MASSHOLES  5:47 pm June 18, 2012

John Kerry To Play Fellow Tall, Limp Massachusetts Patrician Mitt Romney In Debate Practice

by Jim Newell

Sock it to me??John Kerry’s back on the presidential debate stage! He told you bums that he’d get back there, one of these days. Unfortunately, he’ll only be playing his 2012 lamer equivalent, Mitt Romney, in practice debates against President Obama. How debasing. But since John Kerry’s career at this point is “kiss as much Obama ass as possible until John Kerry is named Secretary of State,” he’ll proudly accept this call to make the very, very modest tweaks to his personality necessary to portray a perfect Mitt Romney.

Kerry, for all of his general mediocrity in most political things, was an excellent debater — or at least good enough to beat George W. Bush and his earpiece. Will he be just as good as fake Mittens?

“There is no one that has more experience or understanding of the presidential debate process than John Kerry,” said David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist. “He’s an expert debater who has a fundamental mastery of a wide range of issues, including Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts. He’s the obvious choice.”

In his own presidential campaign, Kerry faced similar challenges as Romney does now. He struggled to deal with his aloofness and vast personal wealth as President Bush tried to portray him as out-of-touch with everyday Americans, while the Republicans labeled Kerry a “flip-flopper” for a series of policy shifts.

It will be a challenge for Kerry to get through the debate without sobbing over memories his terrible, terrible election loss, indeed.

Romney hasn’t chosen anyone to play Obama yet. This Washington Post article says that Rob Portman played Obama in McCain’s ’08 rehearsals; we remember it being Michael Steele, though, because of how comical a choice that was. Which blah should it be this year? Oh, that’s an easy question. Awwwwwwwww shucky ducky!

[WaPo]

 
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{ 101 comments }

nounverb911 June 18, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Who's Mitt going to get to stand in for him when he practices the debates?

Crank_Tango June 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Probably his evil twin Flexo, who of course will turn out not to be the evil one.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:04 am

Futurama FTW.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Surely the campaign has one or two card-board cutouts?

Generation[redacted] June 18, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Wasn't there an Obama impersonator appearing on Fox News for a while?

johnnymeatworth June 18, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Herman Cain? Yeah, but his impersonation sucked….

Callyson June 19, 2012 at 1:55 am

An Etch – a – Sketch.

HarryButtle June 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

"Which blah should it be this year?"

What's the difference? They all look alike.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You know, I have an old TRS-80 I can lean the Dems if they want the full Mitt Romney experience.

Crank_Tango June 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Ooooh flip flop libel!!!

Schmannnity June 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Kerry is too lifelike and down to earth.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I understand that someone is working on an app that will allow Romney to simulate that.

bikerlaureate June 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Maybe hallucinogens will be involved, to nail that patented Rmoney allergy to truth and consistency.

smokefilledroommate June 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Pizza y Ketchup

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Really, how hard is it to be the Romney stand-in, as his entire campaign is "You suck, and everything you do sucks."

iburl June 18, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Shucky Ducky = "It is I, the Black Republican"

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Here's the problem: Kerry is a fine speaker and a good debater, and will make an excellent stand-in for RMONEY.

Who the hell can MittTheShitt possibly get to stand in for Obama? He's an excellent speaker and debater, and he's an excellent strategist, and a lightning-fast thinker. I don't the Republicans, with their deep-seated racism, have ever acknowledged his excellence, and it might bite them in the ass. I certainly hope it does.

mavenmaven June 18, 2012 at 6:29 pm

They'll use Reggie Brown again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9-Oi2i62Qw

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:52 am

If these dog-and-pony shows were in fact debates, that might be an issue. But really, they're mostly just a series of opportunities to deliver prefabricated little speeches.

If the moderator manages to goad the candidates into making actual spontaneous statements, Mint Mormoney will be toast, and you can be sure his programming will be designed to prevent that.

MittBorg June 19, 2012 at 1:01 am

We need Jon Stewart to moderate.

Eve8Apples June 19, 2012 at 10:56 am

Given the GOP keeps accusing Pres. Obama of being a communist and socialist, my guess is they will hire Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro or Hu Jintao to practice debate Romney.

MittBorg June 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

IOW, they got nothing. None of those people would do it, not for love or money. Welp, they're screwed. What a pleasant thought. I can't think of more deserving people.

SayItWithWookies June 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Patrician though he may be, one thing John Kerry lacks that Mitt has is the casual contempt for the working man. Maybe Kerry learned that from going to Vietnam when he didn't have to, unlike some other assholes who put him down for not being patriotic enough.

Texan_Bulldog June 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Those purple band aids at the RNC convention still piss me off, along with the accusations that he shot himself to get one of his Purple Hearts. That's why Democrats rarely win–they just aren't evil enough.

deanbooth June 18, 2012 at 6:05 pm

It still pisses me off, too. Those bastards. It's time for their comeuppance. Comeuppance, I say!

scvirginia June 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Or putdownnance- I'm cool with that…

1stNewtontheMoon June 18, 2012 at 7:10 pm

yeah, but that was 2004–eight whole years ago. they were old white and mean then. now, most of them are probably dead.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:11 am

But, that's the beauty of life…it keeps repeating itself. There will be new "old white and mean" to replace what was lost. Be sure of it.

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 9:02 am

The Republican Woman delegate with the Purple Heart Band-Aid and whose picture was smeared, but not her body, all over the place in 2004 is now vice chair of the party in what ever state or county cesspool she climbed out of.

qwerty42 June 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I could not believe the "purple heart band-aids" the Republicans had out that year.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:10 am

one thing John Kerry lacks that Mitt has is the casual contempt for the working man.

I don't know why, but I laughed at that for a full minute sustained, nearly. Then, I had a sad when I realized that's what the Republicans label a virtue.

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 9:11 am

Having been awarded a bunch of those metal hunks for which John Kerry was so viciously slandered, I finally got even in the way best understood by Republicans; I became 'entitled' to service connected disabilities I had never bothered to claim before. Of course, the Republican use of the term 'Entitlement' sufficiently pisses me off so that when a Republican uses it I often respond, "Do you remember the movie Rambo?"

BloviateMe June 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm

That's hilarious. I mean, Kerry and Mittens do kind of have a painfully boring Mario/Wario thing going on.

Generation[redacted] June 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm

At the practice, Obama will stand at the podium, while Kerry drives his car around in circles, honking.

Mittens Howell, III June 18, 2012 at 6:04 pm

nice one – beep beep!

smokefilledroommate June 18, 2012 at 6:06 pm

I'd like to think it would be in one of those tiny Shriner cars..

scvirginia June 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Yeah, thanks for helping me get my mind off of fezzes…

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 9:14 am
Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:12 am

The car will have a barking dog tied atop it for good measure.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:47 am

He'll need Anne's help, to drive the other Cadillac.

scvirginia June 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm

My guess is Bobby Jindal.

Mittens Howell, III June 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm

John Kerry will be arriving at the debate in a custom-built windsurfer elevator.

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 9:20 am

Wearing the mask of Ronald Reagan.

Mittens Howell, III June 18, 2012 at 6:01 pm

John Edwards will be playing the part of Seamus the Dog.

edgydrifter June 18, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Will Kerry have to wear magic underwear for moral authenticity?

RedneckMuslin June 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

John Kerry, he's the feller that lost to that stupid Texan, isn't he?

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:15 am

Nutmeg State libel! Wait, that's "Lone Star State libel!"

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:46 am

I prefer "ˇThe One-Star State".

Beowoof June 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I sure he is watching old Jon Lovitz tapes on SNL to get ready to portray Mitt accurately. Yeah, that's the ticket.

GunToting[Redacted] June 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Isn't Lovitz a wingtard now?

Mittens Howell, III June 18, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Kerry was selected because he can make all the $10,000 debate bets he wants.

smokefilledroommate June 18, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Doppelflopper!

chascates June 18, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I hope Obama will wait until Romney states an obvious lie and then shout "You lie! You lyin', motherfucker!"

RedneckMuslin June 18, 2012 at 6:25 pm

And then stick him.

chascates June 18, 2012 at 6:51 pm

No, reach into his chest, pull out his beating heart, and hand it to him!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:44 am

Reach into his chest, and then go "Wait, what the fuck…???"

While Cheney smirks knowingly.

scvirginia June 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

That way laryngitis lies…

DerrickWildcat June 18, 2012 at 6:13 pm

There's more debates!?

johnnyzhivago June 18, 2012 at 6:16 pm

DNC couldn't afford a robot?

scvirginia June 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

No- send in your contribution now!

Monsieur_Grumpe June 18, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I just can't see Kerry trying to tackle Obama and cut his hair.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:17 am

You're right, but I'd love to see Romney try. I fuckin' dare him.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:42 am

Running with scissors? That can't end well.

weejee June 18, 2012 at 6:19 pm

OT

A bus-full of nuns are protesting the Rethug budget.

Nunzilla weeps.

Butch_Wagstaff June 18, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Now I know where to get a yodelin' pickle. Thankya!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:37 am

I have a Nunzilla — I cannot recommend it highly enough. Recovering Catholics never fail to fall down laughing.

As for the nuns on the bus, more power to 'em. I hope they really press the question, "What would Jesus cut from the budget?"

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

Didn't the Archie Bunker Republicans learn this lesson back in the '70's? "Nothing beats a station wagon full of nuns."

mavenmaven June 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Jerome Corsi denies that Kerry was ever involved in a debate, presidential or in any other capacity. In fact, they deny that Kerry ever actually ran for public office.

Goonemeritus June 18, 2012 at 6:28 pm

If the Republican Party is true to their image of Obama they can only go with Mumia Abu-Jamal.

fartknocker June 18, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I'll tell you who is black, articulate and would be fun to watch Romney debate: Ving Rhames.

From Pulp Fiction
That's just pride fucking with you. I think this statement summarizes my impressions of Romney's leadership.

TootsStansbury June 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

The only authentic emotion Romney-bot is capable of showing is hate. Eyes bugged out spit flying hate that accompanies his lies. Can Kerry do that?

Tundra Grifter June 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

John Kerry is much too lifelike and too smart to be (r)Money's standin. Besides, who other than Mittens himself can seemlessly shift from one position to the other then back to this orginal then shift to…

“I was amazed. I’m standing next to a guy who has the most blatantly dishonest answers I can remember in any presidential race in my lifetime… I don’t know how you can debate someone with civility if they’re prepared to say things that are factually false.”

Newt Gingrich on Mitt Romney

valthemus June 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Trying… trying… tryyyyyiiiiiiiiing… Acchh! It's no good. I just can't muster any interest in what John Kerry's up to today.

Tundra Grifter June 18, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Is that the movie with the chicks surfing?

ttommyunger June 18, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I like Kerry, I voted for him, I'd do it again but I have to say this role won't be much of a stretch for him.

starfanglednut June 18, 2012 at 9:08 pm

It's too bad he's so personally unappealing. He really has been a good senator for us.

ttommyunger June 18, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I agree completely.Sent from my iPhone

starfanglednut June 18, 2012 at 9:20 pm

tt, you in MA? I'd love to have a wonkette meetup here. I couldn't make it to Providence that day. And yes, he has quietly sponsored some good legislation. He actually cares about climate change, education etc.

ttommyunger June 18, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I am in a bunker in the belly of the beast, Georgia, sadly.Sent from my iPhone

Gopherit June 18, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Kerry isn't nearly practiced enough in the fine art of saying whatever it takes to get elected.

randcoolcatdaddy June 18, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I don't envy Kerry on this one. They'll be changing the cards on Romney's positions every few hours.

arihaya June 18, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Obama's campaign could save money on Kerry's mani-pedi by simply using that Romney doodlehead used by the Huntsman girls

arihaya June 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm

so in return, Romney's campaign will use who as Obama's stand-in?

Michael Steele ? Herman Cain ? Trayvon Martin poster?

Opportunisticly_Joe June 18, 2012 at 7:21 pm

He’s an expert debater who has a fundamental mastery of a wide range of issues, including Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts. He’s the obvious choice.”

You might even say he's a debating master. Or perhaps…

Ryy June 18, 2012 at 7:27 pm

All I can say is: this is perfect

barto June 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

He should get the Donald to do it, after all he has many blah friends and he'll do anything for attention. Hell, he's delusional enough that he might even think it's all about him.

owhatever June 18, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Big O: I am privileged to have this opportunity to debate my opponent, Scrooge McDuck, concerning the issues that face our great nation.

Kerry: I will repeal Obamacare on my first day in office.

Big O: You mean Romneycare, don't you, Daddy Warbucks.

Kerry: Honk. Honk. Honk.

OldWhiteLies June 18, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Nah, they just need to get the Toy Story Etch-A-Sketch as a rombot stand-in.

Come here a minute June 18, 2012 at 9:02 pm

If the Republican candidate had only been Rick Perry, President Barry could be all, "N***erhead, N***erhead, N***erhead!"

seppdecker June 19, 2012 at 12:05 am

Given how badly Chokely and the Mass. Dems fucked up the last Senatorial special election, let's leave Kerry where he is. We don't want anymore Brown on our hands.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 12:21 am

What, Obama couldn't get a loan from the Hall of Presidents at Disney World?

gurukalehuru June 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I'd go with either Houston van Austin or Buddy Knox. Maybe Leo Smoot. http://wonkette.com/438130/something-truly-weird-

Biel_ze_Bubba June 19, 2012 at 12:32 am

I'm confused. How is an "expert debater" a good stand-in for (R)Money?

This is gonna leave Obama totally unprepared for the random idiocies he's going to have to deal with in the actual debates.

Come here a minute June 19, 2012 at 7:12 am

It might be easier to debate someone who can string more than two words together, instead of trying to argue about spending priorities with someone who, when you say that two plus two is four, screams, "FUZZY MATH!!1!1!!!"

DahBoner June 19, 2012 at 8:00 am

Should be a no-brainer for Obama.

Kerry folds faster than a $3 lawn chair from K-Mart…

crybabyboehner June 19, 2012 at 8:08 am

Half of Kerry's campaign "brain trust" is now on the Obama campaign. So, No Worries!

vinny9698 June 19, 2012 at 10:55 am

I do not know why you are being critical of John Kerry to be the debate stand in. Who else would do a better job? He knows the MA politics, has being in presidential debates, knows and has inter acted with Romney and is an expert debater. Who else can fill those requirements.

starfanglednut June 18, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I'm so sorry, dude.

James Michael Curley June 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

Oh man, Georgia. I only passed through Georgia a few times, but few things raise my blood pressure faster than the hack job Saxby Chambliss did on Max Cleland. Due to veterans work I was doing in the late 70's I, and a bunch of Viet Vets from NYC, got a hour face time with him. He assured us that when (and if) the full documentation of Operation Ranch Hand showed grunt exposure to dioxin he would do everything he could to get help for guys dying (at that time mostly) from liver cancer with autopsies which showed dioxin in the cancerous tissue. Took a while but he was a significant part of coming through with exposure guidelines first adopted by the VA while he was Georgia S'cty of State.

ttommyunger June 18, 2012 at 9:35 pm

YOU'RE sorry?Sent from my iPhone

ttommyunger June 19, 2012 at 9:52 am

Saxby is a bag man. Period.Sent from my iPhone

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