the end of america

Half-Term First Dude Todd Palin Will Be America’s Newest Reality Star Now, Because

Greta Van Susteren has a lady boner for this.So! Got any exciting TV-watching plans now that “Mad Men” is back on its usual two-year hiatus? Oh, you are going to watch “Stars Earn Stripes,” because that is a thing, and it is going to be hosted by terrifying unblinking robot General Wesley Clark along with “‘Entertainment Tonight’ and ‘Dancing with the Stars’ alum Samantha Harris”? Good, good. Sounds reasonable. And it’ll be “reality” “stars” teaming up with tough (and presumably hot) military men and ladies to do, like, missions? Hmmm. Who’s gonna be on it? “[B]oxing royalty Laila Ali, actor Dean Cain, former NFL player Terry Crews, singer Nick Lachey Olympic gold medalist Picabo Street, NBC’s ‘The Biggest Loser’ trainer Dolvett Quince, and WWE star Eve Torres.” We don’t know what any of those words mean. Not sure we’re thrilled with this television choice so far, America. Is there anything that could make us watch this?

Sarah Palin husband Todd is among those competing in NBC’s new reality series “Stars Earns Stripes,” the network has revealed Tuesday.

Right, so: no.

Now, we remember back to the heady days of the 2008 Republican convention, when all of a sudden the announcement of snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin as John McCain’s special naughty princess caught all of America by surprise — all of America except readers of Your Wonket, of course, who were the only people who had ever heard of her, because of how she was a GILF.

And we remember people like Andrew Sullivan (maybe we are just confusing Sullivan with Greta Van Susteren?) thinking Todd Palin was a pretty studly “first dude” with his Oakley wrap-around sunglasses and his phlegmatic monosyllabicity. (That is, he stood around doing an impression of a tree stump like a dumb fucking cunt.)

Yeah, we didn’t get it either. And now we can continue to not get it, together, when this scintillating bit of red-blooded American Television Programming (from Mark Burnett!) debuts in August with the half-term first dude (half-dude?) attached. Presumably Bristol Palin’s reality television program, “Life’s A Tripp,” will have been canceled by Lifetime by then and Willow’s “Sixteen And Pregnant” will have taken its place, or maybe we’ll get the oldest one, Trepann, on “Celebrity Rehab.”


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      With no teevee, I got no such problem. In fact, were it not for Wonkette, I'd never have to know that this pathetic clan of grifters still exists.

  1. Oblios_Cap

    (That is, he stood around doing an impression of a tree stump like a dumb fucking cunt.)

    You, ma'am, have a way with words.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Apparently, having the U.S.S.R. around was good for us. Who would have guessed.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      At least there's been nothing on tonight's premiere of Bristle's new TV show, at least not so far…

      1. Veritas78

        Wait, is this connected to Brisket's new show? I think they're related.

        I've been getting this urge for a HefferOnaHoof sammich, which sumbitch needs to make me. Does Becca do take out, or is she eat-in only?

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I woke up and Wonkette was getting out of the shower. And it was odd because I felt like I had lived a previous season, er, I mean year.

  2. Eve8Apples

    Remember when Elvis Presley shot his television set with a handgun? I now understand exactly how he felt and what he was thinking.

    1. Biff

      If I had to look at Robert Goulet on the teevee, I'd prolly shoot it too. But when he shot that poor innocent De Tomaso Pantera, he had gone too far…

    1. LionHeartSoyDog

      I don't "get" 90% of the "cultural" references i see around these days, and am better off for it, but that was funny.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I've no idea what the fuck that was, but it sure as hell had nothing to do with culture.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            I'm pleased to say that the name fails to bring any thoughts to mind, and I hope it stays that way.

            I'm forever pissed off that Griftzilla and her trashy brood have hijacked neural connections in my brain that I'm sure I could be putting to better use. It's like knowing about the Kardtrashians – worthless information that's annoying as hell to have in your head, but there's no way to un-know it.

          2. sullivanst

            I believe he had a brief manufactured pop career, but was more famous for having a reality show while married to some other manufactured pop star or something. Which is why basically the only thing that comes to mind when I hear his name is seeing that clip on The Soup.

            You could always leverage those Griftzilla from Wasilla neurons for reminding yourself and others that there is a Dominionist plot to transform the country into a theocratic hellhole. That's largely what I do with her.

  3. SorosBot

    Will the networks ever get the message that everybody is fucking sick of these annoying famewhores already?

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    And after they earn their stripes, hopefully they will get deployed to Helmand Province in SW Afghanistan, so they can contend with IEDs and rocket attacks and Taliban ambushes and getting their legs blown off.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Shooting at the Stars" just might have some genuine appeal. I say they should go for it.

  5. noodlesalad

    Right wing nut jobs pretending to be in the military but not actually doing any of the hard work? Didn't we already get extensive media coverage of the Bush administration?

  6. SexySmurf

    Now that his daughter is on Lifetime, Todd is hoping to guest star on The Client List.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    If you're going to saddle your kid for life with an oddball name like Peek-a-boo, you should at least have the decency to spell it correctly.

  8. Ducksworthy

    OK. Stars win Stripes huh? Sounds good. I'd pay to see Toad flogged bloody with a cat'o nine tails. Is that what this is?

  9. elviouslyqueer

    Presumably Bristol Palin’s reality television program, “Life’s A Tripp,” will have been canceled by Lifetime by then

    What, in August? Oh, I'm thinking July 1, at the latest.

  10. actor212

    So Bristol is failing in her show that hasn't even started yet (one critic wondered why the show was even on the air), and Todd has to swoop in and prove he's an abject failure at everything except cheating on his wife?

    Wow! I have to call FOX! I just came up with a new reality show, one Todd is guaranteed to win!

    1. mrpuma2u

      Sadly this bullshite IS their real jobs, and the only kind of work they're fit for. These schmendriks wouldn't even make good ditch diggers.

    1. PhilippePetain

      In the future, you'll know the idiots by their constant conversations about television shows.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    So this "Stars Earn Stripes" thing — is this where half-assed nobodies go to pretend they're warriors instead of actually doing hard work and risking their lives? No wait — that's the Texas Air Guard — sorry.

  12. MumbletyRadio

    Stars Earn Stripes

    Wesley Clark and Todd Palin should consider swapping roles. One is a decorated veteran who's aging well and manifests a disarming appeal (sorry to disagree w/ you Becca). The other is a veteran of a marriage to an overdecorated harpy with smarm appeal.

    1. ttommyunger

      Speaking as an undecorated veteran, I can only say that Wesley seems to be an ass-kissing panderer second only to David Petraeus, but with more illusions of grandeur, if that's possible.

  13. Not_So_Much

    I'm in if we get to call in on a pay number and suggest graphic training accidents we'd like to see.

      1. Not_So_Much

        That. Or, just have them reenact the 'soap in a sock' scene from "Full Metal Jacket" and beat him until he cries and cries and cries.

  14. CthuNHu

    You win a trip to Afghanistan! You win a trip to Afghanistan! You win a trip to Afghanistan! You win a trip to Afghanistan!

    You ALL win a trip to Afghanistan!

  15. MumbletyRadio

    I am, to be honest, wishing Sarah and Todd's next pregnancy to be conjoined twins, because I do not think Hollywood alone will yield enough dreck fodder for them to exploit like they seem so shamelessly bent on doing until the glaciers melt and the salmon run away on malformed mutant legs. Alaska, I am so sorry.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      It would be inspiring to watch Sarah take care of her two little ones, Gee and Haw. And then there would be the third one, the real special needs child, that Sarah would advocate for, right up until they told her it was the placenta.

  16. randcoolcatdaddy

    If a reality show on NBC that will likely last all of three weeks on NBC is the best he can do, Todd needs a better agent. He's slightly more popular than bubonic plague, so he could easily get a guest shot on the WCW.

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    TV is a vast cultural wasteland. No wonder the Palin's feel so at home there.

  18. mavenmaven

    I've begun to entertain the Kurt Vonnegut style delusion that all of the world and all of us are now part of some kind of big reality show starring the Palins.

  19. EatsBabyDingos

    If it were "Life's a Chumbucket," well, I already filled it just thinking about our old Chum.

    1. Extemporanus

      Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho/Todd Mitchell Ski-doo Mukluk Bawls Palin 2012!!1

  20. PubOption

    Trepanning the Palins might make a good reality show, although it would be hard to distinguish the noise of the drill from Sarah's voice.

    1. Truantly_Joe

      Also, modern trepanation is typically used to relieve intracranial pressure. I don't believe there's any medical literature supporting its use to relieve intracranial vacuum.

      1. ThundercatHo

        I was gonna say it would be like Geraldo opening Capone's vault but yours is better.

  21. Monsieur_Grumpe

    The Palins are kind of like a bad case of crabs… wait, no, they're exactly like a bad case of crabs.

      1. bikerlaureate

        I have to forget your enviable cleverness before "The Deadliest Catch" is on next, so I'm not all ambivalent n' stuff.

    1. YouBetcha

      Really. Try the Wasila Publick Highs Scool. Don't worry, even the 10th graders are over the age of majority. Bonus points if you play hockey and drive a truck.

  22. niblick77

    Truly, are we that deficient in the available pseudo stars that we have to resort to Todd2.0?

  23. SmutBoffin

    Hi, I am starting a Kickstarter thingy to build a Doomsday Device. It will be activated in the event that this show's premiere tops the ratings.

    Tell me, what kind of Worldwide Extinction-Level Event [TM] do you prefer?

    1) Robopocalypse
    2) something with lasers
    3) pole-shift
    4) Alabamification

  24. VespulaMaculata

    Clearly, television programmers are not going to stop until they raise angry zombie Brandon Tartikoff and he destroys the Earth.

  25. An_Outhouse

    Stars earn Stripes could be anything. I'm picturing the Big Dipper competing with U'r-Anus to see who can be the new Tony the Tiger.

  26. TribecaMike

    So that explains why none of the late-night talk show monologue writers bothered coming to work today. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

  27. DemonicRage

    This is just a trial balloon. Plans are for him to be either a vampire or a werewolf on next year's season of "True Blood," and yes, there will be nudity.

  28. Jus_Wonderin

    Ain't it a shame the Palins aren't polygamists. Just think of all the reality shows they could be on………………………………(?)

  29. Jus_Wonderin

    "‘Dancing with the Stars’ alum Samantha Harris"

    Actually, I love her. Cheryl Burke Charvet is….horrible.

  30. owhatever

    On the next episode of the Darwin Awards, tune in to watch Todd Palin try and recite the entire alphabet while jerking off behind a bush.

    1. CthuNHu

      "Aaaaahh!! A B! A B! Aaaaaahhh!!"

      "That is correct so far, Todd. Keep going."

      "C D B? D B S N D P P!! Aaaaahh!!"

      "That is incorrect. Also, please stop thrashing about."

  31. Jus_Wonderin

    Hey Todd, if this doesn't work out, I hear they need corspe models on the plethora of CSIs, the twin NCISs, and Bones. Hell bring back that old lady who lurks in Cabot Cove and digs up a murder a week for 8 seasons…surely she needs some lifeless lumps to kick off an episode or two.

  32. Truantly_Joe

    Sarah Palin husband Todd is among those competing in NBC’s new reality series “Stars Earns Stripes,” the network has revealed Tuesday.

    "Competing"? Don't you think that's a bit of a generous assessment? I mean, I refuse to even read about this show in further detail, but I assume "talent" will somehow be involved?

  33. Butch_Wagstaff

    I can't believe no Wonker has asked the question yet. But is that pic of Todd & Bristol at the purity ball?

  34. chascates

    If the military is going to start doing reality shows we can cut the shit out of the pentagon budget.

  35. lochnessmonster

    Flog me for tweeting this…but on the other hand it is Wonkette publicity so it's not all bad!

  36. rocktonsam

    "Our family is soooooooo glad Todd wewe'd up got his own grifting gig."

    – $arah Palin

  37. ttommyunger

    Understanding they are having a hard time keep a partner for Toad. Something about the smell of sled dogs, seal blubber and Sarah stank.

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