NICE TIME!  12:23 pm June 19, 2012

Your Lunch-Time Nice Time Video: Is Anyone In The Portland Police Bureau *Not* Gay Or Lesbian?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Here is your biweekly “niceness” post, wherein we push away, for a moment, sad humans screaming about buggery and Ann Romney being a twatbag. Meet the Portland Police Bureau gals and dudes, every last one of whom seems to be a total gay, telling kids it gets better. Portland may have just landed itself in the finals for the chance to win a Wonkette Drinky Thing just for this. Who do you like best? The policelady who was born a boy, but wanted to grow up to be a beautiful woman just like her mother? Us too. [Via TruthWinsOut]

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Hola wonkerados.

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nounverb911 June 19, 2012 at 12:26 pm

How does the video end? Does he get his man in the end?

actor212 June 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

He nails the perp.

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Bet you they'd still bust you in the chops and make you do the chicken walk if you mouthed off to them while you were drunk.

BerkeleyBear June 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Or just shoot you (we've had a bunch of officer involved shootings of people with mental issues, although to be fair a number have been "suicide by cop" situations and on at least one occasion the officer thought he was firing a "less lethal" or "beanbag" round).

freakishlywrong June 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I'm so happy for a nice story I peed. These folks are not Kreeps.

SexySmurf June 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

All the construction workers and Indian chiefs in Portland are also gay.

actor212 June 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Come on, it's Portland, fercrissake! The name itself is totes gay. It practically screams "Subaru" and "amyl nitrate"!

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ June 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Yeah, yeah, yeah… but the badge has a man and woman on it.

freakishlywrong June 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

A billy-club and a gun will make everything better as well.

4TheTurnstiles June 19, 2012 at 12:30 pm

We're not that far removed from these guys, actually:


tihond June 19, 2012 at 12:30 pm

First the mayor's Reggae scandal and now this!

SayItWithWookies June 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm

That's nice and all, but if I wanted to listen to a cop for ten minutes I'd get caught climbing onto the roof of the Wren building like I did in college. Yeah, if I fell it would've been four stories to a cobblestone sidewalk, but where the hell else are you gonna get a view like that?

edgydrifter June 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

They may be LGBT or LGBT-friendly, but that has no bearing on their fondness for shooting folks. If you are black or mentally ill, beware. If you are black and mentally ill, you should probably start running towards the emergency room right now.

EDIT: On the other hand, if thinking well of them increases Portland's chance at a Wonkette Boozefest, let me assure you that our cops are outstanding and pleasant and would probably buy you a beer if you came here.

UW8316154 June 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

No, you're thinking of Seattle, where cops just randomly shoot people dead while crossing the street, aren't you?

jtinks June 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm

no, they're just way more fabulous about it.

mavenmaven June 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Here's a nice new K-pop video to play afterwards, from an obviously more progressive part of the world:

chascates June 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Portland. Go for the LGBT law enforcement and stay for Powell's Books. And the craft breweries. And the artisan distilleries. But Austin still has the food trailers! (and they're overpriced and pretentious)

JoeHoya June 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

And leave because of the nonstop, soul-crushing rain.

Maman June 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I will stay in Chicago for the original Powell's

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Don't forget the donuts at Voodoo.

Isyaignert June 19, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Haha – the last time we were there, I saw people lined up for something and realized it was for donuts. I took a picture of all of the peeps, then got in line.

Isyaignert June 19, 2012 at 3:40 pm

And Mother's Bistro – people are lining up an hour before they open –

Stay at the gorgeous Embassy Suites in the fun Pearl District. We always get a mezzanine level room and love the ones in the corner –…. They have an indoor pool, free cocktails and apps in the evening and wonderful cook-to-order breakfast in the morning. What a deal!!!

Also, too, Portland has the awesome Saturday Market, amazing public art and tranportation, and parks. Be sure to see the Chinese garden in Chinatown.

Portland's cool. We live outside of Seattle and take the train down.

BerkeleyBear June 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm

And awesome farmers markets all over the city on summer weekends, and ridiculously good restaurants in just about every corner of the core city, and pretty soon the summer concerts in the parks will start, along with the zoo concerts that already have, and just the awesomeness that is a walk in the International Test Rose Garden on a clear evening when the flowers are blooming. Not to mention serious goofiness like the adult soap box derby coming up soon.

All of it just enough for us to can and store good vibes about this town to get through a miserable winter and spring.

BerkeleyBear June 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Food cart pod libel! Ours are totes cheap and delicious.

chascates June 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

OK. Austin just has more. Not better, necessarily.

Oblios_Cap June 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I didn't watch the video. Is it Maine or Oregon? They both like beavers a hole lot!

Limeylizzie June 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I would totally like to get cuffed and frisked by "Tasha" from the Academy.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

She could interrogate me any day. OMG, I have such a thing for lady cops.

Limeylizzie June 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I think I may have some lesbian issues I need to deal with!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 19, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Tasha and I can help with that! I'm very helpful!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 19, 2012 at 11:33 pm

The house next to mine is a rental and there used to be a guy living there who beat up his girlfriend every three months or so. When I would call the cops they would always send three cops, and at least one was always a lady cop. That big utility belt with the gun sticking out… Grrrrr. I know it's fucked up, but I miss that girlfriend beating neighbor.

Limeylizzie June 19, 2012 at 11:44 pm

You are awesomeness personified.

Callyson June 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Hey, Portlanders, can you send some of these cops to go enforce the law in Florida? Or Wall Street?

gullywompr June 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

It gets better? I disagree, it doesn't get any better than that.

Chill_Bill June 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

This is my favorite Portlandia episode so far.

CapnRadio June 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm


Geminisunmars June 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

This is joyous news!

JoeHoya June 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

So you're saying some female police officers are lesbians?!?!

SexySmurf June 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I always thought there was something funny going on between Cagney & Lacey.

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

And don't get me started on Starsky and Hutch!

randcoolcatdaddy June 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

If you're in NC, it gets bitter.

tihond June 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm


Maman June 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I saw a s how that tells me that there is also a Grimm and a fox on the police force too.

Doktor Zoom June 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Portland is where young people go to retire.

hagajim June 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I wish I could retire – but it wouldn't be in Portland…too much damn rain, of course I'm not young either.

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Well, that's niiiiiiiiiice. Now can we get back to our regular rage-inducing posts? I can hardly snark at all here, feels like I'm suffocating.

SexySmurf June 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I'm sorry but God created Elliot and Olivia not Elliot and Oliver.

Blueb4sunrise June 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Yeah, well Pinal County. Az. has a GAY SHERIFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Who just took a beating in his run for Republican Primary for Congress. He finished fifth in a field of three.

Biff June 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Sierra County CA did it first, now he's retired.

Geminisunmars June 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Just think – if all the police came out in all of our communities, what a wonderful world it would be. I'm not sure if this is snark.

SayItWithWookies June 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Oh hey — since this is the up-with-people post, I'd like to wish everyone a happy Juneteenth — that's the day in 1865 when the Emancipation Proclamation was announced to black people in Texas. Now if only they'd tell the white folks, Lincoln's work will have been accomplished.

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yeah, the Texas cotton farmers got a couple extra years free labor out of that little sin of omission. "Oh, I thought we told you, and that you guys liked working for us so much you just stayed on anyway!"

BaldarTFlagass June 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

So, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when these bad boys come for you?

didgen June 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I am pretty sure that the lovely Portland police officer that explained so eloquently that the problem of feeding the homeless here in Portland could be lessened by utilizing the dogs and cats from the shelters was not one of these fine people. I'm also sure that he was unaware that the 6'2", 250lb guy he was talking to owned 5 cats and 3 dogs. The husband still has violent fantasies about him.

rickmaci June 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Very inspired and courageous 10 minutes of video. I'll probably get flamed for saying this but about three minutes in I was hearing this in the back of my head and laughing.

Hedley_Lamarr June 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm


*I've already started.

hagajim June 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Please come and meet our lovely GBLT friendly Poooolice. Just don't do anything too assholish or they'll "accidently" shoot you with a shotgun that was supposed to be filled with beanbag and isn't – whoopsie!

Biff June 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Cops are cops, I don't care if they're gay or otherwise. I don't want anything to do with them.

Nostrildamus June 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Go Beavers!

Lazy Media June 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm


owhatever June 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

The weekend is starting already? I gotz some ketchup to do.

PhilippePetain June 19, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Huh, maybe these folks should tell all of our local fascist sympathizers to stop stomping people to death in the streets and beating up protesters consistently.

ttommyunger June 20, 2012 at 7:24 am

"Suck him, Dano!"

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 19, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Wagging my tail furiously.

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