Get out of the way, lady! Your job is being used as leverage for jobs!Republicans love jobs. Jobs jobs jobs. All they want to do is make jobs. They’re the mayors of Jobland, where jobs grow on jobbies. In 2012 alone, they’ve sponsored the Jobs Score Act, the Do Your Job Act, the Bridge to Jobs Act, the Mid-Atlantic Energy and Jobs Act, the—

You get the point. They basically take regular legislation, include provisions to give money to rich people, then add “jobs” to the title. They looooove saying “job” in front of TV cameras, in this, the hardest of economic times, which also happens to be an election year.

So when presented with a bill that saves 1.9 million transportation jobs and purports to create another million, you might be thinking the JobJobJob Party of Jobber Jobs would be all over it. You might be thinking that because you are a rational human, which the aforementioned JobJobJob Party of Jobber Jobs is not. They want their Keystone XL oil pipeline, and they’ll toss 1.9 million jobs in the garbage if they don’t get it.

The bill we doth speak of, dear reader, is the $109 billion transportation and infrastructure bill that was passed by the Senate months ago, because that is the house of Congress not in the grips of an angry horde that learned its accounting skills from counting out 50 ears of corn to a bushel.

The House has until June 30 to pass and reconcile a matching bill to save those previously mentioned gazillion jobs — and Republicans are holding firm to their threat that they won’t do it unless approval for the Keystone pipeline is built in, a move that has prompted officials to declare the bill, to use a technical term from the Hill, “dead.”

Never mind that the pipeline would only create a few hundred permanent jobs, or that the temporary construction jobs created are estimated to be less than 5,000 — the GOP has been griping about that big hairy oil tube for a year now, and your job in a toll booth is not as important as their job in Congress.

A moment of review.

  • Transportation jobs reportedly at stake: ~2.9 million
  • Number of jobs created by the Keystone pipeline: ~4
  • Number of shits Republicans give: 0

And keep in mind, 1.9 million of those jobs aren’t fictional things cooked up by the Congressional Budget Office — they’re actual humans doing actual work, who would be actually without work if Republicans pull that same neat trick they did last year when they closed the Federal Aviation Administration in July and left almost 250 construction projects (and 75,000 workers) to just sit around and sweat while they figured out where they were going to go for their next recess.

It was an equally stupid argument back then — they wanted $16.5 million in cuts, and ate $350 million in ticket sale losses to get them. Quick — let’s put their party in the White House. [ThinkProgress]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    This is good news for… China?

    • AncienReggie

      This is good news for alignment shops. Lots'a bad roads, lot'sa front ends out of alignment. Probably helps tire stores and muffler shops, too.

  • Well, now *some* Republicans must give shits, else why do they smell so bad?

    • AbandonHope

      Easy… they hold it all in.

  • Y'know, I wonder…to save money for those transportation jobs, maybe we could re-route a couple of freight lines from, say, the farmlands of the heartland, and let the food they grow rot on the loading docks…

    • Generation[redacted]

      You're assuming they have enough cheap migrant workers to get that food to the loading docks in the first place. The other part of their jobs plan is to make sure they don't.

  • nounverb911

    Has anyone asked Boehner what he wants to be when he grows up?

    • OneDollarJuana

      An erect penis.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I figured he wanted to be a traffic cone. Which is ironic considering the transportation jobs he's holding up.

  • Republicans are holding firm to their threat that they won’t do it unless approval for the Keystone pipeline is built in, a move that has prompted officials to declare the bill, to use a technical term from the Hill, “dead.”

    The new daredevil game is seeing how long you can listen to what wingnuts say before you start feeling syphilis symptoms.

  • flamingpdog

    From now on I'm calling RethugliKlans, Barbies. "Math is hard!"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Republicans are all about the process — and if the process doesn't involve threats, intimidation and making destroying the environment for six months' supply of oil the new normal, then it's not fuckin' happening.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      For six months' of oil which we will sell to China. Important addition.

  • Not_So_Much

    This makes no sense — if these are government jerbs, then how can a billionaire be creating them with his tax cuts? No wonder the GOP sees through this ruse.

  • The only jobs they want are:
    Koch hand and blow jobs (give not receive)

  • Pragmatist2

    They could add new public service jobs with a bill called "The Keystone Kops" and they could star in the commercial.

  • SorosBot

    The Republicans do love them their hostage taking.

  • noodlesalad

    Balderdash. Republicans don't just blow on about jobs. They would hand jobs to every American if they could. Sometimes they even rent boys to help them in this task, on which they take a wide a stance as possible.

  • didgen

    I cannot understand why the Republicans are so hot for the pipeline, they're already the greasiest guys around.

  • JobsJobsJobs…

    It's like the converse of teatarders' refusal to say "vagina." And the equivalent of fundies' uttering of "Gawd" this'n "Gawd" that, ad infinitum. Republicans chanting "jobsjobsjobs" til it's trodden into the ground says more about the carnival barker than about their purported Greatest Show On Earth. And what baffles me most about my own equivalence-drawing on these hapless yet harmful fools is I've lost track of whether they occupy the role of the pimp or of the whore.

  • Estproph

    In the new Republican economy, ther will be plenty of jobs for everyone!

    Shoe shiner

    Gas pumper

    Testicle washer

    Urine collector

    Jobs for everyone, I tell you!

    • mrpuma2u

      Don't forget Bentley warsher, Yacht barnacle scraper, and gated community security guard.

    • Geminisunmars

      Ima gonna apply for Dressage Trainer.

    • Biff
  • OkieDokieDog

    Every OKIE politician in Okhelloma wanker on (or off?) about Keystone – when they're not having a wank fest about repealing the evil Socialist Obamacare. Thank you, wanker deluxe Jim Inhofe, big oil's call girl for…. well, fucking nothing (except 'Merica).

  • Doktor Zoom

    Only the Keystone Pipeline can make us energy-independent, with its ability to move oil from Canada to Gulf refineries for…uh…export.

    Keystone–we put the Fun in Fungible!

    • sullivanst

      Don't confuse Keystone and Keystone XL.

      Keystone already exists, and delivers filthy shitty planet-killing sludge to Indiana and Oklahoma (on such rare occasions as it isn't just spilling it all over the damned place) where it is refined pretty much entirely for domestic consumption.

      Keystone XL will move filthy shitty planet-killing sludge from the exact same source, in larger quantities, direct to shoreline grandfathered no-standards planet-killing refineries for processing largely for export.

      In other words, the Republicants are fighting to divert oil away from domestic consumption into the global market, all while killing the planet faster.

      • HELisforHEL

        To the Reptards, that spells success.

      • AncienReggie

        Keystone is also a really shitty beer.

  • SexySmurf

    Shorter John Boehner:

    I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and the whole compound, and I'll spare your jobs.

    You have to imagine Boehner in a leather thong for the full effect.

    • Some things can never been unseen…

    • HELisforHEL

      Let the forgetting begin.

    • Buckminster

      I'm throwing up in my mouth a little.

    • GorzoTheMighty

      And a hockey mask. Go for the Road Warrior effect.

  • under_score

    Bacon Eggs Jobs and Sausage. It hasn't got as much Jobs in it as Jobs Jobs Jobs Jobs Jobs Jobs Eggs and Jobs.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Why don't those road crews get off their asses and go out and create their own damn jobs?

    • By sneaking around at midnight putting potholes in?

      • Generation[redacted]

        And raw materials can be easily extracted from existing roads in Republican districts.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Gimme all your dirty oil or the nigra gets it"!

    • Buckminster

      Don't do it! He's crazy! He's gonna do it!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Those cunts.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Even Barbara Bush is naming her jarred fetus "John Oddjob Bush." It will now be labeled the "J.O.B. Jar." That's two, Two jobs in One!

  • freakishlywrong

    LSM: "Congress failed to pass the Highway bill".

  • mavenmaven

    I think when the transportation bill is brought to vote, someone should say "vagina", all the Repubs will run out of the room in horror, and the bill will pass.

    • sullivanst

      As long as everyone remembers "not to hear" them shouting "I suggest the absence of a quorum" as they head out the door.

    • Buckminster


    • Generation[redacted]

      Nah, they'll just bar Democrats from speaking and then hold a voice vote.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm sick of these fucks.

    • HELisforHEL

      I hear you. I'm beginning to take my ire out on people around me, much like the Bush years. And the Gingrich years. And the Bush I years. And the Reagan years. And the…oh fuck it. They suck, they're stupid and they're traitorous pieces of dogshit.

      I will now start chanting Vagina Vagina Vagina and visualize mavenmaven's comment above in order to improve my mood.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, they're certainly giving the Keystone folks a nice rimJOB, if nothing else.

  • It's just a damn game to them, isn't it?
    I agree with Baconz. Fuck 'em.

    • HELisforHEL

      I wish Hopey's handlers would make a video with McConnell's endless braying re: the Republican plan: to be obstructionist no matter the consequences to our nation, just so they can try to unseat Obama.There are certainly enough instances where he said it pretty fucking clearly.
      Create it and play it to death in all the swing states: end it with a fade-in to his fucking turtleface and his pal Orange-boy and message it with "McConnell and the Republicans: American Traitors?!??!?!11!!1!" or some such thing, with the scary music and blah blah blah. Play that for all those idiot old people who, despite being idiots, at least VOTE, and perhaps some of them will come to what's remaining of their failing senses.
      That, and goddamn it, youngins, y'all better get off your pot-infused asses and vote this November. It'll only cut into your wanking off and getting high for about 30 fucking minutes. DO IT.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Hell, not even that long. I get mail-in ballots!

  • SpeedoFart

    Don't be silly– it's not a jorb unless some rich fuck makes an obscene profit from it!

    Transportation "jobs"? Feh!

  • Mittens Howell, III


    • Blueb4sunrise


  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, didn't the Republicans declare victory over this damn issue a while back when they held some other legislation hostage until President Obama gave them what they wanted? Oh yeah — here it is:

    In December 2011, Congress voted to give the Obama Administration a 60-day deadline to make a decision on TransCanada's application for the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline. On January 18, 2012, President Obama confirmed his rejection of the application stating that the deadline for the decision had "prevented a full assessment of the pipeline's impact".

    Oops — hey, maybe they want their legislation to fail — if it doesn't, they won't be able to hold more jobs hostage. That can be the only sensible explanation for why they'd insist the president make a decision with even less time to conduct a thorough review than he had before.

    • sullivanst

      And at a time when it was simply impossible to conduct a review because there wasn't even a route to review.

      Is there even a route through Nebraska now? The holdup to the review process last year was that the proposed route was withdrawn after the Republican governor and almost entirely Republican congressional delegation objected to the fact that the proposal took its nasty horrible planet-killing sludge right over the shallowest part of one of the world's largest aquifers.

      • James Michael Curley

        That and through a couple river beds in the Dakotas.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Didn't Sarah Palin tell them that oil pipelines don't leak? Modern technology!

        • sullivanst

          I'm sure she did, but they probably "don't take orders from no woman" and maybe looked up for themselves that Keystone I had the leakiest first year of any pipeline in US history.

        • Biff
  • CapnRadio

    "So we want to lay our pipe right through the country. Remember: if rape is inevitable, America, just relax and enjoy it."

  • Antispandex

    Republican oil pipeline to Amerka. Yee Haw! Lube and insert.

  • Callyson

    Time to send these jerks to the unemployment line…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Fuck this. I'm off to ride my dancing horse and blow off some steam.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Fuck bridges, anyway.

  • calliecallie

    What is there even left to say about these damn guys? Fucking selfish shitheads.

  • chascates

    It might be best if we change the terms of office to 6 or 8 years for President just to avoid both parties electioneering the day after the inauguration. And make the year before the election a 'gap year' so all elected officials won't have to pretend to five a rat's ass and can just spend their time raising money and lying.

    • James Michael Curley

      And risk two terms of Jeb Bush or 16 years?

      • chascates

        Point well taken. Only one term. No relatives elected within a 25-year period except for third cousins. Only one Texan per fifty years. And no one from Arizona.

  • James Michael Curley

    If they ween't such overstuffed, overfed glutons we could probably make do with the Keystone L pipeline.

  • Buckminster

    Ship the lot of them to where there's one of the frequent oil spills created by shitty maintenance and poor construction practices. Let them drink polluted water and watch their kids get sick and be nauseated all the time from the stench of oil and dead animals. Dumbass fucks.

  • owhatever

    A massive oil pipeline all the way across America. Think of the greatness of that act! Would the rest of the evil world be scared of us more after we had that ability? How scared? Do we have any statistics?

    • An_Outhouse

      There's a reason we're below Canada. We're the shit hole where they dump their shit. The whole world is impressed with the amount of shit we can hold.

  • Generation[redacted]

    (interrupting) Mr President, why do you hate American workers so much?

  • Biff

    There must still be a Black Man in the White House. I can't think of any other reason.

  • TribecaMike

    Excuse me, I have to take a McConnell.

  • Antispandex

    "House Republicans Threaten To Kill 1.9 Million Jobs To Try To Make Like Eight Or Nine Jobs Max"

    It's simple math, really. See, you give the eight or nine jobs to the job creators, then, they create jobs, by being awesome, and then those jobs trickle down through the rest of the economy until, VOILA, jobiness spreads to even the poors (well the ones who really WANT to work). It's really easy, and they would totally do it, if that terrible negro would only let them!

  • An_Outhouse

    The only jobs Republicans care about are hand jobs.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Who needs a transportation bill? We've not had a major bridge collapse in a couple of years at least….

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Keystone beer is really crappy. Why would anyone want to pipe that stuff anywhere?

  • usuhname

    I'm trying to think of a way they could suck more without going whole-hog on the doing evil thing (i.e. doing *something*), but failing to think what it could possibly be!

  • CastleRockBear

    Brilliant article!

  • DahBoner

    Let me translate: when Republicans talk about "jobs", what they mean is a "handout" to someone who is too rich to need a job.

  • ttommyunger

    These people have to be stealing the elections electronically; no public can really be stupid enough to actually support them, can they?

Previous articleAlabama Public TV Execs Fired For Not Loving Made-Up Christian History Show
Next articleYour Lunch-Time Nice Time Video: Is Anyone In The Portland Police Bureau *Not* Gay Or Lesbian?