the end of america

Half-Term First Dude Todd Palin Will Be America’s Newest Reality Star Now, Because

Greta Van Susteren has a lady boner for this.So! Got any exciting TV-watching plans now that “Mad Men” is back on its usual two-year hiatus? Oh, you are going to watch “Stars Earn Stripes,” because that is a thing, and it is going to be hosted by terrifying unblinking robot General Wesley Clark along with “‘Entertainment Tonight’ and ‘Dancing with the Stars’ alum Samantha Harris”? Good, good. Sounds reasonable. And it’ll be “reality” “stars” teaming up with tough (and presumably hot) military men and ladies to do, like, missions? Hmmm. Who’s gonna be on it? “[B]oxing royalty Laila Ali, actor Dean Cain, former NFL player Terry Crews, singer Nick Lachey Olympic gold medalist Picabo Street, NBC’s ‘The Biggest Loser’ trainer Dolvett Quince, and WWE star Eve Torres.” We don’t know what any of those words mean. Not sure we’re thrilled with this television choice so far, America. Is there anything that could make us watch this?

Sarah Palin husband Todd is among those competing in NBC’s new reality series “Stars Earns Stripes,” the network has revealed Tuesday.

Right, so: no.

Now, we remember back to the heady days of the 2008 Republican convention, when all of a sudden the announcement of snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin as John McCain’s special naughty princess caught all of America by surprise — all of America except readers of Your Wonket, of course, who were the only people who had ever heard of her, because of how she was a GILF.

And we remember people like Andrew Sullivan (maybe we are just confusing Sullivan with Greta Van Susteren?) thinking Todd Palin was a pretty studly “first dude” with his Oakley wrap-around sunglasses and his phlegmatic monosyllabicity. (That is, he stood around doing an impression of a tree stump like a dumb fucking cunt.)

Yeah, we didn’t get it either. And now we can continue to not get it, together, when this scintillating bit of red-blooded American Television Programming (from Mark Burnett!) debuts in August with the half-term first dude (half-dude?) attached. Presumably Bristol Palin’s reality television program, “Life’s A Tripp,” will have been canceled by Lifetime by then and Willow’s “Sixteen And Pregnant” will have taken its place, or maybe we’ll get the oldest one, Trepann, on “Celebrity Rehab.”

[WaPo]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • banana_bread

    Wow, now I wish I could cancel network TV the way I'm canceling cable.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You could always "Keith Moon" your television set.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, you could always switch to one of the HD channels…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      With no teevee, I got no such problem. In fact, were it not for Wonkette, I'd never have to know that this pathetic clan of grifters still exists.

  • Oblios_Cap

    (That is, he stood around doing an impression of a tree stump like a dumb fucking cunt.)

    You, ma'am, have a way with words.

    • Tommy1733

      Also I like: "special naughty princess".

  • ChernobylSoup

    How the did America remain a superpower so long?

    • nounverb911

      Halliburton?

    • An_Outhouse

      dumb luck?

    • glamourdammerung

      Apparently, having the U.S.S.R. around was good for us. Who would have guessed.

    • Negropolis

      Sheer force of will and/or serendipity.

  • Tommmcattt

    Useless tool finds use in the ancient art of dance!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      What should I do with this adze?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Hey, I could use that to trim this left-handed smoke shifter…

      • kissawookiee

        Save it for the triple word score space?

    • Nostrildamus
  • nounverb911

    I thought Wonkette had a moratorium on the Palins?

    • ChernobylSoup

      Quit halfway through.

      • Crank_Tango

        Too soon!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      At least there's been nothing on tonight's premiere of Bristle's new TV show, at least not so far…

      • Veritas78

        Wait, is this connected to Brisket's new show? I think they're related.

        I've been getting this urge for a HefferOnaHoof sammich, which sumbitch needs to make me. Does Becca do take out, or is she eat-in only?

    • Tommmcattt

      That was just a sweet, sweet dream we all had.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I woke up and Wonkette was getting out of the shower. And it was odd because I felt like I had lived a previous season, er, I mean year.

    • Negropolis

      That was in place before our new overlord took over.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Mark Burnett just finished production on my post-breakfast dump.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    “Stars Earns Stripes,"

    How can only 3 words have about 47 things wrong with them?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Amercian axceptionalism!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyRadio

      "Some Gave All." — Koan master Billy Ray Cyrus

      • Chichikovovich

        Many Gave Every.
        Any Gave Each.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Each Gave One.

          • bobbert

            None Gave A

          • Negropolis

            T

    • Tommy1733

      I assume the stripes are whippings?

      • bikerlaureate

        I'd buy that for a dollar.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        (Best Hedley Lamarr voice) Kinky!

  • Eve8Apples

    Remember when Elvis Presley shot his television set with a handgun? I now understand exactly how he felt and what he was thinking.

    • Biff

      If I had to look at Robert Goulet on the teevee, I'd prolly shoot it too. But when he shot that poor innocent De Tomaso Pantera, he had gone too far…

      • Generation[redacted]

        That Pantera was far from innocent.

  • coolhandnuke

    I'll tune in if they cast dead Breitbert in the John Candy role.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Couldn't we have it the other way around? Breitbart exhausted his quota of appearances on my TV. I blame Keith Olbermann.

  • Boojum

    Trepan and the newest addition, Chisel.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Soon to arrive: Drilll

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        More likely to be Driil

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Baby Drill"? Lots and lots of potential with that one.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          That's his stripper name.

  • sullivanst
    • LionHeartSoyDog

      I don't "get" 90% of the "cultural" references i see around these days, and am better off for it, but that was funny.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I've no idea what the fuck that was, but it sure as hell had nothing to do with culture.

        • sullivanst

          That was what I always think of when I hear the name Nick Lachey.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I'm pleased to say that the name fails to bring any thoughts to mind, and I hope it stays that way.

            I'm forever pissed off that Griftzilla and her trashy brood have hijacked neural connections in my brain that I'm sure I could be putting to better use. It's like knowing about the Kardtrashians – worthless information that's annoying as hell to have in your head, but there's no way to un-know it.

          • sullivanst

            I believe he had a brief manufactured pop career, but was more famous for having a reality show while married to some other manufactured pop star or something. Which is why basically the only thing that comes to mind when I hear his name is seeing that clip on The Soup.

            You could always leverage those Griftzilla from Wasilla neurons for reminding yourself and others that there is a Dominionist plot to transform the country into a theocratic hellhole. That's largely what I do with her.

  • nounverb911

    It's on NBC? No ones watches them any way.

  • SorosBot

    Will the networks ever get the message that everybody is fucking sick of these annoying famewhores already?

  • TribecaMike

    Co-hosted by General Wesley Clark (ret.), heh? No wonder we lost the Vietnam War.

    • emmelemm

      Zing.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And after they earn their stripes, hopefully they will get deployed to Helmand Province in SW Afghanistan, so they can contend with IEDs and rocket attacks and Taliban ambushes and getting their legs blown off.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Shooting at the Stars" just might have some genuine appeal. I say they should go for it.

  • YouBetcha

    There are better places to pick up women, Todd.

  • Schmannnity

    Please. What is it going to take, a wooden stake or six silver bullets?

    • nounverb911

      All of them, Katie.

  • noodlesalad

    Right wing nut jobs pretending to be in the military but not actually doing any of the hard work? Didn't we already get extensive media coverage of the Bush administration?

  • SexySmurf

    Now that his daughter is on Lifetime, Todd is hoping to guest star on The Client List.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Aw…
    I was hoping for a "Real Housewives/Husbands of Wasilla!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If you're going to saddle your kid for life with an oddball name like Peek-a-boo, you should at least have the decency to spell it correctly.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Could you imagine if she lesbomarried Piper Perabo?

  • Ducksworthy

    OK. Stars win Stripes huh? Sounds good. I'd pay to see Toad flogged bloody with a cat'o nine tails. Is that what this is?

    • Crank_Tango

      I think it's prison stripes.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      We can always hope.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Presumably Bristol Palin’s reality television program, “Life’s A Tripp,” will have been canceled by Lifetime by then

    What, in August? Oh, I'm thinking July 1, at the latest.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      When I first saw that, I thought, "Linda Tripp." Weird.

      • Crank_Tango

        And now I am picturing John Goodman in drag. Oh boy.

    • Biff

      You mean that thing is really a thing, an actual teevee show? Oh for fuck's sake!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So Bristol is failing in her show that hasn't even started yet (one critic wondered why the show was even on the air), and Todd has to swoop in and prove he's an abject failure at everything except cheating on his wife?

    Wow! I have to call FOX! I just came up with a new reality show, one Todd is guaranteed to win!

  • timbo71351

    Can't this annoying fucking family find real jobs and get off of TV?

    • mrpuma2u

      Sadly this bullshite IS their real jobs, and the only kind of work they're fit for. These schmendriks wouldn't even make good ditch diggers.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        If they were grave diggers, I bet they'd really get into their work…with a good hard shove.

    • Nostrildamus

      I prefer them on TV to in politics. I don't watch TV.

  • gullywompr

    It's almost as if television is begging us to switch to the internet.

    • kissawookiee

      Too bad books don't exist any more. This is making me want to read one.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        What is this "books" of which you speak?

    • PhilippePetain

      In the future, you'll know the idiots by their constant conversations about television shows.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        What do you mean "In the future…"?

        • PhilippePetain

          Exactly.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So this "Stars Earn Stripes" thing — is this where half-assed nobodies go to pretend they're warriors instead of actually doing hard work and risking their lives? No wait — that's the Texas Air Guard — sorry.

  • coolhandnuke

    "Full Mental Jackoff."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I thought that was Adam Baldwin after he flipped out and started posting at Breitbart?

      • coolhandnuke

        "We're all in a world of shit."

    • ttommyunger

      "A Cunt Who Lisps Now"

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyRadio

    Stars Earn Stripes

    Wesley Clark and Todd Palin should consider swapping roles. One is a decorated veteran who's aging well and manifests a disarming appeal (sorry to disagree w/ you Becca). The other is a veteran of a marriage to an overdecorated harpy with smarm appeal.

    • ttommyunger

      Speaking as an undecorated veteran, I can only say that Wesley seems to be an ass-kissing panderer second only to David Petraeus, but with more illusions of grandeur, if that's possible.

  • Not_So_Much

    I'm in if we get to call in on a pay number and suggest graphic training accidents we'd like to see.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Loose pin in the grenade on a five mile forced double time run?

      • Not_So_Much

        That. Or, just have them reenact the 'soap in a sock' scene from "Full Metal Jacket" and beat him until he cries and cries and cries.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Wasilla The Fuck?

  • Baconzgood

    Why is this family on my TV so much and MST3K is still Cancelled?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Yeah, that RLY pisses me off.

  • Estproph

    "Stars Earn Stripes". Todd Palin. These 2 things are mutually exclusive.

    • PubOption

      Reality TV has a strange definition of 'star'.

  • CthuNHu

    You win a trip to Afghanistan! You win a trip to Afghanistan! You win a trip to Afghanistan! You win a trip to Afghanistan!

    You ALL win a trip to Afghanistan!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyRadio

    I am, to be honest, wishing Sarah and Todd's next pregnancy to be conjoined twins, because I do not think Hollywood alone will yield enough dreck fodder for them to exploit like they seem so shamelessly bent on doing until the glaciers melt and the salmon run away on malformed mutant legs. Alaska, I am so sorry.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It would be inspiring to watch Sarah take care of her two little ones, Gee and Haw. And then there would be the third one, the real special needs child, that Sarah would advocate for, right up until they told her it was the placenta.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Placenta Palin.

      • ThundercatHo

        I totally get Gee and Haw and applaud you for it.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    If a reality show on NBC that will likely last all of three weeks on NBC is the best he can do, Todd needs a better agent. He's slightly more popular than bubonic plague, so he could easily get a guest shot on the WCW.

  • Extemporanus

    That stump.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    TV is a vast cultural wasteland. No wonder the Palin's feel so at home there.

  • mavenmaven

    I've begun to entertain the Kurt Vonnegut style delusion that all of the world and all of us are now part of some kind of big reality show starring the Palins.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      STOP CHANNELING MY DELUSIONS!!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    If it were "Life's a Chumbucket," well, I already filled it just thinking about our old Chum.

  • mookwrthwilson

    I hope Terry Crews shoves a stick of Old Spice Deodorant so far up his ass…

    • Extemporanus

      Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho/Todd Mitchell Ski-doo Mukluk Bawls Palin 2012!!1

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'll vote for Dwayne Elizondo if he'll drop the dweeb.

      • mookwrthwilson

        What's Mitt's position on electrolytes?

  • PubOption

    Trepanning the Palins might make a good reality show, although it would be hard to distinguish the noise of the drill from Sarah's voice.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Truantly_Joe

      Also, modern trepanation is typically used to relieve intracranial pressure. I don't believe there's any medical literature supporting its use to relieve intracranial vacuum.

      • ThundercatHo

        I was gonna say it would be like Geraldo opening Capone's vault but yours is better.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    The Palins are kind of like a bad case of crabs… wait, no, they're exactly like a bad case of crabs.

    • Biff

      As opposed to a good case of crabs?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      Meanwhile, on the Northwestern, Captain Sig Hansen nearly curses himself into a stroke as deck boss Edgar hauls up pot after pot of Palins.

      • bikerlaureate

        I have to forget your enviable cleverness before "The Deadliest Catch" is on next, so I'm not all ambivalent n' stuff.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I can just see them clacking across the decks, scuttling sidewise, gnashing their enormous jaws.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

          Thighs. Enormous thighs.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      A little worse. You can get rid of crabs.

  • HoytClagwell

    Really? [notepad ready, pen poised]

    • YouBetcha

      Really. Try the Wasila Publick Highs Scool. Don't worry, even the 10th graders are over the age of majority. Bonus points if you play hockey and drive a truck.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        U misspelled Pubelick, You.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    No
    Way.
    Can't
    Be.

  • niblick77

    Truly, are we that deficient in the available pseudo stars that we have to resort to Todd2.0?

  • SmutBoffin

    Hi, I am starting a Kickstarter thingy to build a Doomsday Device. It will be activated in the event that this show's premiere tops the ratings.

    Tell me, what kind of Worldwide Extinction-Level Event [TM] do you prefer?

    1) Robopocalypse
    2) something with lasers
    3) pole-shift
    4) Alabamification

    • LetUsBray

      Alabamafication appears to be well in progress as it is.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Lazers, fer shure.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Pole-shift with lasers?

    • bobbert

      I'm a traditionalist: ice-9.

  • VespulaMaculata

    Clearly, television programmers are not going to stop until they raise angry zombie Brandon Tartikoff and he destroys the Earth.

  • An_Outhouse

    Stars earn Stripes could be anything. I'm picturing the Big Dipper competing with U'r-Anus to see who can be the new Tony the Tiger.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Truantly_Joe

      Todd Palin is definitely the Ur-anus

  • TribecaMike

    So that explains why none of the late-night talk show monologue writers bothered coming to work today. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

  • DemonicRage

    This is just a trial balloon. Plans are for him to be either a vampire or a werewolf on next year's season of "True Blood," and yes, there will be nudity.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Ain't it a shame the Palins aren't polygamists. Just think of all the reality shows they could be on………………………………(?)

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "‘Dancing with the Stars’ alum Samantha Harris"

    Actually, I love her. Cheryl Burke Charvet is….horrible.

  • TribecaMike

    E tu Picabo?

    Just kidding, Pic. A girl's gotta make a living, right Todd?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    If Romney wins, then get ready for the Wasilla Home Companion on NPR.

  • owhatever

    On the next episode of the Darwin Awards, tune in to watch Todd Palin try and recite the entire alphabet while jerking off behind a bush.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He would make it to "D".

    • CthuNHu

      "Aaaaahh!! A B! A B! Aaaaaahhh!!"

      "That is correct so far, Todd. Keep going."

      "C D B? D B S N D P P!! Aaaaahh!!"

      "That is incorrect. Also, please stop thrashing about."

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hey Todd, if this doesn't work out, I hear they need corspe models on the plethora of CSIs, the twin NCISs, and Bones. Hell bring back that old lady who lurks in Cabot Cove and digs up a murder a week for 8 seasons…surely she needs some lifeless lumps to kick off an episode or two.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    oh for fuck's sake.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    It just don't seem right, doin' this without Barb.

  • Guppy

    "Half-dude" sounds like the result of a scrotal injury.

  • Nostrildamus

    I just hope the press will respect his privacy.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The only thing I want to see the Palins do on Reality TV is be stuffed into a crab pot and dumped into the Bering Sea.

    • TribecaMike

      Bristol's apartment is known as The Crabs Pot.

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      It's like turning the porn upside down!
      All fresh and new!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Truantly_Joe

    Sarah Palin husband Todd is among those competing in NBC’s new reality series “Stars Earns Stripes,” the network has revealed Tuesday.

    "Competing"? Don't you think that's a bit of a generous assessment? I mean, I refuse to even read about this show in further detail, but I assume "talent" will somehow be involved?

  • Nostrildamus

    Stars earn their stripes

    Does "earn" involve work?

  • TribecaMike

    Isn't NBC a founding member of the "lamestream media"?

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    I can't believe no Wonker has asked the question yet. But is that pic of Todd & Bristol at the purity ball?

  • chascates

    If the military is going to start doing reality shows we can cut the shit out of the pentagon budget.

  • lochnessmonster

    Flog me for tweeting this…but on the other hand it is Wonkette publicity so it's not all bad!

  • AlaskaGrrl

    To paraphrase the late Rodney King, "Won't they just please go away?"

  • rocktonsam

    "Our family is soooooooo glad Todd wewe'd up got his own grifting gig."

    – $arah Palin

  • Negropolis

    Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

  • ttommyunger

    Understanding they are having a hard time keep a partner for Toad. Something about the smell of sled dogs, seal blubber and Sarah stank.

  • larrykat

    The pussification of Todd continues…

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Toad.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Going on 20 years now, and I don't miss it in the least.