John Kerry’s back on the presidential debate stage! He told you bums that he’d get back there, one of these days. Unfortunately, he’ll only be playing his 2012 lamer equivalent, Mitt Romney, in practice debates against President Obama. How debasing. But since John Kerry’s career at this point is “kiss as much Obama ass as possible until John Kerry is named Secretary of State,” he’ll proudly accept this call to make the very, very modest tweaks to his personality necessary to portray a perfect Mitt Romney.
Kerry, for all of his general mediocrity in most political things, was an excellent debater — or at least good enough to beat George W. Bush and his earpiece. Will he be just as good as fake Mittens?
“There is no one that has more experience or understanding of the presidential debate process than John Kerry,” said David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist. “He’s an expert debater who has a fundamental mastery of a wide range of issues, including Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts. He’s the obvious choice.”
In his own presidential campaign, Kerry faced similar challenges as Romney does now. He struggled to deal with his aloofness and vast personal wealth as President Bush tried to portray him as out-of-touch with everyday Americans, while the Republicans labeled Kerry a “flip-flopper” for a series of policy shifts.
It will be a challenge for Kerry to get through the debate without sobbing over memories his terrible, terrible election loss, indeed.
Romney hasn’t chosen anyone to play Obama yet. This Washington Post article says that Rob Portman played Obama in McCain’s ’08 rehearsals; we remember it being Michael Steele, though, because of how comical a choice that was. Which blah should it be this year? Oh, that’s an easy question. Awwwwwwwww shucky ducky!
[WaPo]
{ 101 comments }
Who's Mitt going to get to stand in for him when he practices the debates?
Probably his evil twin Flexo, who of course will turn out not to be the evil one.
Futurama FTW.
Surely the campaign has one or two card-board cutouts?
Wasn't there an Obama impersonator appearing on Fox News for a while?
Herman Cain? Yeah, but his impersonation sucked….
An Etch – a – Sketch.
"Which blah should it be this year?"
What's the difference? They all look alike.
You know, I have an old TRS-80 I can lean the Dems if they want the full Mitt Romney experience.
Ooooh flip flop libel!!!
Kerry is too lifelike and down to earth.
I understand that someone is working on an app that will allow Romney to simulate that.
Maybe hallucinogens will be involved, to nail that patented Rmoney allergy to truth and consistency.
Pizza y Ketchup
Really, how hard is it to be the Romney stand-in, as his entire campaign is "You suck, and everything you do sucks."
Shucky Ducky = "It is I, the Black Republican"
Here's the problem: Kerry is a fine speaker and a good debater, and will make an excellent stand-in for RMONEY.
Who the hell can MittTheShitt possibly get to stand in for Obama? He's an excellent speaker and debater, and he's an excellent strategist, and a lightning-fast thinker. I don't the Republicans, with their deep-seated racism, have ever acknowledged his excellence, and it might bite them in the ass. I certainly hope it does.
They'll use Reggie Brown again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9-Oi2i62Qw
If these dog-and-pony shows were in fact debates, that might be an issue. But really, they're mostly just a series of opportunities to deliver prefabricated little speeches.
If the moderator manages to goad the candidates into making actual spontaneous statements, Mint Mormoney will be toast, and you can be sure his programming will be designed to prevent that.
We need Jon Stewart to moderate.
Given the GOP keeps accusing Pres. Obama of being a communist and socialist, my guess is they will hire Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro or Hu Jintao to practice debate Romney.
IOW, they got nothing. None of those people would do it, not for love or money. Welp, they're screwed. What a pleasant thought. I can't think of more deserving people.
Patrician though he may be, one thing John Kerry lacks that Mitt has is the casual contempt for the working man. Maybe Kerry learned that from going to Vietnam when he didn't have to, unlike some other assholes who put him down for not being patriotic enough.
Those purple band aids at the RNC convention still piss me off, along with the accusations that he shot himself to get one of his Purple Hearts. That's why Democrats rarely win–they just aren't evil enough.
It still pisses me off, too. Those bastards. It's time for their comeuppance. Comeuppance, I say!
Or putdownnance- I'm cool with that…
yeah, but that was 2004–eight whole years ago. they were old white and mean then. now, most of them are probably dead.
But, that's the beauty of life…it keeps repeating itself. There will be new "old white and mean" to replace what was lost. Be sure of it.
The Republican Woman delegate with the Purple Heart Band-Aid and whose picture was smeared, but not her body, all over the place in 2004 is now vice chair of the party in what ever state or county cesspool she climbed out of.
I could not believe the "purple heart band-aids" the Republicans had out that year.
I don't know why, but I laughed at that for a full minute sustained, nearly. Then, I had a sad when I realized that's what the Republicans label a virtue.
Having been awarded a bunch of those metal hunks for which John Kerry was so viciously slandered, I finally got even in the way best understood by Republicans; I became 'entitled' to service connected disabilities I had never bothered to claim before. Of course, the Republican use of the term 'Entitlement' sufficiently pisses me off so that when a Republican uses it I often respond, "Do you remember the movie Rambo?"
That's hilarious. I mean, Kerry and Mittens do kind of have a painfully boring Mario/Wario thing going on.
At the practice, Obama will stand at the podium, while Kerry drives his car around in circles, honking.
nice one – beep beep!
I'd like to think it would be in one of those tiny Shriner cars..
Yeah, thanks for helping me get my mind off of fezzes…
Fezzes Are Cool
The car will have a barking dog tied atop it for good measure.
He'll need Anne's help, to drive the other Cadillac.
My guess is Bobby Jindal.
John Kerry will be arriving at the debate in a custom-built windsurfer elevator.
Wearing the mask of Ronald Reagan.
John Edwards will be playing the part of Seamus the Dog.
Will Kerry have to wear magic underwear for moral authenticity?
John Kerry, he's the feller that lost to that stupid Texan, isn't he?
Nutmeg State libel! Wait, that's "Lone Star State libel!"
I prefer "ˇThe One-Star State".
I sure he is watching old Jon Lovitz tapes on SNL to get ready to portray Mitt accurately. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Isn't Lovitz a wingtard now?
Kerry was selected because he can make all the $10,000 debate bets he wants.
Doppelflopper!
I hope Obama will wait until Romney states an obvious lie and then shout "You lie! You lyin', motherfucker!"
And then stick him.
No, reach into his chest, pull out his beating heart, and hand it to him!
Reach into his chest, and then go "Wait, what the fuck…???"
While Cheney smirks knowingly.
That way laryngitis lies…
There's more debates!?
DNC couldn't afford a robot?
No- send in your contribution now!
I just can't see Kerry trying to tackle Obama and cut his hair.
You're right, but I'd love to see Romney try. I fuckin' dare him.
Running with scissors? That can't end well.
OT
A bus-full of nuns are protesting the Rethug budget.
Nunzilla weeps.
Now I know where to get a yodelin' pickle. Thankya!
I have a Nunzilla — I cannot recommend it highly enough. Recovering Catholics never fail to fall down laughing.
As for the nuns on the bus, more power to 'em. I hope they really press the question, "What would Jesus cut from the budget?"
Didn't the Archie Bunker Republicans learn this lesson back in the '70's? "Nothing beats a station wagon full of nuns."
Jerome Corsi denies that Kerry was ever involved in a debate, presidential or in any other capacity. In fact, they deny that Kerry ever actually ran for public office.
If the Republican Party is true to their image of Obama they can only go with Mumia Abu-Jamal.
I'll tell you who is black, articulate and would be fun to watch Romney debate: Ving Rhames.
From Pulp Fiction
That's just pride fucking with you. I think this statement summarizes my impressions of Romney's leadership.
The only authentic emotion Romney-bot is capable of showing is hate. Eyes bugged out spit flying hate that accompanies his lies. Can Kerry do that?
John Kerry is much too lifelike and too smart to be (r)Money's standin. Besides, who other than Mittens himself can seemlessly shift from one position to the other then back to this orginal then shift to…
“I was amazed. I’m standing next to a guy who has the most blatantly dishonest answers I can remember in any presidential race in my lifetime… I don’t know how you can debate someone with civility if they’re prepared to say things that are factually false.”
Newt Gingrich on Mitt Romney
Trying… trying… tryyyyyiiiiiiiiing… Acchh! It's no good. I just can't muster any interest in what John Kerry's up to today.
Is that the movie with the chicks surfing?
I like Kerry, I voted for him, I'd do it again but I have to say this role won't be much of a stretch for him.
It's too bad he's so personally unappealing. He really has been a good senator for us.
I agree completely.Sent from my iPhone
tt, you in MA? I'd love to have a wonkette meetup here. I couldn't make it to Providence that day. And yes, he has quietly sponsored some good legislation. He actually cares about climate change, education etc.
I am in a bunker in the belly of the beast, Georgia, sadly.Sent from my iPhone
Kerry isn't nearly practiced enough in the fine art of saying whatever it takes to get elected.
I don't envy Kerry on this one. They'll be changing the cards on Romney's positions every few hours.
Obama's campaign could save money on Kerry's mani-pedi by simply using that Romney doodlehead used by the Huntsman girls
so in return, Romney's campaign will use who as Obama's stand-in?
Michael Steele ? Herman Cain ? Trayvon Martin poster?
You might even say he's a debating master. Or perhaps…
All I can say is: this is perfect
He should get the Donald to do it, after all he has many blah friends and he'll do anything for attention. Hell, he's delusional enough that he might even think it's all about him.
Big O: I am privileged to have this opportunity to debate my opponent, Scrooge McDuck, concerning the issues that face our great nation.
Kerry: I will repeal Obamacare on my first day in office.
Big O: You mean Romneycare, don't you, Daddy Warbucks.
Kerry: Honk. Honk. Honk.
Nah, they just need to get the Toy Story Etch-A-Sketch as a rombot stand-in.
If the Republican candidate had only been Rick Perry, President Barry could be all, "N***erhead, N***erhead, N***erhead!"
Given how badly Chokely and the Mass. Dems fucked up the last Senatorial special election, let's leave Kerry where he is. We don't want anymore Brown on our hands.
What, Obama couldn't get a loan from the Hall of Presidents at Disney World?
I'd go with either Houston van Austin or Buddy Knox. Maybe Leo Smoot. http://wonkette.com/438130/something-truly-weird-…
I'm confused. How is an "expert debater" a good stand-in for (R)Money?
This is gonna leave Obama totally unprepared for the random idiocies he's going to have to deal with in the actual debates.
It might be easier to debate someone who can string more than two words together, instead of trying to argue about spending priorities with someone who, when you say that two plus two is four, screams, "FUZZY MATH!!1!1!!!"
Should be a no-brainer for Obama.
Kerry folds faster than a $3 lawn chair from K-Mart…
Half of Kerry's campaign "brain trust" is now on the Obama campaign. So, No Worries!
I do not know why you are being critical of John Kerry to be the debate stand in. Who else would do a better job? He knows the MA politics, has being in presidential debates, knows and has inter acted with Romney and is an expert debater. Who else can fill those requirements.
I'm so sorry, dude.
Oh man, Georgia. I only passed through Georgia a few times, but few things raise my blood pressure faster than the hack job Saxby Chambliss did on Max Cleland. Due to veterans work I was doing in the late 70's I, and a bunch of Viet Vets from NYC, got a hour face time with him. He assured us that when (and if) the full documentation of Operation Ranch Hand showed grunt exposure to dioxin he would do everything he could to get help for guys dying (at that time mostly) from liver cancer with autopsies which showed dioxin in the cancerous tissue. Took a while but he was a significant part of coming through with exposure guidelines first adopted by the VA while he was Georgia S'cty of State.
YOU'RE sorry?Sent from my iPhone
Saxby is a bag man. Period.Sent from my iPhone
Comments on this entry are closed.