bigger than jesus

Better Than The Bolshoi, Deeper Than Roots, It’s Bristol Palin’s Teevee Show Or Whatever

Mother's milkOMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS Bristol Palin’s reality show Life’s A Tripp is starting any second on Lifetime! The reviews have not been “the greatest” so far (lamestream media). Like this, from the Chicago Sun-Times!

What we’re left with are Bristol and Willow shopping, squabbling and engaging in vapid conversations. In other words, the Alaskan Kardashians.

And neither have the promos! They all show this, because apparently that is the only “exciting” thing that happened in the whole season.

Boy is this going to be SO GREAT.

9:55 PM – Oh here is your TMZ reading assignment: “Former Disney star Kyle Massey” (???) is suing person or persons unknown (but not Bristol) for cutting him out of the show, which he claims he came up with.

In the suit, filed today in federal court in L.A., the Massey brothers claim they met Bristol on “Dancing with the Stars” … and developed the idea for a show in which the brothers help Palin meet the challenges of child rearing while adjusting to life in L.A.

In fact, the Masseys claim they had even picked out a name for the show — “Bristol-ogy 101.”

But according to the suit, a producer named David McKenzie hijacked the project, cut the Masseys out of the show and repackaged the program as “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp” … which is set to premiere tonight on Lifetime.

The Masseys are demanding a ton of money — claiming they were guaranteed $500k to star in the show … PLUS they want even more cash for coming up with the idea. The brothers also want a judge to shut down “Life’s a Tripp” as soon possible.

Now that we are all up to speed, let us enjoy “Life’s A Tripp” while we can!

9:52 PM – Sorry, but “the Helen Keller solo” on Dance Moms is never not going to be funny.

10:04 PM – There is a girl with blue hair. This is going to be hard to figure out, we think. We have cracked the champagne because we are out of everything else. Bristol seems to be yakking about something, because opening credits.

10:06 PM – A baby is something that needs attention seven days a week. THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW YOU GUYS. “It’s really hard being a single mom.” ALSO GOOD TO KNOW.

10:09 PM — Sarah Palin’s reality show makeup is distractingly pink and pancakey. FROWNY FACE!

10:10 PM — “Being a single mom is the toughest job. Why won’t Willow come with me and raise my baby for me?”

10:11 PM – Oh right, there is an Adventure Arc, wherein Bristol (and au pair/slave Willow) move to Hollywood, you guys! It’s like the Odyssey, and stuff.

10:14 PM — We don’t know how to tell you this, but Sarah Palin just conveyed a pile of common sense. Sarah Palin does NOT think it is appropriate to quit your job via text message! And that is the last time we will ever agree with Sarah Palin.

10:16 PM — And we meet Gino. And within one minute we are slaughtered by the force of his terrible personality. And, we will just say it, EVEN BRISTOL PALIN does not deserve this total piece of awesome dude. We are sorry, Bristol. Run to LA! RUN! LA dudes are mostly horrible, but at least (apparently) they’re not fucking Alaska.

10:20 PM — Commercials! What do you think, Wonkette commenter AngerBear?

Balancing shopping, texting, snacking, occasionally glancing over at Torp, texting, quizzically poking at her chinplant, staring vacantly and texting must be such an ordeal for a young lady on a strict(ly unlimited) budget. How does she do it all? She is so brave.

10:26 PM — “Thank God Willow is here to be my au pair/slave so I can go out to the bull-riding bar because of how I am a teen mom who never gets to go out except all the times I go out.”

10:29 PM – Right so that just happened. “Your mom is evil. Your mom is a whore.” “Is it because you’re a homosexual?” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why these fuckers need to just secede already, and Abraham Lincoln should have let these bitches go. We are different peoples, we speak different languages, and some of us believe Jesus rode dinosaurs.

10:36 PM —
And Bristol is sad, and she is 21 years old, and you could see why that would be hard. But already she has learned the lesson about “curating” reality, so that the guy (who was terribly rude: that was rude; yes it was) only hates her mother “because she’s against gay marriage,” and Bristol is having trouble getting privacy because of “cameras and paparazzi” — that she herself has hired. And all of that goes unmentioned, and she seems to have no idea of the vile hatred her mother has specialized in throwing out, only that which has been flung back at her. And maybe we’re all like this, or were more like that at 21, and at least this is more interesting than a fucking strip-club-store shopping spree on Hollywood Boulevard.

10:48 PM – “I needed a break from all this drama, so I called my friend I starred in a TV show with.” So.

7:50 PM — And here comes our second bit of drama, per the NYT story linked above: Bristol has come down to LA to “work” (volunteer) with Help the Children. And she goes to Skid Row, and Skid Row is fucking serious you guys. In fact, Skid Row is a disgrace. And others are ragging on Bristol for not having gotten out of the car, and we are here to tell you: No. There is no reason Bristol Palin should have gotten out of the car on Sixth Street in downtown LA. You can suss it out from the inside of your vehicle. It is Nightmarelandia, and seeing it is enough to make an impression. And we promise that is true.

10:56 PM — Willow’s hair is a completely different color than the last scene. So what scene was filmed out of order for the producers? We will never know.

10:57 PM — “Do you realize that as a mom I will have to find a whole new slave if you leave? How is that fair to me, as a mom, not to have a slave at all times? Who is 17 and apparently unencumbered by school?” It’s almost over, dudes. Almost there.

11:03 PM — Man, Sarah Palin really does not want her 17-year-old daughter, Willow, to come home. Because she is the best mother in history. Also, her children love her a lot and don’t at all hang up on her for being a cow.

11:06 PM — Oh right, forgot about the baby. That is some Olympic-level guilt-tripping Bristol is laying down on her 17-year-old sister about how the baby (Bristol’s baby) has no one. Especially Bristol. These people all need to go to family counseling. Also, Willow needs to move to Austin and become a lesbian homosexual. And good for her for rejecting the awesome YOU MUST RAISE MY BABY her sister just laid down on her before she asked WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST HIRE SOMEONE OFF THE STREET? Yay, Willow has boundaries!

11:10 PM — Hooray, the perfect, golden Aryan baby is back! Hello, adorable! It is good to see you for the second minute in this hour-long show that bears your name. Sorry Bristol Palin is your mom.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Maman

    Because I don't like to see children abused, I will watch neither Dance Moms nor that Bristol claptrap, but like those Massey boys. I spent alot of years watching That's So Raven and Zoey 101

  2. Dudleydidwrong

    If this is the present equivalent of the Roman's "bread and circuses" I guess we know that the bread is pretty damn stale and moldy and the circus left only elephant shit under the tent.

    1. iburl


    2. rmjagg

      i like the original roman version … where they feed the lions … with christians …. like bristle

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        The Palin's aren't into titles man. Also too, Christian, is very generous of you.

    3. actor212

      If that's how she rides a bull, she needs to stay in Alaska where all she'll fuck are fumbling little hockey players and the gas station attendants they grow up to be. She'll never survive actual sex with a real man.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    My idea for a reality show: Bristol in a convent. How long before she gets knocked up by a visiting friar?

    1. Negropolis

      Forgive me lord, I read "visiting friar" as "fisting vicar." Damn you dirty mind and undiagnosed dyslexia.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Perhaps the original conception of the show also had Bristol moved from place to place by a Massey-Ferguson.

  4. TribecaMike

    This show hasn't even aired yet and the entire country has been sick of it for weeks.

    And Kyle Massey? That's So Bristol!

  5. iburl

    I don't plan on watching this!
    I also don't plan on rubbing my face violently with a lemon juice-soaked cheese grater!

    1. mwittier

      I giggled at this, really unappealingly, looked around or a second so I could pretend it was new, chortled some more, then repeated the process with increasing refractory periods until the humor was worn out (six times.)
      Now I'm going to go eat something and come back later and see if I can try again.
      Your comment will be all of Wonkette for me until it's utterly devoid of any enjoyment.
      I think I'm co-dependent. And apparently it is in my nature to behave like Peter Lorre with a secret Family Circle cartoon. Who knew.

  6. angerbear

    Balancing shopping, texting, snacking, occasionally glancing over at Torp, texting, quizzically poking at her chinplant, staring vacantly and texting must be such an ordeal for a young lady on a strict(ly unlimited) budget. How does she do it all? She is so brave.

  7. Chichikovovich

    In fact, the Masseys claim they had even picked out a name for the show — “Bristol-ogy 101.

    If you had challenged me to come up with a crappier and less appealing name than "Life's A Tripp" for this contribution to the broadcast arts, I wouldn't have been able to. But these young go-getters, the Massey lads, succeeded where I would have failed. I forecast great things in their futures.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      The Palin's don't believe in 101, it's all post-secondary educationay and whatnot.

    1. Gunner Asch

      Thanks for going back to your old avatar. It's a good-un. My 6 year old granddaughter was reading over my shoulder a few months ago and asked if the kittyshark was real. Being nicer than Calvin's dad, I told the truth (it is real, isn't it?)

    1. q_tion_evrythng

      "and then you have another baby." Brisdull's been there, done that. Why do you think she was over-Spanxed and did not lose weight while on DWTS?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    When they do the follow-up, after this does the epic fail and she returns to Alaska in ratings shame, they can call it “Bristol-orgy 101.”

  9. finallyhappy

    oh,I am watching Serenity on Cloo- I am too lazy to put on the DvD- and yet a movie I have seen 10 times- seeing it on regular TV is better than Bristol trash

    1. fuflans

      well jesus christ man it's joss whedan. what? is consistent viewing of good shit going to add some kind of equivalency to the drek that is reality TV?

      i don't think so.

  10. flamingpdog

    Reality shows, reality shows! How about reviving some good ol' classic Teevee, like starring Bristle, Pillow, and Viper in "The Return to Petticoat Junction". I don't know about the shopping part, but it would certainly take care of the squabbling and engaging in vapid conversations part.

    Oh, and another idea for reviving classic (= dimbulb) TeeVee with a modern twist: "My Mother the Kardashian".

    1. new_pic_for_NEWTer

      fpd, if I may call you that, you my friend are an idea man, the likes of which the industry hasn't seen since maybe that one episode of the Flintstones. If I could give you all of my p-ness, I would.

    2. northernbassist

      Remember the MMTC theme song?

      A grifting, certified wingnut,
      That's my mother dear.
      She puts her Choos,
      In everything I do,
      And I'm too young for beer….

    1. flamingpdog

      I dunno, but I'm sure glad I stopped at the beer store on the way home from work and bought a case of beer before sitting down to the computer to read this blog post.

  11. CapnRadio

    It should come as no surprise that Bristology is easy; it's the damned †rigonometry that'll get ya.

  12. littlebigdaddy

    The NYT review was devastating in an understated way. They drive Titties to Skid Row in LA, and she says that she has heard of it but not sure what it is.

  13. bumfug

    I'd rather watch the old guy and the kid fight over mashed potatoes and gravy or mac and cheese.

  14. TribecaMike

    Wherever they go, Palinses always leave a trail of hangers-on, total nobodies, has-beens, and never-weres in their wake. Yup, California is the place to be.

  15. JackObin

    From "The Young People's Guide to the Orchestra " to Bristol Palin in less than 50 years. Yeah, I think we can say this nation has regressed.

  16. TribecaMike

    People are being awfully harsh. Granted, Bristol recreating River Phoenix's OD in front of The Viper Room was a bit misguided, but that's what happens when you hire the writers of Fox's Red Eye to script your reality show.

  17. Negropolis

    Oh, god. They just made her a martyr.

    Rename this thing "Beverly Snowbillies" and call it a day. No one has lost any.

    1. Iam_Who_Iam

      Yea! Bonus points for the "No one has lost any" reference!

      I love it when my many wasted hours reading Wonkette comments pays off with a good memorable chuckle.

  18. Chichikovovich

    It’s like the Odyssey, and stuff.

    Except that they apparently had the run-in with Circe before the trip began.

        1. Chichikovovich

          You understood me right. [Amazing, really – like a psychic connection. Perhaps we were Siamese twins in a past life.]

          The learnèd Shakespearean actress fuflans was just pointing out that I could also have been calling them drunkards or adulterers, since Odysseus and the Odysseyoids got into more degradation than mere swinery in their time with Circe.

          1. bobbert

            I'm a little late to get back to this, and must confess to having no proper comprehension of Greek, but I was quite amazed when I ran it through google translate (even though the last word was a pretty broad hint).

            I conclude that there are people at Google who are doing the same thing that I assume is happening at the Siri department of Apple: out-guessing their customers.

            I mean, turning "Κέιτι" into "Katie" didn't happen by accident.

            Actually, I could also believe an expert system, but somebody still has to instruct it.

  19. LetUsBray

    Willow is 17, yes? So I'm sure the show at least mentions her transferring into a local high school, hitting the books, sweating her SATs, and lining up her college applications, right?


  20. rocktonsam

    so weed and prostitution are legal in Alaska now, too.

    isn't BPalin living at home?

    Mama Grizzle gots more roomz that need TeeVeez and drivewAYS THAT NEED SUv's and they ain't going to pay for themselves. Its for Merkia and Reagun and stuff,

  21. Steverino247

    Roger Waters needs to update his act as there's now 1300 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.

  22. Guppy

    “Being a single mom is the toughest job. Why won’t Willow come with me and raise my baby for me?”

    Without naming names, I believe I've noticed a trend through life, where the women irresponsible enough to have a surprise pregnancy also tend to be the ones irresponsible enough to try to foist their kids on just about anybody else in their life (immediate family and/or close friends seem to be popular targets).

    Some get better, others not so much.

    1. Maman

      Makes me feel like an idiot for being married with a house in graduate school and working with a husband out of town all week while I was raising toddlers

  23. TribecaMike

    I ain't watching that crap, but has she healed anyone yet, or at least flashed her fake boobies at a hunky carhop?

    1. Negropolis

      That chick is so wrecked the babies probably walk out of her of their own volition, now.

  24. StealthMuslin

    I would like to thank Your Editrix for throwing herself on this fragmentation grenade of Stupid in order to save the rest of the platoon.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      There was “Dancing With the Stars” to compete in and the covers of magazines to appear on and a memoir to publish (which the young Palin claims was a bestseller; 15,000 copies sold so far, according to Nielsen BookScan) about the struggles of a young, single mom.

      Awww, snap!

    2. Negropolis

      we keep hearing about the painful glare of media attention that snapped on nearly four years ago when her ­values-preaching mother, Sarah Palin, ran for vice president on the Republican ticket just at the time a teenage Bristol was pregnant with a son. That glare never ended, mostly because Bristol keeps reaching to turn the switch back on.

      Shit just got real.

      Her intent is to volunteer at a religious-based charity called Help the Children. When she gets there, a worker gives her a Help the Children polo shirt and takes her on a tour of L.A.’s skid row, where Palin makes a lethargic attempt to appear even remotely interested. The charity work being done here is bizarrely inverse, in which a needy child of our political culture wars is helped by Help the Children to get airtime.


      There is the furnished Beverly Hills mansion, redolent in its “Bachelorette” and Simpson-Lachey decor, smelling faintly of failed enterprises, pool chlorine and compromised souls.

      Damn. Every single line of this snarky review is comedy gold.

      Even if you have a lasting grudge against all things Palin, there’s no payoff here. It’s a new low for anyone who makes the mistake of watching.

      Okay, now, Mr. Stuever, I will not have you impugning my character and judging my choices. I will have you know that I was watching this ironically, Hank.

  25. Extemporanus


    In the season finale, it will be revealed that the events of the past four years were actually all in Tríg Palin's imagination.

    1. actor212

      He wakes up in a shower and finds Bobby next to him?

      Or is this a St Elsewhere ending, with the retread who dreamed the entire series up?

  26. smokefilledroommate

    Lifetime: The Sad Disempowered Woman Channel….
    And when you're newly fame-rich, like any Palin, you get your own reality show espousing the travails of single motherhood to a probable audience of actual single mothers on food stamps. There is no education in this, just sadness and longing for the serious viewer. Way to go, Barftime! We don't need a misogynist channel as long as you're in the lineup!

    1. DerrickWildcat

      "She Said No!"
      "Where my Daughter?!"
      "No One Could Hear her Screams."
      "The New Neighbor Kid is Staring at my Daughter!"
      "Nobody Knows That I Have That One Really Bad Disease."
      "Secret Lives, Secret Wives."

      1. actor212

        In the 60s (maybe it was a little later) a group of newspaper reporters were sitting in a bar, smashed, and came up with the idea of writing the worst fucking novel ever and trying to sell it. Thus was born Naked Came The Stranger.

        I am completely convinced McGrady has a job at Lifetime TV

        1. Doktor Zoom

          There was a retread of the idea a few years ago, only the joke was open and the participants all Florida writers, Carl Hiassen, Elmore Leonard, and Dave Barry among them. The result was 1996's Naked Came the Manatee, available wherever remaindered bestsellers are sold.

  27. DerrickWildcat

    You guys just don't get it! This show is just showing how normal, down to earth and all-American Bristol is! This is a recipe for truly scintillating television!

  28. Antispandex

    Any way at all that Bristol can wind up pregnant again, and then maybe a TeeVee wedding, and the Mom of the bride could be real bitchy, but in a sweet endearing way? Oh, and she could be a real cranky bride, and uncomfortable, and also bitchy, because none of that has ever been done on the tube either!

  29. LandonNBR

    Wow… I just…. I can't….. ahhhhhh!!!! I'd call Bristol a redneck, but redneck mommas are better moms than that. I know, live around rednecks! WTF?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhh!

    But… Go Willow! Put your foot down girl!

  30. TribecaMike

    According to imdb, one of the executive producers is currently filming "Marie!" starring Marie Osmond (as Marie! natch), "an inspirational journey to help people make a difference in their own lives."

    I hope no naive viewer gets the shows confused and loses themselves in an parallel Lovecraftian universe from which there is no escape. On second thought, I'd watch that.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Help people "make a difference in their own lives"? How fucking hard is that?
      "I've fallen onto the couch in front of the teevee, and I can't get up."

  31. CapnRadio

    7:50 PM — And here comes our second bit of drama, per the NYT story linked above

    Rebecca, I do believe that you've PST yourself.

  32. StarsUponThars

    Born into this
    Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
    Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
    Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
    Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
    Born into this

    — Charles Bukowski

  33. TribecaMike

    Thanks Rebecca for your noble sacrifice. Sounds like the show will need more buffy-headed marmosets before I'll tune in. Like, a lot more buffy-headed marmosets.

  34. poorgradstudent

    I'm impressed. I thought Sarah Palin's attention-whoring powers would have caused her to fly down and take up 99.99% of the screentime. I guess they kept her in line by upping her meth dosage…?

  35. BarackMyWorld

    In the suit, filed today in federal court in L.A., the Massey brothers claim they met Bristol on “Dancing with the Stars” … and developed the idea for a show in which the brothers help Palin meet the challenges of child rearing while adjusting to life in L.A.


    That'd be like a porn actress trying to trademark fucking on film.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "in which the brothers help Palin meet the challenges of child rearing while adjusting to life in L.A."

      Well, that's not what's on the show, is it, boys?

  36. CheeseNPear

    "Sarah Palin does NOT think it is appropriate to quit your job via text message!"

    Well of COURSE not! The way you do that is to hold a surprise press conference without telling your publicist. DUH!

    1. TribecaMike

      Nothing much really. Bristol's brother Track was caught vandalizing school buses again and was given the choice of prison or fighting Bugs on Klendathu with the Starship Troopers. Same old same old.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oh that shit again. Prove to me some bug hundreds of lightyears away can aim its own poo at a city on earth and score a direct hit five minutes after it fires it off — anyway, it was military history as written by the William Westmoreland of science fiction — but I've said too much already.

  37. mwittier

    " The brothers [Massey] also want a judge to shut down “Life’s a Tripp” as soon possible…"

    I like this aspect of Frank and Joe Massey a lot. Please, can it be Judge Judy? And can she shut it down by showing up on location in her robes, carrying some sort of napalm sprayer? Those are a thing, right? RIGHT?

  38. Warpde

    Damn you Diablo 3 !!!!!
    *Shaking fists in smoke filled air*
    Look at what you have done, AGAIN…!!!!!
    Made me waste my time farming for gold and engaging in stoopid quests instead of watching someone else engaged in the same.

  39. barto

    I think Bristol's going to be really big, I mean HUGE. I don't know, call it a hunch, but I've got a pretty good pachydar, nomesane? Gotta love her, there's gonna be lots to love!

  40. DocChaos

    I'm ashamed to admit that I allow my daughters to watch the Kardashian shows and Toddlers with Tiaras, even as I tell them I can see them getting dumber for having done so, but even I am not so horrible a parent to allow them to watch this.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I was going to say the Kardashians is a show about how NOT to act, but sadly the family apparently just keeps getting rewarded for their stupidity instead of ever having their lives come crashing down around them. Even something as mind-numbingly stupid as marrying someone you barely know has the end result of even more fame and money.

  41. NYNYNYjr

    I thought Bristol bought a rattlesnake ranch in Arizona? Or is that where she flies on the weekends after filming wraps? P.S. I would not mind a Palin girls, Kardashian girls hot tub make-up movie, when Willow is 18.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I think she sold it once she realized that a what temperature Alaska calls summer, Arizona calls winter. And what Arizona calls summer, Alaska calls OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ITS SO FUCKING HOT!!!

  42. Sassomatic

    Oh, you came up with the brilliant idea of making a television show by following around a famous teen mom and vulgar house buyer while she lives her pathetic, banal, meaningless life as a national joke? I believe we here at Wonkette had this idea back in 2008.

  43. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Just knowing that this trash exists is almost as soul-crushing as watching it would be. How fucking empty does your mind have to be, for this worthless dreck to engage it?

  44. randcoolcatdaddy

    In some alternate universe where Sarah Palin became President after the death of John McCain, this program didn't air because of the complete collapse of society after the Second Great Depression, the New Civil War, and the attempted coup of the New Confederacy by Andrew Brietbart.

    I suppose it's a small price to pay for not living in that alternate universe.

  45. ttommyunger

    Wanting to select an eye grabbing title for the Show, they decided to use name of a world-class cunt, but so many to choose from? I understand Jonah Goldberg's mom and Linda Tripp were the finalists, but what a tough choice. How did they do it, coin toss, perhaps?

    1. Nostrildamus

      Right on! If he wasn't so black, McCain would never have had to foist the Palins on us.

  46. Estproph

    Immature, spoiled brats raising illegitimate children is no basis for a reality show. But they put Sarah Palin's Alaska on anyway…

  47. thatsitfortheother1

    I love the concept of a Palin reality show. I wanna see her geting baked and doing that NBA star. Maybe Todd's business partner, too also.

  48. Doktor Zoom

    Hahahahaha! Suck it, you fools! You can't get at me! I don't have cable!

    (For once, being a Poor has an advantage–I'm such a Lucky Ducky!)

    1. Chichikovovich

      Not for long. Now that you're riding that Wonkette posting gravy train it's straight to megabucksland, baby! Say hi to the Koch brothers for me.

  49. Nostrildamus

    From the Philadephia Inquirer: Ever since Bristol was put in the spotlight as unmarried and pregnant during the 2008 campaign, she's tried to build on her notoriety, for lack of a better word, by writing a book, competing on DWTS, and now doing the new reality show.

    Corrected version: Ever since Bristol was put in the spotlight as unmarried and pregnant during the 2008 campaign, she's tried to build on her notoriety, for lack of a better word, by writing a book, for lack of a better word, competing, for lack of a better word, on DWTS, and now doing the new reality show, for lack of a better word .

  50. LibertyLover

    Just think, in 14 more years, this woman will be a grandma and Sarah Palin will be a great- grandma… and we might even have another reality show called: "Life's a Tripp" where Tripp is really in it.

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