of 2013"

gogogodzilla June 20, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Edukashun just turns peepel librul ennyway.

Missyb9479 June 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

How can private industry give more education for less money (since an ever increasing amount of money will need to go towards profits since businesses aren't happy with a stable return, it needs to keep growing year to year)? Even if you get rid of unions and pay the teachers less (not like they are making a lot now) then you will just attracted less qualified people as teachers because of, you know, the market. And how will you lower the costs for infrastructure when you can't negotiate for the best rates the way that government entities can?

Besides, wouldn't the best schools compete to attract the best students (thus making themselves look awesome)? Not to mention that the good students probably can be taught for less than the ones that actually need things like one-on-one intervention and special help.

Oh, what do I know. I went to public school AND am a girl so that makes me unsuited for these math things.

not that Radio June 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm

All You Really Need to Know You Will Learn In Kindergarten: Then It's Off to the Munitions Factory!

Slightly OT: Mitt Romney confounded by noodles, amazed at gas station touchscreen cash register (which he calls "touchtone")

viennawoods13 June 21, 2012 at 8:06 am

Oh ffs. Guffawing? Who says guffawing? He really is Mr Burns, isn't he?

not that Radio June 21, 2012 at 8:27 am

"How difficult could it be? I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, hmm?"

HarryButtle June 20, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Dizzy dog deposited in cage during drive-time vacation dumps diarrhea down back windshield of dipshit's minivan…

Negropolis June 21, 2012 at 1:42 am

This is basically being done in Detroit, where the emergency managers have basically decided to unravel Detroit Public Schools in favor of "independent" schools. In a city of 713,000, the public school system only has 50,000 students (in HUGE class sizes, BTW), in a city with a lot more students than that. Basically, they've made the public school system so small that you could drown it in a poorly maintained Detroit high school pool.

I understand that this has already been done in New Orleans, only there they used the aftermath of a natural disaster to dismantle there system.

Negropolis June 21, 2012 at 1:48 am

That's the Underpants Gnomes plan for public education, right?

hippie13 June 21, 2012 at 7:32 am

USA B 1 woot woot == Motto of LSU class of 2018

CivicHoliday June 21, 2012 at 7:54 am

As the daughter of a lifetime public HS teacher, a product of the public school system, and currently an adjunct professor at a community college, I have only this to say: fuck you with a big spiky donkey dick, Mittbot.

not that Radio June 21, 2012 at 8:31 am

"Professor" is the new "buggy whip manufacturer"

I should laugh (or "guffaw", as Mitt would say). I work in publicly-funded science. Your job will survive longer than mine will.

scvirginia June 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

And the first thing Obama will do once he's in office is take your guns…

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