Everyone can relax now because I am back from my vacation and here to shed light on all the horrible things that are in store for, or currently happening to, the Best Country On Earth.™ And as it turns out, there are several, which at this point should come to a surprise to exactly no one. For example, did you know about Mitt Romney’s plan to destroy public education, which he revealed a couple weeks ago in a White Paper that no one paid much attention to? This is an actual White Paper, by the way, not an offhand comment like the one he made about how much he likes firing people who provide teaching to you. You will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that the “ideas” in this 35-page-long White Paper are about the same as the ones that John Sununu said on TeeVee, and can be succinctly summarized as follows.

  1. Privatize K-12 education to give people Choices and whatnot.
  2. Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices.
  3. Destroy Teachers’ Unions because they are Communist, basically.

To be fair, there’s stuff in there about how no one actually needs to go to school (Higher education will flourish when “innovation and skill attainment” matter more than “time in classroom” and “Eligible students remaining in public schools will also have the option to use federal funds to purchase supplemental tutoring or digital courses from state-approved private providers rather than receiving Title I services from their district.”) Also, tax payers will give money to private corporations instead of public institutions (“charter school programs [must be able to] expand to meet demand, receive funding under the same formula that applies to all other publicly-supported schools, and access capital funds.”) And no Romney campaign materials would be complete without a bunch of flagrant lies! (“after three months,” he says, “students [in the DC voucher program] could already read at levels 19 months ahead of their public-school peers,” which, as the Guardian points out, is not true.) But basically, it boils down to destroying unions and free public education, which means that if Romneybot has his way, we will all be living in Louisiana and it’s going to be AWESOME.

[The Guardian]

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  • nounverb911

    They have schools in Louisiana?

    • yes, but they're run by local sheriffs and all the students have to share 1 book.

    • BornInATrailer

      Of fish!

      Too soon for flood jokes?

      • nounverb911

        Johnstown or Curt?

        • Curt Flood, A Well Paid Slave, is all uniony stuff and communist. Mittens wants to burn his seven gold gloves.

      • flamingpdog

        No more schools of fish, either – BP privatized them to Heaven.

        • IonaTrailer

          Nice school of thought…

    • Sassomatic

      Great private schools, assuming you can afford it.

    • Yes, there are still schools in Louisiana, but Governor Jindal has been making great progress in his quest to stomp them out. Maybe President Mittens will make Jindal his Secretary of Destruction of Education! Meanwhile Jindal has been tireless in the promotion of ignorance in Louisiana — watch out, Mississippi, we're lowering the bar in the race to the bottom!

    • mayor_quimby

      Mostly bartending schools. Ironically, they learn to make huge hurricanes in class.

    • What we have here is failure to communicate…bilingually.

    • hippie13

      Yep, Jeebus holds class every day and twice on sunday

  • nounverb911

    Can I still send my kid to the local Bobby Jindal Memorial Madras Academy?

    • …And Exorcism Emporium.

    • hippie13

      Show me the birth certificate bobby…you might be a muslim plant here to subvert amerika.

  • Williard's plans also involve shipping students to China.

    • nounverb911

      At their own expense?

  • flamingpdog

    Why do you keep saying "white" paper? I thought "white" papers were the only thing RethugliKlans read and wrote.

    And what is this "vacation" thingie you mentioned? Is that what the kids are calling "being jerbless" these days?

    • not that Radio

      It's not particularly white. There are 37 different colors of highlighted text in the google book. I just got epilepsy from following that link.

  • I just have to get my kids out of high school before the system explodes. Cross your fingers!

    • mayor_quimby

      Be sure to buy them a graduation rifle before Obama bans them!!!!

    • hippie13

      Lol I think we are all resigned to grandchildren with the IQ of houseplants.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    future sources of soylent green don't really need an education.

    • They just need to come to the 6/30 Seattle do at the Latona Pub.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I think I can, but I'm not sure. Mom is guilting me to come see her.

  • coolhandnuke

    " Dogs drive Douglas dizzy."….wrong again.

    "Dickhead drives dog dizzy."

    • Willard let the dogs out. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.

    • scvirginia

      Dizzy Mitt drives dogs.

  • dogscantlookup

    All S.A.T. answers; Mitt Romney is the mother of Rafalca, IT IS KNOWN!!1!

  • CapnRadio

    Sounds all right, but I draw the line of my third-grader having to flash her chest to get a gold star.

  • slithytoves

    digital courses from state-approved private providers

    "And then it hits you: you haven't learned a fucking thing."

    • hippie13

      My attention span has been so shortened I was barely able to read your…what was I saying.

  • i_AM_ready

    Say what you will, Louisiana's schools are only ranked 49th, Alabama's are worse. Wait, do I have that backwards? Maybe I'm thinking of infant mortality.
    Anyhow, Romney has 11 houses and a bunch of Cadillacs, so he must know best.

    • Crank_Tango

      And god knows how many wives…

  • But who will want to go to these private institutions if they start admitting Negroes and Moslems? Or, worse yet, the Poors?

    • bobbert

      Hahahahahahahahaha, as if.

  • edgydrifter

    Keep 'em dumb. Keep 'em scared. Keep 'em mean. That's the Republican recipe for their glorious thousand-year reich.

  • savethispatient

    Is our children learning? As it turns out, no.

    • scvirginia

      Oh, they is learning. Just nothing worth knowing.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, sure privatization will destroy educational standards and make our children stupid, but importantly big business will be able to make a profit, which is the most important thing.

  • Not_So_Much

    Rayse to thuh bottum!!1!

    • scvirginia

      Nyah- if we just sit here eatin' our cheeto's & hot pockets, the bottom will come to us.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Plank 1: Cut school budgets by 1/2 by putting all girls in a room with Teacher Barbie saying "Math is Hard!" Lather, rinse, repeat for twelve years.

  • Who knows more about education than a guy that squeezed the pension funds out of a bunch of struggling companies?

  • flamingpdog

    we will all be living in Louisiana and it’s going to be AWESOME.

    George S. Patton may have been delusional/psychotic, but at least he didn't want us to be shoveling shit in Louisiana like the Rethugs do.

  • Come here a minute

    Romney has not attended a for-profit college but he has friends that own them.

  • LastGasp

    * Privatize K-12 education to give people Choices and whatnot. Oh like privatized prisons? Yeah, that idea is working out well.

    * Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices. For-profit colleges exist to make a buck, and don't really have a good record when it comes to educating their students. Loosen regulations? That'll just make it easier to fleece the students.

    * Destroy Teachers’ Unions because they are Communist, basically. Might as well. After all, what have unions done for us, besides the 40 hour work week and a decent wage?

    • mayor_quimby

      I demand prison choice and nonunion guards

  • SayItWithWookies

    As a church leader, Mitt has a vital interest in promoting ignorance — you don't save souls for Kolob by teaching them facts and shit.

  • Baconzgood

    I ain't need no skool for i to be smart made. I done gone too CMUs already also.

    • James Michael Curley

      Knew a couple people from CMU who talked like that back when the school thought it could find the next MegaNerd. Also, Alta Vista

      • Baconzgood

        Many MegaNerds there. I was in the business school so I was removed from the geeks. It was a good school.

        • James Michael Curley

          I was in Duquesne but met a girl down the shore who was transferring to CMU so went there a lot. At least until she fledged a sorority and the ‘sisters’ decided a scruffy, Viet Vet was not good for her image.

          • When I first met my wife-to-be her younger sister told her I looked just like the dud in the Dating Game. Fortunately she found that endearing, or at least not sufficiently annoying to 86 me. 41 years later I've graduated from old Army fatigues to garage sale clothes in random sizes. I did have to wear a suit for a few years in between.

  • mrpuma2u

    So when I start a Wiccan free love children's academy, I can haz teh gubmint monees too?

    • MacRaith

      Didn't you get the memo? Only REAL religions are allowed to run charter schools. No Wiccans, Moonies, Muslims, Hare Krishnas, Unitarians, and for God's sake no Mormons… Um, oops. Looks like Mitt didn't think this through.

    • Sassomatic

      Of course not. Public money can only go to fund Christian schools churches, because The Founding Fathers.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        So I really should abandon my plans for the Nogod Because Fuck You Atheist Academy for the Gifted?

        • bobbert

          Although that would be a fabulous application.

      • mayor_quimby

        Funny how money is fungible when it comes to abortions, but not to church schools…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Is it true Republicans come from the planet Prometheus?

    • savethispatient

      Yes, I'm pretty sure they oozed out of one of those jars…

  • mavenmaven

    All they need to know about to be good 'merkans is GUNS!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Is there anything in there about having the little ones earn their keep and (BONUS) learn the American Way by cleaning a few toilets 2-3 days a week after school?

  • Can I get JUST ONE example of privatized anything that went well? Seriously. Just one.

    • SexySmurf

      Privatized parts?

      • Hmmm . . . I guess it depends on whose they are.

    • mavenmaven

      The prisons seem to be booming!

      • True. Sadly true.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Prison Privatization. Been going on strong since the late 1990s, baby! Whoohoo!

    • CthuNHu

      The aqueduct?

    • Come here a minute

      Private Idaho?

    • The Darien colony?

  • Boy. He really showed those people who think the president ought to know stuff.

  • A Chancre for Every Child

  • elviouslyqueer

    Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices.

    Like, say, The University of Phoenix?

  • Sassomatic

    Hey whatever living in Louisiana is awesome. Boiled crawfish, two days off for Mardi Gras, and hurrication!

  • flamingpdog

    I look forward to the day when Americans are so dumb that someone can suggest that Kris Benson and Chris Hedges co-author a Ch/Kris Benson & Hedges blog post at teh Wonkette without feeling the least amount of shame..

  • RedneckMuslin

    Not too OT: Purdue just hired Mitch Daniels as their president. You know, W's financail adviser. Indiana right to work governor. Slimeball.

    • chicken_thief

      That's just a ploy to throw everyone off the veep trail.

    • mayor_quimby

      Did his wife leave him for the president of Indiana?

  • ttommyunger

    "The Country needs ditch-diggers too, son." – Judge Smails.

  • Beowoof

    They want you to know just enough to be able to run the machines. To be an obedient servant. – with credit to George Carlin. Mitt is merely providing more evidence of this fact.

    • TribecaMike

      I see his point, but there's nothing wrong with operating machinery. The hard part is finding a decent well-paying job doing it. I loved George, but not everyone can be a writer, actor and stand-up comedian.

      • CthuNHu

        You missed the "just enough" part.

        They don't want you to be educated enough to find Carlin funny.

        • TribecaMike


  • Eve8Apples

    We goez to Skoolz in louie Z anna? Can we have resess at the Marty GRaw?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    We don't need no education

    • PubOption

      We do need some thought control.

    • bobbert

      We got plenty thought control, though.

  • BlueStateLibel

    "Also, tax payers will give money to private corporations …" That's all you need to know about the privitization of education. I can't wait to read about how XYZ Learning LLC is increasing class sizes to 60 students in order to "enhance shareholder value."

  • owhatever

    I kin spell "catfish" now that Brother Joe-Bob explained to our advanced studies Bible English class 10th grade level how God on the fourth day created a cat and a fish and made them fuck.

  • Pithaughn

    Just checking, does it say anywhere in the white paper if one of the goals is to make USA # 1 in educating? Or can we assume the education system results will trend towards the health care system results? You know, twice the expense, nearly last in outcomes?

  • KotBR

    I, for one, look forward to sending my children to the Haliburton Academy for Oil-Well Drilling and Brown People Shooting.

  • elviouslyqueer

    But basically, it boils down to destroying unions and free public education, which means that if Romneybot has his way, we will all be living in Louisiana and it’s going to be AWESOME.

    So, this is obviously bad news for Supriya Jindal.

  • Nostrildamus

    I'd rather have gumbo than spelling tests anyway.

  • poorgradstudent

    I swear I honestly try to understand the rationale behind people who support Mitt Romney and current conservative economic ideas. Yet I still can't even begin to get a grip on "Private industries are always inherently better than public institutions because derp derp deeeerrrp."

  • now that johnny depp is newly single i don't care about any of this.

  • RomanSolo3000

    I don't see the problem. Mitt has a great track record in the education system, what with his torturing of gay kids and all.

  • TribecaMike

    Soon to be heard in school cafeterias nationwide: "Processed imitation crawfish gumbo for lunch again?!!"

  • does mittbot know that schools are mostly run and funded by states/local entities?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    You can't build a 21st century theocracy without a strong foundation of illiteracy.

  • Estproph

    Why not just fund the schools by sucking oil out of the water?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Has Romoney even considered what this will do to high school football and basketball?

    • BoroPrimorac

      Not to worry. With vouchers, high school athletics will be just like the NCAA. You can recruit from whatever neighborhood you want by bribing the athletes' parents.

      • bobbert

        This already happens without vouchers. It's a little thing I call "scholarships".

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    So … what are they learning in Louisiana schools?

    *The Loch Ness monster is a dinosaur.
    *The Second Law of Thermodynamics disproves Evolution.
    *A Japanese whaling boat found a dinosaur.
    *Only ten percent of Africans can read or write, because Christian mission schools have been shut down by communists.
    *“God used the ‘Trail of Tears’ to bring many Indians to Christ.”
    *The Great Depression was exaggerated by propagandists, including John Steinbeck, to advance a socialist agenda.
    *Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential win was due to an imaginary economic crisis created by the media.

  • CthuNHu

    Alt-text: Hello poors. This is your TP ration for the week. Be grateful.

  • Nesnora

    Find a way to divert taxpayer dollars to private corporations and religious schools.

    1. Divert taxpayer funds.
    2. Destroy teacher unions.
    3. Destroy standards of education so creationism, censorship, corporate education labs can sprout.
    3. Qualify any human being as a teacher.
    4. Provide vouchers so public schools become non-competitive in the private sector and students move to better-funded (and eventually advertised) private religious schools.

    The Big Sell:
    Do it all in the name of reform, because no one knows what reform means in our current education system.

    This is a shock doctrine against intellectualism. Get your church and your selfish gods out of my fucking paycheck.

  • MinAgain

    First, privatize the prisons. Then, privatize the schools, and you can cut out that pesky middleman.

  • arihaya

    "All Children Left Behind Act of 2013"

  • gogogodzilla

    Edukashun just turns peepel librul ennyway.

  • Missyb9479

    How can private industry give more education for less money (since an ever increasing amount of money will need to go towards profits since businesses aren't happy with a stable return, it needs to keep growing year to year)? Even if you get rid of unions and pay the teachers less (not like they are making a lot now) then you will just attracted less qualified people as teachers because of, you know, the market. And how will you lower the costs for infrastructure when you can't negotiate for the best rates the way that government entities can?

    Besides, wouldn't the best schools compete to attract the best students (thus making themselves look awesome)? Not to mention that the good students probably can be taught for less than the ones that actually need things like one-on-one intervention and special help.

    Oh, what do I know. I went to public school AND am a girl so that makes me unsuited for these math things.

  • not that Radio

    All You Really Need to Know You Will Learn In Kindergarten: Then It's Off to the Munitions Factory!

    Slightly OT: Mitt Romney confounded by noodles, amazed at gas station touchscreen cash register (which he calls "touchtone")

    • viennawoods13

      Oh ffs. Guffawing? Who says guffawing? He really is Mr Burns, isn't he?

      • not that Radio

        "How difficult could it be? I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, hmm?"

  • HarryButtle

    Dizzy dog deposited in cage during drive-time vacation dumps diarrhea down back windshield of dipshit's minivan…

  • Negropolis

    This is basically being done in Detroit, where the emergency managers have basically decided to unravel Detroit Public Schools in favor of "independent" schools. In a city of 713,000, the public school system only has 50,000 students (in HUGE class sizes, BTW), in a city with a lot more students than that. Basically, they've made the public school system so small that you could drown it in a poorly maintained Detroit high school pool.

    I understand that this has already been done in New Orleans, only there they used the aftermath of a natural disaster to dismantle there system.

  • Negropolis

    That's the Underpants Gnomes plan for public education, right?

  • hippie13

    USA B 1 woot woot == Motto of LSU class of 2018

  • CivicHoliday

    As the daughter of a lifetime public HS teacher, a product of the public school system, and currently an adjunct professor at a community college, I have only this to say: fuck you with a big spiky donkey dick, Mittbot.

    • not that Radio

      "Professor" is the new "buggy whip manufacturer"

      I should laugh (or "guffaw", as Mitt would say). I work in publicly-funded science. Your job will survive longer than mine will.

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