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Moonie Times: Obama Plays Golf One Billion Hours Per Day

Look kids, it's professional sexer Tiger WoodsDC’s favorite Korean cult newspaper The Washington Times is celebrating President Obama’s 100th round of golf as president by putting this in fascinating mathematical context: “The next time President Obama hits the links, it will be his 100th round of golf since coming to the White House. That’s quite a milestone in just 3 1/2 years. As it takes him about six hours to drive to the greens and complete 18 holes, Mr. Obama has spent the equivalent of four months’ worth of work time golfing. Meanwhile, the U.S. economy has been stuck in a sand trap.” Care to show your work there, Moonies? We’ll show ours.

If Obama has played 100 rounds of golf, and it takes him six hours each time, that is 600 hours of golf. How many hours does the Times include in a “work week”?

(1 month/x work hours) x (600 work hours) = 4 months

(600 months/x) = 4 months

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x = 150

So the Times, if our math is correct after not doing anything math-related for 10 years, finds 150 work hours per month. If you’re going by 22 work days per month, that is 6.8 hours of work per day, during the M-F work week. So if you think the President of the United States works 6.8 hours per day, five days a week — let’s say the Times was going with the 40 hour workweek and taking some holidays and other random stuff off — and takes his golf time out of those work hours, then yes, the president has spent four months’ worth of work time on the course.

Another way of looking at it is that Obama plays golf once every 12.7 days. Which sounds about right — he plays every other Sunday, sometimes less, sometimes more on vacation. It is what he does during his leisure time. Some might watch teevee, some might clear brush at a Texas ranch, some/most might simply masturbate. Obama plays golf. INFINITY TRILLION TIMES.

Now it’s time for you all to fix my math!

[Washington Times]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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149 comments

    1. MittBorg

      Nobody would say that (except the abysmally ignorant). It's well known that he starts his day around 7 am and there are numerous photographs and stories about him going back to work after official functions. I'd guess he works 10-12hr days, like most Americans.

  1. StarsUponThars

    "I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive." — President Obama

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Who said "Watch this drive?"

      (a.) Wilbur Mills
      (b.) Lindsay Lohan
      (c.) Shecky Green
      (d.) President George Bush
      (e.) All of them, Katie.

  2. edgydrifter

    Would they feel better if he spent every other Sunday plotting to destroy Capitalism and Christianity? A man needs a hobby, after all.

    1. glasspusher

      Numbers are our friends! If you've got the same condition I do, you associate them with colors (most common form of synesthesia). Show of hands?

      …goes back to rocking back and forth in the corner…

        1. glasspusher

          This is getting creepy. Five is always the first number I ask someone the color of- it weeds out the posers. My five is red, vermillion red.

          1. TootsStansbury

            I think there might be a book by that name, also the painting I Saw the Number Five in Red. Do your teeth itch when the colors don't match yours? If so, get ready, my five is a mellow sort of ochery yellow. I almost pooped myself years ago when NPR did a story about synesthesia; I thought it was just me!

          2. glasspusher

            I have a good friend who's numbers match my colors almost exactly. I have a co-worker who's numbers match about half of mine. My teeth don't itch, ever- wow, that's a good one! I sometimes associate shapes and smells, but it's not as pronounced.One of the funniest anecdotes I had with my synesthesia friend was when her and her hubby bought a house and got a new phone number with it, and called me up to give it to me- 940-0805. I said wow, it's so blue, and she replied “I know, and we're not happy about it”.We're out there! We are your friends and neighbors!

          3. TootsStansbury

            Read 'Born on a Blue Day' by Daniel Tammet, he memorized pi to way out there; his condition is quite amazing. I always thought I did the colors thing with numbers (and characteristics too) because I sucked at the math thing but I also do words letters and musical notes so no. Lucky for me I was allowed to suck at math because I could draw! LOL I use math in my job more than the drawing now; except for amusing co-workers in meetings who like to look at my doodles. I'll quit this now I think it's making my meager p-ness shrink.

          4. Boojum

            Of course fives are red, threes are green, twos are blue, and fours are kind of a murky off brown. Sevens, now sevens are yellow.

          5. TootsStansbury

            Aaarg! Three is apple green, two is blue (a nice true blue), fours are RED, five is mellow-yellow and seven is a sort of pea green!!!

      1. viennawoods13

        I don't see colours, I see a line. Same for months of the year and years through history.

        1. glasspusher

          Well, hey, visualizing time is a whole different discussion- I've got several different mental constructs for different time scales.So, when you see a line, is it a number line or just a line?

          1. viennawoods13

            Apparently they're connected to the colour thing, according to the sources I read. I see various types of lines- my time line is a straight line, from the beginning of time to infinity and beyond, left to right. I hear a date and my mind sees it on the line. Not sure if this helps me in professional career as a history teacher or not, but I don't remember ever not seeing time like that. My yearly calender starts at the top with January, then sort of loops up again so that December meets up with January.
            Actual numerals are again on a straight line, left to right. As soon as someone says a number, I see it. This doesn't help me with math one whit- I SUCK at it.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      I was an Art major. I agree, numbers are evil. Though I partly blame my lack of math ability on my 4th grade teacher who let us color during that hour.

      Hey, she probably helped me be the artist (sofware games) guy I am. Thanks Ms. Johnson.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Going by a 2080 hour work year, 600 hours would represent 3.466 months — of course, if he plays golf on Sunday then that wouldn't matter, since it's not a workday, right? Then again, Dubya's 2.5 years of cutting brush and other vacations doesn't count against him at all since everyone knows Dubya was doing presidenty stuff 24 hours a day.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        A bit of foil and magic transparent tape OR a ring of carkeys. Each calmed our kiddoe on long drives.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      I would love it if, just as a joke, Obama went to Hawaii and, wearing a cowboy hat, cleared brush away from some shit for a weekend with camera rolling of course, in the tradition.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If Dumbya had spent ten times as much time clearing brush, the world would be a noticeably better place. (If nothing else, with enough attention to the task, he might have at least left Texas less flammable.)

  4. Antispandex

    Washinton Times readership < hours Obama has spent playing golf. And I think that is what their real problem is.

  5. bumfug

    What else is he gonna do? Wingnuts know better than anyone that he's gotta hate to swim.

  6. nounverb911

    "WONKETTE ALGEBRA HOUR"
    Wasn't Algebra the name of Stymie's horse on the "Little Rascals"?

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I remember when my wife (now ex) got here first Algae Bra. Sure, it is ecofriendly but not sustainable…when confronted with rough tweekage.

  7. Estproph

    Loony Times doesn't have the best grip on reality anyway. I expect that by "100th round of golf" they mean 5th.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is nothing. I'm waiting for the Washington Time's ground breaking reporting on how many hours of sleep Obama has had on the government payroll. Not only that, but rumor has it he has engaged in sexy time with Michelle Obama. Since they are both wards of the state, does't this just make it government supported prostitution?

    1. HarryButtle

      But sexytime = babbies, no?

      Or do you suppose they're using…dare I say it…CONTRACEPTION in the WHITE HOUSE? It's an insult to everything our founding fathers stood for!

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Hey, at least he's having sex with a black woman — something the founding fathers would definitely approve of.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    This is shocking stuff. You'd think that between the whole Socialist-Communist world takeover thing, single-handedly destroying the US economy and putting millions of Americans out of work and making them food stamp-dependent, creating massive copies of his birth certificates, taking exorbitant taxpayer-funded junkets to India and Hawaii, and creating a governmental nanny state, he would hardly have time for golf at all.

    1. valthemus

      You forget… Obama is a socialist dictator. Much of his Abortionplex building and America hating is delegated to underlings. It leaves him plenty of time for golf and praying for Allah to destroy the white infidels. Time management skills are crucial.

      1. Veritas78

        Exactly the skills learned in B-School. To which the lazy octoroon never went, preferring to sleep through Harvard Law instead. It just proves my point!

  10. Canmon

    You would think Tiger Woods could afford a suit that fits. I guess Nike doesn't make suits.

  11. nicnack74

    Problem with POTUS is that he doesn't know his place. He's acting all uppity, thinkin he do the golf thing like everyone else. The nerve of some people.

  12. Arken

    It's the Moonie Times. They probably saw Tiger Woods and assumed he was Obama because all them coloreds look alike to them.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      That would explain the funny looks they got when they yelled at him, "Hey, shouldn't you be at work?"

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "Liberals see a President playing golf and say, 'Nobody should live like this.' Conservatives see a President playing golf and think, 'Everybody should live like this.'"

      1. glasspusher

        Now, Tiger, I could see. They pay him to play golf. Nobody has ever offered me enough money to play golf. Stupid game. I'm with Sam Clemens on this one.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          Really, I'm more offended that Obama plays golf.
          Boring ass "sport" that takes up way too much acreage.

  13. imissopus

    And how many hours a week does Michelle Obama put in tending to her arugula patch? Damned elitists, with their golf and gardening hobbies. Real 'Murcans watch NASCAR while drinking Bud and farting into the Lay-Z-Boy.

  14. SorosBot

    How the fuck does a paper that supported George Motherfucking Bush get off on criticizing how often any other President plays golf?

  15. Dashboard Buddha

    What I don't understand about the WaTimes is how does it get people to read it. It's supported by crazy ass moonies, no? It's like I'll read anything from a batshit publisher as long as it supports my own bigotry.

  16. Opportunisticly_Joe

    Oh, and at the same time, Obama's also a terrible president for not reaching around the aisle and having super-special friendships with Congressional Republicans, a class whose favorite social bonding and/or networking pastime is…

  17. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Is it racist to photograph two blah people and bring up golf? If not, it should be.

  18. Joshua Norton

    From Don Van Natta Jr., author of the book, First Off the Tee: Presidential Hackers, Duffers, and Cheaters from Taft to Bush.

    1 John F. Kennedy Despite chronic back pain, averaged 80.
    2 Dwight D. Eisenhower Had a green outside the Oval Office (800 rounds during 2 terms).
    3 Gerald R. Ford Clumsy, but was a legitimate 80s-shooter.
    4 Franklin D. Roosevelt At 39, polio robbed him of a powerful golf swing.
    5 George H.W. Bush Once got his handicap down to 11.
    6 George W. Bush Outgoing prez is a capable 15-handicapper.
    7 Bill Clinton Can break 90, especially using his "Billigans."
    8 Barack Obama The lefty plays more hoops than golf.
    9 Ronald Reagan Didn't play often or well (best was low 90s).
    10 Warren G. Harding Struggled to break 95.
    11 William Howard Taft As hapless a golfer as he was a chief executive.
    12 Woodrow Wilson Played more than Ike but almost never broke 100.
    13 Richard M. Nixon He shot 79 once and quit the game.
    14 Lyndon B. Johnson Played with senators to secure votes for the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
    15 Calvin Coolidge When he vacated the White House, he left his clubs behind.

  19. Doktor Zoom

    OT, but tangentially related in that it is about "knowing one's place": Kid Zoom and I have embarked upon a viewing of all 5 seasons of the single best television series in the history of ever, The Wire. After watching the first 4 episodes Saturday night, I said to him, "You realize, of course, that it would be really tacky if we ever start talking like the characters in this show. Let's not do that, OK?"

    To which he just said, "A'ight."

      1. Doktor Zoom

        OH. MY. GOD.

        That is brilliant. The Victorian re-creation of the "Aw, fuck" crime-scene reconstruction is…oh, my. Words cannot do it justice.

        Internet, I love you!!!!

        ALSO! There's a full book on the way. Love the cover!

    1. Negropolis

      So long as you realize the irony in, it's okay. Now, you pull a Justin Bieber and starting seriously effecting an accent, and we're going to have a problem. lol

  20. MinAgain

    I'd rather he be playing golf than engaging in that other presidential pasttime, starting wars in other countries.

  21. owhatever

    The Moonies held this story for a few days because they all had to be married again in Yankee Stadium. I hope the Scientologists buy them out.

  22. Jus_Wonderin

    Fuck it. I brought 3 sharpened No 2 pencils and now…I have them all jabbed in my head.

    Can I borrow a pencil???

  23. barto

    Yes, Washtimes, but your story is the equivalent of 600 light years from being relevant.

  24. jjdaddyo

    Presidential rounds of golf are famous for only taking 2-3 hours. Because nothing gets those slow-poke duffers in plaid out of The Prez' way like a phalanx of SUVs with machine gun toting jackbooted thugs.

  25. Yabutt

    The White House has been leaking all those national security stories to prove that Obama has wasted no time looking for his balls.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      John Boehner, Mitt Romney and Eric Cantor spend even less time searching for their balls — Grover Cleveland Norquist has 'em in a safe in his office.

  26. sezme

    Shorter Moonie Times:
    "If he spent more time on blow jobs rather than golf, like that other blaxican Tiger guy or that 'first black president' guy, we could at least impeach him."

  27. cheetojeebus

    Using dried beans and uncooked macaroni, i was able to recreate your calculations on the dining room table. You will be happy to know I was able to find the same results.

    1. chascates

      And after you've decorating a coffee can with them you can fix dinner with what's left!

      1. chascates

        I love that so many sites compare bare-chested Putin in some manly pursuit next to a photo of Obama on a bicycle. Bush never got that.

    1. Rotundo_

      I believe the piety died out about the same time as the election results in 2004 were finalized. For the preceding two years, he probably make one hell of a show of praying and singing hymns and all that good stuff, but when he didn't need the faithful he went back to cutting brush and riding bikes on Sunday mornings. Dubya never was an authentic anything except a dry drunk idiot.

  28. Rotundo_

    Comparing Barry to either Reagan or Dubya in terms of recreational time should shut the halfwits up. Reagan slept through most of his second term, Dubya just sat there deciderating what Cheney told him to deciderate.

  29. ttommyunger

    Rightards Nationwide are reading this in horror, screaming: "Gahhhhh! How many blahs are traipsing through the Oval Office these days? Is there no limit to their uppityness?"

  30. valthemus

    If The Washington Times ever stops squawking about Fast and Furious half of their pages will be blank. But at least you'll be able to put the paper to it's proper use without getting ink on your butt.

  31. Warpde

    "Now it’s time for you all to fix my math!"
    First I have to understand what the fuck "x" stands for.

    Malcolm maybe?

  32. Negropolis

    How many fucking years was Bush "clearing brush" (read: getting shit-faced drunk) down in Crawford?

    Blahs playing golf is "uppity" BTW, and when he plays basketball he is "ghetto", and when he's doing nothing he's "shiftless."

    Can't a brotha get a break?

  33. thefrontpage

    In other, clearer words: There is no story, there is no news, and there is literally, factually, objectively and sanely absolutely nothing wrong with Barack Obama playing golf regularly while he is president of the United States. Absolutely nothing wrong with it, on any level. Even a president is entitled to a little sports relaxation time. By the way, in reality, the president is really on the job seven days a week, even when he's at Camp David, "on vacation," or anywhere. It's really a seven-days-a-week job when you are trailed by Secret Service, nuclear codes, someone carrying nuclear codes, and communications devices to put you in contact with military and government leaders within seconds. That's a little more than Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. The Times needs to be focusing on real news, not stupid, asinine, biased propaganda.

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