BIGGER THAN JESUS  9:51 pm June 19, 2012

Better Than The Bolshoi, Deeper Than Roots, It’s Bristol Palin’s Teevee Show Or Whatever

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Mother's milkOMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS Bristol Palin’s reality show Life’s A Tripp is starting any second on Lifetime! The reviews have not been “the greatest” so far (lamestream media). Like this, from the Chicago Sun-Times!

What we’re left with are Bristol and Willow shopping, squabbling and engaging in vapid conversations. In other words, the Alaskan Kardashians.

And neither have the promos! They all show this, because apparently that is the only “exciting” thing that happened in the whole season.

Boy is this going to be SO GREAT.

9:55 PM – Oh here is your TMZ reading assignment: “Former Disney star Kyle Massey” (???) is suing person or persons unknown (but not Bristol) for cutting him out of the show, which he claims he came up with.

In the suit, filed today in federal court in L.A., the Massey brothers claim they met Bristol on “Dancing with the Stars” … and developed the idea for a show in which the brothers help Palin meet the challenges of child rearing while adjusting to life in L.A.

In fact, the Masseys claim they had even picked out a name for the show — “Bristol-ogy 101.”

But according to the suit, a producer named David McKenzie hijacked the project, cut the Masseys out of the show and repackaged the program as “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp” … which is set to premiere tonight on Lifetime.

The Masseys are demanding a ton of money — claiming they were guaranteed $500k to star in the show … PLUS they want even more cash for coming up with the idea. The brothers also want a judge to shut down “Life’s a Tripp” as soon possible.

Now that we are all up to speed, let us enjoy “Life’s A Tripp” while we can!

9:52 PM – Sorry, but “the Helen Keller solo” on Dance Moms is never not going to be funny.

10:04 PM – There is a girl with blue hair. This is going to be hard to figure out, we think. We have cracked the champagne because we are out of everything else. Bristol seems to be yakking about something, because opening credits.

10:06 PM – A baby is something that needs attention seven days a week. THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW YOU GUYS. “It’s really hard being a single mom.” ALSO GOOD TO KNOW.

10:09 PM — Sarah Palin’s reality show makeup is distractingly pink and pancakey. FROWNY FACE!

10:10 PM — “Being a single mom is the toughest job. Why won’t Willow come with me and raise my baby for me?”

10:11 PM – Oh right, there is an Adventure Arc, wherein Bristol (and au pair/slave Willow) move to Hollywood, you guys! It’s like the Odyssey, and stuff.

10:14 PM — We don’t know how to tell you this, but Sarah Palin just conveyed a pile of common sense. Sarah Palin does NOT think it is appropriate to quit your job via text message! And that is the last time we will ever agree with Sarah Palin.

10:16 PM — And we meet Gino. And within one minute we are slaughtered by the force of his terrible personality. And, we will just say it, EVEN BRISTOL PALIN does not deserve this total piece of awesome dude. We are sorry, Bristol. Run to LA! RUN! LA dudes are mostly horrible, but at least (apparently) they’re not fucking Alaska.

10:20 PM — Commercials! What do you think, Wonkette commenter AngerBear?

Balancing shopping, texting, snacking, occasionally glancing over at Torp, texting, quizzically poking at her chinplant, staring vacantly and texting must be such an ordeal for a young lady on a strict(ly unlimited) budget. How does she do it all? She is so brave.

10:26 PM — “Thank God Willow is here to be my au pair/slave so I can go out to the bull-riding bar because of how I am a teen mom who never gets to go out except all the times I go out.”

10:29 PM – Right so that just happened. “Your mom is evil. Your mom is a whore.” “Is it because you’re a homosexual?” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why these fuckers need to just secede already, and Abraham Lincoln should have let these bitches go. We are different peoples, we speak different languages, and some of us believe Jesus rode dinosaurs.

10:36 PM —
And Bristol is sad, and she is 21 years old, and you could see why that would be hard. But already she has learned the lesson about “curating” reality, so that the guy (who was terribly rude: that was rude; yes it was) only hates her mother “because she’s against gay marriage,” and Bristol is having trouble getting privacy because of “cameras and paparazzi” — that she herself has hired. And all of that goes unmentioned, and she seems to have no idea of the vile hatred her mother has specialized in throwing out, only that which has been flung back at her. And maybe we’re all like this, or were more like that at 21, and at least this is more interesting than a fucking strip-club-store shopping spree on Hollywood Boulevard.

10:48 PM – “I needed a break from all this drama, so I called my friend I starred in a TV show with.” So.

7:50 PM — And here comes our second bit of drama, per the NYT story linked above: Bristol has come down to LA to “work” (volunteer) with Help the Children. And she goes to Skid Row, and Skid Row is fucking serious you guys. In fact, Skid Row is a disgrace. And others are ragging on Bristol for not having gotten out of the car, and we are here to tell you: No. There is no reason Bristol Palin should have gotten out of the car on Sixth Street in downtown LA. You can suss it out from the inside of your vehicle. It is Nightmarelandia, and seeing it is enough to make an impression. And we promise that is true.

10:56 PM — Willow’s hair is a completely different color than the last scene. So what scene was filmed out of order for the producers? We will never know.

10:57 PM — “Do you realize that as a mom I will have to find a whole new slave if you leave? How is that fair to me, as a mom, not to have a slave at all times? Who is 17 and apparently unencumbered by school?” It’s almost over, dudes. Almost there.

11:03 PM — Man, Sarah Palin really does not want her 17-year-old daughter, Willow, to come home. Because she is the best mother in history. Also, her children love her a lot and don’t at all hang up on her for being a cow.

11:06 PM — Oh right, forgot about the baby. That is some Olympic-level guilt-tripping Bristol is laying down on her 17-year-old sister about how the baby (Bristol’s baby) has no one. Especially Bristol. These people all need to go to family counseling. Also, Willow needs to move to Austin and become a lesbian homosexual. And good for her for rejecting the awesome YOU MUST RAISE MY BABY her sister just laid down on her before she asked WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST HIRE SOMEONE OFF THE STREET? Yay, Willow has boundaries!

11:10 PM — Hooray, the perfect, golden Aryan baby is back! Hello, adorable! It is good to see you for the second minute in this hour-long show that bears your name. Sorry Bristol Palin is your mom.

 
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{ 210 comments }

Maman June 19, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Because I don't like to see children abused, I will watch neither Dance Moms nor that Bristol claptrap, but like those Massey boys. I spent alot of years watching That's So Raven and Zoey 101

W88 June 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I'm not watching until Bristle moves in with the guy with the 100-pound scrotum.

Gratuitous World June 19, 2012 at 9:57 pm

oh, you mean THAT Kyle Massey?

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 3:52 am

Would have been better with Kenneth Gladney..

Dudleydidwrong June 19, 2012 at 10:00 pm

If this is the present equivalent of the Roman's "bread and circuses" I guess we know that the bread is pretty damn stale and moldy and the circus left only elephant shit under the tent.

iburl June 19, 2012 at 10:07 pm

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ChernobylSoup June 19, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Very Feng Shui

rmjagg June 19, 2012 at 11:32 pm

i like the original roman version … where they feed the lions … with christians …. like bristle

NorthStarSpanx June 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

The Palin's aren't into titles man. Also too, Christian, is very generous of you.

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 10:01 am

If that's how she rides a bull, she needs to stay in Alaska where all she'll fuck are fumbling little hockey players and the gas station attendants they grow up to be. She'll never survive actual sex with a real man.

Chet Kincaid June 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oh, I'm sure you've bucked many a skirt through a plate glass window!

Serolf_Divad June 19, 2012 at 10:00 pm

My idea for a reality show: Bristol in a convent. How long before she gets knocked up by a visiting friar?

CapnRadio June 19, 2012 at 10:23 pm

You could call it Ugh-Bris of God!

flamingpdog June 20, 2012 at 12:01 am

I think the only friar Bristle will ever have any familarity with is a deep-fryer.

tihond June 20, 2012 at 12:40 am

Father Ted likes this idea.

Chow Yun Flat June 20, 2012 at 1:00 am

Friar? I barely knew her.

An_Outhouse June 20, 2012 at 8:40 am

You brought her, you friar.

Negropolis June 20, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Forgive me lord, I read "visiting friar" as "fisting vicar." Damn you dirty mind and undiagnosed dyslexia.

Crank_Tango June 19, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Alaskardashians? Needs moar ass!

fuflans June 19, 2012 at 11:35 pm

actually i really doubt that.

rickmaci June 20, 2012 at 1:00 am

Apparently, momma snow-billy already did the NBA player thing so …

NYNYNYjr June 20, 2012 at 1:45 am

much better title

flamingpdog June 19, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Is Raymond Massey a plaintiff in the law suit, too, also?

Chichikovovich June 19, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Perhaps the original conception of the show also had Bristol moved from place to place by a Massey-Ferguson.

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Indeed, Canada needs to get in on this action.

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 10:04 pm

This show hasn't even aired yet and the entire country has been sick of it for weeks.

And Kyle Massey? That's So Bristol!

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 2:07 am

Corey in the Court House.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 19, 2012 at 10:04 pm

How'd you get my baby pic?
~

flamingpdog June 19, 2012 at 10:16 pm

OhmiDarwin, thunder, we must have been separated at birth!

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 10:02 am

You're too old to be my son.

Mittens Howell, III June 19, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I'd watch but my TV got the news and committed suicide.

iburl June 19, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I don't plan on watching this!
I also don't plan on rubbing my face violently with a lemon juice-soaked cheese grater!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 20, 2012 at 5:22 am

Good thing, because it would be a tough call if you had to pick one.

johnnyzhivago June 19, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Bristol in a crab pot. At the bottom of the Bering Sea.

mwittier June 20, 2012 at 12:12 am

I giggled at this, really unappealingly, looked around or a second so I could pretend it was new, chortled some more, then repeated the process with increasing refractory periods until the humor was worn out (six times.)
Now I'm going to go eat something and come back later and see if I can try again.
Your comment will be all of Wonkette for me until it's utterly devoid of any enjoyment.
I think I'm co-dependent. And apparently it is in my nature to behave like Peter Lorre with a secret Family Circle cartoon. Who knew.

smokefilledroommate June 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm

"I want to raise Tripp 'Alaskan' because I want him to be tough and outdoorsy"

So don't get hysterical when he starts playing with your shoes and purses.

Maman June 19, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Sorry, I saw the picture of Bristol shooting in sandals… That is not exactly what I would call "outdoorsy".

Mittens Howell, III June 19, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Wasilla cowboy boots.

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

o/~ I'm a lumberjack and that's OK
I sleep all night and I work al day…. o/~

ProgressiveInga June 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Someone give $arah a mooseburger.

johnnyzhivago June 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Like the Kardashians, but with without the class.

ProgressiveInga June 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

And without the ass.

angerbear June 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Balancing shopping, texting, snacking, occasionally glancing over at Torp, texting, quizzically poking at her chinplant, staring vacantly and texting must be such an ordeal for a young lady on a strict(ly unlimited) budget. How does she do it all? She is so brave.

johnnyzhivago June 19, 2012 at 10:07 pm

America's Royal Family!

poorgradstudent June 19, 2012 at 11:19 pm

More inbred than the Hapsburgs!

rmjagg June 19, 2012 at 11:36 pm

or any hillbilly dynasty

Chichikovovich June 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm

In fact, the Masseys claim they had even picked out a name for the show — “Bristol-ogy 101.

If you had challenged me to come up with a crappier and less appealing name than "Life's A Tripp" for this contribution to the broadcast arts, I wouldn't have been able to. But these young go-getters, the Massey lads, succeeded where I would have failed. I forecast great things in their futures.

NorthStarSpanx June 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

The Palin's don't believe in 101, it's all post-secondary educationay and whatnot.

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Think I'll watch the NBA Finals instead. More reality, less bimbo.

cbbruuno June 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Even if Bimbo Coles was still playing for the Heat there would be less 'bimbo'.

Gunner Asch June 20, 2012 at 12:08 am

Thanks for going back to your old avatar. It's a good-un. My 6 year old granddaughter was reading over my shoulder a few months ago and asked if the kittyshark was real. Being nicer than Calvin's dad, I told the truth (it is real, isn't it?)

Mittens Howell, III June 19, 2012 at 10:08 pm

How many wine-cooler puking sessions? I mean, episodes.

johnnyzhivago June 19, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Life's a Tripp – and then you have another baby.

smokefilledroommate June 19, 2012 at 10:14 pm

And you actually name it Acid!

starfanglednut June 20, 2012 at 9:50 am

Brown Acid.

q_tion_evrythng June 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

"and then you have another baby." Brisdull's been there, done that. Why do you think she was over-Spanxed and did not lose weight while on DWTS?

mayor_quimby June 19, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Just flipped to it, and the first commercial I see is for Cracker Barrel. fitting.

CapnRadio June 19, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Bristol-ogy 101: How much you wanna bet Levi would let you use his crib notes?

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 10:09 pm

When they do the follow-up, after this does the epic fail and she returns to Alaska in ratings shame, they can call it “Bristol-orgy 101.”

Maman June 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

gang-bang for meth?

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 10:21 pm

and wine coolers.

NorthStarSpanx June 20, 2012 at 9:11 am

Not Afraid to Fail.

smokefilledroommate June 19, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"Mom just thinks I need to spread my legs wings"..

Seriously, I don't think I can watch anymore of this without blowing some chunks.

finallyhappy June 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

oh,I am watching Serenity on Cloo- I am too lazy to put on the DvD- and yet a movie I have seen 10 times- seeing it on regular TV is better than Bristol trash

fuflans June 19, 2012 at 11:39 pm

well jesus christ man it's joss whedan. what? is consistent viewing of good shit going to add some kind of equivalency to the drek that is reality TV?

i don't think so.

calliecallie June 20, 2012 at 10:24 am

I really miss Firefly.

flamingpdog June 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Reality shows, reality shows! How about reviving some good ol' classic Teevee, like starring Bristle, Pillow, and Viper in "The Return to Petticoat Junction". I don't know about the shopping part, but it would certainly take care of the squabbling and engaging in vapid conversations part.

Oh, and another idea for reviving classic (= dimbulb) TeeVee with a modern twist: "My Mother the Kardashian".

new_pic_for_NEWTer June 19, 2012 at 10:33 pm

fpd, if I may call you that, you my friend are an idea man, the likes of which the industry hasn't seen since maybe that one episode of the Flintstones. If I could give you all of my p-ness, I would.

northernbassist June 19, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Remember the MMTC theme song?

A grifting, certified wingnut,
That's my mother dear.
She puts her Choos,
In everything I do,
And I'm too young for beer….

johnnyzhivago June 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

If they had worked Bristol in somehow with storm chasers or Hitler, this might have been worth watching.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 19, 2012 at 10:29 pm

"Stormfront Chasing With The Palins"

Now I just gotta hope some pro-doocer don't steal my idear.
~

rmjagg June 19, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Bristle , star of the white slave trade , only as a rental unit

gullywompr June 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Anybody know where I left my cyanide?

Steverino247 June 19, 2012 at 10:37 pm

San Quentin?

flamingpdog June 19, 2012 at 10:55 pm

I dunno, but I'm sure glad I stopped at the beer store on the way home from work and bought a case of beer before sitting down to the computer to read this blog post.

ProgressiveInga June 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Needs moar Piper!!!

CapnRadio June 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

It should come as no surprise that Bristology is easy; it's the damned †rigonometry that'll get ya.

urbanfarmcp June 20, 2012 at 12:54 am

That was an awesome play on words CapnRadio! Kudos to you.

smokefilledroommate June 19, 2012 at 10:16 pm

That baby in the pic is showing some PA pride! Noice!

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 11:10 pm

They can do amazing things with animatronics nowadays.

littlebigdaddy June 19, 2012 at 10:17 pm

The NYT review was devastating in an understated way. They drive Titties to Skid Row in LA, and she says that she has heard of it but not sure what it is.

rmjagg June 19, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Enter teTitties to Skid Row in LA – they named the one in wasilla after her …

bumfug June 19, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I'd rather watch the old guy and the kid fight over mashed potatoes and gravy or mac and cheese.

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Wherever they go, Palinses always leave a trail of hangers-on, total nobodies, has-beens, and never-weres in their wake. Yup, California is the place to be.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 20, 2012 at 5:27 am

… so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverleeeee.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Ooo….Willow: "And you're an immature, 20-year-old mom."

Fight! Fight! Fight!

JackObin June 19, 2012 at 10:28 pm

From "The Young People's Guide to the Orchestra " to Bristol Palin in less than 50 years. Yeah, I think we can say this nation has regressed.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 20, 2012 at 5:28 am

I bet $10,000 that the audience is mostly Repuglican.

scorpy1 June 19, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I think it's time to get the phrase "vanity press" back into the cultural mindset.

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 10:33 pm

People are being awfully harsh. Granted, Bristol recreating River Phoenix's OD in front of The Viper Room was a bit misguided, but that's what happens when you hire the writers of Fox's Red Eye to script your reality show.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Oh, god. They just made her a martyr.

Rename this thing "Beverly Snowbillies" and call it a day. No one has lost any.

gullywompr June 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm

She became one the moment her mom decided to run for VP.

Iam_Who_Iam June 20, 2012 at 6:17 am

Yea! Bonus points for the "No one has lost any" reference!

I love it when my many wasted hours reading Wonkette comments pays off with a good memorable chuckle.

Chichikovovich June 19, 2012 at 10:35 pm

It’s like the Odyssey, and stuff.

Except that they apparently had the run-in with Circe before the trip began.

commiegirl99 June 19, 2012 at 11:13 pm

STOP BEING SO SEXY.

fuflans June 19, 2012 at 11:51 pm

wait. there are swine and wine and unauthorized coupling here. which particular insult are we going for here.

commiegirl99 June 20, 2012 at 12:10 am

Oh I thought he was calling them pigs. Was I too drunk and literal again?

Chichikovovich June 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

You understood me right. [Amazing, really - like a psychic connection. Perhaps we were Siamese twins in a past life.]

The learnèd Shakespearean actress fuflans was just pointing out that I could also have been calling them drunkards or adulterers, since Odysseus and the Odysseyoids got into more degradation than mere swinery in their time with Circe.

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 12:40 am

All

No, I can't do it.

Chichikovovich June 20, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Όλοι τους Κέιτι ?

bobbert June 21, 2012 at 4:26 am

I'm a little late to get back to this, and must confess to having no proper comprehension of Greek, but I was quite amazed when I ran it through google translate (even though the last word was a pretty broad hint).

I conclude that there are people at Google who are doing the same thing that I assume is happening at the Siri department of Apple: out-guessing their customers.

I mean, turning "Κέιτι" into "Katie" didn't happen by accident.

Actually, I could also believe an expert system, but somebody still has to instruct it.

MittBorg June 20, 2012 at 12:51 am

I've never heard a more discreet way of calling people swine. (Deservedly, let me add.)

Chet Kincaid June 20, 2012 at 10:57 am

"I don't understand what all that ancient Greek stuff has to do with math, Doc. Is this gonna be on the exam?"

LetUsBray June 19, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Willow is 17, yes? So I'm sure the show at least mentions her transferring into a local high school, hitting the books, sweating her SATs, and lining up her college applications, right?

Right?

tihond June 20, 2012 at 12:46 am

Dropping Out: IOKIYAR

MittBorg June 20, 2012 at 12:51 am

Willow is 17 yes. This means it is time for her to get knocked up and pop a BayBeeGriftlet.

Estproph June 20, 2012 at 9:00 am

No. She's getting homeschooled by Tripp.

rocktonsam June 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm

so weed and prostitution are legal in Alaska now, too.

isn't BPalin living at home?

Mama Grizzle gots more roomz that need TeeVeez and drivewAYS THAT NEED SUv's and they ain't going to pay for themselves. Its for Merkia and Reagun and stuff,

Steverino247 June 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Roger Waters needs to update his act as there's now 1300 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.

rocktonsam June 19, 2012 at 10:53 pm

accept for Naked News, we have 1299 channels of shit to choose from, sir.

Guppy June 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm

“Being a single mom is the toughest job. Why won’t Willow come with me and raise my baby for me?”

Without naming names, I believe I've noticed a trend through life, where the women irresponsible enough to have a surprise pregnancy also tend to be the ones irresponsible enough to try to foist their kids on just about anybody else in their life (immediate family and/or close friends seem to be popular targets).

Some get better, others not so much.

Maman June 19, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Makes me feel like an idiot for being married with a house in graduate school and working with a husband out of town all week while I was raising toddlers

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Willow is so going home, you guys, you hear?

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I ain't watching that crap, but has she healed anyone yet, or at least flashed her fake boobies at a hunky carhop?

Chill_Bill June 19, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I think I'd rather watch Octomom's new porn flick.

Steverino247 June 19, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Eight Inches Ain't Enough?

smokefilledroommate June 19, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Isn't it some weird Hentai tentacle shit?

Chill_Bill June 19, 2012 at 11:15 pm

I'll let you figure that one out.

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 1:41 am

I ain't gonna watch it! Goddamn.

Negropolis June 20, 2012 at 6:13 am

That chick is so wrecked the babies probably walk out of her of their own volition, now.

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 9:55 am

You mean the ninety minutes she spends fapping?

There's a poetry to that.

StealthMuslin June 19, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I would like to thank Your Editrix for throwing herself on this fragmentation grenade of Stupid in order to save the rest of the platoon.

Steverino247 June 19, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Here's another brutal review: http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/tv/li

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Best thing I've read in WaPo since Watergate. Thanks.

Steverino247 June 19, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Oh, come now! There must have been a few obituaries you enjoyed along the way?

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 2:03 am

There was “Dancing With the Stars” to compete in and the covers of magazines to appear on and a memoir to publish (which the young Palin claims was a bestseller; 15,000 copies sold so far, according to Nielsen BookScan) about the struggles of a young, single mom.

Awww, snap!

Negropolis June 20, 2012 at 6:15 am

we keep hearing about the painful glare of media attention that snapped on nearly four years ago when her ­values-preaching mother, Sarah Palin, ran for vice president on the Republican ticket just at the time a teenage Bristol was pregnant with a son. That glare never ended, mostly because Bristol keeps reaching to turn the switch back on.

Shit just got real.

Her intent is to volunteer at a religious-based charity called Help the Children. When she gets there, a worker gives her a Help the Children polo shirt and takes her on a tour of L.A.’s skid row, where Palin makes a lethargic attempt to appear even remotely interested. The charity work being done here is bizarrely inverse, in which a needy child of our political culture wars is helped by Help the Children to get airtime.

Bwahahahaha!!!

There is the furnished Beverly Hills mansion, redolent in its “Bachelorette” and Simpson-Lachey decor, smelling faintly of failed enterprises, pool chlorine and compromised souls.

Damn. Every single line of this snarky review is comedy gold.

Even if you have a lasting grudge against all things Palin, there’s no payoff here. It’s a new low for anyone who makes the mistake of watching.

Okay, now, Mr. Stuever, I will not have you impugning my character and judging my choices. I will have you know that I was watching this ironically, Hank.

Extemporanus June 19, 2012 at 10:50 pm

SPOILER ALERT!

In the season finale, it will be revealed that the events of the past four years were actually all in Tríg Palin's imagination.

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

He wakes up in a shower and finds Bobby next to him?

Or is this a St Elsewhere ending, with the retread who dreamed the entire series up?

smokefilledroommate June 19, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Lifetime: The Sad Disempowered Woman Channel….
And when you're newly fame-rich, like any Palin, you get your own reality show espousing the travails of single motherhood to a probable audience of actual single mothers on food stamps. There is no education in this, just sadness and longing for the serious viewer. Way to go, Barftime! We don't need a misogynist channel as long as you're in the lineup!

poorgradstudent June 19, 2012 at 11:26 pm

They really should have stuck to "Golden Girls" reruns.

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 3:59 am

Or "Not Without My Daughter" shit. (Which was actually somewhat groundbreaking in its day).

DerrickWildcat June 20, 2012 at 4:30 am

"She Said No!"
"Where my Daughter?!"
"No One Could Hear her Screams."
"The New Neighbor Kid is Staring at my Daughter!"
"Nobody Knows That I Have That One Really Bad Disease."
"Secret Lives, Secret Wives."

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

In the 60s (maybe it was a little later) a group of newspaper reporters were sitting in a bar, smashed, and came up with the idea of writing the worst fucking novel ever and trying to sell it. Thus was born Naked Came The Stranger.

I am completely convinced McGrady has a job at Lifetime TV

Doktor Zoom June 20, 2012 at 10:37 am

There was a retread of the idea a few years ago, only the joke was open and the participants all Florida writers, Carl Hiassen, Elmore Leonard, and Dave Barry among them. The result was 1996's Naked Came the Manatee, available wherever remaindered bestsellers are sold.

Chet Kincaid June 20, 2012 at 11:06 am

Only on Wonkette can one find Porn Scholarship at this level of erudition. I hope MacArthur gives your grant application serious consideration.

bobbert June 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm

So, "Fifty Shades of Naked" is a sequel?

Blueb4sunrise June 19, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Dr. Gonzo: You took too much, man. You took too much.

DerrickWildcat June 19, 2012 at 10:55 pm

You guys just don't get it! This show is just showing how normal, down to earth and all-American Bristol is! This is a recipe for truly scintillating television!

Antispandex June 19, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Any way at all that Bristol can wind up pregnant again, and then maybe a TeeVee wedding, and the Mom of the bride could be real bitchy, but in a sweet endearing way? Oh, and she could be a real cranky bride, and uncomfortable, and also bitchy, because none of that has ever been done on the tube either!

LandonNBR June 19, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Wow… I just…. I can't….. ahhhhhh!!!! I'd call Bristol a redneck, but redneck mommas are better moms than that. I know, live around rednecks! WTF?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhh!

But… Go Willow! Put your foot down girl!

Joshua Norton June 19, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Awwww. Leetle baby is soooo cute! He's like kryptonite to my powers of super snark.

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 11:06 pm

According to imdb, one of the executive producers is currently filming "Marie!" starring Marie Osmond (as Marie! natch), "an inspirational journey to help people make a difference in their own lives."

I hope no naive viewer gets the shows confused and loses themselves in an parallel Lovecraftian universe from which there is no escape. On second thought, I'd watch that.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 20, 2012 at 5:45 am

Help people "make a difference in their own lives"? How fucking hard is that?
"I've fallen onto the couch in front of the teevee, and I can't get up."

CapnRadio June 19, 2012 at 11:12 pm

7:50 PM — And here comes our second bit of drama, per the NYT story linked above

Rebecca, I do believe that you've PST yourself.

Sharkey June 19, 2012 at 11:23 pm

It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely…

Let's do the time-warp again.

StarsUponThars June 19, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this

– Charles Bukowski

iburl June 19, 2012 at 11:24 pm

"Willow needs to move to Austin and become a lesbian homosexual."

No, no a thousand times no.
Unless it turns out something like this… http://youtu.be/CyYK6zb4Xx0

(Actually, I suppose it's already starting to end up like this for the Palins.)

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Thanks Rebecca for your noble sacrifice. Sounds like the show will need more buffy-headed marmosets before I'll tune in. Like, a lot more buffy-headed marmosets.

poorgradstudent June 19, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I'm impressed. I thought Sarah Palin's attention-whoring powers would have caused her to fly down and take up 99.99% of the screentime. I guess they kept her in line by upping her meth dosage…?

BarackMyWorld June 19, 2012 at 11:45 pm

In the suit, filed today in federal court in L.A., the Massey brothers claim they met Bristol on “Dancing with the Stars” … and developed the idea for a show in which the brothers help Palin meet the challenges of child rearing while adjusting to life in L.A.

THAT IDEA IS TOO UNORIGINAL TO SUE SOMEONE OVER.

That'd be like a porn actress trying to trademark fucking on film.

rmjagg June 19, 2012 at 11:50 pm

it's like ' lord of the flies ' , only with lazy-ass slugs …

Biel_ze_Bubba June 20, 2012 at 5:47 am

"in which the brothers help Palin meet the challenges of child rearing while adjusting to life in L.A."

Well, that's not what's on the show, is it, boys?

Buckminster June 19, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I shudder for the poor bairn.

TribecaMike June 19, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Mark my words, one of these days that poor wee bairn is gonna burn down a barn.

CheeseNPear June 19, 2012 at 11:52 pm

"Sarah Palin does NOT think it is appropriate to quit your job via text message!"

Well of COURSE not! The way you do that is to hold a surprise press conference without telling your publicist. DUH!

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 12:24 am

Or, as she put it, "passing the ball."

SayItWithWookies June 20, 2012 at 12:09 am

Hey, I just got out of the shower — did anything happen?

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 12:14 am

Nothing much really. Bristol's brother Track was caught vandalizing school buses again and was given the choice of prison or fighting Bugs on Klendathu with the Starship Troopers. Same old same old.

SayItWithWookies June 20, 2012 at 12:33 am

Oh that shit again. Prove to me some bug hundreds of lightyears away can aim its own poo at a city on earth and score a direct hit five minutes after it fires it off — anyway, it was military history as written by the William Westmoreland of science fiction — but I've said too much already.

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 1:10 am

Every Palin story has to have at least one mention of fascism.

Extemporanus June 20, 2012 at 1:43 am

Pam had a really fucked-up dream…

owhatever June 20, 2012 at 12:16 am

Ice Road Hooker.

mwittier June 20, 2012 at 12:21 am

" The brothers [Massey] also want a judge to shut down “Life’s a Tripp” as soon possible…"

I like this aspect of Frank and Joe Massey a lot. Please, can it be Judge Judy? And can she shut it down by showing up on location in her robes, carrying some sort of napalm sprayer? Those are a thing, right? RIGHT?

Warpde June 20, 2012 at 12:25 am

Damn you Diablo 3 !!!!!
*Shaking fists in smoke filled air*
Look at what you have done, AGAIN…!!!!!
Made me waste my time farming for gold and engaging in stoopid quests instead of watching someone else engaged in the same.
AGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

barto June 20, 2012 at 12:45 am

I think Bristol's going to be really big, I mean HUGE. I don't know, call it a hunch, but I've got a pretty good pachydar, nomesane? Gotta love her, there's gonna be lots to love!

DocChaos June 20, 2012 at 12:52 am

I'm ashamed to admit that I allow my daughters to watch the Kardashian shows and Toddlers with Tiaras, even as I tell them I can see them getting dumber for having done so, but even I am not so horrible a parent to allow them to watch this.

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 1:35 am

I was going to say the Kardashians is a show about how NOT to act, but sadly the family apparently just keeps getting rewarded for their stupidity instead of ever having their lives come crashing down around them. Even something as mind-numbingly stupid as marrying someone you barely know has the end result of even more fame and money.

DemmeFatale June 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Could be worse…
My daughter (22 yrs.) watches "Say Yes to the Dress."
(I can see the dollar signs ticking away in her eyes!)

NYNYNYjr June 20, 2012 at 1:38 am

I thought Bristol bought a rattlesnake ranch in Arizona? Or is that where she flies on the weekends after filming wraps? P.S. I would not mind a Palin girls, Kardashian girls hot tub make-up movie, when Willow is 18.

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 1:54 am

I think she sold it once she realized that a what temperature Alaska calls summer, Arizona calls winter. And what Arizona calls summer, Alaska calls OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ITS SO FUCKING HOT!!!

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 4:39 am

Like a crazy mixed-up reverse snowbird..

smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 4:39 am

Like a crazy mixed-up reverse snowbird.. Or some kind of right-wing pigeon from outer space.

billy_reuben June 20, 2012 at 7:58 am

Dead Milkmen, FTW

Sassomatic June 20, 2012 at 1:47 am

Oh, you came up with the brilliant idea of making a television show by following around a famous teen mom and vulgar house buyer while she lives her pathetic, banal, meaningless life as a national joke? I believe we here at Wonkette had this idea back in 2008.

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 1:54 am

We should definitely sue.

BarackMyWorld June 20, 2012 at 2:25 am
smokefilledroommate June 20, 2012 at 4:21 am

Ugh. I like her better in the gorilla costume.

DerrickWildcat June 20, 2012 at 4:26 am

I do that all the time and never got asked to be on TeeVee.

Fare la Volpe June 20, 2012 at 10:20 am

This is the greatest gif in the history of gifs.

TribecaMike June 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Bat Dance fail!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 20, 2012 at 5:36 am

Just knowing that this trash exists is almost as soul-crushing as watching it would be. How fucking empty does your mind have to be, for this worthless dreck to engage it?

randcoolcatdaddy June 20, 2012 at 6:02 am

In some alternate universe where Sarah Palin became President after the death of John McCain, this program didn't air because of the complete collapse of society after the Second Great Depression, the New Civil War, and the attempted coup of the New Confederacy by Andrew Brietbart.

I suppose it's a small price to pay for not living in that alternate universe.

Estproph June 20, 2012 at 9:19 am

You realize this is the prologue to Iron Sky, right?
http://www.ironsky.net/site/

ttommyunger June 20, 2012 at 6:54 am

Wanting to select an eye grabbing title for the Show, they decided to use name of a world-class cunt, but so many to choose from? I understand Jonah Goldberg's mom and Linda Tripp were the finalists, but what a tough choice. How did they do it, coin toss, perhaps?

Dildeaux June 20, 2012 at 7:58 am

I blame Obama.

Nostrildamus June 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Right on! If he wasn't so black, McCain would never have had to foist the Palins on us.

BlueStateLibel June 20, 2012 at 8:13 am

Are you happy now, John McCain, with what you have wrought on us?!?

chascates June 20, 2012 at 8:19 am

I'm beginning to agree with some of the Taliban's ideas after this.

EvilleMike June 20, 2012 at 8:25 am

Sorry – this show is so boring, I couldn't even finish reading the commentary about it.

mavenmaven June 20, 2012 at 8:35 am

I thought Lena Dunham was good, the rest of the cast was dull.

gurukalehuru June 20, 2012 at 8:41 am

Isn't this from like a year ago. September, 2011, in fact.

An_Outhouse June 20, 2012 at 8:41 am

Why would a young woman want to ride a mechanical bull in a gay bar, anyway?

Arkoday June 20, 2012 at 8:42 am

That bunch is simply ret…reta… retaliating against encroaching obscurity.

Estproph June 20, 2012 at 8:58 am

Immature, spoiled brats raising illegitimate children is no basis for a reality show. But they put Sarah Palin's Alaska on anyway…

thatsitfortheother1 June 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

I love the concept of a Palin reality show. I wanna see her geting baked and doing that NBA star. Maybe Todd's business partner, too also.

Doktor Zoom June 20, 2012 at 9:27 am

Hahahahaha! Suck it, you fools! You can't get at me! I don't have cable!

(For once, being a Poor has an advantage–I'm such a Lucky Ducky!)

Chichikovovich June 20, 2012 at 9:54 am

Not for long. Now that you're riding that Wonkette posting gravy train it's straight to megabucksland, baby! Say hi to the Koch brothers for me.

thatsitfortheother1 June 20, 2012 at 9:57 am

Being the Kings of Azzwipe, aren't they slightly misnamed?

Doktor Zoom June 20, 2012 at 10:42 am

It's so true. Becca told me she even pays more than Huffington Post!

starfanglednut June 20, 2012 at 9:48 am

Waaaaah! I don't have cable, and it's not on Pirate Bay.

*Sniff

actor212 June 20, 2012 at 9:52 am

I never, mom, knew, mom, that moms had it so, mom, hard raising a, mom, baby!

thatsitfortheother1 June 20, 2012 at 9:58 am

Hard to afford formula AND wine coolers…

DerrickWildcat June 20, 2012 at 10:09 am

"33"

thatsitfortheother1 June 20, 2012 at 10:17 am

I would appear that Ms Schönkopf is sleeping this off.

Chet Kincaid June 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

What? I was watching Mario Motherfuckin' Chalmers, so I missed this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiL8Hz4znIE

Chet Kincaid June 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

It just don't seem right, doin' this without Barb.

Nostrildamus June 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

From the Philadephia Inquirer: Ever since Bristol was put in the spotlight as unmarried and pregnant during the 2008 campaign, she's tried to build on her notoriety, for lack of a better word, by writing a book, competing on DWTS, and now doing the new reality show.

Corrected version: Ever since Bristol was put in the spotlight as unmarried and pregnant during the 2008 campaign, she's tried to build on her notoriety, for lack of a better word, by writing a book, for lack of a better word, competing, for lack of a better word, on DWTS, and now doing the new reality show, for lack of a better word .

Slim_Pickins June 20, 2012 at 12:47 pm

So, Bristol is your typical fifteen year old, so what.

LibertyLover June 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Just think, in 14 more years, this woman will be a grandma and Sarah Palin will be a great- grandma… and we might even have another reality show called: "Life's a Tripp" where Tripp is really in it.

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