John Kerry To Play Fellow Tall, Limp Massachusetts Patrician Mitt Romney In Debate Practice

Sock it to me??John Kerry’s back on the presidential debate stage! He told you bums that he’d get back there, one of these days. Unfortunately, he’ll only be playing his 2012 lamer equivalent, Mitt Romney, in practice debates against President Obama. How debasing. But since John Kerry’s career at this point is “kiss as much Obama ass as possible until John Kerry is named Secretary of State,” he’ll proudly accept this call to make the very, very modest tweaks to his personality necessary to portray a perfect Mitt Romney.

Kerry, for all of his general mediocrity in most political things, was an excellent debater — or at least good enough to beat George W. Bush and his earpiece. Will he be just as good as fake Mittens?

“There is no one that has more experience or understanding of the presidential debate process than John Kerry,” said David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist. “He’s an expert debater who has a fundamental mastery of a wide range of issues, including Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts. He’s the obvious choice.”

In his own presidential campaign, Kerry faced similar challenges as Romney does now. He struggled to deal with his aloofness and vast personal wealth as President Bush tried to portray him as out-of-touch with everyday Americans, while the Republicans labeled Kerry a “flip-flopper” for a series of policy shifts.

It will be a challenge for Kerry to get through the debate without sobbing over memories his terrible, terrible election loss, indeed.

Romney hasn’t chosen anyone to play Obama yet. This Washington Post article says that Rob Portman played Obama in McCain’s ’08 rehearsals; we remember it being Michael Steele, though, because of how comical a choice that was. Which blah should it be this year? Oh, that’s an easy question. Awwwwwwwww shucky ducky!


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, I have an old TRS-80 I can lean the Dems if they want the full Mitt Romney experience.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I understand that someone is working on an app that will allow Romney to simulate that.

    2. bikerlaureate

      Maybe hallucinogens will be involved, to nail that patented Rmoney allergy to truth and consistency.

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Really, how hard is it to be the Romney stand-in, as his entire campaign is "You suck, and everything you do sucks."

  3. MittBorg

    Here's the problem: Kerry is a fine speaker and a good debater, and will make an excellent stand-in for RMONEY.

    Who the hell can MittTheShitt possibly get to stand in for Obama? He's an excellent speaker and debater, and he's an excellent strategist, and a lightning-fast thinker. I don't the Republicans, with their deep-seated racism, have ever acknowledged his excellence, and it might bite them in the ass. I certainly hope it does.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If these dog-and-pony shows were in fact debates, that might be an issue. But really, they're mostly just a series of opportunities to deliver prefabricated little speeches.

      If the moderator manages to goad the candidates into making actual spontaneous statements, Mint Mormoney will be toast, and you can be sure his programming will be designed to prevent that.

    2. Eve8Apples

      Given the GOP keeps accusing Pres. Obama of being a communist and socialist, my guess is they will hire Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro or Hu Jintao to practice debate Romney.

      1. MittBorg

        IOW, they got nothing. None of those people would do it, not for love or money. Welp, they're screwed. What a pleasant thought. I can't think of more deserving people.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Patrician though he may be, one thing John Kerry lacks that Mitt has is the casual contempt for the working man. Maybe Kerry learned that from going to Vietnam when he didn't have to, unlike some other assholes who put him down for not being patriotic enough.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Those purple band aids at the RNC convention still piss me off, along with the accusations that he shot himself to get one of his Purple Hearts. That's why Democrats rarely win–they just aren't evil enough.

      1. 1stNewtontheMoon

        yeah, but that was 2004–eight whole years ago. they were old white and mean then. now, most of them are probably dead.

        1. Negropolis

          But, that's the beauty of life…it keeps repeating itself. There will be new "old white and mean" to replace what was lost. Be sure of it.

        2. James Michael Curley

          The Republican Woman delegate with the Purple Heart Band-Aid and whose picture was smeared, but not her body, all over the place in 2004 is now vice chair of the party in what ever state or county cesspool she climbed out of.

    2. Negropolis

      one thing John Kerry lacks that Mitt has is the casual contempt for the working man.

      I don't know why, but I laughed at that for a full minute sustained, nearly. Then, I had a sad when I realized that's what the Republicans label a virtue.

    3. James Michael Curley

      Having been awarded a bunch of those metal hunks for which John Kerry was so viciously slandered, I finally got even in the way best understood by Republicans; I became 'entitled' to service connected disabilities I had never bothered to claim before. Of course, the Republican use of the term 'Entitlement' sufficiently pisses me off so that when a Republican uses it I often respond, "Do you remember the movie Rambo?"

  5. BloviateMe

    That's hilarious. I mean, Kerry and Mittens do kind of have a painfully boring Mario/Wario thing going on.

  6. Generation[redacted]

    At the practice, Obama will stand at the podium, while Kerry drives his car around in circles, honking.

  7. Mittens Howell, III

    John Kerry will be arriving at the debate in a custom-built windsurfer elevator.

  8. Beowoof

    I sure he is watching old Jon Lovitz tapes on SNL to get ready to portray Mitt accurately. Yeah, that's the ticket.

  9. Mittens Howell, III

    Kerry was selected because he can make all the $10,000 debate bets he wants.

  10. chascates

    I hope Obama will wait until Romney states an obvious lie and then shout "You lie! You lyin', motherfucker!"

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Reach into his chest, and then go "Wait, what the fuck…???"

          While Cheney smirks knowingly.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I have a Nunzilla — I cannot recommend it highly enough. Recovering Catholics never fail to fall down laughing.

      As for the nuns on the bus, more power to 'em. I hope they really press the question, "What would Jesus cut from the budget?"

    2. James Michael Curley

      Didn't the Archie Bunker Republicans learn this lesson back in the '70's? "Nothing beats a station wagon full of nuns."

  11. mavenmaven

    Jerome Corsi denies that Kerry was ever involved in a debate, presidential or in any other capacity. In fact, they deny that Kerry ever actually ran for public office.

  12. Goonemeritus

    If the Republican Party is true to their image of Obama they can only go with Mumia Abu-Jamal.

  13. fartknocker

    I'll tell you who is black, articulate and would be fun to watch Romney debate: Ving Rhames.

    From Pulp Fiction
    That's just pride fucking with you. I think this statement summarizes my impressions of Romney's leadership.

  14. TootsStansbury

    The only authentic emotion Romney-bot is capable of showing is hate. Eyes bugged out spit flying hate that accompanies his lies. Can Kerry do that?

  15. Tundra Grifter

    John Kerry is much too lifelike and too smart to be (r)Money's standin. Besides, who other than Mittens himself can seemlessly shift from one position to the other then back to this orginal then shift to…

    “I was amazed. I’m standing next to a guy who has the most blatantly dishonest answers I can remember in any presidential race in my lifetime… I don’t know how you can debate someone with civility if they’re prepared to say things that are factually false.”

    Newt Gingrich on Mitt Romney

  16. valthemus

    Trying… trying… tryyyyyiiiiiiiiing… Acchh! It's no good. I just can't muster any interest in what John Kerry's up to today.

  17. ttommyunger

    I like Kerry, I voted for him, I'd do it again but I have to say this role won't be much of a stretch for him.

        1. starfanglednut

          tt, you in MA? I'd love to have a wonkette meetup here. I couldn't make it to Providence that day. And yes, he has quietly sponsored some good legislation. He actually cares about climate change, education etc.

          1. James Michael Curley

            Oh man, Georgia. I only passed through Georgia a few times, but few things raise my blood pressure faster than the hack job Saxby Chambliss did on Max Cleland. Due to veterans work I was doing in the late 70's I, and a bunch of Viet Vets from NYC, got a hour face time with him. He assured us that when (and if) the full documentation of Operation Ranch Hand showed grunt exposure to dioxin he would do everything he could to get help for guys dying (at that time mostly) from liver cancer with autopsies which showed dioxin in the cancerous tissue. Took a while but he was a significant part of coming through with exposure guidelines first adopted by the VA while he was Georgia S'cty of State.

  18. Gopherit

    Kerry isn't nearly practiced enough in the fine art of saying whatever it takes to get elected.

  19. randcoolcatdaddy

    I don't envy Kerry on this one. They'll be changing the cards on Romney's positions every few hours.

  20. arihaya

    Obama's campaign could save money on Kerry's mani-pedi by simply using that Romney doodlehead used by the Huntsman girls

  21. arihaya

    so in return, Romney's campaign will use who as Obama's stand-in?

    Michael Steele ? Herman Cain ? Trayvon Martin poster?

  22. Opportunisticly_Joe

    He’s an expert debater who has a fundamental mastery of a wide range of issues, including Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts. He’s the obvious choice.”

    You might even say he's a debating master. Or perhaps…

  23. barto

    He should get the Donald to do it, after all he has many blah friends and he'll do anything for attention. Hell, he's delusional enough that he might even think it's all about him.

  24. owhatever

    Big O: I am privileged to have this opportunity to debate my opponent, Scrooge McDuck, concerning the issues that face our great nation.

    Kerry: I will repeal Obamacare on my first day in office.

    Big O: You mean Romneycare, don't you, Daddy Warbucks.

    Kerry: Honk. Honk. Honk.

  25. Come here a minute

    If the Republican candidate had only been Rick Perry, President Barry could be all, "N***erhead, N***erhead, N***erhead!"

  26. seppdecker

    Given how badly Chokely and the Mass. Dems fucked up the last Senatorial special election, let's leave Kerry where he is. We don't want anymore Brown on our hands.

  27. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm confused. How is an "expert debater" a good stand-in for (R)Money?

    This is gonna leave Obama totally unprepared for the random idiocies he's going to have to deal with in the actual debates.

    1. Come here a minute

      It might be easier to debate someone who can string more than two words together, instead of trying to argue about spending priorities with someone who, when you say that two plus two is four, screams, "FUZZY MATH!!1!1!!!"

  28. DahBoner

    Should be a no-brainer for Obama.

    Kerry folds faster than a $3 lawn chair from K-Mart…

  29. crybabyboehner

    Half of Kerry's campaign "brain trust" is now on the Obama campaign. So, No Worries!

  30. vinny9698

    I do not know why you are being critical of John Kerry to be the debate stand in. Who else would do a better job? He knows the MA politics, has being in presidential debates, knows and has inter acted with Romney and is an expert debater. Who else can fill those requirements.

Comments are closed.